Confession #1: I once wrote a review about Paula Druckerman’s much-maligned parenting book Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
I was on a super tight deadline and because of some snow storm my overnight-ed copy didn’t come overnight and… oh, enough excuses. While I gave it a favorable review I’ve always felt a little bad that I didn’t, you know, read-read it. Like, pay attention read it. So the other day when I came across it again I picked it up. And couldn’t put it down until I finished it. I looooved it! Since this isn’t a parenting blog – and you’re about to get an overload of pics of my kids anyhow – I’ll skip the nitty gritty and just say that Druckerman’s parenting philosophy a la française is totally how I parent, the only difference being that I’ve always felt guilty about it. (Oh and I’ve spent exactly one day in France.)
This was especially true when I got to the section on how the French (according to Druckerman, an American living in France) teach their children how to eat. Basically they expect them to eat everything, eat it politely and eat it at appropriate times of the day. Most French cafes don’t even have children’s menus because it’s just assumed that the kids will eat what the adults eat – and apparently they do. French moms also don’t bring snacks to every single activity and most food is cooked from fresh ingredients that day. While they limit sweets they don’t forbid them and instead of teaching kids to feel guilty about eating them they teach them to eat them and enjoy them. (I should note that Druckerman lives in the heart of Paris and I’ve heard that the cultural traditions differ by region so I’m not sure if this is true everywhere? Like I said, I was in France for one day.)
But the one part that really stood out to me was how every meal – even those served to toddlers in the Creche (the state-run daycare) – is served in three or four courses. They start with a cold vegetable appetizer, then move on to the main dish, followed by a cheese course and fruit for dessert. This isn’t done just to be pretentious but to teach children to respect and enjoy their food and the process of eating. The break between courses helps kids (and adults) to pay attention to their satiety cues and the group setting gives families time to be together and talk. Family dinner time is hugely important to me and I make it a priority at my house – not only do I enjoy it but lots of research has shown that family dinners have benefits including less incidence of eating disorders in teens, less incidence of depression, and better school outcomes.
At the very least it gets kids to eat more vegetables by feeding it to them when they’re most hungry.
Confession #2: I like to try things full bore. Why do little changes when I can massively overhaul my family’s entire meal system??
Last week I told my kids we were going to do a fun cultural experiment and try eating like the French children. This was their reaction:
Son #2 is giving me the thumbs up (he eats anything and everything and eats it in massive quantities), Son #1 is chill – he’s basically up for whatever, my husband is… amused (He loves it when I do stuff like this. I’m sure that’s why he married me.), Son #3 is full-on hating and Jelly Bean is making the classic kid-sign for ICK.
But I persisted and started them with little bowls of cucumber slices I’d marinated in olive oil, basalmic vinegar and smoked salt. The older two and my husband immediately polished off theirs and asked for more. Jelly Bean was hesitant until we told her they were basically pickles and then…
Success! And she really liked them! Ate her whole bowl.
Son #3 however could not be persuaded. He’s my picky one – which I’m still not sure how that happened as I raised him eating everything just like I did my other kids (I don’t do “baby food” with my babies – we started all our kids on smooshed versions of whatever we were eating). A lot of this happened:
This picture doesn’t do justice to all the tears shed over that one tiny cuke.
But we waited and when he finally figured out I was serious that the next course wasn’t coming until he’d at least eaten three bites he relented. I won’t say he loved them. But he ate them. So then we moved on to the main course of roasted chicken and root veggies (butternut squash, purple fingerlings, yams, parsnips, turnips, rutabagas, carrots and onions). I did a lot a lot a lot of chopping for this meal – this is what happens when it’s sleeting misery outside: I can’t stop cooking.
All plated up and ready to go!
Man, no amount of photoshop can save you guys from my horrible food photography skills. I’m sorry! It tasted better than it looks!
The chicken was a hit and the kids even gobbled up the veggies (Son #3 had to be persuaded with ketchup but whatever).
Nothing like toasting family togetherness with dead animal legs!
Jelly Bean’s not in this snap because she’s doing her daily ritual of Doing Mom’s Hair:
And not that anyone cares but I didn’t spend all day in my sweats. This was me all set for church in the a.m.:
Pin curls! And a vintage dress with an adorable peplum that you can’t see because my paparrazo is 10 and can’t take a non-blurry shot to save his sweet little life.
Mostly in the interest of dishwashing, I decided to combine the cheese and fruit/dessert courses. I was a little worried how this would go over, especially once I pulled out the baked apples. I swear I followed a recipe! I cored each apple, stuffed them full of cranberries and blackberries and baked them in their own juices. And they still came out looking like, well, this:
Look kids, Ma made cow eyeballs! I wasn’t even going to post this picture at first due to how Zoology Dissection Lab they looked but then I figured that’s 90% of the fun of eating at my house – what weird crap will I pull out of the oven next??
