“You see my happy shirt?” The little girl’s insistent face pressed nearly up to mine before I noticed her, so enthralled with the book I was reading tonight at the library I was. Truth to be told I didn’t notice her shirt at all, at first, but rather her halo of little cornrow braids with various candy wrappers expertly tied in so that she looked just like a rainbow of Skittles and everyone knows that “Skittles make mouths happy.” So I smiled. What other option did I have?
Proudly she unzipped her jacked and puffed out her twee chest, her toddler breath puffing into my face, reminding me that I still had a shirt to admire. The shirt in question was hot pink with a large smiley face emblazoned on it in black glitter. Her own broad grin echoed that of her shirt. “Well that is the happiest shirt I have ever seen!” I exclaimed both acknowledging and dismissing her in a single breath. Heaven knows I have enough insistent little faces to deal with in my life and for once they were busily reading their own books (which in Jelly Bean’s case entailed putting all the toddler board books into her tiny grocery cart and proclaiming “It’s on sale!” with each new find) so would anyone begrudge me my ten minutes of peace?
“I make dis shirt happy,” she proclaimed.
Then something magical happened. Just as I was about to correct her, as I correct Jelly Bean’s emergent-yet-endearing speech eleventy times a day – “You mean that shirt makes you happy?” – I realized she was right. That shirt didn’t make her happy. Truth: It was nothing more than a gaudy, poorly constructed rag, well worn albeit well loved. Truth: Positively effervescent with the joy of wearing one’s favorite shirt in (presumably) one’s favorite place, she filled that shirt with life. She did make that shirt happy.
The juxtaposition was jarring. At that moment I was deep into The Lifeboat (aff), a book about 39 survivors of a shipwreck crammed together in a rescue boat meant to hold half that for over two weeks. It is a beautiful book. Poignant. And asks many important questions about human nature, character, depravity and how thin the lines are between the three. But mostly it’s a book about desperate choices. Harrowing life and death choices. The kind of choices most of us never have to make, or if we do, they’re among the last ones we make.
But of course the genius of the story is that while we aren’t in a lifeboat, deciding who lives and who dies, we do make choices every single day as to how we will live. And ultimately how we will die. One of the most primary, most elemental, yes, most childlike choices we ever learn is the choice to be happy. We’re born knowing how to do this – as demonstrated by my library sprite – but somehow along the way we let ourselves be convinced that our happiness is out of our hands, that happiness is something that happens to us and then we spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to arrive. Preferably in a pink t-shirt and candy wrappers (I’m slow so thankfully the universe takes pity on me and throws me an obvious sign every once in a while).
Last week I watched a powerful documentary, aptly entitled “Happy,” (see trailer at the bottom of this post, if you’re interested) about how the concept of happiness is defined, sought after and acquired in different cultures. It begins with a rickshaw puller in an Indian slum talking about how happy his life is. As he sweeps his arm around his cardboard-and-tin hut he exults, “We only have a tarp to cover three sides but this allows a cool breeze to go from one end to the other.” Then he adds with a tiny shrug of his bony shoulders, “Of course it’s a bit of a problem in the monsoon season because the rain blows in but I don’t mind the monsoon rains, it keeps my feet from getting burnt in the sun.” His muddy children smile in agreement. But the real wonder of the moment isn’t that he can find happiness in such circumstances but rather, as the movie tellingly flashes through scenes from the US, Europe and Japan, that we who have everything have such a hard time finding it in ours.
I won’t bore you with the statistics or even try and draw any more comparisons between third world subsistence and first world extravagance but as anyone who’s watched the news and had to pop a Xanax knows, there is an epidemic of unhappiness and money is no safe haven. Why this is is varied and complex and the movie does a good job scratching the surface of some of these philosophical questions but there is one answer that is very simple – so simple that we often forget it. As the documentary points out, once a person’s basic needs for shelter, safety, food and love have been met the deciding factor as to how much happiness one has comes down to how we are motivated.
The movie breaks down motivation into two types:
1. Extrinisic motivations are goals “focused on rewards, on praise, on getting stuff”, or any external incentives that make you want to act. The three main types the researchers studied are money (financial success), image (looking right) and status (popularity or acclaim).
