Now THIS is what I call scary muscles. (Don’t worry, it’s only a tattoo)
It was a bevy of blonds recently when dark blond Ryan Seacrest sat down with platinum blond Ellen Degeneres (married to honey blond Portia di Rossi) to talk about… something… and the conversation turned to his golden blond girlfriend, Julianne Hough. Specifically how he’s “afraid” of her because she’s so strong and tough. At least that’s how it got reported. What he actually said was, “‘She’s such an athlete. I’m afraid sometimes to do stuff with her because I know I’m going to get injured.” So I don’t think he’s really scared of her and her lady muscles but more scared for himself and his 13-years-older-than-hers muscles. But nevertheless, it’s sparked some interesting discussion about how women with muscles are “scary.”
I’ve been called scary before, by a man. Several years ago, in the middle of a workout, one of the personal trainers commented loudly to another trainer, “Those girls scare me!” Those girls meaning Gym Buddy Allison and I.
My first reaction was disbelief. “Us? Scary??” We’re about as scary as the Hamburgler. (Seriously, Ronald McDonald is scary. But if I met the Hamburgler in a dark alley? You know it’d start with “gimme your wallet” and end with fist bumps and “just messin’ with you, man!”)
My second reaction was to puff out my chest and growl, “He should be scared, by golly! We could kick his butt!” And then I realized that anyone who says “by golly” – even in their imagination – is inherently not scary. Plus, I like to talk big (and kiss my biceps when no one’s looking) but I really have no idea how to handle myself in a fight. In a showdown, I’m sure I’d be the one eating mat. Allison and I can’t even play basketball without apologizing every 2 minutes and saying, “No really, you take another shot – I had the ball last time!”
Our friend Mike had his own theory. “It’s because you guys have no fear and that’s what personal trainers usually do, is help people overcome their fears. He knows you don’t need him.” He added, “Take it as a compliment, really.” It’s true. Allison and I do not worship the personal trainers as the purveyors of all fitness knowledge. Which isn’t to say that he is stupid. I’m sure he knows many things that I do not. I’m just saying that we dare to use the “weird” equipment and try out new exercises and we’re not reliant on the personal trainers to show us how. And it’s also possible – since at the time he spoke Allison and I were doing weighted sled pulls with a sled we’d jerry-rigged out of an upside down aerobic step and a stack of weight plates tied together with jump ropes – that he was just afraid we’d drop something on our heads and sue the gym.
But while that trainer may have been the first, he certainly hasn’t been the last man to call me or one of my strong lady friends “scary.” And if I’m being completely honest, sometimes I find my own strength to be scary. All of which made me stop thinking about the names for all the various shades of blond and made me start thinking about what exactly it is that makes female strength so frightening to people. I don’t really know but I have a few guesses:
1. We intimidate them. Strength, at least for me, often manifests as confidence and this increased confidence leads me to stand up straighter, look people in the eye, be more firm about what I want and take more risks – all of which can also appear intimidating.
2. They’re afraid we won’t need them anymore. Whether it’s in the sense of the personal trainer above or simply that we’ll be opening our own pickle jars, there is a feeling that we’ve moved on from them. People of both genders like to be needed and when we stop needing them as much it can change the whole dynamic of the relationship.
3. It feels “unfeminine.” Strong women don’t conform to the narrow standards of feminine beauty – and the farther one strays the “scarier” she becomes. Perhaps this is why fitness models and bodybuilding competitors often feel that breast implants (and string bikinis and sequins and stage makeup) are a job requirement; the boobs soften the muscles and make them less scary. And this pertains to themselves as well as the menfolk. I’ve never interviewed a single female bodybuilder or fitness model – and I’ve interviewed quite a few now – who say they want to be a man or look like a man. They want to be a girl. And they want to have big muscles. All the stuff in the middle is trying to reconcile all the conflicting messages we get about the two.
4. They’re afraid they can’t control us. With strength comes power and a powerful woman can be scary to a lot of people. I’m not trying to bash men in general but rather pointing out that there are a few who relish being able to physically control another person and losing that upper hand, even a little bit, can be very scary for them.
5. Our strength highlights their weakness. Genetic freaks aside, strong muscles take a lot of self discipline, hard work and willpower to acquire. Sometimes people dislike others’ strengths because it makes them more aware of their weaknesses.
