“Girrrrl! Do you play hockey?!” My friend was a bit taken aback by the question from the bouncer outside the club she was heading into. “What? No. Why do ask that?” Checking out her short shorts, he answered, “Look at those muscles! You’ve got hockey player legs!” While I’m pretty sure he meant it as a compliment (who doesn’t love hockey?), my very fit friend was not complimented. And I don’t know many girls that would take that one very well, frankly. But if you can’t compare a girl to your favorite pro sports team then what can you say to compliment a fit girl on her hard-earned physique?
Unfortunately, as NCAA women’s basketball phenom Brittney Griner discovered, sometimes it’s easier to define what not to say to fit girl. A few weeks ago a coach on opposing team Notre Dame made headlines by saying that Griner “played like a man with women.” Clearly he is proud of his star player and meant it as a compliment. I’m guessing he was trying to say that Griner played basketball well enough to take on a male pro ‘baller. Which kinda makes it sound like he thinks the rest of the female players aren’t as good as the men. Or maybe that she has the mentality of a dude. Which kind of makes me wonder if he thinks women’s brains are too tiny to appreciate real basketball? You can see how quickly this became convoluted. It didn’t help that the 6’8″ Griner is known for not wearing makeup and has a rather low voice which inspired a host of “fans” to up the ante. On Twitter so many people called her a dude or asked to see her d*ck that she got her own manly hashtag. Obviously that’s not complimentary anymore.
Okay, whoa, full stop. Her coach meant it as a nice thing! Why do people gotta go reading all this other crap into it? Because, it turns out, calling a girl any permutation of “manly” is really not very nice. On the flip side, I don’t know any men who love being called “girly” either — and even my gay friends who call each other “girrrrl!” all the time still do not like to be compared to an actual woman.
So if calling women “manly” is out, what can you say? Well, calling us super girly things like “cute” and even “pretty” in the wrong context can end up going very badly as well. Is pretty a compliment? In an effort to clarify things (or muddy the water, whatev), here are just a few of the many comments I’ve gotten about my body and how I felt about them:
“Hey you look like you workout!” (Good)
“Check you out: a pull-up on the monkey bars!” (Even better!)
“That’s a pretty decent squat!” (Pretty decent? Okay?)
“Do you compete?” (Eh, pretty flattered)
“So are you in the heavy weight class?” (Whoa! Crash and burn!)
“Are you a lady Marine?” (Cute and even more so because it came from a sweet little old man)
“In my day ladies didn’t exercise like you girls now do. It was unseemly.” (Maybe he’s not so sweet)
“You sure are strong. For a girl.” (EGADS)
“I’ve never seen a girl sweat as much as you do!” (I have no answer for this one)
“Love those guns!” (Holla!)
“You have athletic thighs.” (Translation: Pants will never fit you. Sigh.)
“You have the perfect body.” (Such a crapstorm erupted from this one! Because I was drastically underweight at the time it sent me to ED hell faster than you can say trigger.)
“For someone who works out as much as you do, you should have the perfect body by now.” (By far the most irritating thing someone has ever said to me.)
As you can see, there’s a fine line between nice and nasty and it’s even trickier because the line can be different for every girl. Some girls love being asked if they are bodybuilders; many others will freak the heck out and drop all weight lifting hoping for atrophy. Some girls adore being told they are pretty; others feel patronized. Some girls even love being compared to men! And none of these reactions are necessarily wrong.
For me, one of my fave compliments I’ve gotten was “No way you popped out 5 babies! You look too young to even have 1! It must be all that exercise you do.” (Does it still count if it was from a woman trying to sell me a very expensive blender at Costco??) I also appreciate anything along the lines of “You work really hard and I’m impressed with how far you’ve come!”
Help me out: What’s the best compliment you can give a fit girl? What’s the least complimentary thing someone’s said to you? What do you think about Brittney Griner’s coach’s compliment??
My dad once called me husky. I think he meant “strong” .. husky does not mean strong.
