#safetytipsforladies: just dora the explorer your attacker. “rapist! no raping!” works every time.
— Lucille Baller (@davalyns) March 27, 2013
This is even funnier if you have seen Dora the Explorer (Exploradora!) like I have. Every day. For a year.
Send this to every girl you want to stay alive. The letter’s wording was ominous and might have been straight out of a horror movie – if it hadn’t followed a single densely typed page entitled “Through a Rapist’s Eyes*” that purported to tell women the secrets of how to protect themselves from someone who was heck-bent on violating them. When I was 12, reading every line felt like a revelation and so I dutifully copied and mailed on the letter to every girl I wanted to live…until I ran out of stamps. (Apparently only seven girls got to live. I’m sorry tween friends. I was such a cheapskate.) So imagine my surprise when the letter came back ’round to me a few days ago via a private message from a friend who’d seen it posted on someone else’s wall. Facebook: the 21st century chain letter. My friend had forwarded it to me because he thought it was something I might like and also he was looking for ideas of how to talk about the subject with his teenage daughter.
It turns out I did not like them. Not at all.
I’d reprint the whole list for you but I know you’ve already all seen it in some form or another. Stuff like “Don’t be distracted on your phone”, “Don’t take the stairs, always take the elevator”, “Yell ‘fire’ instead of ‘rape’ to get people’s attention” and “Don’t wander around alone in a dark, foggy forest at night in high heels and a ridiculously over-accessorized couture dress” (Okay that last one I learned from Pretty Little Liars but seriously those girls are the slowest learners ever – nothing good ever happens in the mist! And you cannot run in 6-inch Louboutins! DUH.) And while some tips were weird – “Don’t wear clothing that’s easy to remove” (Spanx is a rape prevention tool?!) – The advice wasn’t bad, per se, but rather lacking something. Something important… like the fact that nearly 3/4 of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone known to the victim.
The entire list (and all the ones like it) is geared toward preventing the very scary yet very rare occurrence of a stranger rape, abduction and/or murder. Throw in a measure of victim blaming (“Don’t wear short skirts, high heels or pony tails”) and I was torqued. I replied to my friend (since he asked for my advice and all) that if he chose to use the list to scare the crap out of his kid then he also needed to give equal time to talking about the more nuanced parts of dating and relationships. I wish we’d stop talking so much about pepper spray and parking garages and start talking more about what an abusive relationship looks like, what emotional abuse is (and that it can lead to physical abuse) and how a girl’s choices early on can make a huge impact in what happens later. But those tips aren’t nearly as pithy or exciting as telling a girl ” If a predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!” [scream-y caps all theirs]
Apparently I’m not alone in my disdain. A recent Twitter meme #safetytipsforladies takes these tips and turns them on their heads, exposing their ridiculous cores and also ending up pretty darn hilarious.
Good girls are invisible to rapists.Join a charity organisation and learn how to make woodland creatures love you. #safetytipsforladies
— Kara Dennison (@RubyCosmos) March 25, 2013
or
If you hide your forearms in your sleeves, the rapist will mistake you for a T-Rex and carry on his way #safetytipsforladies — Hilary Bowman-Smart (@hilaryjfb) March 20, 2013
or
Unconsciousness is alluring to rapists. Have you considered being perpetually awake? Approach Red Bull for sponsorship #safetytipsforladies
— Lady Parts(@allthepie) March 20, 2013
or
Only hang out with losers with no skills so you don’t wreck someone’s bright future if they accidentally rape you. #safetytipsforladies — Kara Dennison (@RubyCosmos) March 25, 2013
There are so many more great ones where those came from but this whole conversation got me thinking about what “protecting myself” means to me. If I eschew most of the popular tips – you know that carrying your keys sticking out between your fingers isn’t effective, right? – then what do I do instead?
My recent foray into Krav Maga has given me some rather uncomfortable answers: 1) I don’t want to have to protect myself. I just don’t. It isn’t fun for me. 2) I kind of expect the men in my life to protect me. I know. I cringed too. But one thing I’ve discovered with Krav is that while I’m getting better at self-defense, I’m still really bad at it. (Although if it were possible to talk someone to death, I’d have a black belt.) Case in point: At a class a couple of months ago, I was finally getting my confidence up and feeling like, yeah, maybe I could get out of the dark woods without ruining my dress so I said to my (male) partner, “Okay, for real this time. Don’t pull your punches.” He looked unsure. “Just do it! I got this!” I assured him. He knocked me over so hard I saw tweety birds twirling around my head.
