Dieting has become the great American pastime. Ladies Who Lunch have been replaced by Ladies Who Do Pilates. And it’s nearly impossible to run into another woman and not hear some permutation of “You look great! Have you lost weight?” So I wasn’t surprised to see Dara-Lynn Weiss’ essay in Vogue this month (text not online) about how she put her “obese” 7-year-old daughter Bea on a strict diet. Just when you thought the mother-daughter dynamic couldn’t get more complicated now we have mommy-and-me (or in this case, just “me”) dieting. Weight Watchers, in this case, was the precursor to the age-old mommy-daughter fashion show.
I also wasn’t surprised to see the backlash against the socialite Weiss. While I think she was going for “honest” she came off as entitled, narcissistic and stunningly oblivious to Bea’s plight. After Bea loses 16 pounds – just in time for her Vogue close-up shot! – Weiss writes, “Only time will tell whether my early intervention saved her from a life of preoccupation with her weight, or drove her to it.”
I don’t know that she needs time to tell that actually, as demonstrated by this mother-daughter pep talk:
” “That’s still me,” [Bea] says of her former self. “I’m not a different person just because I lost sixteen pounds.” I protest that indeed she is different. At this moment, that fat girl is a thing of the past. A tear rolls down her beautiful cheek, past the glued-in feather. “Just because it’s in the past,” she says, “doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” “
And yet I appreciated the essay because Weiss is a perfect example of our modern mixed-up relationship with food. What she wrote gets enacted in countless households and we can’t challenge it if nobody talks about. I think this shows that so often parents are every bit as confused, scared and misinformed about health as the kids they are supposed to be teaching.
Here’s my big question: Why did nobody ask little Bea why she was overeating so much in the first place? Barring the rare illness or disorder, 7-year-olds usually overeat for a reason like loneliness, boredom, lack of education or not knowing how to deal with difficult feelings. Considering Weiss writes about how Bea was taunted for her weight at school, I’m guessing she did (and still does probably) need someone to talk to more than she needs someone holding her nose to the dietary grindstone. And why did Bea’s pediatrician simply tell Weiss to “do something” about the girl’s weight when it’s clear most adults don’t know what to do themselves? Lastly, it’s been my experience that kids generally grow out before they grow up. Girls especially are known to put on weight right before a growth spurt. It’s just biology.
However, the question raised by the essay can’t be ignored and is one a lot of parents face. What do you do with a child with eating issues (whether it’s over eating or under eating or anything in between)? I don’t have all the answers but I’m pretty sure it starts with spending more time with them, setting a good example yourself (Weiss writes about denying her daughter a cupcake at the party and then hiding and eating two herself or “letting” Bea have a piece of cake so that she would have permission to eat one too), and letting them know that your love is not conditional upon what they look like or weigh. (No fat shaming! Especially with kids!!)
And probably not writing about it in Vogue. But considering Weiss just got offered a book deal to write about her daughter-diet dilemma, as one NY Mag writer put it: “There’s only one possible bright side to this maternal travesty: Years from now, when Bea is in therapy, she won’t have to waste those early sessions explaining herself because she’ll just be able to hand over that article [and book] and say, “SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH?””
What do you think about this essay? Is this just a case of good intentions gone awry or is Weiss our generation’s Mommy Dearest? Do you have any advice for helping children with eating issues?
My guess is that Weiss has no idea what she is really doing. I am probably projecting here, but my mother still thinks she did nothing to contribute to her daughter’s relationship with food. She was constantly on Weight Watchers (still is – has been for probably 25-30 years?), would only buy diet foods, and constantly talked about what she was eating and what we were eating. In recovering from anorexia, I developed binge eating habits. I was essentially trying to gain weight because I told her I didn’t need therapy, and I ended up gaining a bit too much. I wasn’t actually overweight (130 lbs at 5’4″), but my mom asked if I wanted to join Weight Watchers with her!! Not that long after I had been taken to a shrink for anorexia!!!
All that was a really long way of saying that people like my mother – and I am guessing that Weiss falls into this category as well – have this stuff so embedded in their brains that they aren’t able to objectively assess whether it is right or wrong. Think about the cognitive dissonance that they are coping with! The only way to resolve that is self-justification. So, basically, what I am saying is that I feel bad for her daughter. Even if she doesn’t develop eating issues, it’s quite likely that she’ll have the same mindset as her mother. The cycle continues…
Glad you wrote the article.Food and body awareness- it’s not an easy task educating the masses about how the body actually works as an integrated mechanism. Too much misinformation out there.
That’s why people are far more concerned with the outer appearance rather than understanding the body’s inner processes.
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OK, now I’m going to be brutally honest- how can parents help children with ‘eating disorders’ when they’re the idiots stocking the fridge with the crap -that-made the-poor -kid-fat in the first place!!!!
