“In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate the crime and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders.” And Batman. There’s always room for Batman. DUN-DUN!
Blood spatters. Rape kits. Horrific crimes balanced out by the most humane cops I’ve ever not met. (I’ve actually had dreams where I’m talking to Olivia Benson/Mariska Hargitay.) Plots twisted so far beyond reality that “ripped from the headlines” is more a threat than a promise. There’s a lot to recommend Law & Order: SVU, really.
And yet: “Why are you watching that?!” my husband asked me about ten times. “You know that show gives you nightmares.” He’s right. In fact, I’ve told him not to let me watch it. I didn’t answer him: “I already have the nightmares. Now I want the company.” So here I sit watching reruns back to back. It’s why I couldn’t write a (decent) post tonight – not because I have nothing to say but because I have too much – all caught up in how worse it could have been. And wasn’t. But was bad enough. It was, right?
In the past when I went on these seeking-for-sympathy media binges, I had no idea why I was doing it. I scared myself with this insatiable desire to think the unthinkable and to see how others came out of it. Or didn’t. Especially because normally I can’t abide even reading about these types of things much less watching them. But this time, 7 years older, I’m less surprised and not scared at all. I’ve learned that assault victims deal with things in a myriad of different ways and this just happens to be part of my process. And a latter part, at that.
When I decided (or, rather, realized) several weeks ago that I couldn’t fight the memories but had to just ride them out, that meant I had to let myself go through the whole process. I finished the worst of it two weeks ago and so this darkness-seeking I now know is finite. And necessary. And I don’t need to be afraid of it. It means I’m healing. Wanting to hear other people’s stories, even fictionalized, means I’m doing better at listening to my own.
Some things we do and we have no idea why. Some things we do and only we know why.
The question I’m asking myself now is about resiliency. Specifically, am I lacking it because I’m traumatized by something that so many other women have experienced, and worse, and yet do not seem to be as affected by it as I am? Or do I have it in spades because no matter how many times it knocks me over, I keep getting up? I know that I’m trying really really hard to learn from it, to be better, to do better. I know that I want to be resilient. But is that a trait that is born or made?
I’m hoping it’s the latter. I’ve always thought of myself as a brittle person. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like change. (Except in my workouts but even those are just variations on a theme.) I don’t know how to be water. But maybe I’m doing better than I thought. I wish I could ask Detective Benson. She’s always got all the answers – in 60 minutes or less. Maybe that’s why I keep watching.
Do you consider yourself to be a resilient person? Any tips on how to cultivate resiliency? And any thoughts about Rihanna going back to Chris Brown? That’s been on my mind all day but I can’t seem to get further than “When you think you’re broken, sometimes the thing that feels the safest is to return to the one who broke you. Because at least they understand the damage and aren’t afraid of it.” but then I don’t know her from anyone. Is Rihanna resilient or insane? Although maybe this explains it? Some things we do and we have no idea why. Some things we do and only we know why. (Also, some things are not my business. Duly noted.)
*I know this type of post bothers some of you and for that I’m both sympathetic and sorry. So if you are wondering when these posts are going to end, I assure you it won’t be much longer. Perhaps this will be the last one. At least for a long while. This writing, it’s part of my process too.
Need something fluffier? Try my new series for Shape “Your Brain On…”
hell no I do not need anything fluffier, charlotte.
This is a powerful post and something I applaud you for sharing.
I long to add “no one is LESS BRITTLE THAN YOU MY FRIEND” and thoughts/feelings like that but I also know that what we (the great unwashed readermasses :)) think isnt important.
Neither is what the gym buddies think or your husband or anyone except you.
Im so proud of you for facing your feelings head on and working THROUGH THEM rather than distracting yourself from them.
I have to admit I was sad when I saw that R and CB had reportedly been living together for a while now—but I wasnt surprised.
While I cant wrap my brain around the abuse I can ‘get’ the notion of the pain we know (CB) being better than the pain we dont (healing for her and life w/out him).
Thats the only was I can almost understand it.
Thank you – this really means a lot to me, especially coming from you! I appreciate you sticking by me through all of this!
I actually think that you are very smart, Charlotte. You should be the one giving tips on how to cultivate resiliency. It seems to me that you are trying to figure out the why, the basics, for something that is bothering you. Once you figure out the basics, or how something works, it’s easier to decide what to do next or not be so bothered by it (I only point this out because maybe you don’t realize that you’re doing it; I’m hoping to be helpful, but I might be completely wrong in my assessment–if so, please ignore). For instance, I was afraid of spiders until I took a class at my university on spiders. I learned why and how they do things, which made me feel more comfortable (and maybe a little sympathetic) the next time I encountered one staring up at me from the bathtub. However, the huge hairy spider blocking the stairway of my apartment building was another story entirely.