It occurred to me then that I could keep getting knocked on my butt and coming home with bruises in hard-to-explain places for years until I became the ultimate fighter. Which would be fine if I enjoyed fighting. But I don’t. My other option (at least in my black and white world) was to quit beating myself up (literally, in this case) and in a scary scenario just depend on my adrenaline rush, my wicked street smartz and, um, my male acquaintances. I don’t relish the damsel in distress role – I’m generally a super competent do-for-myself kind of girl – but the thought of what it would take to transform me from ultimate wuss to ultimate warrior is pretty daunting.
Unfortunately it didn’t occur to me that my plan had a serious flaw: the dudes may not necessarily appreciate getting shoe horned into that role. The other night, per a friend’s request, I went to go visit someone in a sketchy part of town. It was very late, dark and I was lost. Since I was alone, my paranoia was unbridled and I managed to freak myself the heck out. (Spoiler alert: nothing happened, I’m fine. And the person I went to help is also fine. Everyone’s fine, fine, fine.) Still, when I talked to my friend the next day I said, “You shouldn’t have made me go out there alone! It was scary!” to which he answered, “Why on earth would I want to go out there? It’s scary!” Fair enough.
Barbara Mikkleson in the Snopes.com takedown of “Through a Rapist’s Eyes” makes an interesting point : “Does this mean self-defense classes are a waste of time? Hardly. But they’re not the surefire protection they’re often touted to be.” Mikkleson adds that self-defense skills are only as good as they are practiced often and that some people develop a dangerous overconfidence, assured that now bad things can’t happen to them. She concludes, “As always, the best defense to an attempted rape is not to be there when it happens. Either avoid potentially dangerous situations or run like hell if you happen to find yourself in one.”
Now I’m wondering how other people handle this: Ladies, do you feel like, if you had to, you could defend yourself in a situation? Do you expect men to step in a protect you? Men, do you feel like you’re automatically expected to be the hero? If so, how do you feel about that? Anyone else have a hilarious #safetytipforladies to add to my list??
*Snopes.com has debunked the whole list – quite an entertaining and informative read! Also fun to forward on if you’re the know-it-all type (you know I’m duct taping my fingers together right now to refrain from e-mailing this to every girl I want to see alive…)
I saw the safety tips yesterday and had a good chuckle. (I especially like the T-Rex one.)
The best thing about the self defense class I took in grad school was the emphasis on avoiding potentially dangerous situations. It wasn’t about blaming the victim, but rather empowering us to speak and/or act if our hackles were up. Yes, we might offend someone or feel embarrassed, but it’s better than being attacked. She gave us some cold truths, and I remember them all these years later.
I, too, don’t necessarily want to become a warrior. Yes, I want to know how to defend myself and my family, but one of the things that keeps me from taking a free Krav Maga class (even though, as you know, I took it years ago) is the intimidation factor. I feel like I spend so much of my life in a heightened state of anxiety already, and taking Krav Maga again will only make it worse.Of course, I could be wrong, and maybe it’ll have the exact opposite effect. (The fact that the studio is in a not-so-great neighborhood, blocks away from public transportation and without any nearby parking is also a factor. Seriously, are they trying to put us in danger for real?!?!?!)
Anyway, that’s my deal. I’m glad you’re OK after your sojourn, and it is SO important to keep reminding everyone that most assaults are committed by someone the victim knows!
This is hilarious! Sadly, I don’t think it’ll catch on in India, where it is desperately needed. One of the things I miss most in India, is having to get out of the house and go where ever I want to go.
This is hilarious! Sadly, I don’t think it’ll catch on in India, where it is desperately needed. One of the things I miss most in India, is having the freedom to get out of the house and go where ever I want to go.
It blew me away when I first learnt you were way more likely to be assaulted by someone you know then a stranger. You don’t get much warning about Domestic Violence and Abuse. That scares me more these days. Something needs to change because it is way too common.
This is a funny read but in a weird way. Great article thanks for posting.
