Carly Rae Vader!!! Totally unrelated: Turbo Jennie has a theory that every girl’s middle name is either Marie, Ray, Lee or Anne. True for me!
Raise your hand if you’ve ever given another person – not a plastic torso named “BOB” or “ANNIE” – CPR. I have two fingers raised for the two times I’ve kindasorta done mouth-to-mouth. The first time was when I gave my brother a “rescue breath” – despite the fact he was breathing on his own perfectly fine. Why? I have no good answer. We were taking a junior lifeguarding class and it seemed funny at the time. (He got me back by sitting on me and farting. Good times, TJ!) But the second time was just recently when Son #3 had the brilliant idea to shove a Lego up his nose. After trying everything I could think of – all two things – I finally called the after-hours pediatric nurse line.
“Well did you try blowing it out?” she asked matter-of-factly.
“Excuse me? Like with a blowdryer?” I asked incredulously.
“No, like CPR, honey. Just close the other nostril with your thumb, put your mouth over his and breathe as hard as you can into his mouth. Works like a charm.”
“You want me to do what?!”
“You want to take him to the ER instead?”
I sighed. Stupid high deductible insurance plan. “No. I’ll try it.”
The nurse agreed to wait on the line while I did it and as I explained to my son that mommy was about to do something that would likely traumatize him for the rest of his life but it was okay because we’d already started saving for his therapy, I could hear her laughter all the way out of the phone on the floor. Then I did it.
I’ll never to my dying day forget the look on his little face when I Hoovered him. And he’ll probably never forget the look on my face when the Lego came flying out (just as promised!), accompanied by a ton of snot which then sprayed all over my face. This was by far one of the most disgusting things I have ever had to do as a parent. Right after giving my eldest an enema. GROSS. grossgrossgross.
As I sat wiping off my face, I had to ask him. “Why did you stick that toy up your nose? Just: WHY?!”
He shrugged his little shoulders and made his “I’m so cute you can’t kill me” face. “Because it fit!”
Well, duh. Ask a stupid question…
So this isn’t fitness related but this little interchange with my son inspired this list I did for Redbook and I cracked myself up so much I had to share:
Top 10 Things Toddlers Wish They Could Tell Us
Toddlers often seem irrational, unreasonable, finicky, and frustrating but sometimes I think if I had a good interpreter all that screaming would make sense. So the next time you feel your blood rising as you wait for “ME DO IT!!” to attempt putting on their shoes for twenty minutes or “MINE!!” to loosen their grip on the candy you just said they couldn’t have, try seeing things from your kid’s perspective. It may still be irrational but at least it will make you smile. And if you do then they probably will too…
1. Don’t ask me why I stuck something up my nose. I know there is no good answer to that but I’ll try to come up with a creative reason if you keep pushing. And that one won’t make any more sense than “because I could.” (“I thought if I put a red pom-pom up my nose it would make me Rudolph!”)
2. No means no! It also means “yes”, “I think so”, “maybe” and “I need a nap, for the love of Fisher Price won’t someone find me my blanky!”
3. Getting my face wiped with a warm washcloth is exactly like getting power washed with with an industrial sprayer and don’t even try to tell me it isn’t, you terrorist.
4. That tantrum I threw in the middle of the store? That wasn’t me. This darn body is so new it just goes on the fritz sometimes. I can’t help it. I contacted the manufacturer and we’re trying to work out the kinks.
5. Don’t tell me not to do something I haven’t done yet. If I haven’t tried it, you just gave me a great idea and the fact you said no makes it even more exciting.
6. I peed on the floor not because I can’t pee on the potty but simply because I don’t feel like hanging my tushie over a gigantic hole filled with water that may or may not suck me straight into the vortex. Frankly I can’t believe anyone can poop with that kind of pressure!
7. Spreading stuff all over me is just how I eat. Just because you’ve lost the ability to taste through your skin doesn’t mean I should hide my talent. Don’t be a hater.
8. Brushing my teeth is like minty dessert on a handy stick — why wouldn’t I want to swallow that?
9. Band-Aids are just big stickers. Blood should not be a precursor to getting one. Or five.
10. It doesn’t matter to me where you work, how important you are, or if you are a size two. All I know is that you are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and that you love me. (Although it totally does matter what kind of car you drive – why have you not purchased that stretch limo with wading pool and sippy cup wet bar yet?)
What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever had to do for someone else? Anyone have any good items-up-nose stories?? Is your middle name Marie, Ray, Lee or Anne??
I agree with Laura!
My girl did the SHOVE STUFF UP NOSTRIL trick for far too long and was far too old.
