See, some people love swimming so much they can have someone’s foot in their nethers and still feel like performing The Flower Drum Song/Waterworld mashup.
Either you’re a swimmer or you’re not. False dichotomy though it may be, there is an easy test to see which camp you fall in. When someone tells you, “Let’s swim half a mile.” do you answer, “Sure! It only takes me 4 or 5 minutes to run a half mile so this should be a piece of cake!”? If so, you are not a swimmer. If you answer, “How far is a half mile? Like… 10 laps?” you are not a swimmer. If you even think, “Are goggles and a swim cap really mandatory? ‘Cause the former make my eyes bulge like Marty Feldman and the latter is just ugly.” then you are not a swimmer. (Although you are wicked good with your ’80’s movie trivia!)
If you just snap your goggles into place, jump into the pool with nary a whimper about the cold and start stroking, then you are a swimmer.
I don’t think I even need to tell you which camp I fall into. My first pool workout with the Gym Buddies went swimmingly – you knew that was coming! – all the way up to the point where we actually got in the water. Our Y being, well, our Y, naturally there were no lanes open for actual swimming as they prefer to keep 99% of the pool available for elderly aquatics classes that oddly resemble square dancing in slow motion. So we were banished to the “leisure pool” where we did a pool workout that I got from Fitness magazine. It was ridiculously easy. We tried everything we could to get our hearts pumping but instead we ended up comparing our pedicures while sculling in random circles around the pool. (Gym Buddy Megan’s toenails were a classic red, mine were a zombie-esque blue and Allison’s were naked, poor thing. Knowledge you needed; you’re welcome.)
Since Gym Buddy Megan is training for a sprint triathlon that includes a half-mile open water swim clearly pedi-sculling and otter-rolling over a beach ball (which is awesome fun, by the way) were not going to cut it. So we did what we had to do and started swimming some laps. In the 3-foot leisure pool. It only took two laps before the old folks attacked.
“You’re not allowed to swim in the swimming pool!” yelled a white-haired gent without a trace of irony.
“Yeah,” chimed in a woman who was obviously very invested in keeping her bouffant dry, “this is a LEISURE pool.”
“Well I happen to find this very leisurely,” Allison explained sweetly as we backstroked around them like some sort of rogue synchronized swimming team taking hostages.
The next day we were back in the pool again but for real this time. There was one lane open for lap swimming and we intended to use the heck out of it. No matter that it was already occupied by three other women which would make six of us in one lane. We optimistically snapped on our goggles (I borrowed mine from my eight-year-old – I’m Batman!) and plunged in.
“So… half a mile,” I said. “How far is that exactly?”
“I dunno,” Allison replied. “Let’s ask the lifeguard.”
“Do you mean a swimmer’s mile or a land mile?” he asked in return.
Allison started to answer but I interrupted her with, “Whichever one is shorter.”
After giving me a long considering look as if to decide whether to address me as an adult or the child I was acting like, he answered, “A swimmer’s mile is 35 laps.” (Another way to tell you are not a swimmer is to be unaware of the controversy surrounding how far a swimmer’s mile actually is. There is calculus involved.)
We sighed with relief. “We can swim down this thing 35 times, no problem!” Allison chirped.
“You do know that a ‘lap’ means down and back, right?” he added.
No, sir. No we did not know that. (I must point out here that Megan did, in fact, know this but she was not there at this juncture and so it was just Allison and I, as clueless as one can be in Batman goggles.)
“Okay, we got this. We just have to swim down there 70 times!”
“No, wait,” I pointed out, “we have to halve that!”
“So…. that’s…” Crickets.
“Half of 70 is 35. And half of 30 is 15 plus 4 which is… 19!” I announced erroneously.
“I thought it was 18,” Allison said, also wrong. (Why oh why did they have to pick an odd number?)
“Why didn’t we just ask the lifeguard for a half a mile in the first place?”
“Well we can’t ask him now. He already thinks we’re idiots.”
“We are idiots.”
“Let’s just start swimming and see how far we can get, ok?”
We made it four laps before we were clutching the side of the pool and gasping for breath. I will tell you this: In five years of trying every conceivable workout I have never been so close to vomiting as I was in that moment. There are workouts and then there is swimming. It was a gut-wrenchingly, head-to-toe achingly, can’t-breathe-for-at-least-3-life-threatening-reasons brutal workout. For the first time I understood why people watch the Summer Olympics for events other than gymnastics.
