I used to believe in fairies. Truly I did. I loved the whole bit – unicorns, wizards, sprites and talking cauldrons – long past the age when it was acceptable. It wasn’t just that I wanted it to be true; it’s that I needed it to be true. I wanted to be ethereal, beautiful, powerful (and able to fly, let’s be honest) and I believed that the only way that would ever happen was if magic really existed. So I drew illusory pictures, wrote fantastical stories, wore elaborate hand-made costumes and playacted it every chance I got. Except for me it wasn’t acting. It was the only time I felt real. Reality was the shadowland.
This is why I was crying last Saturday.
***
“Would we have been friends in high school?” Strangely this question has come up quite a bit lately. Whether it’s because I’ve finally reached the age where everyone wants to relive their glory days or because we all want our own reality show and being 16 (or acting like it) seems to be the fastest way there, I have had the what-kind-of-person-were-you-in-high-school convo at least a dozen times in the past month.
My answer? Probably not.
It’s the truth. The school years were not very kind to me. I was spit on, called names, pushed around, prank called, had doors slammed in my face and in one memorable moment had an entire lunch tray complete with sloppy joes upended purposely into my backpack. I don’t want to make it sound like I was horrifically bullied – so many others have had it far worse than I did – but the constant little digs were enough to make me hate life and, sadly, hate myself. Eventually I learned to cop one of those classic teen “I don’t care what you think about me” attitudes as a method of self protection but I don’t know that anyone much believed it. I certainly didn’t. I always cared what they thought of me, even when it was the football players yelling numbers at the girls walking down the hall to describe their hotness quotient and I got… a two. At least I wasn’t a one?
I did everything I could then to take myself out of the game – I went goth, vegetarian and depressed. I took a lot of art classes and wore combat boots. I dated boys ten years older than me. But it didn’t work. I was so terribly insecure that it turned into a vicious cycle. I was insecure because I didn’t have many friends and I didn’t have many friends because I lacked confidence. Insecurity is a cancer and the only people who are attracted to that are those who share that sucking chest wound or those who want to use it against you. It didn’t help that high schoolers are particularly adept at sniffing it out.
I wish I could say that losing the dorky glasses (you know, just like in the movie! The one where the ugly girl is magically transformed by contacts and a brow wax! Because we all believed Rachel Leigh Cook was hideous…), moving far far away and accomplishing some pretty cool things fixed all that. But if any of you were also at the bottom of the pecking order in school then you know how hard it is to shake those feelings. The voices have a way of sticking in your head. I didn’t get that job because I’m stupid. That man snapped at me because I’m ugly. Why did I ever think trying this was a good idea? I always fail! I’m soooo faaaatttt!
Insecurity has led me to make some the worst choices of my life: staying too long in an abusive relationship, giving up a scholarship I really wanted, having eleventeen different eating disorders and dying my hair red for years even though it looked horrible on me. But the effect of insecurity on myself that I like least is how much I still seek other people’s approval, still need outside validation and what I’ll do to get it – a losing proposition since no one, no matter how well intended, will ever be able to externally fill an internal hole. I’m the only one who can do that.
Before we get all down in here and break out The Smiths records I do want to say that it’s gotten a lot better. Aging is probably the single best thing that’s happened to me. (Better than the alternative, right?) My 20’s were infinitely better than my teens and my 30’s are shaping up to be better than my 20’s so by my 60’s I should be rocking it. Exercise has helped. Being surprised by my own external strength has taught me that perhaps I’ve underestimated my internal strength. Learning to recognize beauty in myself and others has been a huge leap too. While beauty and confidence aren’t the same thing, one certainly can help the other. But I recently discovered another key to the cage…
***
Last weekend my husband and I took our kids on a trip to the Dells – America’s! Largest! Waterpark! (And Collection of Atlantis Kitch Outside of a Sunken City!). While the weather was a little cooler than we’d hoped, the boys loved the water parks and had a blast. But Jelly Bean was having none of it. She spent the morning covering her ears and shrieking every time the bucket dumped:
You know who wasn’t scared? My boys, camped out right underneath the bucket.
And the afternoon sleeping on my lap until she peed through her swim diaper and soaked both of us. (Let me tell you, little sister does not like to be messy! Dramz!)
