I so totally did this.
It’s been an interesting, slightly emotional week for me around the Internets. I wrote a piece for Redbook about Michelle Duggar’s recent miscarriage of her 20th baby and while the Redbook/Shine readers didn’t have much to say about it, my post about it for The Huffington Post got a little nuts. I’m constantly amazed at both the beauty and the ugly that comes out in Internet comment forums. But I stand by it and I hope that people will find it helpful. I’ve included the post here with links to the various comments below. (Be warned: don’t read any of the comments on the other sites if this is at all a sensitive issue for you. That’s why I’m republishing it here – so you can get the info and still feel safe to share your story if you wish.) There’s a lot of stuff here today, feel free to skim until something catches your interest.
Fitness (non-controversial) stuff first:
5 Ways to Find a Great Running Route Anywhere. If you’ve ever been on vacation and wanted to find a run that wouldn’t get you run over by taxis nor axe-murdered on some deserted country road then you’ll love this list.
I Tried It: Using a Cleanse for Weight Loss. Check out Gym Buddy Jeni’s story on Shape.com about using the Shakeology 3-day cleanse!
ADHD or Overachiever: Women and the Epidemic of Adderall Abuse. After my post here on Adderall being used to fuel our superwoman complex, I got to interview a national expert (and recovered Adderall addict) Brad Lamm on the topic. Most interesting part for me was this quote from him: “Every generation has an amphetamine crisis. And it is driven by women.” I’m not sure I agree with that but it has made for a lot of interesting conversations in my head this week.
10 New Fat Blasting Tabata Workouts to Try. Pretty much covered this in my separate post here but wanted to add Thor Falk’s advice from the comment section. The gist is that whatever you choose to do, you need to be able to do it at a cardio intensity capable of 170% of your VO2 max (which is to say, really freaking hard). He observed that most people won’t get that intensity from squatting and handstand push-ups and he makes a great point. If you do ATG (a$$ to the ground) squats like I demo’d and added a jump at the top I think you could really drive your heart rate up but I think he’s right about the handstand push-ups. They’re tough but they’re not cardio. In his words: “The key for cardio endurance training is to use your big muscle groups so that your cardio vascular system becomes the binding constraint” and not muscle failure. He also worried that the box jumps were an injury waiting to happen and while I’ve never had any issues with falling or tripping doing them I can see how it could happen. Sooo….8.5 new Tabata moves to try? I swear I have the smartest readers ever!
Now parenting stuff.
Murphy’s 8 Laws of Parenting. I thought this one was hilarious. I am apparently the only one.
You’ve heard about the controversy surrounding TLC’s show “All-American Muslims”? I covered it for Redbook but Gym Buddy Krista, who is Muslim, had a fascinating response I wanted to include here: “The whole controversy started with that fringe Christian group FFA in Florid. It is in their best interest to continue to portray the fastest growing religion in America, and the world, as scary and abnormal. The “powers that be”, however, have a different motivation. I believe theirs is control. A society in fear is a controllable society. It behooves them to keep the public on edge, and right now, Muslims are to vice of choice. It hasn’t always been the Muslims and it likely won’t always be. But for now, it is what it is.”
‘Tis the Season for Spoiled Kids (and my surprising tip to undo the damage). Hint: it involves simultaneous puking and diarrhea. What? I just write what I know…
MizFit posted an interesting question on her Facebook asking her readers the proper protocol for attending elementary school concerts – specifically, is it okay to leave after your child’s part is done? I thought that made for an interesting Great Mom Debate and took the discussion over to Shine which was going great until their new site maintenance erased all the comments (whaaa?).
What Not To Say To a Woman Who’s Had a Miscarriage
Earlier today Michelle Duggar had to make the difficult announcement that she had miscarried their 20th baby. No matter how you feel about the number of kids she has, having to announce your loss to your kids, your family and the entire country has to be immensely difficult. While I haven’t had 20 kids – not even close! – I have had a couple of miscarriages and a stillbirth. I don’t intend to speak for all women who have suffered a prenatal loss but in the midst of all the beautiful, supportive things people said to me, there were a few things that really bothered me. And the worst part was that the speaker usually meant them in a kind way. So in the effort to save another mom a little pain, here are my 10 things not to say to a woman who has just miscarried a baby:
1. “It’s God’s will.” I’m religious but even I found this a bit pretentious. Who are you to know what God’s will is? And if the woman is not religious this is even more unhelpful.