I was ready to be done. But Megan was already off like a fish, ahead of us by 10 laps or so, and Allison was on a mission. We pressed on for the full half mile. (-ish, my counting got a little garbled. Turns out I can’t even do basic math when my Batman goggles turn out to be complete duds and yet I have to drive home so I can’t lose a contact thereby forcing me to swim with my head out of the water the entire time making me almost as ridiculous as the Bouffant Lady.)
The next day I was sore everywhere, just like several of you warned me I would be. The strangest part was that I was most sore right under each butt cheek, where my leg joins my derriere. Who knew I even had a muscle there?! The worst effect though was – heaven help me – the Gym Buddies freaking loved it. LOVED IT.
Sensing lap workouts long after August ends, I broke down and bought a decent pair of goggles. I still hate swimming. But I hate it a little less than I used to. Plus, I have to admire a workout that brutal. It never has gotten much easier for me – every swimming workout feels like choreographed drowning – but I did love how it made me feel when we finished.
Are you a swimmer? Have you ever done a triathlon? And if so – be honest now – did you pee in the lake?!
LOL, great account!! You *knew* I’d chime in here! Four years ago I couldn’t swim a lap without tremendous difficulty and now I’m triathlon-ing my “butt off”. I swam 4500 y straight (90 laps) for my 45th birthday in March. There’s hope for all but it’s best to have some help and a trained eye on your technique. Swimming is simultaneously rewarding and deeply frustrating since it is so technique driven, much more so than bike/run.
Yes, Charlotte, I can tell you most everyone pees (nerves) in the lake…and even IN the wetsuit in the lake. But remember, we are a group that will also pee ON the bike in a race if we have to!
This: “But remember, we are a group that will also pee ON the bike in a race if we have to!” more than anything is probably the most compelling reason for me to try a Tri;)
This is funny! Yes, I am a swimmer. I was one of those that learned how to swim before I learned how to walk. I love it, but don’t do it as much due to the time it takes. I started doing triathlons because it had less running and more swimming. (Well, “more” in comparison to no swimming in half-marathons…. haha!) I actually prefer open water swimming to pool swimming. With some good instruction you could really improve your stroke. With the correct stroke swimming becomes “easier.”
During high school swim practice we would pull pranks on our teammates when practicing starting from the diving boards. Once a friend would start we would joke “was the water warm?” just to convince them they dove into some pee….. I never actually peed but I’m sure some other swimmers did. yikes!
I was briefly on the diving team (not because I was any good but because they were desperate for people) and the pranks played by the swimteam were legendary!!
I swam in high school. I was never super fast (particularly in the long distances, sprints were more my thing) but I’ve always loved swimming. Post that though I never really got into swimming for a workout. These days I have long curly hair that I have to wash in the morning before work and I hate going to bed with wet hair so the logistics are tricky but beyond that I guess I’ve never felt like I get the same intensity workout as I do in like TurboKick or something. And swimming definitely doesn’t make me sore so I feel like I didn’t get as good a workout. Hmmm.
I just had to comment. Swimming is the one sport that favors those of us with more body fat. I swam a mile first time out this year. I couldn’t run a mile right now, but swimming a mile is easy peasy. Part of the reason you had a hard time is that you need to work to keep your body above water where as I have been known to fall asleep floating on my back.
Haha! Christine, I love your comment – I was a swimmer in high school, and yes, body fat does keep us afloat! It helps to regulate your breath too, inflated lungs make you float – try drowning an inflated beach ball!
haha very interesting point! It makes sense. Although when you say you fall asleep floating on your back I keep picturing the cute fuzzy otters at the zoo:)
Every time I mention that I need to find something new since I can’t marathon anymore, the first thing anyone says is “Swim laps!”. UGH! Don’t gt me wrong, I love to swim and have since I was a toddler and my father threw me into Lake Michigan for my first lesson, HOWEVER, swimming laps is mind-numbingly boring! Plus all that sharing a lane with someone who is über excited to be doing their laps….I’d rather have a root canal. I have no problem swimming along the coastline in a lake or the ocean, which are pretty scarce here in north Texas, but I will not swim laps in a pool. Which means I’m still looking for some form of physical activity that does not involve running. Yup, it’s down to me and the dog walking around the neighborhood cheering up all the elderly people who now wait for us to walk past.