2. Intrinsic motivations are goals “inherently satisfying in and of themselves because they satisfy an instrinsic need that all people have” , or an internal drive that makes you want to act on it. The three main types studied are personal growth (being true to “who I really am”), close personal relationships and a desire to help the world become a better place.
That’s a lot of words but it handily explains why the US is 23rd on the list of happiest countries. (Want to know the #1 happiest country, as measured by self-report of the inhabitants? NIGERIA.) What are we told time and time again through media, through movies, and even sometimes through our beloved health and fitness community? That if we work really really hard and get enough money/get beautiful (thin) enough/get famous enough THEN we’ll be happy. Unfortunately with external goals there never is “enough.” Never. Psychologists call it the Hedonic Treadmill meaning that “whatever level of wealth or material goods you have, you’ll adapt to it and you’ll always want more.” (Also known as the reason I own so many dresses. Oops.) They add that “this hedonic adaptation is one of the main enemies of happiness.”
But not only are intrinsic and extrinsic motivations different, moreover they’re “on the exact opposite sides of value systems” so they actively compete against each other for our attention, energy and time. Because if you’re spending more time working to earn more money, then you’re automatically spending less time cultivating those close personal relationships that buoy you up. Because if you’re always fighting for recognition and acclaim then you’re not serving those around you who need your help and becoming connected to your community. Because if you’re so consumed with perfecting your body then you have no time left to worry about developing who you really are inside. And in the worst case scenario we’re brainwashed to think that our body is who we really are and we are nothing more than shiny hair, white teeth and rock-hard abs… things we have only fleeting and minimal control over. Things that all rot and die when we’re chucked off the lifeboat.
Now I’m not saying everyone should ditch their treadmills and head to the commune. As one of the professors in the movie says, “Anybody who says money doesn’t buy happiness should talk to someone living under a bridge. But anyone who says money does buy happiness should talk to Bill Gates. The fact is, neither of these things are true.” But figuring out what exactly is motivating us may make all the difference between delight and despair. This requires asking yourself some hard questions:
Am I training for that race because I love the feel of running and enjoy mastering the sport? Or because I want to earn dessert and fit into my skinny jeans?
Am I trying to lose weight to avoid negative stigmas and increase my standing and popularity? Or because eating healthy foods makes me feel energized and moving my body in a joyous-sometimes-sweaty way allows me to do other things I love with greater ease?
Am I (gulp) writing all these posts and articles and books because I want everyone else to validate me, to tell me I’m awesome and funny and beautiful? Or because I want to help others, build an open thoughtful community, and keep learning even when it hurts?
Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations may, on occasion, get us to the same end (the finish line, size 2 pants, our own TV show) but how we feel about reaching our goal will be entirely different. And it’s not about convincing ourselves that one motivation is more worthy than the other and trying to force ourselves to be perfect but rather taking the opportunity to examine what we deeply want and why exactly we want it so badly. People will say that you can be motivated by both types of goals – and that’s true – but if we’re really honest with ourselves, one will become more important than the other. And in a world where time is the only commodity of real import and it’s already scarce, you will eventually have to choose. I’m not saying I’ve got this nailed down (whoo boy do I need priorities check) but tonight is a great first step.
So: Does the shirt make you happy? Or do you make the shirt happy?
(And seriously – does anyone have a happy shirt? I had one when I was pregnant that had a cartoon zombie on the front and said “I eat braiiiinns”. I still giggle everytime I think about it. I mean, we always say the baby is in our tummy, right? Get it??? Okay, I’m lame. Tell me your fave shirt!)
Whenever I think I’m not happy, I try to look at the positive things in my life (or my blessings, as some would say). When I consider those, it often makes me feel much better.
As for extrinsic vs. intrinsic happiness motivation, I’ll say this: Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it *does* buy security, which is a nice big leap on the way to happiness. I think having a mixture of the two motivations is probably key to happiness.
You feel upset, unhappy, depressed, and hopeless and you are ready to turn the boat around. You have been seeking answers for a long time yet you have never learned how to achieve deep happiness.
You just want peace of mind body spirit yet peace is the last thing on your mind. Your personal and professional relationships are suffering. You are stressed out without relief in sight.
