Love hurts. But hate hurts worse. And disinterest may be the most painful of all. The other day I had a conversation that went something like this:
Friend*: Oh hey, I’ll see you tomorrow night at X’s!
Me: For what?
Friend (eyes widening in panic): Ah um, her dinner party? (As I remain silent she stutters on) Oh I guess you weren’t…
Me (putting her out of her misery): No, I wasn’t invited. It’s cool though. No worries, I’m fine. (And I was at that point)
Friend: You know how it is, her house is really small and it was kind of last-minute…
Me: Really, it’s okay.
Friend: Well just so know, I still like you.
And then I went home and cried. If you are a man you are probably wondering what the problem is – there was a mistake, we cleared it up and she even said she still likes me! If you are a woman you are likely cringing in sympathy. Ladies and gentlemen: I present to you the back-handed compliment. It was just like high school except this time I had the added bonus of watching it all play out on Facebook and Twitter.
As I dissected it the next day with my sister – that’s what I do when I’m upset (or angry or happy or worried or peeing funny colors) – she asked me why I cared. “Because I always kind of felt like X doesn’t like me and now I know she doesn’t!” My sister answered pragmatically, “So one person doesn’t like you, what’s the big deal?” And the light bulb went on. “Because I want everyone to like me,” I said realizing even as the words came out of my mouth that they were a) totally true and b) totally unrealistic. As a lifelong card-carrying member of the People Pleaser Club, I can’t stand it when I know someone dislikes me. I want to fix it! I want to show them that I am good and lovable and not whatever they think I am! But as a decade-long card-carrying member of the Adult Club (ha – that sounds naughty!) I realize that this is bound to happen and the thing to do now is to decide how I’m going to deal with it.
Here’s my current plan:
1. Cry and whine “it’s not fair.” Done! I’m great at this one.
2. Force myself to “not care” what other people think of me. I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I don’t know how. I’ve always cared deeply for people and I like to think that is one of the things that makes me who I am. But allowing myself to acknowledge the hurt is not the same as allowing it to torpedo me.
3. Realize that if everyone did like me that would mean I was doing something wrong. People have different opinions and becoming a social chameleon just so everyone thinks you agree with them isn’t fair to you or to them.
4. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps X doesn’t like me and meant it every bit as the slap in the face as it came across. But perhaps X just forgot me. Or perhaps she had a seizure at the exact second she was going to type my name on the evite and now associates me with a slight headache and an inexplicable vortex in time. But regardless of her intent, my response should be the same: grace, tact and generosity.
5. Acknowledge that I have done this and worse to people that I care about and quite honestly I’d rather be on this end of the situation than on X’s end. Mote:Beam, Pot:Kettle, Charlie Sheen:Mel Gibson and all that.
6. Forget it and move on. I have such a difficult time with this one.
OR, I could go with this:
1. Defame her to everyone who will listen*. Force all our friends to choose sides between us.
2. Throw my own party and not invite her.
3. Challenge her to a duel in which we see who can out bicep-curl the other. (What? I had to work fitness into this somehow… although she has serious guns so I might want to rethink this one.)
The second option’s tempting, I’m not going to lie. But. But who will that help in the end? Nobody. So right now I’m going to meditate on being water. Tonight I’m going to pray and thank God for liking me no matter how whiny I get. And tomorrow I’m going let my friends know how truly grateful I am for their friendship and support because being a good friend isn’t easy and I love them and their great big hearts.
What do you do when someone doesn’t like you? Does it bother you like it does me or are you able to just let it roll off you? Can I change from being a people pleaser to… (what’s the opposite of a people pleaser?!)? Any sympathy, advice or get-over-yourself smacks are truly appreciated.
*I do not think this qualifies as publicly shaming X or Friend or any of the involved people as neither X nor Friend read my blog,
I changed all the identifying details and in all honesty even if they do see this I doubt they will recognize themselves in it. And that’s how it should be. My intent in writing this was to seek comfort and advice in an area that has caused me a lot of pain throughout my life, not to “get back” at anyone. Like I said, I am as guilty of this as anyone. Stones: Glass Houses. And all that.
I can relate to this on multiple levels… I’ve thrown parties thought certain people wouldn’t want to come… so I didn’t invite them (then I heard from others I truly upset said people by not extending an invite)… and when I was in the military I was on the receiving end of not receiving invites more often than I’d like to admit.
It shakes you to the core, because in a way it seems an attack on your being. SEEMS being a key word. It doesn’t have to be one though as you point out. Some people just don’t mesh… sometimes there are a lot of reasons for an invite not to get extended.