Lake Michigan!! Brrrr… I love me a good walk:)
I used to do triathlons, but the training took up way too much time as opposed to just running. The swimming was NEVER my favorite. I too had to swim in the Y pool and I too know those floating icebergs called Ladies and yes, it’s their lake! I couldn’t even pool run outside my tiny box of a water section without a rain of nasty looks and whistles from the life guard who also did NOT know how long a mile is in the pool. Eventually, I could flip turn and swam 45 minutes 5 days a week- but I never got fast at swimming, the chlorine never did any favors for my hair, and my permanent indents of goggle face got old! I swam in the ocean here too- but it’s freezing and there are other things swimming in there that I NEVER want to meet. I stopped trialthons and well, I haven’t swam for exercise since. Maybe I would like it again, it has been 4 years. Then again…..I am NOT a swimmer 🙂 I am a runner!
” but it’s freezing and there are other things swimming in there that I NEVER want to meet.” This made me laugh!
This cracked me up. When I was in the Navy, we had a choice of swimming 1/2 mile or jogging 1 1/2 miles (both timed events). Our proctor kept saying that an outstanding on the swim wasn’t the same as an outstanding on the run. After we’d all swum, we made her get in the pool and do some laps. She cried uncle fairly quickly. I do agree that it gets easier with practice, but the key is you do have to practice to get a decent time and yes, body fat helps. I’ve done a couple of Danskin sprint triathlons. Of course we pee in the lake. You get up at the crack of dawn, drink caffeine, wait forever to jump into the water, and by then you have to pee! I hate the county pools ever since they instituted “circle swim” in those lanes reserved for lap swimming. They think up to 5 people can share a lane. I drive in D.C. traffic every day. I don’t need traffic in my downtime. Thus, no desire to swim in those conditions. People behind you trying to swim on top of you, while people ahead of you are churning up the lane.
Oh I’d do the 1 1/2 run for sure, lol!!
Fantastic retelling! Oh my, you got my laughing… “choreographed drowning”… what a perfect description.
I am NOT a swimmer, either. I can run, and run, and run, and run, but put me in water and it’s all I can do to stay afloat. I hear it’s a great workout though. Maybe I should take lessons??
I love swimming. I admit i try and use flippers because I’m the slowest swimmer ever, but back when my knee was really bad I used to swim twice a week and I miss it. I am tempted to take proper lessons so my form is better and likely I’d speed up a bit. It was a hard overall workout but you don’t get hot..which I love about it.
Ugh. Swimming. I’ve tried swimming laps at the pool this summer and I’ve decided I hate it. It’s hard, I feel like I swallow half the pool, and my stomach always hurts afterward.
I really want to do a triathlon but since I can’t stand the pool I wonder if that will ever happen.
Yeah and I’ve heard that open water swimming is much harder (a big reason why I haven’t done a tri lol!)
I’m not really a swimmer, but I swam on a team in middle school (during the summer) and loved it. I’d say relative to the average population I’m a better swimmer than runner (I’m a freaking slow runner) but I haven’t done a lot of swimming as an adult because it takes so much more prep time than just going out for a run. But I think it is so good for you, so I’m going to try and start again! PS: I’m incredibly impressed you were able to do a half mile your first swim – my insanely fit husband made it about 5 laps before almost passing out his first time. I promise technique makes a huge difference – try doing some reading on line and look for youtube videos on good form. You can swim twice as far with the same effort, I swear.
“You can swim twice as far with the same effort, I swear.” I really really want to believe you! I’ll check it out! (And btw, while Megan and Al pretty much swam the whole half mile, I took a lot of breaks to hang on the side of the pool. I finished but I seriously felt like I was going to die. I didn’t do it with any grace, lol!)
What stroke were you doing for the laps? Did you mix it up?
Thanks!
I did. Megan mostly switched between freestyle and backstroke. I did those plus a lot of breast stroke and side stroke. Whatever it took, lol…
I love swimming! The only thing I regret about our recent move is the loss of access to a beautiful pool.
That we shared with 200 other residents, so swimming laps could be…challenging.