In short, I think you are incredibly resilient 🙂 Thanks for the post
No, I think you make a great point! It really is all a big learning experience! Thank you:)
Wow, I have been doing the EXACT same thing. I’ve been watching old SVU episodes most days for the past week or two…. it’s like I want Benson to save me and catch my attacker, too. I’m glad I’m not the only one. I think my roommate thought I was trying to torture myself.
Thank you so much for this! You’ve been a great inspiration to me in my ED and SA recovery.
Nope, you are definitely not alone!! (Although I’m so so sorry that you are struggling with this too).
No question I am resilient, thank goodness!
Why? Either genetic or astrological I imagine. Can it be cultivated, maybe.
PS As for some issues from our past. I am a believer in being very wary of perseveration. I have found that initially talking, writing, and so forth about a difficult event in our lives is useful, but after a while that behavior only makes it worse. There is a time to let things rest in peace.
Yes, you’ve mentioned this to me before and I agree. I try not to cultivate the bad feelings but there’s a fine line between dealing with them when they intrude on my life (like now) and bringing them up for self-flagellation purposes (which I have done in the past but hopefully not again).
Never apologize for writing what feels right! (Okay, that’s a weird sentence but true.) I think your being honest about what you’re going through is what makes people keep coming back. And I know it inspires me to take a good long look at my own hidden issues. So thank you.
Thank you for this, Abby:)
This is your blog, and it is your process. And just because others have been through similar situations doesn’t make yours any less valid. While they may seem to be OK, perhaps they, too, are sitting on the couch watching an “SVU” marathon, or calling their therapist at 3 AM, or other things they don’t necessarily share with the outside world.
I remember in a past post you wrote that there are no Olivia Bensons out there. Perhaps by watching, you are getting the kind of treatment you needed and deserved but didn’t receive from the detectives you spoke with.
I keep hoping that the real world will take more of a cue from Olivia.
And you, my dear friend, are the epitome of resiliency!!!!!
xoxoxox
“I remember in a past post you wrote that there are no Olivia Bensons out there. Perhaps by watching, you are getting the kind of treatment you needed and deserved but didn’t receive from the detectives you spoke with.” Yes, I think so. And this makes me kind of sad for the girl I was:(
I found your blog through some links a week or so ago, and while reading older posts realized that you are local to me (I live in first ring mpls suburbs) which somehow makes your blog even more awesome. Thank you for writing about this, while I admit that its hard to read its still nice to know its out there. Some day I will be in a better place to read this rather then skim it. I am currently working through some Stuff myself. I’ve never been physically abused but I come from a history of emotional and verbal abuse that has left me with A LOT of baggage. Like, now that I’m finally in a long term happy we’re going to get married and have kids relationship my brain has decided its time to purge the past. I don’t want to say its good or nice, but it is comforting to hear that I’m not the only one who doesn’t get to choose when to deal with these things. I knew I had a lot of hurt still in me, but I had no idea how much until recently, when I started to look at everyone around me and wonder when they were going to hurt me. When I started to feel hurt by small things that my fiance was doing, things that shouldn’t have hurt me, but did. So, my point is thank you for posting about the things that we can’t always control, and the slightly masochistic things that we sometimes do to help us feel better in the long run.
Oh Shay! I’m so sorry that you are going through some Stuff too but kudos to you for seeing it for what it is and tackling it:) And this: “the things that we can’t always control, and the slightly masochistic things that we sometimes do to help us feel better in the long run.” is so so true. Thank you. (And yay for Minneapolis ‘burbs girls!!)
Resiliency isn’t the ablity to manage a difficult situation better or worse. It’s more about the ability to continue on with your life in a healthy way. Being able to create and maintain healthy social relationships and not pausing your life at the moment of the difficult situations. You ARE resilient. Your family, gym buddies and church community all show just how resilient you are. My background is in child welfare where lots of work is being done to figure out resiliency. How can we foster it in children from difficult situations? Some of the key findings have been the importance of social support, having someone to really talk to, finding ways of managing stress and participating in extra curricular activities. These are all things you are doing.
Yes, you are experiencing a difficult time. That is okay. There may be more difficult times ahead. But you are gaining insight into yourself and how you can best help you. Everyone goes through this process differently. You are strong enough to identify what it happening and seek the help you need.
Thank you for this Patricia! And this understanding: ” Being able to create and maintain healthy social relationships and not pausing your life at the moment of the difficult situations.” 🙂
This is re. the Brain article:
Wait, now exercise is good for our brains? Didn’t you have an post/article a while back about how we lose brain power (aka get a bit stupider) after exercise?
