E-mail is one of the central fixtures of my day. This is partly because I’m a child of the 90’s and I still can’t get over how freaking amazing this whole Internet thing is. (For those of you who’ve never known a world without it you can’t imagine how bleak things were – I actually attended my very first official concert, New Kids on the Block, without being able to memorialize it with a video on YouTube or pics on Facebook! Okay, considering my most salient memory of that evening was my best friend getting her first period at the concert – Joey made us all simultaneously ovulate – maybe it’s for the best.) But part of it is because I just get so much of it. Lots of it is from you guys which can be in turn fun, heartbreaking, amazing, breathtaking, hilarious and weird (and heaven knows I love them all!) and I’m generally pretty good about answering them (as long as they don’t hide in that stupid “other” folder I didn’t even know existed). But a couple of months ago I got an e-mail that I officially couldn’t answer. I didn’t have the words. I still don’t. I finally had to just delete it – and I’ve never intentionally done that before. I feel terrible about it.
It was from the mother of a girl with an eating disorder who, by the sounds of the e-mail, was dying of it. The mother’s e-mail was short but unexpected. Usually in these situations I get people asking for advice about how to help their loved one but this time she had a new question for me: “Why is my daughter doing this?” and then “What did I do to make her this way?”
I was speechless. A million thoughts ran through my mind but the omnipresent one was this: While I know deeply the pain of being the one living with an ED, I know absolutely nothing of the pain of being a parent of a person with an ED. And even worse, because one of the defining characteristics of an eating disorder is how self-focused it makes you (and I’d even make the leap to “selfish” sometimes), I’d never even thought about what it was like for my parents from their perspective. Never once. I couldn’t answer her.
But I couldn’t ignore it either. To answer her second question, I would say that she did not do anything to “make” her daughter have an ED. There are so many causes and factors that go into the making of that tunnel of destruction. But as to the question of why? I don’t know that either but I think this plays a huge part in it: Dieting, even extreme dieting, is the lingua franca for girls and women these days.
The scene: Ten women seated around a conference table. Cameras and microphones recorded our every word and gesture. Diet paraphernalia was scattered around like so much detritus. Six obese women faced four thin ones. We eyed each other warily across water bottles, coke cans and a plate of mostly untouched cookies.
Two older, overweight women pointed at Allison and I and whispered behind their hands. I couldn’t tell what they were saying but the message came across clear enough. I was embarrassed and felt suddenly defensive. A few of the other women stared. One buried her face in a magazine and hid in the corner. I was fixated on the cookie platter that seemed like such a strange feature to have at such a meeting that I kept waiting for a hidden camera to be exposed. And the meeting hadn’t even started yet.
We were all gathered in the tiny cheerless room to be part of a paid focus group on weight loss programs (we have already discussed how I sell out) and the only criteria was that we were women who had ever tried a weight loss product. Other than that, we came from all races, ages, socioeconomic strata and even BMIs. Ostensibly we were there to merely discus our reactions to a new weight loss program marketing campaign – which I can’t write about per the confidentiality agreement I signed – but to do that we pretty much had to bear our souls, insecurities and all, to a bunch of strangers. Dieting, it turns out, is one of the most personal things you can talk about today. You’ll see celebrities speak openly about their sex lives and then turn cagey when asked what they eat. Heck I’ve personally done an interview with a celebrity who ‘fessed up to an affair but flat-out lied about eating a hamburger. (I only think she lied because I also got to interview her trainer and he had a much different story about her diet habits… For the record, she said she loved them and ate them all the time. He said she hadn’t touched anything resembling junk food in 10 years and had a panic attack if she even smelled a hamburger.)
At last, the awkward silence eating away at me (hah!), I cleared my throat and said to the woman next to me the first thing I could think of, “You have the prettiest red hair I have ever seen!” And it really was: auburn, curly, well-moisturized. The hair I have many times tried to dye my hair to be like, before I decided forever forsake my desired Ariel in favor of my natural Snow White.
She smiled. “I was thinking of dyeing it but…”
“Oh you shouldn’t! It’s just gorgeous!” everyone chimed in.
The mood lightened a little. Then we got down to the business of introducing ourselves. We were supposed to say the diet programs/products we had tried and why. A young woman across the room started, “I have an 18-month old son and I just… can’t lose the weight. I’ve tried everything. Right now I’m on Atkins. And it’s working. When I stick to my plan. Which lasts about two weeks.” She dropped her eyes in shame and her voice quivered. “I just want to be healthy but its so hard, you know?”
