I dread the day when this sweet little girl looks in the mirror and sees anything but a gorgeous miracle. In the meantime, this butterfly made her feel so happy! For days, even after it washed off, she’d touch her cheek and whisper “So pwetty!”
There comes a day in every girl’s life when she realizes that she is not the prettiest princess in the room. I’m not sure exactly when that day was for me but I know I was very young. Having a daughter myself, I can tell you that every girl is born into this world knowing she is the most gorgeous, amazing creature ever. Every body part, including her tummy, is just a body part and something to be examined (and possibly chewed on) with delight. Jelly Bean is 2.5 years old and watching her frolic after bathtime tonight assures me that she has not yet lost that fairy magic. But while some of us keep that wonder a bit longer than others – I think having parents who adore every inch of you helps – somewhere between babyhood and girlhood, it’s gone. Extinguished like a candle under a cup. The candle is still there of course but it no longer lights our way.
Before we even learn words like “glass ceiling” we learn two irreconcilable “facts”: 1) That beauty is our currency and 2) That we will never be beautiful enough. And every girl (and let’s be honest, many boys too) then has to decide how to make sense out of this non-sense.
I’ve seen a lot of different reactions to this:
– The pretty girls who are pretty enough and determined enough to try and keep climbing that ladder. Maybe, just maybe, if they workout a little longer, eat less dessert, buy a designer dress, get implants and have just the right hair then they will be rechristened Prettiest Princess Ever. Or at least the prettiest princess in their particular room.
– The average girls who try to make the best of what they’ve got and then fight like crazy to be the smartest, funniest or wittiest instead. (Never realizing of course that these ladders go to the same nowhere as the pretty ladder – no achievement will ever be deemed “enough” either).
– The average girls who try to take themselves completely out of the game. They aren’t much into makeup, hair or clothes. Many (successfully) just try to blend in. Tall poppies get cut down, after all. And you can’t mourn the loss of something you never had, right?
– The girls who rage against the box they’ve been put in by getting mohawks and tattoos, buzz cuts and f*** you attitudes. And yet are still unable to hide the beauty they were born with.
– The girls who are afraid of their own beauty. Many have been abused or bullied. Often their beauty, or lack thereof, was cited as the cause — a way to place the blame for the evil committed against them, on them. Too many believe it.
– The girls that society marginalizes for a variety of “defects”: too fat, too thin, too much nose, too little lip, too pale, too brown, too shy, too talkative, too too.
I’m going to be completely honest: I’ve been all of these girls at different stages in my life and there is heartbreak in every one.
I was reminded of this the other day during a conversation with a woman whose job is in the beauty industry. As she was detailing to me all the various services available (for those who can pay) – everything from teeth whitening to laser skin resurfacing to botox – I interrupted her to ask, “Do you ever just stop someone and say, ‘You know, you’re good now! You don’t need anything else!’ ” She looked surprised and then answered, “Well nobody’s perfect. There’s always something else that can be done!” I replied (and yes I did actually say this), “That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.” While I know that she was looking at it purely from a an industry standpoint and probably didn’t mean it to be this meta, it still struck me as sad that you could get every treatment that money could buy and you still wouldn’t be beautiful “enough.”
Reader Sarah sent me an interesting e-mail today. In it she included a quote from the British Olympian and cyclist Victoria Pendleton. Pendleton writes in her column for Zest magazine,
“It still surprises me that we have such a narrow view of what makes women attractive. I’ve been photographed lots of times over the years, but one picture sticks in my mind. I wore a dress that exposed my whole back and when I saw the photo on a screen at the shoot I thought “Wow! My back looks muscly,” and I felt really proud. But, when the picture was printed, my back was smooth and practically muscle free. They’d softened it all and I was so disappointed because I’d put a lot of work into that! I guess, in their opinion, being muscly isn’t that attractive in a woman. But surely if you take a picture of an athlete, you’d expect to see some muscle, wouldn’t you?”
She’s an Olympian. With her own column in a beauty mag. And she’s still not good enough.