You can’t see it but there is a puddle of pee right under me
But no one drowned so I considered the day a win.
The next day however we stopped by Wizard Quest on a whim. It’s basically a huge warehouse done up to look like a fantasy land. You’re given a quest and some clues and then you’re off to run through a (gorgeously constructed) multi-level maze to solve both mental and physical challenges in hopes of rescuing the lost wizards. I was unprepared for how much I loved it. For a brief time I was that girl again, the one who believed in magic, the one who believed she was magic. So when it ended (we found all 4 wizards!) I was surprised to find myself not just a little teary but outright weeping.
“Are you mad because you didn’t win?” my husband sighed. (While we finished our quest we didn’t have enough time to finish all the mini-puzzles embedded in the game.)
“I’m not mad! I’m sad!” He stared quizzically at me. “I’m sad because it’s not real!” I sobbed. “And because for a moment I remembered what it felt like to believe it was real!” That girl I was, the place I used to escape to, all those feelings. All back. I didn’t know what to do with the disappointment any better now than I did then.
It looked cooler in real life. I’m just bad with the photography. The flash kinda ruined it but I couldn’t figure out how not to use the flash.
“I’m not a fairy,” I sniffled to Jelly Bean. “I’m just me.” But as soon as I said it, I saw it in her eyes. She believed it. For her it was still real. For her I was magic.
***
Being able to accept someone for exactly who they are, at that moment, is a rare gift. It’s not something everyone can do, nor should they. Those that are deeply invested in our welfare – parents, spouses, bosses – do not have the luxury of having no expectations. And we need them to expect more of us so that we can grow to meet it. As a parent myself, I know that the second my kids were born I was already seeing them for the people they would one day become, the people I would help shape. It’s unavoidable.
But there are those who are able – and, miracle of miracles, willing – to take me just as I am. It’s not that they don’t want better for me but they don’t expect me to be better. They only expect me to be me. My sister is one of those people for me. I know I could show up at her door in any state and she’d just take me in, kids included. My best friend Liz from high school (the friends I did have were true gems), my keeper of the wonderful memories. Gym Buddy Allison, my confidant. Dear L, my shoulder. Dr. Jon, my faith in humanity. Carla (you may know her as MizFit), my OG of blogging but who has always cared more about the girl behind the blog. And most especially: my children.
Young children, it turns out, are perfectly beautifully suited to love you just as you are. When they are very young they simply can’t have any expectations because expectations require experience and everything is brand new to them. A hole punch – machine of joy! Hi-C – nectar of the gods! But even as they grow they still see you with magic eyes. They don’t worry about being too vulnerable (even though they are) or not cool (diaper, one mitten and pink crocs, yes please) or afraid (perfect love casteth out fear?). And they don’t worry a bit that you’re not perfect. Because to them you are perfection.
***
To cheer me up, my husband bought me some “faerie earrings” from the Wizard Quest gift shop as a souvenir. So today I pulled them out – I was having a horribly insecure day (the list of failures is too long and too depressing to numerate) – and they did indeed work their magic:
I felt better. But not because of a flashy piece of costume jewelry. Because Jelly Bean saw me wearing them and immediately ran to get her “faerie necklace”… to put on me:
When she was done she whispered, “Mommy! So pwetty!”
And I believed her.
Love is a pineapple necklace.
Who do you have in your life who accepts you exactly as you are, in this moment? Have you told them thank you recently?? 😉 How do you deal with insecurity/build confidence? I’d love tips… (Unrelated question: Should I grow out my bangs?! I’ve been really kind of enjoying not having them this summer. (They’re still there but because of the heat and humidity I’ve been pinning them back.))
This pic has nothing to do with this post but it amused me so much I had to put in. It’s from the upside down White House!
SO WEIRD.
If yu only knew you much I envy you for your stunning looks, super fit body, pretty dresses and the amount of kids! And you’re a couple years younger than me, and I have so far to go to reach at least a half of all that…
You are an absolute star, you, Charlotte Hilton, you totally rock. And you’re not just a pretty face either. No one writes better than you. So thanks. For inspiration. And reminding that exercise does help.
Yeah, what you said!
I couldn’t have said this better myself.