Your solution is right here!
how to find happiness
Great post Char. Have you read The Happiness Project by Gretchin Ruben. I liked it even though I did realize that I am not nearly OCD enough to categorize my own happiness and work on it systematically. I like some of her ideas and if you can make sure you don’t feel guilty for picking and choosing which ideas you like I think you really can do things to make yourself happier. For one, throwing all my kids toys and half their clothes away made my house and myself happier.
That book jumped out at me from an airport bookstore and I couldn’t put it down. I caught myself getting worked up about having to make a chart and -quick! – find 12 things and break them down by month….and then I realized I was missing the point. We are downsizing a LOT this year and it’s been wonderful. Very freeing. Excellent book as a starting point!!
A great post, and I agree with the part about the media and the pressure they put on people to look a certain way and be a certain way. If people stopped taking notice of the media, then they would be happier straight off.
But real happiness comes from within, not from external or material things. Be happy first and everything else will fall into place.
I love that so many people in the video are dancing! That’s what makes me happy!
As I’ve written about this past month, I’m trying to be much more mindful with things. What I’ve realized is that I really AM okay with a lot of things, but the external distractions and pressures that I unconsciously absorb lead me to believe that’s it’s NOT okay to be okay with these things. I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but my point is that if you can be content with yourself without seeking any external validation, then you will truly have peace.
I’m working on this–and a post about this/ego, ironically–but it’s a day to day endeavor. There’s no right answer, only the things that make YOU happy right now. They’re there, and I’m willing to bet that if more people dropped the facade and sat with themselves for awhile, they would see they have all that they need (relatively speaking, of course.)
I’ll shamelessly admit that I exercise mostly to avoid getting a double chin and so I can feel nice-looking in a swimsuit. I don’t actually like getting sweaty and uncomfortable; I’m a homebody type that doesn’t really like pain and discomfort and prefers to stay indoors where I’m on a nice squishy bed or couch. I don’t find any sport enjoyable enough to, say, stop my art or gaming or anything else, to go out and do it. As a result, I pull on the only real motivation I have, because “someday you might be less healthy than you are because of this” isn’t very concrete, is “because otherwise you will not look the way you want to.”
Great post. And it just made me have a moment of gratitude in my morning which is always appreciated.
Although I have a grumpy every now and then, my life is just generally full of joy and happy lately, which I do my darndest not to take for granted. I’ve worked hard to get here. I spent my 20s slaving away to get to a point where I feel like I make stupid money (I’m not rich, certainly, but live comfortably without any real needs unfulfilled and that’s very different than working 80 hours a week and eating ramen like I did out of college), and I actually like my job a lot. My hobby – triathlons – is something I do with my husband and it may not make me look perfect or a size 2 or like a model, but it keeps me strong and healthy and I’m a-ok with that. I have these moments of “this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife” once in a while because it is surreal how awesome my life is.
And now I feel like I just bragged a lot and potentially got off topic, but it’s the truth and now I have a smile on my face. 🙂
I’ve always been pretty focused on determining what makes me truly happy and avoiding things that don’t make me happy. I can say that I’m at least content, if not happy, most of the time and material things don’t motivate me very often. I’m very grateful that I am content and/or happy most of the time because I can just be in the moment and not continually be waiting for the “then I’ll be happy.”
I’ve never believed that looking a certain way would guarantee happiness or that owning certain things would make me happy; though these things might make life more comfortable or convenient.
I love your posts so much, and this one is truly great! I feel that people need to find happiness that isn’t based on a number on the scale, or at the bank. I have a lot of things I want to work towards, but I am extremely happy. Just over this weekend I was reflecting about how absolutely happy I’ve been lately. Besides the material goods that I have, I am exactly where I want to be in life. Sure, I wish I had more money. But doesn’t everyone? I have my health, my animals, and someone who I love dearly. I couldn’t ask for more.
Love the lego men on the cover image Charlotte!
I’m going through a bit of a life transition right now and I’m finding it hard to find a silver lining in all of this potential change. your post helped a great deal.
My 2 cents—-> One thing I have learned about being happy is it takes courage to love and keep the things you enjoy in life. There are plenty of people who will tell me that my love of exotic sports cars is vain, egotistical and selfish. I mean, who can buy a $200,000 car when there are people starving in Africa right?
