Our gym used to have this machine right in front, facing a huge wall of windows that looked directly onto the basketball court. I so wish I could have been there for the moment when someone said “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Put that thigh-master thingy right there.”
Weird gym conversations are probably the number 1 reason I work out. Or at least work out in a gym. People will say all kinds of nutty things that are normally only reserved for long stints on public transportation or drunken bathroom confessionals. (True story: in college, because I didn’t drink or have sex my friends basically figured I was a priest and it turns out a bathroom stall is eerily similar to a confessional booth. I heard everything from “I told you earlier that I thought your dress was cute but I really don’t” to “I got married in Vegas and I’m not sure if I ever got it annulled.” After awhile I stopped trying to say anything useful and just handed them more toilet paper in lieu of absolution.)
I was reminded of this awesome gym phenomena the other day when a friend couldn’t figure out how to get properly positioned in that weird back extension machine that looks like a giant pasta roller or a newspaper press or maybe one of those old-fashioned hand-cranked laundry machines that please just say you know which machine I’m talking about so I can stop coming up with bizarre analogies. Thank you. Anyhow, as she tried to wriggle into it backwards another friend yelled from across the gym “No, no! Face down, a** up!” in a voice that would have made any rapper proud. It took a moment of awkward silence before we all dissolved into giggles. “That is just something you should never say at the gym,” I gasped. “And also, maybe in life.”
So, in honor of my foul-mouthed friend (you know I love you), all the group fit instructors who tell us “Don’t forget to breathe!” and the trainer whom I overheard telling her client that her favorite healthy dinner was cooking Ramen noodles with a bag of frozen vegetables in it, I present to you:
Ten Things You Should Never Say At The Gym
1. No, I didn’t spill my water bottle. I don’t know what that puddle is. Yes, I realize it’s slightly yellow tinged. Let’s all just hope it’s that awful Lightening Gatorade and find a new place to stretch.
2. Can I work in between your sets? I’d like to show you up by doing the exact same thing you’re doing but way better. Okay, so she didn’t say the second part out loud but it was implied when she banged out 20 pull-ups and finished with a double-back dismount.
3. Want a post-workout snack? I made a double batch of triple-chocolate fudge bars last night and I brought a box for everyone! I will not identify the Gym Buddy who does this. She knows who she is! Stinker. Especially when she adds, “What? I couldn’t leave them at home or I’d eat them all!”
4. Wow, that’s a lot of weight! Aren’t you worried your legs are going to get even bigger? Heck yes it’s a lot of weight and what, exactly, are you saying about my legs? Did I mention that my kickboxing teacher told me I have one of the most powerful roundhouses he’s seen?
5. Hey! They’re playing our song! This one might have been cute if it hadn’t been said by a guy I’ve talked to less than three times. And also, if it wasn’t Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name Of.”
6. Excuse me, but when you were doing deadlifts I couldn’t help but notice that… Unless this one is followed by “You dropped your iPod” or “You have a hole in your pants” I probably don’t want to hear it.
7. Oooh, can I touch your belly? This one’s weird enough when I’m pregnant but when I’m not then it’s most definitely a no.
8. Want to see my rash/black toenail/giant back zit? Okay, so I’ll probably say yes because I’m weirdly fascinated by gross skin conditions but still, you shouldn’t encourage me.
9. Could you massage my butt? I have a really tight knot that I can’t reach. Yes. Someone seriously asked me this. And no, I didn’t do it.
10. Smell my finger. This one was me. I said it. I’m still ashamed.
What phrase do you think should be banned from being said in gyms? Has anyone ever confessed something weirdly personal to you in a public place?
One of my favorite Pilates instructors informs her students, when lying face down on the reformer, to assume the BOBO position: Belly On, Boobs Off. 🙂
I think my (dubious) favorite was when I joined a gym & signed up for my 3 free personal training sessions: the first time I met with the trainer she said “Well, you look pretty fit. Oh no, wait: you’ve got a big tummy.”
Thanks for handing me a compliment and then yankin’ it right back!