I keep telling myself I’m going to work on my freestyle form. My gym has a pool, so maybe I’ll indulge in a few lessons.
I love your decsriptions! “You can’t swim in the swimming pool!”. ROFL!
Have to defend water fitness! Done correctly, it’s a kick-butt workout, especially deep water. If the instructors aren’t enforcing proper exercise and the participants are only there for a ‘swish bath’, the problem lies with the pool director/group fitness manager. I have never worked anywhere where there weren’t lap lanes set aside for the swimmers (or a separate pool – ideal for proper water temps for the very different activities). Also, the class participants should not have been allowed to talk to you all like that – respect across the board!
Oh I agree! I’m so glad you wrote this comment. I have done some water classes (kettlebells in the pool – woot!) that were butt kickers. We just weren’t able to figure it out on our own, lol. I’d love to try more of those type of classes…
I like swimming laps, but I had an odd experience a number of years ago. Our pools here in Canada are mostly 25 metres long (a metre is about 3 inches longer than a yard–sorry, more math), and I know exactly how many strokes I have to do to cover that distance–it gets to be automatic if you swim a lot. While at a conference in the U.S., I decided to do a workout in the local university pool, which was 25 yards long, and I kept running into the wall because the distance was shorter than I was used to by a couple of strokes. It was weird.
I like swimming after a run because it uses different muscles and moving through water relaxes me.
I am NOT a swimmer, but I did my first tri this summer. Did not pee in the lake, but I did cry and almost vomit in the lake. See earlier re: NOT a swimmer.
Oh wow. I’m so sorry! But I”m guessing I’d be right there with you…
I am a Swimmer with a capital “s”. It helps that I grew up in Arizona, where every neighborhood has a pool and every kid is on a summer swim team. I swam in my first meet when I was 6. Now I’m on a Masters team at my local Y. I’ve never done a triathlon (mainly because I am NOT a runner (I get injured every time I try to start running so I’ve decided the universe is trying to tell me something)), but last year I did my first open-water swim. I swam 1 mile at a Rhode Island beach to raise money for cancer. It was a lot of fun and now every time we go to the beach in the summer, I try to get in a half hour swim. I think most everyone has his or her thing, and my thing is swimming. It’s the one sport I can unabashedly claim I’m good at.
First – congrats on the huge achievement!! And for charity too! I love it.
Second – Should I admit that I lived in Arizona for a while? Apparently the swimming didn’t rub off on me;)
I love reading your funny/inspiring/clever posts every day at work during my lunch break. I like Kelly above am (well I guess you should say was as I retired last year after college) a major swimmer from the time I was little through college in Minnesota. The funny thing is I feel ya on the disdain for it! I always said swimming is a very twisted sport because just about 99% of the time you are doing something that really stinks but then there is the other 1% (like when you go a best time) that is so mind-numbingly euphoric you just have to keep at it. When you are forcing yourself to hop into that frigid pool, swim back and forth and back and forth until you want to die and then smell like chlorine all day afterwards just remember it really is worth it! I promise you will find something perhaps something tiny that you love about swimming. I love reading your blog, good luck in the pool!
p.s. I always peed in the pool, one of the pluses of a water sport 🙂 lovely I know…
Haha – thanks for the encouragement! And yay for another Minnesotan!
Wait, what?
Oh, US measures. I hate to sound xenophobic but seriously. Every time I seem to have a handle on how America measures things there’s something like “Oh, and a mile is a different length on land then in water. Obviously.” Only last week a recipe book cheerfully informed me that volume measures (which are ALREADY a silly way to give quantities!) are different for wet and dry ingredients? is this even true? How does it not drive you flat plain MAAAAAD?
Ahem. Sorry about the rant. Anyway I am bored to tears by swimming lengths but do it anyway. Open sea is more fun because the waves make things a bit interesting and the salt makes it easier to float.
Hahah I TOTALLY agree with you. As a former chem/math teacher I can attest that metric makes so much more sense. I’ve long wished the US would ditch our bizarre system of weights and measures. Rant away, girl!
Two things: I have a love/hate thing with swimming, but the love afterwards outweighs the bad AND I absolutely pee in the lake, on the bike and, haven’t yet, but would also on the run!
