Game night at our house always opens up some interesting conversation. (“Mommy? Why is there a candlestick in Clue? How do you kill someone with a candlestick?!) And tonight was no exception. We were playing “Whoonuu?” with some friends and in case you’ve never experienced the tiddlywink awesomeness of it all, the point of the game is to guess the other players’ favorite and least favorite things from a given list. The better you are at guessing your friends’ preferences, the more you win. So imagine my surprise when it came my turn and a friend gave me a card that said “working out”… for my least favorite thing.
“Wait, what?” I looked at the card wondering if I’d read it wrong. “I love working out! I do it almost every day!”
“Well, yeah, but you can do something every day and still hate it,” she explained.
“True, but kickboxing isn’t cleaning toilets. Exercise is my job, my entertainment, my passion!”
“But…” As I looked at her crestfallen face, I suddenly remembered that for some people exercise is exactly as fun as cleaning toilets. (And for those of you now wondering why I’m cleaning toilets every day: three boys, bad aim.)
“I freaking love it,” I said adamantly. And as soon as the pronouncement left my lips, I felt it: the guilt.
In fact, just typing this all out makes me kind of embarrassed. Do I sound like one of those over-bearing prats at parties who chastises the hostess for not using nitrate free bacon for origami prawn-wrapping and then exhorts all the guests to do 10 squats every time they use the toilet (preferably while using the toilet since it’s so great for getting that digestive tract moving)?
But then I quickly remembered a different conversation from earlier in the week and felt the guilt disappear… under a wave of completely opposite guilt. Allison and I had been talking about her return to running (she’s doing her first race next month since the birth of her baby and she’s super excited!) when another friend asked me about my race calendar for the upcoming season.
“Nothing,” I answered. It’s true. I haven’t registered for a single race. I ran the charity 5K in January with my family and while it was fun, it made my heel pain flare up* and so since then the longest I’ve run is two miles and have instead just focused on other more HIIT-oriented workouts. I’m enjoying my workouts and while I do love a good run, foot pain sucks all the joy right out of it. Plus, racing gets pricey.
“Oh, what a shame!” she exclaimed. “You haven’t lived until you’ve run a marathon! At the very least, sign up for a couple of half-marathons to keep your base training.” As she went on to list her very intensive race schedule, my first instinct was annoyance – this is a person who knows about my over-exercising history and yet is still always telling me I need to do more (because she does and since she doesn’t have a problem then of course I shouldn’t either) – but that was quickly superseded by that panicky guilty feeling of wondering if she was right. Maybe I should be doing more? I probably could do more if my stupid brain weren’t so broken, right? And maybe that’s why I don’t have the perfect body?? If I just ran more, maybe I’d magically lose all my wobbly bits, get abs and, while I’m imagining, grow that mane of thick, red Anne Shirley hair I’ve wanted my whole life.
I argued with Runner Girl in my head the whole car ride home. The thing is, I have run a marathon distance. I did 26.2 miles on my own, as training for the marathon I was intending to do, and then went to a kickboxing class after for an hour without any rest or refueling in between, fainted, woke up with a heart arrhythmia, refused a Vitamin Water because it had calories in it and then decided I was having a heart attack – all of which pushed my husband into finally intervening in my downward spiral and – bam – that’s how I found myself back in eating disorder treatment 5 years ago. And also, hasn’t she heard the most current research about how marathon running is not terribly good for your health and may actually make you more likely to die? And then I realized that there really is no good way to tell someone that you disagree with them about their health decisions without it sounding like a personal indictment and so I should just shut up already. I felt guilty for over-exercising and under-exercising all at the very same time!! Don’t I get a medal for that?
Ah, exercise guilt, my old friend. If there was a race in feeling guilty I would so totally win that one. And there are so many different types of exercise guilt! Just for funsies, let’s break it down:
Types of exercise guilt:
1. “Why aren’t I an ultra trail runner?” guilt: Feeling bad you’re not doing as much as someone else. Often induced by watching the Tour de France, training with a group of local die-hards or even just watching a runner bounce in place at the stoplight because you always use the red lights to rest. Mitigated by: Listening to any of the previous people complain about their overuse injuries.
