I can’t help it – every time I think of obsessive navel gazing, I look to the master. Of course Inigo Montoya was completely awesome.
Having a year-plus of Intuitive Eating* under my belt and counting nary a single calorie, fat gram or carb in that time has made me a bit cocky, I’ll admit it. I’ve even referred to myself as “recovered” a few times. I like absolutes. I’m a black and white thinker! I swing wildly back and forth between I’m cured! and I’m sick!. But as anyone who has ever had an eating disorder take up residence in their gray matter knows, it’s really not that binary. Which is how I have found myself in a deep funk for the past month or so, thinking that because I’ve made some mistakes that means I’ve failed at Intuitive Eating.
By “mistakes” I mean this: While I haven’t done anything major, I have ended up crying in my closet again. Over some rather silly things. One thing, actually. And this one this is so pernicious that despite all my IE progress, I’m baffled as to how to let it go. This thing is a thought that possess me, obsesses me, far more than I like to admit. But I’m not as subtle as I like to think I am. I was looking back over old posts tonight trying to decide what I hadn’t blogged recently. I’m weird that way; I’m never at a loss for topics to blog about – my brain is so frenetic I’ll wake myself up with ideas and scribble them in the margins of a crossword puzzle book I keep next to my bed – but I tend to get stuck in ruts. And tonight I noticed that I’ve been blogging a lot about diets, dieting, food and even weight loss over the past month or so. There was a period of time where I didn’t blog about these things (truly!) and now they’re back. Why? It’s the thing come back to haunt me. It’s the one piece of Intuitive Eating I simply can’t figure out.
It’s the thought that I’m never thin enough. I tell myself that 5 pounds, that’s all I need to lose and then I’ll be happy. Lie.
Even though I don’t restrict food anymore, I’ve let some old food neuroses creep back in. My anxiety over eating is back. Hunger is starting to feel more like failure and less like the natural, healthy, body cue that I know it to be. And all of it always comes back to the thought that I’m nothing if I’m not thin. I’m slipping, you guys. I’d be embarrassed to admit this to you all except that I’m guessing you already noticed.
But my brain is wrong and this time I’m fighting back, before it goes any further than just thoughts. I am more than the circumference of my thighs or the width of my waist. I am more than any stick-figure ideal touted by a few sick people in prominent places. I am more, even, than this body as flawed and beautiful as it is. I am worth so much more than this.
The hard part for me is really believing it. I know it on a cerebral level but through all my recovery I have never been able to fully exorcise that dream of perfect thinness. Just typing that is laughable – what is thin, after all? It isn’t happiness, nor health, nor longevity. And the “dream of” it turns into a shallow, self-serving obsession. Madness lies in a perfectly unattainable goal, always one step (or one pound) out of reach.
The thing that I hate the most about this Thought is that I can only really think about one thing at a time so if my brain is obsessing over holding my stomach in just so then I am not listening when my son tries to show me the apple he drew or my friend tries to tell me about her doctor’s appointment or my mom calls to ask about birthday party plans. When I’m consumed with not consuming, I can’t hear the little voice that tells me to write a note of encouragement to a neighbor or notice when a Gym Buddy looks sad or take cookies to the beloved teacher who just lost her job. I don’t hear the deep belly laugh of my toddler as she figures out how to throw every possession she owns over the side of the back deck. (The mystery of the missing shoes, solved!) All these blessed opportunities: missed.
But it isn’t enough to just write these words here. So, I’ve taken the real-world step of hiring a nutritionist and going back to therapy. Yay! The nutritionist (thank you to Quix for the inspiration!) is because I need to not think about food right now. I need to stop trying to figure out the exact best healthiest way to eat. I realize that at first glance it may seem counterintuitive to hire a nutritionist to help with Intuitive Eating (shouldn’t my body be telling me what to eat, not someone else?) but right now I need someone to just tell me what to eat so I can focus on rewiring my brain to think about other things again. And to give me a reality check about my food rules etc. I’ve tried seeing a nutritionist once in the past and it ended rather badly. I didn’t return. I have higher hopes for this one and we have our first official meeting tomorrow! The trick, of course, will be to trust her judgement. I think I can do that.
