Love Forever, BELLA. Check out the rest of this blog post for more funny food journals!
I’ve always been a journal keeper. My very first journal was a plain blue number that I illustrated myself by drawing… a gigantic toilet bowl on the cover with the words MY LIFE swirling metaphorically down the hole. I was 10. Two things you should know about Young Charlotte: a) I was every bit as dramatic then as I am now but without the perspective of three decades to temper me and b) I was an excellent artist. To this day I’m impressed with that toilet. It was 3-D and everything. Another thing you should know about me: I always liked things to be ranked. Me, especially. In that first journal I ranked every day on the A-F scale. “A” being days that Tim (*sigh*) talked to me. “B” being days that Tim (*sigh*) looked in my general direction. And “F” being every other day. Seeing as Tim pretty much thought I was pond scum, there were a lot of F days. And creepy drawings of Tim. (I’m sorry Tim! Facebook me! Kidding!)
Then came middle school and I got introduced to a whole other kind of journalling. In 6th grade (6th!) my health teacher had us all keep a food journal for two weeks as part of our section on healthy eating. I still have that journal. I still cry looking at that journal. The first week showed a fairly normal pre-teen diet. But when I brought it in for a check-in my tiny size-0-even-in-90’s-sizes teacher frowned and commented, “You ate all that?!” And that was all it took*. The following week in my journal saw a drop off so steep the Grand Canyon is envious — a nosedive that my teacher commended me for with a pat on the back and an admonition to keep my grams of fat under 5 per day, like she did. (GAH THE 90’S!)
After that, my little blue toilet-journal stopped being about existential angst, boys and homework and soon turned into entries of everything I ate. But that wasn’t enough. So I started tallying fat grams and sit-ups and push-ups. That held for a few years but then I got clued in that it wasn’t just fat grams I should be worrying about – seriously, there were several years in there where I ate less than 1 gram of fat per day (it was the SweeTarts and air-popped popcorn diet) – and I added calories to the list. As the years went on I added tracking of animal products (I was a vegetarian or vegan). And then when I hit college and learned Microsoft Excel, I was in food journal heaven.
My food journals became so elaborate that I had graphs tracking macronutrients and micronutrients, meal times, portion sizes, ounces, calories, workouts, diet plans, carb cycles, calories cycles, supplements… if it could be tracked, I tracked it. By the time 20/20 found me I had literally thousands of sheets detailing everything I’d eaten, every exercise I’d done and every article I’d read about nutrition/fitness. (Now they have apps for all that. You’re welcome.) But do you know what I didn’t have in there? How I felt about any of it.
I’d completely given up writing about my dreams, my family, my achievements, my blessings and anything else that would matter 10 years down the road. Who had time to count blessings when I had to add a 27th column to break down the soluble vs. insoluble fiber in my diet? All of my life became laser focused on one thing: losing weight.
It was insane. Literally. I had lost my nut.
One of the first things I did when I started treatment for my OCD/eating disorder was give up that journal. It was absolutely terrifying at first – like a child losing their security blanket. But it wasn’t long before I was overjoyed by the freedom of living without it. I had no idea life could be this, well, simple! It was a couple more years before I found Intuitive Eating and put some more pieces of the puzzle together but no matter what, after that point, I did not go back to food journalling.
Until today.
Before anyone freaks and thinks I’m backsliding (of which I do plenty but today is not that day), this is an entirely different kind of food journal. A few weeks ago when I panicked about gaining 15 pounds in 2 months, one of the things I realized was how mindless my eating has become. Since then I’ve been doing a lot of reading up about the study of “mindfulness.” Apparently it has huge applications for depression, anxiety, and eating issues – all of which you know I struggle with. It sounds hokey when you first read about it – exercises include thinking about thinking (whoa, like meta, dude!) – but hundreds of research studies support it and when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Especially when it comes to food. We live in a society that encourages us to completely lose contact with our food while we’re eating it. It’s not uncommon for people to not even realize they’ve ingested something until they see the pile of wrappers in front of them, despite having obviously chewed and swallowed it all.
