If thinking stupid thoughts about strangers was a crime we’d all be arrested by the morality police. From judging parents based on the ill behavior of their children to judging drivers based on their obnoxious bumper stickers (true story: My brand-new reader tested out his cool new skill by announcing loudly to the rest of the car “Look mom – that person’s in the army! It says ‘My girlfriend’s husband fights for your freedom!’ ” #facepalm) to the ubiquitous judging of strangers by the way they’re dressed, people watching is an international pastime. The problem for me isn’t that people judge others unfairly – who hasn’t done that? – but that the advent of the Internet has given all of these dumb thoughts a voice. A loud one.
People of Wal-Mart. Street fashion photography. Sneaky waitresses with camera phones. Yoga pants fetish sites. And even the /creeper and revenge porn threads dedicated to pictures taken down women’s shirts or up their skirts with the thrill being that the victim doesn’t even know they’ve been victimized. There are a wide range of websites dedicated to analyzing strangers without their knowledge or consent. Some are kinda funny, some are downright vile but all of them make me uneasy. And my sense of unease deepened when I read an article on Psychology Today called “Female Obesity: It’s not all her fault” (interesting factoid: the original title, according to the URL, was “Killing Your Relationship With Weight Gain”) because this introduces a relatively new phenomenon: stranger voyeurism posted to the Internet under the guise of “helping.” (I’d link you to the actual article but Psychology Today has pulled it down, likely after being inundated with negative comments yesterday. You can read Jezebel’s dissection of the piece here.) It basically involves a man, a grocery store and a bunch of women who unfortunately ended up in his field of vision.
Grocery stores are already a bit of a gauntlet for me. If the four kidlets, including one who thinks lipsticks are the best markers ever and the makeup aisle is his personal easel, aren’t enough I up the difficulty level by having weird neuroses about food, money and strangers. Having discussed my food issues ad nauseum on here and leaving my money issues for another day (seriously I’ve never met a clearance sticker that didn’t make my heart jump for joy), let’s discuss strangers. First thing about strangers: they’re strange. They can be wonderfully strange, monotonously strange and, on occasion, horribly strange – and you never know which you’re going to get until the puppet show has started. I prefer to assume that the world is populated with the wonderful variety and I live my life that way. This optimism doesn’t come naturally but it’s something I’ve cultivated because it makes me less scared, sound like a nicer person without having to do much different and also, I’m lazy and conspiracy theories take a lot of energy.
But Stephen Betchen, author of the aforementioned article made me realize that sometimes when you think people are just looking at the dinner rolls, they’re actually sizing up all the rolls – including yours. Betchen begins by explaining why he be creepin’:
“I paid a visit to my local supermarket last evening and I was astounded by the shapes and sizes of some of my fellow female shoppers. I’m usually in a rush and have little time to gaze at others but this time was different. Given my early start I was afforded a leisurely shopping experience during which time I noticed that several of the women were obese by any standards. Even more disturbing, many appeared to range in age from their late twenties to early forties-and most with beautiful faces. I’m sure many of the men were overweight, but I’ll deal with them another time.”
Oh wow. One paragraph in and he’s already pulled the “But you have such a pretty face!” line. Then he delves into some of the reasons he thinks these women in “boxy designer sweatsuits” have let themselves go.
“Medical conditions aside, it’s pretty easy to blame some of these women for their poor eating habits and lack of self-discipline, but aren’t their male counterparts culpable as well. One of the most disturbing things I see in couples/sex therapy is men-especially married men— who rarely, if ever, attempt to make their wives feel sexy. Sure, they might relentlessly pursue for sex, but what about the space between? During the work week how many men compliment their partners? How many attempt to seduce them? How many use verbal foreplay? Many men still neglect physical foreplay. I’m not talking about buying flowers, I’m talking flirtation.”
Yeah, okay, he’s got a good point about keeping the romance alive and saying loving things to your partner but the implications are unnerving and show a lack of understanding about weight and relationship dynamics in general. Women gain weight for many reasons and reducing it to spousal attention or “medical conditions” seems ridiculously reductionist. And who’s to say the women he observed don’t already have bangin’ (pardon) sex lives? But the real question is why is he analyzing these women’s sex lives in the first place? In the grocery store? Does he really think he’s helping anyone with these observations?
