WhiteWhine caption: “I wanna read about Kate Middleton’s boobs, not make money!”
Running was on the workout schedule for today but boredom wasn’t and thanks to a serious dearth of Gym Buddies I decided to do something I said I’d never do: listen to an audiobook. I love audio and I love books so I don’t know why I so detest them together (yes I do: everyone reads too gosh darn slow) but you guys love them and my friends love them and I needed something more gripping than The View! (Although the Ladies were discussing Lindsay Lohan’s latest episode of running over pedestrians who happen to get in her way and Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Babs actually suggested that the person threw themselves in front of Lindsay’s car on purpose just to get her in trouble. Really?!?) Anyhow, when you sign up for Audible on Amazon.com they give you a free audiobook – good thing since those things are wicked expensive! How is it they can charge more for a digital file than a hardcover book?? – so I downloaded the most exciting and highly rated spy novel I could find.
Ten minutes into my run I had to jump off my ‘mill to skip the preface. (IT HAD A TEN MINUTE PREFACE YOU GUYS. THEY ACTUALLY READ ME THE TITLE PAGE.)
Two minutes later I had to stop to adjust the volume and my earbuds that were slipping around my sweaty ear canals.
Two minutes after that my phone battery started to run down.
Then it was the constant pop-ups asking me if I was enjoying my free trial.
And then there was the whole its-super-boring-listening-to-someone-else-read-a-book problem. I didn’t enjoy it in Kindergarten and I don’t enjoy it now! Call me a freak. Whatevs, I’m not apologizing.
Finally I gave up on the audiobook and tried switching to my running station on Pandora but apparently I workout in an underground bunker of which cell phone signals can never penetrate so it wouldn’t connect.
At last I jumped off one more time, ripped my head phones off and threw my phone in my gym bag in exasperation. “I guess I’ll just have to watch the TV after all!” I huffed to the elderly woman next to me. As I reveled in my adult temper tantrum it occurred to me what I’d just done: I whined about running on a $5000 machine (totally guessing, I have no idea what treadmills cost) in an air conditioned building and using a smart phone that when it didn’t work exactly the way I wanted it to I had to give up and watch my own little personal TV screen. Talk about #first world problems. It reminded me of #WhiteWhine, #RichPeopleProblems and the like. So I decided to come up with my own list:
Fit People Problems
– Runner’s World said I should replace my shoes every 200 miles but I have to buy new ones every 100. It sucks being such a fast runner!
– Some jerk took my spot in the gym parking lot and I had to walk all the way from the far end to get in. Have some respect – I don’t want to start exercising until I’m actually inside!!
– I hate it when I’m late for my cardio class and the person in front of me is only taking the stairs one at a time. Put some hustle in it! This is a GYM!
– That moment when you realize the toilet seat in the locker room is still warm. And a little moist.
– Today (true story) I found a Weight Watchers magazine from 2007 in the magazine rack at the gym. How does that even happen? It was either read that or Sports Illustrated. But hey it’s not like recipes go out of style! (Boo to coupons expired for over 5 years though.)
– The weight rack was clearly organized by someone who is dyslexic or evil. 25 is smaller than 40! Now I have to do an extra set to put them all back where they belong #OCD
– I hate it when kettlebells are marked in “poods”. Does Russia even exist anymore? And how am I supposed to do that math? Plus it sounds dirty.
– Running out of snacks is the worst feeling ever when you have a metabolism as fast as mine! I must feed every two hours or I will go catabolic and lose all my muscle and DIE. Or at least feel gnarly.
– My ponytail pinches my scalp when I do chest presses on the weight bench. Why hasn’t someone invented weight benches with a hole in one end yet?! (Er, um, nevermind.)
– Stop hitting on me all the time! I hate that I can’t walk anywhere in this gym in my cheeky shorts and Victoria’s Secret bra without being ogled. Clearly I hate attention so stop staring at me!!
– You got between me and my mirror. #DieScum
– I hate having to share equipment. People should just respect that I can bang out 50 pull-ups in 50 minutes and not interrupt my flow with their pesky requests to “work in”. Or whatever.
– Why do weights have to be so heavy?! #DOMS
– I totally couldn’t get a cell signal in the gym! How will my 1800 friends know I’ve done my workout if I don’t immediately upload a sweaty-yet-cute shot of myself onto Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook?! #TastefulCleavage
– That moment you realize that hemp protein powder still tastes like hemp even though it’s 10 times as expensive and the container says it’s “wild berry” flavor. #ThrewUpInMyMouth
– I forgot to take the chip timer off my shoe and now everywhere I go I have to stop and tell people about the awesome race I just ran, how fast I ran it and how many people I passed. And to the kindergartner who thought it was one of those things that keeps your laces tied? Rude!
– Giving blood freaks me out too much – I just can’t stand the sight of blood! And those cookies are way bad for you, they could at least give me a protein bar. #SawIIIisMyFavoriteMovie.