And at the end of the day… it goes back to a Dr. Seuss phrase that might not sound like it completely applies to this, but in my mind does, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”… I used to internalize these things – play them over and over again… letting it eat me up, but now I try to just think about that.
sorry this comment was all over the place… it’s nearly midnight here and my brain is more scattered than normal it appears
No this made a lot of sense! Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s struggled with this and I love your Dr. Seuss quote – perfect!
This is perfect. I read this as I came home and cried my eyes out because I had just seen an email from a colleague bitching about me. I’m deviated and so don’t know how to handle people not liking me. I am the president of the people pleasers club. This article is perfect and just what I needed to read. Thank you!!
Oh good! Okay, NOT good that you had such a horrible experience at work (I would cry my eyes out too) but I’m glad that this helped you at least feel not alone! Yay, people pleasers;)
Hi Charlotte,
When someone is rude about me or to me I just don’t contact them again
Don’t give them a second thought.
You surely didn’t deserve to be spoken about in that way!
You sound like an ok kinda person. The reality is some ppl are just plain horrid.
Best wishes.
I like this comment, it’s exactly the same as what I feel recently.
I think we can all relate to this. My first thought is that it’s HER problem and so often these things tie back to some deep down (or maybe not so deep down) insecurity/jealousy/competitive thing. The second thought is there was something complicated with guest numbers, guest dynamics, or who knows. Or she made an assumption you couldn’t or wouldn’t come.
I know you will take the high-road and kill her with kindness. It gives her no ammunition!! But if it comes to it, you will out-bicep-curl her!
Whenever someone acts unkindly toward me I try to remember (not always successful tho) that maybe they had a total crap day and it has nothing to do with me. You know – fight with spouse, stepped in dog poo, you never know!
We’ll have a virtual dinner party with you!
Virtual dinner party! That would be fun:) And I love this: “Whenever someone acts unkindly toward me I try to remember (not always successful tho) that maybe they had a total crap day and it has nothing to do with me. You know – fight with spouse, stepped in dog poo, you never know!” Thank you for the reminder!
I don’t deal with people not liking me very well. I’m so darn likeable so LIKE ME!
But I do my best to avoid the snarky side of it and whine to The Boy and my mother and sulk for a day or so and then try move on.
I am so sorry that as grown women, we still feel dissed when the popular girls don’t want us at their lunch table. It really freaking sucks and anyone who says they aren’t bothered by being shunned (either purposefully or accidentally) well..I’d like to have some of their thick skin b/c mine is not and never will be that thick.
Trust me, I have cried many!! tears even recently b/c I know for a fact I have been excluded from certain blog things, certain real life things, and I always wonder…WHY??!
Like, do these people somehow take satisfaction in this (b/c many things it would literally not be any skin off their nose one way or the other but to not include me, I definitely feel the pain)…I just don’t get it.
And I am so sorry you had to go thru this!!!
I shudder to think what’s going to happen when this happens to skylar. Thanks for saying she’s one of your fave bloggie kids 🙂 But seriously women can be so cruel. At 13 when they dont truly know better and then at 33 or 43 when they most definitely do. And I want to just SCREAM at them!!
Im all riled up now for you!
Oooh good point about Skylar! From experience I can tell you it hurts 1000 times worse when it happens to your kid:( I can refrain from punching an adult but it’s hard to not want to throttle an older child who is being willfully cruel to your kid. And I’m so sorry you have to deal with this so much too.
I love what you say about praying and thanking G-d for loving you no matter how whiny you get.
A thin layer of jest and lottsa truth.
I do a lot of praying. And, mercifully, I receive a lot of comfort:)
We have all felt left out. Particularly now with Twitter and Facebook, we are more likely to hear about events or even see pictures of events we weren’t invited to. It does bother me when I know a group of my friends is getting together and I’m not included. But then I think to when I’m the one organizing and a line has to be drawn somewhere. Since it’s not possible to invite everyone all the time, there will always be people not included. And when I’m the one doing the inviting, it has nothing to do with liking or not liking someone. It’s about space, timing, how many people I am able to see, who I haven’t seen recently and frequently, who I think of first.
I actually find I’m bothered more when people don’t bother to RSVP to something then when I’m not invited. If the two are combined, then I do get really hurt and start to question the friendship.
Good point – this morning I’m feeling much more practical about the whole thing.