It’s this last point that really bothers me – this idea that if we cloak fat shaming in the guise of “helping” it’s any less shameful, that if we mask the impudence of speculating about a woman’s sex life with a veneer of goodwill it’s any less invasive, that if we pretend commenting on a woman’s body is legit because of her size it’s any less rude? It’s the idea that doing something inherently unkind can be called kind as long as we’re doing it out of concern for the other person. I’ve never liked the concept of “brutal honesty.” The brutal always comes across more than the honesty.
But what do I know? I’m certainly not an expert in these issues. (I recently got an e-mail from someone accusing me of being afraid to tell it like it is because I “never want to hurt anyone’s feelings” and all I could say was that if that is my worst fault then great. I don’t think it’s my job to tell anyone “like it is.” If someone asks for my advice I’ll offer it but I’m not in the business of calling people out.) All I know is that I hope if strangers notice me at the grocery store on a bad day in any respect – my kids, my body, my paint-stained super unflattering yoga pants – that they’ll give me the benefit of the doubt. Or at the very least not snap a pic of me and/or put it on the Internet.
Betchen’s article immediately made me think of news anchor Jennifer Livingston’s impassioned response to a similar situation with a “concern troll” e-mail she got about her weight. If you haven’t seen this yet, it’s a must. She calls it bullying and I think she’s right.
What do you think about this issue – is Betchen helpful or is he just one more voice telling women we’re not good enough? Am I misinterpreting his words because I’m overly sensitive? How do you feel about this trend of anonymously critiquing people on the Internet, harmless fun or societal callousness?
PS. When I posted this on Facebook one of my female friends commented that she hoped not all men thought like this and several of my male friends jumped in to tell her that no, they really don’t. I love Alex’s reply: “Just to be really really clear, and I’m not some great and glorious exception to this, men really don’t walk around grocery stores judging any such bullsh*t. We get our food, and go home. If you happen to turn a head, there’s a lot less thought than that going through a guy’s mind. Men also don’t think about sex nearly as much as you think they do. What’s sad is society pushing these myths about men, and then some men thinking that they have to imitate what the media tells them they are or there’s something “wrong” with them.”
This lady once shouted to me, as I exited the supermarket with a pack of Oreos in my hand, “You shouldn’t eat that! Think size 0, 00!” I was too ashamed to turn around and see what she looked like because I didn’t know what to say. “You have no right”? Her having no right didn’t really matter, because she had already said it… And I’m maybe 7-10lbs overweight.
What?! That is heartbreaking. I wouldn’t have known what to say either. I’m thinking this is one of those things that says more about the person saying it than the person it is said to. I can’t imagine living in a headspace where that’s something you say to someone.
thanks for bringing this video to my awareness! i wasnt shocked so much about her ( or me) beeing called fat. whats really sick is that the guy thinks he is speaking out of concern and “for the community” !!!!!!
in germany we have the same issues. and its funny that you get called fat openly much more often when you are female…the only antidote in my opinion is selflove and selfrespect!
great article!!!
puja from berlin, germany
Interesting that it’s females mostly where you live too! Although not terribly surprising :/
I agree completely. Websites that completely invade others’ privacy make me feel uneasy. I used to read them a lot, I was looking at “People of Wal-Mart” one day, and I saw a man on the website who goes to my church. He’s a transvestite and naturally gains na lot of negative attention, but he spoke to me once at church and complimented my dress, so he obviously isn’t all that bad. Maybe he dresses weird, but seeing that made me realize that I could easily be made fun of online as well, and I wouldn’t like that at all.
Also the part Betchen wrote about those women having a “lack of self-discipline” makes me sick. Weight loss and health has nothing to do with self-discipline and there is so much more that affects a woman’s weight whether she is fat or thin.
Oh wow! I keep waiting for someone I know to end up somewhere like that but it’s not happened as of yet. I’m glad that you are able to see him/her as a person beyond the caricature – sounds like a wonderful person. Also, love this: “Weight loss and health has nothing to do with self-discipline and there is so much more that affects a woman’s weight whether she is fat or thin.”
See when I think bullying, I think small child. It’s definitely wrong, but I feel like bully is the wrong word. People may disagree but I think the reason that we are so fascinated with weight. Is because its the last remaining sort of ok prejudice. Racial prejudice is no longer ok and socioeconomic prejudice isn’t ok (people seem to pity instead). On some level we think we could be fat and as a result, we are more likely to distance ourselves by name calling. If we didn’t see ourselves in a far person, we wouldn’t have a strong feeling.