I tried to fight and deny my love of these cars for many years and it created quite the inner struggle. Once I finally gave myself permission to enjoy such things it became so much easier to be happy.
Thanks so much for your work Charlotte! I really appreciate it.
It’s a learning process, isn’t it? Trying to connect with the things that truly matter, and what really makes us happy. And letting go of everything else: that’s the REALLY hard part!
There ARE external things that make me happy (the “Jazz for Cows” video on YouTube, for example), but happiness really can only come from inside.
And my favorite shirt says “Go ask your dad.”
I don’t have a favorite shirt really (I’m also not a clothes shopper….and I HATE that stereotype on women!!), BUT I have a favorite cup: The Disney resort one with a lid! It reminds me of the happy times we have had there as a family, I can start off my day with coffee in it and drink water, iced tea, whatever (yes, even evening wine! – don’t judge!!) if I need a reminder of how blessed I am. Puts a smile in my heart which spreads to my attitude and face. AND my new one has a pink handle and lid! (In some things, I am ‘girly’! LOL)
I make the shirt happy!
My favorite shirt has doomo-kun on it. What’s better than a socially awkward, affectionate monster?
I have a few favorite shirts. About 20 years ago it was a baby tee with “little miss sunshine” on it 🙂 Now my current favorite is “I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome”. Love that!
Am I happy? Most of the time yes. Sometimes life gets you down, but the trick is pulling yourself up and getting on with things. I guess I learned that lesson from my Mum who basically got knocked down again and again but never gave in, never gave up, and just said “ok what can I do about XXX to make my life better?”. We never had pity parties. When my Mum got ovarian cancer I cried for 10 minutes straight then said “ok that’s the crying out the way, what do we do from here?”. It’s not hard or cold hearted, it’s dealing with sh!t. Dwelling on the negative doesn’t get you anything. Focusing on the positive brings you so much more!
Happiness is a verb. It’s an action, something you do, not something that is done to you.
It’s like words like peace and love… they read as nouns but to live them you have to own them and do them… as verbs.
So I definitely make the shirt happy.
A few years ago, I was on a shopping trip with my bestest girlfriends in Montreal when our car got broken into. For some reason, out of all the bags, they only stole both of mine… all of mine, non of theirs. And it being a shopping trip (I’m from a small town so you go allll out on those) it was filled with never before worn awesome goodies as well as my already awesomest attire (if you go to the city, you pack your best shit!).
Needless to say, I was uber bummed and then some. But I was on a trip with my girls and couldn’t let that sour the whole thing. So, left with the clothes on my back, I went shopping again. And instead of being practical (i did buy clean underwear as an exception), I bought the craziest fun clothes out there including a two-headed t-shirt to wear with a bloody wolf in the middle so that when we wanted to roar at someone we could unsquish and let him attack.
I happied the crap out of that shirt. 😀 And I still have it. Not a practical buy after being clothesless but EPIC.
I love this post. I’ve mentioned many times that this year living in an rv has been the happiest of my life. The funny thing is we have less stuff and have made less money than before. The simplicity, lack of comittments, and uninterrupted quality time with my family had brought more joy than I imagined. The hardest part is teaching my teenage son to value these things. I see the world wanting to suck him into its trap of having the “right stuff” and looking the “right way”. It’s scary for me to watch/fight that message. My Hope is that with prayer, communication, a little tough love, a watchful eye, and example he will get through this teenage land mine without too many scars.
“Unfortunately with external goals there never is “enough.” Never.”
Too true. I’m going through post-thesis withdrawal…and I’m finding the most frustrating question I am getting from many people when they ask about my MSc is “so does this mean you make more money now?” *sigh*
When I got to my uberfittest I felt great, but was forced to look at myself and figure out how to live with the rest of me. You are too right – losing weight or reaching other goals is very satisfying and fulfilling, but you’re always left thinking “well, now what?” My goal lately has been to enjoy the ride…and pay attention to the process. I feel like I spent too much time working and not enough time living the last few years and I want to change that. I want to get back into better shape, but I don’t want to be missing the rest of my life 🙂
If you want to be happy, it is best to surround yourself with positive people. Negativity can ruin everything and will have an effect in your overall health condition too. Happiness is a choice!