Looking them up and down, comparing their physiques to that of the people next to them, checking for a pinch of jiggle or an ounce of wiggle, trying to define “perfect” ab definition and, always, measuring the breadth of their smile against the depth of their ability to deprive themselves in pursuit of an elusive goal (“we can’t tell you exactly what it is but we know it when we see it!”), I didn’t want to judge them. I tried not to. I really did. But then again that’s the whole point of a bodybuilding show.
This past weekend I was invited to watch a beautiful friend compete in the “figure” division of a bodybuilding competition and document her journey for Shape. So I spent an evening with an auditorium full of people weighing and measuring the Grecian beauties on the stage as they stood under spotlights in tiny sparkling suits, posing and turning so we could see every angle, every cut, every hard-earned muscle. And hard-earned they are: my friend’s austere diet and intense workouts required an amazing amount of discipline and dedication. By this weekend she looked perfection, so much so that when she took second place my jaw literally dropped. I couldn’t see any difference between her and the winner. As I squinted to find whatever minor flaw the judges saw, all I could see were a row of some of the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever seen in my life. How do you judge between a Monet and a Picasso? (Scratch that, I’ve never liked Picasso and his weirdly angular boobs. How about a nice Renoir instead?).
While second place is amazing – She qualified for nationals! Woot! – I spent the rest of the night trying to puzzle out the deciding factor. My friend has a remarkably sane attitude about the whole process (she is probably one of the calmest, most grounded women I’ve ever met) but my demons came back faster than you can say “I miss my hip bones!”… which is exactly what I said to my photographer on the way out. Because how do you spend an evening comparing beautiful women to each other without eventually throwing yourself into the mix? It’s the main reason I stopped reading fashion blogs frankly. After spending the last few years trying to learn to appreciate people – myself, especially – for things other than the shape and size of our mortal shell, I had really hoped I was past all that.
Then I got home and found one of the most poignant e-mails I’ve received in a long time. It was a wonderful wake-up call:
“Hi Charlotte! First off, I love your blog. I’ve enjoyed reading about your escapades and adventures. You’re one of the people who inspired me to start my own blog! I’m thankful for your honesty about tough topics. So I’m going to perhaps over-share a little, but I think you’ll understand 🙂
I’m recovering from an eating disorder. In my case, I was restricting my daily intake to roughly 800 calories per day. At the height (lowest point!?) of my madness, (which took me a year to build up to and lasted two months) I was Bodyrocking, and running 30+ minutes, 5-6 days a week. I was tired all the time; my skin, hair and nails were a mess.But here’s the strange thing: I didn’t lose weight. Bodyrock’s promises of flat abs were never fulfilled. No matter how hard I worked, I never saw any definition anywhere. This lead to frustration, which I released by running harder. Everything blew up when I injured my foot in August. The doctor ordered complete rest, or I would never run again. Thankfully, my parents intervened for forced me to take a break. (I’m 17, still at home, and they love me enough to lay down the law 🙂 Through this past month I’ve been able to embrace some of my “forbidden” foods, increase my food intake and let my foot heal. Now the doctor has given me the ok to start exercising again, but I feel lost. One month of no bodyrock or hard running (just gentle walks, doc approved) and my body is still the same.Have you ever heard of this happening? I know there are tons of bloggers who are recovering, and that’s great that they were running marathons and had “perfect” bodies by today’s standards. But what about me? I’m not fully recovered (yet!) I still have days when ED whispers in my ear that if I only had stuck to my rigid lifestyle a little longer, I could have gotten the body I wanted.
Am I an odd case? What did I do “wrong”?”
Here’s the thing, darling reader: Our society is warped. Twisted. A veritable fun-house of fat and thin mirrors when it comes to body image. One on hand we have Kim Kardashian, queen of curves, compelled to exclaim in an interview, “I look a lot bigger on TV. When I meet people, the first thing they say is, ‘Wow, you’re so much smaller than I thought’. I look about 15 lbs heavier. I’m only 115 lbs, and everyone thinks I’m like 130 or 140. It’s bizarre. I’m a US size 2!”
On the other hand we have Kai Hibbard, a finalist on Season 3 of The Biggest Loser, interviewing about how the show gave her an eating disorder to the point where she was eating 1,000 calories while working out 5-8 hours a day. Says Kai about the consequences of her experience, “It gave me a really fun eating disorder that I battle every day, and it also messed up my mental body image because the lighter I got during that T.V. show, the more I hated my body. And I tell you what, at 144 and at 262 and at 280, I had never hated my body before that show.”
Kim Kardashian and Kai Hibbard, I am not (and not just because my name doesn’t start with K) but I really sympathize with their feelings about being on TV and dealing with the resultant body image woes.
I’ve gotten a lot of interesting feedback from my 20/20 piece a few years ago but one of the most common comments I’ve got is some incarnation of “But you never looked that skinny.” The implication of course is that I wasn’t skinny enough to have an eating disorder. I first encountered this during my pre-interview process with Fox News. The producer kept asking me for my “skinniest skinniest pics, the ones that show the most bones.” I knew what they wanted. They wanted to see a 64-lb walking skeleton with a nasogastric tube and furry arms. Because that’s good television. From the very beginning I told them I never got that thin but sent them some pictures from that time period. They weren’t satisfied and kept phoning, texting and e-mailing me for better pics all the way until I’d boarded my airplane. If I were more technically savvy it would have driven me to Photoshop, I swear.
The Skinny Pics Debacle Take 2 happened after the 20/20 interview taped, but before it aired. The producer for the segment e-mailed me many times asking for better shots with the implication being skinnier shots. But it wasn’t limited to just TV people with their characteristic penchant for extremism. My own family joined the chorus. In an e-mail to my uncle about the piece, my father wrote, ” I saw her frequently through the whole time period in question and yes, she was slim, but she was healthy, energetic, and happy (as far as I could see), and so I was never worried. I admit freely that she cares about food in ways I don’t, but hey, different strokes for different folks.”
I love my dad dearly and consider him a great friend as well as a great father but his seeming dismissal of my illness stung. Friends and acquaintances jumped on the bandwagon as well – some by comparing me to the super-skinny Johnny of the 20/20 piece and others by comparing me to popular TV or movie stars. “Well, you were thin but not like Angelina Jolie thin. And she doesn’t have an eating disorder.” To my crazy mind all of these comments came out sounding like “You weren’t thin enough as a normal girl and you certainly weren’t skinny enough as an anorexic/orthorexic. Even when you’re bad you’re not good enough!” How sick would I have to get before people thought I was actually sick?