I remember when I was anorexic and I thought anyone over a size 6 was fat. Now that my brain is nourished, I can see things more clearly and my body distortions have corrected. I personally think that anchor looks great and would haven’t have called her fat.
Interesting point – although I think bullying can happen to someone of any age. I love this observation: “On some level we think we could be fat and as a result, we are more likely to distance ourselves by name calling.”
Always an important subject! I posted on my FB page to the day it came out in the news… this whole SM stuff & trolls & the rest – really the down side of social media. Yes good things but BAD things!
Then he came back to “offer help”. Really , get over yourself & no, we don’t & he doesn’t know this lady at all & her life or even if she has medical conditions – we don’t know!
I just think in general, people think they can say anything they want these days with no consequences….
I had some bullying done to me when I was younger & it really stuck with me – enough already!
Personally, I’ve become more uncomfortable about people making any sort of comments about other’s without them present. I’ve actually become uncomfortable discussing what celebrities and politicians are doing or how they look.
My stance is increasingly towards trying to not concern myself with other’s unless I can personally help in some way.If that’s not something I can do, then any comments that are not positive are just spreading around more negativity in the world.
Plus I feel like I never know the story behind a situation and unless I do then I have little clout to have a solid opinion.
Love this article. It always interests me to see what these people are placing into their grocery baskets. It really defines that persons body shape. I used to be a big “the dirty” reader but I realized how negative and hateful the site was and now I stay away from “mean” websites like that. It is sad how these websites exist I know overweight people have an addiction and its important to share with them how to lose weight but there are “kinder” ways to do so. Love and Shine CourtStar
I’m sorry but I really feel like you’re kind of missing the point here. Not all overweight people have an “addiction” and to connect all people of any supposed group together is pretty insulting. And it’s no one’s job or duty to share with others what they should do with their own bodies, except maybe their personal medical doctor. Also, as a side point, I can pretty much guarantee that a very strong majority of overweight individuals know “how to lose weight”, it either doesn’t work for them or they’re just not interested.
I’m pretty sure this person is a troll just trying to sell her workout/diet program.
Yeah, that was my thought too but just in case and for anyone else who might have the same mindset.
I think her response was amazing! I have had many strangers voice their “concern” about my weight when I was over weight. I wasn’t able to deal with it as well as she did.
People have major insecurities and putting others down makes them feel better about themselves. Happy, confident people don’t get pleasure from others pain. It is a form of bullying. It reminds of when someone starts out with “no offense, but …” which really means excuse me while I offend you. Seriously wish people were nicer or at least quieter about their judgmental feelings.
I survived (and yes I will call it that because it almost did end my life) bullying throughout school. It was horrible. I still have panic attacks after 10 years when I get around a big group of kids in the middle school/high school age range. That being said, I consider myself luckier than a lot of my younger cousins having to go through bullying in the social media age.
When I got home from school or sports practice or wherever, then the bullying was done for the day. I could have a little bit of an escape. Now one of my cousins who is being bullied can’t even get on Facebook without people commenting on how she looks, what’s wrong with her, or why she should just give up. It’s horrible. The bullies come right into her home, her bedroom. That’s where she should be safe.
This whole “rudeness out of concern” is the most ludicrous idea I’ve ever heard. The last time someone did it to me I absolutely went off on them and ended up drawing all of the attention in the store to them. They were so embarrassed and several other ladies (including really skinny ones) came over to me and said they were so glad I’d stood up to them. Just cause I don’t fit into a size two doesn’t mean I’m not trying to take care of myself (80 pounds down) and doesn’t mean I don’t have a man who doesn’t flirt with me.
Sorry long rant . . . great article!
Hmm my husband and I had a chat about this new anchor last night. We both honestly think it was blown out of proportion. We were thinking t was going to be someone randomly calling her fat on air or something. I think the way he wrote the letter was fine. Maybe a little insensitive, sure, but I wouldn’t call it bullying.
