There are a lot of bad reasons to lose weight. And there are a lot of good reasons to lose weight. Unfortunately the two categories aren’t as sharply delineated as we’d like them to be. In writing this post, I spent a good hour trying to come up with examples for each category and what I finally had to realize was that there are very, very few reasons that fall firmly in either camp. In fact, I hate to use any examples at all. Weight loss is such a personal thing; what’s a good idea for one person may be very unhealthy for another. Take, for instance, the idea of losing weight because someone else told you to or because you think if you lose weight someone else would like you better.
At first read, it seems like a no brainer: bad plan, right? The conventional wisdom is that unless you are doing it for yourself then any changes you make won’t last and you’ll end up sad. And I believe that. Doing stuff to please the fickle Others is often a losing battle. But. I also don’t want to discount the myriad stories of people being inspired by a loved one to make healthy changes* and ended up happier in the end – not just because their loved one was happier but because they themselves were too. Sometimes those outside of us can see things in us that we don’t.
Which is why I was so conflicted when I got this e-mail from a teenage reader. It broke my heart and I wanted desperately to be able to give her some good advice… but I’m not sure exactly what that is. So I do what I always do when I’m stymied: turn it over to my smart, kind and thoughtful readers. Here’s E’s e-mail:
I have been trying to lose weight since I was 12 years old. I am now 19. That’s 8 years of thinking about losing weight pretty much every single day (I can’t remember perfectly when I was 12 and 13 but I am pretty sure after that, ever single day of my life, losing weight has been on my mind) and it gets really frustrating, but I have never given up. I can’t. I know I want this, I know I need to do this for me and I am finally making progress after failing and falling down SO many times. I feel happy right now because I can see changed in myself and I’m motivated.The problem is, though, that even when I know I want to do this for me, there’s always that part telling me that boys will like me better if I lose weight. I know it’s ridiculous, I know they shouldn’t be worth it if they don’t like me because I’m fat, I know my value is not measured on the way I look. I know all of this, yet I cannot stop that thought in my head. That if I lose weight, my ex-boyfriend would be amazed and regretful, that my former crush would have stayed with me, and that my current crush will surely want me. I like my personality, I try to be myself around all of them, they all know me pretty well and seem to like me but the feeling that they will like me totally and completely if I were thinner is something I can’t stop and I know it’s unhealthy so that’s why I’m coming to you.How do I stop this unhealthy, destructive behaviour that concerns me every day? Or, is it really as unhealthy as it seems? Maybe is not so bad if I use it as a motivation to keep going and make my journey easier? I don’t feel like I could EVER be completely comfortable in this body if I don’t lose weight, and that part is not about the boys, is about me and who I am and my happiness, but the thought that everything would be better if I lost weight is a part of me I can’t seem able to shake off. How do you learn this kins of lesson? I am sure you’ve felt something like this before.Thank you SO SO SO much Charlotte, for reading all our silly emails and spending your time with us and writing amazing posts that really, truly help people in ways you can’t imagine. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Here are my thoughts:
1. “The thought that everything would be better if I lost weight is a part of me I can’t seem able to shake off” is a thought so many women have had and still have. You know that I struggled with this immensely for most of my life (I too started dieting in earnest at 12 – what is it about 12 that is so vulnerable?). And I’m not going to lie: on bad days this thought still comes into my mind. But I think this is one of those situations where you have to look at real results. Look at people around you who have lost weight. Is everything perfect for them? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. If that were true Lindsay Lohan would have the perfect-est life ever. (And your e-mail is not silly!)
Point 1: We’ll always have problems, no matter what we weigh. Life is for learning and we can’t learn if we don’t struggle.