It’s funny how the ‘hole’ (as she calls it) loses it’s allyure by 42.
My fave was a sweet tater fry ONLY because I could easily snag with tweezers.
My little brother shoved wadded up Scotch tape up his nose. The first time, we were able to get it out with tweezers, but the second time it was too far up. My ten year old self got the bright idea to shove pepper up his nose to make him sneeze…it actually worked and he never stuck anything up his nose again.
Ah, another post that makes me drop my jaw in awe at all that heroic mothers have to do for their kids!
I do believe I was responsible for a trip to the ER as a toddler when I took some foam out of a cushion and shoved it up my nose. And my middle name is Marie! So there you go, I must be normal.
I have a cousin who shoved a bunch of peas up his nose at Thanksgiving. Was sneezing all evening, then a big KETCHOO at bedtime and the peas went flying.
And my middle name is Anne.
Sorry to break the streak but my middle name is Krystin. And I don’t think I have any shoving things up the nose stories (yet).
this post is hilarious! my daughter is only 5 months old but already so good at the “you better not be putting me down woman. I SAID NO! walk me around. you are my chariot and i will not accept sitting in your lap and swaying. YOU MUST WALK ME.” of course, she’s so cute that i indulge her (then drink 2 glasses of wine after she goes to bed to ease the pain in my aching back 🙂
my middle name is Ann (no ‘e’)!
Hahah – I love it when their little personalities start to come out! Sounds like you have a girl who knows what she wants:)
Thanks for the belly laugh this a.m., Charlotte! I really enjoyed the trip down memory lane LOL!
As to the middle name….mine IS actually Renée….we don’t discuss the original first name, now it’s simply B. (Which the Texas DMV hates, btw. True story…you can’t have an initial on your driver’s license in Texas because evidently “B Renée” isn’t considered unique….bwahahaha. So my license has my middle, maiden, and last name, which means I have to use my passport for all means of ID, since it actually contains my legal name. Just a little bit of government bureaucracy – you know, things that make you go “hmmmmm?”)
Have a great day!
Ah but now I’m soooo curious! Bertha? Brunhilda? What are other awful “b” names?? I really wanted to name one of our kids “Bronwyn” after a book but it’s probably best I didn’t get my wish…
He heh…I put my poor mum through so much shoving endless saskatoon berrries up my nose. Why them, I don’t know, but I’m sure I spent most of my 4th year in the kitchen with my nurse mum trying to pry them out with a tweezer…the woman was a saint.
And my middle name is Marie too…perhaps I can blame it on that? 😛
We have the same middle name!! We’re practically twins now:)
Marie
And while I don’t have kids, so no gross stories, I think I’d love to hang around some only to see the world through their eyes. But ONLY to see the world through their eyes. I’d hate to have to be the adult or worse, the parent… I’d be way too worried and uptight! No deductible here in Canada, I’d be a regular at the ER! Kudos to your chill attitude!
wow, that was a lot of exclamation points. I’m gonna slack on the coffee…
So funny!
My middle name is Rose. Sorry!
The grossest thing I’ve experienced as a mom was the time my month-old daughter projectile pooed into my eye.
That stuff stings!
Yep, had this one too! I had no idea babies could projectile poop and my first son caught me totally off guard! To my credit that was also the last time that happened. I learned quick;)
My middle name is Hallel. When people find that out, I usually get two responses – “ha-what?” Or “like Superman?!?!” No, sorry sir, not Ka-lel.
My sister shoved a raisin up her nose when she was a baby. When we pulled it out 4 days later (because it was clogging her airways and she couldn’t take a bottle), it was a grape. Ew.
Grossss! Poor baby:(
Sorry – middle name is Jean.
Your story reminds me of a dinner I had with my aunt and cousins. The youngest shoved a kernel of corn up her nose and my aunt politely asked her to blow it out. They went back and forth and finally my cousin shot the corn out her nose and it hit my aunt in the face. Her response? “Good girl, no more sticking corn up your nose.”
My response was to cross my legs and swear off children.
Keep those legs crossed, girl! 😉 Your aunt sounds like a very practical woman!
I work with a bunch of people with unique middle names (Jolene, Valentino). As a French Catholic, I have 3 middle names and one of them is Marie.
Crayons and beans were favourite nose material in our house. My mom used a bobby pin to fish stuff out.
As a toddler, my son was obsessed with tape–all kinds of tape. He used to tape his toys together along with bottles and plastic containers from the recycling bin to make giant complicated “machines” that he would explain to me in great detail. He once taped about a dozen pencils to the living room wall–all perfectly aligned and pointing straight up. It looked like an art installation but didn’t do much for the paint.