You don’t have to be awesome at Krav Maga for it to help you out immensely in a threatening situation. As I’m sure you know, its purpose is not necessarily to train you to go hand-to-hand in a four-minute round with an attacker. Its purpose is to give you the presence of mind and physical skills to react swiftly in the moment, disarm/confuse the attacker, and get away. I feel it’s honestly not so much self-defense as it is removing yourself from harm before it really happens, if you know what I mean. In any case, better to know it and not need it, than need it and not know it. 😉
This makes me mad every time I see it – not just because it reeks of victim blaming (why are you telling me to change my whole life instead of telling rapists not to rape?) but because it’s just plain wrong. There was no study, as the email usually claims, and there is no consensus among rapists, convicted or otherwise, about what they look for in victims. And getting past the point that most rapists already know their victims, you can pick your no-heels no-skirt no-ponytail outfit as carefully as you want, and plot your route home from the bar while avoiding all woods, bushes, stair wells and broken street lights, as much as you want, but it won’t do you a lick of good if you’re sipping your drink the whole time that you didn’t notice was roofied, in all your focus on how to get home. If you want to talk about stranger rape, that’s probably the most likely scenario.
Lists like this are usually started and perpetrated by people who want to find some line between themselves and rape victims, something the rape victim did “wrong” and a hard and fast set of rules, because then they have a clear and easy way to not become a victim themselves and they can feel safe. “Well you wore a skirt/walked the wrong way/etc, so obviously I just won’t do that.” Same false sense of security the snopes report mentions regarding self defense classes, making this list not only offensive and inaccurate but dangerous. It’s great to take steps to be safe, but make them realistic.
Just to be clear – I’m talking about the “through the eyes of a rapist” thing you got in your inbox – not your post or the twitter feed. Your post is awesome as always, Charlotte, and the twitter feed is hilarious!
Thanks for another great post. You have the most amazing way of wrapping a serious topic up with a healthy dose of humor that gets me laughing and thinking all at once. I love it.
Do you know of any good lists/articles/etc to help parents teach their kids (boys and girls) about healthy relationship? I have three young daughters and try, even now when they are very young, to teach about healthy relationships. Honestly, I don’t think I know all of the right things to tell them. As you said, there are so many nuances. I’d like to help them not make the same mistakes I did, but not leave them in a position where they are afraid to trust or have faith in the people around them. Kind of a balancing act….
I think we shouldn’t even be talking about self defense. I shouldn’t be expected to be able to defend myself- I should expect to be safe. Men aren’t expected to be able to protect themselves from random muggers in dark alleys. Using a man as protection works because it is so much less acceptable to attack men that it is to rape women. If you attack a man it is an attack. If you attack or rape a woman….it is fine as long as she is wearing a short skirt/out alone/etc. because she is “asking for it”.
The reason that muggings or just plain regular assaults of MEN are far more rare than attacks on women isn’t because men are better at protecting themselves. Self defense doesn’t prevent the attack- it just helps you (maybe) get out. But if you mug someone or assault a man (aka jump him in an alley) you won’t get away with it. If policy have any way to identify you, you will be prosecuted. if you attack a woman…well, you are probably far more likely to get away scot-free than to be prosecuted/go to jail.
Advertising the need for girls to learn self defense just re-enforces the idea that it is OK to attack women. Men who get really serious about self defense and how to escape from attackers are sometimes even mocked because it seems over the top and ridiculous (those youtube self defense guys). But for women, if you DON’T learn self-defense, you are seen as being silly and possibly complicit in your future attack.
Stop teaching self-defense to women and start teaching boys how to treat women with respect and not attack or rape them. Tell them women have a right to walk ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, wearing whatever they want, WITH whoever they want, and they should expect to be safe. Tell them not to take advantage of drunk friends. Tell them that women have autonomy over their own body and that there is no such things as “deserving” sex. Tell them that instead of making women in their life feel safe by “protecting” them, they should make women in their life safe by never being a person they should be afraid of.
I’m the opposite of you, I guess. I really like martial arts, and I like having the knowledge that if someone threw a punch at me, I could throw them, break their arm in three places, and leave them lying in an alley until the cops came by to pick them up. I hope I never have to, but sparring in jitsu is quite a thrill.