But tuning in to my food and to my eating is hard. Really hard. I’ve found myself being really resistant to it – defiantly reading a magazine or working on the computer so I don’t have to pay attention to my food. And then I have a day like today where every time I ate, I ate way past fullness. I ended every meal feeling bloated and uncomfortable and sad. Yet I still couldn’t make myself focus. So I am bringing out the big (mindful) guns: a food journal. Except this time instead of writing down all my food, I’m writing about how I feel about my food. At the end of each day I jot down how I feel overall, how I felt before, during and after eating, any physiological issues (illness, period, extra hard workout etc), any cravings, and any upsetting thoughts – all without judgement.
This isn’t an exercise in self-recrimination. Honestly I’m not exactly sure what this exercise is, exactly. I’m hoping that it will help me see some patterns. I’m guessing that a lot of this has to do with my girly hormone cycle – it’s gotten a lot more intense since getting the Mirena IUD out (which I’m going to say for now is a good thing as I think it means my actual hormones are kicking in now) – but one of the joys of hormones is that they never feel like “just hormones”. It feels really real in the moment. I’m also guessing I’ll find some more connections between my emotions and how I eat that particular day.
In the past when someone has asked me if I am an “emotional eater” my response has always been “Duh, yes! Isn’t everyone?!” I know there are some people out there who see food purely as fuel and nothing more but for the majority of us, food is intimately connected with our emotions. This isn’t a bad thing (survival 101?) but understanding the interaction would be very helpful. So that’s why I’m doing this. And, one of the great things about keeping a mindful journal is that I still get to write other stuff not just about food. (Because that’s what I need in my life is… more writing?) ANYHOW. I think this is going to be quite illuminating.
What’s your opinion on food journals? Incidentally, I’m not saying they’re bad for everyone – I know lots of people for whom they’ve been wonderful tools – just that they were bad for me. Do you keep any kind of journal? Have you ever practiced mindfulness in any aspect? Are you an emotional eater? Got any tips for me?? I’d love any advice you can give me!
*Not that I blame my teacher for my eating disorder. She wasn’t particularly kind or sensitive but, as they say, genetics loads the gun and my genetics were a fully automatic AK-57. All she did was put my finger on the trigger. [Update: Apparently the gun is an AK-47? I think I was confusing it with Heinz 57 sauce. Guns + steak sauce = Texas’ new state motto? Thanks to the two of you who loved me enough to e-mail me and correct me. No thanks to the rest of you who just snickered. Or craved steak.)
I find that food journals send me loco but an emotional journal is very beneficial. I tend to avoid it though when I’m feeling crappy (denial? Me? Never! Ok sometimes). The trick is to write about myself non-judgemental way….which I’m really crap at…..oh, I mean, I have trouble but that’s totally fine and stuff…….oh crap.
I took a great course on mindful eating in the spring, stopped food journaling, started emotional eating journaling – and gained ten pounds.
Now I am back to food journaling, although in a rather simple way, online. It is against the principles of mindful eating, but I seem to need it. I also weigh myself, which is not allowed either.
But otherwise I try to keep up with the principles of mindful eating, so I guess I have my own version of partly mindful, partly old-school eating. Right now I am happy with it, so I am sticking to it. It is my own way of balancing different principles.
For a while I kept a food journal where I counted calories and macronutrients and tried to make them fit a certain “quota”. I found it very informative and might do it again. I personally liked it, but the problem was that I had to prepare all the meals myself. Turning down a meal made by a loved one can never be a good thing!
A little bit later I decided to skip the counting part and only write down what I ate. Now I decided to let that go. I feel like I already spend way too much time thinking about food and my eating – and writing all that stuff down makes me think about it even more. So at least for the rest of the summer I think I’ll try to just be more intuitive with my eating.
Good luck with your journalling! Let us know how it goes!
I’ve always been an emotional eater and I`ve been trying to get out of this cycle of restricting and binging. What I did was take up a good exercise regime with muscle building, marathon training and dance included. Its all been in the hope that I develop a better body image and change my bad eating habits cause if you want the right muscle results you need to eat right to.
I started calorie counting, got more protein to control cravings, and kept myself occupied!
