Tonight after a marvelously brutal interval class that involved jumping lunges, crouching push-ups and so many skaters that my I’d get an Apollo Ohno tattoo on my butt if it didn’t already hurt so much, a male friend gave me a grin and commented, “You sure are strong. For a girl.” Well, what do you say to that?
Five years ago: “I’m strong, period.” I would have felt insulted and then challenged the guy to a weight-lifting duel. Indeed, one of my very first posts on this blog to ever cause some (minor) controversy was when I bragged I could match a male lifter in my weight class. Allison, the only Gym Buddy I had at the time, and I lifted some very heavy weights with very bad form and declared ourselves the winners. While I still give myself some points for chutzpah, today I cringe remembering that. And not just because at the time I didn’t understand why using a Smith machine was cheating. It’s because I wasn’t proud to be a girl. I didn’t want to be a man either, let’s be clear, but I saw my femininity as a weakness and I hated it when people pointed it out to me.
Three years ago: “Am I?” I would have felt accused and uncertain. I was pregnant, anxious, depressed and unable to keep up with a fraction of my old workouts. In addition, I have never felt more vulnerable in my whole life than during my pregnancies. Pregnancy for me is a scary thing. Not only do I have to protect myself with half my strength but I’m also 100% responsible for the little person growing inside me. And all the others hanging onto my skirt. Pregnancy, one of the experiences that can most define you as a girl, felt like weakness to me in so many ways.
One year ago: “Haha, I’m working on it.” I would have felt embarrassed. Jelly Bean was safely on the outside and thriving, I’d just weaned her and so finally had full custody of my body again, and was settled back into a consistent workout schedule. Unlike previous post-partum periods, this time I knew enough to know how much I didn’t know. I’d been down the lose-the-baby-weight-at-all-costs road before. I’d over exercised. I’d been orthorexic. I wasn’t sure exactly what the right way was to do things but I sure knew what the wrong way was. Plus, being just over 30 with five children made me feel like I’d lost the girl in me forever. Losing oneself may be the ultimate weakness.
So what did I say tonight?
The intervening years have, hopefully, given me a better vantage from which to view myself and reevaluate what exactly are my strengths and my weakness. I can tell you for sure that I no longer see being a girl as a weakness. I may not ever be able to lift as much weight as a man and that’s fine. Their bodies are built for strength but mine is built for efficiency – there is a reason that women typically outlive men. Nor do I still see my pregnancies as weak spots in my life. Indeed, when I remember the can’t-be-overstated excruciating pain of natural childbirth, I see true strength. I can even now see my uncertainty and embarrassment and past mistakes more charitably. I can’t learn if I don’t screw up, right?
But I do have real weaknesses yet. Some are physical: I’ve been around the fitness industry long enough to know that while I may be strong compared to a lady who doesn’t work out, in the realm of fit females I’m not particularly strong. Just like there will always be someone more beautiful, I’ve come to learn that there will always be someone stronger, faster, more flexible. Many more weaknesses are mental: I still fight my competitive nature. Depression and anxiety are held at bay through a fragile combination of medication, exercise, healthy food, supplements and sleep. I’m still bad at balance and moderation.
This is what I have learned: Merely possessing strengths does not make me strong nor does having weaknesses inherently make me weak. I’m as strong or as weak as I practice to be.
And so tonight I answered my friend, “I am. And proud of it.” Whether he meant it as a joke (which I’m 90% sure he did) or as an insult, it doesn’t change my answer. I am strong. I am a girl. And neither has much to do with my muscles.
How do you take “strong… for a girl”? How would you answer this? Has your perception of your gender changed as you’ve gotten older?
If it was a guy I knew, I would take it as a joke and continue joking around.
If it was a random guy, I’d be pissed. Some guy was talking to me at the gym (I think he was trying to flirt). I was on the leg press warming up and when I started adding weight he said, “Careful sweetie, don’t hurt yourself.” He got the look of death and the cold shoulder.
You know what girls don’t like? Being belittled.
It’s a bit of a back-handed complement isn’t it. I’ve noticed that our culture, for all its post-feminist political correctness, still has very anti-women sentiments in areas that used to be the bastions of men and fitness seems to be one of the worst (You throw like a girl, you run like a girl etc – all supposedly insults).
