Strangely I never thought of using my hair extensions like this…
Long before catfish got verb’ed, I discovered the power of lying on the Internet. Of course, being 15 with a sketchy (and screechy) dial-up modem meant I wasn’t very good at it but seeing as that’s never stopped me from doing anything I forged right ahead with my deception. What was I lying about? My looks. Of course. Little did I know then that virgin high school girls were a hot commodity on the Internet back in its wild west days so I might have actually done myself a favor when Sandman55* asked me to describe myself and “leave nothing out” and I panicked. In all my time spent on ICQ and in primitive chat rooms – remember when we used to send each other elaborate ASCII roses or birthday cakes?? – no one had ever asked me what I looked like. My immediate response was to tell him what I wished I looked like: “I’m 5’8″, long black hair, green eyes and freckles.” (Basically I wanted to be Aerith from Final Fantasy, in case anyone isn’t sold my utter geekiness yet.)
Alone in my basement room, I shivered with anticipation as I waited for his sure-to-be-glowing response. Instead I got, “What’s ur bra size?” Ah, my first netsex request! Don’t worry, I turned him down.
But imagine my surprise a year ago when I looked in the mirror and realized I’d become my own dream girl. At least in the effect that I had long, shiny, thick black hair, green eyes and freckles. (At 5’7″ I’d missed the height requirement by an inch.) Only problem was that none of it was real.
I’m about to make what is possibly my most embarrassing confession on here yet. I don’t know why but admitting this next part is more humiliating to me than ‘fessing up on here to being sexually assaulted, having a dead daughter whom I routinely invoke in casual conversation or my eating disorders of all stripes. Here goes: I was about as fake as a girl can get without surgery or needles.
It started with a mistake. In a hurry to use up my HSA money by the end-of-year deadline I’d hurriedly tried to order a year’s supply of contact lenses. Probably because I’d waited to the last minute, they were all out of my usual kind. So I just clicked the next box assuming I could return them and exchange them for my real lenses when they got back in stock. They were green contact lenses. When I got them of course I had to try them on! They turned my eyes the most horrible shade of Zombie puce you could imagine. Plus, every time I blinked, they would slide quickly over my pupil and temporarily blind me. I sent them back that same day. But it had sparked a thought.
Why not change my eye color? I hated mine anyhow. See, I was born with giant olive-black eyes that used to cause strangers to remark on their beauty with some frequency. And for reasons that I still can’t explain they’ve got much lighter as I’ve grown older. Much, much lighter. My eyes have changed so much that when I got my driver’s license renewed and I checked the “brown” box for eyes, the woman actually corrected me. “Check the hazel box, honey.” But they’re not hazel. They’re kind of a light muddy brown now with flecks of gold and green in them – which makes them sound prettier than they actually are.
So I exchanged the green contacts for “enhancements” or contacts that are lightly tinted (blue actually) to make your natural color more vivid. It worked! All of a sudden I had beautiful emerald green eyes. Again, people were stopping me to tell me what gorgeous eyes I had. And every time they did it made me squirm. First, because the contacts had a tendency to wander when my eyes were dry, leaving an eerie bluish crescent on the white of my eye and I never knew when that was happening until I saw the look on the other person’s face. And second, because I felt like a big faker.
But that wasn’t the end of my fakery. You may recall that after Jelly Bean was born, my hair fell out in clumps (as is sadly normal after having a baby) but it just never grew back in. I also blame the Mirena IUD as hair loss is a known side effect. But whatever the cause, it kept thinning until my hairdresser pointed it out to me and I started crying, right there in the chair. If losing your hair is embarrassing for a man it’s eleventy times worse for a woman! And, just like my eyes, I used to have gorgeous thick, curly, dark hair. It cascaded to my waist in such glory that my sister christened it “Mother Eve hair”. And now it was fine, limp, thin and straight. (Did you know pregnancy can change your actual hair texture? Yep. Mine flipped back and forth between curly and straight, unfortunately ending on straight-ish with Jelly Bean.)
So I got hair extensions. They, like the contacts, worked amazingly well. At first I just had the clip-in kind hawked by Jessica Simpson. My close friends noticed when I wore them but no one else did, as they blended so perfectly with my hair. But clip-ins are a pain in the neck (literally) as the little claws dig into your scalp and you can’t wear them when you’re working out or swimming or sleeping. You also have to be careful with the way you style your hair so the clips don’t show. (Pony tails are the worst – want proof? Check out Brittney.) Plus the little clips have an evil streak and will pop open at the most random moments causing you to drop a whole hunk of hair into your water glass at dinner.