As a kid, I wore size husky! My mom had me fooled 🙂
I can top that – my EX-BOYFRIEND called me husky. While we were dating. It should have been a sign, but sadly we continued to date for months.
I have seen you in pictures. I cannot imagine that you are husky in any way .. I think your ex-boyfriend needs a dictionary!
My cousin called me one boyish because of the way I dress my self…help but he was wrong when I already became a big girl now.
“Playing like a man” is not necessary to say, it implies that is the standard to which we should aspire. Then to continue on and insult this poor player is just ridiculous. These people need to stop and ask themselves, do they really want a world where everyone is JUST like them? As much as these jerks probably love themselves, even they should see the benefit to lots of different peeps in the world.
I don’t really get many comments about my physique, aside from my arms and shoulders on occasion. While I have good definition, I don’t carry a lot of muscle mass as a triathlete. I get more pertaining to my age saying I look younger than 45. I’m good with that 😉
I have however complimented many women and some men on their beautiful bodies as the product of consistent hard work. I usually just leave it at that – works of individual art.
Works of individual art! I love that!!
you are so pretty I would like to talk to you
How weird is this! I was thinking that maybe this article would help me to work out how to compliment Cort from Tri-Crowd without sounding like an internet wronger, and here you are posting.
I wanted to say that I found your last couple of race photos really inspiring. They’re a reminder for me to get off my butt when I’m tempted to skip strength-training, because I would love to look as ‘fierce’ as you. (I’m from England – did I use ‘fierce’ right?).
Does that work as a compliment to a fit chick?
Haha, this is great, yes, you definitely looked “fierce” correctly! It’s so nice we have an exchange of terms across the pond, I am often picking up new terms from my favorite UK author Andy Holgate. “Knackered” is still tops for me.
Consistency in strength training is key and GOOD for you doing it to begin with! I’m down to 2 days a week of it during race season now but have been consistent for 4 years. If you look back at my blog (www.CortTheSport.com), in the early days I was 25 lbs heavier, but over time the whole body composition shifted to meet the demands. I attribute so much to consistency!!
Keep it up! And thanks for the fit chick compliment!!
You’ve got to love Andy Holgate – his book was a cracking read. I hear he’s doing the Lanzarote tri next – must have overcome his aversion to the heat!
I’ve only recently discovered the fitness/feminist community and it’s really refreshing to have healthy people as inspiration, as opposed to skinny celebs who have early onset osteoporosis care of their terrible diets. One of the things I’ve noticed since I started running was that I care a whole lot less about what my body looks like, and a whole lot more about what it can do, so complimenting a ‘fit girl’ for me is about complimenting her athleticism and healthfulness (and, like other posters on here, wanting to know more about her workout regime!).
Funny we are having a whole conversation here…but YES Andy Holgate. I am a HUGE fan of his!!
You expressed beautifully what I have also experienced – “I care a whole lot less about what my body looks like, and a whole lot more about what it can do.” THAT is where freedom lies. I love that!!! Good for you, and you appear to have discovered it at a far younger age than me. That is part of my message too — enjoy USING the body and beauty and self acceptance will follow! Bravo!!! Now you need to start a blog –or do you have one?
For some reason I can only reply to myself…
I don’t know about discovering it young (I’m 35), but wish I’d worked it out sooner. No blog, at least not yet, but maybe that’s a goal for the future 🙂
I love you two!! And I agree, Court is an amazing inspiration! And I also agree that Jane said it beautifully!
This guy at my gym told me “You should play tennis, you have a nice body.” What the hell, since when did having a nice body become a prerequisite for playing a sport?
I’m not blind, I know how I look. I appreciate general comments on my level of fitness, but do not comment on my body. That’s the one sure way for a guy to get on my shitlist.
Wha…? That doesn’t even make sense! Is he saying that tennis – and ergo you – are just eye candy?
I love that YOU LOVE the 5 babies compliment.
it’s true.
you amazing.