2. “I don’t feel like I could EVER be completely comfortable in this body if I don’t lose weight, and that part is not about the boys, is about me and who I am and my happiness.” Your happiness is the most important thing to me about this e-mail. Unfortunately I don’t know enough about you and your situation. I will tell you that a lot of feeling comfortable in your own skin seems to come with age and maturity. (I know, the media tells us that we only get uglier as we get older and that every year we should hate ourselves more – and then buy more products to fix all the things “wrong” with us.) But, as crazy as I am sometimes, I feel 100 times better about myself than I did in my 20’s and 200 times better than I did in my teens. That said, would you feel more comfortable if you lost weight? Possibly. Only you can say that and since you have, I’m inclined to believe you.
Point 2: Feeling comfortable in your body is about so much more than what you weigh. Confidence, intelligence, kindness and beauty are possible at any weight – because these come from your soul, not the stuff it’s wrapped in.
3. “That if I lose weight, my ex-boyfriend would be amazed and regretful, that my former crush would have stayed with me, and that my current crush will surely want me.” This one made me smile. Because this thought is so, so, so normal. Ah the hot-body revenge fantasy! I have so totally wanted to be in that chick flick. Really though, we all wonder what we could do to re-write the past, especially when it comes to relationships. But E, even if your weight was “perfect” (whatever that means anyhow), some boys would still break your heart, some crushes wouldn’t return your affection and some would be jerks. Then you’d wonder if it would have been different if you’d had bigger boobs or a rounder butt or a more comprehensive knowledge of college sports teams.
Point 3: You can’t make someone love you. But there is someone (or someones) who will love you for who you are. Concentrate on making yourself the kind of person you are looking for rather than making yourself the person you think “they” want.
4. “I know I want this, I know I need to do this for me and I am finally making progress after failing and falling down SO many times. I feel happy right now because I can see change in myself and I’m motivated.” While I don’t think you have to lose weight to be healthy (see note below), I do think that making healthy choices – eating whole foods, exercising in a way that feels good, meditating, serving others – absolutely makes all people feel better. Junk food is a poison that clouds our ability to think and makes our moods volatile. Hormones and pesticides in the food chain disrupt our own natural functions making our bodies short circuit. Over- or under-exercising make us tired, weak and sad. And sometimes weight gain is a symptom of these things.
Point 4: I would encourage you to keep making healthy choices in your life. Whether or not you lose weight – and there’s a good chance you will – you’ll still feel better.
How’s that for your fortune cookie answers? Reading over this, it feels trite but sometimes things are said often because they’re true. My gut instinct, E, is to tell you to go find your happiness wherever it lies. Try every good thing, love a lot, cry a lot and when you look back over all that living I think you’ll find very little of it had anything to do with your weight. Use your body to help you get the life that you want. (Okay that sounds like I’m telling you to be a hooker. Don’t be a hooker.) Don’t lose the life that you want in pursuit of the perfect body. And you know as I’m telling you all this, I’m also telling myself – so thank you for that, E!
Readers: What say you? Is losing weight for someone else – whether they are real or just a hope – a good idea? What advice would you give E?
*Let me be perfectly clear: I firmly believe that women can be healthy through a large range of weights. Individual bodies are so unique and you cannot tell how healthy someone is just by looking at them. Do I think that all overweight women are perfectly healthy? No. Do I think all thin women are perfectly healthy? No. I do think that someone else’s health or weight is none of my business unless they specifically seek my advice, as is the case here. (Okay or sometimes when celebrities make a big deal about their weight and I feel inclined to comment on it because they influence so many people and someone needs to answer their crazy sometimes.)
My first thought is this: focusing on weight loss is a form of control that ends up being a crutch for insecurities in other areas of life. Which leads into my 2nd thought: why not add counseling to this? It may help with learning tools to not focus so much on the #’s game of weight-loss and rather learning to celebrate how beautiful you are. It may help with learning how to assess why relationships work/not work and how it’s a multi-faceted deal where no one person is to blame.
Sorry my thoughts are convoluted. Please know, it really does get better the older you get. For some people, it takes a lifetime to feel comfortable in their own skin. For you, E, I think you’re already on the road to learning as you’re asking about it while you’re young and that is huge. (((hugs)))
Totally agree with your comment!