I tried to dress them up a bit with some whipped cream and cinnamon in a pretty bowl:
And now it’s a frog belly with an infected umbilicus and oozing dirty pus! Tasty!
Shockingly the kids thought they were freaking amazing and sucked them down. (It probably helped that they loved the idea of eating cow eyeballs. Boys are gross.) I forgot to put out the cheese but that was probably for the best as everyone was getting stuffed.
Then Jelly Bean and I went back to playing beauty parlor while the boys did the dishes! Woot!
Thus far I’ve managed to do the whole 3-course shebang every day and I have to say it’s been a raving success. While it does take a few more dishes, it really doesn’t take any additional cooking time. I’m not cooking French food, just our regular fare with the only difference being that instead of serving it family style and ending up with each kid eating a ton of the one thing he/she likes, I’ve been plating it individually which makes everyone at least try everything. And I daresay they’re enjoying this! My oldest son said he loves the new method since it means he gets dessert every night which made me giggle: if I’d served fruit at the beginning of the meal it would be nothing special and they’d only eat a few slices but calling it “dessert” and putting it on its own plate makes it special! Whatever works, right?
In the end I think this has been a success: a little more work for me but a lot more fruits and veggies (and entertainment) for them!
All of this got me thinking about how different cultures treat meal timing, prep and serving. Setting aside the different cuisines – which is normally what we talk about when we talk about a cultural food experience – it seems like every society has some interesting nuances in how they eat and I’d love to explore more of them.
Do you have a certain way of serving, eating or timing food that’s a tradition in your culture or family? Got any other ideas I should try? Is a daily family meal important to you?
Love the pics of the family (beautiful) and food (yum!)! This is a great idea. I am so guilty of meals falling victim to the rush-rush-rush of my life. It all goes on a plate together and…as you alluded…it encourages kids to pick and choose what they will eat. Ugh!
Yet I understand the family/cultural importance of a meal. You’ve shown how the multi-course meal slows it all down and helps everyone to appreciate each dish on its own. I love this idea. My mother-in-law does it (she’s German) and it never occurred to me to try it. You are amazing, Charlotte!! Keep thinking (and doing) outside the box for us all!!
Thanks Cort! Perhaps it’s just making a change that made the difference in the end? Anything that differs from routine forces you to stop and think…
I studied abroad in Paris for awhile and while I don’t think I ever had a meal truly serves in courses, they definitely do focus on slowing down and enjoying your meal and time together. There’s also a big emphasis on fresh ingredients, lots of produce – and the “deserts” are often not as sweet (I don’t like most cakes, cookies etc here, but I liked a lot of the ones there because they weren’t SO sweet and were often fruit based, like fruit with something just a little sweet added.)
I was there with a bunch of other college students so I really can’t speak to children’s menus or daycares! But overall in my experience, yeah, there was a by focus on enjoying the meal, the food and the company, instead of rushing to shovel all your food down so quickly (and sort of off topic but waiters were also paid a decent wage there so a tip was truly a tip and not needed for them to make minimum wage, and they weren’t as worried about turning over tables quickly.)
I agree with you about the level of sweetness! I’ve gotten used to things have less sugar/sweetener and so when I do occasionally eat some like a store-bought cake it tastes overwhelming and kinda icky. My fave desserts are fruit based and, like you said, mildly sweet. And thanks for sharing your experience!
I think for some kids, picky eating is related to other types of sensitivity (e.g. sensitivity to textures, being generally more hesitant of novel things). I was definitely a picky eater and I remember how upsetting it was to be expected to eat something I wasn’t comfortable with. One discolored cornflake in the bowl could make me nauseous all through breakfast. Textures were particularly problematic, especially with cooked vegetables.
I like Ellyn Satter’s books about feeding young children, and I think her philosophy is at least half-similar to the French: everyone sits down at the table and kids are offered the same foods as everyone else, no backup PB&J on offer; but then parents let the kids take control of what they eat. No requiring them to finish everything or to taste everything or withholding one thing until they’ve eaten another.
Thank you for this, Tess. I honestly hadn’t thought of this aspect at all – and I should have because my kids definitely trend towards “sensitive.” I will pay more attention to their reactions and see if it’s just reticence or causing them genuine distress. I certainly don’t want to harm them.
I’ll have to tell my parents they’re French! There were no special meals when I was a kid. We ate what the family was eating. My aunt one time was horrified that my mom was serving my brother lasagna like everyone else, instead of making him plain noodles like she fed my cousin of the same age. Guess who’s a picky eater to this day? Obviously if there was something we’d tried multiple times and hated (zucchini actually makes my brother vomit) we were allowed to pass but for the most part dinner was dinner. It helps that my mom’s an amazing cook (no canned veggies from our house) but I think my brother and I were really lucky. And kids menus are so rarely vegetarian friendly that we learned early to eat off regular menus. We also always did family dinner, no TV. I still developed an ED so clearly it’s not a perfect fix but I can’t wait to have family dinners with my kids.