Immediately every woman in the room spoke up to comfort her and sympathize. And from then on we were all on the same team. Previous prejudices were forgotten as we unraveled our torrid dieting histories. I’d tell you everyone’s stories except they were all the same: weight lost and regained, exultation followed by embarrassment and depression, and then desperation leading us all to the aisles of our nearest GNC/grocery store/weight loss center in search of the balm that would heal us and allow us to be the person on the outside that we were on the inside. No matter what our skin color or age or weight was, we all had this in common.
It was painful. It hurt listening to everyone else’s stories, especially the one woman who spoke so glowingly about every diet she’d ever tried from Herbalife to Slimfast to Jennie Craig gushing, “It really worked for me! It was really great! It really was!” only to add, “It’s me that’s bad. I just keep gaining the weight back again. See?” And she took another cookie and ate it, whether in defeat or defiance I couldn’t tell.
It also hurt telling my own story. I forget how freaking crazy I sound until I say it all out loud. There I was in my straight-size jeans, talking about how I always feel fat and how grocery shopping is a positively excruciating experience for me because I must read every label and compare every product, paralyzing myself with indecision (for reals – ask my husband if he likes grocery shopping with me. He’ll drop bowling balls on his foot and light his hair on fire in response.)
The worst moment for me was when the group moderator asked us, “What was it that first got you interested in diet (or “health” as they kept calling it) products in the first place?” I didn’t know how to answer her because for me there never was a “first” time. I’ve never not been interested in weight loss products. I honestly cannot recall a time, even as a child, when I thought I was okay just “as is.” It’s been in the air I breathe and the Crystal Light water I drank since the day I was born. It’s inextricably interwoven into our shared TV shows, pop music and news. So many women’s stories swirling around me until they became my own.
Dieting and weight loss are the lowest common denominator for women in our society. Go to any locker room or Girl’s Night Out or scrapbooking party and you will find it. It’s a strange thing though because it isn’t socially acceptable to be “on a diet” anymore – it’s “making a healthy lifestyle change” now. We’re not supposed to care so much but we do. So we hide it from each other or poke fun at ourselves or even, sometimes, break down and cry on a shoulder about it. We rebel against the restrictions of our diets together on New Year’s Eve only to become weight-loss buddies first thing New Year’s Day. Occasionally we sabotage each other. We laugh about it, blog about it, cry about it, write books about it and call our sisters about it because in the end, we all speak the language.
I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong either. Women need other women and because of the huge emphasis in our society on weight and looks, I think it’s important that we talk to each other about it. After the group concluded, Allison and I walked out to our cars with the two women who had been so hostile towards us at the beginning. We were chatting like old friends, sharing recipes and websites – and of course, which protein bars tasted the most like real chocolate. We’d bonded over nothing more than dieting.
All of which isn’t to say that I think eating disorders are inevitable (although I’m guessing that most women have at least one or two disordered habits?) – my point in relating this story is to tell that suffering mom that it isn’t her fault. It’s all of ours. We’re victims and we’re perpetrators. We’re all in this together. And I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing.
To my e-mailer: I’m so sorry. I hope with all my heart your daughter is doing better. I hope you are too. I wish I could hug the both of you. I wish I had an answer for you. Which really is no answer at all.
How would you reply to that mother’s questions? [Certainly she deserves a better one than the not-answer I just gave…) Do you think the diet bond is a good thing or a bad thing? Mixed bag? Have you ever been in a situation where you bonded with someone simply over a diet??
P.S. A while back I got sent a review copy of Food to Eat by Cate Sangster and Lori Lieberman. It’s a recipe book designed specifically for people recovering from eating disorders. I was really impressed with her gentle treatment of something so fraught for this group – food – and with the simple recipes. I remember at the very beginning of my recovery being absolutely paralyzed when confronted with meal time. Nothing seemed “right” and I wished I just had someone I could trust to tell me what to eat. Lori uses her own experiences as a clinician to be that safe person.
I wish I had an answer for that mom. I think what you wrote here is the best possible explanation there is. It’s cultural. Girls on the playground talk about how fat they are. They compare body parts, and they reassure one another that they aren’t fat.
Probably because they’re emulating us, their moms.
Which makes me so very sad!
One of the advantages of having kids with special needs is that they aren’t as subject to peer pressure. My kids are blissfully unaware of what they’re “supposed to” look like, how they are “supposed to” act, what they “should” play with, etc. (Right now my daughter’s favorite toy is a little red car, while my son makes movies with plush toys on his Android.)
I’m glad that we, as women, can find common ground. I just wish it were over something more positive.
Fantastic post! You’ve got me thinking hmmm
I haven’t really made friends over a diet, but I can tell you some of my dearest friends are people I “met” on the T-Tapp forums. I finally got to meet a couple of them at a retreat last January, but it’s strange to list my best friends and most of them live in different states (and countries) and I’ve never met them! I teach adult education on the weekends and each weekend I have a different group. Ice breaker? Talk about food. Supplements. Workouts. By the end of the weekend we are all trying each other’s “latest thing”.