I’ve been reading you for years and love you. I have stayed silent until now because you sounded like me.
First, may I say that I did the emotional journaling. It didn’t work for me. Once again my thoughts were turned too much on myself, just like the other kinds and varieties of dieting and journaling.
Second, emotional eating is okay within reason, I think. Songs, books, movies, holidays often show that family gatherings, and expressing love are often centered on food. It is comforting and a blessing.
Third, I found it very difficult to find myself not hungry enough to eat when family dinners were on the table. Am I not suppose to eat? It never worked for me.
Fourth, if I was starving, but too busy at work to eat, what am I suppose to do? I couldn’t figure that out either. I’m a nurse and I can’t just go and eat what I most hunger for.
Finally, the French love their wonderful cuisine. I highly doubt that most worry about emotional journaling. They love to eat but their food is such high quality and I understand that they really focus on the taste, texture. But in also understand that food is quite emotional for them.
May I say Charlotte, you are beautiful and lovely through and through. Your body has put on a few pounds but you look great. I can’t tell that you have. I think in the thirties it is common to put on weight naturally but it is dispensed in different ways so you look great. Whereas that extra weight gain a few years ago might have looked more obvious on you, but not now. Just relax and smile. Life it too short and important to think about food and exercise and your emotions while eating. At least that is what I have found.
I can’t not log my foods. It is impossible. It is so ingrained in me from years of OCD weight-watching that it just is what is. In fact, Calorie Count emailed me recently to test their new interface as I was amongst the top 1% of their users! ONE PERCENT! I AM THE ONE PERCENT! haha.
I am not sold on “intuitive eating” and I will tell you why. Take the woman in the comments who did it and gained 10lbs…perhaps (no offense kind lady) the weight she is happy wearing is not synonymous with her natural appetite? And here is where IE get’s tricky. Intuitive eating removes a bit of responsibility for the eater to be mindful of quantity and quality. I could easily intuit myself into a pint of fro yo…I mean I am craving it and it sounds delicious…see? Or intuit myself to take in a macro profile that isn’t in line with my goals. I am always in the mood for fruit and it always satisfies me…but if I want to get leaner I know I need to cut back on sugar and add more protein. This is something I learned not something that comes intuitively. So in order to achieve my goals sometimes I actually have to go against my intuition. Thus, I think for people with very specific body fat and physique goals that IE won’t work.
People who can eat intuitively in my opinion are those who never struggled with weight, never had eating disorders, and aren’t particularly concerned with seeing more definition in their abs. They just eat. IE comes naturally or it doesn’t.
If you want to see changes in your body or you want to achieve your optimum, most fit physique, then I really believe you’ve got to log. And, yes, that can create a crazy mindset. And it can be dangerous for people with histories of ED…but it all sort of comes down to science in the end and science is the opposite of intuition. Right?
We wouldn’t be blogging about this kind of stuff or even thinking about it if we werent ultimately aiming to achieve something better from our bodies than what we would have if we just went through life being intuitive about food. Especially those of us who are emotional eaters.
I used fitday.com for quite a few years, before that I had made some paper forms based on the old Weight Watchers tracker that my Mom gave me copies of – you counted servings of different food groups instead of calories or points. I wouldn’t say that I ever had any significant success with any of that (though I think the counting servings of food groups was slightly better than calorie counting).
Last fall when my husband started traveling for business, I experimented with cutting out/reducing wheat & dairy – for health reasons, not weight loss. I was mainly vegetarian – from personal preference, not for weight loss. I was trying eat in a way that would be healthful for me, but that I would also enjoy. I wasn’t keeping a journal or tracking anything. Aside from restricting the wheat & dairy, I did not feel like I was depriving myself or dieting. And over 6 months I lost 6 pounds. I know 6 pounds is not a lot, but the fact that it came off without me feeling like I was putting much effort into it was huge for me.
Unfortunately, that 6 months was followed by 3 weeks where I was completely stressed and the emotional eating took over and undid all my progress. And since my husband’s traveling is over, and I’m back to menus that are influenced by my husband, it’s been really hard to get back on track.