So when will we finally be good enough? As long as we let others define us then the answer is a resounding never. But I’m convinced we can relight our candle. First is understanding that we may be able to purchase pretty but beauty cannot be bought. Second is recognizing what makes us feel truly, deeply beautiful – the way we felt when we were two and could stare at ourselves in the mirror for ten minutes without a single judgmental thought.
What makes me feel truly beautiful:
– When someone’s eyes light up when I walk into a room.
– When I catch myself laughing uncontrollably.
– When I am able to do something for someone else that makes their day a little brighter.
– When I wear a dress that I designed and sewed myself.
– When I feel needed and able to meet that need.
– When my Kindergartner tells me he thinks my “hair stuff looks very stylish”. (Stylish! Where did he learn that?)
– When someone writes to tell me that something I’ve written has made their life better/easier/happier/snort-laughier.
– When I can cry with someone else who is crying and laugh with others who are laughing.
– When I do something really hard. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I intended.
– When I pray. Sometimes I just need to be reminded: He made me beautiful. Everything else is just window decoration.
None of these can be bought. But all are within my grasp.
What makes you feel truly beautiful? Are you able to tap into that little girl? What is one thing you can do today to help someone else feel beautiful? (Hint: if you need an idea, start with a huge, genuine smile.)
*HUG* Thank you for this beautiful post! 🙂
You are beautiful!!!!!!! Your beauty shines from deep I side, and that’s true beauty: the beauty of being human.
Tonight my son, very seriously, showed me Ll his new drawings. He was so proud of himself, and happy that I was proud of him!
I went to check my daughter, thinking she was asleep. When I walked in she gave a squeal of delight. You can guess how happy that made me!
I think it is our “faults” that make us beautiful, whether they’re physical or psychological or what have you.
And I absolutely believe that when we find our purpose Nd stop seeing our worth through others’ eyes is when we find our beauty and true happiness.
P.S, Jelly Bean is precious! LOVE that story about her butterfly!
Love this: “I think it is our “faults” that make us beautiful, whether they’re physical or psychological or what have you.” And I always love reading what you write about your kids – they sound like such amazing little people. Which makes perfect sense considering who their mom is:)
🙂
“- When someone writes to tell me that something I’ve written has made their life better/easier/happier/snort-laughier.”
I love this post. And Honey, you are Absolutely Beautiful!
(and so are we. Thanks for reminding us)
I feel beautiful:
– in a hot new dress
– swimming in the ocean
– when im laughing
– when somebody else says so (hate to admit that one)
I teach 11 and 12 year olds and they’ve just started using ‘fat’ as the biggest insult to each other that they can think of. Why can’t they let go of the superficial and insult each other’s intellect instead? (kidding). It really breaks my heart to hear them taking on those values so young.
Ah, I don’t think it’s bad to feel beautiful when someone else compliments you! We shouldn’t let other people’s opinions override our own but at the same time, accept the good:) It makes me feel good too! And you made me giggle with your ” Why can’t they let go of the superficial and insult each other’s intellect instead? (kidding)” I’m glad those girls have you for a teacher/example!
I think it is the “faults” that make us beautiful, whether they’re physical or psychological or what have you. And I absolutely believe that when we find our purpose Nd stop seeing our worth through others’ eyes is when we find our beauty and true happiness. Thanks for sharing your site.
I’m horrible at details and am shocked still that I was able to pick a culprit out of line-up pictures (I witnessed a hit-and-run on a pregnant woman and chased the driver til I got pertinent info to call the police.). When it comes to my friends, family, those I love: the details melt away and all I usually see are dancing eyes, smiley mouths, happy energy. Every once in a while, I’ll really ‘look’ at someone and am always surprised to find that we’re growing a little older, perhaps a little less, um, ‘muscly’ (LOL!), whatever. It always makes me appreciate the person more. So, ask if you have a new haircut or new dress or new make-up routine – odds are that if it isn’t a radical change, I didn’t even notice! But, if you’re down or struggling, well, that I noticed. And probably asked and/or hugged you.