FAT IS FAT -having too much is bad for health full stop. It’s not a cosmetic issue.
Parents are being very BAD SANTAS because they are ignorant, infantilized human beings who still do what their dumb doctors tell them to do. Like swallow HORSE ESTROGEN after menopause.
While I don’t think Weiss is dealing with this in a particularly smart way, I think there are way too many assumptions being made about this scenario (by people like the NY Mag writer). Bea may never have to be in therapy! In fact, she may grow up to be a healthy, highly functional adult. People in North America, I think, are too quick to judge how other people raise their children. People are expected to be super sensitive about anything and everything to do with food–and yet it’s the country which is facing the biggest obesity epidemic.
I think you’re very correct in saying Weiss demonstrates our modern relationship with food and eating issues.
I was raised with parents who have a poor relationship with food. I’ve battled my weight as well, but I think it’s ridiculous to put blame on them. I’m old enough to research my options, work out and eat right. And this has been successful, whether or not I had obese parents or ones who judged my weight/eating habits. Ultimately, you are in charge of your present self.
Misinformed, well-intentioned, entitled. All of the above. And “holding her nose to the dietary grindstone” of FDA recommendations is only going to mess them both up (carbs raise your blood sugar! Eat more of them – the darker/chunkier the better! How does this make sense?). With that kind of household budget they can focus on food quality much more effectively than I can, for example, which would make more physical and mental difference than fat-free, aspertame-and-additive-filled yogurt. And always remember and never forget:
Don’t reward yourself with food. You’re not a dog.
Kay in India is right about the judginess, but I say that anyone who puts their parenting in a magazine (or book – Tiger Mother, anyone?) as a success story without the child’s co-authorship just threw the door open for criticism.
A Lauren: “Don’t reward yourself with food. You’re not a dog”
The story of my childhood life!
I think it’s more important to teach your kids a proper relationship with food. Childhood with a bit of extra weight is not the end of the world. (I turned out OK in the end!) If I had learned about a more healthy attitude to food as a kid I think it would have happened long ago. I’m not a parent so I don’t feel I can speak for that side of things…but I know you do what you learn form your parents. Taching kids a healthy approach to eating and life seems better than this approach, which while it helped her daughter lose weight, may not have helped her figure out how she was fat in the first place…
My mother, RIP, put me and my two older sisters on diets when we were pre-teens. By the time I was 12, I was going on fasts. I was not overweight, but not surprisingly I later became so– we all did. It took years for me to figure out a way to eat semi-normally. Still working on it.
When my younger sister came along and started putting on weight, Mother had the wisdom to realize her strategies weren’t working. She laid off the policeman role and gave my sister a membership at the Y, where she would swim after school. My sister has had a much less anxious relationship with eating.
Based on personal experience, my advice to parents: do not lecture, moralize, or threaten. Stock the fridge with healthy foods and encourage physical activity.
My mother had been plump as a child and didn’t want her daughters to suffer the way she had. It took me a long time to forgive my mother. Had she lived, I believe she and I could talk about those days with love and understanding.
I have to say I’m so frustrated with our societies disordered relationship with food and all the sad repercussions of our being pigs at the trough!
That said, I’ve seen or heard many stories of many different paths that kids take. Yeah, I’ve seen setting a good example, or putting the fear of fatness into a kid and everything in between
both work or not work. In many ways, it’s a crap shoot!
I am with Sarah on this one. I grew up watching my Mom call herself fat every time she looked in the mirror. We (as a family) were never allowed cookies, sugar, chocolate, candy etc. I remember very clearly the first time she called ME fat. Or the time (after getting extremely ill and depressed in my second year of university and gaining twenty pounds) when after telling her I wanted to start dating, that she told me I’d have to lose weight first, because no one would want to date me if I was fat.
My relationship with food is now 100% screwed-up. And my Mom never did anything nearly as drastic as what Weiss did. Is being overweight unhealthy as a child? Yes. But I really don’t know if there is anyway to TELL a child that they are fat that won’t make them feel horrible, and potentially screw up their relationship with food forever. Don’t talk about weight. Talk about exercise, sports, vegetables. Talk about the positives!
God, the whole thing is horrific. How about teaching your kids intuitive eating or health at every size? I mean, come on. And I feel like no one is even mentioning the ridiculousness of a 7 year old being in Vogue.
My advice is what it’s always been. Model healthy eating habits for your kids, do physical activity with them, and lay off the Weight Watchers/diet talk around them. NEVER comment on their weight (positively or negatively) no matter how young they are and encourage them to be happy just the way they are. My parents did (most of) these things and while I was heavier as a kid I was always in great health and I was happy. Being “the fat kid” never ruined my life. That was the anorexia that came later. And when it did the one and only time my mom ever commented on my weight became so much fuel for it, as did her personal diet obsession.