Love all your advice Sara!! This: ” focusing on weight loss is a form of control that ends up being a crutch for insecurities in other areas of life.” is at the crux of so many eating disorders. And you are right – E is awesome for working on this now. She’s a smart girl and I know she’s going to figure this out:)
Oh, E, that e-mail absolutely breaks my heart. I’d go into a long description of the Health at Every Size movement, and all the freeing reasons why losing weight is not the answer to all your problems, and why the fact that you’ve had a hard time losing weight isn’t your fault, but I think it’s better to leave that to people who’re more eloquent than I am. I’m also a member of the recovering ED club (so common around here!), so I’m also perfectly aware that no amount of understanding that weight does not indicate health, or hotness, or earn love, will necessarily help you eat. But this is my best attempt: turning it over to some amazing women who’ve written extensively on these topics:
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/
http://kateharding.net/
http://www.bodylovewellness.com/
http://www.fatnutritionist.com/
…and of course right here at the Great Fitness Experiment.
I hope that arming yourself with information will at least give you some small amount of comfort.
Ah I love all these blogs!! Esp. Fat Nutritionist:) I’m so honored you included me on this list!
Personally I think it takes time, effort and lots and lots of love. I’m not sure you ever get over negative thoughts like that (I know I’m still working on it!) but the happier I am in general the easier it becomes, I find when stress/emotions/challenges overwhelm me the more weight/body negativity seeps in. Finding the time to do the things that make you smile may not sound huge but it really helped me- try taking care of your whole self and catching and rebutting the negative thoughts.
Keep trying, keep questioning negative thoughts and never stop loving yourself! it will get easier xxx
“Finding the time to do the things that make you smile may not sound huge but it really helped me- try taking care of your whole self and catching and rebutting the negative thoughts.” EXCELLENT advice. I loved CBT for helping me learn how to rebutt the negative thoughts. It sounds too simple but it really does help to challenge them!
Love yourself first! My husband loves me whether I’m fat or thin, because I’m opinianted, funny, and sexy. He loves me because of my faith, in spite of my failings, because I’m funny, despite of my convictions, I’m loved because I’m ME, no matter what I say or look like or feel or what I believe. Love yourself first.
Beautifully said Shayna! Your husband sounds like a wonderful man – you two are blessed to have eachother:)
Well, I dated a lot of jerk faces before him. When I didn’t love myself first, no matter what I looked like, I ended up with idiot guys and idiot friends.
Also? I spelled opinionated wrong and am angry at my spellchecker. Good catch, android.
Haha – I didn’t even notice! And I dated a lot of duds too before finding the right man!
I hope to lose weight we need perfect diet and exercise. If we don’t maintain anyone of these then you are not going to lose weight.
I really think the number 1 person you need to lose weight for is YOU. It’s fine and dandy to want to do it for others also, but if you’re not doing it first and foremost for yourself- I don’t think it’ll stick as much.
True. Maybe it’s just a matter of prioritizing!
Going to agree wholeheartedly with what Sara said!
Also, while I believe it’s possible to be inspired by someone else, to lose weight FOR someone else is an exercise in futility, pardon the pun. Doing anything inside of ourselves in order to please someone else leads to heartache and disappointment, whether it be changing our bodies, choosing a major, dating someone who seems “appropriate”, deferring our own needs and opinions, etc.
I also used to believe I was unworthy of romantic love. But look at it this way: There are plenty of happily married/committed people who are overweight, while the average Hollywood relationship lasts about a day and a half. If our appearance were what made us worthy of love, wouldn’t the opposite be true?
E sounds like a pretty cool young woman. Which is probably why people are drawn to her. My last bit of advice is this: Look around! She probably has admirers who are too shy/scared to speak up. They may not be the ones she has set her sights on, but they may just be Perfect for her.
So many things I love in this comment!! “Also, while I believe it’s possible to be inspired by someone else, to lose weight FOR someone else is an exercise in futility, pardon the pun.” Great distinction, Alyssa! And I love this: “There are plenty of happily married/committed people who are overweight, while the average Hollywood relationship lasts about a day and a half. If our appearance were what made us worthy of love, wouldn’t the opposite be true?”