And thank you, again and again, for all you write. This is another fantastic post.
” the details melt away and all I usually see are dancing eyes, smiley mouths, happy energy.” I feel the same way. I love those moments where you look at someone you’ve known forever and are just blown away by how beautiful they really are. I just wish I knew how to make that feeling stay!
I read this and my first thought was nothing, nothing makes me feel beautiful. Then I thought more about it and realized that I don’t want to be beautiful. Somewhere along the way I internalized that you couldn’t be beautiful/pretty and also be strong, intelligent, treated kindly. That if you were beautiful there were different standards on how you were treated as if being beautiful meant you were automatically dumb, shallow, have to date anyone who asks, etc. I am glad that I’m realizing this bias now, but sad that I’ve had that in my thoughts subconsciously for so long.
I am so glad you write about this type of stuff. It always gets me thinking and I think it is so valuable.
What a terrific post!! You have such a way of boiling things down to their essence.
I was born a beautiful child but then starting with when I got glasses in elementary school and continuing for most of my childhood and up through high school, I was one of the dorkiest kids out there. (I really should post a picture on my blog, I’m not sure I have the guts but maybe I will now) I felt the furthest from beautiful that I could be so I went the studious route, as you described.
I never felt beautiful until my 40s really, until I learned to appreciate how I could move this body and what it could do. My idea of beauty moved beyond face, boobs, and butt to the whole body and heart.
I have loose skin on my stomach, my ears stick out, my face is getting lines, my nose could be smaller, my hair is too straight, my neck is too long, I get circles under my eyes, and my boobs are too small. But I can swim, bike, and run and do so with a happy heart for who I am.
I feel beautiful in my own unique way and wouldn’t change a thing 🙂
Charlotte, you rock…and you are beautiful physically and soul-fully!
That was Beautiful! Made my day! 🙂
I have a family member who has gotten three plastic surgeries: a nose job, cheek implants (injectable not permanent) and an under-eye lift. I’ve accompanied this person to all three appointments. At the last appointment, the doctor actually made an effort to get to the bottom of this person’s ‘issues’ – he asked, “Why are you doing this?” and “What makes you think there’s something wrong here?” and finally said, “I don’t think you need it.” But at the previous two appointments, the surgeon didn’t even ask. Just wanted to know what this person wanted fixed. It’s definitely a sad situation.
Thank you for this! I cried reading through most of the post, both out of sadness and happiness. I don’t know how anyone has a daughter! How do you come close to protecting girls from the pressure to be beautiful and thin, but not trying too hard or too aware of it? I look back on how my own beautiful and wonderful mother tried to deal with this and boy did she mess it up. Not for lack of trying, that’s the saddest part! She has always just been too broken to teach anything other than her own sadness. I’m thankful that in some ways I’ve learned better in adulthood, but this inspires me to try harder to have a more beautiful heart.
Thank you. Just thank you so much.
I won’t get into my rambles, but I think part of the reason I took to blogging so passionately was that I felt like I could be “beautiful” with my words without the trepidation of being judged on my appearance. I realize that sounds a little shallow in and of itself, but I have also been all the things you mentioned above and still find myself stuck there at times.
While I hesitate to use the word “beautiful” to describe myself in any way, I will say that I feel confident and attractive as a person when I speak or act from my heart. And in those rare times when my head is in tact and I get hit with one of those spontaneous “laugh so hard it hurts” moments, I never feel more happy.
OK. One more ramble, simply because it sounds like I didn’t explain myself very well. I’ve also never really considered beauty to be a factor in how I see other people, and because I assume that others feel the same way–often incorrectly–I’m mystified when I hear of people buying eyelash conditioner or spending 3 hours getting ready in the morning or snarking on someone’s “natural” look. For me, the external is irrelevant, and while others may judge me on my lack of whatever they’re looking for, I try to stay true to who I am.