This isn’t a black-or-white test that I pass or fail. Eating disorder recovery and Intuitive Eating are going to be a lifelong process for me but it doesn’t have to be a lifelong struggle. My dear grandmother was bulimic to the day she died and, forgive me if this sounds weird, but I’ve felt her presence a lot this week. When I was younger I used to think this disorder was the tie that bound us even across death but now I think that she does not want me to suffer like she did. She wants me to learn faster than she did that being more does not make us less. I will not miss this opportunity to listen. I am a fast learner.
What do you do when your thoughts don’t match your actions? Have you ever used a nutritionist? Any other advice about how you conquered the “thin at all costs” mental demons? I’ve returned to writing in my gratitude journal daily and pulled out the old CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) workbook!
*Every time I post about IE, people ask me which program I follow and which books I recommend so I’ll just get a jump on it here and tell you that I LOVE Geneen Roth’s version of IE. It’s been absolutely life changing for me. The first book I usually recommend to people is WHEN YOU EAT AT THE REFRIGERATOR, PULL UP A CHAIR: 50 WAYS TO FEEL THIN, GORGEOUS, AND HAPPY (WHEN YOU FEEL ANYTHING BUT)
Thanks for your honesty! I know that probably wasn’t the easiest post to write, but it definitely helped me as I know it’ll help others, too. Shoot, it probably helped you just putting it out there. I have nothing to add to the topic, just wanted to say thank you.
Thanks Janetha! You’re such a sweetheart!
Even though I don’t really know you, I wanted to say I’m proud of you for getting help when you need it. I want to go see someone to deal with my anxiety, but I haven’t been able to make that call yet. Not sure why I’m stuck. But I am really proud of you and you inspire me. Thank you 🙂
Do it:) Seriously – take this as the sign you need. I have an anxiety disorder and I know how crushing it can feel. But I also know how much better it can get with help! Put a post-it note on your computer to call first thing in the am!
Wow – your timing!! There’s nothing more to say but Thank You. (BTW, my 11 year old son LOVES to quote Inigo. Thankfully, we love it.)
I love Princess Bride. You kill my father, prepare to die.
In all seriousness though, I know my words won’t mean or help much, but I think you’re doing the right thing. If you find a good RD and truly allow yourself to trust her (as best you can), I think it very much has the potential to let you focus on other aspects of your life. I’m sure, as with everything, it will be a tough path but you’re strong! Recognizing you’re having a problem is 80% of the battle.
Good luck, beautiful. 🙂
Aw thanks, girl:) I think this will be helpful.
I wish we could have coffee and chat some times…You will give your nutritionist a run for her money no doubt. You could teach Geneen’s retreats, so my advice is to really listen to your nutritionist and take nuggets of what she is saying and apply them to you. I wish you piece with your skinny waist demons…
sending good vibes your way.
LG
Hahah – I bet I will! Poor woman. I warned her! Thanks for the vibes!
I just hope you didn’t hire a “conventional wisdom” nutritionist who follows the government pyramid schpiel of eating half of your calories in bread and pasta.
Have you ever tried hypnotherapy?
No, I was very careful to find an RD who is NOT tied to CW (that’s the main reason I never went back to the first lady I saw). I’ve chatted with her a bit and she seems to be on my same page. Also it helps that she’s an athlete and a personal trainer herself so she’s not going to tell me to eat 1200 calories of celery sticks or whatever. I’ll post more about it after my first (and hopefully not last) session.
Good luck meeting with your nutritionist Charlotte. Setbacks happen but you’ve made a lot of progress and I’m sure that you will be able to turn things around again. You’re amazing and don’t you forget it! 🙂
Good post, Charlotte. It never is easy, but one thing is for sure – You’ve come a long way, and that’s great! You are aware of the discrepency between thoughts and actions. You are aware that some of your thoughts are not right. You should be proud of that. 🙂
When my thoughts and actions are not matching I just try to press on with what I know is the right path to take, even if other parts of me are protesting. I think that’s what you are doing as well. Good luck!
“You are aware that some of your thoughts are not right. ” Good point! Sometimes I forget how big of a step just being able to do that is! Thanks for the reminder:)
I absolutely love “The Princess Bride!”
Guess what, our brains can give us false information! Just like our bodies do at times. Now that you know that don’t punish yourself, just be aware and be a little more forgiving, OK?