Born French Catholic too so Marie for girls, Joseph for boys + godmother’s name usually (except mine chose to keep it short and stop at Marie)
Ohmygoodness one of my sons is a tape FIEND as well! He calls them his “inventions.” They’re all over the house and heaven help me if I touch one…
Guess I’m the weird one – my middle name is Jo. I used to hate it, but now I love it.
You need to print this post and read it to his high school prom date. Please?
Oh I have a whole book of things I plan to read to his high-school girlfriends! I can’t wait for my kids to get old enough for me to embarrass them instead of the other way around…
Haha! You know what they say about paybacks… 😉
No, my middle name is Kay, rhymes with Ray. But hubby’s middle name is Ray. None of my five kids have the middle names on your list.
My daughter’s nose item was a bead. She seemed traumatized any time we tried to wipe her nose and I don’t remember how we found there was a bead up there. My hubby pulled it out with tweezers. She at least had the good sense to put it with the holes up and down so she could still breathe okay.
I’ve never heard of Ray as a girl’s name, but I’d put Rose up there.
Ann (no e) for me. My mom thought my last name was long enough and tried to keep my first and middle names short 🙂
In the UK every female’s middle name is either Jane or Elizabeth … yep including me.
My middle name is Janelle.
My five year old son shoved a bead up his nose at a family birthday party. The kids were making a necklace for a craft and up it went. You couldn’t see it looking up his nostrils, but you could see the bump from the outside of his nose. He couldn’t blow it out. We tried a baby aspirator and tweezers. My husband and I got into a huge fight about whether to take him to the er or not. (I wanted him to go. My husband only saw the $150 er co-pay). He tried one more time with my brother in law holding down my hysterical son. And he got it. And my boy kept the bead. I assume we are safe now, but I thought we already were.
My middle name is Cherie (close to Marie), same with my mother, and friend. I totally agree on the middle name theory, my best friend’s middle name is Lee. What’s up with that?
My middle son decided to stuff kernels up his nose on my birthday. I spent two glorious days retrieving corn from all sorts of places! Toothpicks are wonderful inventions!
My middle son decided to stuff kernels up his nose on my birthday. I spent two glorious days retrieving corn from all sorts of places! Toothpicks are wonderful inventions!
Luckily the grossest thing I’ve done for someone else is changing poopy diapers. Of course, enough time working toddlers and that’s probably going to change. I did not know rescue breathing could shoot something out a kid’s nose. That one may come in handy one day.
And my middle name is Kay, but it rhymes with Ray so it sort of counts.
Middle name: Lynne. Common with girls my age, not so much any more.
Grossest story: I was baby-sitting my friends kids while she worked, & we were in the above ground pool that Dad had recently built a deck around. Raven (about 2) was wearing a one piece suit that had floaties built into it (genius, btw). He started taking it off, saying he had to poop, & began backing his tiny heinie up to the edge of the deck. I grabbed a plastic bag & flew down the stairs just in time to catch that poop in the bag in my hand. Would have been grosser without the bag, but it was still pretty disgusting, considering he was not the fruit from my loins.
While I don’t have a toddler any longer, your story was a good one, chock full of information! And my middle name is Annette, because Mom thought there were too many “Anne’s In the world” and everyone was naming their girlst hat way. Ha!
E is for Ellen…so old fashioned isn’t it?
Baby #3 just graduated from HS and we survived 24 years of child rearing w/o any child related objects in the wrong places, but all three had stitches at one time or another…Luckily for us my husband is a veterinarian and he saved us many a trip to the ER. So I asked him what is the worst object he removed from someplace it wasn’t suppose to be…”carpet, socks, golf balls and rocks out of K-9’s colon or stomach…..much worse than extracting an equine’s tooth as they stink pretty bad after sitting in the guts for a few days”………….
totaly agree with you. and i don’t have a middle name
1. I don’t have kids but my cats like to throw up hairballs on my bed which I think is more than gross enough.
2. My middle name is Nadine, which I’ve never been crazy about. My mom told me once that they almost used Anne as my middle name and I said I wished they had (my favorite Aunt is named Anne, which is also her middle name; she hates her given name and doesn’t use it).
3. Bronwyn as a character name sounds very familiar…what book?
How Green Was My Valley. Heartbreakingly beautiful book. One of my faves.
My middle name is Lee. My oldest daughters is also Lee because my husband insisted otherwise I would have chosen something else. So, I am Lisa Lee. I have: Melissa Lee, Alison Linsey and Hannah Elise. 🙂
I cannot thank you enough for this tip – totally worked! I love the internet 🙂