I wish more women could keep that childhood innocence you mentioned above, because honestly, those are the women to know 😉
Love this post and love yo. I want a butterfly on my cheek 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing this. The ‘erasing’ of an athlete’ muscles is horrible!
This is such a good reminder, and made me think about what makes me feel beautiful. And it’s when I’m smiling at something someone I love has said — a true smile, not a smile-for-the-camera.
Very interesting to me… I have always been a geek and believed from a young age that *my* currency was brains. The times I was crushed as a kid always involved doing poorly on a test or assignment. As an adult these times involving failing at something at work or simply even bring wrong. (I am an engineer). (Luckily I have learned to embrace bring wrong because it means that I am learning a better way- this has done wonders for my self-esteem as well as my popularity with my coworkers!). This post was eye-opening to me… I found that I could not relate to it. But when I switched “beauty” and “pretty” for “intelligence” and “smart” I could. I guess I am a weirdo- but I already knew that!
I’m going to print this out and have my 11 year old daughter read it. Hopefully it will start a good discussion about the difference between pretty and beauty. Thanks!
I love this post! I’ve been quite a few of those girls that you described myself. You are correct when you say there is heartbreak in every one. Sad thing is, I don’t really know what makes me feel beautiful. I just don’t know. That’s definitely something I need to think about. Thank you for posting this!
Thank you for the sweet , insightful post, Charlotte.
I very rarely feel beautiful, or even pretty. The only time I come close is when my children smile at me. It’s such a wonderful feeling that just the sight of me brings such joy to my kids.
Charlotte, you have such a wonderful way with words. This was a great post.
I love that Jelly Bean loved her butterfly that much! I hope she never loses that sense of wonder at the simple pwetty things.
Thank you. I needed to read this and I just sent it to all my friends.
Please tell me you made that dress and then tell me HOW. 😀
Hands-down one of the best posts EVER written on this topic. Very emotional for me too. As a mother of three girls, I know I will have to deal with many of these issues a lot. Thanks so much for this! And you’re right about a genuine smile: instant beautification on any woman! It’s my favorite beauty “trick” …
Reading this today is perfect timing! I work with youth at my church and plan to meet with several of the teen girls this evening.
Pingback:Link: We May Be Able to Purchase Pretty, but… | Rachel Taylor Writes
Your post today reminded me of this quote “Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.” from “You Don’t Have To Be Pretty” http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/20/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty/. I’ve started working on that idea on a more regular basis. I don’t need to be pretty because I’m female. It’s been hard to internalize, more because I fall on the “f..k it side” of the spectrum. Learning that I *can* be pretty if I want to be is okay too. And like you said, a lot of what is “pretty” about me comes from what is inside of me and how my actions reflect that.
Awesome post! Really well done. This issue is one of the most critical and widespread issues out there.
As parents, Heidi and I working with our boys to protect them from these thoughts with one simple message:
– Your worth is not determined by others. It is determined by God and He has set that value at infinite.
That’s an incredibly hard thing to teach because so few people in the world understand that first sentence and even fewer the second. It’s really hard not to get caught up in it when everybody around you lets everybody around them determine their value.
But Heidi and I hope that one thing we can give the kids is an example of two people who at least try to live that message.
Cming from a guys perspective, it drives me crazy when women try to have a spacific image or appearance that they think is ideal.
Like many guys I have a “type” but I find all sorts of different forms of beauty attractive. Just as I don’t just appreciate one type of weather pattern I love how women look from cute to sexy and from nerdy to even shy. Having just one set ideal for all women would be like living where it’s only 75 and partially cloudy all of the time. It’s nice but also kind of dull.
Ladies we love the beauty you were born with! We want to see and experience your personal unique beauty! Please, please, please don’t try and cover it up with some sort of ideal.
Your much too unique and special!
Thank you for this thoughtful and beautiful post.
Don’t know what makes me feel beautiful – which is sad really. Will have to think on it some more.
Things that make me feel beautiful: Running, laughing, and catching my fiance starting at me while smiling. Sometimes, all of these happen at the exact same time and that’s magic!