I don’t know how to swim so I am really amazed with your swimming workout. Looking it I think it is not easy.,,
1.) i swim, but i would not consider myself a “swimmer.” the hubby more qualifies for that. i am sloooooow.
2.) i have, and number 12 is coming up on august 5th! the intention is ironman 2013. i’m at the point where i know i’ll make the swim cut with time; i’m just worried about the BOREDOM.
3.) god yes. our wetsuits constantly have the vague smell of urine about them. i recently e-mailed the wetsuit company about this … and they said that you can try wetsuit shampoos or just deal with it like everybody else. but peeing in the lake actually helps you warm up for a moment, as gross as it sounds.
1) You qualify in my book!
2) I can sympathize a little with the boredom issue – I have the same problem with marathons (even though they’re way shorter!)
3) I feel so educated now!
I. Love. You. I was born a swimmer, swam, dove and competed in state synchronized swimming competitions until I was 17, then I was a lifeguard and swimming instructor for 5 years. Swimming and Roller Skating are where I’m at my best. Roller Derby and the 200 fly have been my best sports to date. With the exception of the still swollen and a little sore scar from my Roller Derby Dodge ball 1st ever broken bone and subsequent surgery. LOL While I would scream and cry to run 3 blocks right now, I am still capable of swimming
Am in AWE of everything you do. That’s all.
a 500 free without hesitation. (Despite my vice of smoking almost a pack of cigarettes a day) *commence preaching if you must* I’ve been on a fairly strict no training or physical activity order for 65 days now and just got my release to skate today. While it’s not clearance for Derby, it’s the first step back to normal. When we finally meet, I’ll have to get you in the pool and doing dome synchronized swimming. 😉
Oh my goodness, I’ve been a long time lurker, but this post brought me out of lurksville. 🙂 I LOLed all the way through your latest post. I got the bright idea to try triathlons in the spring. I’ve run for several years, and biking has come easily, but swimming… I cannot belieeeeeve how difficult it is to learn to swim (I just started in April). And then to try and do that in open water? I swim like a lead anvil being chased by Godzilla every time I get into an open body of water. I might as well be swimming the width of the earth with the Marianas Trench beneath me, I’m so tense. (Several phobias collide for me when I’m in the open water. And that’s why I’m 42 and just now trying to conquer one of my greatest fears.) Anyway, one of my fitness goals is to swim 800m in open water someday. I’m not a swimmer… yet.
” I swim like a lead anvil being chased by Godzilla” Best analogy ever!!! And seriously – huge kudos to you for tackling this! !
I am a swimmer!! Swam high school varsity 7th grade thought 11. Then decided to concentrate on club swimming so I could work towards national cuts. If you ever want help to improve your stroke an make it “easier” let me know. I coached USS swimming for 5 years in college since my college did not have a swim team. Turbo, tabata are amazing workouts that are so super fun but swimming can kick your south pole. I do appreciate the great humor in you article. I was rolling because as a swimmer we can point out the non-swimmers before you even get in the pool. Thanks for making my night.
I LOVE swimming! After doing swim team for 6 yrs. and now being a life guard, I guess it comes naturally, but I’ve never been able to understand how someone could not enjoy swimming! But I’m definitely not a runner or a biker so I’m not sure I’d enjoy a triatholon
I love to swim- but I hate sharing lanes. I like to do ladders sessions to get the heart rate up:
50m slow
50 fast
50 slow
100 fast
50 slow
150 fast
50 slow
100 fast
50 slow
50 fast
50 slow
(fast and slow are relative terms:)
You are so amazing Sara. I hope I see you swimming. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to swim.
Ha! You’re bringing back memories. I was an All-City swimmer in high school and fondly remember two-a-days and 5am practices before class, where I would sit smelling like chlorine and dozing off. What I loved though was when big tough football players would complain about their practices and how easy swimming was, only to be challenged and get their ass kicked in the pool. Swimming workouts are like nothing else out there–so different than running or weights. I wish I could do them again…just in a much more leisurely manner.
I loved your story, and yes, good goggles are a must 😉
I actually started swimming about three weeks ago to train for my first triathlon (which is this Saturday, eek!) and I was terrified at first. Like, I had this belief that I was the worst swimmer in the world and that I was going to drown in the gulf. (I was raised in Utah so that’s prat of why I was so afraid.) So you can imagine my utter shock when I found after a week or so that not only did I really enjoy swimming (both laps and open water) but that I was halfway decent at it, too! I mean, I’m nowhere near good but I don’t suck either. I guess this is one sport where it helps to be tall with big hands and broad shoulders.