This book can tie it all together, and point us in a better direction. ‘Folks this ain’t normal’
by Joel Salatin.
For me, as a producer of food, a single, white, childless, 30 something and a long suffering object of my mothers diet trends. I want to make a difference, raise children that can think and do for themselves, produce clean food and share the gospel. Lets not give attention, or buy this sad book when it comes out but lead by example.
The “pep talk” quote nearly broke my heart. My daughter is almost 10 and as someone who has struggled with their weight and eating disorders I have tried SO hard not to pass that onto my daughter. My daughter has asked me several times if I think she is too big, my response is always “your perfect AND your a smart, intelligent girl who gets straight A’s, is a caring person who is a good friend and a wonderful sister, and you rock at soccer, tennis and piano”. Why should she only think of herself in the sense of her weight, that is how problems start.
Add into this that I am concerned about her weight, but I would NEVER say that to her. As a family we have stopped snacking between meals (except for fruits or veggies) and eat healthier. I have tried to better model that an occasional treat is fine, without going overboard (very hard for me!). She also has more chores and responsibilities around the house (trying to keep her busy when not at sports/piano practice) and we have seen a positive difference in her overall self esteem, at home and at school. It’s not just because she lost weight, it’s because she is growing as a WHOLE person.
I don’t have children, so my thoughts on this might be moot, but I think early intervention IS important, but not in a fat-shaming way. Start cooking healthier meals. Start doing physical activity together. I don’t think you should make a point of saying, “We’re doing this because you’re FAT,” but rather just make it the new norm for the family.
Here’s my opinion, and it’s just that, my opinion: this mom has done her daughter a huge disservice. Not only did she handle the situation badly, but she has compounded it by making it public.
When my brother and I were kids, our parents wrote a book about our family. It was a humorous take on marriage and kids, but it also meant that everything was fair game. NOTHING was private. My dad also wrote a bi-weekly column for the local newspaper. It usually focused on news and politics, but also on the family. I grew up feeling watched all the time, because I was. Everything we said and did was odder for the column. My parents were often interviewed on TV, and some of those interviews included my brother and I. It was often fun and exciting, but it was also hugely intrusive. Everyone I knew everything about me. EVERYTHING!
My parents and grandparents also kept a close eye on what I ate, how much I weighed, and how much activity I got. There was always a feeling that I didn’t quite measure up, and I was reflecting badly on them. It wasn’t conscious, but it was there. I learned to sneak and hide food. Not surprisingly, I became bulimic in college and anorexic by grad school. I have been a binge eater, an over-exerciser, and everything in between. I STILL struggle with food and my weight, at 42.
My heart breaks for that little girl. I can give Ms. Weiss her answer: she has set her daughter up for a lifetime of not just weight struggles, but with self-worth, as well.
(Um, FODDER. for the column. Not odder.)
I didn’t read the full article, so I don’t want to judge her based on assumptions. But I don’t think putting your daughter on a diet and then putting it in a magazine is going to help her with her self confidence. It sounds like a recipe for an eating disorder to me!
The best thing to do for parents I think is to work towards a healthy relationship with their body and food, and lead by example.
Ad if your child is gaining weight, as you said, they’re might be a bigger reason behind it.
And stop buying all that junk food! They won’t eat it if it’s not there
Update: The author just nabbed a book deal. It’s actually with the same editor who worked with me on Locker Room Diaries. 🙂
At 7, the weight issue (barring illness and such) should really be taken care of with more playtime and teaching them to make right choices (fruits over candies, 1 cupcake at the birthday party, etc.) instead of putting them on a diet. You are right, these kids get a bit heavier and then they spring up 3 inches over night. The focus needs to be on getting the right nutrition so they do grow rather than making them the “right” weight.
Writing about it in Vogue was a good thing. Maybe someone can step in for this little girl and help her before her mom completely drives her over the edge (if she’s not already there).
You asked the right question that should have been asked before subjecting her daughter to a diet! Give children healthy food and ample opportunity to move their bodies in fun and enjoyable ways—dare I say make it family time–and there probably won’t be any weight problems. Some children naturally put on a few extra pounds before going through a growth spurt. Depriving children of needed, nutritious calories is not doing them a service and probably creating an eating disorder.
I’m so over parents using their children for their 15minutes of fame…shameful!
My eight year old daughter is obese by the weight chart standards, and you can tell by looking at her that she’s overweight. And here I am a fitness guru, lol. I was obese at her age, too, and she’s obese for the very same reason I was: I really enjoy eating and I don’t have a great ‘off switch’ that signals me that I’m full. We talk about it all the time. She’s ok with her weight. She’d rather be thin, but she’s popular at school and she’s healthy and fit and active, and so far no one has ever teased her. She knows that if and when she’s ready to lose weight, I’m there to help her, but I’m not going to pressure her or shame her or love her any differently because of her shape. I make healthy foods available I encourage her to make healthier food choices, and I encourage her to really check in with her body when she wants to eat, or eat a second helping, to decide if she’s actually hungry or just bored, but in the end she makes her own decisions about what she’s going to eat and all I can do is help her make the most informed choices she can. I actually think she’s got a pretty good attitude about it, far healthier than mine was growing up. And she knows how to get the tools to lose it if she ever decides to.