Thank you – great advice:)
I’m happy to hear you’ve taken steps to get help! I hope that you can look back on this post as you work with the nutritionist, and remember that you need to trust her/him. I’ve worked with a few nutritionists in the past that all ended disastrously because for some reason I ended up “rebelling” and thinking that they were trying to sabotage me…I found it easy to blame them for my problems: my “fatness”/depression/anxiety/etc. Which only got worse as I gave up control to them.
I think you’re in a much better place than I was at the time, so I’m sure you’ll be fine! I just hope this helps as a reminder as to how strong you need to be to allow yourself to give up that control (sounds counterintuitive), and I know that you are strong enough for it.
I hope so. I’m a pretty trusting person actually – which can be both a curse and a blessing. I’ll post more about it after my first session but I’m hopeful.
I am sitting here trying to figure out what to say, knowing that my words mean little by way of help. I can and do offer my (internet) support to you, and am thinking of you! Oh, and I hadn’t noticed the diet thing either. You posted about that cute skirt! 😉
Haha thanks! Yes, the obsessive thoughts can’t get in the way of FASHION. Hello!! Have you got your skirt yet??
I find this very good timing to read, since just two days ago I started counting calories again after a year of “listening to my body” tell me to drink wine, eat cheese, etc. In the end I wasn’t intuitive eating at all, more like just having a free-for-all and the weight gain and other problems that come from it weren’t any healthier than restricting myself. Intuitive eating is HARD for so many of us. I know it’s especially hard for me to find that perfect balance between satisfying my gourmand tastes and not eating when it’s not in my body’s interests. Good luck with your nutritionist! The only one I ever saw was part of an eating disorder outpatient clinic when I was in high school, and she was very much by the book with weigh-ins and following the food pyramid. I never did like her or trust her approach to things. Someday I might look into whether or not my current insurance would cover a new attempt with nutritional counseling, but I know that I’m not at that point just yet.
Yes, IE is not the same as “eat whatever you want” – it’s a tough distinction to make and you’re absolutely right: it’s hard! I hated the nutritionist I saw as part of my ED treatment too. Terribly uniformed. Good luck to you with your struggles – you’re def. not alone in this!
I had bigtime eating disorder issues in college and while I went through therapy and recovered, I am convinced it is somewhat akin to being an alcoholic. By that I mean that, for me, the underlying part of me that can get caught in that trap is always there and during periods of stress or change or whatever the tendency to want to micromanage the crap out of my weight and eating returns. I think the difference is that now I can see those thoughts and feelings for what they are and I know full well the misery they lead to and that helps me do what i need to to get back on track. Good for you for recognizing that your focus has gotten off a bit and for doing something about it. You are managing the disorder this time instead of the other way around.
“You are managing the disorder this time instead of the other way around.”Thank you:) That’s what I’m going for!
One other thing, sorry to be so verbose, I read somewhere once that perfection, perfect body, perfect weight, perfect whatever is like the horizon, an imaginary line that recedes the closer you get to it. This helped me a lot to remember that this perfection I am after doesn’t really exist and instead I am making myself unhappy and stressed trying to chase something I can never catch.
Any post that starts with Inigo Montoya is a great one!
I can so relate to this as I just got back from a wonderful vacation, where I didn’t think or stress about food, exercise or any of my other issues. Then I get home, step on the scale, realize I gained 4 pounds and all those vacation good feelings are zapped away and the crazy in my head is back.
I keep trying to remember that there is never a “destination” or “end” with my issues. Even when I’m in recovery I have to take steps every day to keep myself healthy. The hardest part seems to be doing those daily things I need consistently (ie: meditating, planning, and doing my DBT exercises), when you’ve got the kids, hubby, house and work to do.
” The hardest part seems to be doing those daily things I need consistently” So true! It seems like those are the first things I let slip…
Charlotte-
I think you are right. Your Grandmother would want you to know that you are loved no matter what size, what emotion or what ever. She would not want to see you suffer like she did. You are Just Plain Good Enough! Actually , you are so very beautiful inside and out! Don’t beat yourself up. We all go through seasons of different feelings. Take what help you need and most of all remember how much everyone around you loves ya! They don’t care if you are purple with pink polka dots! They (and us readers ) love ya!
I love polka dots;) Thank you for the support!