Right back atcha! I never ceased to be amazed by you!
I’m probably not the best person to ask; when I see a woman in the gym with amazing muscles, I ask if I can touch them, even if it’s the glutes.
Ok this literally made me spit my smoothie out. Seriously I’m wiping droplets off my hand now. I LOOOOVVVEEE YOU!
I was once told that I looked fit – I liked that.
I also completely shocked my financial adviser when I told her I was 10 years older than she thought. On the one hand, I know it was not just flattery by her reaction, and I certainly don’t mind hearing that I still look young. On the other hand, she was visibly upset for some reason, and I felt kind of bad about that. I’m not really sure why it mattered so much to her, but it was obviously a big deal. It was a little strange.
I had a man at the gym yesterday exclaim “Hey! You’re pumping some serious iron there. Especially for a girl!” And I wasn’t at all offended. I thought his tone was sincere and his intentions were genuine – and I was flattered by the compliment. (I get more offended by the guys in the weight room who act like I’ve got no business being there.)
My husband’s friend recently asked me if my husband wanted me to look like a man (after talking about lifting weights). I was offended and my husband was mostly confused.
I think you make a good point – intention is everything! And I hope your husband put his friend in his place. Sheesh.
A guy once told me that, “You have the most muscular legs I have ever seen on a woman.” Legs are a really sensitive area for me, so I did not take it well. I told him he needed to work on his pick-up lines.
Just recently, I was lifting heavy and a guy asked me what sport I did, because, “You look like an athlete.” At 44, that made me feel pretty darn good.
Yeah, I hear you there. My legs are my sensitive spot too. Okay that sounded dirty. You know what I mean! Love the “athlete” commen!
When I first started to learn how to punch a speed bag, and old ex-navy boxer saw me practicing and said, “You punch like a girl!” lol!
I eventually got much better, but I always reminded him of what he said, and that I still punch like a girl, just a girl who can punch really well!
I usually say, if I say anything, “Looking strong!”
Check out Ronda Rousey sometime if you want to see the best female fighter out there!
Love your retort!
Umm…hockey legs? Yikes.
Also, I love the Flight of the Conchords quote. Made me smile this morning.
That’s what I’m here for;)
About a month ago I was out dog walking in shorts and a guy yelled from his car…”I bet you’re a jogger (he was on the older side–I prefer “runner” haha) cause your legs sure look like it.” I took it as a compliment. I hear “nice legs” from time to time (from men and women) and I like that.
How about: “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you share with me your workout regimen?” Or how about: “Yikes! Somebody contact the zoo, cuz the pythons are out!”
Absolutely. Yes. I will accept either of those options. With a ticket to the gun show.
You ought to be very careful what you say even when complimenting. She might take it the wrong way
My uncle once asked me “Jenny, have you been severely ill lately? Undergone any diseases or illnesses? Because you seem to have lost a fair amount of weight!” He didn’t actually think I looked sickly (which I didn’t – I wasn’t underweight or anything), he’s just really awkward with joking compliments. I wasn’t offended, but the whole family did make fun of him.
The other day a slow old guy on a beater bike said to me, on my beater Bianchi. “Wow, you go pretty fast on that old thing. A little slow out of the gate but…” Uh, thanks. I ride 20 mph in traffic.
Best compliment: “Hoooooweeeee! Looooord Jesus!” I’ll take it.
Hahah! Love it!!
This is such a tough one! What makes it tougher is someone might find something highly offensive, and another woman might take it as a compliment. So you really have no idea. Best motto: just don’t comment on another person’s body, ever. You can compliment her for something she’s accomplished (e.g., wow, you’re great at pull-ups!) but I would say her body is off limits.
Being a superficial person in a lot of ways, I find myself absurdly pleased if anyone attempts any sort of compliment or comment that seems to be directed towards fitness. And since sometimes we work out at my mother in law’s senior fitness center, some of the really old dudes can be a tad clumsy but I still dig it.
