“Hey, Charlotte! Are you okay?” My kickboxing instructor yanked me out of a my cardio stupor in the middle of class last Friday.
“Wha…? Yeah. I mean, of course,” I stammered as everyone else turned to stare at me (through the mirror so it was like getting doubly stared at).
“You just look so sad! Or angry!” she continued, into the mic. Ā “Are you sure everything’s alright?”
Why was she asking if I was okay? I checked my bra straps (showing, of course, it’s a sports bra), my panty line (again, showing, because Lycra is horribly unforgiving) and my crotch just in case I’d split a seam and was flaunting my bits (thankfully NOT showing) – but everything was fine, which is to say I looked exactly as I always look.
And that, my friends, is the problem.Ā I have a serious case of b*tch face.
Ever since I was a child I’ve had a permanently grouchy expression on my face. Generous people call me “serious” or “thoughtful” but most people either think I look angry, sad, scared or, heaven help me, snobby. And while I did have one friend who saw this as a plus – “I knew we were going to be besties because the first time I saw you in church you didn’t smile once during the entire 3-hour service! Smiley people make me nervous!” (Side note: Mormons have long services, ’tis true, but two of those hours are free childcare so I’m not complaining!) – most people find it off-putting. But the truth is that regardless of what I’m actually feeling my neutral face is, well, kinda Oscar in his trashcan.
There are two major problems with this, aside from the fact that everyone’s always asking me if I’m okay:
1. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m terrible at hiding negative feelings and so when I am stressed or unhappy or angry everyone knows it whether I want them to or not. But I’m not as good at demonstrating when I’m happy or grateful or joyful. Why is this??
2. Smiling can make you happier and conversely frowning can make you sad. We often think of how it works the opposite way – I’m happy therefore I’m smiling – but research has shown that your facial expressions can influence your feelings. (Try the pencil test if you don’t believe me!)
I like being happy! So, how do I fix this? First I did what any socially awkward computer-addicted nerd would do: I googled “genuine smile” and practiced copying it in the mirror. No seriously, I did. In case you didn’t know either a genuine smile is one that makes your eyes crinkle and your cheeks lift. Fake smiles only move your mouth. Turns out I fake smile a lot. Oops. Then I talked to some of my friends who manage to look happy even if they’re not smiling. That was a little harder to copy as they seem to have a general lightness of being that I simply don’t possess. Can this be learned or is it just my personality? I’m honestly not sure. After that I got caught up reading links about all the side effects of the Mirena IUD (which I have for birth control) and wondering if it is partially responsible for my increased crazy as of late which is another post entirely and one I’ll probably write once I figure out what’s going on and therefore got completely distracted from my original mission.
Now I’m left with this: Every time I think about it, I smile. A genuine eye-crinkly smile. And to make sure it’s legit I make sure I’m thinking about something that makes me happy. My kids are frequent inspirations (when they’re not sitting on each other and farting – their new fave game) as is remembering when my husband and I first met. Saturday Night Live and XKCD often make frequent appearances. Although I glanced at my reflection a few minutes ago and it turns out my genuine smile might just look genuinely nuts.
Is it working? Not yet. Someone just asked me earlier today if I was okay. Sigh. (Sidenote: I haaaate it when people command me to “Smile!”, especially strangers. Doing this will not only not get me to smile but you will have to dodge all the eye-daggers I shoot your way. Don’t tell me how to feel.)
What’s your natural expression like? Anyone else have a permanently serious pout too? Is this something I should try and change or should I just embrace it? Sometimes I feel like I need a shirt that says “I swear I’m not silently judging you!” (Unless you pick your wedgies from the front. In public. And then, yes, I am judging you a little.)
*Because if that worked, I’d be golden. And world peace could be achieved by flying side crow.