I think there’s a difference between losing weight for someone else/because they want you to and being inspired by someone-the latter is still ultimately doing it for yourself, just with a role model of sorts, someone you can look at and say, “they did it; I can too.”
But then again, what if your weight is unhealthy and your spouse wants you to lose weight because s/he’s afraid for your health? Eh no absolutes like you said.
To E-I would never have believed it when I was your age, but truly truly, focus on the exercise, the foods, the sleep, and the downtime that make you feel good, and the weight and your body will fall into place. Focus on what makes you feel comfortable and not what the number on the scale or the tag is. And ultimately it’s about balance-make sure you’re getting sleep and downtime and time with your friends too. We all have a tendency to wonder “what if?” and I think it’s human nature. And when you’re that focused on one part of your life (weight loss) it’s not surprising that it gets tied in with wondering what could have been. But ultimately, learn from this experience-what you want in a boyfriend different than this guy and find a way to grow yourself. And for many, many people, these are not the best years of their lives, despite what cheesy TV shows would have you think. Try to focus on feeling good, on feeling comfortable with your body and the weight will fall into place and you’ll be happier for it.
Great advice Redhead!! And this: “what if your weight is unhealthy and your spouse wants you to lose weight because s/he’s afraid for your health?” is actually a question I’ve been e-mailed a lot but I’ve never written about it because honestly I couldn’t find a way to write about it with enough tact and sensitivity. Both sides are so emotionally invested in their opinions and “facts” that it becomes almost impossible to separate those from the calculus of health.
This is SUCH an awesome post. I can see how it’s difficult to really define the “why”. Its REALLY hard, and it’s hard to tell if someone “should” lose weight. Because it shouldn’t be able being a certain weight, it should be about being healthy and feeling good about yourself. That’s way easier said than done though. I feel like the biggest change in my life has been seeing so many AMAZING and inspiring bloggers from all shapes and sizes who constantly remind me that it’s not about a number, its about feeling my best!
Aw, I love that you said that bloggers have helped you! I hear a lot of negative stuff about bloggers and the effect we sometimes have so it’s nice to hear that it’s been such a positive experience for you! It’s been like that for me too:) And yeah, it IS easier said than done. We’re all a work in progress.
Like Sara I think talking to a couselor is a great idea ! I also don’t think there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with the idea of losing weight for someone else, especially if it is motivating you. However, regardless of your size, financial situation, etc you have to realise that the first peron that needs to love you is yourself ! Everyone has their issues and I think the older you get the more you realise other people are more concerned with themselves and not really as focused on, or as critical of us as we perceive them to be.
Wonderful advice Karen, I agree that a counselor can be really helpful too!
Without knowing you, E, (and probably, to be honest, without being your Dr. or nutritionist) it’s impossible to know whether or not you need to lose weigh-t so I won’t speak to that.
But whether or not losing weight would be healthful for tyou, I think that you need to turn your attention outward.
Your body can certainly be something you’re proud of, but it’s such a small part of who you are, what you do, and what makes you attractive to other people.
I’d say for all the mental energy you use up thinking about your body, use an equal amount doing something creative that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something, or doing something to help other people. Get your brain out of your body and out into the world and hopefully you’ll eventually just stop worrying so much about weight loss.
Look at it this way. You’re weight is not making you unhappy. You’re thoughts about your weight are making you unhappy. So think about other things by throwing yourself into something important.
Good luck. Being 19 is really tough and I think it takes a LONG time to gain true body acceptance. I’m 31 and for some reason this year something’s really clicked in my head in a way that lets me look at myself with kindness. I know telling someone to wait until they are a little older and they’ll feel better about themselves sounds like a lot of nonsense, but I think that it’s all part of the journey. You will learn things along the way that help you look at yourself with love- you’re just not there yet!