I am always upset to be left out! And it’s ridiculous because I’m so short on time I more often than not have to turn down invitations anyway.
I think I HAVE learned to deal with it better though. A girl at my p-t job I thought I got on with invited everyone on the staff to her birthday party apart from me, and I just thought, ah well, saves me coming up with an excuse to get out of it anyway…. whereas a few years ago I would have been devastated.
I must say I’m with Patricia on being hurt on a lack of RSVP though. I found it very hard to deal with that at our wedding, and the people who let us down by not coming. It’s hard to put yourself on the line and say “I like and value YOU enough to want you to be there at our tiny wedding party” and then not even get a response. There were lots of tears!
Px
This: “And it’s ridiculous because I’m so short on time I more often than not have to turn down invitations anyway.” SO TRUE! And good point about RSVPs, especially for weddings. ((hugs))
Awww Char, I am such a people pleaser too and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I want everyone to like me, too! I don’t really have any tips, but am looking forward to reading all the comments that come in and getting some ideas for myself.
This just happened to me a few weeks ago. A neighbor had a party the whole neighborhood was invited to, except us. But for years the woman always acted as if she’d never seen me before (if she saw me at all, usually she’d just look ‘through’ me), despite conversing on numerous occasions. Honestly I’m confused by the whole thing and a little bit entertained, because I cannot imagine for the life of me what I might have ‘done’. But beyond the amusement factor, I really couldn’t care less. As of yesterday guess who’s on the bus stop together with their kindergartners? Yep! Maybe she’ll think I’m a tree or something.
ROFL. I love your attitude! Why waste time worrying over something you can’t control when you can turn it into an opportunity to practice your mime skillz?!
As the comments that have already been posted can attest (and I’m with you there too!) this is a topic where lots of women are alike but feel so alone in their similarities because it appears whiny or selfish to wallow in it. Like you, I wish there was a way that I could just get over it or rise above it and just when I think that I have it in hand it hits me again.
You’ve found comfort here but alas, I don’t think that I have any advice to offer.
I appreciate the empathy Rebecca! Sometimes the best thing is to know what a very human feeling it is:)
I’ve been told to grow a thicker skin, but I don’t think I ever will. It’s our burden to bear 🙁
Kind of nice to know that some men have this problem too:)
I am definitely a member of the “people pleaser” club, which I am trying to work on. There is a certain friend of mine who says “Oh we haven’t gotten together forever, we need to get together again.” every time I run into them. Then I extend an invite and it is always turned down, the last one was “oh sorry we are busy because were are having a party.” Huh? I don’t get it, why say “we need to get together” if (I am guessing by their actions) they don’t really want to?
So no advice from me, just a virtual hug from a fellow sympathizer!
Thank you for the empathy! It’s good to be reminded what a very universal experience rejection is (even though it totally sucks). So sorry about your “friend”.
I hate finding out that someone doesn’t like me. Even though you know logically that not everyone will like you, when you find out someone doesn’t, you wonder what you did wrong.
My boyfriend always tells me not to worry about what other people think, but I can’t help it and I’m glad to hear that other people feel and react the same way!
It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, being left out, for whatever reason! I, too, fall into the “too sensitive” category (although, frankly, I’d rather be too sensitive than too INsensitive). I think you have it right: feel it, and let it go. Easier said than done, but pretending something doesn’t bother you leads to more hurt in the long run. And, in my case, gaining 30 pounds. Grr.
I’ve had quite a bit of experience with this in recent years. One of my closest friends (or so I thought), whom I’ve known since we were 6 years old, suddenly and seemingly without reason, stopped all communication with me. After many attempts to contact her without success, I finally got the message. It still smarts, but I can’t force someone to be my friend.
And recently there’s been a girl at the pool who makes fun of my daughter for wearing a swim diaper. Whenever she sees her, she points and whispers to whatever friend she happens to be there with. It makes me crazy! And, yes, definitely hurts a lot more when it’s directed towards my kids.
Hi my beautiful Char! 🙂
Being in the networking business has been the most challenging thing for me. I’m worried what people will think of me! So I don’t talk to them and clam right up. But working with personal development CD’s and having confidence in myself has helped enormously!
One of my CD’s says only 10 people will cry at your funeral. ONLY 10! What the heck??? I thought I touched more people than that!
FB has been hard for me too especially as a group fitness instructor. Every day is a new day and I’m just doing the best I can with every breath!
God bless my friend!
I’d cry at your funeral for sure! Don’t test me out though, ok?