I’m not just trying to put these thoughts on other people – I have them myself too. Just this morning I was talking to a friend about how I dislike the emphasis on getting “big” over getting “strong” in certain circles. One is about looks and the other is about function and while the two can go together, they don’t always. But it was also in part because of the above reasons, #5 especially. Seeing the super ripped girls at the gym made me feel guilty for not working out harder. And because they made me feel guilty, I kinda hated them – even though I’ve talked to all of them before and I know they’re super nice, sweet people!
While I’m ‘fessing up to bad thoughts: I’ve also thought a man to be scary simply because he was massively muscular. There was one gym employee who I used to always go out of my way to avoid because I found him physically intimidating even though he’d never done anything remotely menacing. Part of that instinct is self-preservation I think – it’s sad but true that we have to think like that – but I was also happy to be proven wrong when I ended up taking a class with him and he turned out to be one of the nicest guys in the place. Even worse, as we talked more, he mentioned that he knows he scares women sometimes and so he tries extra hard to be friendly. I felt like a huge jerk.
So it definitely goes both ways.
In the end I have to say that I’m always a little sad when someone finds me scary, for whatever reason. And yet it’s not enough to make me regret my increased strength over the past few years – not even a little bit! I’d rather be scary than weak so if being strong makes me scary then bring it on.
Why do you think people are often afraid of strong or muscular women? Have you ever had anyone tell you they’re scared of you? Have you ever found someone (man or woman) scary because of their strength??
[UPDATE: For all of you who asked for Cassie’s gluten-free chocolate cupcake recipe I finally got it and added it to the bottom of yesterday’s post! Just don’t expect me to cook them for you. You’re welcome!]
I think about how relient I am on my trainer allllll the time. I mean, I do
love her, but I would never have the courage to navigate the weight room without her. Having even one gym buddy to do it with me would mean the world to me, if for no other reason then I could go in to the “man cave” at the gym with more confidence without my trainer.
Oh, I saw that Ellen interview, too. Did you see the photo oh Julianne diving off the boat? Amazing!
Sybil – I used to feel the same way! I was so intimidated by the weight room at my gym. But I go at the same time on the same days, and the same people are always there. After a while, I really felt like I belonged and now I’m not shy to ask the regulars to spot me, or to help me with my form. There is one woman who is a figure competitor who is really muscular, and I could see how she might be intimidating to men (she can lift more!) and other women. But when I asked her for help, it turns out she’s one of the nicest people, and really encouraging. Whew – long winded way to say – don’t be intimidated! 🙂
Excellent idea Cyndie! I always say the best place to meet a gym buddy is at the gym. I agree – our weight room in the morning is always the same crowd and everyone is pretty chummy now.
Yes!! She is gorgeous! And I hear you – I never even ventured into the weight area until one of my bodybuilder friends was like “You’re coming with me. Now” I was lucky to have a tour guide!
I’ve been called scary because I’m strong. It was said jokingly, but I think there was some serious intent behind it. Even in this day and age, I think, women are supposed to be rescued by men, to be dependent on their strength.
Which puts A LOT of pressure on men!
My mom has a friend who, when he’s out walking at night, whistles classical music. He knows that, as a large, muscular, African-American man, a lot if people are (sadly) afraid of him. But if he’s whistling Mozart, it tends to put them at ease.
P.S., Am I the only one who thinks that guy is gonna SERIOUSLY regret that tattoo in 30 years?
And I think there are a lot of women who want to be rescued by men. I’ll be honest: I have sometimes:) That’s sad that your friend has to do that but all the same I love that he does! What a great guy:)
I think for me it’s about being unfeminine, I don’t want to lose that femininity. My bf doesn’t particularly like the look muscular women either, not that he has a problem with it but like some people prefer blondes over redheads he prefers less muscly females.
Good point! And to a certain degree, muscle is “a look” and makes a statement.
Yeah, people at the gym often tell me I’m scary, even though they don’t really seem to mean it. They seem to think it’s expected of them, I don’t know why. Is it an internalized response to what is perceived as the cultural norm, or is it just a scene from a movie?