As for boys- you shouldn’t base your self worth on them. And you shouldn’t base your worthiness of being loved on your body. Again, easier said than done. I recently read Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman and she has a really good way of discussing these issues. I’d highly recommend reading her book.
Ah Shelly, I LOVE that it has clicked for you this year. Seriously I’m just smiling right now. It does get easier with age. And this: “I’d say for all the mental energy you use up thinking about your body, use an equal amount doing something creative that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something, or doing something to help other people.” is such great advice!!
Aw! Thanks!
I struggled with my weight for a long long time as a teen and as an adult…I remember my earliest diet at 13. I remember doing Mousercise even younger too…but I always was unhappy with my body. I only made real changes that stuck as an adult when I decided I was worth it. I realised that if it made me unhappy to be this way, and I can change that, then I should start and see what happens. Life is long, and there’s so much to look forward to and I decided I wanted to it as making a better me for the rest of my life, not just to get thinner. Once you’re thin life isn’t any different…you still have things to do and say and deal with and although you will feel better, being thinner won’t change things. People won’t like you, the real you, any more because you are thin. Sure, you might get more attention from guys, but in the end, the people who matter, who want to get to know you, will be the ones who stay around for you, and not your body. The real you shines through, and the more confident and happy you are in your own skin, the more of life there is to enjoy 🙂
I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me dearly, through thick and thin (literally!). He met me at my largest and seeing myself through his eyes made me realize that I am worth it. Look to the ones you love for advice and support – they’ll be your checks and balances to make sure you’re being healthy about it all. If your weight is making you unhappy, make changes for *you* so you feel better. This confidence shines out, and *that* is attractive 🙂
NO WAY – I did Mousercize too!!! I forgot all about that show! Ah good times. And this: “Once you’re thin life isn’t any different…you still have things to do and say and deal with and although you will feel better, being thinner won’t change things. ” is so true. Thank you for the awesome perspective!
I can so relate to this post! I too got into fitness to maybe make people like and respect me more.
Funny thing was, the more obsessed I became about diet and exercise the less people wanted to be around me.
I did eventually create a pretty good looking body yet I can count on one hand I’ve received compliments on it or caught the Attention of someone I like.
If I knew the. What I know now I wouldn’t have even gotten into this game.
Wow. Such an interesting and honest comment! This is why I love you Matt! You say so much in so few words (a skill I seriously need to learn). This: “Funny thing was, the more obsessed I became about diet and exercise the less people wanted to be around me.” is so true. Found that one out the hard way myself!
Yeah, the general rhetoric of “if I was just [insert skinnier, prettier, smarter, etc, etc, etc here] then X would happen” is crazy-making. And honestly the only way to combat it, I think, is to mentally shake yourself anytime it pops into your head. A counselor I had compared it to mentally snapping yourself with a rubber band. You tell yourself “no, this isn’t a thought I give any attention to” and do something else. Call a friend, read a book, whatever. Because when you let that stew you set yourself up for really bad things.
Also, E., I know sometimes the whole love yourself, be who you are underneath, true friends will care for you no matter what ideas (while beautiful and true!) can be hard to grasp when it comes to daily life. So I’ll add realistically, from my own experience, I lost friends and (current/potential) boyfriends when I lost weight. And gained neuroses. I was heavier when I was your age too. Being skinnier fixed literally nothing and I was no fun to be around when I couldn’t eat out with friends and all I thought about was food. While I don’t know the specifics of your situation, please just keep that thought in mind.
Love this. Thank you so much for sharing some of your own powerful story, Abby!
Oh man… I see so much of myself at that age in this letter. My advice is:
-Find someone who will love you fat, skinny, healthy, unhealthy. While the typical barbie does have an advantage, I’ve noticed that it’s more attitude and confidence than anything that attracts dudes. And honestly, dudes like some curves.
-Get started. It sounds as if you have some motivation, so use whatever means necessary to start the process. I started losing weight for not the right reasons and didn’t really care how it happened, I just wanted to not be fat.