At the time I had a BMI well under 18.5 which is considered unhealthy according to the standards set by the World Health Organization. But in a world where Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham subsist at about a 16, I did look kind of porky. And it wasn’t just low weight. I lose my period when my BMI dips below 19 – a fact I’ve discovered on several occasions in my post-pubescent life. Amenorrhea is indicative of such poor nutrition that the body feels like it cannot support a baby. I had low iron, whacked-out electrolytes, vitamin deficiencies, a suppressed thyroid (which made me gain ten pounds despite exercising like a fiend), heart arrhythmias, hair loss and stress fractures in my shins that, like you, took me off all exercise for two months. But worst of all was the mental damage. I was depressed, neurotic and withdrawn.
It’s true that I didn’t break any bones, lose teeth or end up in the hospital with a tube up my nose – a fact for which I am deeply grateful. But I did hurt. It’s just most of the hurt was emotional. And that’s the wound I’m still working on healing.
One of things I love most about this Reader’s e-mail is how she points out how easy it is to fall into this trap. We think if we’re not exercising six hours a day then we don’t have a problem. We think if we’re not super skinny then we can’t have an eating disorder. But a lot of women with eating disorders look “normal” to us because we are conditioned to appreciate only extremely thin women.
My point in this whole sad story, dear reader, is to help you see that nothing good comes of comparing yourself to others – to “bloggers with perfect bodies who run marathons”, to movie stars, to friends who compete in bodybuilding shows. I can honestly tell you that all you would have gotten from sticking to your “rigid lifestyle a little longer” was sicker. Even if you did somehow magically end up with the body you always wanted, I can guarantee you that you wouldn’t have been able to see it. One of the worst parts of an eating disorder is that no matter how closely you approximate the fickle standards of catwalk beauty, you will never feel beautiful. You will never win that game. And you have everything to lose from playing. You didn’t send a picture with your e-mail (and I’m not asking for one!) but I’m willing to bet that you already have a perfectly beautiful body. Don’t waste two decades of your life like I did trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing.
I’m posting your letter here because I have an amazing group of readers and I want you to hear this not just from me but from a chorus of strong, beautiful women and men telling you that you are one of us. Already. Just the way you are. (And I’m also posting this here because I can guarantee that you are not the only girl thinking this today – you’re just the only one brave enough to write it:))
Love, love, love,
Charlotte
Your turn: I’m calling on all of you sweet, smart readers now – how would you answer this letter? What would tell this girl (or your own 17-year-old self)??
*Note: I just realized that by including my bodybuilding friend in a post about eating disorders, some may assume that I think she has one too. I totally don’t! Like I said, she is wonderfully sane. I only included that anecdote to show you how easily my thoughts still go to disordered. This is not meant as a commentary on her or on bodybuilding in general.
I can relate to both you and the reader. At my lowest weight, my BMI was 14.6, and I never, ever had anyone say that I was thin. And to this day everyone denies there was anything wrong, even though I even went to a shrink! And when I look at pictures from that time, I am not going to lie. I don’t think I look thin, even in retrospect. I am small and have rounded features, so if I were in your position, the producers would have said the exact same thing to me. My cheeks still even looked round!
As for the reader’s letter, I can certainly relate to going to extreme measures without seeing changes in your body. I can’t tell you how many progress photos I took in the years following anorexia (when I developed new obsessions like excessive exercise) where I look exactly the same. Every time. And I was logging everything I ate. That whole calories in/calories out thing doesn’t work for a lot of us, and for me I know it was because I had destroyed myself in the process of getting down to the very low weight. I gained weight rapidly when I increased my calories to just 1200-1500, so yeah…dear reader, you are not an anomaly. A lot of us have bodies that react differently than a calculating machine.
As for advice, my only advice to the reader is to keep challenging yourself. The more you assert yourself when that voice whispers in your ear, the quieter it becomes. My other piece of advice may not seem related to recovery, but for me it was very important. Pursue passions that truly interest YOU, outside of health and fitness. I know that a lot of my ED stemmed from feeling like, as a teenager, I had no agency. My life felt so controlled and organised by school, extra-curricular activities, etc., that I tried to demonstrate agency by creating my own structures. It is a paradox that I didn’t realise until long after the fact, but I really wish I had known as a teenager. A big aspect of recovery is not just letting go of the need to be controlling, but pursuing things that give you a sense that it’s YOUR life.
A bit of a ramble, but it’s late Down Under!
Not a ramble at all! I love both pieces of advice: “The more you assert yourself when that voice whispers in your ear, the quieter it becomes. My other piece of advice may not seem related to recovery, but for me it was very important. Pursue passions that truly interest YOU, outside of health and fitness.” Love, love, love. Thank you for sharing your experience Sarah!
This is precisely the kind of thing that makes me want to completely stop reading fitness blogs, food blogs (vegetarian is best! no, paleo is best! no, you’re going to die if you eat paleo!), etc. It’s a sea of information and those of us who are unhappy with our bodies, for whatever reason, are adrift on it. What we really need is to get away from all of it, and just listen to our bodies and what they are telling us. I’m certainly not perfect in this regard, and I need to take my own advice. It’s just that her email displays to me so clearly what all the media around fitness and food really produces: confusion, conflicting information, and rampant self-doubt. We get so far away from knowing what works for our bodies.
My advice to her would be what my therapist’s advice was to me a few months into my ED treatment:
STOP bodyrocking, or at the very least stop reading their entries or following their advice (which is totally one-size-fits-all, “you WILL get these results if you just do these workouts”, self-doubt-promoting, will just reinforce her question “what am I doing wrong?”).
STOP reading fitness and food blogs. They are not emotionally safe for women like us who are looking actively for ways to compare ourselves and tweak our punishments for not being ‘good enough’.
STOP tracking: calories, body fat, carbs, pounds, whatever. Just force yourself to stop, ideally with the support of a therapist or counselor if you have access to one.
All three good points but I especially like you mention tracking – giving up all the numbers and the “control” they gave me was HUGE for me. Chucking my scale was the first real moment where I felt like “yeah, I can do this. I can get through this.” Thank you Emily!
