Trigger warning for mild mention of eating disordered behavior. This post talks about part of my recovery process.
I love love love Natalie Dee.
Ever had a “fat and ugly attack”? It’s like being on one of those makeover TV shows where everyone who you thought loved you shows up to tell you that you dress like a 50-year-old Amish hooker. From the 80’s. And then giggles while they go through your stretched out sweat pants and you try not to cry on camera. Except that instead of being attacked by your family and friends (seriously what is up with those shows?) you’re attacked by your own mind.
A pile of discarded clothes on my closet floor: this is where it usually begins for me. No matter what I try on, everything makes me feel fat. Jeans make my thighs look like sausages. Dresses make me look pregnant. And every t-shirt I own hits at exactly the widest part of my hips making me feel like Tweedle Dee. Gah! I’m so fat and ugly!! I wail. And as the day continues I see everything through that lens. Grocery checker doesn’t make small talk? It’s because she thinks I’m hideous. Guy compliments my shoes? It’s because he thinks the rest of me is fug. Friends aren’t as chatty as usual? It’s because they know I’ve gained weight and are too embarrassed to tell me. Kids have a bad day at school? It’s because they have a crazy mom so what else can be expected of them? You see where this is going, I think. It sucks. And it makes everything else suck.
Back when I was deep in my eating disorder(s), I used to have fat and ugly attacks all the time. Every day. I was super skinny and yet every time I went out I was sure everyone was thinking about how huge I was. It’s so weird now looking back at pictures – I honestly can’t believe that girl was ever me because what I looked like on the outside never ever matched how I felt on the inside. But as I’ve continued with my recovery I’ve had fewer and fewer of these attacks. While I’m still not 100% immune (is anyone, ever?) where I am now feels like a gift. So when my sister, who is doing this month’s Great Mindful Eating Experiment with me, posted this on Facebook, my heart broke a little for her:
“Big ol’ fat-and-ugly attack tonight. Geneen Roth says that just calling it out for what it is and naming it is supposed to stop it. Not really. What do you people do when you are tired, frustrated, and disappointed with yourself? Charlotte Hilton Andersen I’m tagging you here because, seriously, what do I do? And also because I’m blaming this can of worms on you! :P”
First I have to say that I love Facebook for always having everyone’s full names on there. Now when I talk to my friends in my head (what – you don’t do that?) I automatically insert their maiden names. I can’t tell you all 50 state capitals – as I discovered helping my 4th grader with his homework recently – but I sure can recite all the married and maiden names of my college roommates from junior year! It reminds me of when we actually had to memorize people’s phone numbers if we wanted to call them without looking at the list taped to the wall. I’m old. ANYHOW.
I’m going to share what I’ve learned about combating a fat and ugly attack and I hope you will help my sister too! Because sometimes the best thing is just knowing that a) you’re not alone and b) you are loved. (I love you more than cheese Laura!!)
Charlotte’s Tips for Combating a Fat and Ugly Attack
1. It’s not about the fat. It’s also not about your clothes, your hair, your zits, your back rolls or any other physical feature you are feeling self conscious about. For me it’s about feeling overwhelmed and helpless and frustrated and sad and having nowhere else to put those feelings except in my too-tight jeans. It’s about having uncomfortable feelings not knowing where to put them. So instead we manifest all our woes onto something we can control: our bodies.
2. It’s a learned skill. I don’t want to speak for her but I’m not sure Geneen Roth meant to make it sound that simple. Naming and recognizing a fat and ugly attack for what it is is a very powerful first step. Sometimes just saying “Oh look I’m having a FU moment (Love that acronym? Thanks Kelly!), let’s figure out what’s really bugging me” is enough to derail that train but getting to this point took work. It was immensely hard at first but it does get easier.
3. Fake it till you make it. Even if saying the right things doesn’t make you feel better right away, we are what we (obsessively) think and eventually you will believe it. Have you ever tried looking yourself in the eyes, in a mirror and saying out loud “I love you. Thank you for all of this, for everything you do for me. You’re beautiful.”? It is way harder than it sounds. I bawled my eyes out the first time I actually got the words out of my mouth. But it sends a very powerful message to yourself that you are not beautiful because of your body or in spite of your body, that you are just simply beautiful. Period.