-Find better motivations along the way. In my 20s, if you told me I would be a triathlete, I would have laughed you off the face of the earth. However, I found running to be a challenge, then fun, then got a bike, and then started swimming, and all of a sudden I’m staying healthy to compete the best I can, not to fit into jeans or to impress people… but it certainly didn’t start that way.
Such a great point about finding what motivates you beyond other people. Love this: “all of a sudden I’m staying healthy to compete the best I can, not to fit into jeans or to impress people”!!
Oh dear girl. The dreaded body image trap. If only I was (fill in weight, height, size here) all would be well. People would love me. I would be happier, more successful, etc. The truth is it really is just a trap. I am 39 years old and finally realize how amazing my body really is. It birthed babies, healed and forgave me after years of drug addiction, is capable of comforting a crying child(and adult), it can enjoy a great meal and a great conversation, it can walk and hike and dance. It is my friend and houses my soul. It always fits perfectly in the arms of my husband. I know that part of your life experience as a woman will be coming to terms with your own body image. Please take my advice and love it sooner than later. Find ways to nurture and challenge it. Try not to compare it to others. It is yours alone and it is glorious.
Oh Marnae, this gave me chills: ” It birthed babies, healed and forgave me after years of drug addiction, is capable of comforting a crying child(and adult), it can enjoy a great meal and a great conversation, it can walk and hike and dance. It is my friend and houses my soul. It always fits perfectly in the arms of my husband.” So eloquently stated!
Charlotte- What a thoughful, caring response! For all of us no matter the age (50) !
E you sound like a fantastic person!!! You will do whatever you need to do because you don’t give up!
Thank you Rhonda!
AH DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT!
That email could have been written by me when I was 14. And it turned into an eating disorder. Until you are 25, ones body is still going thru so many changes, skeletal and neurological and psychological, depriving your body is the worst thing you could do. Often people tend to hang out to extra weight when they go thru a growth period and then lose it.
I started eating normal amounts about 6 months ago and I have grown 3 inches. And I know that I will never achieve the height I should have due to my restrictive behavior.
And from a vain perspective- when I was at my lowest, guys never paid me attention. Now that I have put on weight, I am more radiant and literally everyone tells me I look great. When you aren’t at your ideal weight, you look worse. And now my hair has stopped thinning! Win!
I know – that letter could have totally been written so many of us, right?? While we can’t go back and save ourselves from years of heartache, I love that we have the opportunity to help a vulnerable girl figure it out sooner than we did! And yay for radiance:))
All I know is it is a daily struggle to be happy with your body – no matter the size or shape! I think that it is just understanding that weight/shape/size is relative and different for all of us. The older I’ve gotten, the better I am about accepting my size. My goal is not to be skinny (never gonna happen!!) but to love my athletic body!!!
It really is that change in perspective from wanting to be thin to wanting to be happy that makes all the difference! Kudos Kim!
My advice is to just find what motivates you, and go for it! Most people told me I should only be motivated by health . . . ha . . . I’m 23 years old with a never die attitude (at least I’m honest). Health doesn’t even enter my radar right now, and once I accepted that as okay it made things a lot easier. My motivation isn’t a guy . . . although I love the looks I get in my slimmer figure!!! My motivation is actually a single image I keep in my mind . . . curling up in an airplane seat! I love to travel. I travel for fun, I travel for work, I travel just for travel’s sake, but it was always hard to travel at my old weight. I would envy the girls who could comfortably curl-up in those tiny seats. That image is what motivates my butt! There isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s just different!
Motivation can also change . . . Lately that image isn’t always enough for me to get my butt going. A couple of new things have sprung up! I’m getting more physically fit from all the exercise, and it’s reminding me how much I loved to play sports when I was younger. I now want to start competing in sports again (running and maybe kickboxing) and possibly teach yoga classes soon. That is a big motivation now. It wasn’t even on the radar before because I thought it was impossible. I also have a guy motivation now. I have a wonderful boyfriend who liked me when I was big, likes me now, and would like me if I got smaller. The motivation is from wanting to be able to keep up with him (he’s an athlete) and look good for him. I think he’s so good . . . he deserves a sexy little piece of arm candy! 😉
To sum it all up . . . I think any motivation is fine as long as it is your personal motivation. Just remember to let it change naturally as you grow (or shrink) and mature!
