So if men get their own yogurt (bro-gurt!) does that mean women can finally get girly beef jerky? Because I know I like my meat products dyed pink and stamped with a breast cancer logo! Some things, like sports bras and jock straps, require gender delineation. Food products do not qualify.
Weird Gym Moment of the Day (In Which I Look Like a Total Creeper): Gym Buddy Allison and I were exiting the gym after a nice sweaty workout when a flash of skin caught my eye. We were walking past another fellow sweaty girl and her eyes locked with mine at the exact moment that I realized what she was doing. Having just hopped off her spin bike, she was leaning forward and had pulled her shirt up. And – here’s where it gets weird – she then pulled the bottom of her sports bra forward and shoved a towel clear up her top so she could wipe off her sweaty cleavage. You guys she was flossing her boobs. On the gym floor.
While I literally fell into Allison laughing, I have to admit I totally understand where this girl is coming from. I’ve often said that I sweat like a dude but that doesn’t mean I sweat in dude places. A sweaty chest may sound sexy but in reality it’s just as stinky and annoying as sweating anywhere else. Although my usual method of dealing with it involves a sort-of shoulder shimmy while at the same time pressing on my chest with my fingertips, trying to force my stupid workout top to do its job and start doing some wicking already! I’m guessing her method is a lot more effective.
Allison suggested that someone should invent a boob-flossing towel as there’s obviously a niche (ha!) market there. Plus it could have so many other uses – padding for the small among us, chafe-protecting, and of course any number of magic tricks that involve pulling scarfs out of… well, nevermind. You get the idea.
Well Allison’s idea got me thinking about other unfilled niche markets for women’s fitness products. In the past, the method has just been to take whatever the men are using, dye it pink and slap a breast cancer logo on it. (Side note: My son used to think that logo was a fish and was so impressed that so many women apparently loved fish that much.) While this works fine for things like kettlebells, other items like weight lifting gloves really do need to be redesigned for women. But what about the areas where there is no male product already existing to serve as a template?
Like, for instance, a swimsuit shoehorn. Tonight was Jelly Bean’s first swim lesson and holy balls of sheep cheese was she adorable in her little pink tutu’ed suit! She jumped! She splashed! She kicked her chubby little feet! And, of course, she had to pee! Let me tell you: Taking a little girl to the potty in a wet swimsuit is a whole different experience than a little boy! You’d think after three years of having a girl around I’d stop being surprised at all the differences between the genders, but no. It was like squeezing a piglet through a water balloon. I finally had to just grab her top two straps and lift her off the ground, bouncing her (gently) to get her to settle back in like a pillow into a flannel pillowcase. As I watched her do one final butt wiggle and de-wedgie-fying pull, I realized it’s not just little girls who suffer. Who among us hasn’t done the dance of the seven squeegees as we try to wriggle back into a wet swimsuit after a potty break?
Or, even worse, who has ever tried to squeeze themselves into one of those Spanx or shaping swimsuits? I remember the first time I saw an “Assets” one-piece in Target. It looked so utterly adorable with its retro mini skirt and flattering shirring that I had to try it on. Twenty minutes later, confined in a dressing room the size of an airplane bathroom, I was huffing and puffing and jumping and wiggling – and finally got it all the way up. I was underwhelmed. For that much work I’d expected to look like Jessica Rabbit but instead I just looked like me. But in a black swimsuit with pale, unshaven legs and calf-high purple fuzzy socks. Fine. Whatever. I didn’t need to spend the money.
But when I tried to take it off I realized that the “slimming panels” were actually straight-jacket panels. No matter how I twisted, sucked in or shimmied, I could not get that thing past my hips. (And it wasn’t even wet!) I briefly considered emergency texting the Gym Buddies to run to the store and hold me upside down by that stupid skirt and shake me out. Unfortunately I get no cell reception at all in Target. My next plan involved the walk of shame to the cash register chanelling my inner Gaga (from her pantsless days) – until I realized my underwear was hanging out the bottom. This left me with two options: just putting my clothes back on over it and starting my life of crime at age 34 or going all Incredible Hulk on this thing. Seeing as I don’t fancy a trip to jail, I went with the latter option. To make a long, boring story even more boring I did eventually get the stupid suit off, unharmed (well physically – my dignity was shredded.) I can guarantee you no dude has ever been stuck in a locker room trying to gnaw his way out of a swimsuit. See? Where’s a swimsuit shoehorn when you need one??
