“Touch me!” Unless you’re Mariah Carey, a cast member of Saturday Night Live or a cheeky hologram in a sci-fi series (looking at you, Rimmer!) chances are you haven’t uttered those words in a long time. I’m guessing it’s more likely you’ve said “Don’t touch me!” recently. In fact, our standard for being not-touched is often one of the first things we communicate about ourselves. “Oh I’m not a hugger!” “Sorry, I’d shake your hand but I have a cold!” “You’re in my bubble.” “Don’t only Eurpoean wannabes kiss cheeks? Unless your name is Sven Svenly Svenson, back off!” There are as many ways to not-touch someone as there are ways to touch them. (Law of the universe, right there. You’re welcome, Einstein.) But the truth is we all need to be touched. We all instinctively know this but at the same time we’re so worried about giving or receiving the wrong kind of touch that we figure better hands-off safe than sorry.
I love people who break this rule.
Hugger Joe was my friend in college. We first met when he hugged me at a party. “Oh I’m not really a hug…” I started but was cut off as he crushed the wind out of me. “When’s the last time someone hugged you?” he didn’t even wait for me to answer. All night long I kept seeing his bright blue hair bob through the crowd as he bear-hugged anyone within arms reach. It could have been creepy but I think it wasn’t because he didn’t discriminate. Fat, thin, gay, straight, male, female, human, muppet: he hugged us all. And we needed it. By the time we graduated many hugs later, I had officially become a hugger too, albeit not as aggressively as Joe.
Joe might have been a little crazy but it turns out he was on to something. Virginia Satir’s research into touch therapy concluded that “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” That’s a lot of hugs! But it’s worth it: A 2003 study found that not only does hugging, hand-holding and other positive touch make your heart feel happy but it also protects your heart. People in the study who were physically affectionate had lower blood pressure, less reported stress and fewer markers of heart disease. And studies going back for decades have shown that hospital patients who are touched by their nurses heal faster, communicate better and leave the hospital sooner. The trick, of course, is how to get your daily quotient of physical affection without being a total creeper.
Touching people doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me but I try to be aware of people who might need a high five, a shoulder to cry on or even a secret handshake. Tonight I had the opportunity to visit a gym friend who recently had surgery. On a whim, I brought my pedicure kit with me. She couldn’t reach her toes so I figured I’d help her out. “Eww no! I have the grossest feet!” she said. “I don’t care,” I answered. (And truly I don’t – I’m not one of those people who gets weirded out by feet.) “They’re so dirty!” she tried again. “Sit down,” I smiled. I finally convinced her and after massaging her feet for a bit, in honor of her 60th birthday I painted her toes bright cobalt blue with a holographic glitter topcoat. Because nothing says grandma like glitter. I even talked another friend into letting me paint her toenails too after she admitted she had only recently bought her first bottle of nail polish in her entire life.
I think they liked their new toes. But I think I liked it more. Not in a I-have-a-pervy-foot-fetish way but in the way that it just feels good to be able to touch someone in a gentle, caring way. I smiled all the way home where Jelly Bean then insisted I paint her fingers and toes ten different sparkly colors. (For good measure my tootsies are now emerald green. )
Children are natural touch-ers. All day long I’m being touched by somebody: hugs in the morning, kisses at bedtime, leg clinging, shirt pulling and, just like a puppy, one son who always tries to bury his head in my crotch. (Sorry kid, that trip’s a one-way ticket.) It gets to the point where by the time my husband comes home all I want is to be left alone, poor man. But tonight as I sat next to Jelly Bean’s bed and she “did” my hair by putting 17 clippies in it, I realized how lucky I am. Anytime I need a hug now, I don’t have to wait for an overly effusive stoner to happen upon me, I have a whole bunch of ready arms to hold me. Moms of grown children often tell me these little gestures are what they miss the most.
Unfortunately fitness falls dead center in the middle of this touch me-don’t touch me paradox. On one hand, it’s rule #19b of the gym code – you’re going to get touched. Whether it’s a trainer correcting your form, a yoga teacher deepening your pose, a teammate giving you knuckles or a Gym Buddy who always sneaks up on you on the treadmill and smacks your butt (you know who you are!), the gym can be a great place to connect with other people – literally. Of course there’s the bad kind too: The out-of-my-way hip check at the weight rack, the creepy this-is-how-you-hold-the-racket tutorial, and everyone’s favorite, the hug where both parties are so sweaty it’s like Jell-O wrestling without the benefit of being drunk enough not to care.