Oh, wow, I never knew that your grandmother suffered from an eating disorder, too. I hate that she struggled even in her older years, when many women finally feel respite from the pressure to look a certain way. Even though I never met her, I agree with you 100% – she would never, ever had wanted you to suffer like this. Glad you’re getting some help 🙂
Yes, eating disorders run in my family – on my dad’s side. Me, my sister, at least two cousins and my sweet grammy:) It’s true, she never felt any respite from the pressure to be thin. In her journal before she died, she wrote that the best thing about being sick was that for the first time in her life she lost weight effortlessly. Broke my heart.
Thank you so much for this post. It’s refreshing to see that not all “Intuitive Eaters” have things 100% figured out. I’m so happy you are reaching out for help, and sharing your story along the way. This takes real strength!
Yeah, def. not all shiny happy people up in here all the time but my life is infinitely better than it was before IE so it’s a fight I’m going to keep fighting!
I’m just in the beginning stages of IE. In fact, on one of your previous posts I commented that I wanted to try it but couldn’t bear to stop logging my food and calorie intake. Well, I haven’t logged food/calories in 4 months!! I have to keep telling myself that if I decide I don’t like this, I can stop at anytime and go back to counting calories. That being said, I read your blog sometimes and wonder how it’s so easy for you. It’s so refreshing to hear you say that sometimes it’s not. It feels like this SHOULD BE easy, doesn’t it?
I was on vacation a few weeks ago and ALL of the other women that were there were constantly apologizing for what they were eating, talking about how they need to lose weight, hoping that lunch would suck so that they wouldn’t want to eat so much, etc. I was totally like “HUH? You guys are on VACATION! Enjoy yourselves!!” Then, I couldn’t decide if I wanted cheesecake or pecan pie for dessert one night, so I got both. It was like I committed a huge sin!!! There was this feeling of both envy and shock! Guess what? Both the cheesecake and the pecan pie were wonderful and I ate enough to make me feel good. I’m loving the IE thing, it’s just sometimes hard to get my brain there with me…
No, it’s def. not easy but it is SO worth it. And I’m so proud of you for giving up the counting!!! I know what a huge and scary step that is! Yayayayay!! And it’s so true how other people can mess up a perfectly good IE moment. So glad you took both the desserts and enjoyed them!
Well, you’ve finally inspired me to try IE. I bought that first Roth book you mentioned! I have wanted to try it for ages but must admit I’m scared. First of all I’m a really fast eater, and for some reason it is REALLY HARD for me to eat slowly. I know she’ll want me to do that – and it’s the hardest thing ever for me. Actually just writing this sounds stupid, but there you go. I’m gonna read the book, okay?? I think I’m ready to hear her advice. 🙂
But back to you – thank you for this post. Have you tried banning yourself from women’s mags, including fitness mags? Those things really mess with my head, even though I “know” there’s lots of airbrushing etc. I’m somehow so much happier when I don’t read them.
Do it!! Just read it! You won’t be sorry:) And yes, I’ve unsubscribed to all fitness & beauty mags – I did that about a year ago and I don’t miss ’em. (Except for Experience Life – that health mag is awesome and inspiring and I love it!)
Something else –
Have you ever read the Fat Nutritionist blog? http://www.fatnutritionist.com/
She’s got a lot of great concepts that you might think are pretty awesome. I admit, I am afraid of going to a nutritionist because I’m afraid she’ll want me to write stuff down. I don’t want to write things down anymore. FN blog might help you!
I just spent like 30 minutes reading through her archives! Loooovvvve! She is amazing. Thank you!!
Charlotte, I love your honesty and that you share your struggles here. Best of luck with your nutritionist.
I’m currently reading “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. It’s more like a workbook and how-to for IE. It’s been really interesting (I’m half way through the book) and I’ve learned a lot about myself through reading it.
I’ve also read Roth’s Women Food and God, but definitely have When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull up a Chair on my list of must reads.
Thanks again for being the one to introduce me to Intuitive Eating!
Yay so glad it’s going so well for you!!! I’ve read Evelyn & Elyse’s book as well. It is def. a good instructional book!
This occurred to me when you mentioned skinny jeans a couple weeks ago. There are no skinny jeans! Just jeans that fit, and jeans that don’t. Hugs, and have fun blogging about other things. 🙂
PS, Never have a battle of wits with a Sicilian when death is on the line. AS YOU WISH! Stop rhyming, Fezzik I mean it. Does anybody want a peanut? To the pain!
Hi Charlotte!