4. Meditate. It’s cliche but it helps. Even something as simple as sitting down – I’m already on the floor in my closet anyhow, right? – and breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth while you count your breaths will make you feel better. Yes it will! Don’t look at me like that. I swear it helps.
5. It’s worth it. All of this work? This blood, sweat and tears? This rewiring of our brains? It’s worth the effort. Because you are worth the effort.
At this point, I usually get asked “But what if I really am fat/gained weight? Shouldn’t I feel fat about that?” No. Seriously. “Feeling fat” is not the same as being fat or gaining weight. The latter terms, when stripped of all their societal implications, are just clinical terms. But feeling fat, well, that is a slurry of shame and you don’t have to drink it.
Here’s my confession: I’ve recently gained some weight. No I don’t know how much and no I’m not weighing myself again (see there are modern-day miracles) but I can tell because my pants and skirts are all too tight and – TMI alert! – my underwear is cutting into my skin where it didn’t used to. So yeah, I’ve put on some pounds. In the past this would have sent me into full-on diet craziness but this time I’ve tried to be gentler with myself. I know the weight gain is from all the problems with my medications over the past couple of months. As the depression settled back over me, I took comfort in jelly beans. And ice cream. And chocolate. And… anyhow, the point is: I’m okay with it. Life is hard sometimes and I’m doing the best I can to take care of myself and that is something to be proud of. In the past when my jeans got uncomfortably tight I’d force myself to wear them to remind me every time I got pinched when I sat down that I was “too fat.” But last week? I put the jeans that won’t button in the back of my closet and got out the ones with 10% lycra in the next size up. And I didn’t cry about it. And it didn’t ruin my day. Yeah I wish the extra pounds were gone and I’m hoping that once I get the anti-depressant crap figured out my weight will return to its happy place but in the meantime I’m not going to let it send me into a fat-and-ugly shame spiral.
I’m super proud of that.
Do you ever have fat and ugly attacks? How do you combat them? What advice/sympathy do you have for my sis??
P.S. Laura, my sister, ended up posting this later: ” I’m listening to Beyonce’s “Halo” over and over and it is surprsingly soothing. That and contemplating joining up with a real kickboxing gym or going back to grad school.” I love that girl.
Hilarious cartoon warning for cursing and usage of the correct name for the female anatomy. Did I mention it’s hilarious? (The mouse over text said “People like to make fun of burquinis but I think they’re a great idea.”)
Thank you so much for posting this!! I love reading your blog sooooo much! When I’m feeling down it really cheers me up and makes me feel better about my problems! Today was a total fat and ugly day for me, and lately I’ve been dealing with some issues with food and I’ve probably gained weight too since I’ve started binging again. I’m anxious and stressed because I’m beginning counseling next week for the first time because of disordered eating and I haven’t been sure what to do with myself until then, but this calmed me down a lot. I’m familiar with Geneen Roth’s techniques, but I forget to try them when I am having a difficult time. I hope you feel better and hope your sister does too! I’m a twin so I worry about my sister as well. Again, I adore your blog and can’t get enough of it! You’re the one who inspired me to begin my own blog, start Intuitive Eating, and try to get help through counseling!
Thanks! Kylie
Ah thank you Kylie! And your comment really cheered me up! Win, win!! I saw your comment about finally getting to see a counselor and I am SO PROUD of both you and your sis! It’s a huge step (and finding the right counselor can be tricky so make sure you find someone you love) but it’s an important one. Please keep me updated on how it goes!
Thank you
Ugh! I definitely have those days. The first thing I do is resign myself to wearing comfy sweats b/c I’m going to hate anything else I put on. After that I try to make the best of things but preparing nutritious meals, hitting the gym, then giving myself some “me time” with a good book or movie. This does double duty- the exercise, good meals, and rest make me feel like I’m taking care of myself (and putting myself on the road back to my skinny jeans), and they also serve to elevate my mood. Because I generally don’t feel fat b/c I’ve gained weight (although sometimes I gain weight and that’s part of it), I tend to feel fat b/c something else has upset me and it’s easier for me to feel fat (or anxious- that’s also a huge one for me) than it is to process a genuine emotion. (Which I realize, thanks to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.)
Oddly enough, when I’ve actually gained some weight I need to loose, I’m much more likely to feel resolved rather than to feel fat. It’s more of a bad mood thing for me.