I think that intuitive/mindful eating works if you do it the right way. I think that you can’t get too caught up in the rules (like another commenter mentioned – what if she’s busy at work and she’s hungry? The rules say you have to stop, sit and focus on your food; I say in that case you have to do what works best for you). And it doesn’t mean that you can sit down and eat a pint of ice cream because you feel like it. It means thinking about what’s right for you.
What I haven’t yet figured out is how to do it when it’s not just me that I’m feeding. I really want to get back to where I was over the winter, because I feel like it’s the only thing that has really worked for me, but I haven’t figured out how to do it when my husband is sitting there eating bread & cheese.
I think you just have to be mindful about your mindfulness. I wonder if it’s worth not only tracking how your food is making you feel but also how the exercise of food-feeling journaling is making you feel. That way if you notice yourself becoming obsessive you can head it off before it gets out of control. For me, who over-analyzes everything, mindfulness can quickly turn into overthinkingness if I’m not careful.
Funny, I just wrote about food journaling too, though I’m not doing it now myself. I’m trying to being more mindful in all areas of life, but holy crap, my brain REALLY struggles to just be and observe rather than getting lost in analysis/planning/scheming/narrating/judging.
The most frustrating times are when I think I’m being mindful, but am really just thinking about how awesome I am for being so mindful and I’m composing blog posts in my head describing how “in the moment” I am and all the steps it took to get me there and how I didn’t think it was possible and… oh crap, not AT ALL in the moment. Sigh.
Good luck, I think you’re on the right track with that kind of journaling approach!
I don’t keep a food journal per say, but on my google spreadsheet where I log my workouts, I do tally how many vegetable servings I’ve had that day. Super simple and doesn’t get crazy, but since I have struggled with eating enough veggies in the past, it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I get three or four a day .(In addition to the rest of my food!!!)
Being mindful is a great goal. Stick with it!
In my really bad ED days, I kept a food journal of every calorie I ate (even things like gum) and my weight and measurements that week. Now that I’m in therapy for it I keep an anxiety journal, where I write out my anxieties over food. Ironically, I use the same journal I used to write my food down in! Looking back at it, it’s really sad seeing how little I ate and I thought it was normal.
I find food journals make me obsessive. The thing is -I know what I’m eating so I don’t need to track things. For me it was revealing to know the calories and fat content in things to make better choices, but I don’t have problems tracking my food intake. I don’t eat or even snack mindlessly. I *do* however eat emotionally, and often for joy or even for boredom.
THAT is what I’ve been struggling with lately. As my thesis winds down I suddenly have lots of time on my hands. It was easy to keep well defined meals and snacks when there was no spare time and things had to be well planned out. Now, like this weekend, I struggle with not using that free time to sip delicious wines and make elaborate foods and then eat them. Nothing wrong with that every once in a while, but I’m quite sure that if I don’t reign myself in I could quite easily munch my way up 10 Lbs, as I’m already about 5Lb above where I’d like to be, just from crazy end of thesis lack of workout time.
For me it is more about focusing on fitting fitness into my day and keeping meals to meal times, and not making food a celebration. In the end, food is fuel. Delicious fuel.
I keep tracking even though I think it’s not the healthiest of all possible activities for me just because I am so concerned with getting enough protein to support my heavy weight training. If I were to eat intutively and not force myself to eat more protein than I actually want, sadly I’d probably survive on bagels, English muffins, peanut butter, cheese, fruit, and salad.
I think it’s really kind of you NOT to blame your health teacher for your eating disorder, because y’know, eek! What a thing to say to an insecure middle school girl or girls.
Having spent many years in Weight Watchers, I definitely keep a food journal–most of the time. I find it helps with making sure I’m meeting all my “good health guidelines” in every day and getting the nutrients I need. WW online gives you a smiley face when you check them all off and I live for smiley faces. 🙂
I really like your thought to journal how you feel about eating. My Leader said in a meeting once, “Think about how you’ll feel if you eat this, and then think about how you’ll feel if you don’t eat it.” I’ve found that just taking a moment to think about it helps me make better choices.