The thing is, all this female bonding over quote unquote healthy eating is actually bonding over hatred of/dissatisfaction with our bodies. I struggle to see anything positive in that even though I certainly have and do participate in it myself.
I completely agree with Andrea’s comment. There is nothing positive about sitting around engaging in discussions about how “bad” you are for eating chocolate, how you should be eating more kale but you just don’t like it, how your problem is just “X” but you can’t stop. It only reinforces the mindset that you can’t trust your own mind, can’t trust your own body, that you’re a hopeless case, etc. When I hear others engaging in these types of conversations, I just check out now. Nothing good comes of them. If you want to do something good instead, invite the person on a walk, or to yoga, or for a truly delicious meal with good company. These things make you feel good about your mind, your body, etc. in no way that trashing yourself and telling yourself that you’ll try harder next week will ever do.
Damn Charlotte, another thought-provoking beautiful post.
I am SO conflicted about this; even as I decry the objectification of women and the constant focus on looks, I prefer to be slimmer than heavier myself. And I’m even on something resembling a “diet” right now trying reverse some weight gain over the last year.
There are some health reasons (I gain the bad kind of belly fat; my blood test numbers have taken a turn for the worse since menopause, horrible family medical history w/ lots of relatives dead at my age,etc ) yet I’m not sure if these are reasons or just excuses. I want to be all muscular and lean again.
I find it actually a bit uncomfortable to talk about this stuff with other women because I feel like I SHOULDN’T care so much what I eat. I keep the chat focused on health but I suspect my more superficial motives are also obvious and I feel a bit embarrassed by it.
I do at least know I should keep signs of my food fanatacism far, far away from any impressionable young girls!
When I was in the worst throes of my ED my own mother asked me a similar question. Something along the lines of “Did I do this? I’m so sorry.” Still makes me sad to think about it. Obviously the answer is, like you say, “No, you can’t give someone an ED.” But the “healthy eating”/diet mentality is so deeply ingrained. My parents never criticized my body or weight but I watched my mom diet for as long as I can remember. That was normal. Like you I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware of all of that. Do I think that caused my ED? No, but it gave me a way to hide it when I did have one and a background where I could say it was (almost) normal. That’s scary.
At this point I think bonding over diet is a bad thing. Always. Of course that doesn’t mean I’m not guilty of it myself but I really do try to keep the food talk to “I ate the most amazing thing this weekend” or “Check out this new recipe I tried” and not “I ate so much this weekend, I need to watch what I need for the next week” or “This new recipe only has X number of calories”. When people do start in on that I try to just walk away or put on my headphones, anything. I know how triggering that talk is for me and I can only imagine it is for other people, even ones who don’t have an ED.
Thanks for the fabulous post–and the plug for Food to Eat! Unfortunately, the female bonding around weight-talk and food obsession only happens if the perspectives are shared; if someone thinks you are too skinny or else disagrees with THE way to lose weight or eat ‘healthy’, forget the girly bonding! I also want to thank you for reinforcing that parents are not the cause of their offspring’s eating disorders!
I understand what you are talking about and think I will have a look at the book Food to Eat as the complexities of food is something that scares me. As a result I have food delivery so that somebody else figures out portion size and calories and nutrition. I personally don’t talk about what I eat or diets with friends because I don’t want to get into the ups and downs of every success and failure. It just seems like people can spend forever discussing it no matter how often it has been discussed in the past. Too much!
Hi Cindy,
If you need more convincing, besides food-2-eat.com see the reviews on Amazon as well!
One of my colleagues at work has a teenage daughter with an ED. She’s fighting hard to get her daughter the help she needs, but struggles with why and how her daughter came to have this disease. She and I have had a number of discussions because I had an ED growing up (and still have food issues), and she came to me looking for some insight. Sadly, I felt that I couldn’t really give much. Her biggest question was whether her daughter would ever be well, would she ever have a healthy relationship with food. I didn’t have a good answer for her because I still struggle (although less now than in the past) and I’m not sure I will ever not worry about what I eat. My friend’s daughter, however, is doing much better but is still undergoing treatment.
I met one of my very closest girlfriends on the message boards when we were doing Nutrisystem. We are able to talk to each other candidly about how we feel and are eating, more so than any friend I have here in MN. Which is wonderful because I had a meltdown over the weekend while trying (and failing) to try on clothes, and I felt like she was the only person who could I could talk to who could relate. We’ve bonded in a much deeper sense since then, but having a friend like her has been priceless. I named my blog accurately, I do struggle with my rear end, not just trying to get rid of it but also struggling with it’s existance at all. The da(rn) thing breaks my heart, but I always know my friend is there to listen without judgement.
