[UPDATE: I got Cassie’s gluten-free sugar-free chocolate cupcake recipe and I’ve added it at the end of this post. Just don’t ask me to cook them for you! You’re welcome!]
There was a big shindig Sunday night. The Superbowl? You might have heard of it. Don’t ask me who was playing because I still can’t tell you despite being in the same room as a TV for 90% of the game. I was just excited because we got invited to a friend’s house for a party and the invite specifically said “Bring a HEALTHY treat to share!” Finally! Permission to break out all my weird food! Of course this called for something really great. So did I use one of my tried-and-true secret-weapon recipes like my roasted red pepper hummus or sugar-free meringue cookies? Of course not! I did exactly what you’re not supposed to do and went with a random, untried recipe off the Internet for which the only comments were from people who had never tried it (a fact I didn’t discover until halfway through my disaster). But I’m getting ahead of myself.
It all started here: With a desire to make my own coconut milk and flour. Since discovering I’m severely lactose intolerant I’ve tried all the milk substitutes. The only ones I remotely enjoy are almond milk and coconut milk and after reading up on them I decided coconut milk has a better nutritional profile. (Note: this is not the same as coconut water, the stuff in the middle of the coconut that makes an excellent sports drink replacement, nor is it the same as the stuff in a can in the Thai food section that you always think you should buy something from but never do.) Unfortunately coconut milk is expensive. And the Internet is free!
Making your own coconut milk is shockingly easy. Put 2 cups of unsweetened, shredded coconut flakes in a blender and pour 8 cups of boiling water over the top. Let it sit for five minutes. Blend it until it’s all creamy and smooth. Then line a colander with a clean dishtowel or cheesecloth and pour it in:
Squeeze out all the liquid into a bowl and then pour into Mason jars and refrigerate! (I got about a quart and a half, or 6 cups, of milk.) Ta-da! Look ma! I milked a coconut with my bare hands!
You’re left with an interesting by-product, however. All the smooshy stuff left in the towel is coconut pulp. And if you spread it on a cookie sheet, bake it for 30-40 minutes at 180 degrees then you end up with coconut flour (also super pricey at the store!). (I got about 2.5 cups of flour.) It’s like your very own BOGO! So far it’s all unicorns in (rainbow) unitards but this is where things went very, very, wrong.
Since I had all this magical coconut flour I decided to make grain-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free cupcakes! They would obviously be the raddest thing at the party because who wouldn’t be able to eat those magical nothings?? I googled the above phrase and found a recipe. (Which I’m not even going to bother linking to because it was so, so awful.) After following the directions exactly I ended up with this “batter”. You can’t really tell from this pic (other than by my best worried face) but it’s the consistency of water. That usually does not bode well for baked goods! But, ever the optimist, I forged ahead and filled up a bunch of mini cupcake tins.
After popping them in a 350-degree oven, I went looking to see what happened to all my helpers. First I found Jelly Bean, the Nap Resistor, passed out on the couch. I love how little kids can sleep in the craziest positions!!
The rest of the kids ended up here with dad. I would like to point out for the record that this is my husband’s desk. My workspace is pristine (for all you know).
Then the timer dinged and I excitedly pulled out my cupcakes. They looked like soup. So I stuck them back in. I could actually see them boiling through the glass door. 60 minutes of cooking later, I finally pulled them out:
Okay! So! I got… little tiny bundt cakes! Even cuter! But when I coaxed one out of the pan it looked like this:
It’s a Mullet Muffin! Party in the front and… hangover in the back! They basically were little soggy quiche-cakes (thanks to the 6!!! eggs) with coconut effluvia. But then things got worse: my friend texted me to find out why we weren’t at the party yet. It turns out she’d told us the wrong time and we were an hour and a half late. I hate being late like I hate back hair. But don’t worry, I told my husband through a clenched smile, I can still save these! They may look gross but that’s nothing a little cream cheese sugar-free frosting can’t fix!
I put the cupcakes in time out, outside in the -13 degree weather, and told them very seriously to think about what they’d done. When you can play nice, you can come back in. (In case you’re curious, this is what post-partum belly buttons look like. You’re welcome!)