Had any awkward gym encounters lately? Have you ever gotten stuck in anything in a dressing room? (I wish I could say that the swimsuit incident was the only time that’s happened…) How do you take care of your boob sweat? Anyone else have a female fitness product that needs inventing??
I work out at home, in an Enell sports bra. I too shove a towel down and floss when I need too (love that image !) but I don’t have others around me to be amused. I don’t know what I’d do in a gym situation.
The only time I got stuck, getting into csomething wasn’t in a store but when I was going swimming with the sharks at an aquarium in Sydney. Have you ever tried to put on a wetsuit that is – well wet , and I swear 2 sizes too small ? I shimmied, shook, grunted, swore, turned myself inside out, and only had it on up to my knees ! They had to get the instructor to come and get me into that thing. It took about 10 minutes. I got out of the changing room (the size of a airplane loo) and I was exhausted. It was a full on cardio workout, one of the hardest I’ve done !
In case you’re unfamiliar with Enell here is a link (http://enell.com/) I’ve just ordered the purple one and a black one. They aren’t the most attractive, but they work, the girls don’t move a bit, and for an E cup – that’s important 🙂 But with all that coverage there’s a lot of sweat.
I actually tried an Enell once but even their smallest size is too big for me (have I mentioned recently I’m as flat as a 12-year-old…boy?) SIGH. But all of my larger-chested friends swear by them! They definitely swear they work better than anything else.
Ooh, I hear ya on the swimsuit thing! That’s why I love the long tankini tops and bottoms. No more stripping just to go to the bathroom! 🙂
Yes, I have unfortunately gotten stuck in more than one dress in a dressing room. I have a rather ample chest, and if the dress is fitted and just a tad tight – I’m stuck. It was with tears in my eyes and sweat down my brow that I finally got myself out of them! My hubby wrangled me out of a dress once! Now I’m very careful to grab dresses two sizes too big to start with, to eliminate the problem.
Yeah, I really need to get her a tankini! Glad I’m not the only one who hogtied themselves in a dressing room;)
OMG! You’re so funny! I totally get the swimsuit thing! (experienced by myself as well as my daughter when she was small)
As for the boob flossing – no worries for me, as there’s not enough boob that get squished together all sweaty! A tight sports bra squishes me flat so the bra instantly wicks away any sweat on my chest! 🙂
I get stuck or almost-stuck in my sports bras all the damn time. Usually I can just keep shimmying to wriggle out of them, but once or twice I’ve had to stick my head out the bathroom door and whisper frantically to a housemate or Gym Buddy to come help. I also get my broad shoulders and big…biceps almost-stuck in tight sleeves all the time, but I’m usually pretty good at recognizing the problem before it becomes a panic situation.
LOL! I have SO been there with the sweaty sports bra!!
I wear a lot of vintage clothing, and they all require some sort of foundation garment to fit into properly. Spanxs are so hard to wear- it’s a workout just to get them on, only to feel like an overstuffed sausage while wearing it the rest of the day! The old school foundation garments are the way to go. They look scary with all their hooks and eyes, but they are so much easier to get on and off than Spanxs.
Ooh you are my soul sister! I looooove vintage clothing – but I’ve had a hard time finding the right foundation garments – where do you get yours?! I find that I need more of a waist nipper than the general hold-it-all-in spanx. And most corsets are just lingerie that look like corset but aren’t. Would love recommendations if you have any!
I (heart) Rago! You can buy them here in their shape salon: http://www.secretsinlace.com
The one I have is actually a Rago – and it is the one I like the best! I’m just being nitpicky now but it’s not quite as “firm” as I’d like and it would be nice if it went a little further down. But thank you! Maybe they have another style I haven’t tried! I’ll go look!