This: “After that I try to make the best of things but preparing nutritious meals, hitting the gym, then giving myself some “me time” with a good book or movie. This does double duty- the exercise, good meals, and rest make me feel like I’m taking care of myself (and putting myself on the road back to my skinny jeans), and they also serve to elevate my mood. ” is genius advice. I love it. Not punitive but gentle self care – it’s all in the motivation!
I have these attacks every once in a while and they’re harder to combat than preteen boy pit stains in a white tee, BUT I do. How? I look at how far I’ve come from a year ago. Despite all of the horrible shit I’ve dealt with over the last year, I managed to focus on me without pushing everything else to the side.
What I find tends to help is a reaffirmation journal. Yes, RE affirmation. Get a little pocket journal (I like the moleskin ones) and print out a few inspirational or motivational quotes and glue or tape them to the cover and inside. Every. Single. Day. Write down 3 thinks that you accomplished or decided that made you proud or happy in some way. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Then, when you have these days, open that mofo up and flip through it. These tiny reminders (from reading a new research study, to donating your pocket change to charity, to subbing apples for chocolate, to having a sac race with your neighbor’s kids) all have a tendency to remind you that, regardless of the bullshit cliche, this too shall pass. You are more than your package or your thoughts. Your beauty is who you are, not what others see or what “failures” you believe you’ve had.
It’s important to remind yourself of the overwhelming amount of good in yourself and not focus on your perceived downfalls. You could always be worse off. (Think of a really horrible person you’ve heard of or about recently and remind yourself that at least you’re not them)
LoveLOVElove this: “What I find tends to help is a reaffirmation journal. Yes, RE affirmation.” Thanks for the reminder to get mine out more often. Also, your comment made me laugh out loud with that first line. Reading you is like snorting Pixi Stix:)
Then go outside and beat the CRAP out of a piece of unwanted furniture with a bat, sledge, or ax if you’re really mad. It’s cheap easy therapy and it totally works!
<3
I’ve been having those kind of attacks pretty consistently for the last couple months, and I also decided to fight back by joining a kickboxing gym! Getting to physically beat up things (when it doesn’t involve actual injury or messy clean up later) has been such a great stress relief!
I am so so stuck in an FU moment. Part of the problem is that I am actually fat – at least 20 pounds above my generous, self-accepting highest reasonable weight. Plus, I don’t know if it’s hormones or age or I accidentally defiled an ancient burial ground somewhere, but I can NOT lose weight right now. Can. Not.
I take that back. If I am super-disciplined on all fronts (eating, exercising, drinking water, getting sleep – ha!) then I can lose about a pound a month. At this rate I’ll be at my goal weight by…yeah. Shoot me.
But the truth is that I am fixated on my poor, unfortunate body because I am so, so sad and overwhelmed by life. See, now, I wanted to make a joke out of that, but it’s the truth. I guess that’s the problem with trying to fix your own disordered thinking – if you were thinking straight enough to do that in the first place, you wouldn’t need to fix anything.
Oh Kira – huge hugs! I’m so sorry you are in such a hard place right now. There is so much truth in this : ” I guess that’s the problem with trying to fix your own disordered thinking – if you were thinking straight enough to do that in the first place, you wouldn’t need to fix anything.”
I definitely had a FU day/weekend this past weekend. I went home to see family for Easter. I was off my regular exercise schedule and every gathering seemed to be centered around food. Good food that is rarely seen in my house or in my usual day to day eats.
I reminded myself over and over again that I hadn’t gained 5#s in two days, and I was simply overreacting to how tight my jeans felt or how jiggly my love handles had gotten. How much can your body really change in 2 days?!? Not that much…. I started my Intuitive Eating journey last month and am grasping onto the fact that I feed my body what it wants and what it needs most of the time. I am not back to my regularly scheduled program and feel better already.
Congratulations Charlotte on making such HUGE strides! You have come a long way Baby! (Yah, I’m LDS, quoting a cigarette commercial… weird, I know!) I’m having a fat/ugly day too, but it’s because yesterday was kick-off of the Annual T-Tapp 60 Day Challenge and required full body photos! Yikes!
I have a million excuses, but the reality is, I got lazy. So today is all about LOVING myself. Eating healthy food. Drinking water like a fish. A Basic Workout first thing in the morning. And doing HoeDowns every time I go to the bathroom. (Which, with all this water, is like, A LOT!)