I think intuitive eating is difficult because there are no hard and fast rules, in other words it’s too much like life in general. Too gray instead of black and white, etc. 🙂
I like Trioble & Resch’s Intuitive Eating because it explains the process of learning IE. And it’s the first book that explained some things about my eating I’ve wondered for a long time. I’m reading Geneen Roth too.
I hope you found a good nutritionist.
Oh lady, I’m once again reminded how blessed I am to have you in my life! Reading this today was like reading a page out of my own diary! It is such a hard thing to admit that you need help again, especially after a long period of time in “recovery”. However, life isn’t an uphill climb…there are those little dips here and there, and you’ve got to ride it all in order to get to the end…I soooo appreciate your honest, because I’ve felt very much like a “failure” (I put that in quotes because it is my OWN definition that is eating at me…no pun intended!) lately, and have been struggling with the same thing” trying to keep my focus from being completely about me and my eating issues…so anyways, i’m glad I read this today!
You are loved, no matter WHAT situations life throws at you!
First of all, I love you! If I were there I’d wrap my arms around you, and you could cry or laugh or talk (or all 3!) as much or as little as you want! Since I’m not there, I’m sending virtual hugs and a reminder that I am only an email away!
Because I have been there. Heck, I paid a mortgage there! And still own a vacation timeshare there that I’ve been trying to unload for a very, very long time.
Recovery is a process, sometimes a life-long one. There is NOTHING for which you need feel ashamed. Just the opposite, in fact. It’s easier to stay in that disordered space that is so rewarded by our culture, the thin-at-all-costs mentality, than it is to get healthy. We are trained to believe there is something intrinsically wrong with us, whether it’s our thighs, our thoughts, our behaviors, what have you. We live in a society that thrives on self-hatred, and it takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to fight that ingrained belief system.
I worked with a nutritionist many years ago, and it was GREAT! She based the program around what I wanted and felt I needed, rather dictating to me. I learned a lot from her. And yay for therapy! I honestly don’t know what I’d do without it.
So pat yourself on the back for recognizing you need a bit of help and for getting it!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I have to admit I had been wondering about the amount you’ve been posting about eating recently.
Good for you for going back to therapy. It’s helped you in the past, if you find another therapist you connect with, it will help you again. My guess is a cognitive therapy approach would really help you, but I think the connection with the therapist can be more important then the treatment style they prefer. Good for you for recognizing that it’s time to get help again. It can be the hardest thing to realize we need, but all of us need a little help sometimes.
I’m so happy for you that you are accepting help where you need it. You’ve done really well- it’s just the fine tuning now.
I totally know what you mean about not hearing what people say b/c you are concentrating on something else (like in your case, holding in your stomach etc)….for me it was counting the calories in my head and it was sooooooo distracting. The last group vacation I went on I felt was better in that regard- not perfect as I’m not counting, but still quite aware of food etc- but at least it wasn’t rainman going on as before.
Good luck and as usual I’ll be watching your progress and cheering you on!
Charlotte, you are my inspiration for getting help. My therapist recommended a great book – I think you would really enjoy it – Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. It is an amazing book – she uses a lot of humor; which I think you would love. It really, really helped me.
You amaze me Charlotte! You lay it out there – tell your inner feelings! I am not quite like that but I so understand how you are feeling. For me, being fit is “me”. People expect it of me…
This week off due to my teeth is driving me crazy with the loss of my workouts & all that goes with that. I can still function & “hear others” while I obsess over this but yes, I understand!
With age & what I see happening to my bod that I can’t control – another thing I go crazy over – ask my hubby! 😉
I love that you are so honest with us – it helps us all!
Every time I try to give up something (usually sugar or grains) I get these thoughts! And amazingly I might feel great physically for a day or two, but then mentally I sort of fall apart! I am working on that balance too. Really, I just want to not think about any of it…but that seems so hard! I hope this works for you! I am excited to hear of your progress 🙂
Great post.
I didn’t know about your grandmother. As a recovering/recovered (?) bulimic I’m grateful for every day without the compulsion/obsession/behavior. I’m only sorry she never got to live a part of her life free of that tyranny.
I also appreciate your recommendation of the Roth books, I use them regularly.
Keep it up, strong lady. You are helping us all.
XO
Meg in NYC
Good luck with the nutritionist. I hope that she does help. I have faith that you will find your way to where you want to be.