So…there is something that bugs me. Yes, in a wonderful ideal world, we would have no rape and women could wear stiletto heels and miniskirts at 3 AM in parts of town they’ve never visited.
We do not live in this ideal world.
Some rapists are not in fact mis-taught, or misjudging a situation, or whatever. Some of them are irrational and not thinking straight. You can’t convince people like this not to commit crimes just by telling them not to. You can teach someone as well as possible and they might still attack someone. Sooner or later, the victim has to try to take precautions.
This doesn’t mean it’s the victim’s fault. It’s never the victim’s fault. But in the end, I will lock my door so that thieves don’t break in and take my wallet, I will fence my dog so he doesn’t run into the street where a car might hit him, and I will not walk at 3 AM in sketchy parts of town wearing heels and listening to my iPod. This is just a thing you do. You take precautions. If my dog gets hit by a car, is that my fault? No. It’s the driver’s fault. If my wallet gets stolen, is it my fault? No, it’s the thief’s. But in the end, I can lower the odds by doing certain reasonable life practices. Sometimes the odds can’t be low enough, and things still happen. Evil people are evil, and crazy people are crazy. But that doesn’t mean you just say “well, not my responsibility to try to live my life in a way that I get the safety I’m looking for! We should just not have criminals!”
I tend to get slaughtered on the Internet anytime I say this, but I stand behind my point that there is a difference between “these are helpful tips,” and “if you don’t follow these tips, it’s all your fault.” There really is.
Very well said. Take precautions to protect yourself and prevent dangerous situations, but if something does happen, it wasn’t your fault. The person who committed the crime bears the guilt of that decision.
So many great points in this post, and some very funny ones too. A great all around perspective on a not so great subject.
In regards to teaching our children about healthy relationships, I think the most effective way is to have your own relationship be a model. If you want your kids to know how to fight fair, fight fair with your partner. If you want them to learn to be assertive, show them what that looks like. My girls are at the age where they can’t stand to see my husband and I hug and kiss, but I always tell them they’ll want to be with someone someday who wants to come home and give hugs and kisses. My hope is that if they are with someone who is outside their comfort zone, they’ll recognize how different it is from Mom & Dad and move on.
I took a semester of co-ed Judo in college (thought about the women’s only one, but it didn’t work in my schedule). I’m 5’6″ with an average build, and even WITH their cooperation, I had a difficult time throwing most of the guys who were my size or larger. (I know with more practice than a single semester I’m sure I could have gotten better at it, but I had no trouble throwing the other woman in class or a couple of the men who were smaller). They threw me easily (onto practice mats! no worries!), so at the very least, I know how to land when thrown in Judo. My mother and I were talking about it, and she said she feels like taking self-defense classes (much of my family did when I was a kid, just because we enjoyed it) has made it so she’s more likely to fight back than she would’ve been prior to the class, and I agree, for me as well. I believe they can also make the fighting back more effective. But the truth is, that the average man is twice as strong as the average woman in the upper body and half-again as strong in the lower body (read that in a book about exercise). I don’t think I would fare well if I had to fight a man who’d gotten hold of me. My best chance would be to make things difficult enough that it wouldn’t be worth it. I’ve known many girls who think they’re tough and they can “beat up [their] guy friends.” Sure, your guy FRIENDS. Not a man who is actually trying to do you PHYSICAL HARM.
I do think if I were accompanied by any of the men in my life, they would do their best to protect me, without me having to ask them. However, it’s an unrealistic expectation that there will always be someone else there. For that reason (and many others), I am a strong supporter of the Second Amendment and I support concealed-carry laws. (Sorry, Charlotte, for the political note, I am NOT trying to start a conversation on a different (and heated!) subject.) I just do my best to protect myself with safe habits, like locking doors, being aware of my surroundings, carrying scissors point-down, etc. 🙂 And honestly, this rapist hiding in the bushes scenario is highly unlikely. Neither impossible nor ignorable, just not probable. Most rapes, like you said, and studies support it, are perpetrated by friends or acquaintances.