Loving yourself is hard. Worth it, but it’s hard! (And isn’t that the most stupid thing you’ve ever read?)
Good luck with the T-Tapp challenge! And hoe downs every time you pee? I hadn’t heard that one but I like the suggestion. Please say you do it in public bathrooms too? It’s like a dance dare!
Oh yah, I’ve done it in public bathrooms, in the parking lot of a rest area, at the gas station, my favorite is in the bathroom at the restaurant. Such fun!
Charlotte, I’m so proud of you! Look how far you’ve come! Not weighing yourself and being okay with where you are is such an amazing, amazing victory. You’re awesome 🙂
“It’s so weird now looking back at pictures – I honestly can’t believe that girl was ever me because what I looked like on the outside never ever matched how I felt on the inside.” Totally agree. I can see now how frighteningly thin I was but at the time I felt fat, constantly.
And this “For me it’s about feeling overwhelmed and helpless and frustrated and sad and having nowhere else to put those feelings except in my too-tight jeans. It’s about having uncomfortable feelings not knowing where to put them.” is so freaking true. I’ve been struggling a lot recently with the ED and it’s time to be honest with myself about why. It’s okay for me to be anxious about where my life is but it’s not okay to let these overwhelmed feelings translate into I’m fat and for that to be an excuse to eat less.
Great post, thank you.
Sometimes I think you and I share a brain (a crazy disordered but also hilarious one….). This: “It’s okay for me to be anxious about where my life is but it’s not okay to let these overwhelmed feelings translate into I’m fat and for that to be an excuse to eat less.” I am so proud of YOU.
Pretty much any time I’m getting ready to go out for a social occasion. I have a standard wardrobe for work, so I don’t have to think about it too much. But if I’m going out and want to dress up a bit more than usual I generally end up with a pile of clothes on the bed feeling ready to burst into tears. And probably the only one who cares or would think I look fat is me, so I’m making myself miserable for no reason, but I do it almost every time. Have not learned how to stop it yet. -=00000000000kp-9ooooooooooooooooo <——that would be my cat adding his two cents worth; he thinks I should get over it already.
I love your kitty! And I do the same with the trying on of clothes. If you figure out how to stop it, please let me know your trick!
I’m going through this phase where I wish absolutely everything were different. I notice that when I get this way I start looking for new jobs and new ways to decorate the house. I also have an overwhelming desire to move to Washington DC. I actually looked up how to become a wildfire fighter because I want things to drastically change.
Really, I just need to get my crazy in check. My acupuncturist says that in chinese medicine anxiety is a little bird in your heart pecking like mad to get out. Yup. Totally me.
“My acupuncturist says that in chinese medicine anxiety is a little bird in your heart pecking like mad to get out.” Whoa. ME TOO. And I go through those phases of wanting to completely overhaul my entire life too. One of the reasons I’ve moved so much:)
I have gotten so much better. It’s been baby steps, and sometimes there is a little back-sliding, but it is better.
First, when I find myself in the closet trying everything on (my DH used to say he knew how my day was going by how many outfits I tried on, *sigh*) I’ll stop myself and say “For heavens sake just put something on!” (a HUGE improvement).
Second, I will tell myself (not always looking in the mirror) “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.
And third, I will meditate for 3 minutes, and during that 3 minutes I hold OTHERS up in prayer by reciting the Miraculous Medal novena/prayer. I find praying for others forces me to stop focusing on my perceived “flaws”.
I’ve been working on the mindful eating, and it’s really working! I find I am not ‘scarfing’ my meals (a learned behavior growing up in a house of men that is a bugger to change!)
So, long winded, but so far, so good!
Wonderful suggestions, all 3 of them! I’ll have to try the “just stop it” approach to the outfit changing.
What is so great about this post and all the comments is how normal having an FU attack is for so many people. It’s immensely grounding to know that you are not the only one to ever feel this way because it takes all the drama out of the attack. I’ve gained a few pounds over the last few months too. I haven’t weighed myself, just the standard tight wardrobe gage of poundage gained. But because I have been focusing on not labeling myself as fat, ugly, etc… and trying to be kind and curious, I have survived so far. When my life settles down a bit I will rededicate myself to intuitive eating. Until then, I am taking care of myself, getting the exercise I need and want, and eating what I need to eat. For the first time in my eating disordered history, I actually feel healthy and happy, despite gaining a few pounds.