I think of you, often, Charlotte, and your story about finding your grandmother’s food journal. I was reminded recently that I’m raising three daughters now and I have to set a good example for them by being healthy (not crazy) with my weight loss. Trying to have a better week. but it’s hard. Hugs!
Like you, I had documented every morsel that went into my mouth and calculated every calorie sweated out from exercise with a HRM. Then I had a light bulb moment that it’s probably not normal to spend so much effort maintaining my weight this way and I read Intuitive Eating and began to food journal, but totally different than before. I jotted down my meals, but without exact measurements or servings. And I added how I felt before I ate that spoonful of peanut butter without judgment. It actually helped ease me away from my ED habits and taught me listen to my hunger/fullness cues. Probably the most useful was the pattern I saw in how tired I was in the afternoons. I haven’t been food journaling for a couple of months, but would be happy to get back to it if I felt it would help me identify patterns again. As long as you don’t judge yourself or use the journal as “proof” of your good or bad choices, it can be helpful.
I keep a food journal – I write down what I eat and what time, no calories, macros or anything. It’s helpful for me to see when I am most likely to choose a big mac instead of a chicken breast and keeps me on track so that I get the best results from my workouts. I also have never had an ED and while my weight fluctuates between fit and a little chunky, I don’t struggle emotionally with it. So what I find is a helpful tool for me may be completely destructive for others.
I found a food journal really helpful when losing weight – it was the only way I seemed to be accountable. And if I go off track and put a few pounds a food journal helps me get things back together again. However I’d quite like to wean myself off one and be accountable in my head, as they can be a pain to keep. I’ve never bothered with writing the emotions down – as when eating I am either hungry/bored or greedy ha ha.
Food journaling brings out my inner petulant 6 year-old. I immediately think “No! I don’t wanna!” when it’s time to write down my food facts. And looking at said writing makes me want to run out and buy a pie. And eat the whole thing.
Right now I’m reading “The Gabriel Method,” which uses mindfullness journaling. I like it a lot. I think it also helps that I’m focusing on the deeper stuff (the stuff that makes me overeat, among other not-so-healthy behaviors) and not just food and weight. He says in the book that “There’s a reason your body wants to be fat. Your body is trying to help: it thinks it’s protecting you.” Which makes perfect sense to me. So when I figure out all the stuff I haven’t been dealing with and then, well, deal with it, I believe that not only will the weight come off, but the anxiety and depression will dissipate, as well.
Win-win!
I really want to punch your health teacher. Ugh. That said, I like food journals, but I also like ignoring my food journal when appropriate. (Free key lime pie celebrations at work are an appropriate occasion for ignorance.)
Mindfulness, eh? My mind is already so full, I don’t think I can fit anything else in there!
No but seriously. I can see both sides of this coin, and unfortunately I really don’t know what to say about which side I fall. Great and thought-provoking post, per usual!
Charlotte,
I lost 50 lbs. roughly four years ago, and did it through intuitive eating. I didn’t give a name at the time; I was pregnant and just wanted to forget all the bs I’d been putting myself through for so long. No more yo-yo dieting, no more silent self-hate (okay, maybe not hate, but some slightly less harsh variation), and get back to the basics. To the way I had eaten as a child, in the days of my God-given 6-pack and monstrously fast metabolism.
So I did, through not denying myself anything but being aware of portion size. What I’ve learned is this: I am a born rebel. And no, I don’t mean the sex, drugs, rock & roll kind of rebel, but the kind that doesn’t like people telling me what to do.
Not even myself.
As soon – and I can’t stress this enough! – as SOON as I tell myself to stop eating a certain food, after a certain time of day, or Heaven-forbid, try a diet to lose a quick couple pounds, it only take an hour and half and that is the only thing I want, want to do, or can not do!
I will overeat whatever it is I try to restrict till the cows come home, nearly the moment I restrict it.
So I can’t do that, and I’ve learned to be patient with myself and my body. If I put on a few pound, chances are that even though my body may not have needed it, my soul probably did. And if it takes twice as long to take if off than in took to put it on, then that’s what I have to let happen in order to take care of myself. Physically and Emotionally.
I hope you figure it out, soon. I’ll be praying for you, mama!