I would have just looked at him and stammered something like “thanks – I think”. I’m not real fast with a comeback in those situations 🙂
I think real strength is in living, getting back up after you’ve been knocked down ; giving to others when you haven’t anything for yourself; caring for others as well as yourself and all that “girl” stuff.
“I think real strength is in living, getting back up after you’ve been knocked down ; giving to others when you haven’t anything for yourself; caring for others as well as yourself and all that “girl” stuff.” – Beautiful! I agree!!
I would probably say, “Thanks, you too.” and see if he interprited it as: You are pretty stong for a girl as well. I am just as strong as my husband in some ways, stronger in others, but that is because he does not lift. He has natural strenght which I cannot compare to, just like he has a layer of natural insulation in the form of bodyhair and I have to wear long johns. Still he does not go around being an ass about it.
Haha – that’s brilliant! I need to keep you on speed dial for snappy comebacks.
These days the guys who might say something like that actually would mean, “You sure are tougher than me,” so I would laugh it off. Years ago, no one would have said that to me because I wasn’t tougher than anyone.
It reminds me of when I was in college and the dean was a very tall woman. I once heard two elderly man conversing while waiting for the elevator. One mentioned the dean and the other one said, “That tall girl?”
I like giving people the benefit of the doubt too – and good point about the subtext!
I would have just said “Thanks” and left it at that.
I’ve never been belittled in the gym by a guy, or had guys come up to me and offer help or advice or whatever. Maybe I have that perma-b**** face, who knows 😛
I think it has a lot to do with where you are. At my current gym, no one ever says anything belittling on the weight floor but at my previous gym there were a lot of “helpful” people.
In that situation, I think I would have smiled and said “Thanks!”. In the past few years I’ve been trying to take compliments as they come, without belittling myself. Making some progress there!
Nobody ever talks to me at the gym. Guess I always look like I’m in my own little world.
When I was younger (during high school and college), I was kind of a tomboy. Even in my late twenties, I didn’t consider myself feminine, refusing to wear anything ‘girly’, like bright colors, skirts, dresses, jewelry, etc. Meeting my husband changed all that. I’m finally starting to feel like a ‘real woman’, and now I even enjoy dressing up. Sometimes.
I used to think that that would sound like I was fat. What I am strong? I’m not skinny enough!
Now I would say thanks and well duh. Of course I’m strong. Woman can lift weights beyond 3 pounds and be strong AND beautiful!
Good point: “I used to think that that would sound like I was fat. What I am strong? I’m not skinny enough!” I think it says a lot about how far I’ve come that that didn’t even occur to me:)
Learn to do pull-ups and nobody adds that qualifier! Last week I was showing off at the gym on the pull-up bar and the guys watching me said “Sh&t, I can’t even do that! You’re the real deal!” which left me basking in a narcissistic glow.
There are a couple of male gym buddies who razz me with the “strong for a girl” line to purposely get a rise out of me; then I have to punch ’em in the arm.
SO true – pull ups stop everybody in their tracks, regardless of who is doing them. I still can’t do one! I have made improved upper body strength another on my long list of new years resolutions….
Px
I can do pull-ups! Ok, so I can only do one from a dead hang but I can do 8 if you don’t make me totally straighten my arms;) I can do 3 chin-ups from a hang… Also, I want to see you doing your thing on the pull-up bar! Post vid!!
I’ve got to find one at a park somewhere. They don’t allow filming at our gym!
At an indoor bouldering wall a couple of years ago, I was waiting for my turn and chatting with a newbie. “Are you good at this?” he asked. “Well, not as good as them,” I said, gesturing at the two very talented and experienced climbers who were setting each other bouldering problems right then. “Well, you have an excuse, you’re a girl!” he said cheerfully.
Well REALLY. This is not an area in which boobs are an automatic disadvantage! In fact, being small means it takes less strength to lift my own weight, and I have little girly hands that can fit around and behind the smallest holds.
In fairness to him, when I said “Oh, you did NOT just say that!” he looked appropriately mortified, so it was probably just an Open Mouth, Insert Foot moment.