While they were cooling off, I went to whip up a batch of my famous frosting. But, because the universe hates me (or because I shouldn’t be feteing a secular event on the Sabbath), it curdled:
CURDLED. Who doesn’t love frosting you can chew? It tasted as horrible as it looks:
Bereft of healthy snacks and now super late, I finally did what I should have done four hours earlier and pulled the bag of frozen ginger snap cookie dough balls out of the freezer.
Frozen cookies take an inordinately long amount of time to cook so I passed the time by violently stabbing to death the cupcakes.
Stick anything on a rainbow plate and it automatically looks awesome – even turd cookies.
We finally made it to the party and got caught up on all the commercials we’d missed (probably the only time in the history of DVR that it’s been used to skip the show and watch the ads). This happened:
Don’t worry. It’s root.
But then I wandered over to the dessert table only to discover these beautiful creations:
“What are they?” I asked my hostess friend Cassie. “Oh I just whipped up some grain-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free cupcakes. You know, in case anyone wanted a little something besides fruit for dessert.” My son walked up and popped one in his mouth. “These taste just like Ho-Hos! These are amazing!!” he yelled. “How did you make these?!” I just walked away and found a corner to bang my head against and weep silently into my coconut-flour stained sweatshirt.
But hey, at least the… Whoevers won! In the end, we all had a great time and there was plenty of delish food even with our meager contribution. Truly the best part of the whole night – besides my friend Anna’s pretzel rolls – was getting our Just Dance 4 on during half time and Rick Rolling the heck out of our kids.
And as soon as I got home, I did this:
I don’t want to brag or anything but this is probably my best culinary disaster to date! And I’m kind of known for sucking it up in the kitchen!
So – who wants to make me feel better?? What’s your worst cooking disaster story? (Surely you have one? If you don’t, just pretend. For my sake.) Anyone have a decent “healthy” cupcake recipe for me? Anyone else going to try making their own coconut milk or flour? (That part was fool-proof!)
Cassie’s Chocolate Gluten-Free Cupcake Recipe
1 3/4 c oats
3 egg whites
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt (or regular plain low fat yogurt)
1/2 tsp cream of tartar (or 1-1/2 Tbsp. vinegar)
1-1/2 tsp. baking powder
1-1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup hot water
1/4 C. Agave + 2 Tbls Xylitol (if you don’t have xylitol just use the agave)
1/2 cup Dark chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 2 (12-cup) muffin pans with foil cupcake liners, or spray muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray. Set aside.
In a blender, (or food processor), mix all of the ingredients together, except for the chocolate chips. Blend until oats are ground and mixture is smooth.
Place mixture in a bowl and gently stir in 1/2 of the chocolate chips (set the rest aside). Scoop mixture into prepared muffin pans.
Place muffins tins in the oven for 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, remove muffins from the oven (but don’t shut oven off), and distribute the other half of the chocolate chips on top of each muffin.
Place the muffins back into the oven and bake for an additional 2-5 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Cool muffins before removing from pan. ENJOY!!!
Awww, I laughed, I cried (and not just because I am on hour 17 or something at work). I really don’t do baked goods, but if I did, I’d probably have some spectacular fails. I love cooking because it’s an art. Baking is a science, which I’m not so good at.
My go to for healthy contributions nowadays is just a costco veggie tray. The dip is really good and it’s worth the silly amount of money not to have to deal with it. 🙂
I love me some Costco produce! Sometimes lacking in quality but you can’t beat the quantity!!
I tried making egg muffins the other day – I’ve heard they are a good low carb breakfast, and something you can take on the run to work so it sounded good. However it turned out that I spent 45 minutes making rather dry mini omelettes. I could have made a big fluffy normal omelette in 15. So I’m not sure that’s an experiment worth trying again.
Good to know! I’ve seen recipes for those floating around and yeah, they do seem like they’re more effort than they’re worth…
I’ve baked with coconut flour a lot, and I am actually going to guess that because you made homemade coconut flour, it didn’t absorb all of the liquid. Store-bought coconut flour will absorb a TON of liquid, and it’s very difficult to end up with a thin batter, so I think the homemade flour is the culprit. However, I am SUPER stoked that you shared this information! I had no idea I could make flour from the leftover pulp. Woo!