SUCH an interesting question! Maybe they see you doing unconventional exercises and don’t know what to say so scary is the first thing that comes to mind? I bet there are def. some cultural conditioning at work.
I know what you mean, Charlotte. I love Linda Hamilton’s physique in the Terminator movie and that is why I started lifting weights as a young teen. But my husband would much prefer a softer, more feminine look. I got into p90x a couple years ago and got pretty buff. He didn’t like me out-pushing up (is that a word?) him at all! Now I do not have time to work out all the time so muscle atrophy is pretty out of the question. I do love feeling strong and it does help with confidence. Thankfully this whole idea of being fit, muscular, and feminine is becoming more mainstream. Check out fitness videos from the 80’s, you’ll be shocked to see all the ladies are stick thin with little to no muscle definition, working out with 5 lb. dumbells. A lot has changed since then!
Yeah, I’m a huge fan of vintage fashion – particularly dresses from the 40’s, 50’s and early 60’s (I collect them!) – and I’ve found that if I have a hard time fitting into them it’s always in the shoulders/upper arm area. The look then was no musculature and I’m rocking some decent guns;)
This brings up some interesting ideas. I’m not really sure how I feel. But I do know that just last week I was looking at my arms and shoulders as I was doing bicep curls and wondering if I was getting too muscular there and if I should cut back since I’m going to be wearing a wedding dress soon. Also, my fiance likes to joke about how I scare him, though I think that too is because the last friend who worked out with me ended up throwing up halfway through.
THIS: “because the last friend who worked out with me ended up throwing up halfway through.” made me laugh so hard. Now I want to work out with you…
I think it’s a tricky. My husband likes it when I am strong and toned and have muscles, but his only comments to me were that he doesn’t want me to get all “manly”…. Since i have no idea what that means, I just asked him to let me know if I overdid it and I work away. I tend to fluctuate back and forth workout wise, as I go hard or slack off and I admit I I don’t like the overly sinewy look that women get when they are supertrained and really thin, so I don’t think it should be an issue for me. I admit I would love arms like Linda Hamilton in T2, but I need to be real with myself and just try my best to be strong and fit. I love being strong and being able to lift and carry things. My main issue with getting my muscular arms and shoulders is women’s clothing is NOT cut for them very often.
I love the functionality aspect too! But you make a good point about women’s clothing not being cut for muscular arms/shoulder – I have that problem A LOT.
i think its a huge compliment! i work Hard for those muscles and any guy that is put off by it is (in my opinion) insecure….i am so proud of what i can lift and if you think i’m scary, that’s your issue not mine…i make no apologies for getting buff.
if anything the women i am around say they Wish they had arms like mine
Love this! And I love your confidence – I imagine that women around you wish they had that too!
Charlotte – as you’ve said before…I wish people would stop focusing SOOO much on how wmoen (or men) look, and worry more about what they can DO. I have been so much mhappier with my body since starting CrossFit, because it allowed me to appreciate how much I can lift and how many pullups I can do rather than just how do I look when swimsuit season rolls around. My husband loves how I look and encourages me to be the best I can be.
A very good comment. I don’t want to LOOK strong as much as I want to BE strong – inside and out.
Love both of these sentiments! I’ve never been into muscle for the sake of muscle. But muscle for strength, function and overall health? Yes, please!
Love this article, Charlotte! My roommate and I in college were constantly reading Oxygen magazine and wanted to compete in a fitness/figure show (though we never did), so I think that she and I went against the “norm.” I hear a lot of people say that women shouldn’t be so muscular that they look like men, but considering that none of the strong women I know are taking testosterone, I think it’d be pretty hard to look like a man! It’s seems like we can’t win – if we don’t look like we work out, we’re slobs, but if we look like we work out too much, we’re gross, scary, and manly. Why can’t we just be the best version of ourselves!?!? My workout buddy said the other night that if people didn’t like the way she looks, they could look at something else.
And, by golly (tee hee), if I intimidate people at my oh-so-impressive height of five foot nothing, we might have a real problem on our hands. I’m about as terrifying as a baby bunny.
YES to this; ” It’s seems like we can’t win – if we don’t look like we work out, we’re slobs, but if we look like we work out too much, we’re gross, scary, and manly. Why can’t we just be the best version of ourselves!?!?” I totally agree.