PS: this is a no-junk-food house and we are all very active. She’s not overweight because she eats junk food and plays video games. She can do a handstand pushup! She’s overweight because she eats more (healthy) food than her body needs. Because she enjoys it. Just like me! There’s some unfortunate judginess going on in the comments here.
Same boat here, we are healthy and eat right, except my daughter is not obese, just “at risk” from overeating because even healthy food has calories. Makes it dangerous territory if people find out she wants to actually lose weight to get to a “healthy” BMI for so much eating disorder or “complex” fear. If I wanted to move from at risk to healthy, everyone would support me and ask how I did it. A teen girl has to hide it to save herself from fearful adults and her mother from scorn, which is pathetic. The fact this story garners so much criticism and attention is a reflection on the sad state our society still has with weight, especially in childhood.
Yep, you can’t win in this situation. I’m judged as a bad mother if I let her eat as much as she wants and remain overweight (because obviously there’s an emotional issue there, tsk tsk) and I’m judged as a bad mother if I take steps to help her lose weight (OMG! She’s creating an eating disorder!).
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Ugh, this breaks my heart, and after growing up overweight, my question is why was Bea struggling in the first place. It’s not just about the food, and putting her in WW won’t solve anything. There is obviously some issues happening here. Not to judge, but I’ve been there. I’m a big believer in the whole family coming together and the parents leading by example, and that example does not involve denying your daughter a cupcake and then eating two yourself. Makes me sad.
Oh, brother! FAR too much being read into this without enough real information into the relationship. As a health conscious mother with a slightly overweight teen daughter (who made the amazing discovery that “even too much healthy food will make you fat,”) it is HARD to know how to handle this. I think it’s stupid our culture makes it so hard. She decided she needed to watch her portion sizes and reduce treats, and gets railroaded by other well meaning adults in her life pressuring her to accept the activity or party junk food with the “you don’t need to lose weight, sweetie!” more afraid she’ll develop an eating disorder that they are sabotaging her efforts to learn what eating healthy really means. I feel I am not allowed to even discuss her concerns with her for fear of “giving her a complex.” What I would rather do is be authentic and educate her about the reality of living in our culture and all the complexes it brings on. I openly direct so many health and wellness aspects in her life without fear: when to go to bed, when to wake up, when to study, eat your vegetables, when to do this or that, and not to waste resources like showering too long, overeating, conserving electricity, and personal appearance and hygiene like her friends noticing bad breath or needing to use deodorant, helping her to feel empowered to have control over her body and weight. Why can’t I talk about the IMPORTANT subject of not only the health aspects of weight, but the cultural and cosmetic aspects? She wants to know, yet we feel pressured to keep our discussions and her decisions to ourselves, not because we get blasted that we are trying to teach her healthy habits, but because a teen girl is actively trying to lose weight from an at-risk BMI to a healthy BMI. Unless the child is obese, the entire topic is off limits, especially for girls in early puberty. Even then, we harp on the issue of childhood obesity, but no one is allowed to talk to the actual children about it! Parents who do are vilified like this mother, or worse blamed for keeping junk around the house, when that is often not the case. There are ways to address this in a positive way that build the parent-child relationship, it should be just another thing we teach them, but we are surrounded by such over-inflated criticism that makes it more difficult than it should be.
Great post Emma. I’m inspired to write a blog post about this. Thank you for sharing.
Even worse, I have a younger daughter, 8, who is so thin if she were older I would assume she was anorexic. We waited several years to speak to our oldest daughter regarding weight and portion control, only quietly making healthy options and activity available, until we felt she had firmly entered puberty and not growing much in height anymore because she was such a fit child, and we wanted to see if it would regulate intuitively. Now we cannot discuss it in front of the younger daughter at all. Navigating these waters is treacherous.
I don’t know. I was overweight as a kid, and my mom did nothing about it. Looking back, I kind of can’t believe that she did nothing. Kids at school made fun of me, and I developed an eating disorder anyway (at age 11!). If I ever had kids, I wouldn’t let them get to the point where they’re being made fun of.
My friends (who are twins) are getting their PhDs in Communication at the University of Utah, studying representations of female bodies in popular media. One of them just wrote a blog post about this, and I thought you should read it (and check out their blog, too!): http://www.beautyredefined.net/vogue-mom-shows-us-how-not-to-fight-childhood-obesity/
This info is worth everyone’s attention. When can I find out more?
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