I don’t know that I deserve this: “No one writes better than you.” but that is one of the nicest compliments anyone has ever given me. Thank you – I haven’t been able to stop smiling since I read it:) And we’re all our own worst critics so I’m guessing you are doing pretty amazing yourself!
Your earrings are so pretty! And your family is stunning! I think we all go through stages or insecurity and lack of confidence. High school can be especially brutal. I don’t have any tips or tricks for confidence boost, other then when I’m really down I love to wear new clothes, favorite fragrance and jewellery and eat dessert instead of dinner! My little girls definitely look at me with that innocence you describe and just pure love. Nothing beats their love and even if I had nothing else I would be rich with their love.
Oooh I can totally get down with this: ” I love to wear new clothes, favorite fragrance and jewellery and eat dessert instead of dinner! “!! Sounds like you have a really great long-view of all this:)
Thank you for sharing this, Charlotte. I think we carry on believing in fairies, or their equivalent, well into our adult lives. None of us is immune to thinking that someone else, somewhere, has that fairytale life that we could, or should, have. If only we could meet the right partner, or live in the right city, or have the right job, or make the right amount of money, or hit the right number on the scale, then – and only then – will we be able to live happily ever after. When we attain those goals (and we sometimes do), we find that that the story doesn’t end there, and we’re left wishing upon other stars in hopes that they will make our dreams come true. The endlessness of this cycle – its realness (even though, like Wizard Quest, it’s nothing more than fantasy) – is enough to bring me to tears on a regular basis, too. It seems that there’s a part of us that never really grows up.
Seeing the world through a child’s eyes is wonderful. But there’s something to be said for using our adult powers of reasoning to put it all into perspective, to realize that we all have our fairy princesses (and evil step-mothers) living inside of us, and to understand that unconditionally loving ourselves is every bit as important as unconditionally loving others. There’s so much magic inside, if we just take the time to look for it.
I wish I could triple-like this comment (what – this isn’t FB??). Thank you for the gentle reminder that wishful thinking is wishful thinking no matter how fantastical I make it – and that wishing for something you don’t have is a losing proposition. It really is about finding happiness in the now. And good point too about an adult perspective being magical in its own way too!
I think your writing abilities may have peaked today. Anything I add will sound lame.
I want to go to a Wizard Quest! We’ve got nothing like that around here. Guess I’ll just have to find another good book.
Or come visit the midwest;) And thankyouthankyouthankyou for the sweet compliment – that means a lot to me coming from you, another one of the OGs!!
That all made me tear up a little. Beautiful, Charlotte. (And you are, BTW – even more so in close-up!)
Aw thank you Sigi!
I agree with Diane’s comment above and will assume anything I add to it here will be far inferior and repetitive. But just know that today, a day/week/month filled with a list of failures and outside crap too long and too depressing to numerate, this post made me happy. This post-your family, your honesty, your humor-made me really, really wish we were “real” friends that could meet for a cup of tea sit on a patio, making fun of the people walking by. (Well, I already felt that way, but this cemented it.) You rock, as you are and as you will be going forward. The end.
Oh me too! We would have so much fun together!! And then we’d each go home and have some quiet time to recharge;)
I had a hard time of it in high school too … and I spent years trying to prove to all those people that I wasn’t who they thought I was, and it took me until I was almost 30 to realize that it is OK to be who I am, and it has let me have a great family and a happy life. I agree – my 20’s were rocky, my 30’s are rockin’, bring on the rest of my awesome life! You are gorgeous, I love your style, and I like the no-bangs look – you could do either way, but change feels good, doesn’t it?
“it took me until I was almost 30 to realize that it is OK to be who I am,” This is me too! I was always torn between wanting to play their game (and win this time) and realizing that there is no way to win that game… Glad you are figuring it out too!
I’ll bet your husband has a starring role in that list of people who love you for who you are and will take you, no matter what. You guys make a great team and as such present a solid foundation for the kids. You are truly blessed.
Thank you:) We are, truly!