Me. Too. All of the above. I think there’s even a Dear Prudence column about it, because I recall commenting on it and mentioning that Miss Manners had some good advice regarding being commanded to smile. Naturally, I can’t remember what it is though. But I’ve got a headstart on her “freezing stare”. Thanks so much for posting the B-face thing–that’s how I feel inside too. Everything can be all happy and sunshine and daisies and puppies in my head but I still look dour. I tried going around with a half-smile on my face but this A) makes me look lobotomized and B) I got called “Smiley”. Ick. You can’t win.
Oh YES, me too! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have thick dark eyebrows that arch inwards, plus my mouth also naturally turns down at the corners if it’s in a relaxed, neutral position. So unless I’m smiling I look pretty severe.
I don’t have much of a problem with strangers, but my partner… even though we’ve been together for almost ten years and I’ve told him many times, he’ll still ask “what’s wrong?” or “why do you look so gloomy?” or countless variations, when I’m not thinking of anything in particular, or even pleasant things.
I’ve actually started plucking my eyebrows to try to make them wider apart and less arched towards my nose, so I look less like I’m frowning. Not much I can do with my mouth, though. (Well, yes, smile… but can’t keep that on permanently!)
Yes, I think eyebrow plucking helps. I think I still look grumpy but not quite as scary/unapproachable when I go for the light airy brows vs. the neanderthal look (I’m paleo, but I don’t think I need to take it that far). š
Oh, the one other thing I do is keep my jaw relaxed so my lips look plumper. I trained myself to do this. Otherwise my lips look like they are pressed into a thin, disapproving line. Practice relaxing your jaw only slightly because otherwise you look like you are about to start drooling!
Haha, yes, the drooling look would be even worse!
Yes, it’s something I’m reminded of frequently if I’m appearing in court- judges really don’t appreciate my “wtf?” face when they ask crazy questions. I work hard to keep it in check in court and at work, but generally, my face is a transparent door to what I’m thinking. I think my friends like it, and they frequently find it entertaining.
I’ve been told that my usual expression exudes a smug and cold personality, which is so not true- it’s just that I’m pretty introverted and it’s the easiest way to avoid having strangers engage me in conversation (it fails, people still love to ask me for directions, and a variety of questions, I guess I just have one of those faces).
Oh, and people telling me to smile also irritates me to no end. But really, I probably should smile more š
Well you sure have a beautiful expression in your photos! So you are not too far gone, lol!!
My face reveals all, no poker face for this girl!! I’ve noticed that as people age too they tend to look more frown-y and purse their lips more so I do make an effort to try to do the opposite! I think we can carry tension in our faces and so it’s important to keep one’s face relaxed. When I run, I don’t want to waste one tiny bit of energy so that is a time I really work on that!
You will never hear me tell someone to “smile” nor will I tell someone “not to feel that way”. Makes my skin crawl to hear those two things!
Hmm, don’t know if I agree with this, Charlotte. In the photo’s you post here, you seem more like a happy-happy-joy-joy person. (Now that I think back on that Ren & Stimpy episode, though, perhaps that’s not the best example.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9R09GVzTCA&feature=related
I definitely look happy most of the time. That’s what people at work tell me.
Ah! Samesies! I’m a super silly, quirky person but my neutral face looks pissed. When people walk up to me in the middle of work they often ask what’s wrong because I look upset/pissed.
Time when my bitchface benefits me: at the bar. I’m engaged and even before I was engaged I usually only went out to hang out with my girls. My bitchy look helps to keep would-be suitors far away. No guy wants to buy a drink for the girl that looks like she might throw said drink on him.
I think I’ve seen that face before, maybe in the mirror, lol!
I was fighting in a karate tournament and I saw the look of fear on my opponent’s face. Maybe I had that look then too, š
I once saw a very old man being helped down the hallway by two nurses, and he had the nicest smile on his face. There’s a hero for us!
I have more of a “I’m going to cut you” face.
And by “a” I, of course, mean “an.”