This came up at the gym the other day (of course it did). It turns out that touching is, well, really personal. My pet peeve is when people put their hands on my hips or low back to move me out of their way (just touch my shoulder! Or say excuse me! I promise I’ll move!). Another woman said she hates it when people poke her in the ribs – to the point where she actually has nightmares about people trying to tickle her and she punches them in the face. A guy chimed in that he hates it when people grab his neck which kinda stopped the conversation as the rest of us were pondering a situation where that would happen at the gym. (Chest press? I’ll spot you, bro! No way will I let you crush your larynx with that bar! I’ll just put my hand right here to protect you… ?!)
Are you a touchy person? Who do you go to when you just need a hug? Do you have a pet peeve when it comes to being touched in the gym? How do you feel about feet??
Ok I’m going to preface my comment by saying that I’m English born and bred, and lived there for 29 years of my life before I moved to the USA. So that said, we don’t hug, unless you are a close close close BFF friend. What I don’t understand is that there seems to be a secret “hug code” that I wasn’t given the details of. Some people hug. others don’t. And it’s like the huggers have hug-dar (you know like gay-dar!) where they know which people are huggers and which aren’t. Apparantely my hug-dar doesn’t work! I’m usually left kinda mid arm raise thinking “are they huggers, are we hugging? yes? no? crap now I look stupid? dork!”
If I need a hug I go to my husband, that makes everything better. Aww mushy!
Being touched in the gym? Well it’s my job to touch other people so generally I’m ok with it.
Feet, honestly I don’t like other peoples lol. I have small feet so other feet seem HUGE in comparison! For me it’s ears, I don’t like my ears being touched. Weird I know!
Also: Love Red Dwarf! We went to a screening years ago, got to meet the cast. So fun! Smeghead!
Haha I too HATE getting my ears touched, I always flinch away when ever someone accidentally touches them… 😛
i have a good friend who can’t stand to be hugged, but I do it anyway because I love her! And she’s become accustomed to it now and actually initiates hugs sometimes.
Where did you get the picture? It’s freaking me out because the guy on the right looks like someone I used to date. I really hope it’s not, but I can’t find the original source on the Google machine!
Thanks to my gay best friend, who hugs everyone under the sun, I’ve also become a hugger in recent years. But I do respect other people’s preferences, hugs are not for everyone.
I regularly hug my family, all my in-laws, step-kids, friends, and friends of friends, if they’re ok with it. This is unusual behaviour in Germany, but we are an unusual bunch.
The person I hug the most is my husband. Unfortunately, he travels for work a lot, so I often go unhugged for days. That does affect my mood in a pretty bad way.
One day I’ll get a cat or a dog. Hugging pets works just the same!
At the gym, I’m big on fist bumping and shoulder punching. There are a few people there I’m on a big-hug basis with, and it does not matter how disgustingly sweaty we are.
This is a very serendipitous post for me since, just yesterday, I had my first awkward-accidental-touching-with-a-stranger-at-the-gym moment. We were doing some stretches and somehow I ended up almost holding hands with the guy next to me. Urgh.
I HATE being touched by strangers but am over-the-top tactile when it comes to my family. I have no qualms about launching myself into my hubby’s lap and aggressively asking for hugs all day long. Thanks to you, I now have scientific data to back it up and will be instituting the Four Hugs A Day At Least rule as a house requirement 🙂
I recently attended a restorative yoga class where the teacher went around while we were holding poses and annointed (ha!) us with aromatherapy oils and gave us mini-massages. I was in frog pose–so face-down, legs splayed, belly against my mat–when she came over, straddled my hips(!) and put her hands on my neck to massage it. Without a word. I’m a touchy-feely person, and I am lucky enough to never have been sexually assaulted or anything like that, but this was kinda boundary-pushing when done without warning, lemme tell you. At the very least, it wasn’t exactly relaxing or “restorative.”