Do you ever read a blog, saying “yep. yes. yes! EXACTLY!!” because that was me reading this post. Charlotte, you are so beautiful, funny, insightful, talented, and just all-around awesome… people tell me (your twin, I guess) all the time, “you don’t see yourself the way others see you”, meaning I don’t appreciate myself. I know that it’s corny and not super helpful, but I just wanted you to know how much ALL of this resonated with me, and that I love you to pieces over the interwebs. <3
Bobble head to Charlotte’s blog and bobble head to your reply!
Aw thank you! I love you to pieces all over the interwebs too! You guys are the best part of this blog – it never fails to astound me (and make me smile) how much of this human experience is shared:)
love the pictures of you with your earrings! you look very ethereal and beautiful. and I like your hair pulled back!
i was also teased relentlessly. and i was a military brat. so every time we moved… it was a new group of kids to pick on me. in my defense, i was smart. and younger than my class. but it left me with terrible insecurtiy and depression. now that i am 28, it is almost all gone, but i think to some degree just about everyone was buillied in their youth. kids are mean. forturnately we all grow older and hopefully learn what real friendship is and the joys it can bring.
We moved a lot too! And I’m SO glad that you’ve managed to mostly overcome all of that. Kids can be really mean sometimes but I’m glad that you’ve put it in perspective.
Beautiful post! I’ve always refused to stop believing in Santa and the magic in even the smallest every-day wonders, regardless of where that magic comes from. Thanks for sharing this today.
Side note: There are so many funny captions that could be added to your family’s expressions in the picture of the car…
Oooh we should totally play that game! I love reading caption contests!!
Just wanted to say that those earrings make you look STUNNINGLY beautiful! Seriously, love that pic of you.
(Do I win the award for most shallow comment? Probably. But everyone else has said a lot of the other things I was thinking.)
What she said. Stunning. And as far as the bangs, if you can pin them back (and it looks gorgeous like that) then you’ve got the best of both worlds!
Good point! They are kind of long-ish now anyhow…
Hey I will take shallow like that ANYTIME! And thank you:))
I’m glad you enjoyed the experience, but sorry it was so sad when you were done.
As a side note: My son insists on doing MagiQuest every time we stay at the Great Wolf Lodge in KC. I don’t mind the actual quest so much, but I do mind that he carries the wand around all weekend randomly waving it because there are surpise things all over the hotel that light up and talk to you. 🙂
Haha – sounds right up my kids’ alley! I haven’t tried MagiQuest yet but hey if you get a wand, I’m all over it!
You’re beautiful, your writing is beautiful, thank you for writing this, and I’m going to stop this comment now before it starts to sound creepy. 🙂
Thank you! And if that’s creepy, you can creep on me anytime! (Ok, now THAT sounded creepy…)
Oh dearest Charlotte,
You can show up at my door in any state you want and you are welcome inside! I even have a secret (well, not anymore…) stash of dark chocolate that I share with the right people. I love you as is, just as you do the same for me! I feel you on the insecurities, I pretend to hide mine well until they come bubbling out in a teary and slightly crazy mess. I think you are amazing and I love you! Also, that picture of you leaning on the car is a-mah-zing!!!!
Aw thank you Anna!! And I DO totes feel the same way about you! Love you honey!!
I noticed something different about you but didn’t realize it was your bangs off your face until I read that part. You look gorgeous with no bangs – it’s a great look on you 🙂
Thank you! It’s growing on me!
We totally would have been friends in high school–
eating our lunches in the back of the student store,
reading “Jane Eyre”,
skipping prom and having a dressy girls’ night together instead.
I hated high school (and middle school, too),
but being an outcast was good for me in many ways–
I learned to adapt,
to never expect life to be easy,
to fight for myself and for my friends,
to stand up for my beliefs because, hey, nothing I do or say could make me any more of a loser, so why not say what I truly believe?
It’s not easy.
But that’s okay.
*armpunch*
I like you just the way you are, geek. 🙂
Like, double like, triple like! You’re all of that AND you write it in prose. I love you and someday we will get to be real life friends too!
Yes please!
And run a 5K in tutus together?
I read this with my little 3 1/2 year old boy sitting on my lap. When he saw the pic of with the fairy earrings he asked, “is that a pretty girl?” I said, “yes, she is beautiful.”
Your blog made me tear up. I was definitely a reject in school too. Those wounds die hard. But the unconditional love of my spouse and three kids is very healing.