So now after three weeks I can swim more than 440 yards in the pool without stopping, and I can swim a half-mile in the gulf, period. Plus I can now swim out to the buoys, which is also huge. Anyway, my point is that I pretty much love to swim now even though last month I thought I was terrible at it.
Don’t give up! You’ve heard the old saying before, practice makes perfect. To help you perfect your swimming, check out some swimming actionplans from moteevate.com. They have easy actionplans with simple trackers, like this one http://moteevate.com/actionplan/2146/sports/swimming/log-my-swimming, where you can log your swimming. Also, there are tutorial videos that show you just how to do the perfect breaststroke.
Wow, lots of swimmers here. I am NOT one. I sink. I mean, literally. It’s a genetic thing, apparently – I always thought it was just me, but when I brought it up at a family party just a few weeks ago, all my siblings chimed in (and I have lots, and they’re all athletic) that they sank too! I, like my siblings, know how to swim, and can theoretically do it, but it takes about ten times more effort than for non-sinking people.
I have a really wimpy reason for not swimming:
It takes the pink right out of my hair, quelle horreur!
I just can’t have that, Charlotte.
Tres NON.
I swim like a rock!
I’m with you charlotte! Swimming sucks! I’m currently trying to get into the habit of swimming once a week. I’m up to 10 laps (there are back 10x wink) but it’s hell. It’s boring, but I’m doing it to support my husband and because I need to cross train! I’m hoping it’s something you learn to love… wonder if there is a ‘swimmers high’?
Love this post! I was a swimmer in high school although was more just ‘average for a good swimmer, and good for the average swimmer’ so not too fancy. Although I did go the full lifeguard, swim instructor, aquatics minor route. Swimming is very technique driven – and the biggest thing to get under control is your breathing. Once you get that down you will be amazed how much farther you can go and how much better it feels. A bunch of friends from my gym are training for a tri together and I am helping lead the swim portion – it has been fun and I am really enjoying helping everyone conquer their fears and frustrations. Hang in there – it does get easier!
oh and wanted to add – while open water swimming can be more challenging with the waves and such – some people enjoy it more than the pool and can swim longer than if they are counting laps. Kind of like how running can be easier around the neighborhood instead of on the track or treadmill. Also – if you wear a wetsuit it will help with your buoyancy which makes it a lil easier! If you are considering a tri – I HIGHLY recommend the Danskin women’s tris. They are amazing! My first one was in Pleasant Prairie, WI (just north of Chicago). The environment is amazing and you will see all skill levels, all bike types, all body types. And they have swim angels who are there if you get nervous in the water and they all have noodles if you need them! 🙂
I do ejoy the more leisurely swim than the actual working swim. Also, I like to swim in depths where a foot can touch the ground with my head above water at all times if necessary.
And finally some cute swim caps: http://www.headcovers.com/t/swim-caps/swim-caps/169/169/?gclid=CMm8jevRwrECFYao4Aod1BQAnQ
“Choreographed drowning” – bahahahahaha I just guffawed out loud.
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I think this is very nice swimming workout yet I don’t know if I can do this workout. I don’t have talent in dancing in the pool.
Loved your post!! I’ve been a swimmer all my life, but switched to running about a year and a half ago. Since I have a young daughter I figured it would be much easier to just “slip away” for a half hour or hour while my Hubs can watch her. Even though I’ve run a handful of 5ks, I’m about to switch back to swimming, I’m sorry to say (after i run the upcoming Oktobrew 5k). I don’t know why, but I always feel terrible while running and can’t wait for it to be over. If I’m outdoors, I have to have constant music, and if I’m on the treadmill, I can’t stop clock-watching. Whereas when I swim, I need no music at all, and 1 1/2 hours flies right by! I definitely do all my swimming in a pool, and somehow my mind keeps busy counting my intervals–I do like 10 sets of 100s, on 1:45, then 5X200s free, then revolving IMs, etc. I never just swim a mile or X yards. Somehow, I can’t replicate this with running….I guess maybe your dichotomy wasn’t so false after all!! : )
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