You know, I cried reading this because feeling beautiful or pretty is something that is a rare occurrence for me. I remember watching a Doogie Howser M.D. show and he was wondering why this woman was wanting surgery to take the tiniest bit of fat out of her ankles. He accurately observed that she was trying everything in her power to be that standard she thought her husband wanted (who I believe was not faithful?). That stuck with me all these years. Funnily enough, I always liked my ankles. Until a girlfriend said with such surprise how tiny my ankles were. In that instant, I felt like this big elephant with teensy ankles. Not a pretty picture. And unfortunately, that always stuck with me. So now, I’ll go and buy some hot heels because they make me feel awesome, until I look in the mirror and then I remember the exclamation and then I won’t wear them again. Huh. I just teared up. Even with being a 40+ year old woman, that still cripples me. Dumb, innit? That I’m still letting that have so much power over me.
I need to learn how to look (ha) at what defines feeling beautiful is for me.
Oh honey – I’m crying now too! Go put those heels on and wear the h*ll out of them! Honestly I don’t remember your ankles in particular but I do remember you as being gorgeous both inside and out! Although when you do wear the heels you have to send me a pic!! You have great taste and I bet they’re fierce!
Sort of off topic, but how do you find time to sew?! I have a 5 week old baby, my first, and am in awe of moms that have multiple kids, let alone find time to do anything other than nurse, change diapers, and the occasional load of laundry 🙂
Hahah – it’s kind of a stress relief thing. But I have to tell you Sara that you are in the hardest part right now!! That learning curve of going from independent woman to new mom is crazy steep. Adding more kids is hard but I don’t think anything’s ever as hard as that first one. If that makes any sense. You’ll get your feet under you soon and you’ll find the time for your hobbies. (Do you sew too? It’s not something I do super often but I do really enjoy it!)
No words – what an amazing post!!!!!!!! I still struggle unfortunately….
I think the times I have felt most beautiful is when I’ve seen the look on the face of someone who adores me when they’re looking at *me*. If that makes any sense.
I was reading this magazine while getting a pedicure a couple years ago and there was a feature on plastic surgery of the rejuvenating type, with before and afters. Each woman was labelled. “Betty, age 54, before: looks 58, after: looks 47. Judy, age 42, before: looks 49, after: looks 34.” Like that. Well, I besides being bemused by the specificity of the ages (47 looks different than 48 or 46?), I was horrified to come across “Mabel, age 84, before: looks 85, after: looks 68.” I went home and raged about this to my friends. Has it reached *this* now? Are we never allowed to ever just give up? Am I supposed to worry about being beautiful/attractive/young-looking till the very day I die because I happen to be a woman? I think that was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in print.
Your sentiment makes perfect sense! It’s like people finally see the real you and not just the face you present to the world. I love that moment too when I glimpse that same divine spark in someone else! And that mag story is horrible! We’ve completely demonized aging – as if anyone can help getting older. Eeesh.
You expressed this so beautifully no one could doubt the beauty within you.
Yes, You’re right. Every girl born to be the prettiest girl in the world,like an angel.
Oh my goodness, did you make that blue dress? It’s gorgeous! When I get to feeling down about myself, I like listening to TLC’s “Unpretty” – “You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So d*** unpretty
I’ll make you feel unpretty too.” We can’t let our self-worth be determined by others, and we have to make sure the younger generation knows that, too.
P.S. – On a slightly related note, I gave you two awards in my last post. You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to (since you are so very busy), but I wanted to let you know. 🙂
I haven’t heard that song in years! Gonna go youtube it now:) And thank you for the awards! That was so so so sweet of you!
One of my all time favorite singer/songwriters Carole King sang ” Beautiful “, I love that song and it’s message and it reminds me to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and show the world all the love in my heart. Then people gonna treat you better, you’re gonna find, yes you will, that you’re beautiful as you feel!
love those words and that are so true!
You’re beautiful as you feel!!!