Confidence tips? I am still working on that!
This post was amazing to read. Such a comfort. My husband is the first and only person I’ve met that accepts me for who I am. I could have written this post (although not as beautifully and articulately). Love the earrings. Love your blog!
I now feel a little better about the weepiness-fest I had this past weekend upon reliving the fact that the Harry Potter series is finished and done. I’m forty-two, for the record. And yes, as you may guess from this, books were my big escape back in school.
I was… not popular. Especially in junior high. I specifically remember one guy asking me to a dance, then laughing with his friends because he’d only meant it as a joke. Thirty years later that still stings. And I get the whole seeking approval thing. I spent a decade trying to make an abusive relationship “work” when there’s just no way that type of relationship ever can…
My husband, on the other hand, is the person I can go to who just takes me as I am. Maybe it’s because we’re older, I don’t know. But I know that no matter what, he’s accepted me, neuroses (they are legion) and all. And my kids are awesome. After being dragged to our bellydancing recital a couple of months back, my younger son said “Mommy, you were amazing!”
In the end, you really can’t ask for more than that 🙂
I really don’t know where to start so I will start with YOU LOOK AMAZING & BEAUTIFUL IN THESE PICTURES!!!! YOUR WRITING TAKES ME CRAZY PLACES LIKE INSIDE MY HEAD WHERE I DON’T WANT TO GO… YOU ARE AMAZING!
Charlotte, this: Insecurity has led me to make some the worst choices of my life: …But the effect of insecurity on myself that I like least is how much I still seek other people’s approval, still need outside validation and what I’ll do to get it – a losing proposition since no one, no matter how well intended, will ever be able to externally fill an internal hole. I’m the only one who can do that.
I still live that at almost 55. I was not quite as “abused” as you were when you were young but I had my share of bullying at me…. Insecurity has been part of my life for too many years to count. I am so much better, I must say that, but not where I want to be.. I think due to trying so many things & still getting No’s… hard to think you have something to offer with No’s at every corner….
I don’t know… I have many who accept me for me but I have to accept me for me….
Great post – I don’t have the courage right now to write like you & Carla with all that is really inside…
On the bangs – I am not good at this stuff – I think you look great no matte what!
WAIT?! Fairies aren’t real??? Darn it!
I was bullied very badly from 3rd grade to 8th grade. It’s taken me till now (I’m 23) to undo all the damage from those years, and there will always be some debris left around my heart. I learned some tips and tricks over all those years. Here are a few of my tried and true favorites:
1. Find a picture you absolutely love of yourself. Pull it out only when you are feeling down about your looks. That makes the picture special!!!! I also pull out my weight loss “before” pictures and compare them to the “after” pictures when I feel like I’m still a fatty.
2. Do something for someone else even if it’s something small. This get’s you thinking about someone other than yourself, and releases endorphins to make you happy.
3. Watch something that makes you have a strong emotional reaction even if it’s crying. Sometimes we all need a good cry or laugh. Movies are some of the fastest ways to bring our emotions to the surface.
4. Pray . . . this reminds me I am God’s daughter and am amazing because I am exactly as he made me.
I hope these help!!!
Much Love ~ Ame’
I used to want to reside in the Legend of Zelda. Wizard Quest sounds like my kind of place – so fun! My mom takes me as is as does my husband – two of the most patient people I know.
P.S. Honestly you can pull off either look. Perhaps stick with the longer bangs so you can still have them but pull them back if you need a different look.
You ARE beautiful!!!!!!!
In the coffee bar today the barista had light blue hair and multi-colored brow rings, and I wanted her to turn around so I could see her fairy wings.
Because fairies DO exist, I believe it!
The other night I was feeling fat and frumpy. I turned on some Duran Duran and pretended I was their bassist/backup singer. I sang, played air bass, and swiveled my hips until I felt not only NOT frumpy, but sexy and free. A way I haven’t felt for a REALLY long time: not since I was in my 20’s and went out dancing every Friday with my buddies.
It was a side of me I’d forgotten about. I’m so glad she’s back!!!!!
And, yes, my kids make me feel loves unconditionally. 🙂
Oh Charlotte. Are you sure you’re not me, or rather, a cooler version of me? Because everything in your post is just me.