I am going to add to voices here Charlotte and say your post hit me in the gut as well. I am a people pleaser to the max and a “good girl” to boot. Even at the age of 42 I still feel like I’m worrying about how others view me like I was still in junior high and it’s just such crap! Argh! I have to make an effort to slow my roll when I feel slighted and talk myself down from the ledge with this thought: How much do *I* really like these people anyway? How much fun and/or good conversation that’s actually reciprocal really happens with them? When I look at it like that, I’m usually fine with not being invited.
I read a funny thing a friend posted on facebook that said: “People with basal ganglia problems often spend their days worrying about what other people think of them. To help with this problem I teach them the “18/40/60 Rule” :
When you’re eighteen you worry about what everybody is thinking of you;
When you’re forty, you don’t give a damn about what anybody thinks of you;
When you’re sixty, you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all.”
Again, I seem to be stuck at 18. At least I seem to have some good company. Cheers! 🙂
Funny. Well this isn’t funny. But a year and a half ago I wasn’t invited to a party by someone I regularly hung out with. I mean it’s kinda of hard NOT to see all the pics on FB. I sulked, pissed off, felt like I was a kid all over again and I am in my mid 30’s. I thought WTF. My husband was like why does it matter? I said it’s the beginning of something that will not go well. I was right. I was not invited because the girls new “bestie” (hate the term) did not like some thing I said to her in jest. Because as an adult you should be able to joke around with people you have known for 5 years + and shared more memories and events than someone who just showed up in the group who somehow has weasled her way into everyone’s lives in the past 6 months. In the next few months I kept my mouth shut about my feelings for this person. Trying to not rock the boat and maintain the close relationship I had with some of these women. What happened? The weasel managed to destroy my friendships (can’t really call them that now) with these women I had known for years. If it had just been me I could see where I might have some issues but I watched the pattern go around through the larger group of friends. Anyone who was connected to the girl giving the party well if you said something that the weasel didn’t like that you were a piece of shit and you were not allowed to be around her. I’ve watched her destroy 4 friendships in the last year. And in reality if you are friends with someone for a long time and feel close to them and someone comes along and starts putting things in your ear that “so and so” is a bad person and you don’t stand up for that person then you really aren’t that great of a friend to begin with and letting go of that relationship is probably the best thing to do. Wow. That’s a lot. Sorry I dumped that but it’s actually more convulated than all that.
My best friend is just like this. We once had a three hour conversation about the possible reasons one of the women whom she worked with never said good morning to her and what she could do to make this woman like her. She was truly upset that of all the people in her huge office, one of them for some reason might dislike her. I’m the total opposite. I do the preemptive reject. If I get even the tiniest hint of a clue that someone might not like me or want to be my friend, I mentally decide that they’re a [insert derogatory term here] and I don’t want to be friends with them anyway. People are funny, aren’t we?
Ugh, I hate this. I’ve stopped caring so much about other people when I realized that if I was invited to EVERYTHING that was going on with my friends I wouldn’t have a moment to sleep, eat, train, work, etc. That I didn’t even WANT to be invited, but when I wasn’t, it felt crappy. I used to be WAY sensitive to it though and would get really hurt when I wasn’t invited.
I am also the worst at guest lists. I want to invite everyone to everything!!! My wedding probably would have just had an open call on twitter/facebook/my work if I could have afforded it! I’ve learned to just amend the invite list with “anyone is welcome, please add people” unless it is truly a small group thing.
Sing it sisters (and brothers.) Everyone should like me. I’m just that freaking adorable.
I’m way oversensitive – I try to make everyone like me. Even the people I don’t particularly like, myself. It’s funny that there are so many of us like this. We should have an online “I’ve been neglected” party.
I also worry a ton about people liking me or not liking me and what they think of me.
The worst moment was at a wedding and we didn’t know a lot of people. So we sat down next to some barely acquaintance friends and I was having fun, making small chat with one of the wives. I thought she was nice and interesting, and it seemed like we were getting along fine. I got up to get a drink or something, and when I came back, she had turned into towards her hubby and started completely ignoring me. Being a bit of a blunt person, I tried to make a little joke about it (and, I guess, passive-aggressively calling her on it because it made me feel bad) about how she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. . . and she just looked down her nose at me and turned even further away with her back to me. It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. We left shortly after that. I called my mother-in-law and cried on the way home.
That story aside. . . I think when it comes to events, people may have limited room or limited means, time, etc. to plan a party for everyone. Or maybe they wanted a certain mix and you didn’t fit the bill for this particular party? Either way, I understand completely!