The whole ab thing can be a frustrating goal. Even when I’m at a higher weight, I carry my weight on my butt, which frustrates the heck out of me, but means that I have decent abs that get downright chiselled when I get thinner. I have a friend who is much tinier than I who gets annoyed to no end that she does not have abs despite working for them. Sometimes it requires a low BMI for them to really show, and that BMI just isn’t sustainable in a “normal” life. My doctor has always been careful at telling me that it’s more important to be healthy and do the things I want to in life…numbers on the scale can be frustrating. It certainly doesn’t help that the current main bodyrocker is naturally boyish in figure with a very low BMI…I don’t think most people could reach and maintain her physique.
What am I trying to say? Well, don’t let the quest for a goal make you think less of yourself. Be strong and beautiful. Be healthy. You don’t have to be extremely lean like an elite athlete to be healthy in shape and you shouldn’t feel like you have to be to have succeeded in looking after yourself. You are unique. 🙂
You’re right – so much is genetics. The girls on Bodyrock are picked exactly because they already posses the physique needed (and maybe the surgery needed…). Thank you Geosomin!
I started to write a really long comment, but then I remembered that I wrote this for the Feministing Community site a few years ago:
(Warning: potentially very triggering) http://community.dev.feministing.com/2009/10/26/an-eating-disorder-ten-years-later/
Oh, and more good news–I’ve continued to get better and better in the three years since I wrote that. I’m not at the point of fully, 100% recovered yet, but I’m getting there.
Ooh thank you both for your story Melissa and for your progress update:)) For someone very much at the beginning of recovery, hearing success stories can be a life line. Thank you!
“What did I do “wrong”?”
You’re 17 and imo, the part you’re doing wrong is the being a teenager part.
I don’t want to sound condescending like “If I knew what I knew now at your age, blah blah” but you’re being way too hard on yourself when you should be enjoying getting to know yourself (your likes, dislikes, strengths,weaknesses and exploring the depths of your emotions, yours passions, what makes you bleed, etc.)
All this working out and tracking sounds so serious for anyone, at any age. Go crazy, be silly, get happy, party, pee your pants, make your life about the stories, not about numbers.
I say this with love, not judgement. I think we’ve all been there and I remember being especially hard on myself in my teens (all these emotions and none are self love!) but that’s the advice I would need I was in that place.
– V
” Go crazy, be silly, get happy, party, pee your pants, make your life about the stories, not about numbers.” SO so beautifully said. Thank you Veronique!!
There’s an opposite side the whole “I wasn’t thin enough for people to worry” issue.
I’ve always been thin, and I work out consistently and eat healthily.
In the 9-10 months, I’ve gained about 12-15 pounds despite my best efforts not to. I still look “leanish” in clothes(though I have had to buy all new underwear, pj’s, workout shorts and some new pants/skirts to fit my larger size) so people dismiss the fact that an unintended weight gain has occurred and may be the symptom of something.
I’m even having a hard time convincing my doctor to look into it because I still “look” thin. I’m trying to get my hormones tested and I’m meeting some resistance because it’s “only” 10-15 pounds. My point is though, at what point is it okay to test for a problem because you keep gaining weight(despite your best efforts to stall or lose)?? When I am 60 pounds overweight and have diabetes, hypertension and other obesity onset illnesses??
I think we should always be taken seriously when we feel something is “off” with our bodies, no matter what that is. You are the expert of yourself! Keep looking until you find a doc who will really listen to you…
Wish I had some good answers for all this! (And it’s kinda unfortunate that my post today is weight loss related, without any of my more customary grouchiness around the fact that society pushes women who are a healthy weight to become thinner and thinner! My bad. Totally playing into the dynamic myself and this is a really good reminder).
I think self-love is one of the hardest things in life to learn and internalize. It seems at least a good sign that at 17, your articulate correspondent is already reaching out and pondering and questioning, which will stand her in good stead if she can fight against society’s ridiculous brainwashing of women re: appearance and body image.
” It seems at least a good sign that at 17, your articulate correspondent is already reaching out and pondering and questioning, which will stand her in good stead if she can fight against society’s ridiculous brainwashing of women re: appearance and body image.” I agree completely:) I think she’s already ahead of the game!
I look at pictures of myself at 17 and think, “WHY did I think I was fat?!?!?” I had great curves, huge boobs and was 30 lbs lighter than I am now. That’s just a really tough age, ED or not. I would look at Seveteen magazine and agonize over not looking like the models, but my body just wasn’t built to look like that. My hips can get slimmer, but never disappear. My boobs don’t shrink when I get thinner. Clothes never look the same on models as they do on me. I have to find what compliments my shape. I eschew skinny jeans and frilly-fronted shirts and savor full-fat lattes when I want one. Now, at 27, I see that NONE of my self-worth is determined by what is on the outside. I am, however, obsessively checking my grammar, LOL.
I thought I “had a tummy” on me when I was 17 and looking back, I wish I had simply maintained what I had back then. I ate what I wanted, was active, healthy and mostly happy (parents divorce was tough some days).
Even though the active, healthy and happy are true, I’ve been dieting and exercising off and on for years attempting to get rid of the 46 lbs. hanging on me now that weren’t with me when I was 17.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?
LOL about the grammar;) And I agree – it really just a tough age. I too look back at pictures of myself and wonder what on earth I was ever worried about! So glad you’ve been able to see your own unique beauty as you’ve grown up, Shayna!
Hi Charlotte,
I just wanted to say that this post helped restore my faith in humanity. Being a female human life form in 2012’s version of the United States of America can be brutally cruel and we sure could use a lot more people like you working on being a part of the solution vs continuing to contribute to the problem.
I’m not much of a spiritual person but, if there is a God, I hope he is smiling down on you and your family today.
This made me grin and grin. Thank you so much:) The real beauty in this is how many wonderful, inspiring stories you all have shared – I have the best readers ever!
I’m…really sad to find out that some people never get abs. It’s sort of a life goal for me, the point where I have mustered enough willpower and badassery to look like I hurl rocks for a living.
” to look like I hurl rocks for a living.” This made me giggle! And hey, if you can hurl rocks who cares whether your abs are perfectly defined?!