I had a hard time in school. Minor physical bullying (they were all terrified of my big brother) but the emotional bullying that girls are oh so good at. Even through my 20s I had too many frenemies, which led to some terrible choices fueled by insecurity. But my 30s? They’re rocking. And I’m a firm believer that we get better with age.
Wear your faerie earrings with pride. I might get mine out tonight too.
The fairy earrings are magical, smile every time you put them on!
You remind me of the good I sometimes forget. Thank you.
And yes, I am loving the no bangs look. Dunno why, but it is good.
Just found your blog and I had to comment because I LOVE this post! Beautifully written and I can so relate because I had that same obsession with all things magical 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing…you have a new reader!
I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this today! Im a twenty-something and it gave me new hope for the future.
p.s. did you catch the television show “once upon a time”? Might be something you want to check out next time you need an escape to a fairytale :]
Bangs, haha! That never gets old to us Brits. I think bang-less (which is almost an awesome 80s girl band, so already winning) really suits you, especially with the side part. You look hot! Re confidence… mine has definitely grown since hitting my 30s, and I wish I knew why. It’s like an inner state of calm I try and retreat to every time I hear the crazy b*tch start in my ear again. If you practice going to your happy place enough, I think it starts to get easier to go there, and that’s how confidence grows. That’s how it’s worked for me. Having people around you who love you really helps with that.
I was never into fairies but I did used to escape to imaginary worlds All The Time when I was younger, even when I was a teen and should have grown out of it. Sign of an active, imaginative mind I think. Although the magic of reality is sometimes far more special, as Jellybean ably demonstrates.
Px
Pingback:TV Tie in Kit | 80s Dance Star Tween Costume
So, as I said earlier, I was a bobble head reading this post. I wasn’t as abused as you, but I was bullied for many years. Yes, it sticks with me. Yes, I deal with insecurity. Yes, I find myself needing outside reassurance that I have friends and have worth..even tho I KNOW I have worth in Jesus. No answers as I am still dealing, but am hoping that this year will be the year that I get past it!
Also, where did you get your blue capris?? I just LOVE the color!
My sister follows your blog , she text me today and said that I should really read your story. I seriously almost cried. Not only for how you were treated but how much I could relate. I believe the honestly and sincerity in what you wrote can and has touched so many. Your experience made you who you are today. But because you are willing to admit what so many of us are not brave enough to talk about makes you amazing. Admitting how you felt, what you believed back then, and how it affected your life I can relate well too. My situations had some similar aspects but that voice in the back of all our minds that judges us has always been there harassing me. I was actually thinking last night about how much our past can bog us down and I had to find the will and strength to leave mine behind and embrace myself. I need to forgive and realize that I need to accept myself. We all need to see what our little ones see. Finding strength, love, and resolution can help us grow. Your blog gave me some of that. Thank you.
Can I just say WE would totally have been friends in high school! I did the whole goth, dye my hair, attitude, and angst. The smiths were my most played records, and yes meat is murder prompted me to go vegetarian. I was bullied too along with the snide remarks, low self esteem, and general feeling of awkwardness. I just wasn’t “at one” with my body or emotions, lots of negative self image thoughts and I just went downhill in the last two years. Also dated older guys for a few years, in high school there was 5 years difference and later another guy who was 8 years older as I remember.
Aging has definitely been something GOOD for me, every year gets better and better. If I knew life would be this good in my 30’s (and now 40’s yikes) I’d have been much happier knowing that the BS doesn’t last!
As for friends, well I had a dramatic incident and lack of trust for a while after losing a best friend 10 years ago (she basically just displeasure from my life despite my efforts to stay in touch) and I didn’t have a BFF for a long time. Then 2 1/2 years ago I met Julie, and we’ve been best buds since. She’s like the older sister I’d always wished for 🙂 And yes she’s my gym buddy, she has no choice we work at the same gyms 😉
You know… I think I have to stop reading your blog for awhile. Even though you struggle with things that I struggle with, I can’t help but wonder why I’m not getting the support that I need that you do. I’m not talking about blog-land. In real life. Even 100th’s of it would make a huge difference. So I’m being ground up in this vicious cycle of feeling like I’m not worth anybody’s time so don’t bother anybody which turns into nobody loves me (go eat worms!), which I know plays out on my face and so…. pah! I really do try to reach out but I guess I just don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore to make friends or be a friend.