2. “Why do I love something most people hate” guilt: Feeling bad that you’re doing more than someone else. Often induced by talking to people who have a lot of guilt themselves about not exercising and/or listening to people say things like, “You’re ditching us again for a 2-mile swim? Aren’t you basically made of steel already??” Mitigated by: Listening to any of the previous people complain about how they get out of breath going up stairs.
3. “Why can’t I force myself to do something that’s so amazingly good for me” guilt: Feeling bad that you don’t exercise. Often induced by watching TV, reading magazines, listening to health gurus, reading the Internet, talking to the skinny mom at PTA who sticks her 3-month-old twins in the jogging stroller so she can use nap time as running time. Mitigated by: Realizing that the experts are experts because they’re good at what they do and then realizing how many other people are in your same boat.
4. “I pity the fool” guilt: Feeling bad that you don’t agree with someone else’s philosophy. I get this one a lot. Turns out that after 6 years of writing about this stuff I’ve developed some pretty strong opinions about what I thing is based on good science and what I think is not. And while I’m sometimes surprised by things I thought were bunk but turn out to be awesome, more often I find myself overly irritated when someone tells me I need to eat more low-fat dairy or that sugar-free Jell-O is nature’s perfect food. And then I feel like a jerk for being sanctimonious. Mitigated by: reminding myself that everyone is entitled to do what makes them feel happy and also that I am only the expert of me and therefore should only offer my opinion when asked.
5. “Life’s not fair” guilt: Feeling bad that you have it better or worse than someone else. This one can swing so many ways – you feel guilty that you never work out and yet maintain a perfect size 2 figure effortlessly. Or you feel guilty that you have the money and opportunity to workout and yet you still can’t find the motivation. Or you feel guilty that you’re not a good example for your kids. Or you feel guilty that exercising takes time away from your kids. Or you feel guilty that you work out all the time, eat perfectly and still fight to stay just this side of the obese cut-off. Or you feel guilty for not caring at all. Mitigated by: Helping someone else who hasn’t been dealt the best hand.
But here’s the thing about guilt. It’s so totally normal. It’s also so not productive. You have to turn it into something else – humility, empathy, action, motivation, a stand-up comedy routine – to make it meaningful. I think for me, wallowing in my guilt (whatever the flavor of the day is), is my way of procrastinating the hard work of doing what I know I should be doing. I think that if I feel bad enough about it that will excuse me from fixing it. As an inveterate navel-gazer, I’ve had to learn this the hard way: No one ever changed something by simply feeling bad about it.
Is this my own particular brand of cuckoo or does anyone else get exercise guilt? How do you overcome it? Or are you one of those super self-confident folks who never feels guilty? Anyone else wish they had Anne Shirley hair??
*Several of you have asked about how my plantar fasciitis is doing and the answer is… okay. The only time it ever bothers me now is when I run for more than 20 minutes. I kickbox, do cardio classes, lift weights and don’t feel so much as a twinge but running, for whatever reason, still isn’t working. I’m not fighting it.
Ha, what a great post! I love that you’ve covered exercise guilt from all angles. I’m sure most people think of exercise guilt as only happening when they DON’T exercise, but I wonder how many people stop and think about guilt when they DO? Or they do the apparently ‘wrong’ exercise? Or not enough? Or too much? There are so many opportunities for us to feel guilty about every aspect of exercise!
Having been a runner myself for about two decades, I made a decision about five years ago to stop entering running races. About two years ago, I stopped going to my running club. About a year ago, I quit running completely. Thinking about it now, that means I had around five years of “I’m not running guilt”! OMG, how crazy!
I weaned myself off running because I was so fed up of having injuries. I seemed to go from one little niggle to another, and sometimes those niggles became full-blown injuries. But as I had identified as a runner for so long, it wasn’t only guilt that I felt but also a loss of identity.
I’ve also been a chronic over-exerciser myself, and I think nowadays I really have found a balance so I don’t often feel guilty for exercising, not exercising or doing the type of exercise that nobody else seems to like. But it was a journey, I can tell you!