I think there is a major difference between showing general concern and adding a pointless two cents, regardless of whether or not you’re intending to be rude or not. The biggest part of that difference? The stranger thing. You don’t know a stranger, or their full situation or story. You CAN’T judge them in a constructive way because you don’t have a basis to judge them in a constructive way. I’m actually all for brutal honesty, but only when it’s necessary. Is it necessary to be brutally honest to a stranger? Hell no, because again, you don’t know their situation. A close friend or family member? It might be needed. I recently had to be “brutally honest” with my best friend regarding his on again off again girlfriend, but that was because I could see the damage it was doing to him first-hand. I was familiar with the situation and knew that he needed to hear it. I’ve been a “victim” of the stranger calling me out thing, and it’s ridiculous. Just a couple weeks ago I had someone tell me I was fat (no sh*t!) and tell me how if I exercised I could lose some weight. They had no idea that I was currently working on exercising and losing weight, how could they?
I think people need to pick their battles. If you feel that you have genuine advice to give, give it to someone who can actually benefit from it, not a perfect stranger who likely doesn’t even fit into whatever you are grouping them into.
Ick. Just reading this guy made me feel dirty by association. And how sad is it that he’s a doctor in a profession that should be dedicated towards helping people? I agree, I would consider this bullying and hurtful.
Also, the whole “role model for young girls in the community” thing directed towards Jennifer Livingston is such complete BS. First off, how does some random man have any idea what her health is like? And secondly, I’d love for my theoretical future daughters to have a role model on TV who looks different from all the unattainable images they’ll see. If a successful, confident woman with a great career is a bad role model I think we’re all in trouble. Good for her for standing up for herself.
And as a last point (and I know I’ve said this a million times here so I’m sorry Charlotte but I think it’s really relevant), to all those people who cry “what about the children?!” as an excuse to fat-shame, I was overweight as a child and it was not the worst thing that ever happened to me by far. I was happy and active and had lots of friends and just happened to be overweight. I never had any health problems associated with it, those came later with the anorexia that was triggered by going on a diet to try to be healthier.
I LOVE Jennifer Livingston!
I used to be terribly self-conscious about my grocery cart. I still am a bit, but not nearly as much as I used to be. What’s worse, there was also a time when I felt very SMUG when I walked around with my spinach and kale (fine) and low-fat this and fat-free that, Lean Cuisine, diet soda, blah blah blah (not so fine, lol!). The funny thing was that I didn’t really judge others’ on their cart’s contents, I was just hyper-aware of mine. The same way I’m so critical of myself, while giving others a pass. Even mean people.
This therapist who wrote the article needs a peer review ASAP. We are turning into a culture of self-involved, uninformed, shallow, overly-judgmental idiots who believe that everything we do and say is fascinating . My least-favorite phrase of all time, and one I’ve heard A LOT, is “I’m just trying to help!” Usually spoken in a tone of self-righteous indignation. Well, I didn’t ASK for your help. So stuff a sock in it, please! (The other phrase that gets my goat is “I’m just sayin’.” It usually follows something incredibly rude and insulting.)
Unfortunately the law cannot keep up with technology. So all those folks who find pictures of themselves on the internet don’t have much recourse.
Sometimes humankind really depresses me.
I wouldn’t call it bullying in all cases, but I think it makes more sense to bring up weight concerns with those we know and care about. Doing so to complete strangers, while it may be well meant, cannot be very helpful. And really -no one made us the “fat police” and if we only are concerned about people for this reason, I think we fail as a community. Putting someone else down, especially on the internet where it is easy to be mean with no consequences for us really shows someone’s lack of integrity and character. There are a myriad of reasons why people have weight issues and I don’t think calling out a complete stranger on this helps anything. If anything, we’d probably ruin their day and come off like a health snob. When I was overweight and people talked about me or to me about it it hurt, even when it came form someone I loved.
I thinking leading by example is the far superior way to go. Live well. Build each other up. Find everyone’s good points and give them confidence to be the best they can be, regardless of their weight. In the end it’s what we do and how we live that matters. Not our weight.
I agree with Betchen’s advice to men, which is essentially, be nice to your ladies. Awesome. HOWEVER, that has nothing to do with women and their weight, I guarantee it. A does not, in fact, equal B. I hope this guy doesn’t have any overweight women therapy clients, because he must be telling them some messed up stuff.
As far as this news anchor story goes, I don’t see it as bullying at all. It’s a simple case of a stranger acting like an asshole. A Random Act of Assholeism, if you will.