Yes, I think girls have quite a few advantages in rock climbing! I love that you set him straight:)
I love climbing. It feels like such a natural, primatey activity. Like our bodies just remember how to grip and hold and pull up and balance. It’s tiring and difficult and often scarey, but it fees right. Does that make sense?
Perfectly:) Also, I love that we have the same name. It looks like I’m having a convo with myself – hahah!
I’m proud to be both!
People say stupid things without realizing they’re saying stupid things. Not to generalize, but women usually read entirely too much into things that other people say, when in actuality, people are simply trying to fill a silence or strike up a casual interaction.
But even if he was a bit lame, I would take it as a compliment all the way. Perhaps that’s because my goal is always to get stronger, something I’ve failed at thus far, so I’m a bit jealous. But regardless of my own issues or his intent, it shows you DO work hard and your efforts are paying off. Go you!
Love this: ” people are simply trying to fill a silence or strike up a casual interaction.” SO true. And I’m def. one of those “over analyzer” types:)
I can actually respond to this 🙂
When I first started to learn how to punch the speed bag, I was practicing when this very old ex-Navy boxer wandered over and said “You punch like a girl!!” HaHa!!
We became friends but I always enjoyed telling him after he told me how good I got at it that I still punch like a girl, just a girl that hits the speed bag really well!
Hahah – I love that story! We did a MMA workout today and I daresay we all punched like girls… that punch really hard;)
I would knock him on his ares! 😉 Have never had that happen to me – although I am pretty unapproachable at the gym! 🙂 It is all about the workout!
Ok, being a part of that insane workout class with you last night, I’m curious which one of the other fellas there made the comment (I think I know, and I think it was a joke, but I’m still curious)…
I was happy we were in the same group last night, because I was using you as my bar on where my effort needed to be and try to go beyond that. Every time I’m in a class with you I know how much effort and strength you put into it, and with all the other craziness going on in your life (blog and published author, super mom, eighty other things I probably don’t know about) and your no-excuses approach, you push me to do more. When we’re at the gym, I don’t see you by gender but by your effort and drive, and that goes with everyone else in the class.
The “…for a girl” comment I think always comes out of insecurity from guys. They see women working out and accomplishing more than they are, and instead of stepping up their own effort to be better, they fall back on the notion that just because we’re men we are automatically the superior athlete. That’ll never change. We could have eight consecutive female presidents, the WNBA could be the #1 rated sport and the WWE would champion would be a woman and that mindset will stay in place. But you’re in a good place because you’ve already gone through it so many times before that you’re able to brush it off for the most part. Sorry we guys are dumb and neanderthal-ish like that, but when it comes to the gym and athletic competition that’s the way it’ll always be.
Ohmygoodness Ted, I love your comment so much! Mostly because I do that with YOU too! When we’re at the end of turbo and I don’t have much left but I see you popping up air jacks through the whole finale, it makes me push harder too. Although that day you, Wilson and Stilley were doing clapping push-ups I had to just let you have that one;) And I’m very complimented (and a little embarrassed, not gonna lie – as much as I workout I’m def not super fit) – last night I was sucking some serious wind. Those skaters and lunges are making my butt HATE me today!
P.S. I’m sure it was a joke too, he’s a funny guy and none of you are neanderthal-ish at all:)
I take it as a huge complement and I constantly find myself saying “don’t worry I am pretty strong for a girl”. I think it is hilarious when in the free weight area guys offer to move the Olympic bar out of my way so I don’t trip over it. There jaws pretty much hit the floor when I say” no thanks, but you can pass me an extra 60 KG so I can dead lift with it” and then pick up more than they can, properly! If some one thinks you are weak physically or mentally than that is there down fall.Don’t take it heart, just have fun showing them that they are wrong.Whilst I have nothing to prove and I am not out to impress I still I do and I love it. Either that or offer them an arm wrestle lol..
Haha – I love you Meg! And I am weirdly terrible at arm wrestling. Truly. There must be some technique or something I’m missing…
I would have taken it as a joke and said something like “thanks tarzan”. I like being strong. It would have made me grin, despite the “guyness” of the comment…
I’ll admit: It made me grin too:)
Oy.