I don’t think my guilt is linked to procrastination, mine is more about an unhealthy preoccupation with what I “should” do rather than what I “want” to do, or what my body tells me it needs.
thankyou for this post
ive had to go cold turkey on cycling ,last year,december 5th since admitting i was engulfed by exercise obsession,180mins a day on my bike,hard regardless of health and weather,it ruined me,and now every day the battle of GUILT
i walk loads,i LOVE walking,i loathed cycling,it was my punishment,good to hear others have tackled this,and conquered it….still having health issues from damage done over the years but im never going back down that route
thanks for the post, when i hit 40 EVERYTHING went soft and saggy, i couldnt believe the change and me being childless too! slowly getting the balance right thru low carb lifestyle plus walking, trampolining and 2 hours per week gym, you gotta earn it 40 plus 🙂
This: “But as I had identified as a runner for so long, it wasn’t only guilt that I felt but also a loss of identity.” is SUCH an important point and I’m so glad you brought it up. I felt the same way when I had to give up some of my activities – plus I felt like I’d lost my social circle/friends on top of it all. Exercise fills so many roles in our lives and the more entertwined it becomes the more the opportunity for overuse occurs I think. (Also, I love it when my readers help each other out! Thanks for putting your story out there and comforting/inspiring others Tora!!!)
“If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it” right? You have the right to be guilt-free as you’ve settled into what works well for you, your family, your writing, and your life and it sure seems like a pretty good balance!
I periodically get pressure to jump from sprint/olympic distance triathlons to Ironman…to “prove” myself I guess. I don’t give in, I refuse to cave, I have nothing to “prove”. Yes, I *could* do an Ironman, but for me the cost to my family is no-brainer not worth it! Yes you *could* race but the toll on your body and mind is not worth it. People who put that pressure on us are dealing with their own need to prove something to themselves, their own inadequacies.
Our athletic “worthiness” is not defined by competition either. Long-term consistency is what shows we are an athlete and your comment about “loving it” demonstrates that fitness is a lifestyle for you. I love it!!
I love everything about this comment! Love your attitude: “I have nothing to “prove”. Yes, I *could* do an Ironman, but for me the cost to my family is no-brainer not worth it! ” And I love how you summed it up as well. It’s so true, I’m in this game for the long haul and that means taking care of my body now!
I love this post!!! Ok my mum always says guilt and worry are unstructured problem solving and a sign of intelligence. Even if it is bs it makes me feel better! I try to do as you say turn guilt into a productive action.
I like your mum’s approach!
Exercise guilt – I can relate to a lot of the different types!! Some days I work out for 2-3 hours then feel guilty for “wasting” so much time! Rest days I feel guilty for not working out!! Sometimes reading blogs (especially running blogs) makes me feel guilty or like I’m not a true runner because I don’t race much anymore! Talking about working out or running to other people, I often end up feeling guilty because they think I’m trying to compare the amount or running or working out we do (I’m not!!).
Guilt!! Not always sure how to overcome it – some days are better than others!!
At least you’re in good company;)
This made me wanna cry…until it made me laugh. Oh this is so me! I have so much workout guilt still! I get really hardcore about CrossFit one week and workout a ton and then I feel guilty about not getting things done at home and having enough time to relax, but then the next week I have better balance and feel guilty for not improving faster at CrossFit. In addition to a selection of the guilt flaors listed above. But I DO appreciate the reminders that 1. I am the expert of me. 2. Feeling bad is totally useless. This week I am gonna try to channel the guilt towards something productive! (Or better yet try to avoid some guilt altogether.)
Good luck! And I love your CrossFit-flavored guilt, lol!
My workout guilt tends more along the lines of guilt that I’m “ruining” all my hard work in the gym by eating junk food. It’s a little nuts. I’m working on it. But I also definitely get the guilt about not working out as hard as other people and not being able to follow some of the food/work out recommendations that are supported by good science. Some of them just don’t fit in my life! Makes me anxious just writing about it now.
(Also, I actually have Anne Shirley hair and while I finally love it after many, many years of hate it’s super expensive to maintain and takes me a minimum of half an hour to style in the morning!)
SO TRUE, Charlotte! I always feel huge amounts of guilt when other people talk about their running successes. I feel awful that I’m NOT running.