What want to see some type of ninja sword duel play out from this injustice. You can vlog it. You’ll go viral ‘n stuff.
xoxo (I hope you’re smiling bettah now)
I know exactly how you feel. I try and not let that kind of thing get to me, but I’m always somewhat surprised when I’m invited to things, and still hurt on the occasion I’m not…
I’m with Yum Yucky – ninja duel for our entertainment please 🙂
I am not too hurt by others not liking me, I just say its there loss! But next time you have a thing, invite her. If she doesn’t come, call it good and just be the bigger person knowing you tried and that you are nice! If she does come you can still try and show her what a great person you are!
The older I get I tend not too worry about not being invited or someone not liking me. I have a great core group of friends. Its too hard to have too many friends cause life is busy with a husband, kids, family and friends. Best to give your best to a small group than not give enough time to all! If that makes sense?!
A few years ago, a new girl and her mother joined my daughter’s girl scout troop. I’m introverted, and never really got to know any of the other mothers well; always felt slightly excluded. But anyway, this particular mother was a professional party event coordinator. One day the troop leader (the only woman in the troop I felt comfortable with) was talking to me on the phone and mentioned a partyat this other woman’s house (with a pool) that she and her daughter had been invited to, presumably along with some other girls from the troop. I brushed it off to her, I could tell she felt very uncomfortable bringing it up and fiding out that other mother hadn’t invited my daughter to her party. But that’s life. I never said anything bad about this woman during troop meetings, and only ever said positive things. So, whatever. Even so? I did have slightly hurt feelings. After all, my *daughter* could have gone without me being present, you know?
And a postcript: my daughter is still friends with ONLY the leader’s daughter out of that entire troop. And she was in that troop for years. I wonder how much of that exclusion was because of me and my social awkwardness.
I do understand Charlotte. Like you, I want people to like me even though I know some are not going to – it is inevitable in life. I do feel bad for a while & then eventually I move on.
I love what Kat wrote & I try to think of it that way: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”…
I am better now than when I was younger but it still hurts.
first after reading this blog point, i was like “hey, a so-call friend doesnt like you–so what–their loss, f- them”
i’ve got thick skin & have been walking my own path to my own beat for centuries.:)
i do realize not everyone is me–this is what i’ve learned: you have your own friends & family who will always love you….outside of that, there are people who drift in, for whatever reason & out of your life. either way-both lives have been touched & changed, in small & big ways….that part makes one an adult without being bitchy LOL.
Also–whatever you put out there in the Universe comes bach to you three fold….makes one stop & re-think 😉
Keep The Faith Charlotte!
I just want to say that I LOVE YOU and I don’t even know you! There’s more of us than there is of X! And with a name like that…
Another really messed up thing…. I will not like someone, and yet it really bothers me if I think they don’t like me back. As if I’m allowed to not like people, but everyone must love me. Really silly. Which makes me realize that you can’t click with everyone, and it’s not a terrible thing.
I think the same thing! There are several people who I don’t particularly care for, but I would feel so incredibly bad if they didn’t like me (or, if not like, at least think I was okay!).
As a complete introvert, I despise social occasions so much that I’m usually relieved not to be invited. Then I don’t have to make up an excuse why I won’t go. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am…probably because of a combination of genetics (it’s just the way I came out) and disappointments early in life, that taught me it really is better not to care. If I felt that someone I really liked and admired disliked me, it would upset me, but usually the people who don’t invite me to their parties or say mean things behind my back…let’s just say, no loss there! There’s no shame in being disliked by stupid, shallow people! But that’s just the surface level. Somewhere deep below that, being left out bothers me so much I have to remind myself of everything I just wrote…. And I’m always being left out of something. Aren’t we all?
Ahhh, haven’t we all been there? I like you a lot, Charlotte. If this person doesn’t like you, something is obviously wrong with them. This is much more about them than it is about you!
I’m exactly like you in this. However, I KNOW lots of people don’t like me as I’m a “love me or hate me” kinda girl. Okay, hate might be strong, maybe “love me or not like me” girl. It does bother me intensely tho if I know the someone that doesn’t like me…however, I think I’ve come to accept it. Plus Char…the people that LOVE you (like me) make up for those that don’t like you! 🙂
Thanks so much for posting this….
My values have been changing a lot since I started nursing school, and I am finding that people I was once good friends with, either they end up not liking me, or I end up not liking them. On the other hand, I feel so incredibly guilty when I don’t like a person because I believe everyone is good at heart and worthwhile getting to know.