~Kari @ DreamingInTheRealWorld.blogspot.com
“My Top 10 Reasons to Work Out as a Family, Part: 1”
http://dreamingintherealworld.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-top-reasons-towork-out-as-family.html
I HATE typos and grammatical errors so much! If it wasn’t so late or so dark in my room, I’d have caught those before posting!
So I had kind of an insight a few years ago that I think relates to this… It involved fasting for religious reasons- my church was doing a week-long fast and encouraged anyone who wanted to get closer to god to participate. But only a few people were fasting from food- many picked something else in their life that distracted them (such as Facebook, tv, or all technology) and fasted from that. We were instructed to spend the time we would’ve spent doing that activity focused on god instead. And I realized something- back in biblical times when (food) fasting was a common practice, peoples’ lives revolved around procuring and preparing food. There was no convenience food. So periods of fasting provided families the time to sit still and focus on god.
Today we have so much leisure time (time not spent meeting basic needs of food and shelter) that we pack it full of discretionary activities and feel “busy”. But what if our psyches were NEVER meant to have an abundance of instantly-obtainable food?
I used to be a world-class emotional eater, but when I gave up all packaged/processed food, it simply resolved. Not because my emotions changed, but because there was now so much work involved in procuring and preparing fresh food that the immediate gratification aspect was completely removed. I was back in (what I am thinking must be) a more “natural” human state- where food is not something that can be taken for granted and consumed mindlessly. Where the actual eating of the food is an anti-climatic tail end of a long process of hunting/gathering/growing the food and then preparing it (our modern kitchens have only been around for a blink of an eye in terms of human history.)
Anyway, just a thought I had. That our relationship with food was irrevocably altered when we were not required to spend the majority of our time and energy simply getting enough to eat. Not just our physical relationship with it, but our emotional one as well.
You know me Charlotte – to each their own. I think a combo journal of not only what we are eating but when & why & how we feel when we eat it – meaning adding that emotional aspect to it as you journal can be helpful to some – knowing how they feel when they go to eat something.
For others – those that really just underestimate what they eat & they say they don’t get why they are not losing or even gaining – this will tell ya.. BUT YES, if you have eating disorders, it is something you might want to discuss with a professional or find other ways to keep tract & understand what you are eating each day….
I feel as though I have to chime in because as a woman who is currently attempting to lose 25+ lbs after having 3 kids in about 5 yrs, I have started using the weight watchers interface to log my food. Essentially, food journaling. Some days I like it, and then other days, I think it makes me completely obsessive about what I am eating. Some days I literally just get tired of thinking about food. Once I get a little more aware of healthy portions, smart food choices (which aren’t all THAT intuitive, I’ve found), I’ll probably stop the tracking of every single bite. I strive to be more present during the eating process by chewing slower, tasting food, enjoying the people/or peace and quiet!!!!…. Currently, just about everything I eat is practically inhaled (3 kids!!!) which leads to eating more than I need, not feeling like I got to enjoy it (so I make up for it with something ultimately gewy and unhealthy later) etc…..I also AM very much an emotional eater. My oldest child is extremely difficult and I find that after a bout with him, my heart is racing, and I want to break down and cry, instead, I down a handful of chocolate chips or Doritos. It’s the worst habit ever but, it’s something I’ve noticed. I’m really not sure how to stop it other than to just not keep any of my weaknesses in the house! Depriving the whole family too! Oh well! I am new to your blog, but I’ll be back. Good luck on your journey as we’re all on one.
I just want to be the kind of person who can eat and then move on with their day, not feeling guilty for whatever they eat. I started food journaling about four or five years ago to keep my calories in check. I don’t always write everything down but I always have a mental tally going, along with the thought “you’re eating too much”. I hate it. I think I would probably eat less if I wasn’t so worried about not eating too much! I have tried keeping an emotional eating diary with the what, why, when, feelings, etc…but it seems that makes me even more crazy! Right now I am trying to listen to my body and eat when hungry, stop when full. It’s frustrating because I am always hungry (breastfeeding and weight loss is a myth). So when I keep track of what I eat it’s like the journal us telling me the same thing your gym teacher told you (what kind of cruel person says that anyway?)