LOVE this comment Ame’! Especially this: “Health doesn’t even enter my radar right now, and once I accepted that as okay it made things a lot easier. My motivation isn’t a guy . . . although I love the looks I get in my slimmer figure!!! My motivation is actually a single image I keep in my mind . . . curling up in an airplane seat! I love to travel. I travel for fun, I travel for work, I travel just for travel’s sake, but it was always hard to travel at my old weight. I would envy the girls who could comfortably curl-up in those tiny seats. That image is what motivates my butt! There isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s just different!” You’re right – there is no “perfect” motivation so go with what really inspires you! Here’s to lots more travel in your future:)
E – I met my wife as her Personal Trainer. She was at least 30 kilos overweight. I fell in love with her soon after we started training together. She was still overweight. I didn’t care about that. What I did care about and fall in love with was her determination to improve herself. She eventually lost that 30 kilos after a lot of hard work and change of habits but though my love for her increased, it increased not because of weight loss on her part, but because of the increase in confidence. Confidence is sexy.
So, my advice to you would be this; Internalise your motivation. Do it for yourself. Then your confidence will improve and so will your attractiveness. The right man will, as cliche as it sounds, love you for what you are and what you are goes well beyond (or within if you like), superficiality.
This comment. Seriously. This is better than any romantic chick flick plot! I’m totally grinning now Nate – congrats to you and your wife!
Oh my god!! All the comentes, it’s amazing…I’m E…I wrote that mail to Charlotte and I can’t believe all the responses, this is wonderful. Thank you SO SO SO SO MUCH to all of you who took the time to think about a response and writing it here, it means the world to me and you’re all absolutely right. I won’t feel bad because my motivation is to look good, but I know the most important thing it’s me. It’s going to be hard to be comfortable but I will try and it’s great to know I’m not alone in this and that solutions do exist and this too shall pass. Thank you thank you thank you again, and thank Charlotte for writing about this and doing more than simply answering my question, you made me really happy and helped a ton. This is why you’re wonderful.
(((huge hugs))) honey! Keep me posted on how everything goes for you! You are a smart girl and I only see good things for you!
E I’m training a girl at the moment who seems to be in the same boat as you. She started off at over 130 kilograms (she’s only around 155 cm tall!) and when she got to 100 she thought she’d go out and celebrate. She was feeling really good about herself and so she bought a new dress, dolled herself up and went out on the town.
It was heartbreaking to hear her tell of how she sat at the bar and didn’t even receive a passing eye from any 1 of the number of guys that were there.
I’m not all that empathetic at the best of times so I put on my best ‘tough guy’ trainer persona and said this…
“You’re very pretty and those guys are jerks. The guy that you’re after doesn’t hang out with those guys. The guy that you’re after will come to you when the time is right. Keep doing what you’re doing but stop doing it for other people and start doing it for yourself.”
She then choked back a little sob before laying supine and repping a personal best on the bench press! haha
Keep going E. We’re all behind you.
I believe losing weight is more about personal preference but if you inspire from someone for losing weight than it very good for your body . As losing weight not only enhance your beauty but also keep you more fit and active. Moreover you can able to wear your favorite clothes without any hesitation.