I just want to weigh in that this is an issue with both genders. As a 40 year old guy, people comment often about what great shape I am in, but my brain immediately jumps to the few more pounds I want to lose or the couple of abs that aren’t showing. This girl sounds amazingly wise, so with the right info I bet she’ll figure it out for herself in no time. It sounds like she has the right support.
Thank you Dr. Mark! You are so right in that this affects so many people on so many levels – I appreciate your bravery and openness:)
Hoo boy, does this all ring a bell! Much of what I write here will be familiar to you, so please feel free to skip it, lol!
When I was in college I became bulimic. But I not only didn’t get skinny, I actually GAINED weight (because I was bingeing more than I was purging, and bingeing on junk). I kept thinking I didn’t have a problem because I was getting chubby. Then one day, a friend of mine who was a nursing student called me up and asked if we could go for a walk. On that walk, she asked me flat-out if I was purging. She knew the signs: pale skin, dark circles under my eyes, and a whole host of others other than extreme skinniness, and told me, in no uncertain terms, to stop. Because I was ruining my health.
She was right, of course, and eventually I DID stop.
Until grad school, when I became anorexic. After grad school I started to straighten myself out again. By that time, however, I was living in L.A. trying to make it as an actress in the height of the “Ally McBeal” super-skinny phase. Even though I’m 5’9″ and at the time weighed 140, I was continually dismissed as being too fat. (And, at 27, too old, but that’s another post.)
After that came the compulsive exercise, which started when I was on Weight Watchers and could “earn” extra points (and, hence, eat more food) by exercising. The longer and more strenuously I worked out, the more I could eat. This was after having 2 healthy pregnancies, during which I took good care of myself and my babies.
Finally, we moved out of L.A to the San Francisco area, and I immediately put on about 10 pounds (I call them my “happy pounds’). Then my dad died and I put on 20 more (really unhappy pounds), of which I’ve lost about 10-12.
I realize that sometimes I feel deeply unhappy. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, and food is my drug of choice. Being skinny didn’t make me happy, nor has being fat. I need to find the happiness elsewhere inside of me, or else this battle with food and weight will continue for the rest of my life
And that would be a waste of a VERY GOOD life. One filled with many blessings and, potentially, a whole lot of happiness.
While I have heard your story before, it’s such a powerful one that I learn something new everytime:) I love this: “Being skinny didn’t make me happy, nor has being fat. I need to find the happiness elsewhere inside of me, or else this battle with food and weight will continue for the rest of my life.” For some of us, we struggle with this for our whole lives but it does get better and like you said, it’s a fight so worth fighting! Love you Alyssa!!!
I too could just cry at reading her letter and your post. This is my life. The only one who knows I have/had an ED is my husband. I did tell my sister the other day and she was shocked. She had no idea by looking at me.
I totally agree that so often people assume the only way you have an ED is if you are puking, using laxatives and uber bone thin. That just isn’t true. The reason they think that is because they don’t understand that it is a mental disease. They have no idea how their “oh you are so skinny, why do you need to workout” comments trigger me. Or like you said reading fitness blogs, magazines etc can trigger me. Even when you “recover” you don’t. It is always there in the back of your mind. It is more like remission than recovery in my opinion.
My advice to this young girl is this: Admitting you have a problem is obviously the first step. The next thing is to find a healthy workout routine to do. We all need to workout; we just need to do so healthfully and as a release of energy and for that burst of endorphins it provides. Don’t use exercise as a way to “punish” yourself and your body. Make it part of being a healthy you.
Food. I have to tell myself every.single.day. that food is fuel. I need to eat the right things to be healthy and stay strong for my family and kids. I am a registered dietitian {just another mask I used to cove up my ED} but it backfired and helped me to realize the importance of proper nutrition. Starving yourself can actually keep you from losing weight as your body hangs on to all it can get.
You are 17 so you still have a lot of life to get through. These years are the toughest, so much pressure put on being “hot and sexy.” But try to find just one thing about your body that you like or that is serving you well. My body gave me two babies and now I look different, but it was worth it.
Find people who support you and understand where you are coming from, it makes this so much easier to cope with!
Oh Michele! Telling your husband and sister is a HUGE step and I’m so proud of you! You’re so right that admitting it is the first step. I hope you also have a professional that can help you navigate the steps. (I think it’s especially essential for those of us “in the biz” and thinking that we should know better;)) Your bravery and openness is heartwarming and I’m so glad you’ve shared your story! Keep me posted on how everything goes.
Charlotte, I am again reminded of why I love your blog so much!
I really appreciate the answer you gave to your correspondent and wish I had people like you to ask those questions to when I was 17.
I think her hurting her ankle and being unable to exercise is a blessing in disguise! My ED was at its height when I was 17. I was Bulimic, so I was never “skinny”. Yet I obsessed about food, made myself sick and spent hours exercising and even just pacing around the house to “burn fat”.
My advice to your reader would be to STOP, right now! Not everybody can have a 6 pack. I hate how now women are not only supposed to look like models, we are also supposed to run marathons, lift heavy etc
On my blog I do try to show some kind of balance. Yes I exercise regularly, but only for 30 t 45 min a few days a week. And I don’t when I don’t feel like it! Yes I eat healthy, but I listen to my body.. I’m neither paleo nor vegan, I just eat what makes me feel good (and cheese and chocolate!)
I stopped reading blogs that I feel are not “real”. Life has it’s ups and downs and we are all unique. So any blog, fitness program or magazine that promotes one plan and one kind of body is not for me.
Your reader seems to have incredible wisdom and a great support system. So she should take advantage of it.
Verbal diarrhea over lol
Haha I would not call this “verbal diarrhea”! I love your advice. Especially this: “Life has it’s ups and downs and we are all unique. So any blog, fitness program or magazine that promotes one plan and one kind of body is not for me.” I totally agree. Thank you so much for sharing your experience Helene!!
I agree with everything everyone has said, some great personal stories and comments. I also want to mention that cardio is not the answer. I spent my 20’s teaching hi-lo aerobics and step. Literally 3-4 hours a day, then I’d do the elliptical all to try and get “lean”. It never came… Like charlotte I wanted the 6-pack, just needed to do more cardio I guess? NO! I needed to do more weights. I educated myself more and 15 years later I’m in better shape than I ever have been, and yes I can see my 6-pack (not as much as I’d like but it’s there!). I do 2 cardio sessions a week, period. THe rest of the time is weights, and some light walking when I walk the dogs twice a day. I’ve done the long distance running it doesn’t work for me.