Every single day is a fat and ugly attack for me. I knew post-partum weight loss wouldn’t come easy but I had no idea it would be this hard! Why do I care so much about ten pounds?
I was complaining about my body the other day, specifically that the shirt I was wearing was making me look fatter. My husband’s response was “it’s your eyes that make you look fat”. Even if I get back into my preprenancy jeans, I am sure I”ll still be complaining.
Heather,
I just had my 2nd baby 4 months ago – I know exactly how you feel about that last 10lbs! It seems so daunting. But our bodies created a beautiful little PERSON! That’s definitely worth fighting that last 10lbs. Chin up! 🙂
Jess,
Thanks for the pep talk! Yes, having a beautiful little person is definitley worth a few extra pounds! (Congrats on your baby)!
I love your husband’s response! Mine always says “Don’t you insult my wife!” lol. And I can tot relate to the post-preggo weight loss feelings. I’ve so been there. 5 times. You know you shouldn’t care but it’s so hard not to. For me, I think it was just that EVERYTHING had changed. Nothing, not even my body, was mine anymore and while I couldn’t control for SIDS or sleeping or even spit-up, at least I could try and get some semblance of self back by controlling my body. I wish I could say I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t. But it DOES get easier. And Jess makes a fabulous point: the results are worth all the pain!
Thank you for this post. I am now officially in love with Nathalie Dee, these are too funny!
And you are so right, I usually have a FU attack when I am stressed about other things! What I also hate is when I feel that way and ask my man if I look fat.. He never answers, fearing I will bite his head off, hen all I need is reassurance… Men lol
I’m right there with ya. After I had my son, I lost a ton of weight. In fact I was down 10 from my prebaby weight and loved it! Now i’m starting to inchm my way bck up to to prebaby weight and it’s unnerving. I know it’s the stress of life (work, school and family) but I fell like I should be able to overcome it.
I know life has it’s ups and downs and I’m trying to rationlized it but it’s tough. I’m still learning to love myself. I’m getting there but it’s a slow process.
Hang in there! Hugs from the STL!
This post made me want to cheer wildly for you, friend!
And this:
“But feeling fat, well, that is a slurry of shame and you don’t have to drink it.”
I might have to print that out and put it on every mirror in my house.
Because you are right.
Today,
I choose to not drink that slurry.
Today,
I choose awesome. 🙂
I choose awesome too! I love it! My new motto!
FU moment sounds so zen! 🙂
I had a major FU attack that lasted several days because I shot a “funny” video of myself waving my flabby upperarms, which I then posted on Youtube. Shooting the video WAS funny, but it wasn’t as funny watching it afterwards. I was forced to admit how fat I have become.
I think FU moments are universal, I have had them when I was normal weight. And I believe most women today have slightly eating disordered thinking..
I really hope you get the antidepressant thing sorted out, Charlotte!
Yeah me too. Slowly but surely I’m figuring it out!
I love this perspective! Your so right anouthow both being fat and feeling fat are different. It’s nice to know these feelings don’t come from actualy being fat, or weak, or small (my own attacks) but from other factors.
When ever I feel an attack I go for a walk. Something about the walk is like a brain dump for me and I purge all of the mental mess.
Good point about it being a wide variety of worries that can bring on an FU attack! And I love the walk suggestion. Nature is seriously underrated.
Charlotte, thank you so much for this post! I’ve been feeling especially “fat” lately.. Your confession nearly made me cry. I’m proud of you, too!!
Ah thank you Jess! We’re all in this together:)
Thanks for this. I’ve been having a lot of ‘fat and ugly attacks’ lately and even though I know it’s correlated with other things going on in my life, it’s still nice to have a reminder. 🙂
Raw & honest as always!!! Love it! Also proud of you for understanding what it is all about! Youa re amazing!
Yes, of course I feel like this & too often. Aren’t we always too hard on ourselves!
AND, that last cartoon – OMG – TMI – get old & see what happens down there – I need one of them doctors to help me! 😉
ROFL. I love you Jody!