I’m pretty sure just about everyo woman can relate to the feelings of this reader, but I have been that “revenge story.” Not exactly, but when I lost weight in college (and simultanously got my braces off) and gained an ED, I had all the boys who didn’t even know my name in highschool, trying to pick me up. The thing is, I’m the same person, so it made me more angry. And the closer I got to the perfect weight, which was underweight, it only made me realize the happiness wasn’t about the weight. I met my current boyfriend, and wonderful man almost 20 lbs ago (on a 5’2″ frame). He gushed about my body then, and he gushes about it still (thankfully some of the weight is boobs 😉 . Even though losing weight got me attention, it never brought me the hapiness that knowing my worth did. Maybe I had to lose the weight to realize that, or maybe I would’ve found that out with age, but I would not trade the twenty lbs for my happiness with a man who loves me for me, and supports me in being healthy. I knwo how lonely it can feel, but when you experience for yourself, you will know it’s compeltely worth the weight, and all the other guys don’t matter. Remember what you deserve, and that is unconditional love. You have to give yourself that first , to teach others how to treat you. <3
I love everything about this comment, Cassie! But you summed it up perfectly: “Remember what you deserve, and that is unconditional love. You have to give yourself that first , to teach others how to treat you.” So true and I’m so glad you figured it out in your own life!
Ah E – there are so many truths here that we all relate too. I truly do believe that losing weight is second to just being healthy. The good habits about eating healthy, exercising and laughing a lot (that’s my addition) will last you a lifetime, no matter your body size/shape.
There is only one thing here that no one has really called out. Whatever you decide to do, don’t do it alone. Choose a few amazing people who love you to hold you accountable in all things will go far. These aren’t just friends who will tell you what you want to hear, but those that will be honest: both loving cheerleaders, but also those that keep you in check. And I’ve found when I feel inclined to be embarrassed/ashamed/guilty by choices I’ve made, and I’m not willing to tell anyone else . . . they aren’t the right ones. This isn’t just about counseling (awesome call out) but about the fact that while we do the work ourselves (diet, exercise) having cheerleaders makes all of the difference.
Yep, I know – this doesn’t answer the question of doing it for ourselves or for others, just try and be healthy and thoughtful in whatever you do! (hugs)
Laughter and cheerleaders! Two wonderful additions and I totally agree. Nothing is better than a really good group of friends:)
OH MY!!! There is so much I can say BUT the one thing I really want to say is that you will not be suddenly happy if you lose weight – I am a perfect example of that…. It may help or it may make things better in the short term but long term, the internal work is what really matters & I still struggle with that! Find a way to love yourself no matter your weight….
Thank you for sharing part of your story Jody! Love you!!
Great post. I really enjoy and like to read it. Thanks for sharing this good story here.
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I am in love with this guy..and I think he likes me too (he told my bff that he likes me) but I don’t see how he could like me. I am not the kind of person someone would date…I am about 3 times his size. And I refuse to believe that anyone could really love that. I have low self esteem, obviously, wo I am trying to lose weight for this guy. He is leaving for two years and I am using that time to become the sort of person I want him to be with.
I am in love with this guy..and I think he likes me too (he told my bff that he likes me) but I don’t see how he could like me. I am not the kind of person someone would date…I am about 3 times his size. And I refuse to believe that anyone could really love that. I have low self esteem, obviously, so I am trying to lose weight for this guy. He is leaving for two years and I am using that time to become the sort of person I want him to be with.
I have to say that all the female responses here are discerning. Should it be the case that a spouse takes your love and attentiveness for granted? I would NEVER get fat for my wife, so why is she doing that to me? Love is one thing, sexual attraction is another. When we married, my wife weighed about 120lbs. She now up to about 150, and I only weigh about 160 and am four inches taller than she is. it’s easy to say “Tough beans, take me as I am” – but isn’t that basically taking advantage of your spouse’s love? I believe we all have a duty to be as attractive as we can (without overdoing it) for our spouses. Beyond health issues, it’s a matter of maintaining an active, healthy sex life. But it’s impossible to broach the subject without a major fight breaking out. What to do…?!?!?
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I don’t think losing weight or any one thing can solve all your problems, but it can help. Just like money might not be able to solve your problems, but it can help big time not to have to stress about every bill you have. I agree true happiness is something that runs deep and needs to be worked on, but I also think that if one is level-minded enough they can use the idea of losing weight as a part of the plan to becoming happy,/. ,v and not the whole plan.