2. “It probably had genetic problems, you should feel lucky it didn’t survive.” Not all of us consider a child who is disabled to be a curse. And even so, especially with early miscarriages the cause is often unknown. Speculating about why it happened doesn’t help.
3. “I told you you shouldn’t have kept running/ate sushi/uncrossed your legs on the bus!” Anything that blames the mother is cruel. And anything that starts with “I told you so” is rude.
4. “You must be devastated!” This is a tricky one. Depending on many factors surrounding the pregnancy a woman may or may not feel sad about the miscarriage. For some women, like Michelle Duggar, the pain is acute but I’ve known plenty others who felt no real attachment to the baby that early on and were made to feel guilty that they weren’t sad. A better approach is to ask “How are you feeling about this?” and then listen.
5. “Let me know if I can help.” This is sweet but it is too vague. Most likely she won’t let you know because it will feel like an imposition. Suggest something you would feel comfortable doing like “May I bring you dinner tomorrow night?” or “Could I take you out to Starbucks for a little break?”
6. “You should be over this by now.” The loss of any child can potentially be devastating for years to come. There is no set time frame for grieving. If you feel like she is “stuck” in the process or has a mental illness then there are kinder ways to help her get help.
7. “Well it’s not like you were that far along…” When you lose a baby, you lose all the hopes and dreams you had for that child, no matter how far along you are. I’ve lost a baby in each trimester and each one was devastating to me in its own right. In addition to the mental pain, there can be physical complications as well. I ended up with a perforated uterus and the worst infection of my life after losing a baby that most people didn’t even know I was carrying.
8. “You can always have more kids.” This may be true but there are so many factors in fertility, unless you are her OBGYN then you don’t know enough to say this. And even if it is the case, for many women one baby does not replace another.
9. “Time heals all wounds.” Eventually perhaps. But saying this to someone at the height of their grief minimizes all the struggles they are having right now, in this time.
10. “You shouldn’t have a funeral/name the baby/keep talking about it.” Grieving is such an individual process. For me, it helped to name all my babies – alive and dead. Some families plant a tree, hold a candle ceremony, donate to a charity or even hold a full funeral, like the Duggars said they will be doing. Whatever helps them grieve and heal is appropriate. If it makes you uncomfortable you don’t need to participate.
(Side note: TMZ has posted pictures of the deceased 19-weeks-gestated baby. I totally applaud the Duggars for taking pics. I kinda want to punch TMZ for using them in such a sensationlistic manner.)
Has anyone ever said anything really awful to you in the midst of a personal tragedy? What have you found most helpful? Least? What most affected you this week on the Internet?
I just got diagnosed with MS and lots everyone tells me, they know someone with MS who is doing very well and living a normal life. I’m super happy for them and hope that my life will be the same, but having MS is not the same as being healthy. There are always some symptoms whether or not anyone else can see them.
1. I had a miscarriage and my father asked me, “Well what were you doing? Why weren’t you taking it easy?” umm fucking shopping on my damn honeymoon.
2. Having a nonverbal daughter with Autism I can get some rather “well she is communicating” with you comments, when she says “no” (only word she regularly uses) or when she hand gestures to what she wants. Yes playing a crappy game of charades is not my lifetime goal. Especially when it involves a lot of head banging and head hitting with a 3.5 year old.
I read the Michelle Duggar stories but refused to read any of the comment sections on any website. People are just so rude.
I, too, have been appalled at what people have said to me and others at the height of their grief. One very godly man I know who has lost a daughter and walked through other people’s tragedies with them offered one mother this very wise advice when she lost a child to SIDS: “People will say some really strange and hurtful things, but you have to realize that they are giving you the best they have to offer. Accept it with grace.” Basically, it leaves no expectations for them to do otherwise, and leaves you to grieve without burdening you with the anger/ resentment. But, I think the wisest thing for each of us to do at such a time is to show up and keep our mouth shut.