After years if swimming and life guarding, I learned early on to just pull the crotch of the suit to the side, take care of biz, and return the crotch to center. Interesting to do, but so much easier than trying to peel the wet suit off and then struggle to get it back on…its never as comfortable after that, either.
I also agree on the whole sweating thing! The #1 reason I stopped wearing underwear for long “practice” runs, marathons, and half marathons. The running pants are fairly easy to mess with for the bio break, but underwear clings and never wants to return to normal…plus all that fuss and bother leaves me in those lovely port-a-potties longer than I can hold my breath and messes with my split times 🙂
I read this post and kept thinking, “why doesn’t she just pull the crotch of the swimsuit to one side and get business done?” I have done this for years and kind of thought it was normal.
Good tip about pulling the crotch to the side! I’m not sure how that would work with Jelly Bean though. She’s a “I DO IT MESELF!!” kind of girl, esp. with the potty. And your description of the porta potty totally made me laugh. SO been there!
Oh man. I got stuck in a “shaping” workout top at TJMaxx one time.It really is a true panic situation! I finally got it off, but it yanked the earring out of my ear and lost the darn thing. And you know what? I still bought the stupid top. It’s twice as difficult to get out of after a long, sweaty run. Aaaand, it rides up with the twisting motion of running. I hate that shirt. Every time I see it I wonder why I still have it.
I have no good answer to give myself.
Oh this made me laugh so hard! I have a top like that too. It rolls up like a window shade whenever I run and takes some serious contortion to get on an off – and I still have mine too. Maybe we should have a cyber-sport-top burning party?
This is a really good point. I think one thing that would be nice if they redesigned would be the circumference of weights and weight machine handles. I’m not sure about everyone else but I have really tiny hands and just holding on to some of the equipment is a workout.
I swear some companies stand in meetings and say “Shrink it, pink it, and market it towards girls!” And seriously, as much as I support raising money for breast cancer I would love a little variaty. Mostly in color. As much as I love pink I would love a different color now available. And why is there a difference in price? Why is the pink vacuum cleaner more expensive than the red one? The pink gloves more expensive than the black ones? Why are bosu balls so expensive at all? (Wait, tangent!)
It’s not only swimsuits I get stuck in. If I have to use the restroom mid run and pull my spandex back on, especially if it’s cold, it’s always a battle. And it takes miles for them to “settle in right”. I would use the swimsuit shoe horn for more than just my swimsuit!
Good point about the running pants/shorts – it’s especially bad when they’re all sweaty! And I totally agree with you about the bosus!!!
I also pull the crotch of the swimsuit aside. It’s just easier! 🙂
And, yeah, shweddy boobs are an issue. I’m a D cup and it gets…uncomfy, to say the least.
As for invention, well, I’m still working on the patent for my Makita Q-Tip.
What is a Makita Q-tip?!
Take a Makita power drill, place a Q-Tip on it, press the Power button and VOILA!
I second the other comments about pulling the crotch aside. My mom taught me that as a little girl in a swimsuit — I’m sure to avoid what you are talking about here.
For inventions — how about a headband that actually doesn’t slip and keeps your hair back. I’m sorry, but I’ve tried them all, and only barrettes keep my bangs back and don’t fly off the back of my head in the middle of turbo kick.
AMEN. I’ve never found a headband that works for me either – it’s why I never wear them. None of them are ever truly “no slip” – at least not on my wonky head.
Thank you!
I don’t get embarrassed in the gym (honestly, I peed so hard squatting last week, I had to go home immediately and change my clothes, but I walked out of the gym proud that I gave it my all, so to speak!)
But I did get stuck in a dress in the dressing room. It was one of those with the side zipper- so it fit too closely at both the bust and the hips! and it was lined so 2 layers of hell to try and pull off. I finally had to exit my cubbie and beg the other women in there with me to yank me out of it. It took 2 of them!