Unfortunately I have a been told i have a “cute and cuddly” face. This is just as annoying because I get people walking up and telling me their life story or about their day or now that i’m pregnant asking everything about my entire pregnancy?!?! I do have a teacher’s death look… growing up with teachers gave me that ability to turn on and off but I try to reserve that for people who feel the need to pet me…i’m a computer nerd and just a weeee bit antisocial so people petting the baby belly is crossing the line.
I am a smiler. It comes from being a shy, introvert type; I’m not at all good at small talk, so I tend to just smile – someone once called me ‘the smiling lady’. That said, I have often been accused of being a snob. Because I am not good at general chit chat, and because I am a quiet and reserved person in general, I often keep to myself and people interpret this as snobbery.
I’ve been told that I could learn the art of small talk if I tried. But when you add the fact that I now have diminished hearing to my natural reservedness, it just seems like too much effort. That probably makes me sound very unfriendly doesn’t it? š
Interesting — I’m quiet, but have the grouchy face. Also have been called a snob. Lesson learned: people are grouchy about quiet people. My marriage therapist said it this way: “People interpret silence out of their own insecurities.” Truth.
How weird is it that I don’t know the answer to this question? If there’s a camera around I smile for it, and I probably unconsciously compose my face for the mirror–if not in a big smile, at least something that might be less frowny than what I walk around with. Will have to ask the Lobster, who knows well enough to lie and tell me I always look quite cheerful no matter what the reality is.
Love your idea of finding reasons to smile! But I hope you’re doing it for YOU because people who comment/judge the expressions of other people aren’t worth worrying about. But you’re right, it is fun to just start grinning for the hell of it sometimes, really does lift the mood.
I always look cranky or serious too! I’ll be in the store and some old guy will say to me “Don’t look so serious!” It’s quite annoying.
I am either grinning like an idiot or off in my own world and completely detatched. I’ve been told by my husband that I frown a lot when I’m thinking/writing my thesis…it him that’s Mr. Serious face all the time. Me? I’m annoyingly chipper…one of *those* people.
Me too! I definitely get the smile command in public. It drives me nuts! But I think I’ll try and work on this too. I always wanted to be that kid in class who the teachers said “always has a smile on.” My face just naturally doesn’t fall that way. I have to wonder if it’s related to personality type.
I definitely have a bit of a “frown” as my natural lip posture. I have thin-ish lips, so it may seem like I am pursing them a lot. I have had people tell me all of my life “you are too pretty to wear a frown like that!”. Great….. thanks for the help stranger!
I am a very friendly person, but not bubbly or leaking happiness from my pores. I am just being me!
My neutral seems to be just blank. I also discovered one day that when I think my face is being expressive, I’m actually barely moving. (I actually stood in front of the mirror one day and made faces. I learned that what I thought was my Obviously Sad Face was actually my brow furrowing maybe a fraction of an inch.) I’ve been trying to be better about that.
I love this line… “Smiling can make you happier and conversely frowning can make you sad.” That is the reason why I want to feel happy always, frowning makes me feel old!
I definitively look serious and lost in my thoughts. Or sad and angry when I’m just tired.. Which leads people to think I’m not having a good time or something when really I am just fine thank you very much..
My natural expression definitely makes people think I’m angry/frowning. Usually I’m not, I’m totally neutral.
I am another one of those who has a naturally severe face when not smiling. I also don’t help it by actively frowning when I am concentrating/thinking hard/focussed. These days that is mostly just when I am working or tackling a problem, but when I was in school I would carry all my stress and tension in my jaw and would clench so hard that by the time finals came around my teeth wouldn’t close together properly! I had to eat soup and soft foods for a week and as a coping mechanism I learned to stick the tip of my tongue through my teeth (usually behind my lips but not always, you can imagine the looks I get if I forget to hide it!) so that if I started to clench unconsciously I would bite my tongue and alert myself. I do find that it is harder to frown while I’m doing this though.