I’ve been known to comment to very muscular women at the gym: “you look awesome!” Or if they’ve just put down some humongoid barbell I might say “whoa, that’s amazing!” So far no one has seemed too offended but who knows, perhaps I should be more careful!
“Being a superficial person in a lot of ways, I find myself absurdly pleased if anyone attempts any sort of compliment or comment that seems to be directed towards fitness.” Yeah, me too:)
>“For someone who works out as much as you do, you should have the perfect body by now.”
Ugh yeah, get this one all the time. I am proof that you can WAY out eat endurance training even at kinda crazy levels without even trying.
The best compliments? Complimenting something I’m actually doing (aka, nice 5k time, or way to go heavy on those reps or something). Also, I have gotten “Man, I’d like legs that look like those but I’m not willing to put in the effort.”
Bummer that you get that one too but it’s nice to know I’m not alone… And you DO have amazing legs, girl!!
I hear “you look great… for your age” all the time. Really? Is the “for your age” really necessary? I also get “well, you’re naturally skinny” . Really? Maybe I ‘naturally’ don’t eat any crap food and ‘naturally’ exercise compulsively like its a second job. Or maybe you just ‘naturally’ stuff your face with fast food and spend your days on the couch in front of the tv and blame genetics for your lack of motivation and commitment. Let me tell you something, everyone in my family is significantly overweight and it drives me crazy that they blame genetics at the same time as they use genetics to diminish my hard work. Pet peeve. Thanks for letting me vent 🙂
Oooh the “…for your age” tag is totally unnecessary, I agree! And yes, it’s so frustrating when people intentionally diminish your hard work because it makes them feel uncomfortable.
I think I would appreciate being complimented more on taking care of myself than the way I look for it. Women should be commended for their efforts in keeping themselves and their families healthy. Cooking healthy food, exercising, and teaching their children to be active too, are extraordinary feats in our society. Rather than focus on how healthy exercise and eating habits make us look, we should be focusing on how they uplift, inspire and enable us to be great in every area of our lives.
Love this: “Women should be commended for their efforts in keeping themselves and their families healthy. Cooking healthy food, exercising, and teaching their children to be active too, are extraordinary feats in our society. “
“You look fit,” or “You look like you’ve been working out,” have always pleased me.
I’ve also gotten: “If you get any thinner you’ll disappear” or “You should be careful not to lose any more weight,” both of which are extremely unwelcome. If I’m eating a healthful diet and working out regularly (which I was at that time), my weight is a healthy weight. Full stop.
(Then I gave up diet soda and all artificial sweeteners and put on 10 pounds, but have now lost 5 of them and will lose the rest soon.)
Giving up artificial sweeteners made you gain 10 pounds? So interesting! Usually the research supports the opposite. Congrats on losing half of it already though. Unexpected weight gain is so frustrating but kudos for giving up the chemicals!
Someone asked me if I rowed crew in college which I actually really liked. I’ve never played sports (I’m fit but horrible un athletic) so anytime someone mistakes me for an athlete makes me feel really good. I also like it when people tell me they’d love to have my arms/abs etc. I work really hard for my muscles and am flattered when people recognize it.
I too am fit but horribly unathletic! People always seemed surprised by this – like I should automatically be good at soccer. And then they see me play, sigh.
A trainer once expressed concern that I had lost too much weight, which I appreciated; he didn’t use any euphemisms. I’ve also gotten variations on “Wow, you’re strong/fast” when working out in the weight room or when using the treadmill, and only ever appreciated that. I think the way I dress is part of it; when I go to work out I wear pretty ratty clothes and just get in there, work out really hard, get out, which gives the (correct) impression that I’m there for sports training, not vanity.
Well, I did have one sad moment–when my running coach said I had too much muscle bulk in my upper body I was miffed. But then I realized he thinks everyone who isn’t emaciated has too much muscle bulk. He’s a bit crazy.