Glad I’m not the only one who’s hogtied herself in a dressing room! And yay for the kindness of other women:) I had a stranger help me out of a pair of skinny jeans at a thrift shop once…
As a gianormo boobed girl, I can tell you that boob sweat is not only gross, it’s also really bad for your cleavage’s complexion. Chest and boob zits from sweating and rubbing together in a sports bra are sooo gross. I usually prevent the entire problem by folding a handkerchief neatly into my cleavage after putting on my sports bra, as a way to prevent them from being mashed together and sweating and trapping the sweat in there and as a way to absorb the sweat. Wa-hoo, boob sweat and hidden handkerchiefs!
Ha! That’s ingenious. I’ve never heard of that solution before but I love it! (Although in my case it would just look like I’d done a really poor job of trying to stuff my bra…)
Great idea! Will def try this!
holy crap i just now realized why i’m getting a “chest” breakout for the first time in my life…*d’oh!*
also this:
.” It was like squeezing a piglet through a water balloon”
omg i lol’d here in the office !
Sports bra for sure, and after shoulder surgery a killer. Maybe the sports bra was the cause of the shoulder surgery! I am very thankful for the ladies in the locker room who have helped me with my hook and eye, but the real struggle is getting it on and off. Being a D cup gives me fewer options, but sure wish they made a T-back with a front close that didn’t give me a uniboob.
I got a t-back with a front close from Wal-mart. Danskin brand I think. It has independent, molded boob cups so it works reeeallly well! I even got it on clearance. I don’t know if they still carry that style, but it has been my all time favorite sports bra.
Checking that out Joemama! Thanks.
I have sprained the muscle to my thumb from my wrist multiple times (ahem) getting some of my well fitting sports bras off….It’s a nice feeling when they fit like a glove, but man…the tops with built in bras sure are a lot easier to get out of 🙂
Well…I may have tried on workout shirts and had a small panic attack. I got into it and loved the beautiful red top. Trying to get out of it was another story. I managed to get my head and arm stuck in the shirt. I got one arm out and tried frantically to get the other one out. It seemed to be glued on so i pulled down and then tried again (spinning because that helps?!?). Well after that it still wasn’t moving so I sat down on the floor and cried with one arm stuck in the air. Eventually i basically turned myself upside down and shimmied out of the darn thing. Huffing and puffing and wiping away tears.
…I didn’t buy it.
Oh I’m laughing so hard just picturing this!! So glad I’m not the only one!
Also I totally got stuck in a maxi dress while 8 months preggers. I couldn’t get the zipper down and my hubby was working late. So I ended up going to sleep in it and had him help me out of it in the morning. Sadly I handled this better than the store!
I bought my first Spanx for my brother’s wedding last month. It was held in a hotel and thankfully we had a room because halfway through the reception I started to get really hot and sweaty and I couldn’t breathe, I went up to our room and ripped that thing off so fast…it was insane!
This is why I like a large towel in the gym. I can cover the entire bench when working on it and folded in half you have one half acting as curtain and the other half can take care of sweat in unmentionable places. Also should you hear a tearing sound as you brush by the pulley machine too closely you have an ample curtain to hide behind while you determine the extent of the damage.
The web site Its Cool Now has your breast floss situation covered. http://www.itsnowcool.com/shoots/view/midnight-hour My nieces are coming to visit and I needed to brush up on my hip Aunt image so I was doing a little research. Don’t judge!
Buwhahaha! That picture is awesome! And I would never judge someone for looking at weird fashion sites – you should see my search history;) Have fun with your nieces!!
Tears rolling down my face as I read of your Target experience. I’ve had nothing near as funny. I do have a hard time getting out of my sports bra these days, and if I plan to go to yoga after my run I usually walk around naked for a while before I try to squeeze into my yoga clothes.
Warn a girl when you make a few references to hilarious truth that hits too close to home? I spit my tea through nose and mouth at my iPad when reading today’s post! Thanks for letting us know we’re not alone in life’s little dressing room dilemmas!
Hahah – duly noted! (And thank you:))
You always crack me up but this post was over the moon. I came home from work once and couldn’t wait to get out of my little dress……. I was stuck and had to wait til my hubby got home to help. (This was pre cell phone era, of course) My arm fell asleep over my head, my hair was matted to my face from my tears, the dress was ripped but I was still stuck. What a nightmare. I’ve been tangled in swimwear also. I have bought suits that fit like a dream dry and as soon as I got them wet – woooo hoooo – they adhered like crazy glue. You can’t even pull the crotch aside to pee they are so stuck to you!