I can’t think of any hilarious disaster, but I will say that i have had WAY more blog recipe disasters than cookbooks. The latter is tested by multiple testers in multiple kitchens…multiple times. Though the really great bloggers test things a bunch before they post it, many bloggers make something once in their kitchen and share it. And they often don’t measure properly. I love blogs, but using their recipes can indeed be risky!
Ooh good to know! So you think I should have baked the coconut flour longer?
That might have helped, but I’m not sure! I probably would have tried reducing the amount of liquid in the recipe, I think.
Possibly used a dehydrator instead of the oven? I too would suspect the homemade coconut flour…
I bake with coconut flour all the time and it’s great. Here is a recipe for AMAZING pancakes
http://www.nourishingdays.com/2011/11/grain-free-and-dairy-free-fluffy-coconut-flour-pancakes-revisited/
and the best coconut flour muffins- they are like cupcakes!- are in the Practical Paleo cookbook.
So. MY question is, where did you get the unsweetened coconut that made turning it into milk and flour economical? My HFS has it, but you have to ransom your first born (sometimes tempting in and of itself…) to get a SMALL bag. Maybe a cup. I sometimes make my own almond milk, but would like to try coconut milk. I like to use coffee filters (the fancy unbleached ones) instead of a towel, but you can nearly guarantee running into the Bishop or RS Pres while you have them in your hand…….
My local grocery store (not even a specialty store!) carries it in the bulk bins for 0.89 cents a pound. I didn’t realize it was so pricey elsewhere! Maybe there are perks to living in Minnesota:)
HA! Even my local HFS doesn’t have bulk bins. It’s EXPENSIVE to eat well in my little city. (which explains the chickens/garden/meat rabbits…)
So does your homemade coconut milk actually taste like coconut? I’ve bought the coconut milk beverages and I found it doesn’t taste like anything. Since I like coconut, I’d like a bit of the coconut flavor.
We do buy the canned coconut milk – love that stuff! We use it in Thai curries, soups, and I’ve made a coconut milk rice pudding a few times.
I have tried a couple of gluten free bread recipes and they ended up in the garbage. I think gluten free baking is not easy.
It does have a slight coconut flavor – not much though. I too love the taste of coconut!! My fave part about the canned stuff is licking off all the cream that sticks to the lid;)
I do that too! Husband thinks it’s strange; glad to know I’m not the only one. 🙂
My son has been experimenting more with the coconut flour than I have – he’s 13, and science-minded, and sees the kitchen as a giant science lab, just ripe for all of his creative experiments! (I have to admit that his grain-free stove-top pizza crust is really good!)
But what I really want to know is – are you at least going to share your friends’ successful cupcake recipe??? Major disappointment here for not getting that recipe at the end of the post!
Haha – I just texted her asking for it! She said as soon as she gets her kids off to school she’ll e-mail it to me. As soon as I get it I’ll update this post with it! Sorry for the oversight – you can see where my mind was;)
Where was this post two days ago?!?! I usually buy almond milk, but seriously two days ago, I bought 3 shelf-stable containers of coconut milk (So Delicious….it was on sale for $1.75!!) AND a bag of coconut flour! So I’m set for a few months, but I’m trying the homemade version next.
I’m on the fence about coconut flour in baked goods. It is good in small doses, I’ve found, but I haven’t been impressed with any recipes that use it as the only flour. That said, I’m planning on making coconut flour tortillas later this week, so I’ll let you know how they turn out.
What is this mythical chocolate cupcake recipe your friend used?!?! I must try it!
Sorry! I’m still trying to get it from her! And good to know about coconut flour – I had no idea it was so finicky!! Keep me posted on the tortillas.
“unicorns in (rainbow) unitards”…I’d like some of those. Send them my way please 🙂
With my sis in law being celiac and dairy intolerant I’ve found a nice gluten free dairy free recipe for muffins that you can jury rig up and add various fruits or nuts to. I’ve just started going to bulk barn to buy the cheap components to make gluten free flour for baking and worked out a good recipe with the flour…through trial and error I’ve found I can just replace gf flour 7/8c per regular cup of flour from a standard recipe and double the baking powder and usually you can get decent muffins with almond or coconut milk and margarine as long as they’re not too low fat. Anything with bananas or pumpkin in is really tasty. The only thing seems to be that you can’t overbake gluten free stuff or it’s horrible. Like brick horrible.