I do know that feeling though, when you think someone doesn’t really like you, and then you find out something that makes it “true”. Its hurtful, even though neither person is really doing anything wrong.
I have just discovered your blog recently, and I think you are quite likeable!
It took me years to figure out that logically, dear Charlotte, if I don’t like everyone – and I don’t – then though it hurts, it’s going to happen that someone who I wish would doesn’t like me. It really seems like it’s all part of our being finite and turning to the most Infinite for comfort. Take care dear friend and if I was nearby and had a party, I’d keep my nose plastered to the window ’til you came up the walk!
Can I just say that this post is insanely timely?? I swear, it’s like you know what is happening in my life, and you post on it! It’s magical!
Today at work three different lawyers were snarky to me- and I was very upset, and convinced that it was because of me (because as an articling student, I’m essentially at the very bottom of the totem pole, so…I feel generally like everything is my fault). By the end of the day, all three of them had tracked me down, and apologized for being brusque. It would have been a much easier day had I read this earlier.
I definitely agree with not being a social chameleon, and giving people the benefit of the doubt. Those are things that I’m constantly working on.
Plus, I’d totally invite you to my dinner party! You’d be full of hilarious gym stories! And anecdotes about nutrition! Maybe my dinner parties would be more popular if I didn’t insist on explaining all the health benefits of flax seed during them….
I’m sorry this happened. FB and Twitter make these sorts of incidents so much worse. When things like this happen I always remind myself that I really don’t know the big picture. Like you said, who knows why she didn’t invite you. There could be many reasons that aren’t personal and if they are…well…you’re right we can please everyone. (((hugs)))
It really only bothers me when everyone’s secretive and whispery about the event. I don’t have to be invited to everything (I don’t even want to be invited to everything), but don’t stop talking when I walk up or whisper when I walk away. One of my coworkers was having a party at her house and everyone was trying to be hush-hush. My nose was slightly out of joint about it, then someone finally told me that it was one of those “Willow House” parties where a bunch of stuff I would never be interested in was being sold. I ended up pretty happy that my coworker knew me well enough to not invite me.
I’ve grown up with people not being able to stand me, just ask Charlene! Mostly because when they hurt me I’d hurt back by being the most caustic and sarcastic little jr high snot around. Even when it turned into genuine humor, I’d still go around offending people left and right. I still care when people don’t like me because I really am trying to be charming and funny! It’s made me a bit anti social wanting to surround myself by my best friends (whom I made myself, kids are like the ultimate craft project!) By creating a tribe of family and close friends (an in your case, fans), with age it does really get easier! Plus, it makes me really thick skinned because I can’t go around getting offended in light of what I repeatedly do to other people!
Maybe this article can help?
http://blog.peertrainer.com/tip_of_the_day/2009/01/tips-on-how-to-develop-a-tough-skin.html
I am way too sensitive myself, so I totally relate to you being hurt by this!
Hi Charlotte,
Total people pleaser here and laughing at the paragraph with the girls vs guys point of view. So true. CD is always like, who cares? Ahh, I wish, I didn’t, but it’s hurtful to be excluded (which I really don’t understand. Honestly, I think it was a complete oversight b/c how could someone not want you at his/her dinner party, and I’m not just saying that!) I once read the 5-5-5 rule or something like that. I’m totally going to screw this up, but it went something like this, how much will this matter 5 days from now? 5 months? 5 years? It won’t. That always makes me feel better. 🙂
Yes, this is me…doh. We should totally hang out! Why don’t you still live in Seattle, again? But…what if you didn’t like me? Yikes!
Pingback:Random Bits from the Week
Girl, I would have been in tears myself. It’s awesome you can actually reflect on all of this and realize not everyone will like you, no matter how likable you are 🙂
I am way to emotional, and always read into things too much – it’s hard not to be offended when someone just doesn’t like you, but that’s just life.
Keep your chin up!
Pingback:I Just Called To Say I Love You [Postcard From the Edge] | The Great Fitness Experiment
Can so relate only it’s not a friend that doesn’t like me it’s my Mother In Law. She can be very cruel to me and often makes fun of me. She even managed to say that she was shocked I was able to carry my daughter to term because of my anorexic past. Now try living with that. 3-4 more months and I gone bitch to live in my own home. Take that!