I’m not sure how I would have responded. The older I get the more I realize just how strong women are. Sorry, guys: I don’t care how many Tough Mudders you’ve done, it’ll never compare to 36 hours in labor. Multiple times.
I DO remember one Krav Maga class in which I was paired with a young guy who kept egging me on, telling me I was a wuss & to hit him harder, he was barely feeling it, etc. So I did. And he felt it.
And don’t get me started on how mentally and emotionally strong women have to be, lol!
I don’t think it was an insult at all.
Physiologically, men and women are created very differently with men naturally having more muscle mass and therefore more potential for physical strength.
I don’t see that as women being “less” than a man or even a disadvantage. The way we’re made is for a reason and it’s beautiful.
Agreed!
Honestly I think I would thrilled that someone saw me as a girl! As a woman who’s always been tall and decidedly not petite/delicate/etc I struggle with feeling like I never look feminine enough. I’m trying to learn that femininity doesn’t have to be connected to how you look.
“I’m trying to learn that femininity doesn’t have to be connected to how you look.” – so very true and a lesson I would do well to remember as well!
I think your response was great! I think what irks me about the comment, “You’re strong for a girl” is the fact that they are hinting that they don’t usually think girls are strong.
I would probably still answer “I’m strong, period.” because it IS important for me to be as strong as ‘the guys.’ Not because I hate my femininity, but because I hate to be reliant on anyone, and I feel like strength helps me avoid that. Right or wrong!
I agree with Man Bicep that it’s the implication that you, as a strong female, are an exception that irks me. To be honest, what I would have responded to *most* in that comment if it had been me is: I am not a girl. I am a woman. I earned the right to be called that. And a woman is a force to be reckoned with at all times.
But I’m also impaired at snappy comebacks so probably wouldn’t have said anything to him, just steamed about it for a while and put myself on the other side of the class next time.
Depends totally on the guy and the situation.
But I probably would tell any guy that that phrase comes across as belittling,
whether or not they mean offense.
I’ve had people say this to me. Sometimes I find it insulting but then again…it’s true. My one rep maxes are:
Squat – 225
Deadlift – 240
Bench – 140
And those are significantly lower than most males in my gym. Well let’s be serious…at least the bench since most dudes’ squats aren’t actually full reps. 😉
Anyway, I try to take it as a compliment. When someone says this to me, I try to think that they are probably comparing me to youtube videos of dudes deadlifting 800+ lbs and benching over 500lb so yeah, I’m not strong compared to them. I’m a freakin’ peanut compared to them. BUT I am stronger than a lot of girls, and while there may not be as huge a female weightlifting population as I sometimes wish, there are a lot of girls out there I wouldn’t have been stronger than one or two years ago, ya know? So it’s a good thing. And it’s progress. And I’m not lifting to impress anyone but myself anyway!
“Merely possessing strengths does not make me strong nor does having weaknesses inherently make me weak. I’m as strong or as weak as I practice to be.” Wow, Charlotte… I love this. I’m sorry to say, I’m going to steal it. But I promise to link it to you 🙂
Pingback:Fit Links: Smarter School Lunches and 89 Ways to Live Healthier | The Fit Stop
Wow. Your comments regarding Viewing pregnancy as a time of weakness really ring in my ear. It could be the hormones (34 weeks) or that reading it out loud made me face that I also view my pregnancy as a weakness. I keep adding to my mental lists of things I want to do as soon as the baby is born, things I am ‘missing out on’ while I am still creating this beautiful life, things that should/cannot do at the moment. It’s amazing how we, as women, can take something as miraculous as growing a human being inside of us, and yet still feel inadequate because we can’t clean and jerk a 65lb kettle bell. Thank you for make me think about how strong I really am at this very moment. Thank you for pointing out to me that this period of my life may be when I am indeed at my strongest!
Pingback:Derby City CrossFit | Louisville | Rest Day – Sunday 2/5/12
Pingback:What’s the Best Way to Compliment a Fit Girl? [Or: What NOT to say to a fit girl!] | The Great Fitness Experiment
Pingback:Have you ever been told you hit/run/cry like a girl? [It's time we make "being a girl" not an insult]
Pingback:Motivation Monday - Strength & Sweat LLC.