(Like you, I am also a magnet for people who want to confess. Why? I have no idea!)
Yeowch! Did you keep meeting with that trainer?!
Number 2 happens all the time! I refuse to work in sets if someone else is using the machine. I can’t help but feel like a pain in the neck, I also hate when people do it to me.
Yeah but sometimes it’s unavoidable. I don’t mind when people show me up but it’s when they rub it in my face I get a little testy;)
I cannot throw stones. I’m sure I say all sorts of wildly inappropriate things at the gym. (Just yesterday I was asking the guy in boot-camp who was holding my ankles for boxer sit-ups if he noticed how smooth my legs were because I was using Burt’s Bees Milk and Honey lotion.)
WHY are we not workout buddies?! I love you. Also, I love Burt’s Bees.
I’m dying in fits of giggles over here. I don’t know if I’ve said any of these, but I’m sure I have. I say inappropriate things all the time. And I’m immature, so I laugh when others say inappropriate things.
You and me both;)
I crossfit and I was in the gym the other night, one of the trainers came in and said to me, are you working that beautiful snatch? I replied, no Clean and Jerk tonite!:D
Got some awesome stares from the newbie class as they tried to figure out what in the world that exchange was, it was priceless!
LOL. Best list ever. I love it. Can we add “Okay, I lied, one more set!”? I have a body tone instructor that I adore but when she says that all I want to do is start throwing my weights!
Oh, I always hate when instructors do that! I used to have this instructor that would make us hold a position and count down. Once she got to zero, she’d start counting back up again. What a terrible trick!
Just so you know none of us count properly 😉 It’s an ice breaker. My favorite: 5, 4, 3, 3, 3, ,3 2, ,2 ,2 ,2 ,2 ,2 ,2, 2, and…. 1
yes we’re evil!
You had me at the title & then that pic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So friggin funny!!! Honestly, I really have not had too many crazy things said to me in all my years at the gym.. maybe because I try to look mean so people will not interrupt my workout! 😉
I think my fav was when one of the trainers said to me “wow, your legs are quite thick”… I think she may have meant it as a compliment? Meaning muscular, toned or any other word that would mean something good but NO ONE wants to hear ‘thick’.
I have also heard women discussing their boob jobs and that they still like wearing the xsmall bra they previously were wearing…
I once was getting ready for a new belt rank in Taekwon-Do in which the event is called a testing. I was setting up the table that the instructors would be sitting at. When I was doing so someone asked from across the room “are you one of the testers?”
To which I shouted out “No I’m one of the tsetses.”
oh boy……..
It’s not so much the comments I hear but the screaming and groaning. Seriously, gym etiquette. If you can’t put them down quietly, don’t pick them up!
The post is hilarious though. Definitely some occasions when I’ve heard a couple of these.
Didn’t you have a lady offer to strip your membranes in the locker room? I’m pretty sure that would be number 1 on my list.
Haha – YES. I think she would have done it too. I forgot about that one!
“And if you can’t do a full push up, just do the girl version”
It’s a push up from the knees jerk! AAAAND, you’re still lifting 60% of your body weight when you do it that way so don’t even call it a half push up!
You would not believe how many times I have heard completely straight guys say some variation of “my ass is killing from yesterday’s workout”.
I smile every time….not that there’s anything wrong with that
Great article.
One of the others not to say, why don’t you lower the weight so you can lift it more than once? Power-lifters take this rather badly and by definition are a lot stronger than they appear.
I am definitely one of the people who invite stupid things to be said to me. I deliberately finish my workouts trying something I am likely to mess up to improve co-ordination in ways no human being should ever need, and no smart person would even try.
Because of this I have ended up doing things in my workout that most, accurately, consider downright insane, like high pulls or push press standing on the part of the bosu ball that says do not stand on this surface. I have had the shy complimenting me on my core stability and someone far more honest who made me laugh.
‘What happens when you fall off?’
‘Don’t know. Not happened yet.’
‘But it has to happen. Why else do you think we watch you training?’
Remember stupidity is not something you grow out of, it is something you hone to perfection over the years.