Pingback:Counting in | O Frabjous Day
This has been a major struggle of mine since school began this year. Since Middle School I’ve struggled on and off with who is really my friend due to a New Year’s Eve party that everyone in the group I thought I was part of went to and never told me about. I got to hear all about how fun it was when school was back in session. Cut to the core! I tell myself to be a grown up when I am pretty certain that someone doesn’t like me, that not everyone will like me, that I don’t like everyone. Still a struggle that I am trying to overcome!
I’m starting to realize that I have the same problem; I don’t ever think there is something wrong with the person that seems to not like me, but I immediately freak out about what I did wrong and how I can make them like me again. I get down on myself and it makes me sad, but it’s not a quality i necessarily want to get rid of. I do think it’s a part of who you are and is something that keeps you from being mean to others because you know how much you fear being disliked. The part of it that annoys me is when I obsess over one word I said and the possibly insignificant response from a friend that makes me regret saying or doing what I had done so much so that I spend most of my day thinking about it. Sorry I haven’t actually helped you, but yeah, i get what you’re saying/feeling.
can relate so much to this. been a people pleaser, and it just sucks when the person you wanted doesnt want you back.
I just saw this blog today, and it feels better to know so may of us feel the same. I recently realize one of my co-worker has stopped talking to me and just ignore me completely. We were really close before, and that made me feel so bad plus I don’t even know why! Finally I talked to her. She said it’s because she heard from others I have been spreading her personal life (secrets) around. I told her it’s not true, I didnt do such a thing. After a long talk, we seem to be ok again, but I soon realize she still ignores me. I can’t help but feeling so very hurt. I want to “not care” but it’s just so hard especially when u thought that person was ur friend. How I can stop feeling miserable?
Pingback:Sex, Drugs, Rock-n-Roll and…Pop Tarts? The Addictive Personality [Flaw or Feature?] | The Great Fitness Experiment
Hi wao! this really help, so thank you. However my situation its kind of different. Before I was hospitalize for depression I had a breakdown at work, which my cursh witnessed. After I came back I wasn’t very stable and when he came around me, he made me nervous so I tried to avoid him, but the store is not that big so I would eventually see him every now and then, and for some reason my face was not helping, I CANT HIDE MY FEELINGS SO I would feel angry that he made me uncomfortable and he knew it right away.Long story short he doesn’t like me because of this. I’m used to being like by everybody but the fact that obviously think I’m annoying, hurts! Because it’s my fault but I’m not perfect so I’m just trying to get over it.
Whoa, , before you start beating yourself up for being overly people pleasing, get a load of me. I was just feeling bad because my EX husband (whom I left because he was not very kind to me) doesn’t seem to be liking me at all these days. lol
I realize how ridiculous that sounds. It was a fleeting feeling of “I feel sad because my ex husband who was a n asshole to me is acting like a jerk to me.” Of course he is . He hates that I left him and he wants to punish me with his disapproval. Whatevs.
So aside form my own issues, this highlights anohter important aspect of being a people pleaser. Others sense it and they will use it to control you. Because others can suck sometimes.
Good luck out there, friends.
Hey, I feel the same way, it’s super hard to just let someone hate you, when you really have made an effort to bridge the gap. It’s not your fault that someone isn’t intelligent enough to like you. You give people your energy and it gets thrown back in your face like garbage – remember it’s not you , it’s them. And they see themselves in you and just don’t like that part of themselves. It’s crazy to hate her back, and a waste of your energy. You are the bigger person , because at least you tried to care. I wish everybody could like everybody. But sometimes people decide before they have even gotten to know you that they don’t like you and it’s hard for them to want to prove themselves wrong. I always try to give people a few chances and see if I can get past the phase of initial judgement. I think first impressions can be deceiving and if someone has decided not to like me, it’s going to be their problem, not mine. I know no one is perfect but we should always try to give our best and sometimes people need a dose of their own medicine to get that they are not the only person in a friendship. If someone does this to you they are the loser- not you.
Pingback:How Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Death is Helping Me Understand My Own Struggles With Addiction [Along with the unlikely help of Russell Brand]
This relates to me right now… I’m in high school and an older cousin who I’ve always liked and thought was “so cool” when I was younger had recently moved to the same state and is staying with us; however, although this seems like it would be a dream come true as I could finally become friends with my cousin it seems as if that isn’t possible because no matter how friendly I’ve been, no matter what kind things I’ve done, the few conversations starters I’ve said, the invites I’ve given, all our brushed off like I’m dust… And it’s only with me because he’s gotten along well with my other cousins, my siblings, my father, aunts and uncles, my mother, even the younger kids in my family have gotten more attention than me I feel heartbroken cus I admired him and wanted to be friends I am really good at building relationships too I always know just the right amount of attention to give and at what times and when to try and not to try but it seems like he just doesn’t like me he never talks to me always greets and says bye to everyone so nicely by giving them hugs and a kiss and me he just ignores or says hi or bye he gives me dirty looks and never sits near me please can anyone give me advice on what to do as I am a really sensitive person and this situation truly hurts me
On va vous dire que ce n’est guère faux !!