I still frown when I work, however…once a little girl asked me if I was angry because I was wearing a mad face. I tried to explain that it is actually my GAME face, but she was too young to understand the distinction. It made me more conscious of my expressions though – I try to think of funny things when I work to avoid scaring people. And premature wrinkles. š
And yes I hate it too when people tell me to Smile on command, but conversely at times I look at strangers or people I know and have to resist the urge to say it to them, how weird is that?? My solution is that if it is someone I know, I instead say..”You look down, are you feeling sad?”, instead of just assuming what they are feeling and often people just say they were lost in thought, and if they are sad I ask them if they would like to talk about it. For people I don’t know well, or strangers standing behind me in the grocery line or with me at the bus stop etc, instead of saying “Smile!” I try to think of something to say that might just make them have an actual smile, like give a genuine compliment or start a little convo on something pleasant.
I’ve been told that my neutral face scares people away from me. I look like i’m pissed off… but i’ve also been told that my smile is worth waiting for, that it compensates for my neutral face. =)
When I was younger, my mom always told me never to smile so big so that wrinkles would appear around my eyes and on my face. She said that I should always wear a mona-lisa smile. And that would give me eternal youth. After being told enough times until it sticks, i blame her for my constant neutral face.
I’m 25 now, and EVERYONE thinks i’m 15. Thanks mom.
People always ask me if I am mad at my computer. If I’m at work, I most likely am. Also, my tv watching face is one of complete concern. I should try smiling more.
hmmm I think Im in between by nature? people dont command me to grin but I also dont think I…actually wait I may amble around with a semismile I just like to think I dont look like a crazy person.
That I do it sans-crazy eye.
We had a long talk this weekend about smiling with our eyes. who knew my child could already discern the ‘polite Im not really happy or finding you funny’ smile from the real one?
I totally have been told my whole life that my face looks grumpy. When I was a kid it was “wow, what sad eyes you have” which progressed into “you look so stoic” and then there’s the constant “you look so serious”. Oh yes, I totally get the perma pout.
I have the same problem. People are constantly asking me if everything’s okay or telling me to smile. I’ve stopped trying to convince them that I’m not mad or sad.
I can relate on this. I enjoyed reading this post. I am always smiling so this is not a real problem on me.
I have always been told I have a scary/mean/bitchy expression…though usually people admit it while flinching. Ha. But seriously, this was a major problem for me when I was younger. I was really unapproachable, and it didn’t help that I actually was a misanthrope. I ended up “faking it until making it” so to speak, doing something not unlike practicing in the mirror. I just smiled more. I started dating someone who made me laugh a lot – that helped. And when I was walking down the street, I tried to check in every now and then and aim for a neutral expression, whereas before I would just be scowling, I guess. Well, it did work and although I still have a grumpy face on when I am deep in thought or concentrating (which these days is a large chunk of my day), I no longer get comments about how mean I look. I’ve even had some shocked reactions when I’ve told people that I used to look like I hate everything. Progress!
Are we the same person??????? I relate to this SO MUCH. I went to Catholic school starting in kidnergarten. And not ALL Catholic schools consider themselves to be such Serious Business but at mine, to smile was to ask for a spanking. (Literally.) So I don’t smile just for funsies; smiling is actually somewhat unnatural for me unless I really, truly am happy. And it drives me effing NUTS that people, especially MEN, seem to think that because I’m a woman I should be smiling. I’m not a smiley person and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing!!
š I can so relate! Since I have a natural frown line/furrow between my eyes, people always think I am mad or sad or a bitch or something else when it is just the way my face is.. unless I win the lotto & can get botox or get it pulled back! š I also am shyer than people think so if I am being shy, they think I am a snob too… I best start practicing although in the gym, I don’t care cause I want to be left alone! š
Story of my life. Really. Ever since I was a child (a very intense child dealing with a lot of stuff kids shouldn’t have to deal with), I have had a naturally intense, serious default facial expression. This remained the case throughout high school and college, and it only got worse when I started working in a very masculinist field where I was either the only woman on a job or one of two or three, surrounded by men. The only way I could get them to take me seriously was being extra intense, serious, and all business. It worked, and people who got to know me also got to see my real personality. Now I’m in law school, and ‘the face’ is my way of letting people know that I don’t want them to talk to me, I don’t want to ‘network’ with them (they’re all greedy, selfish jags), and I am a threat to them on the curve.