Food wise I will say that eating healthy clean, unprocessed food makes me feel fantastic which is why I do it. I still eat out, I still eat burger and fries (red robin at the weekend, yes I had extra fries!!!) but the majority of my diet is good wholesome clean food which is what I prefer to eat.
I also want to touch on charlottes point about how we see ourselves. After losing 30lbs, and dropping body fat % it took me about 18 months before I stopped buying “big clothes”. I had to basically shop in the teen section of the store to find clothes that fit “properly” now (small frame). Even now I occasionally slip up, but we just don’t SEE ourselves how everyone else sees us. It wasn’t till I walked past a full length mirror (all dressed up) I realised that I looked pretty damn good! The MIND is the biggest factor in any of this, change your mind and the rest will follow. No-one told me I was fat because I carried it well, it was 30lbs but it was all fat, and more importantly *I* was miserable! I was using food to fight depression, and it wasn’t working…
There is so much I love about your story, Di! I love that you were an original cardio queen and have since recovered (like, you know, so many of us!). I love that you eat food that makes you feel good and you do it out of self-love, not punishment. I love that you brought up the emotional ties between food and depression. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I really appreciated this post and I’m sure the girl who wrote to you appreciated it as well. I just want to add my personal experiences with “invisible eating disorders”.
I have gone back and forth between anorexia and bulimia for over 10 years. Over that time, I have been everywhere from extremely underweight to quite overweight. I have also met many other people with eating disorders through my time in treatment centres. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. I think it is really important to recognize that just because one is not underweight, that doesn’t mean that they are in any less danger- especially if they are engaging in dangerous behaviours like purging or over exercising. I have known people who did not survive their eating disorders, and not all of them were underweight. You don’t need to have furry arms and a tube up your nose to be in danger.
While I am not shocked by your experience with producers wanting to sensationalize your eating disorder, I am still disgusted by it.
Thanks for bringing more awareness to this issue.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Ryan! And this: ” I think it is really important to recognize that just because one is not underweight, that doesn’t mean that they are in any less danger- especially if they are engaging in dangerous behaviours like purging or over exercising.” Is so important.
I really appreciate this post. I do not have an eating disorder, and I actually consider myself to have a pretty healthy body image. But lately I have found myself getting a little down on myself and comparing myself to people who have health/fitness blogs. I try not to, but it does happen, and then I just try to regain perspective and think about all the things I can do, and to be grateful! Sounds trite, but it works. Then today I received a JCPenney ad in the mail and the model who was modeling the plus-size clothes looked almost exactly my size, maybe just a tad bigger, and I wear a size 4, occasionally a 6! This made me a little upset. Our country seems a little crazy about this.
Anyways, as I have thought about why perhaps lately I have been getting down on myself and wondering what I could possibly do to be thinner (stupid thoughts, I know, because I am very healthy and at a healthy weight), the thought comes to my mind to get over myself. Serve someone else. That is what I am going to focus on and that is my thought for the 17-year old girl. I’m not saying that will in any way cure her ED (I have NO clue about EDs), but maybe it will help her to take some focus off of herself and by making someone else happy, she might gain some sense that she is worth so much more than what she looks like.
Ah I know those ads! This is why women honestly have no idea what “real” even looks like anymore, in any size. And thank you for the advice to serve others – in my experience, it’s always the best pick-me-up!!
I think one of the things that can help is to focus your efforts on being healthy and strong. Something like strength training (including simple body-weight exercises, like learning to do a good push-up… or ten, or more) is a very practical way to (a) improve your health (including your bone density, which may be particularly important if you’ve been restricting for a long time), and (b) appreciate your body for what it can do and seeing genuine “progress” from your efforts.
The internal changes in the way you see yourself are obviously complex and can take a long time. But changing your goals for the externals can contribute a lot. Going to the gym for a while gave me a chance to appreciate other women’s bodies for their strength, rather than inches or cellulite or whatever other criteria we learn to use, as well as a non-weight-related yardstick for appreciating my own.
I love your advice about getting your goals straight first. What’s the old saying about climbing up ladders only to realize they’re leaning against the wrong building?? 🙂
I would tell her that although it was misplaced, her work ethic and attention to detail could be put to such good use — rather than wasting it on trying to win the “genetics” game. Find a sport and put that same effort and energy into discovering what your body AND mind can do, and soon you will be worrying far less about what it looks like. You’ll probably surprise yourself too, and your body will change in beautiful ways without even trying! You’ll love those glutes, legs, obliques, whatever that can serve a volleyball, run a 5K, or play field hockey! Then you can start talking about how much you have to eat, just to sustain your cool athletic body!
Cheers to you for identifying a problem and bringing it to light…now start finding a sport that will be lucky to have your dedication!
This is brilliant: ” Find a sport and put that same effort and energy into discovering what your body AND mind can do, and soon you will be worrying far less about what it looks like. ” Thank you Cort!!
BEAUTIFUL post. I’m 16, and with her being only a year older, I would tell her that she has done nothing wrong. I know a few girls who are not by any standards “anorexic skinny” but still have an eating disorder. Your appearance really isn’t all there is to an indication of an eating disorder, I have learned. I think you’re right too in saying that even if she HAD gotten those ripped abs, she still wouldn’t have seen them. Eventually, she would develop body dysmorphic disorder, and would ultimately never be pleased with what she saw in the mirror–she would always just keep striving for more. And, to gets ‘ripped abs,’ an often underestimated and neglected aspect is that STRESS cause you to hold onto fat. Stessing about constantly exercising and also putting stress on your body from said exercise will certainly not help you get abs. Combine that with undereating and that is a problem. Like I said, this is a brilliant post. I am APPALLED at those producers who kept badgering you for ‘skinny’ pictures. Who do they think they are? That is ridiculous. And hearing that quote from Kim Kardashian makes me want to scream at her. Does she really have to tell everyone that “Hey! I AM tiny people!” No. I think in all that you have to find YOUR passion, be it running, bodybuilding, etc. and ultimately finding a way to cherish and love your body. I can’t imagine how awful life would be if I constantly hated myself. Thanks for this awesome post!