Haha – true. Sort of. While you are in the middle of intense exercise, you score lower on cognitive tests but after you’ve recovered – and more importantly over the long haul – exercise is wonderful for our brains. (Unless you undereat and overexercise but that’s a different issue.)
You are resilient because you keep trying,
in all of your wonderful ways.
Resilience is neither strength nor weakness–
it is the ability to bend in a storm and not break.
Beautiful. Poetic, as usual. Thank you: “Resilience is neither strength nor weakness–
it is the ability to bend in a storm and not break.”
Charlotte, darling.
STOP.
You are comparing yourself to how others deal, but you know what? You have no idea how others are dealing. Chances are, they’re putting on a brave front for the world. THAT is what you are reacting to, that brave face. The same one you put on. Inside, they could very well be in better shape than you. Or worse. Or the same. You have no way of knowing.
Don’t compare yourself to ANYONE except yourself, babe. Are you doing better today than you did last week? Bonus. No? Okay, well, there’s tomorrow.
There’s your resilience, babe. Go all Scarlett O’Hara: “I’ll think about this tomorrow.”
Hang in there and stop beating yourself up. No one — including yourself — can ask you to do any better than your best. Focus on your best at that particular moment. You know fully well how your best is in constant flux, so don’t sweat it. One minute at a time, one day at a time.
You’re awesome. I can say that ’cause I read your blog and I only hang with the awesome people.
I could write a whole comment, but this comment covers exactly how I feel. What is on the outside and on the inside are rarely the same thing.
Thank you Susan for making me think, smile and then laugh all within 10 seconds! I love Scarlett O’Hara. From now on I’m going to invoke her more often! Thank you for the wonderful advice, per your usual, to stop comparing myself. Again;)
Thanks for the the valuable suggestions…keep writing on this topic. Charlotte I hope you keep writing more blogs like this one. Nice work Charlotte.
As someone who was actually told by her psychiatrist that she wasn’t sure how much more resilience I could muster up at a certain point in my life (it was a really, really rough year in just about every way imaginable), all I can say is to keep trudging forward. Some of the things that have helped me the most are journaling (I find it helpful to get that one thought out of my brain so that it no longer has as much power over me) and realizing that all moods/feelings are temporary. I used to cling to times when I felt the slightest shimmer of happiness but the fear of my joy ending completely ruined the initial positive experience and everything then just felt tense and sad. Now when I feel happy I try to remember that it is a moment to be grateful for and remove any expectations that I should be happy for the rest of time (I mean who can do that anyway? Sad stuff happens!). Likewise, when I feel sad/depress/anxious/negative I remind myself that these feelings will not last forever and I will make it out ok because I have before.
Also, I love SVU and totally get why you watch it. It’s always nice to know life could be worse so you can be grateful for what you have. But do remember there is a point where Benson almost gets raped while doing undercover work (because she is amazing and trying to help women in prison who no one believed needed help) and she has a really hard time overcoming it. While she was a diminished version of her usual kick butt self for a while, she was able to bounce back and show the world what justice looks like. Just like our dear Benson, I know you’re going to bounce back and be the coolest, most awesome Charlotte you can be.
You have to do what is right for you Charlotte so screw anyone else! If you need to write about it – write about it! You are one strong lady!
Me, not sure how resilient I am – I think better for some things & not so good for others.
The Rihanna thing – UGH! Honestly, never been a fan & it is her life but all the stuff she did after that & now this – more not a fan.. just me…
Resilience or one’s response to adversity can be measured and improved upon. Many years ago I went through a company sponsored course presented by the folks from PEAK Learning. What I learned has helped me on numerous occasions and perhaps most significantly, it gave me some of the tools to successfully deal with having been laid off 3 times in the past 12 years.
I have not read any of Dr. Stoltz’s more recent writings, but I am a firm believer in responding honestly and optimistically to any/everything. Based on reading your blog, I would think you have a pretty strong and positive response profile, but your challenge likely exists with how you process the more traumatic events in your life.
I’m sure when you look back at your life in another 10 years, you’ll be amazed at the progress. Keep working at it…
Rihanna’s childhood means that she’s going to need to be resilient, because she’s going to keep going back to Chris Brown or his equivalent forever. The only thing that would change it is if the relationship with her father – or his emotional replacement – had a healing AND she was willing to take steps for herself thereafter. That’s unlikely, and she’s got enough money to bury the short-term symptoms, but this long-term one will recur. I predict either a Whitney Houston decline or an Amy Winehouse end for her.
And no, it’s none of my business, but nonetheless painful to watch.
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