And I also feel guilty when I do more exercise than other people – like the other day at work, when we all started wearing pedometers around the office, and I was lamenting having only walked 5,000 steps by noon. It wasn’t until after I’d voiced it that I realized it probably wasn’t the best thing I could’ve said.
I get over exercise guilt by honestly having to walk myself through it just about every time, to remind myself of all the reasons why I SHOULDN’T feel guilty and should just relax a little 🙂
It seems for every study that comes out that says marathon is bad for you another one comes out and says it’s really not. So conflicting. I’m probably going to keep running them, not because I necessarily like them (I love anything from a half marathon down best) but because I feel the need to conquer it, and until I do I keep going back. (Yes, I realize the stupidity of that thinking.)
And people think the Catholic Guilt is bad, honestly nothing is worse than workout guilt. But I personally need that motivation!
Ha, ha! I love your comment about how we want exercise to give us the perfect…everything! So true. I definitely get guilty about exercise at times too. I find that’s usually the best moment for me to mix it up–spend the week walking with my daughter, dancing to the music in the living room, or something else out-of-the-box. Helps me remember it’s fun as much as anything. Thanks for resonating though. 🙂
Ah, workout guilt. The “you don’t spend enough time with me”. The “why do I train like that person and look like this”. I am impervious to it a lot, just the way I’m built is being guilt resistant (true story – my husband has to tell me when my parents are trying to guilt trip me), but when it hits it’s not fun.
Oh, also – I had a bout of heel pain and apparently after 5 years of running I now pronate and needed new shoes that stabilize. It’s getting better now – last week was a great week until I was on my feet NOT in those shoes for 5 hours volunteering and ran 2 days in a row (and now it’s just reminding me it’s still there, not really hurting or anything).
So long story short, you might get to a local running store that has you get on a treadmill to analyze how you run before they try to sell you shoes.
Ah, so many fun variations of ways to make ourselves miserable!
I am finally, after many decades of wasted angst, turning around the guilt thing. Not that I never experience it, but mostly if I start to get a twinge I can remind myself that life is about compromise and balance, and that there is no way in hell I can be “perfect” about every aspect of my life.
But sheesh, it’s taken a lot of effort and practice to rewire those old screwed up perfectionist brain circuits. Totally worth the trouble though, as I don’t miss all that guilt at all.
Good luck to all of you on banishing what is pretty much a pain in the ass useless emotion! In my experience, the people who experience the most guilt tend to be the most conscientious, not the least. The ones who “should” be feeling it rarely do!
Such a great post! As usual.
As an Irish Jew, believe me, I KNOW Guilt! 🙂 I can even feel guilty for…feeling guilty. What can I say, it’s an art.
This morning I was feeling marginally guilty for not going to yoga. Even though I went yesterday and (hello!) I’m subbing a Pilates class tonight. Ergh.
I also look at other women and wonder How They Do It: How does she have a six-pack AND 3 month-old triplets? How does she work on stage/in film so much when she has 2 kids? I have to remind myself that our circumstances, as well as our genes, are all different. The simple fact is, raising two kids who have special needs, and doing so, for the better part of 10 years, without much outside help (in terms of nannies, babysitters, etc.), is REALLY hard, and has taken up most of my time.
So while it’s true that I haven’t been on stage in 10 years and have a flabby belly, I also have two autistic kids who are doing well.Which makes it all totally worth it.
Although I still want a flat stomach…
I love that e-card.
I have been known to do the guilt thing but I’m trying very hard to let it go.
I SOO wanted Anne Shirley hair. My hair is pretty, but it’s not red. My nephew has lucked out and gotten the shy family red genes – his hair is like fire; red gold. And torch-blue eyes.
As for guilt, of course: I’m a sort-of-lapsed Catholic. Exercise guilt (plus crazy stubbornness) is how I tore my ACL last year. So I’m trying for moderation now.
A while ago I came to the conclusion that every single thing anyone does is either setting a terribly unhealthy awful example (BAD!) or else flaunting ones healthy privilege and making everyone else feel awful (BAD!) So since you can’t please everyone you might as well please someone and that someone might as well be you.