Man, I’m SO proud of all these smart, funny, articulate teens! Thank you so much Brittany for sharing your thoughts – great point about KimK;)
I struggled with various eating disorders for a long time, but it wasn’t until I was actually studying them in college did I realize I suffered from them. It took nearly 5 years, but I can say I’m free from any form of disordered eating, but here’s the messed up part.
Many of my friends think I’m some sort of a freak! They think I’m crazy to not worry about gaining weight or feel guilty about eating certain foods. Not to toot my horn, but I look, feel and perform a heck of a lot better than when I battled food but back then everyone thought I was doing things “right.”
Now they look at my carefree diet “lifestyle” and think I’m some sort of anomaly.
The best thing about discovering my E.D. was that I could finally see the forest for the trees. I’m far happier now, but it still drives me crazy when people snicker at me when I don’t conform to the rules they think I should be eating by.
There’s just no pleasing everyone, so I guess I gotta just please me.
I totally get this: “Now they look at my carefree diet “lifestyle” and think I’m some sort of anomaly.” There’s a certain camaraderie in all the diet talk and taking yourself out of all of it is sometimes taken as a social snub or something. It’s weird. And you’re so right, you can’t please everyone. So glad you overcame your ED Matt and are in such a great place with it now!
I completely agree with and appreciate what you said about how we’re conditioned to appreciate extremely thin women. At various parts of my eating disordered years, I weighed more than I had previously, and no one guessed that I had an issue due to how I looked. But of course my mental state was way off. And there were no many abnormal physical things I experienced! I couldn’t fall asleep at night, I fell asleep in classes no matter what I did (even when poking my fingers with pins!), at times my throat was so torn up that I would choke on food I tried to swallow, and I could go on. My point is that I agree that there are many “invisible” eating disorders, and no one’s struggle should be dismissed when they don’t look like a holocaust survivor.
Thank you so much for this reminder! I loved your “invisible” term so much that I changed my title to include it. Thank you and I hope that you are doing better with your ED stuff right now. It’s a long journey for some us ((hugs))
I can totally relate! The lowest weight I have ever been with my ED was a BMI of 18.1, and that used to not bother me until I started recovery. Once I did, I felt like because I wasn’t thin enough I didn’t deserve to see the counselors or doctors or nutritionists I’ve been referred to. This only made my disorder worse because I tried to lose more weight, and now recovery is more of a struggle. To the reader I would say eating disorders do not discriminate, and congratulations on taking on your recovery so maturely, I think you’re intelligent enough to realize you don’t have to be a skeleton to be struggling.
Oooh yes the “deserving” to be in treatment! I had a lot of the same thoughts. Like I was wasting their talent and time by getting healthy too fast or something… eesh. Love this: “eating disorders do not discriminate”
This letter breaks my heart. Your response was sincere and loving. You have a wonderful gift of compassion and thoughtfulness that is clearly being used in the “bigger picture”.
PS I want to kick that trainer who told you to keep getting a lower bf% in the face.
PSS Aren’t figure competitions strange? I freaked out at my first one and had to run out the back and cry. All the fake tans, implants, low body fat % really got to me. I felt like I had stepped into another world and it wasn’t one I wanted to stay in.
Yeah… I wish you’d been there with me to explain it all! I’m still processing it.
What a great post Charlotte. I think this is such an important issue. When I was super sick my friends and family knew it because I’d dropped 50+ lbs in a matter of a few months (also destroying my body in the process- skin does not change size that quickly, but that’s besides the point). New people I met never looked twice. I got compliments all the time. I was also underweight and not menstruating. The whole thing still makes me crazy.
I’m years and many lbs from that now but it’s still rough. I alternate with struggling to eat enough and struggling not to eat too much. But my problems feel so invisible because I’m not a stick. I never tell anyone because I’m sure they’d look at my body in disbelief.
As for your reader all I can say is, it gets better! Hopefully she caught the ED in it’s early stages and with therapy can get past it quickly. Besides that though, life after high school and even after college just gets better and better.
Oh honey. This: “I’m years and many lbs from that now but it’s still rough. I alternate with struggling to eat enough and struggling not to eat too much. But my problems feel so invisible because I’m not a stick. I never tell anyone because I’m sure they’d look at my body in disbelief.” Know you are not alone in this, not at all:)
Charlotte, once again – a stellar response to a complex and heartbreaking issue.
“We think if we’re not super skinny then we can’t have an eating disorder.”
So, so, so true. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) has classified an eating disorder called “Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified”. People suffering this type of eating disorder typically have sub-threshold levels of anorexic / bulimic symptoms. However, the DSM-IV lists symptoms such as:
Rumination about body appearance, thinness, eating, and weight management.
Articulates “I don’t have an eating disorder but I think about food all the time”
Excessive exercise or rumination about exercising
Secretive eating
Highly scale-oriented with frequent self-weighing
Knowledgeable calorie, fat, and nutritional intake counters
That certainly describes the type of eating disorder I’ve suffered with in the past, and sounds similar to what this poor girl is going through.
“Even if you did somehow magically end up with the body you always wanted, I can guarantee you that you wouldn’t have been able to see it. One of the worst parts of an eating disorder is that no matter how closely you approximate the fickle standards of catwalk beauty, you will never feel beautiful.”
Sigh. The awful truth behind the myth of weight loss. It has taken me years to love and appreciate my body for the incredible vessel it is. And I’m still learning. It’s always a process. And while a perfect body isn’t guaranteed to make you happy; loving your body as perfectly enough, will.
This: “And while a perfect body isn’t guaranteed to make you happy; loving your body as perfectly enough, will.” is possibly the most elegant response I’ve heard to this question! And thank you for bringing up ED-NOS. It exists for a reason, for sure.
*blush* thanks Charlotte.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. That aside, I’m a whopping 15 years old, so my maturity is overwhelming. I’m panicking about the SAT (and for once not the only one!). My wonderful English teacher who doesn’t know I’m crazy told me it’s impossible to get a 6 on the writing without using at least one compound-complex sentence, so now I’m hyper-aware of every two+ IC, one+ DC sentence I use. <–Case in point. Is it true? By the way, I taught the majority her class basically everything about clauses. That makes me cool, right?