My husband and I have been married for five years and have suffered two miscarriages three years ago and have decided to move on. I am a fulltime stepmom to his three teenagers. I received a call from my sister over the summer asking me if I wanted info on a fertility clinic and that I needed to keep trying because my mom was really sad that she was going to only have one grandkid etc… I have always had kidney issues etc and still haven’t seem to fully recover because because my period has yet to go back to a normal 28 days like I was before. My mother and father informed me that my health is what is most important and my mom told my husband that everyone forgets that I have kidney issues and your kidneys are kinda vital for a health pregnancy. Basically mine work for me and me alone. I promised my husband and love and cherish him till the end of my days not kill myself over procreating. However I seem to wrestle with guilt about this being Catholic.
I wish more people would talk about miscarriage because I truly believe it is becoming a silent empidemic among women. We are told to dump chemicals on and in our body everyday, the goverenment has messed up our food market by introducing gmo’s, removing sugar and replacing it with corn syrup, not supporting our local farmers and placing a hefty tag on clean natural food. Since the miscarriages I rarely wear makeup and have been using unrefined coconut oil for my facial and body moisturizer because if rates a 0 on a 1-10 scale of how toxic it is from skindeep.com All your typical femine products are bleached and we put it inside ourselves for a week per month, really….
After I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I told my husband that I didn’t want to talk to anyone (not even my mom or my 2 sisters) because I didn’t want to hear anyone else’s stories. This was MY baby and MY miscarriage and I needed time to process it on my own. So when my mom called a few days later (I thought it was my husband calling otherwise I never would have answered the phone) I felt violated and robbed of my grieving time. It really pissed me off that she couldn’t just let me work it out in my own way.
So my point is, if someone tells you they don’t want to talk about it – respect their decision.
I had 2 miscarriages, both in my 4th month, 1 before my live births and 1 after (aka, my last pregnancy). The first 1 was difficult, but the pain faded with the births of my sons. The last one I still think about and it’s been 29 years. It’s the ‘what ifs’ that play through periodically…they would be in kindergarten, they would be in HS, would they be married now…the thoughts slam into consciousness as the older brothers would reach each milestone. Back then we didn’t talk about it, it was treated as a fact of life but the parents weren’t really allowed to grieve. I was really glad to see that change starting in the late 80s. I know the Duggars have a lot of children, but that is definitely beside the point – who’s to say they have too many children when their children are safe and warm and being raised with so much love. Also, this was most probably her last pregnancy and I have a great deal of empathy for her having experienced this myself. I wish them all the best.
Miscarriage is an event that no one can understand until they’ve experienced it. I understand 4/5 because if you are like me and haven’t experienced it, you just really don’t know what to say. I’m sure I’ve made this error. I hope I don’t do it again. But blaming the mother or making the pregnancy unimportant is cruel and inexcusable.
I wish, when people hear news of a miscarriage, they would just say “I’m sorry.” No blame, no reasoning, just an acknowledgment of grief. and whatever anyone’s opinion of the Duggars and their family, she lost a baby.
I also wholeheartedly agree with what Krista says: there has always been one group of people who are forced to shoulder the blame for society’s problems. Japanese, African Americans, Russians,Latin, Irish, Jewish, Italians, and now Muslims. It’s wrong and sad, and prevents us from finding REAL solutions.
Finally, I LOVE Shakeology. May try the cleanse at some point. But not while the kids are home from school for 2 weeks, lol!
My colleague had a miscarriage about a month ago. She was at 20 weeks. She went to find out the sex of the baby, but found out the baby had severe heart complications and only had days to live. She had to deliver the baby girl. She is such a strong woman but I know she is grieving on the inside. I think I have been appropriately supportive but I still feel like there’s more I should be doing 🙁
I had a miscarriage in October. It would have been our first child. I felt nothing physically when I was pregnant, and felt nothing physically when recovering from the DnC. Mentally- it hits me at odd times. We have since been given the ok to start trying again. The scary part is not knowing if that was it (my one chance), or if I’ll get pregnant again.
As far as people saying things to me- because it was my first, I didn’t say anything to friends or co-workers- only immediate family knew.