I know these attacks, although mine tend to sneak up using a different guise – the “I’m so stupid” attacks, but the causes are the same. I tend to deal with these in 3 ways:
1. Thank you journal – I’ve mentioned this before I think, I write Thank you cards to people for different things and copy them into a journal. I also copy in their response (if received). This is then a great read when things are not going well or an attack occurs, or just because.
2. A Gratitude journal – is great for focussing the mind on the positives, either by reading it or writing in it. When writing I always try and and picture the person/situation/thing and really feel the gratitude (if that makes sense).
3. I imagine that the voice and feelings are a ghostly figure (mine looks like a little gargoyle) and I push it away and say “That’s NOT nice, and it’s NOT true” as if speaking to a very naughty child. It sounds so stupid but it really works, maybe putting the “voice” outside of me and giving it a personality helps.
I hope your sister and all the others having these attacks find a way to de-rail them. For me they are a ticket straight into crippling depression if I don’t deal with them quickly.
Great suggestions! I especially like how you broke out the Thank You and Gratitude journals!!
I’ve been having a bunch of those days, as well. (Maybe we should start our own online support group?) I’m so glad you’re able to keep (mot of your) sanity under very difficult circumstances! IE is SOOOO hard at first!
Which is probably why I keep starting over. But i’ll get there!
Losing 110 lbs then gaining 30 and getting addicted to racing has been a wild ride. It has been an amazing dichotomy lately of being thrilled with what my body can do and hell, even placing in some races, which I never did while thinner, and being devistated about how my race pics look. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with a dose of forgiveness and mindfulness. That I’m not a failure. So I’m working on that along with my racing and training.
This: ” It has been an amazing dichotomy lately of being thrilled with what my body can do and hell, even placing in some races, which I never did while thinner, and being devistated about how my race pics look.” is such a poignant sentence! I’m so sorry you are struggling – I always think you look amazing in your race pics! – but I think you are right on with the forgiveness and mindfulness approach:)
Try to tune out the rude people. If someone made a comment that offended you then just ignore it. Other people’s opinion should not matter to you anyway.
Oh the fat and ugly attacks. Yep, definitely get those!
As I’ve been recovering from disordered eating I’ve steadily gained more weight, to the most I’ve ever been in my life. It really sucks to not be able to fit into your old clothes, and that can be enough to bring on a fat & ugly attack.
I generally deal with it by talking it out with my partner Mr. Science. Although it’s nice when he reassures me I’m good looking, it’s more the talking it through, figuring out WHY I’m feeling that way, and what to do to fix it, that REALLY helps. And while I really do need to lose some weight, I’m very happy that my fat and ugly attacks don’t occur quite so often as they used to! I think that’s super important and really indicative of making progress.
Wow, what a great post. I get these attacks all the stinking time. Add in some “failure at life,” and you’ve got me nailed!! Logically, I know I’m none of these things, but… that doesn’t always help in the moment. I am actually attempting to start meditating a bit to see if it helps. Glad to see it on your list 🙂
had a fat and ugly attack … read this… took a shower… sang loud and told myself im the hottest bitch in here over and over again LOL… nice to see other ppl have these days too…thnx
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So here it is I’m older than my husband I recently had a facial injury I have gained weight I’m drinking more than ever and I got a picture today of an event I attended over the weekend and OMGosh I look like a ninety year old . I am not athe 20 year old I used to be but I’m not old by any means . How the hell did this happen? When did I lose sight of me? How did I get back to me? I’m so disgusted with myself I am blessed to have a wonderful husband but how and why does he even want to look at me when I don’t? Aaarggh
I gained a lot of weight despite a strict diet and exercise..I hate myself now ..I cannot look in the mirror..i tried all kinds of remedies..spent hundreds of dollars on cavitaion and massages and still gaining..i feel theres another person enveloping me..im depressed and frustrated..
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Having a horrible FU attack as we speak, and they’re SO hrd to combat, but this whole page has been a life-saver!!!
can’t seem to shake the FU attack whatsoever, feel absolutely disgusting 24/7. Had a read of this and it did cheer me up..also had a right giggle at that bikini cartoon! Thanks 🙂
Happens to me all the time. most especially if I scroll down on facebook! Everyone is looking pretty and sexy while I’m fat, ugly face, untamed eyebrow. Can’t wear bikini because of stretch mark.