And about the whole eating disorder thing, guess what? Me too. I started out thin and ended up thinner. Six months of that planted me in a hospital for a month and a half—nothing like bed-rest to make me feel like a plant. But in classic ED form, I saw none of this. Apparently my denial was so strong that I lied to the point of being diagnosed with something that probably won't exist in five years. After all, I would have to be crazy to admit that I was crazy. Does this make me crazy?
Seeing as I am an SAT essay grader, I can tell you that your teacher is not technically correct – the entire grading rubric is public and on the SAT homepage. However, a properly executed compound-complex sentence definitely won’t hurt you! Just judging from this though I think you’ll do just fine.
And if you’re crazy then we’re all crazy! Thank you for your smart, empathetic comment! ((hugs)) to you for your journey as well:)
Wow! What an amazing 17 year old. When I had my ED I hit a really low weight (under 80lbs not sure of the exact weight). I looked terrible. Everyone knew I had an ED. However, my recovery happened long after my weight gain. I really struggled with my weight and all the mental stuff well past the time I reached a healthy weight. So I understand how ridiculous it is to judge whether or not a person really “has” an eating disorder based on weight. I guess people who have never had one don’t understand. Ignorance fuels a lot of horrible comments. Body image is totally distorted and you’re right it doesnt matter how perfect your body gets, once you’re in that mindset you’ll never be satisfied. Recently I lost all my baby weight and felt fab, then we went away with my mother in law. She lost heaps of weight and I felt over weight and self conscious the whole time! Stupid.
Isn’t it frustrating how easily someone else’s weight loss can trigger those feelings? To this day I have SUCH a hard time listening to people discuss their diets/weight loss. It gets easier but it never get easy… Thank you for sharing your experience Jess!!
This is a hard comment for me to leave, because like many of the women who read your blog, I also had an eating disorder. First, I HATE it when people start their eating disorder stories like some sort of sporting event that can be ranked by score and numbers, divulging, disgusting and shockingly low body weights like bragging rights of who was farthest gone. This is one of the many reasons, eating disorders are often invisible, society focus on “scary” thin, but eating disorders are plenty “scary” and harmful without the emanciation. So, I’ll just say that when I was a teenager, my extreme calorie restriction and obsessive exercise caused my body to shut down. I had a heart attack at 15 years old. Thankfully, I got some serious, extended professional help and over 10 years later am now a Personal Trainer with a passion for teaching others to LOVE and nourish their bodies to their healthiest, happiest self (not based on numbers or sizes). One thing I have learned from watching eating disorder patients and hopeful weight loss clients alike, is that if you abuse your body it will not respond or only temporarily. Reading your letter, I would guess that you were over-training and your body was responding by staying in a state of panic and fighting to hold onto every gram of fat because your body sees fat as it’s defense mechanism. You were also likely burning any muscle you had because you weren’t fueling your body with enough nutrients to maintain it. Extremely low fat diets actually encourage your body to hold onto bodily fat because you aren’t getting enough dietary fat. If you exercise a moderate amount and eat plenty of nutrients your body will respond by building muscle and burning fat because it feels “safe.” Of course, . . .. the big wild card is stress. If you HATE your body and look at it with disgust and work out AGAINST it . . .your body will feel that stress and also not respond because it doesn’t feel safe and loved. So, first . .. .learn to LOVE your body and learn that LOVING your body means nourishing it in every way possible.
YES to this: “LOVING your body means nourishing it in every way possible.” And thank you so much for sharing your incredibly powerful, poignant and still-emotional story. I know a lot of people will take strength from your example:)
I don’t exactly know how to answer anything in this article. I certainly hope the young lady that wrote the email realizes her true worth. She is certainly more than just a body, but society is certainly to blame for making the youth of today feel worthless if they’re not super skinny. It’s sad. My problem is kind of on the opposite side of the ED spectrum. I don’t eat too little, nor do I eat too much, but I don’t exercise regularly, if at all even though I really want to and I will eat probably one good meal a day and the rest of the day, I nosh on whatever I have lying around. This is combined with my extremely contradictory self image I have. My desire isn’t to be “skinny”, it’s to not be fat. I am so scared of becoming my mom that I don’t eat healthy, but I’m so scared of getting an ED that I eat anything, regardless of nutrition, setting myself up for failure either way. I am the queen of excuses to not be healthy.
I hope the young lady finds her answers.
Oh Shari! This: “I am so scared of becoming my mom that I don’t eat healthy, but I’m so scared of getting an ED that I eat anything, regardless of nutrition, setting myself up for failure either way. I am the queen of excuses to not be healthy.” is such a good example of how our culture is so confused on this subject. I can tell you this: You are not your mother. You’re not anyone but you and who you are is beautiful, no matter what you weigh.
I really enjoyed this article. I remember when I was trying to get impatient treatment (ok, so it was my mom, not me, who wanted treatment) and they told me I wasn’t sick enough. (I was diagnosed with ED, NOS – didn’t meet all the criteria for a specific diagnosis.) My symptom I used, (un)fortunately left me in my normal weight range, but wrecked havoc on my body. I couldn’t stand up without feeling dizzy and my hair feel out like crazy. Even after being admitted to the hospital, the staff still made me feel like I shouldn’t be there. After being discharged, I felt like a complete and total failure. I was already struggling with issues of not feeling good enough, and, at the time, I thought I couldn’t even do this right. Needless to say, I just got worse. I stopped eating completely and lost about 25lbs in less than a month. Even though I was still at a healthy weight, I looked malnourished and sick. I feel there is a tendency, especially in the metal health field, to overlook those who suffer from an ED but don’t fit nicely into a category (I think binge eating is a big thing that is overlooked). It’s very frustrating working in the mental health field and know that a bunch of the professionals out there wont touch issues surrounding food. Now, trying to loose weight in a healthy manner, I am afraid I will fall back into old habits and professionals will overlook my symptoms and think they aren’t a problem. (Like they do my mom….funny, wonder where I got my issues from!!)
Thank you Charlotte for your awesome words of wisdom!
I agree that binge eating doesn’t get nearly the attention it deserves from the ED community. I’m appalled that the staff would make you feel “less than” in your eating disorder – esp. since that competitiveness and perfectionism is a large part of what drives it in the first place! I’m so glad you are doing better now and huge ((hugs)) for your continued progress! You can do this in a safe, sane, healthy way – I know you can!