While I don’t blame the anchorwoman for calling out this jerk, her playing the bully card leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It reeks of bandwagon jumping, of her tyring to get attention by using the hot topic of the day.
Do I think the letter writer was a jerk and deserved to be called out? Hell yes. But instead of going the cheap and easy rout and calling “bullying”, I would preferred if this woman had called out general bad manners and fat phobia .
Obesity is a major problem in our country. While I can’t figure out for the life of me why anyone would bother to pen a private letter to someone on a show they don’t even watch, I think the greater issue is being swept under the rug. Again.
Obesity is everyone’s problem. The 66%+ overweight population in this country is driving the cost of healthcare through the roof. There is a direct correlation between the increasing cost of health and our expanding waistlines. So yes, (an extreme example here) a 600 lb person who can’t work because of their size is both directly and indirectly a burden on society.
People are fat because of choices they make. Only a VERY limited sect of the overweight population can point the finger at a medical condition, and even then things like hypothyroidism only affect about 7% of your metabolic rate.
We need to be honest with ourselves. You can’t tell me you love your body if you’re 30, 50, 70+ lbs overweight because clearly you don’t. Loving yourself extends beyond the way you look.
It’s about your health.
And just to throw my own unwanted two-cents in..the news anchor is being the bigger bully here. She received a private message that was not written in a nasty way. She chose to use her position and make it public. Bully. She could have been the bigger person and dealt with it in private, OR, better yet, made it public but put a positive spin about weight and health on it. I have very little sympathy for her.
Actually, anyone can love their own body without asking for your opinion, and it is highly presumptuous to think that you can know how healthy another person is just by looking at them.
You say, “It’s about your health”.
And so it is.
My health is not your business.
Your health is not mine.
Let’s keep it that way, and not use straw-man arguments to justify what is, in actuality, concern trolling.
This response screams of ignorance to me…
The statistic of 66% is used for sensationalism. The percentage of people who are obese enough to be immobile and unable to work is very small. Someone who has a BMI of 26 would be included in this statistic and that is ridiculous, as that person is technically overweight and yet, could be much healthier than their thinner counterparts. You can’t automatically judge that someone is unhealthy just by looking at their adipose tissue.
The idea that people are fat because of the choices they make is not accurate. Perhaps some people could stand to change their lifestyle habits, but the real question is why did they gain weight and why is it so hard for them to lose it? There are so many different reasons why people gain weight, and once you do, it is often very difficult to lose it, even through extreme measures. Also, even if people are able to lose weight through extreme measures, they are that much more likely to gain it all back plus more. There is not a universal easy solution to all these problems you’re talking about.
I’m sure it is easy for you to sit there and judge other people, but clearly you aren’t as well informed about these issues as you may think.
I’ve been bullied most of my childhood for being way too fat. I’ve been called every name you can think of. Of course it upset me, but not to a great degree. As I got older, it just gave me motivation to finally lose weight.
I guess it all depends on how severe the bullying is and how strong-minded the person is and how well their ability to positively react to it is.
On another note, I think people should just keep to themselves, even if they feel like “helping” others. I only give my opinion on someone’s physique or health if I am asked by that person. Who am I to judge someone else?
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It is bullying. I told someone on youtube what an awesome job they did on their commercial and I couldn’t wait to see it hit big screen. A complete stranger responds to me “lose some weight.” What? They would have had to go to my profile to see what I look like. If that’s not creepy enough, their response had nothing to do with the video or my comment. I have always been heavy. I lost weight once, with surgery, 2 hours excersise 5 days a week, and a lot of money on protein shakes. Now I have 2 jobs and school full time. I do a lot of the stuff for the home and all the errands and bills. It’s not my husbands Forte but he tries to help. It’s not an excuse, but I gained a lot of weight back when we went through a separation and he was battling alcohol and verbally abusive. He still has a lot of intimacy issues. I joined a gym and I like to go, but I’m just so tired after 15 hour days I have trouble going as often as I should. I can’t cut back on my life anymore than I have. People need to worry about their own bodies and leave it between a person and their Dr. I’ve learned my lesson voicing “concern” for overly skinny people. The difference is that most overweight people know they are fat. Underweight people often don’t run into some of the same issues as far as “fitting” into and through places and clothes, so it may take more medical pressure than just social pressure.