HUGS Charlotte! I am not a fan of that show or all that goes with it but to be mean & say things that are unnecessary – UGH!
Yes, I have had things said to me during tragedy. Unfortunately it was a family member & it broke up a very close relationship with a sister…. 🙁
I had a miscarriage in college. I wasn’t aware that I was even pregnant, it was very early on. There were and still are a few people that know about what happened. While I wasn’t at a point in my life to be a mother, there isn’t a year that goes by that I don’t stop and remember my potential child. Who would be 11 this year, my life would be completely different…
I used to find myself not saying anything at all when I didn’t know what to say… however, a year ago when a friend of mine took her own life (and I lost my dog the day after) I took people’s lack of any sort of sentiment as a lack of care and compassion… and it hurt. Caused me to evaluate my own reactions sometimes… and to wonder if it’s worse to do refrain from saying anything at all… Other times, such as when my friend lost her father unexpectedly (he had a heart attack after mowing the grass whilst I was over at her house and he died while she was trying to resuscitate him) … I told her that if she needed to talk that she could call me at her own time. That situation was a complicated one though due to how everything happened.
As for myself? I remember when I went into treatment and the first time I saw my mother after she’d lost over 50 pounds and she told me that I’d inspired her to… erm?? That wasn’t really a “tragedy” though
Wow, I really can’t believe that people said those things! I admit that I am usually at a loss as to what is appropriate to say, since I’ve never been in that situation but some of those things are just straight up insensitive!
I also really want to hear more about Jeni’s experience with the cleanse. (Even though I feel totally shallow for saying that after talking about miscarriages….) I read the article she wrote, but I’m curious if she really felt like it “rid” her of toxins. I have serious digestive issues and the best I have ever felt in the last few years was for the month following a 2 day fast, which I had to do prior to a colonoscopy. So maybe there is some truth to that hype?
My mother had a miscarriage after my brother and I. We were just little kids at the time so. Didn’t understand at the time. I think I was in the third grade. We don’t speak about that baby I think we’ve only talked about it one time. I have no idea how far along she was. But I am sure it hurts since it would have been my step father’s first child. I think it might hurt more since my mother didn’t think she could carry a child since me and my brother shouldn’t be here.
Yeah, when I had a miscarriage of a six week or so pregnancy (my second pregnancy, the first resulted in a little girl), a ‘friend’ of mine who had five children of her own, asked me if I’d reached up too high and got the cord around the baby’s neck (at six weeks?) or did any other of a number of stupid old wife crap. Not to mention the old saw, “You can have another, this one was early!”
I still want to smack her across the face for saying things she should have known better NOT to say. Sure, I went on and got pregnant a few weeks later and had a nother baby, but still. I want to smack her hard, still. A simple, “I’m sorry” and droping the subject would have been just fine.
people really say the first one?!
yeah.
You lost me there thinking about the fact people, at times, can be so insensitive in their efforts to help.
(they really say that?!)
I can’t believe some of the things people will say. It’s crazy. I try to be sensitive but I’m not the best with words either. Hopefully I don’t come off as insensitive. I just just don’t know what to say.
Some of those things on your list are crazy. How can anyone think that’s ok to say?
I haven’t had a miscarriage (knock on wood), so I can’t speak from that kind of experience, but I did have a brother die. The “time heals all wounds” thing is true, and I feel like it’s something to keep in mind because it keeps you hopeful. I know that from experience, and I’ve told others that after they lost someone. I guess any little thing can rub someone the wrong way…it just depends on the person. Ultimately, we need to try not to be so sensitive and realize that people are trying to be helpful. The “let me know if I can do anything” line is something that I think is kind of stupid because most people aren’t going to ask, but at the same time, we just need to acknowledge that they are reaching out to us and are showing that they care. And that’s fine too. At least they said something. Some people are too scared to even say anything, and they pretend like it didn’t happen.
Back to the people saying stupid things…my best friend at the time of my brother’s death told me that she thought I was trying to make people feel sorry for me. (Uhhh we’re not very close anymore…haha.)
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searching and wound up here A Cleanse, A Reader Correction and What
Not To Say to a Woman Who
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