SO glad you could tune out your running coach’s remarks! I once interviewed a track and field “expert” who told me that extra muscle is a detriment to runners and then he defined “extra” as any muscle not directly needed to move your legs. Sad.
My husband recently told me I have a ‘Superhero butt.’ Now it wants a cape of its own.
And by golly it should have one!
I one time had a guy at a bar ask me if I ran track in high school… I said no (I didn’t even go to high school, I was homeschooled lol), then asked why – he said, “‘Cause girrrrl, you got legs like a THOROUGHBRED!”
I thought it was pretty awesome, and original. 🙂
Best comment for a fit girl: As others wrote, compliment her on accomplishments not her body. Although I don’t mind the sincere “you look great/fantastic etc.”
This weekend I saw my old piano teacher (I think it had been about 15 years since i took lessons.) He said “you’ve gotten so big!” Really? To an adult woman? Fail.
I’m going to assume he meant to say “tall.”
I think “You look amazing!” usually works. Unless it’s someone you see every day and you imply that you’re all shocked that they managed to pull themselves out of the dung heap and make an effort.
That doesn’t usually go so well.
I like it when people enjoy my class and keep coming back. That, to me, is the highest compliment they can give.
Om my…I get something similar like this comment all the time: “WOW. you lift that much? That’s pretty good..for a girl”
I used to love getting compliments on my arms, and I hope to get those hard-to-shave-pits back someday. Least complimentary – probably something about the loose skin on my thighs as it always made appearances whenever I wore running shorts.
I think the compliments I enjoy the most are the ones that praise my work ethic and dedication. I’ve been told “you’re one of the few people up here (i.e. the weightroom) who means BUSINESS” and I’ve been told by a member of the staff “…we all see how hard you work…” and both of those felt really good. It also feels good when I see that I have the acceptance and respect of some of the serious powerlifting guys in my gym. There are some who’ll give me the little chin nod and smile or a subtle thumbs up if they see me pull a deadlift PR or get a heavy set of squats. That’s much better than the people who run over to quiz me about omg, how much weight do you have on the bar? and isn’t that amazing? I know they mean well, and it’s mostly elderly people, but it does tend to make you feel like a circus freak. The one that really annoys me, though, are the guys who like to “joke” that since I have some visible muscle, I could beat them up. “Oh, better be nice to Andrea, she could kick my butt.” That’s just not amusing, clever, or flattering.
I did gymnastics and cheerleading as a kid so I ended up having very broad shoulders and big arm muscles, especially in high school. I was always SO insecure about my manly shoulders until a woman told me when I was about 18 that I had “great arms.” Although it felt a little embarrassing and personal to hear a comment about my biggest insecurity at the time, it helped me to finally embrace my arms and to see them in a different and beautiful way. Thanks for the post!
I say, let’s keep the compliments like a sensible diet and exercise plan. Let’s stick to the basics and improve how we say them rather than want we say.
Basic things like “you look great in that dress” or ” I love the way your (insert body part here) looks” have always gone a long way for me. But what really adds that extra something is the sincerity and emotion behind the words, even a simple “wow” said at the right time with the right emotion can out do any Hallmark card.
Or am I wrong?
You among others that do not look like they popped out all those babies!!! 😉 Amazing!
I get things from are you a runner to are you a bodybuilder to just – I love your arms & I like that one cause they seem to be staying the best with age! 😉
I usually just tell someone they look amazing & then ask what they do to stay in such great shape…
There should be no need for anyone to make those “she plays as well as a man” comments any more. We have so many professional women’s teams, not to mention college or high school teams, that it should be obvious men aren’t the only ones who can play well.
That said, probably the best compliments are the ones not made about the body. Similar to your example about the pull-up on the monkey bars, something like “Wow, you’re really fast!” or “That’s amazing you can lift so much,” are usually the best bet for someone into fitness, I think. In general, avoiding comments about one’s body is a good idea. You never know how any of those comments could affect someone, even if the comment seems harmless or good.