When I had an online dating profile that had a picture of me flexing on it, I got a lot–A LOT–of mail from guys “joking” about how I could probably kick their butts. Um, no, I’m a 5’2, <120 lb non-violent woman. I'm pretty sure I couldn't and wouldn't kick anyone's butt. I can, however, help you move a couch. You'd think that would be a plus.
This totally made me laugh! Amen, sister. And couch-moving is a def. plus in my book!
Yup, I’ve been told I’m scary lol. Apparently, it’s because my resting face is similar to Jeremy Renner’s resting face – kind of intense. People have translated that into “she’ll kill me!” Which is not true. Especially if there is a pet or small child around…times a million if it’s a puppy or a kitten.
All of this made me laugh so hard. But this: “because my resting face is similar to Jeremy Renner’s resting face – kind of intense. ” Is gold.
I’ve been called scary many times. Jokingly or not. And I haven’t even been lifting very long – mostly it was due to boxing and kickboxing, and my love for fighting. I’m proud of it. I’m strong and I know how to fight. I’ve been controlled and abused. I hope my strength and capability intimidates men so I don’t HAVE to fight, but if I ever do, I will be ready for it.
I love this: “I hope my strength and capability intimidates men so I don’t HAVE to fight, but if I ever do, I will be ready for it.” I can feel your confidence in your whole comment and it’s awesome!!
I’ve been called scary and intimidating before. I’ve also been told that I’m “guy-sized”. Whatever that means?! I’m 5’11” without shoes on and have a broad shouldered athletic build… So apparently size-wise, I’m “scary”.
Guy sized?? How can a woman be guy sized? That makes no sense. And I bet you rock every inch of that height!
Maybe the thing I love most about lifting (heavy) is that it makes me feel strong – which after a few difficult years has been very important.
Right now my muscles are mostly covered by a layer of fat – but I am going ot change that this year. Luckily my husband encourages me to push myself and I know he does and will love my no matter the size of my biceps.
I do think it’s a shame that some men tell their partners not to overdo it – and maybe there is this element of not wanting them too be too strong or stronger then them. But at the end of the day strenght isn’t just about how much you can lift but about your inner strenght – even if I do believe that it reflects on how you work out.
This made me grin: “But at the end of the day strenght isn’t just about how much you can lift but about your inner strenght – even if I do believe that it reflects on how you work out.” Yes, ma’am!!
People definitely raise lots of brows when I pick up something big and just kind of carry it on my shoulder, or when I give my 200-pound male friends piggyback rides for kicks and giggles. I guess I do have my paternal genetics of “short but broad-shouldered and powerful-looking”…and my kind of loud and raucous personality doesn’t hurt either. 😉
And Jitsu. Jitsu helps. I’m guessing I’m one of those jokingly-scary people. It’s fun!
And now I want to see a pic of these piggy backs!! Long live the big personalities;))
Pingback:Link Love 9/2 |
Pingback:Amazing Recipes, Hilarious Cooking Horror Stories and So Many Many Wedgies [The Best of YOU this week]
Pingback:Amazing Recipes, Hilarious Cooking Horror Stories and So Many Many Wedgies [The Best of YOU this week] | Elite Daily Diet and Fitness
Good artical! Im a powerlifter and a few years ago my girlfreind got into it..now I look at woman as human beings if you were not meant to be strong you wouldnt have muscle! Anyway my girlfreind took up powerlifting..and in a few years she got crazy strong..she can squat 350.press 200 over her head etc etc.the funny part is 4 years ago she couldnt lift an 8 pound dumbell.she and I do the same program and in she can actually deadlift more then I can..the thing is shes very closed off about it she works out in private..she says she just likes being healthy and leaves it at that.shes a very shy person.ive been surfing the web to maybe see if one of you ladys can answer something for me..see as I said I dont care how strong she is or that she has muscles..but I think what she can do is exeptional! So if any of you happen to read this my question is..should I engaged her about what she can do? Or just leave her alone about it? We usualy share everything but she is very quiet about this (she used to be severly overweight) im pretty fanatical about my workout..hell id even like her to join me..so any suggestions on how or if I should approach her about it?