Encore un article visiblement fascinant
Heya! I realize this is kind of off-topic however I had to ask.
Does managing a well-established website like yours take a lot
of work? I am brand new to writing a blog however
I do write in my diary daily. I’d like to start a blog so I can share my own experience and thoughts online.
Please let me know if you have any suggestions or tips for brand new
aspiring bloggers. Thankyou!
For a wonderful informative review please view
this page healthy dieting tips
Thank you for sharing your story. For even as an adult, I feel I have to make everyone happy in my bubble (kids, my mom and my love). However I have good news, over time and experience you will learn to control your feelings when they get hurt by someone who may not appreciate you. Being you is beautiful and never change to make someone else happy. That is what I have learned and if they don’t like you or treat you not nice always smile and be your best.
I have made some tremendous mistakes in my past and I have suffered in depression because I was so mad at myself for acting in such a way that I shouldn’t have. I am an African American female and I am enrolled as a full time student in college to become a Social Worker. I have a hard time coming to a conclusion that the whole world will not like me. I am a people pleaser and if I feel like someone doesn’t like me I try to do anything I could think of to change their mind about me. With the mistakes I have made in the past I have so many people looking at me in a bad way. People I don’t even know looks at me like I did something wrong to them. I don’t know whether or not I should care. I always tell myself “surround yourself with people you trust and who are/will always be there for you” its still hard for me to think about people talking about me and not liking me for mistakes I regret. How do I handle this?
Pingback:white wall
Someone is crying because I being left out behind this is all my fault everything is went wrong I felt bad I doing like it anymore everyone dosint care about me anymore I doint know what to say about it I doint want to think about it hurts me everyone dosint care I got cramps just leave me alone this is my fear I worrying to much I see everyone is in pain like this
Hi there
I love this post!! And I am totally with you. I find it incredibly difficult to deal with anyone not liking me. Mainly because, I’ve always treated others the way I’d like to be treated, so when it’s not delivered back, it hurts.
There is this couple that we are friendly with. Not so much anymore but they are part of a big group and we feel tied to still include them in plans. I’ve always thought that the girlfriend disliked me with a few jabs and unfriendly conversation, but I kind of fobbed it off.
Then this week, I sent an email around regarding my hen party and within seconds, she removed herself from the group. I was hurt…but at the same times wasn’t exactly surprised…But STILL HURT!
No I feel like why are we even contemplating inviting them, to our wedding?
I unfortunately, have very strange, passive aggressive neighbors who fluctuate between inviting me/not inviting me, to their crappy parties, that I never did have any interest in going to (and honestly got fed up with being the only one constantly bringing stuff, that I shouldn’t have been wasting MY money on, to share). Being the people-pleasing sap I USED to be, I would always give in, once I was included again, even though I never seemed to feel welcome, nor did I enjoy their company. Then, about 4yrs ago, they started leaving me out again and I decided right then and there, NOT to EVER attend ANY future party, regardless. And now, that they’re trying their D*MNDEST to get me to be “friendly” again, I’ve remembered all the hurt and disappointment from the past (+wasted money) and decided to now put myself and my feelings FIRST. The heck with those rude, ungrateful slobs. “With *friends* like that, who needs enemies?” LITERALLY!
Hi,
Hi, I joined a choir a month ago and I LOVE it. My 2 female neighbours who have been in the choir long before me, have welcomed me into their twice weekly rehearsals at each other’s houses. All was well up until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed tiny tiny almost imperceptible behavioural changes. She turns her back completely on me to talk to her friend at the main choir practise. Today she called across the busy rehearsal room to her friend to offer her a cup of tea. Call me paranoid but as a woman, I can pick up on these minute nuances.
It ruined my choir rehearsal today. She is very small and prim and just a tad Godly. Meanwhile I am 15 stone, funny and I say it how it is when in conversation, I can make people laugh.bI shouldn’t care but today I felt very much left out and alone. I think she is just jealous, though God knows why. I prefer the company of my sheep and dogs.