Working on it though.
As for high school. yuck. If I saw people bullying you… I would’ve been the quiet girl who slipped a note into your locker and say, “hey. hope you’re okay.” with lots of flowers & hearts & sunshine doodled all over it.
Ok, I’m done crying, so I can at least seethe keyboard to comment.
How do I deal with insecurity? I don’t. Not well anyhow. And right now, I am feeling plenty insecure. You see, my trainers have all left me. The one that got me started in my fitness journey moved to California in June. The other, who i started with in January (who really gave me a vision and a program for what i could be) is “taking some time off” (for personal reasons). So I’m a bit lost and sad right now.
But the times I have felt strong and confident are a result of my training.
I started all of this with a mid-life crisis and a professional photo shoot. And now, every ten pounds I lose, I go for another professional photo shoot. And believe me, those shoots make me feel like a million bucks!
This is beautiful and so are you inside and out. And you are CRAZY smart and a fabulous writer. Truly. I’m sorry you went through this. I know how you felt. Really I do. Unfortunately, this is another instance of twinsies. Your highschool experience sounds almost exactly like mine (and jr high) right down to the spitting. (I was spared chili) Once I walked to my locker and was surrounded by people pelting me with pennies chanting “Jenny ____ for a penny.” all because I kissed an 8th grader (I was in 6th). I still carry these scars although mostly faded today. If I’m honest it’s one of the reasons I homeschool my kids. I learned to cope not through fairies but through horses. I still turn to animals today. However like you aging has been the best thing that ever happened to be. And meeting my husband. And God. Mostly God. That has been the only road that has lead to LASTING confidence. I don’t think “we” or anyone can ever fill that void. It’s meant for God alone. That truth is exploited by well meaning and not so well meaning people again and again in countless ways most which are very seductive.
One another note. My family and I have to go to the wizard place. We are a few chapters from finishing Harry Potter and my kids would love it!!!!!!
<3 you
Also wanted to say I think we would have been friends in highschool. Although I drank and smoked lots of pot (to cope) so maybe not. Although I don’t think you you would have judged me so yeah we’d totally have been friends.
Oh my god, this brought tears to my eyes.
well… more than that actually…
This is a very familiar story to me. Everything from the combat boots to the ‘I don’t care attitude’. And I find myself asking that question alot these days: “would we have been friends in high school”? Usually my answer is an immediate ‘no’. That’s so inspiring though, isn’t it? We’ve evolved through age and experience, left behind many of those old mindsets, moved forward, and in many ways, opened ourselves up.
I’m personally thankful the best days of my life weren’t when I was in highschool (though at time I wish things had been very different). One day an old boss said something to me I will never forget: ‘For some people, being the head cheerleader or the highschool quarterback is the highest status they will ever own. They will never again feel that important.’ It gave me an insight I hadn’t previously considered. I was filled with sadness yet enlightened with a new hopefulness. Every success to me has been made golden because of where I came.
Thank you for your story. You have no idea how inspiring it is.
The proper way to become dependable investor should be to
not merely utilize a distinct technique or even
process, yet in order to additionally learn the disadvantages.
For illustration, there is absolutely no root price tag if you obtain a ioption.
There isn’t a liquidity to help this purchase because you certainly not really unique an actual advantage.
They’re going to most usually level each of the large credit cards, as well as every other that they cards these people consider is necessary towards the activity. The winning trades have previously expressed of which today they may fight with the privileges of the favourite online game around the territory of European countries.
Now which you determine what your terms “in the actual money” as well as “out of the money”, it’s also advisable to recognize just how much far more rewarding responsible trading could be above conventional kinds. In the event that it lets you do range in price up with value, the actual trader gets the directly to pick the responsible trading, although is not obligated to do this. Once you are “in the actual money”, you will receive a predetermined payment for ones investment. A new contact option is an choice that you simply spend your hard earned dollars in as you feel that the market could climb.
Pingback:I Had My Own “Touching Strangers” Moment! What would you do if a strange woman cupped your face in her hands?