Being a normal weight for my height, I find it helps break the ice with larger ladies if I mention that I have to work hard to maintain my weight and that I can’t eat exactly what I want. I find it interesting sharing food and nutrition tips with people. It shouldn’t be all your relationship with someone is about though – that’s when it gets unhealthy.
I try, whenever I’m with my girlfriends, to celebrate the good parts and try and stop the diet bonding. Its very hard though, because it seems like that is one thing we all can agree on. Even yesterday I went out to a couple’s high tea and my friend’s husband was getting in on the diet talk! Escaping the diet mentality is so hard when its woven into every part of our lives (no wonder I was able to fall back into it.)
As for the mom, I can tell her what I told my mom (me and my sister have ED): It isn’t your fault. Its probably easier to hope it was your fault, because then you can see if there was something in your behavior that you can change to help your daughter, but it isn’t your fault. Please just be there for your daughter, and take care of yourself. If wish both you and your daughter the best and hope that she can find the help she needs.
Because I have never really struggled with weight (just worked really hard to lose it after childbirth 2x) I don’t have a lot of personal experience. I know that there are times when I’m not as happy with my body as other times and if I dare to say anything around other women, some get offended. I tried once to explain that I wasn’t saying I was fat, just that I needed to work a bit more to be where I’m at my happiest. After a couple of similar experiences over the years, I learned that it was best for me to just keep my feelings about my weight to myself.
Sad that there is so much comparison among females (even friends).
I agree with Andrea. When we bond over dieting we are endorsing each other’s hatred for our bodies; not to mention, making it seem normal and ‘friendly.’ It’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I also like what you said about diets now being called ‘lifestyle changes.’ I think this is one of the most evil manipulations of our day. Yeah, it’s a new lifestyle. A lifestyle where you count every point and work out just to eat more points.
Wow! Your blog today is so perfect for my today. Today I flew in to spend a week loving on my 21 year old anorexic college student daughter. She has dropped to a dangerous place and has agreed to step up her care. She desperately wants to be “normal” but can’t seem to find her way there (Does normal even exist? Aren’t we all a little screwed up like you suggested?) I’m walking in the shoes of the mom you address in this blog. It’s hard to not feel responsible for my daughter’s state—it’s been 4 LONG years for me so far with hospitalizations, therapists, etc. The hardest part is knowing the only thing I can do is love on her and support her in ways that work for her—letting her go away to college etc. She asked me today for some meal planning ideas….I was a little nervous about getting into it with her, but I just googled the book you suggested and am SO encouraged to get it for her. Thank you!
Wow, this blog post is so thought provoking. I am well within my healthy BMI range (at the lower end) but because I have gained 7 lbs. over the last couple of months, I think that I am “fat” now. This is ridiculous. I know I am ridiculous. However, I am struggling every day with it. I feel so much healthier than a few months ago. I feel stronger. I am still working out just like normal, am able to run 12 miles without too much of a problem, and able to snowshoe up the mountains where I live. So why, do I think I am “fat” right now? Ugh. It is pathetic but true. Do I think that our culture is obsessed with “diet talk?” Umm, yeah. Apparently, I am too.
Nice. I’m dealing with this right now too, and find that I have NO IDEA what non-disordered eating looks like. It’s hard. Really hard. And the bonding over diets? So true. Thanks.
Oh it makes me so sad!!! EDs are so “normal” snd common, it is awful. I don’t know how to answer that email either. It is such a complex and personal thing.
My experience growing up and even now must be pretty unique then. My circle of female high school and college friend are mostly Asian, healthy, active, slim, and I can’t ever recall us having a discussion on dieting or losing weight or food unless it is to discuss how yummy something is. 10 years after high school, still the same. Everyone has remained the same size since high school, and our reunions have been mainly about catching up more than anything else. Looks are never mentioned.
Thank you for posting this article. As a Nutritionist I end up engaging in these types of conversations all the times. My favorite conversations are those with my clients about WHY they are desperate to lose the last 5-10 pounds, usually it revoles around vaniety. These clients are often the women who feel very unfulfilled in their lives and focusing solely on their weight, body image is often a great distraction. When they feel more grounded and fulfilled, the weight becomes an afterthought. But this can be a “tough sell” becuause women often think, “if I could only be a sixe 4 then I’d be happy”…such the opposite is true.
This is exactly my experience : if only I was happy, I could be size 8 or 6. 🙂
I most certainly speak “diet” – I learned to speak that when I was a teenager. At the same time I’m pretty bored about talking diet and wish I can stop talking about it at some point of my life. That is why I “work hard” to learn to have a normal relationship to food and eating.
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