Well I hope the shock wasn’t too great for them;) Your mom sounds like my kind of lady!
I agree that the family meal is very important, and so many studies back it up. Growing up, our family had dinner together every night. I was only able to miss it if I had plans out for the evening or was so sick that I slept through it (even then, I usually drowsily sat at the table just because I liked the company). Even when I moved home briefly when I was 23, I would still sit down to our family dinners (even though during the previous year of living alone I rarely had a sit down dinner myself). I think it really brings families together.
Also, I love that last picture of you and Jellybean, because there is a part where your hair makes a perfect heart!
This is a great idea. This is a great way to learn to appreciate your food. And for someone like me who takes ages for my full meter to kick in, this would allow me to enjoy things and eat just enough.
My mum worked evenings in the hospital, so most suppers, except sunday, were me and dad snarfing down something she’d left for us. As a result I tend to eat quickly and not enjoy my food so much. I really enjoy meals served in courses since it’s more about the company and the experience of the food than just getting the meal over with to do something else. 🙂
Family dinner is a very high priority for my husband and me. I get upset when activities (confirmation, sports, etc) are scheduled anytime between 5:00 & 6:30. My husband doesn’t usually get home until 5:30. Our kids are now 12 & 14, and I cook most every weeknight and serve family style (occasionally we need to rely on Papa Murphy’s). I love that half hour sitting together and talking about our day. It really helps to keep us grounded as a family. Our kids are great kids (I know, who doesn’t say that about their own), and I think that its partly because of this one parenting thing I’ve done right since their birth….because God knows I’ve messed up many others 😉 I’m also confident that it’s teaching them proper eating habits and food choices to help them lead healthier lives than their peers….I’m keeping them out of the fast food lane & packaged food aisles as much as possible with better nutrition.
My son generally eats whatever I do, but I’m also a fairly picky eater so I’m not sure that’s really much of an accomplishment.
Also, he HATED French food. He thought their cheese was wierd and he was bothered by the fact that he couldn’t have a Coke with dinner (4 Euros, no way buddy!). He subsisted largely on crepes during our trip there. Thankfully they make them in lots of varieties, including an egg and cheese one that’s pretty filling. 🙂
Family dinner was always a priority when I was growing up. Even my dad, who worked a swing shift and changed every week, adjusted his sleep schedule just to be able to eat dinner with us. I was also very active in school/after school, but dinner was still something we all sat down to together. I think it’s a great tradition to have.
I love the family pictures! Your boys remind me of my brothers with their cheeky smiles 🙂
I grew up in France, but my mum had an ED and we had a very strict diet. So I didn’t get the full traditional experience.
But yes, in every region, while the specialties vary, one thing is constant: a family meal.
Usually some salad or soup to start with then a main and then either cheese or desert. It doesn’t have to be fancy though, a piece of cheese on bread or some fruit / yoghurt.
When I moved to Canada, I was so surprised to see so many kids options everywhere! And so many snacks targeted to kids. Oh and snacks taken everywhere!
At home, kids have breakfast, maybe an 11am snack, a 3 courses lunch, a “gouter” a 4pm and then family diner.
No kids’ diner that is specially prepared for than. And no pre-made snack. Most of the time a piece of fruit, bread with a bit of chocolate or a slice of homemade cake is served.
And yes, cookies and cakes here are way too sweet! I can’t eat them most of the time.
When I have kids I know I will try my best to keep those traditions alive and make food a pleasure and the center of family life.
I like the idea of plating it up in courses. It would probably help me a lot since I tend to eat seconds at dinner.
At the very least, I think it would be fun to try – like a restaurant meal at home!!! (Hey, maybe the kids could be like waiters – I’m definitely going to try it now!!!)
Loooove the pictures!
And as further proof that we are the same person, just last night I decided that salad would be the first course, followed by the “entree.” Lo and behold, the kids both wolfed down their leafy greens!
They ate their god, then had a bit of chocolate for dessert.
It was so calm, lol!
OK, I don’t know WHY my iPhone wrote “they ate their god” (sounds like something from a Greek tragedy!), but it SHOULD say “they ate their FOOD.”
I must be French (and I am ;)). No special dinners for us, we ate what everybody ate. While there was less formality at our dinner table (2 maybe 3 course, never a cheese plate, my parents are form dirt poor Canadian farm-type roots so cheese is Cheddar — mild), we ate much later than other folks (snack after school), all ate together and chatted about our day (chatted LOUD). I always found it weird to sleepoever at a friend’s house and have to eat so early (4:30-5) and have it be so painfully quiet that I could hear myself chew and hear the cutlery hitting the plate.