Not helpful: look at you, you don’t need to work out, worry about what you eat. You are so skinny- implying that I shouldn’t be taking care of myself and being healthy. I don’t like people who diminish the good things I do and also diminish my own insecurities too. Generally don’t comment on my size. Don’t call me hot. I don’t like being objectified.
Good: you killed that set! You are inspiring! You’re so strong! You make me way to work out.
No joke it was over the weekend I was recovering from feeling like I had hit a wall when a local gym trainer, who is pretty cute, said “y r u getting so shredded?” In disbelief I asked where and he said every time he sees me I look more toned. I wanted to hug him andcry!!
“I also appreciate anything along the lines of “You work really hard and I’m impressed with how far you’ve come!””
This. Anything along the lines of, “Wow, you work hard!” (and variations of that) is great. But anything too focused on the actual body is just… eh. I hate making comments about body size/type to friends, much less people I don’t know, because it just feels like a landmine. Some people think slightly slimmer is idea, or slightly curvier, or more muscular, or less. If I compliment you for being skinny, will I have insulted your womanhood by implying you don’t have breasts? If I compliment your figure for being curvy, did I call you fat? If I compliment your muscles, am I implying you’re too muscular/manly/not feminine? If I say you look lithe, am I implying that you’re weak? I even try to be careful about questions on how far you’ve come – some people take “wow, you’ve lost weight, you look great!” to mean they were fat before, and it can work the same way with “Wow, you’ve gained so much muscle!” It seems like most people are at least a little insecure about their bodies, and despite intentions, it is just SO easy for something to hit a nerve. “Wow I love that you can do XX number of pullups!” or “Wow, I love your dedication/motivation/etc!” just seems better.
I love being called “beast”. I accidentally called one of my clients that one day and she got mad. It was sort of funny. We ended up becoming good friends. Before I left she got me a shirt that says “Beast.” How cool is that!!!!!
I’m a full time personal trainer, and most of my clients are women. Let me tell you, giving feedback to my clients on their hard earned progress, without “saying the wrong thing” can be challenging. Since I am their trainer however, my words are heard with trust and respect. So, that frees up my choices on what to I can say. For someone who I meet on the “outside”, this is what I usually say: “You sure look like you know your way around the gym.”
My cousin and I rock climb. Several years ago prior to her up and moving to North Carolina, we had a family gathering. My cousin is like 6′ tall and has slightly broader shoulders than average for her size. They were made to look bigger by her strong upper body. She looked and looks awesomely fit.
My dad came up and began talking about the size of her shoulders awkwardly, which isn’t out of line for him. But then he asked her if she was taking steroids. Oh my dad.
The most conflicted one I ever received was from some random guy on the street. He said to me, “You look like you work out!” On one hand I was like, “Cool, I look buff!” But then I was also like, “Why is this rando commenting on my body?”
The best one I ever got was from my boss, who saw me wearing a tank top and said I looked like a bad ass. 🙂
As a woman, we need to take good care of our self, the way we act and way of our fashion.. We are able to oblige to do this in order to lift up our confidence with in our self…
I am a man who has always admired athleticism, muscles and physical strength in a woman. I tend to notice when a woman has strong legs, arms, fingers or has a presence that conveys strength. I keep my admiration to myself though out of fear if making her feel embarrassed, my feeling embarrassed or perceiving making a comment to be inappropriate. Very very rarely have I voiced a compliment towards a strong lady. One time in the gym I was at the water cooler at the same time as a woman I had admired for weeks, always working out at blinding speed and for durations I found quite staggering. As we glanced at one another I said “wow, you are so fast on there you could be training for the Olympics”. She smiled and seemed happy about my compliment. Another woman at the gym is very petite of height bur very well formed. She lifts weights that most men couldn’t handle, including me, that I am wowed whenever she bicep curls huge dumbells or squats the monster weights she manages with perfect form. I have not said anything to her yet though as I fear that a random guy commenting on her strength may be inappropriate to her. I tend to prefer to say nothing than risk offending