– I fell off my treadmill answering a text.
– Someone took MY spot. #MeanGirls #HockeyCheck
– My legs got so muscle-y I ripped the butt out of my jeans and had to go buy cute new ones. #Ummm
Do you ever catch yourself doing something so ridiculous that you just have to stop and laugh? Do you have a #FitPeopleProblem to add to my list?!
Just the other day, I was on the last treadmill and it had a broken TV. I was forced to do my planned run (all of 30 minutes!) without it. Totally spent too long whining in my head about this one and looking around constantly to see if another machine opened up!
Haha glad I’m not the only one who’s done something like that! In our defense, treadmill running is super boring…
About those magazines: I actually purge the magazine rack on a weekly basis of anything older than 2-months. (I give them to a member who collects them for collages.) But we have many members who bring us their old magazines from home because they want to share. Very cool when it’s last month’s issue of Yoga Journal; not so cool when it’s a stack of Via and Sunset from five years ago.
I wish you worked at my gym! Ah Sunset magazine… I’ve read more than one of those out of desperation before.
What about the angry spiteful workout that happens when your planned workout can’t happen for some reason (thunder and lightning prevents you from running outside or all the spots are taken in your favorite group class)…then you do something ELSE but you huff and puff and are mad the whole time about it? I totally do that and it’s about as useful an attitude as my three year old’s tantrums!
Buwhahahah! YES! I have so totally done that! And I’ll feel mad about it all day…
Hahaha this was so funny! I especially love the one about not getting a parking spot right by the door! I know so many people who do this! And the victorias secret one. I used to have a client who would blow dry her hair and put on lots of makeup and jewellery before our sessions. She always wanted me to train her in the heavily male dominated section of the weight room.
So now I have to know – did she end up with a date?! I’ve always wondered what men think of heavily made-up women at the gym…
Have you ever tried listening to podcasts? I also do not like books on tape and never have, but I have found many fitness/running podcasts that keep me entertained while running a lot of miles.
I have not! I do have a few fave podcasts I listen to while I clean my kitchen every Sunday (This American Life, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, Marketplace Money – my kitchen gets really dirty;)). Do you have some to recommend to me? I love suggestions!
You might like “The FitCast” or possibly “Ben Greenfield Fitness”. Or you might not. The FitCast focuses more on lifting but answers questions about all types of fitness, whereas Ben Greenfield focuses more on endurance sports and some very different (and difficult to follow!) ideas on nutrition. There are some good running podcasts too, but I’m not sure how into running you are.
I hate audio books too, but love reading. That’s why i don’t run, but ride the stationary bikes. All my podcasts are NPR too!! My newest find is the PopCulture Happy Hour. It’s pretty good, and so is Science Friday.
This morning I got all pouty when I looked in the mirror and couldn’t see any ab definition because there wasn’t enough natural light in the room. So I looked in a different mirror and admired there.
It sounds even worse now that I’ve typed that out.
🙂
Buwhahah! Oh this made my day. And I hope you found some good side lighting too – I’ve found that makes abs pop the best;)
I know that my interval timer annoys the heck out of one of the guys who lifts weights a few times a week. He hasn’t figured out what the noise is from yet. I get secret glee from tormenting him with it during my weekly interval workout 🙂
Haha, I’ve totally done that! I remember searching frantically for whatever piece of equipment was beeping on me only to realize it was the heart rate monitor on the girl next to me:)
Love your list (if I saw someone fall off a treadmill to send a text, I’d probably rip my lycra gym pants from laughing). Just this morning I was grousing about the choice of ‘background’ music at my gym.
In my defence, it was Hall & Oates. Who in the hell wants to listen to ‘private eyes’ at 7am while contorting into ridiculous, and painful, shapes?!
You should run next to me. You’d go through a lot of pants… just sayin’. And I totally agree about lame background music! Our gym was playing Greenday’s 21 Guns the other day… on endless repeat. Seriously I think it played 21 times. I wanted to tie a sweat towel around my ears.
OMG, this post AND the comments are hilarious!!!
I have a pet peeve to complain about: why do people put the treadmill up to it’s highest elevation and then hang on to the bars for dear life while they walk? Why not start at a lower grade and work your way up? You CAN get a good cardio workout on a treadmill without the heart-pounding fear of falling backwards.
When I lived in New York I was very impatient (as most New Yorkers are, lol!) I HATED waiting for anything, and at the gym there was ALWAYS a line for the equipment, and then another line for the showers. Even the pool got so crowded people had to wait and management put a time limit on how long you could stay in.
But I couldn’t decide which was worse: waiting for the dang treadmill, or being one of the lucky ones on the treadmill getting glared at and then YELLED at as soon as the timer hit 30 minutes. “You’re time is up! You HAVE to get OFF!!!!!” Yeah, Lady, I know. Give me a second to stop the treadmill before I disembark, will ya, ya psychopath?
Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I spent so much time walking on a treadmill back then, when I basically spent the days walking all over the city…
I haven’t been in a gym like that for a long time but I remember in college trying to make the same choice about which was worse – usually I ended up just running outside;)
I hear you. I too hate the audiobook. Trying to listen to one is like asking to be in a bad mood.
My evil evil moment is when I’m taking my kids to school or home from school on the bike (we have a cargo bike, it is rad) and we pass hundred of drivers stuck in traffic and we all laugh and wave at them as we roll right up to the front door. The payback comes when for some reason we have to drive and I’m huffing in frustration because I’m the one stuck in traffic and trying to find parking: I have to DRIVE A CAR! Oh the humanity!
I love this so so much. I drive the carpool for my neighborhood and I’ve been known to park the car a block away and walk everyone in just to avoid the line. It’s probably still faster.
I work out in a campus gym and I hate it when the weights are out of order!!!!!!! How did you get into school here if you don’t know that 10 is less than 50? One of these things is not like the others… One of these things is not the same.
Haha so glad I’m not the only one bugged by that. I have to fix it. I just do.
LOL, I actually do have the ponytail/bench press problem! What I do is take my hair down for the presses, and glamorously drape it all over the bench behind me like Rapunzel or something. Which could be sexy, theoretically, but in reality is a bunch of sticky, sweaty hair pouffed out behind me like a big squashed spider.
I love it! I might have tried your solution except that usually I’ve gone to too much work to get the “perfect” pony (no bumps! I have wavy hair and bumps drive me nuts!) to pull it out and put it back up again. But the image of a big squashed spider under your head is the best imagery I’ve read all day!!
This post is so funny! Thanks!
Glad you liked it!
That gal that follows you around doing the same exercises as you,but she has much better form, She has to go!
Isn’t that called a mirror 😉
I love being in shape, but the one thing that I hate dealing with is when people tell me that I’m only able to be in shape because I’m young. Like the blood sweat and tears has nothing to do with it.
I’d like to think they will eat their words when I’m older and still fit. Of course, then they will say it’s because I have all of those years of experience.
Why do I feel like I can’t win when I’m the one who’s in better shape? (*sigh*)
Love, love, love 🙂
And I totally agree about the ponytail on the bench! Clearly we need to wear our hair up, but that knot just doesn’t work well on a bench!
Love all of these! Especially the parking lot one! At our gym there is a supermarket being built next door. I’ve actually had people say they “don’t know what we’ll all do when that place opens, we’ll have to walk so far from our cars to the gym”. Um really?
And why can’t people put weights back properly? ARGH! I used to stay for 10 minutes after class putting the weights back on the racks because people would do them out of order. I’ve learned to not look and move out quickly 😉
Worse than the ponytail thing: trapping ponytail between back and bar (during squats). Causing you to not be able to move your head AT ALL! No matter how much you try to make it right you have to take the bar off, sort your hair out and put the bar back on again. *sigh*
I love this. I love all of this!! I read it at the gym, ironically, after getting so annoyed when someone finished their workout and left the tv on!! There are about 6 tvs, but not personal ones, and they are always SO loud!! I’m trying to read here people! Is it too much to ask to have a little peace and quiet at the gym!? Oh. Right.
Podcasts! PODCASTS!
This American Life, Radio Lab, Stuff You Should Know. And there are podcasts out there on any subject you could hope for. I’m currently having a passionate affair with paleo podcasts.
Podcasts make every boring task better. From laundry to wind sprints.
PODCASTS. Trust me.
I second the vote for podcasts, amazing, educational (or not, if you prefer), FREE entertainment. And the format of good ones will avoid the tedious monologue issue that some audiobooks have (although I love, love audiobooks while I work out as well). I listen to a ton of NPR, PRI, Slate, and assorted science podcasts, there is literally something for any interest, though.
I HATE sharing equipment, too! I don’t even like having to do my workouts out of order if someone else is using something when I get to it in my workout! And then you get those people who do supersets… Are you done using MY equipment or not?
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Just go outdoors to run, it’s a lot more stimulating for your brain to be engaged in the world around you than being on a treadmill! Unless it’s a hurricane or winter storm out, I just don’t know why people run on treadmills. What I like about running is that it’s minimal equipment! ;_; I don’t even wear shoes, ffs.
Ah I would if I could – it’s the gym childcare that keeps me on the tready;)
Drop off the kids, then sneak out the back for a run outdoors 😉
For some reason every time I use an elliptical machine, I managed to find the one in front of the guy who is hacking up a lung on the treadmill. It’s seriously disgusting.
The other pet peeve – the “Droppers.” I know it’s terribly important for you to curl that dumbbell, but when you drop it, it sounds like it’s going to come through the floor and I’m going to have to run out of the locker room in a towel.