I eat slowwwwww, with conversation or a good read at my side or I people/watch listen if I go to a restaurant alone and take it all in (my favorite indulgence). I taste, I think, I dream… It is seriously unfathomable for me to imagine having only 30minutes for lunch. If my current job doesn’t factor an hour, I find a way to wark around it (stay longer and later) or just wont eat until I can sit down and take the time. I’m never hungry enough to just scarf down a granola bar.
That said… I totally love fast food (sigh) and I order may courses of it (ahem). But I take my time and eat it sitting down lol 😉
Also, a Christmas eve tradition here at my place is a meat fondue (wild game is best but beef is usually the pick). A fondue forces fast eaters to slow down… you can only eat one piece of meat at a time and you have to wait for it to cook in front of you.
Several sauces, several sides, salads and ohmygodmymouthiswatering so I’ll stop there.
Growing up, we were each allowed have one or two foods we genuinely, officially, Had Tried And Did Not Like. But superseding that, Do Not Complain About The Food was a house rule. Eat it, or don’t eat it, but no going on about it. Apart from anything else, that’s unkind to whoever cooked!
WOW!!!! I hate to say that we did not do the eat together thing that much as they grew up although I did it with my family when I was young but back then, it was just done. I like this idea Charlotte!
I SO LOVE THE PICS!!! JellyBean is adorable!!!
Just wait until the kids go to college. After eating cafeteria food for 4 years they will love anything you cook for them, eye balls and all!
I’m not a big veggie eater myself. For me, veggies don’t have enough taste, texture or calories to qualify as food in my book. I look at veggies as something that’s added to food kind of like super awesome condiments. In this light I pile them onto everything I can.
Plus Spicy things like pickled peppers and onions make anything taste incredible.
I always thought that I would be this kind of mom. I love cooking and eating and wanted to impart that to my children. It was incredibly important to me and my family.
Naturally, my first born was autistic. He hates *everything.* He vomits at the sight of other people eating foods that are gross to him, as in, nearly every food imaginable. I’m so used to him vomiting at the table that it actually doesn’t bother me anymore. I just leave it there so that I can continue eating and then clean it up with the dishes.
Basically, he subsists on a diet of meal replacement shakes, crackers, and frozen waffles; and I consider myself lucky that he eats those things! I need a book about how French mothers perfectly parent their autistic children. 😉
Your kids are so cute!! Love that they are enjoying itt! I’m keen to try it!
We do a veggie appetizer followed by a main course every night. I mainly started this because our younger son is quite picky, but he loves raw veggies with some sort of a dipping sauce (and I have found ways to stick more veggies into the dipping sauces….). I love the idea of the baked apples – my mom used to make baked apples when I was little…
With a French background, I was also raised to eat what grown ups ate. I was eating prime rib and lobster before I was 4. (My mom was also a single and dating woman.) But… that’s about the extent of French meal education I got. I still LOVE going to my grandmother’s house and begging her to cook for me.
My family is Chinese so dessert was an unusual anomaly to me until I started dating my now husband. When I was younger the most we’d have was some fruit after a meal.
I have to say, I hated the food in France. As a vegetarian, I found it very difficult to find meatless dishes, and most days would find myself having eaten little else besides cheese and bread. Also, I discovered I really didn’t like anything other than mild cheese.
I can’t wait to travel Europe and eat like the Europeans!
Wow! This idea strikes me as so cool. What a unique way to make different foods stand out, get eaten by kids, etc. My only question/concern is regarding the satiety thing. I agree that it theoretically makes a lot more sense to have time between courses to notice one’s satiety. I think this sort of mindfulness with food is one of the things that keeps Europeans more thin, even when they are eating rich foods. As Americans though, do you notice that your family is now more likely to stop eating when they are full…or do they still persist to make sure they “finish” every course regardless of their internal feelings of fullness?
Well we don’t make the kids finish each course before they get the next – they just have to try 3 bites. So I think the kids are good about stopping when they are full. I think my husband and I still have that clean-plate mentality (and I still struggle with the deprivation mentality too…) but we’re getting better – something we’re learning from the kids! Also, I offer pretty small servings each course. People are always welcome to have more if they like but we start off small.
Thanks for your reply, Charlotte! I really like the “3 bite” rule. Sounds like a great way to get the kids to try new things without perpetuating the “clean your plate” rule. 🙂
Pingback:The Dessert Dilemma: Everyday Indulgence or Sometimes Splurge? [Plus: Simple, healthy fruit desserts]
Pingback:The Dessert Dilemma: Everyday Indulgence or Sometimes Splurge? [Plus: Simple, healthy fruit desserts] | Elite Daily Diet and Fitness
I just finished reading this a few weeks ago. Such an interesting book! I’ll admit that with just me and my husband at home and both of us working I can’t really work up the motivation for these kinds of dinners but I will store this away for when the kids come!