While not a safety tip per se, something I thought was funny (and insane!) was, once a friend told me about some sort of device that, while not protecting one from rape, could sure make the rapist sorry! It was kind of like a female condom, and it had these barbs that went one direction, so things could go in, but upon any backwards movement would embed themselves in the skin. These would cause lots of pain, and require medical assistance to remove. Thus, not only have you stopped the continuance of the rape, but he would be easily identified as the man who went to the E.R. to get a weapon removed from his delicate parts. (I’m trying to be as tasteful and non-explicit as possible, but I think you catch the drift, right?) One big set back, you have to actually BE raped for this to be effective. Also? Who on earth is wearing that, you know, just in case?!?!
Those “devices” have been created and are worn in South Africa where violence against women and rape are widespread enough to make them useful
Thanks, healthyfrenchie,
In the conversation I had with my friend, he asked if that’s something I would do, and I said no, not unless such a thing was an imminent threat and highly likely possibility! And we did talk about how they were used in South Africa. I do think that in the US, that might be a bit of overkill, and we are fortunate here that violence against women is not nearly to the degree that it is there. I apologize for not mentioning that.
I have mixed feelings about this whole topic. On the one hand, of course people should take common sense precautions to protect themselves, and I see nothing wrong with learning self-defense techniques. But I worry that this whole emphasis on protecting oneself from potential assaults might lead women into feeling too fearful in general when, as you stated, most assaults actually come from someone you know.
In my own case, I have always done what I pleased (within reason; I don’t advocate strolling around in dangerous parts of town), whether that involves going for solo nature walks, strolling alone to a coffee shop after dark, or traveling to foreign countries…armed only, as I like to joke, with pepper spray, my cell phone, and my entirely imaginary kung fu skills. (That is, I don’t know any kung fu…but I sure can imagine myself opening a can of whup-ass if I needed to!) I do believe that despite my middle age and relative scrawniness, I do have a “don’t mess with me” kind of swagger, for what that’s worth.
Still, my entire life, people have warned me, “Don’t you know what could happen?” Yeah, I do know…but the only time a bad thing did happen, I was eight years old and in the care of a family “friend,” just as the statistics predict. I ended up fearless anyway. I consider that a triumph.
Thanks for the awesome article, the twitter recommendations were hilarious! I was raped and I knew them although not that well; I was so paralyzed by fear and also just insanely incredulous that it was happening to me, I could barely even move. I was in college and yes, I fought back but with three attackers, I had very little chance. I spent most of my life living a different fear, that if I were to be attacked again, I would die fighting and knowing also that I would fight to the death because I wasn’t strong enough to fight anyone off, nor did I have the ability to do so. I finally said enough is enough and met a great trainer that taught me to defend myself and now, I no longer live my life feeling that way. I at the very least feel that if I were in that situation again, I would have a fighting chance. There are many who would will say, why would you ever think that it would happen again but trust me, when it happens to you, that is how you look at the world. When I was raped, my counselor told me that one in four women is attacked. How would I be so lucky to avoid it again?
This may start a comment war, but concealed carry is great for small people with poor fighting skills. In terms of effective deterrents, statistics from the national victims survey show that a firearm is the best way to discourage an attacker once they have picked you. Typically you won’t have to use it either. I don’t remember the exact statistic, but in the overwhelming majority of cases the criminal leaves without anyone injured.In fact, that’s part of where the oft quoted claim a firearm is more likely to injure a family member than an attacker comes from. If you count the much larger number of cases where the firearm deters without injury it is much more likely to protect you.
I was a lifeguard for many years and until I had made a couple rescues I always wondered what I would do if push came to shove. I am ovely critical so I am not 100% happy with my performance but I did OK. From that I have a sense of what I can handle. The thing you learn in lifeguarding is to be vigilent about preventing a problem. That has been a great asset as I am always aware of what is going on around me.
So true about the gun thing, unless the perp has spent some serious time at the range. After I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon at the handgun range and hit the (stationary) target once (out of more than 50 rounds fired) I had a whole new appreciation for how NON-lethal handguns are…
I am sad to say that many men are not even aware a woman may expect them to be a hero.
There is a sadly prevailing attitude among men that they have no expectations of themselves in this regard.
When I was 7? My Dad stepped between me and a brown bear. NO hesitation. He showed no fear to the bear. His body language was “Do not even THINK of trying to get my son.” The bear left.
I have been taught by precept and example: The man protects.
I have prepared body mind and spirit to be able to do so myself.
I had a real life hero example in my Dad of who I should be.
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