I used to get told ALL the time at work, “smile!!” and of course, I hated it and still do. My response when it got really bad was something along the lines of “I’m not here for your entertainment.” Or “you don’t like my face? THIS IS HOW MANY F$%^S I give.” With a big zero sign. Classy? You know it. Effective? Always. It’s also the way I let men know that I don’t want them to talk to me, comment on what I’m wearing, or anything else they might think is clever or appropriate. It affords me lots of peace and quiet and allows me to be myself around those I know I can trust.
When someone asks if you are okay, you need to start laughing maniacally. That way, people will stop asking. They will also begin to think you are plotting world domination and be really nice to get on your good side.
I am one of those people who constantly laughs. It creeps some people out, but it also makes everything more fun. Often from the looks those people have on their faces.
An FYI for you Charlotte. My best friend had the Mirena IUD put in and it brought on major panic and anxiety attacks. It got so bad she was put on medication. The attacks were still pretty regular even with medication, so she had her doctor remove the IUD, and within 2-3 months, was back to feeling fine. She researched the Mirena IUD and those feeling (and I believe depression) are all possible side effects. I think she is going to try the NuvaRing now (which I personally LOVE LOVE LOVE).
Totally with you — and like Sabrina, I think I’m a total goof ball. But especially if I am deep in thought or just… am, I evidently appear to be angry. And then if someone tells me to “SMILE!! It improves your face value!” Oh, yeah — you’re going to get hurt! Now that I have teenagers, they call me on it WAY too often: “What’s WRONG with you???? Who are you MAD at???” Ugh. I like the thought of practicing thinking happy thoughts! š
Oh, Charlotte. You make me laugh. I am going to need to get my hands on a copy of your book. I can’t tell you how many times I chuckled in reading this. I even had to take a bathroom break. You crack me up.
I have b*tchface. I’m guessing I developed it about a quarter century ago,when the stress really started kicking in with my disabled son. I have to very consciously relax my forehead. I have to check to make sure my brows aren’t furrowed. It’s a rough go sometimes. It’s a habit I’m struggling to break, because I know that it works both ways: My outside can mirror my inside, or my inside can mirror my outside.
This is totally what’s happening to me. As far back as I can remember I have never been a smiley person. I’m 21 now and I just recently started learning how to smile even for pictures.
My mum always tells me I have to be more receptive and recently a friend of mine said I needed to work on my social smile. Which is why I googled how to stop frowning and stumbed across your post. I am going to practice a neutral face in the mirror. Maybe this might make me more “receptive” of people. Lol!
This is totally what’s happening to me. As far back as I can remember I have never been a smiley person. I’m 21 now and I just recently started learning how to smile even for pictures.
My mum always tells me I have to be more receptive and recently a friend of mine said I needed to work on my social smile. Which is why I googled how to stop frowning and stumbled across your post. I am going to practice a neutral face in the mirror. Maybe this might make me more “receptive” to people. Lol!
“Grumpy Cat” here. Even considered facelift. Any suggestions on medical help, like juviderm injections? I just want to exude my incredibly mischeivous, happy, face that exists inside and put it on the outside.
I just got pulled aside by a middle manager who asked me if I was “happy enough here”. What?! He said his boss has told him several times that I always have a scowl on my face when he sees me in the hallway. He also said I need to “put forth more effort in that area”. Damn this furrowed brow!
My daughter was born with it, too. When she was a baby people would hold her and say, “Why is she mad at me?” That’s just her normal face! I guess we all have our little afflictions to live with…