I’ve never been able to find coconut flour that isn’t obscenely expensive so I’ve never tried baking with it. Curious to try tho as I love coconut and I do like almond milk and coconut milk for baking.
Thanks for the tips! I’ve never really been into GF baking so this is all new to me…
Coconut flour is REALLY tough to work with. I’ve never made my own, but I bought some and tried to make bread twice. The flour sucks up SO much liquid- the first bread was perfectly cooked, stuck together, but was so dry I couldn’t eat it without choking (even with a half-pound of butter per slice!). So the second time around I tried adding a whole bunch of canned pumpkin to make it moister. When I pulled it out, it LOOKED perfect. The first piece was pretty good- sort of like banana bread in consistency, but with pumpkin. However, the next day, I noticed a smell…the bread was SO moist that the middle was completely raw. And after sitting out on the counter for a day, it had started to go off.
I have a bit of coconut flour left, but I haven’t steeled myself to try again just yet.
Yeah, this doesn’t make me want to try again either lol! I still have a cup left but now I’m kinda scared of it! Hate to waste good ingredients…
Typical baking mistake, but when my brother was about nine, he and his friend decided to bake chocolate chip cookies. 1/4 cup of sugar turned into a 1/4 cup of salt. Unbeknownst to me, their taste tester. Yum.
GAH-ross.
LOL! I’m so sorry for your pain Charlotte but that is hilarious! At least it made a good story, right? 🙂 The stabbing reminds me of the time my mom spent hours decorating a tray of cookies only to spill them on the ground. Then she stomped on them.
I’ve gotten much better now (and actually I’m a pretty good baker at this point, though I rarely do it since baked goods and me get along far too well) but I used to be infamous for my baking disasters. The one I remember best was the time I made cookies with way too much baking soda. Most bizarrely bitter things ever.
If we’re talking about cooking though, I one time made a potato dish baked in the coals of a campfire. It was so mushy and tasteless no one would touch it and we ended up throwing it away. That night a bunch of raccoons got into our garbage bag and tore everything open. They ate any food that was there except for the potatoes. The fiance loves to tell people I’ve made food so bad that raccoons wouldn’t eat it.
Oh this made me giggle!! I’m sure I’ve made stuff too that not even animals would touch…
1. I love you.
2. I love it when you food blog.
3. I always leave cabinets open, too. I also leave my drawers open at work. It drives everyone crazy.
4. Where do you find unsweetened shredded coconut?
5. I love it when you food blog. Did I say that already?
Trying to come up with a good baking disaster for you. When I was young, a recipe called for soda and I used diet coke instead of baking soda. (Who knew?) More recently, a recipe called for XXX Sugar. I couldn’t find it and didn’t know what it was, so I googled it. (Something I don’t recommend.) I think it’s a kind of powdered sugar and my recipe has a typo in it.
Whole Foods has unsweetened coconut in the bulk bins for pretty cheap (at least my local one does)
I get mine in the bulk section at Rainbow in Lakeville! They have the best bulk!! And thanks for loving me even when I screw up royally:) Seeing as you’ve had to endure some of my disasters, this speaks well for our friendship! Love you too!!
You know, you’ll have to get the recipe for the successful cupcakes from your friend 😉 I love the tip about coconut milk and flour!
If anyone lives near a Winco, they have unsweetened coconut in the bulk section.
Sorry – I’m working on it! She told me she’d get it to me this morning but then she got busy at work! I will get it though!!
Awwwww!!! I had a really sucky cooking experience a few weeks ago. I tried to do a shrimp coocnut snow pea stir fry and consecutively ruined each part of the dish until absolutely nothing could be salvaged and we threw a frozen pizza in the oven instead. I feel your pain!
As another Meghan, I’m totally naming my next run playlist the “Meghamix”. Awesome.
Aw, thanks!