I am currently in ED treatment. MOST OF THE WOMEN THERE ARE AT A “NORMAL” weight; many of us have been weight-restored for years even if we initially hit a scary-low weight. Eating disorders are a MENTAL illness, not a physical one, characterized by persistent dissociation and obsessive/compulsive thoughts and habits. Physical health is one of the things eating disorders can harm, but it’s not the only one.
I can also relate to the reader who wrote in. While I did have a visibly scary-skinny phase, my most recent brush with extreme restriction and overexercise never got me below a BMI of 18.6 (albeit, at a bodyfat % of 12). But it DID make me extremely physically ill and suppressed my thyroid to borderline hypo- levels. And guess what? When I began eating /literally twice as many calories a day/ and cut my exercise in half… I gained nothing. Zero pounds. My body fat actually decreased. My TSH level went way down from borderline hypothyroid to borderline hypERthyroid.
While my ED-self might not have seen it this way, I now see these results as tremendously hopeful: like the reader, my body knows where it wants to be and now I can trust it to keep me here. That, in my view, is a blessing–not a curse.
Eating disorders are not diseases with the ‘upside’ of making you skinny. Eating disorders are diseases that make life so miserable that you can’t even notice your body except to notice that it is in constant pain and confusion.
Great response to a great, brave letter.
SO many things I love in this comment! First, thank you thank you thank you for sharing your story Sam – I know a lot of people will find strength and comfort in it! Second, you are the first person besides me that has connected their hypothyroid to their ED like that. Third, I love that you talk about trust. And fourth, THIS: “Eating disorders are not diseases with the ‘upside’ of making you skinny. Eating disorders are diseases that make life so miserable that you can’t even notice your body except to notice that it is in constant pain and confusion.” is brilliant.
one of the most important realizations i had in life was that just because my problems were not extreme didn’t make them any less legitimate. once i finally accepted that truth i was able to start seeing things objectively and finally felt like i started moving forward in life.
Thank you for this, Jess:)
Been there, done that. When I was suffering from my most disordered eating I was only 110lbs and I am 5’6″. This was very thin for me with my med-large bone structure, but the smallest I ever became was a US size 3. I was wearing extra-small shirts and size 3 skirts. I was still bigger than some of my 5’2″ small boned friends. The people I saw everyday noticed that I wasn’t eating and that I was irritable and helped me see I needed help. I am grateful to my roommate for her interventions. I’m a better person for it and much happier, but I still struggle. My body likes to live at a weight that is not “ideal” and somedays I just give up fighting it.
This: ” My body likes to live at a weight that is not “ideal” and somedays I just give up fighting it.” is so true for so many of us! And until we all learn to accept body diversity in beauty it will unfortunately continue to be so. I’m so glad you got help! Huge ((hugs)) to you in your continued progress!
This is easily your best post to date! I don’t know if it’s because I totally just get it, or because you’ve captured so many different thoughts and managed to put them into words- but I love it. I have had those feeling too- well I can’t have been that bad I was never sickly, near death thin. And my dad has also said- what she doesn’t have eating issues, she eats plenty. So I get ya there. Thanks for this post! And I’m pinning it- just so I can share it with everyone!
Ah thank you Bek! It’s such a tender subject so I’m glad my feelings came across in a helpful way. And thanks for the kind words – they mean more to me than you know:)
This story is just what I realize I have been doing! I am in no way underweight, but I am very much undereating and overexercising!! I cn be classified as having EDNOS. I am a fitness instructor, I teach 1-4 hours a day and lift weights on my own time 6 days a week. I know I don’t eat enough, but am afraid to eat more! My thyroid, is messed up from doing bodybuilding diets and all that insues and I can gain weight so easy! I think your body just holds on to fat when you don’t eat enough sometimes. I have had stress fractures, injuries and I keep on going!! So, no you don’t have to look like a skeleton to have an eating disorder. Thank you for bringing this to light!
Oh Amy! First, thank you so much for sharing your story! This absolutely is not something just teenagers struggle with. Second, I hope that you are getting help with this. I can tell you unequivocally that life is SO much better this side of my ED:) Huge ((hugs)) to you and keep me posted on your progress!
I am 38 and have struggled for years, lets be honest, my entire life with my body image and weight. When growing up I don’t remember never NOT being on a diet. I was raised by a great lady, but a great lady that herself has ED problems and was bulimic. I was not the slender/lanky girl that my sister was, always have been more of the athletic build, stockier. I have never liked myself because I have always been told “you would be such a pretty girl if you’d just lose weight”, to not eat because I didn’t need it. No birthday cakes for me..my sister/friends, sure have seconds, Whitney..no you’re good, you don’t need any more. These words reverberate thru my head pretty much 24/7.
I don’t eat a lot, I have trained my body to not “need” food.. A guy friend (the ONLY person in my life to have ever said this to me) told me he thinks I have an eating disorder. Until he said this about a month ago, that thought never crossed my mind..I’m too fat, I will never be a trophy on a guys arm, even if I was skin and bones I wouldn’t be a size 2! I can’t stop thinking about the words he spoke to me and I started doing research today. “Can someone have an eating disorder and not be skinny?” Every story hits home for me! I don’t look in mirrors as I pass them, I HATE my picture taken, I cower when I happen to get a compliment (few and far between). I don’t fight for the men that I’m interested in. Why? Because why would he ever like me, I’m not worthy. I don’t like my body, why would a guy want to lay with me? I need to get over this but the past couple of months it’s gotten so much worse, to the point of breaking down and crying (at home, the gym, at work, in the car!), almost hysterical over my body image and how disgusting I am. I’ve had a lot of guys just recently and not in the same circle of friends make comments about my weight and how my thighs wouldn’t be so “big” if I didn’t lift as much as I did, but if I don’t, they are fat! It really hurts to be around men that point out perfect girls, with their perfect figures and their perfect weight..I will never be that girl for any man. I had a dream last night that a guy was touching my leg and literally yelled “I feel your fat, that’s disgusting! You have fat on your thighs!” I can’t even have a reprieve when I sleep!
I just don’t know where to begin and it scares me with who I have become in the past several months. How do you get over this, how do you love yourself and who you are? I don’t want to be unhealthy (too big or too skinny) but I NEED TO LOVE ME!
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