Very true and very insightful. I think I was about 12, 6th gradish, when I stopped feeling pretty and “enough” (incidentally, that was the same year my ED started). I love your list of things that make you feel beautiful, and wish everyone would take time to make one…
I feel beautiful when I am teaching, and finally see that light in a student’s eyes that they are “getting” a tricky concept.
I feel beautiful when my grandmother reaches out for my hand when we cross the street.
I feel beautiful when my dog acts like my coming home from errands is the absolute highlight of his day.
I feel beautiful when I tell someone a joke that makes them laugh out loud.
OOoh I love ALL of these! But this one: “I feel beautiful when I am teaching, and finally see that light in a student’s eyes that they are “getting” a tricky concept.” made me grin and grin. That is a wonderful feeling!
Love this so so so so so much 🙂
Pingback:Link Fest « Things My Belly Likes
I read your posts but rarely the comments–and I hardly ever put one up, myself. However, I read every reply this time. Every one one was a gem. Thanks so much for treating the topic of “beauty” so tenderly, and thanks to every respondent for their beautiful thoughts in return.
What makes me feel beautiful? I love that Jesus loves me, that He atoned for my sins, which are the only true ugliness. I love that He knows me inside and out, knows everything about me, and still loves me totally. That makes all the difference to me.
What makes me feel beautiful? Looking at my wife, who has chosen me every day for over 35 years now, and knowing she’ll keep on choosing me every day. It blows me away.
What makes me feel beautiful? Seeing my wife and me with wrinkles, bags, and sags and knowing they don’t matter. We’re more in love than we’ve ever been.
What makes me feel beautiful? My kids, living their lives with love and heroism, showing me my parenting mistakes didn’t ruin them, that beauty is stronger than ugliness.
What makes me feel beautiful? That every day God give us “beauty for [the] ashes” our lives would be without Him (see Isaiah 61:1-3, Luke 4:14-21), that God is always as close to us as we will let Him be.
Thank you thank you for a beautiful post.
thanks for the post, I think anyone and in any case we should be able to make anyone become more confident, especially to children, because it will make their lives more enjoyable as it can express themselves.
Being a teenager in a world of constant judgment can be really hard; reading this made me feel a lot better about myself. Thank you so much
Thank you so much Charlotte I always read but hardly comment since I stopped writing in my blog so long ago. But this reminded me that we all need reminders about how beautiful we are! I think you are beautiful inside and out and remind me several times a week about my own unique beauty and more importantly, how it’s just a vehicle to experience all the beautiful things in life. So glad you continue to help all of us.
Also, OMG Jelly bean is adorable!
Pingback:10 Lessons I Learned From Our Garden (And none of them have to do with food!) | The Great Fitness Experiment
Pingback:10 Lessons I Learned From Our Garden (And none of them have to do with food!) | Elite Daily Diet and Fitness
Pingback:“No Skinny People Allowed” Gyms: Brilliant or Bigoted? | The Great Fitness Experiment
Pingback:“No Skinny People Allowed” Gyms: Brilliant or Bigoted? | Elite Daily Diet and Fitness
Pingback:Do We Really Want Un-Photoshopped Pictures? | The Great Fitness Experiment
Hi Charlotte, I was wondering if I could quote a part of this post (with attribution) in my next video? I do video reviews of films and next week’s is about Miss Congeniality 2 and the dark side of makeover narratives. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way of expressing how we are always ‘not enough’ than the paragraph beginning with the glass ceiling and the conversation with the beauty therapist.
Also, I love your blog, not just because you’re a wonderful writer and willing to try anything, but also because you seem so fearless when it comes to putting stuff out there.
So thank you for it! 🙂
It is really a nice and helpful piece of information. I’m satisfied that you simply shared this useful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.
Wonderful blog you have here but I was curious if you knew of any community forums that cover the same topics
talked about in this article? I’d really like to be a part of online
community where I can get advice from other experienced individuals that
share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me
know. Appreciate it!
Pingback:This is What’s Wrong With How We Talk About Eating Disorders
Thank you for this beautiful article. It made my day.