That does make me feel better, actually:) Thank you! And both of you Meghans are adorable!!
Bahahahaha, this post was hilarious, and I love your baking face. And jelly bean. Aw, gosh darn, I just love all the pictures and the story.
Hmmmm..I’m quite an avid baker, and I generally just don’t even both with healthifying things, instead, I pawn them off on all my friends. BUT, I do think that the no-meat athlete’s vegan banana bread (google it..) is stellar. I’ve used maple syrup instead of stevia (mostly because I love maple), but it was plenty sweet from the bananers alone. I also added in some chocolate chips, because umm…I like chocolate. I’ve also made it with significantly more spices, because I do love cinnamon a lot. Regardless, this healthy-ish treat was a huge hit among friends. I’ve also made them into muffins, and they turn out great.
On the opposite side of the spectrum is Martha Stewart’s Pecan Squares which, while amazing, are comprised almost exclusively of sugar and butter. There is like a pound of butter in the 9×13 pan. But man, do they go like hotcakes at parties.
Thanks – both for the compliments and the tips! I’m going to google that recipe now!! (I will stay away from Martha Stewarts pecan goodies though – they sound too amazing and I love pecans!)
I have a ton of unsweetened coconut at home (because, macaroons!) and I’m definitely going to repurpose some of it to make milk and flour.
I actually have a really great grain-free, dairy-free (depending on the chocolate chips you use) chocolate chip cookie recipe. The batch makes about 10 cookies, and, if you’re wondering, it takes about 40 cookies to get a couple who have the flu and don’t feel like eating ANYthing through their sickness (that was our last week). Here’s the recipe: http://www.healthextremist.com/paleo-chocolate-chip-cookies-recipe/
I’m waiting with bated breath for the faux Ho-Ho recipe!
So cool!! I seriously think I’m going to try these tonight! Thank you! And I hope you guys are feeling better now!
My latest ‘cooking’ disaster was trying to make these Mango Orange Electrolyte Smoothies. http://www.greenplaterule.com/recipes/mango-orange-electrolyte-smoothie/ . I’m terrible about measuring things and always turn 1/3 into 3 for some reason (my favorite was using wine in a beef stroganoff type meal that actually was a win). I seriously triple check things now that say that…and most of the time still fail. Well turns out i missed the 1/8 tsp baking soda and turned it into 1 TBSP. That was the nastiest thing I’ve created….recently.
My tongue is burning in sympathy! I’ve OD’d on the baking soda too and that is NOT PLEASANT. Glad you survived, lol!
Hello there!
I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award
THank you!
Promised to bring cupcakes to a dinner party.
Forgot the leavening; ended up with pancakes.
Brought wine instead.
Guessing the wine was a bigger hit than the cupcakes anyhow!
I once accidentally baked a meatloaf for 5 hours. It was like a shrinky dink (about 1/3 the original size) only chunky and totally black.
ROFL. Any food in the context of shrinky dinks just made my whole day.
I love your kitchen Charlotte, it looks just like mine.
Except yours doesn’t have smoke and fire damage.
Your story made me LOL so hard. Mullet muffin, ha!
I liked that one too, heh!
So what was it that made you choose the coconut milk over almond milk? I love almond milk and haven’t tried coconut yet.
And since we’re all sharing baking disasters… One time I was making cornbread and accidentally added baking soda when the recipe called for baking powder. They were so bad, the ducks at the park and my dog wouldn’t even eat them.
I think if I’ve learned anything today it’s how many baking disasters baking soda is responsible for! lol. And I ended up choosing the coconut over almond mainly because of the MCFA’s (medium-chain fatty acids) and the antibiotic properties of coconut (which are preserved in the milk as long as you don’t buy a kind pastuerized at high heat) – neither of which almond has. Although I don’t mind Almond milk at all. The only ones I try really hard to stay away from are soy and rice…
By the way, I’ve made my own almond milk as well and that is also really easy if you wanted to try that….
To make no-nothing desserts I look at raw recepies: raw cheesecake, raw chocolate, I eat all foods but I love to have a healty dessert and they taste great!