I wish I could read what everybody said so I won’t be a repeat, but its too much. So let me say thanks, sister friend who is always on the same page I’m on, no matter what page that is. You are awesome, we are so happy you are on the internet walking with us because we all want to be healed, and maybe it’s possible??? I can’t imagine not having to think about food. If my weight would correspond with reality vs. a cupcake = 3lbs tomorrow, I’d be a better person.
Charlotte, I really feel for you. I have the same problem. I seem normal from the outside but inside I am always so critical of myself. There’s a lot of issues but weight seems to be the one thing I can focus on. Objectively speaking, I know I’m fine (even “skinny” according to those less critical than I am) but that doesn’t stop me from beating myself up internally. And the only people I know who can understand it are also kind of messed up on the topic… I really hope you can find the help you need to make peace with yourself. And then you can blog about it to inspire the rest of us!
I would have to say, your post today really struct a cord with me. I have the same feeling, thought and fear. I think I make my husband crazy with telling him I am fat and have this hug gut all the time. You are not alone in your feeling. I am very happy to hear you are doing something about it. I hope and pray it helps you.
A book my mom really enjoyed and helped her, is called “Made to Crave” by Lisa Terkeurtst. I have not finished reading it, but my mom raves about it.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. I admit I envy the amount of progress you’ve made with IE. I’m currently above my ‘happy’ weight number again, but that doesn’t really mean much. Every time I hit a new low, the previously ‘happy’ number about it is never good enough anymore.
I’m moving to a new city soon, to a situation where it’ll probably be harder for me to accurately count calories and it frightens me. I know it’s probably for the best, and given my extremely disordered thinking I could still probably count fairly well if I got desperate enough, but…I don’t know.
As the clock counts down to this new transition of mine I’m panicking more. I want to embrace my new environment and enjoy myself. I think I need to get back on the IE track if I’m going to retain a shred of sanity in the situation but I’m terrified IE will result in weight gain (which, from a realistic perspective, is nothing bad. The world won’t end if I pack on the pounds). There’s a ton of destinations in the area I want to visit and quite a few of them are food related. I want to enjoy and experience them without looking back later with the regret of not doing so. I tried IE in the past, with very brief ‘success’ (if you can call 1 month without counting a success), but I struggle with hunger signals and finding the difference between ‘intuitive’ and ‘eating to excess.’
I wish you the best. You’re inspiring. (and sorry for the text wall.)
Oh Charlotte… Once again, I feel like I could have written this post. As I’ve mentioned to you before, I’ve been battling my own eating/workout/thin demons for 6 years now (wow, that many already!), and despite being a fitness instructor, mentor and confidante to my friends, and avid HEALTH enthusiast, it’s still hard to break free from the thin demons. They wrap their little chains around me and pull, pull, pull, especially during the summer months (I live by a beach… aka, bathing suits). It’s so hard to get out of that I’m-not-thin-enough funk, but I try telling myself over and over, it’s about strength, health, fun, and happiness. It’s not easy and it doesn’t always work, but some days it does. And those days keep me going.
Thanks for the book recommendations – I’ll be looking into them!
Best of luck w/ everything. I’m anxious to hear how everything goes for you!
Hey, Charlotte – How about this to quantify the logic of the inherent desire to be thin: per societal standards, to be thin is to be beautiful; to be beautiful is to be awarded attention; to be awarded attention is to be noticed, ergo not invisible/worthless/valueless; therefore to be thin is to be considered valuable; to be valuable is to be afforded resources for survival and to be protected and safe from danger. I really think it’s only been since the advent of the pill-form of birth control that women have begun the process of liberation from this logic and since that’s only fifty years ago, in the scheme of human history, it hasn’t been that long and our brains haven’t had the time to rise to that level of understanding and discovering other means to feel safe. Love ~ L
Charlotte, I’m really glad you feel you can write this. I think it is a huge thing that you can start to deal with all this and that you *want* to. That you know you’ll be OK and are taking the steps you need to to get to wehre you want to be.
THAT is amazing 🙂
Thank you. I needed to read that.
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Good luck!
Major, major kudos to you for taking action to stop a slip from becoming a major slide. I feel you on the uncertainness about a nutritionist: a couple I saw had me totally convinced that they were totally useless for ED recovery work. Then I had a good one that actually knew what she was doing, and she actually helped me way more than my therapist, it was amazing. Fingers crossed for you and tons of respect to you for addressing the problem and facing it head on.