I’m touchy-feely with close friends and family (though actually less so in recent years than I used to be) but I hate hate hate when strangers touch me. The other day I was in a Zumba class and had moved half a step out of my spot before class started to say something to a friend. Another woman jammed into that extra half a foot of space. Unsurprisingly, within the first song she had bumped into me 3 times and I nearly had to leave.
Also, feet freak me out too. I think it’s a possibly smelly dirty thing!
I’m not a naturally touchy person, so I keep the bubble protected except for people I really love and trust. When I need a hug, I go right to my fiance.
At a conference for therapeutic horseback riding, we did an exercise where you stand across the room from someone, facing them. Then, you close your eyes and you walk toward each other, stopping when you felt uncomfortable. When everyone had stopped, we all opened our eyes to see where our bubbles were. It was really interesting seeing the different bubble sizes. It was also interesting that when I was across from a stranger (even a super nice one!), I had a fairly large bubble, but when across from a woman I’ve volunteered with for 15 years, I had NO bubble. We met in the middle and hugged!
I will hug my DS (he’s 12 and still asks for hugs several times a day so I’m pretty lucky) but that’s it. I hate being hugged or touched and my family is well aware of this. Sometimes they insist on hugging me anyway but it’s mostly to get on my nerves. 🙂
It depends on the person, to be honest, altho I’m a lot more huggy than I used to be. Family is one thing (my family is huggy and I’m fine with that), but for other people…it depends. A lot of my friends are huggy hippies (like your friend you described) and it took a bit getting used to.
Now if I feel like hugging someone I do. I get annoyed when people I don’t really know want a hug and I am made to feel rude if they hug some people but I don’t really make the move to hug them. I’m not hugging people I don’t know – to me it’s not a handshake – it means something. I’m getting over personal space stuff, since I spent the summer working with some students from Japan and China who were always waaaaaay into my personal space – I asked them about it and they said they are just used to it from it being so crowded back home.
I”m at the point now where as long as it isn’t creepy in intent, I can deal with hugginess 🙂
love the Red Dwarf reference BTW 🙂
I think it’s a geographic thing. Growing up 100 miles from Memphis, everybody hugged. Of course, some hugs are different from others. I was visiting last weekend and hugged half the town, but the hug I got from my first love was definitely different. It was a long exhale kind of hug and meant more than all the others combined.
But now I live in the Pac NW where hugs are like pooping and you don’t TALK about them much less run around doing that in public. Fortunately, my effusive hugging has converted my Chevalier, and now I get my hug quota.
Love this post!!!
Growing up, my family were big huggers. Now that I’m an adult, I’m not. Maybe I’m all hugged out? I do agree that physical touch is powerful. I also think some people want/need more physical contact than others. I’ve noticed my second son gives more hugs than my oldest. Some people just need more space than others. We aren’t all the same 🙂
On a slightly unrelated note, have you tried Jason Gelband’s Model Fit workout and Blood Type diet? I read about it today and it sounded interesting.
I LOVE that you referenced Red Dwarf! Made me giggle.
My poor hubby has to deal with me at the end of my “leave me alone” days too… and I only have 2 kids! My biggest problem, however, is the embarrassment of “mommy, why is your tummy still big? Sister came out already!” that leaves me not wanting physical contact from anyone but the baby.
Maybe that’s why some people love their pets so much. They seem like a socially acceptable way to show physical affection.
Or maybe it’s because we live to pet come thing cute and furry. 🙂
I hate getting poked in the ribs unnecessarily. By that I mean that it’s okay if I’m blundering and saying something inappropriate, for example, but not okay if you’re the girl I rode the bus home with in middle school and you poke my ribs during lulls in the conversation just because, and then poke even harder when I ask you not to. Ugh, can’t stand the feeling of little fingers digging into my side.
I have my earlobes stretched, and occasionally people want to touch them. That’s fine, as long as they ask first- but I’ve had someone just grab my ear and start moving it this way and that. Imagine a hand that comes out of nowhere and holds on to one of the most sensitive parts of your body, which also happens to be next to your face. 🙁
The neck thing, some people come up from behind you and put their hands on the back of your neck. It feels really creepy. You’re lucky not to have had it done to you!!
I was never much of a hugger till I joined college. You will rarely find people shaking hands there. It actually felt a little weird when you shook hands with anybody. It’s like hugging was the formal greeting at college.