Good tip! I once had a raw chocolate “cheese” cake thing that was aMAYzing
I tried to make rum balls by following a stevia recipe. I didn’t know how to melt the stevia and was too lazy to do it on the saucepan so I microwaved it…over and over again, and then it ended up burning. Oh well I can make it work I thought. So I add in the disgusting rum and mix it all around, with some cocoa powder. And test tasted it. And nearly puked. Worst thing I’ve ever tasted. And because I’m dumb and can’t help tasting things that look good, I misleadingly taste it again.
Oh help me.
And this: “Oh well I can make it work I thought. So I add in the disgusting rum and mix it all around, with some cocoa powder.” is EXACTLY what I would do too! I love you Bek.
AMAZING!!!!!!! Will you make all that for me! 🙂 Are those turd cookies ginger molasses – they look delish to me!!! 🙂
Oh yes, a cooking disaster! I was a long time vegetarian and wanted to impress my husband (we were newly married) and a friend who had just arrived from Cuba. I decided to make hamburgers on the grill. Having never cooked or eaten a hamburger, I figured it couldn’t be too hard, right? I thought all I had to do was make little hamburger meat balls and they’d flatten out on the grill, just like when you bake cookies. Yes, I seriously thought that. Long story short, they didn’t flatten out like cookies. They stayed round little balls that were charred on the outside and raw on the inside. I now leave the grilling up to my husband.
There are some great cooking disasters in the comments but yours, hands down, wins in my book. I laughed so so hard. Made my night, Wendy:)
I think the trick to baking with coconut flour is to eyeball it. Add your liquid to the dry mixture a bit at a time until it seems to have reached the right consistency. That’s how I make coconut flour pancakes. As another reader mentioned, it was possibly using homemade flour that was the problem, and it didn’t soak up as much liquid.
I’ve had my own share of baking disasters. Usually things turn out pretty well and I’m sort of known in the family for making great birthday cakes (which I tend to put down to choosing really delicious recipes rather than any specific skill) but let’s face it. It’s BAKING. Things will eventually go tits up.
The other year I tried making a flourless cake for my sister as she tries to avoid wheat. I went for a yummy sounding Nigella recipe (http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/flourless-chocolate-lime-cake-with-margerita-cream-5146). Near the beginning it tells you to “Beat the eggs and sugar together until about tripled in volume, pale and moussy”… Sounds easy peasy, no? Got the electric whisk out and got going. 5 mins later…. watery. 10 mins later.. still watery. Half an hour later and sore arm muscles… Ok this hasn’t worked. Chuck the batch and start over. The SAME damn thing happens again. By this point I was in tears and had used up a dozen eggs and run out of ingredients so I decided to just go with it and chuck it in the oven. The sodding cake turned out FINE! I could have saved myself that wasted hour and skipped that whole section! And I never did work out why it failed to go ‘pale and moussy’. Anyway it was delicious so I’d recommend the recipe but you may have to add half a cup of tears to the ingredients list if you try and go for frothy eggs.
Oh this killed me! I love this story SO HARD. Especially the recommendation to add half a cup of tears;) I’m so glad it worked out in the end. And this: ” but let’s face it. It’s BAKING. Things will eventually go tits up.” is awesome.
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I laughed so hard, Charlotte. And it made me feel better.
Ever try to cook swiss chard in a casserole, and it won’t cook?
well, apparently, you’re supposed to take the spiny things out and cook it separately.
I cooked it nearly two hours and the little spiny things were hard and the leaves were cremated. They’d also stuck to the glass casserole dish, requiring much scrubbing.
Some accidents are good, though. Like the time I left the chocolate out of the no-bake cookies and used agave nectar and oil rather than butter. they tasted sort of like Oatmeal Scotchies. It’s on my blog, somewhere. Probably in the 2010 entries.
No I’ve never tried swiss chard in a casserole but it totally sounds like something I’d do so I appreciate the warning! You totally had me giggling!! We should host a joint dinner party… or not;)
I have a whole jar of home-made coconut flour for this exact reason! I make coconut milk every few days – we have a lot of coconut “porridge” and for just the four of us it needs almost a pint of coconut milk.
Thank you for sharing your disaster, I’m glad I’m not the only one. Now to find recipes that consist of home-made coconut flour.