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I think food journaling is a good way of staying on track with maintaining healthy weight. However, you can get easily obsessed with it and overlook other crucial elements of a successful weight loss plan, such as diet and exercise programmes. Speaking of the latter, I recently started using Beachbody workout DVDs (got them from http://www.beachbody.co.uk) and I must say I’ve almost forgotten about food journaling. They make me feel a lot more positive about losing weight than food journaling once did.
I really make my own food journal as well. When I am taking my diet plan and I got a good progress, I make sure to put all the improvements on my diet on my journal. In fact, it can really help a lot to maintain the weigh loss that I have made. So, I think it is good to have this food journal.
So I read this post when you first wrote and something kept bugging me about it. I couldn’t figure it out and so I prayed. For awhile. And now I’m back. Better late than never and it’s entirely possible you never read this.
I found this article I really enjoyed, and I am copying and pasting it here.
“Imagine if I encouraged you to apply mindful blinking.
Before you blink, I would like to register the fact that you are about to blink. Then recognize that it is o.k. to blink, that the body has determined it is needed to keep the cornea moist and just be aware that you are about to blink and this will help you to avoid feeling panic that you have indeed blinked, after the fact.
That entire paragraph sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn’t it? And yet, look at how it supposedly makes sense when I replace the word “blink” with “eat”.
Before you eat, I would like to register the fact that you are about to eat. Then recognize that it is o.k. to eat, that the body has determined it is needed to keep the body going and just be aware that you are about to eat and this will help you to avoid feeling panic after the fact, that you have indeed eaten.”
I think your body is smarter than you are and I think trying to reflect on your eating is not addressing the true issue. I think that you are afraid of weight gain. Which we all are to some extent, but those without ED’s, it isn’t as horrifying. I think gaining 15 pounds is fine, I think gaining 30 is fine. It doesn’t matter. Because if it’s truly your ideal weight, you will always always always go back to it.
I feel like my post is harsh and also really none of my business. I just always keep you in my prayers and I just felt compelled to post this. Please know that I love reading your posts and I am inspired by all you have conquered
Actually Erin, I found your post neither harsh nor “none of your business”. For better or for worse, I’ve kind of made my business everyone else’s business by putting it out there and I understand that. I’m also very comforted by the fact that you’ve been praying for me – I really appreciate that! And last thing, before I start sounding too sappy all up in here, I’m grateful that you care enough about me to try and help me get better.
So now, an update: I never really did run with this one. I wanted to do it, thought it was a good idea and then (like so many of my good ideas) ran out of time and I didn’t really follow through. I think the thought process was still helpful though as I’ve since (I think!) discovered a link between my food and my panic attacks. I’ve been 2 weeks now without even so much a flutter of anxiety, much less an attack which for me is nothing short of a miracle.
You mentioned that I’m afraid of gaining weight and I’d definitely agree with that. I think a lot of us are – it’s hard to be laissez faire about weight for anyone in our culture. But, at least for now, I’m MORE terrified of having a panic attack than of gaining weight. Neither are awesome prospects but the panic outshadows everything else at this point.
Last, I do agree with you that every body has a natural weight it likes to be at when it’s treated well and with respect. I think part of why my weight has gone up is that I have NOT been treating it well the past few months and that is what I’m responding to. I’ve gotten better (going to bed earlier, moderate exercise, lots of water etc) these past 3 weeks or so and I feel like it’s helping a lot. I actually don’t think I’ve lost or gained any weight. I’m not sure since I haven’t weighed myself since this and have no plans to do so again as it makes me crazy in the head;)
Anyhow, I hope this helps settle things somewhat for you and I appreciate your concern, your prayers and taking the time to comment! Love you!!
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Although I’ve never had issues with my weight I’m interested in food for health reasons. I’m mainly looking for the information on the internet and came across with this article quite accidentally http://www.pitchvision.com/precison-cricket-nutrition. It sums up all my believes about nutrition nicely. Though it could be useful… Wish you the greatest success in combatting your eating disorder.
Eating small portions more often (every three hours) is much better than eating three large meals a day, based on my experience.