I’m always interested to hear your intuitive eating comments having tried and failed with it myself a few times. My problem though is more that my stomach slowly overrules my head after a few weeks and I begin to eat portions that are too large and to eat when I’m a tiny bit hungry instead of waiting.
I also have a slight complex that I’m not quite thin enough – I lost weight a few years ago, and have maintained the loss, but am say a few pounds off the goal I originally had in my head, and in my head I still haven’t completed the weight loss – even though most people would say I look normal/slim now. I guess I just try to think how well I did, and focus on the positives, but it doesn’t always work.
I’m so behind on my blog reading.
I’m so happy to hear you are seeking out the help you need and deserve! You can totally do this. We all have bad days (or weeks or months), just not everyone takes the steps to overcome these rough patches. Best of luck! xo
I have also started to let some irrational thoughts creep in and it all has to do with my desire to become a personal trainer and the doubts that go along with that because i don’t look like Jillian Michaels…and I dont’ want to…but i guess that is an irrational fear i need to address so it stops creeping up in secretive eating and overeating and emotional eating…ugh.
I have also felt like a failure when i have these episodes but if we didn’t have them then we would be dead…because life is a learning process and we will be challenging our beliefs everyday. it is what we do with those challenges that matter most.
I don’t see how a nutritionist will help because it will get too black and white. and what if you dont’ want what she tells you to eat? i guess you will still follow your body signals?. I will be interested in hearing how this goes for you.
I recently had to make peace with food journaling again. My portions were getting too big and i was having food allergies and needed to make note of how I was feeling after eating certain foods. I started journaling and stopped about 3 times before i could actually do it w/o the same negative talk that I had associated with it in the past. during my ED days it was filled with failures and i never felt good about myself. now my food journal is just that. no demons attached!
if i was your therapist i would say take another break and figure out what is causing this distress. it is OK to do that. and don’t ever take a measurement again…any kind. 🙂
i am sorry you are struggling. i get my Roth books out occasionally to get me back on track. she is wonderful. maybe you could attend her seminar as a fitness experiment?
ps. and this book helped so much.
http://www.amazon.com/Three-Minute-Therapy-Change-Thinking/dp/0944435424/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312592897&sr=8-1
Charlotte
Great post – and so honest. I’m trying to embark on the intuitive eating journey, and I’ve read quite a few of Geneen Roth’s books some time ago (because of a myriad of eating issues).
You’re so self-aware that I think you may always question why you do things, and identify the black/white all/nothing thinking.
It will sound selfish, but I must admit it is a bit reassuring to know that – you’re so far down this road – but still suffer the occasional pangs of self-doubt. And I think you’re right. It’s a journey that may never end, but hopefully continue to improve.
Deb
I really needed to read this today. I have always, always struggled with my weight. I’ve never been at what most doctors would consider a healthy BMI. I’ve always been overweight- usually obese, but I struggle down to be just overweight. This post made me realize that no matter what, we probably all face the same demons down every morning when we zip our jeans up in the morning, whether they’re a size two or a twenty-two. Our culture is messed up.
PS – I think it’s wonderful that you’re trying to work through everything, and I think you’ll be an awesome role model to many, especially Jelly Bean. Thank you for your honesty!
Just saw this. Yay! She’s helped me A LOT, and beyond helping me with what I should be eating, exercise fueling (good lord, this was the most instant change – I went from dreading 5 miles to 10 this morning and considering marathon training this fall), she’s set my EXPECTATIONS properly. If I was doing this on my own, I’d be all but giving up by now (4 weeks with almost ZERO weight loss/visuals), but this week things have just started tightening up and looking… different.
I can’t believe I didn’t go this route until now. If you share your progress about this, I can’t wait to see it! 🙂
Oh, my friend.
But look at this!
This is progress!
You’re actually addressing that Eating Disorder right in the face before it gets out of hand.
That is WONDERFUL.
Struggling doesn’t mean failure–
it’s just a part of being human.
A really annoying part,
but normal, all the same.
You keep up that good fight–I believe in you.
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I honestly dont think nutritionists are any help whatsoever unless they DEAL with people who have or have had controlling eating disorders. especially generic hospital type nutritionists under a healthcare [absolutely the worst, one I went to continued to talk about her son and yadda yadda, she seemed to have completely forgot that I was there and needed HER help, not the latest scoop on her family] that’s my 2 cents.