Also, you think you need to get abs? Girl, you totally have abs. Whatever lies between them and the outside world, you can find them from the inside and use them to do stuff. Aren’t we all past the age of object-permanence here? You needn’t see a muscle to know it’s there!
I don’t really get exercise “guilt” but I do think it is normal to compare yourself to others and wonder if you are acting the best way. I don’t let it get to me very much, because working out *perfectly* is not my top priority. It isn’t even in my top 5 priorities, and I’m very glad that is true. Aside from the fact that perfection does not exist, I’d much rather focus that energy into being the best wife, scientist and friend that I can be while being pretty healthy.
I’m not sure if this directly applies here, but this post made me think of one of the best things I’ve ever read on the internet about the difference between guilt and shame (http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2013/1/14/shame-v-guilt.html). She’s specifically mentions how a parent speaks to their children, but I think it really applies to how you think about yourself too. Maybe you can change the commentary in your mind from arguing with alternative identities for yourself (runner girl, overexerciser, etc) to making the discussion about your actions, and not about your value as a human being. Anyway, maybe I’m way off base here, but thought I’d send you the link just on the off chance you find it helpful.
I just recently went through a very similar thing with a friend that you did with the marathon friend. Only in my case, I actually approached her about it, since she’s been my BFF since we were 12 and saw me through my anorexia and many subsequent eating and overexercising issues since. I just told her that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with her Facebook because she was posting 8-16 mile runs EVERY SINGLE DAY, and it was triggering for me. She refused to speak to me for months, and only now are we kind of starting to talk again. I ended up feeling endlessly guilty that I a) can’t exercise like that anymore, and b) made someone feel bad because of my crazy. Anyway, my point being that I don’t have any solutions, but I do have some of the same issues!
I am Jewish – I have guilt! 😉 I am past the part about my exercise ritual & the way I eat.. I don’t feel guilty about that anymore & than god most of my family/friends are used to it… I do still have guilt about others things like not living up to others expectations for certain things.. I am a work in progress & I just try to do my best but this is till tough in some areas of my life…
Yes! Yes! Yes! Your blog is soooo “right on” thanks for another wonderful discussion.
Maybe it’s because I’m a relatively new mom, I have a toddler, that I feel guilty leaving her to go exercise. What the heck? I know I feel better and am probably a better mom when I exercise but I can’t justify it more than 3 times a week.
Any other moms – please tell me will I get over this?
Oh the guilt … I can’t even go there. I’d feel bad about it 😉
But about your feet…. *unsolicited advise – yay!
I never ran cuz I hurt – every step agony. I had compartment syndrome, heel pain joint pain you name it. Then I read “Born to Run” and I figured – eh what the h*ll I’ll try it out… it can’t be any worse than I’m doing now. So after some trial and error I figured out how to run with no pain. I don’t run barefoot – but I’ve found minimalist shoes that work for me, and I used the principles of barefoot running to adjust my stride to run without pain. I did my first half-hour of solid running last summer. No pain 🙂 & it was awesome!
I have to say, the people who love intense exercise drive me nuts entirely because I wish I were one of them. I’m like a dog who won’t take its pill until you wrap it in bacon: I only like exercise when it’s disguised as something else and preferably slathered in lots of distraction. TV on the treadmill doesn’t cut it for me; it can’t even look like exercise. Hiking is one of them — hey, I’m not exercising, I’m actually going somewhere! I have to get to point B, and this mountain happens to be in the way!
But this really sucks for daily training or classes. At that point, I am there just to move around, get sweaty and sticky, feel really uncomfortable, and probably look like a wimp to boot. It’s…just not fun at all. I’d rather be doing something mental, like reading a good plot in a book or playing a video game with interesting characters or writing a story or something. I can be comfortable and satisfied that way.
Good for the folks who love step class or whatever…but I really don’t like it. Luckily, weight training has the element of “oh man, this will help me show off silly things at parties like giving my 6’0″ 200-pound male friends piggyback rides.” (I’m 5’4″.) So that’s there.
Love the breakdown of the diff guilts! I definitely get exercise guilt it’d usually be because of these reasons: (a) not exercising because something came up, (b) exercising yet not looking like I work my butt off- which I do, (c) not exercising as much as someone else
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