Oh your dress story makes me so sad for you! I’ve ripped a dress trying to get it off too… ah the things we do for fashion:)
And men wonder why we go to the bathroom together.
EXACTLY!!!!
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Ugh, I hate getting stuck in clothes. Especially sweaty workout shirts when my arms are tired. I did have a really hard time getting *into* a wetsuit the first time I tried one on. My husband shook me into (violently, I might add). And, then of course I couldn’t get out of it. Good times.
While I’ve gotten stuck in a swimsuit or two this is about revisiting a “spanks” type apparatus. In ’97 about 6 months after having my second child, I was a brides maid for a close friend. The dress was a tight fitting sheath style number. It didn’t help that, while all of us bridesmaids had our own unique style of dress (same color and fabric), the groom to be’s sister had the same dress, only she had the kind of body that begged to be wrapped in a sheath dress. I purchased one of those contraptions that squeezes the upper thighs, hips and tummy, with hooks all the way to just under the breasts (those were my one knock out feature due to breastfeeding). It did its job.
Years later, and two more kids later, I dragged the apparatus out of its hiding place to make a tight dress wearable. I had to pull it over my butt and hips like nobody’s business. Incredible upper body workout getting the hooks fastened, while my preteen daughter provided moral support. Put my tight, glittery cocktail dress on. My upper thighs, hips and tummy were flawless. So what went wrong? There was a perfect roll of fat just under my breasts and shoulder blades. I’ve worn period piece costumes that required a foam fat roll to give that oh so authentic full hip look. This was pretty much a perfect replica. Only it was a torso too high. The only thing my daughter and I could do was laugh hysterically as we went about undoing the disaster.
I was laughing out loud to this post! One of the times I was stuck in a dressing room was when I was trying on LINGERIE the day before my wedding. It was this cute thing with a bow in the front and I guess I managed to put it on without undoing some well-hidden hooks. Well, between being a virgin and nervous about what lingerie meant, ANYWAY, and then getting STUCK, I just about had a panic attack! I managed to figure it out, but it was a near-hysterical (seriously, I almost started giggling in a crazy way) moment.
Thanks for the post and the ensuing chuckles!
Oh, and I totally bought the lingerie!
~Julie
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Oh dear, you make me giggle. It’s not only from the image of you doing it, but also remembering myself in a few too many similar situations!
My Wife and I have a very active marital life. One of the things she insists on is to be modest in bed so she wears sleepwear and lingerie. One of the non-negotiables is that when it gets down to things that these pieces are accessible so teddies and body briefers all have closure fastenings at the ride, some with snap fasteners but my preference are old fashioned hook and eye closures and for some loose teddies buttons. I like her in high cut panty girdles the ones that look like briefs but are tight on her abdomen because they make her feel very snug when we are ahem coupled. However these garments can also be fitted with hook and eye closures so they are also readily accessible. Thee fasteners are tight and with an overlap they are highly reliable particularly on tight fitting wear such as swim suits so to ease your practical lives why do Women not insist on these fasteners on swim wear and even on panties? I mean if these systems are practical for a couples sex life they are also practical for bathroom breaks as well. I have purchased about a dozen panty girdles that are basically full high cut briefs and I am having them fit for three hook and eye fasteners. The tension in the spandex will hold the fasteners firmly closed until she or I want those fasteners undone. The idea is that they can be worn in the normal course but always provide practical ready access to a Woman’s private parts when she desires or requires it. Frankly ready access is a practical answer for both bathroom needs and sexual availability and Women’s wear should take this into account. There is a line of panties that has just come out with buttons at the crotch and they were designed for intimate access yet full closure in the normal course. The buttons are a bit of a pain if a Woman has to undo them or do them up but hook and eye fasteners are far less trouble and much easier to operate plus they are fully secure when they need to be. Snap fasteners are simply not reliable enough for practical use. Oh in our home, those fasteners do not get undone until she decides they need undoing.