Then I was watching a show about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders one night and watched as one girl got extensions sewn onto her head. I’m not sure if this makes me racist or just really naive but up until that point I never realized white girls could get weaves too! Getting one became my new mission. Unfortunately getting those kind of extensions can cost anywhere from $400-$3000 and I don’t have that kind of cash. I ended up buying the tape-in kind off the internet for $50 and put them in myself. Viola! I could now do everything in them that I could with my real hair! They were beyond perfect! Maybe too perfect? I remember the day after I put them in showing up at the gym and my trainer Steve exclaiming, “Look at you Barbie!!” and playfully flipping my hair. Then he added, “They look good but 2 inches longer and you’ll be in stripper territory. Just so you know.” Considering he’d once been a celebrity trainer in LA I figured he knew his strippers from his Barbies.
At that moment I realized how much our hair says about us in our society. Not only does cut, color and length send a message but now we also share how much and how nice of hair we can afford. Once I got them in, I realized how many of my female friends and acquaintances wore them too, not to mention their omnipresence on celebs. (Side note: Since having extensions I’ve become really adept at spotting them on other people! Want to play? Generally the hair is fake if it’s thicker at the bottom than at the top – that’s just not how natural hair grows – and if their hair never lays flat against their head, even in a tight ponytail.)
It was a weird step up the social ladder. Which was fitting because I was in a weird place in my life. I was suddenly doing a lot of pictures for Shape and I wasn’t used to my body and looks being my moneymaker (aieee, remember when my butt was the featured pic on the Shape homepage for a week?) – as a writer I usually get to coast on personality alone. And as silly as I’m sure this sounds to you now, I think the pressure kind of got to me. I so obviously wasn’t a fitness model but I still wanted to fit in. I didn’t want people reading my stories to see me and be like “one of these things is not like the other…”! (Although I blew that one out of the water when I did the Vikings cheerleader piece and I literally looked like the sound person who accidentally wandered onstage during a Victoria’s Secret show.)
Fake hair. Fake eyes. I didn’t do surgery or injectables or even fake nails but I own two pairs of Spanx and a wide variety of push-up bras. High heels, flattering clothing, and makeup finished my chameleon-esque transformation. And while everything looked fab on film as long as I stood perfectly still, the cracks were beginning to show. Which brings me back to that fateful day in front of the mirror when I realized I’d become a caricature of myself. Back in my super awkward high school days, a male friend had chided me after hearing about my online persona switch, saying, “Everyone lies on the Internet. Except you and that’s what’s so special about you! You’re genuine. Don’t lose that.”
Had I lost that? I made it a point to never lie if someone asked me about my hair or eyes which made for tricky conversation sometimes – if they just complemented me, I only said thank you. But if they went farther and asked how I styled my hair or what products I used or whatever, I’d just tell them I had extensions. But while I told myself I’d just done these things to get back what I’d lost in the cute department, I had to admit that it was not making me feel better about myself. If anything, it was doing the opposite. I was constantly self conscious about what else needed to be “fixed.” My breaking point came when Jelly Bean discovered the fun of “playing hair” and wanted to brush my hair all the time – and I’d have to stop her little hands 2/3 of the way up my hair. (You canNOT comb extensions from base to tip or you risk ripping them out, especially as they grow out with your hair.) “Oh you has your fake hairs mommy?” she said sweetly. “I won’t hurt them!” OY.
Yep, that’s fake hair.
When I took out the extensions, I discovered that because I’d worn them basically non-stop for over a year that they had started pulling out what little natural hair I had left at the roots, a condition called tension alopecia. (Also known as the reason Jennifer Aniston got her infamous bob haircut a few years ago. Although she seems to have returned to her extensions.) So not only was I fake but I was making my underlying issues worse! It took a lot of tears but I put the extensions in a box and saw my hairstylist who trimmed my hair in the most flattering way possible. (And she introduced me to Nioxin, a fab non-prescription hair regrowth shampoo that has done wonders for helping my hair grow back!)
It took another two months for me to ditch the contacts. That turned out to be a non event. I quietly returned to my normal lenses and not a single person said a word. I’m 99% sure no one even noticed, not even my husband. Apparently I’m the only one who spends a lot of time staring critically into my own eyes.
So now I’m just me again. (Except for the push-up bras. I’ve had five kids – you could argue at this point they’re just necessary scaffolding.)
And this is my real hair! (And eye color although you can’t really tell in this pic) Not so bad, after all.
I think one reason why this is so hard for me to talk about (and it truly is, you have no idea how long I’ve been sitting on this post) because admitting the levels we go to to make ourselves beautiful means admitting how very much we care about what people think about us. We’re supposed to be empowered and feminist and not care about all that frippery and yet, in the end, I just wanted to be a pretty princess like everyone else. I’d become so caught up in the delusion of perfection that I’d hot glued someone else’s hair to my head.
Whether it’s make-up or spray tans or hair dye, I think most of us do some sartorial sleight-of-hand and I’m not saying I’m going to stop shaving my pit hair or anything. Honestly I’m still not sure where to draw the line between enhancement and artifice. It’s been six months (ish) since I took out my extensions and while I still have my clip-ins, I save those for really fancy occasions or elaborate updos. (Seriously so much easier to braid the hair and then attach it to your hair rather than do a real crown braid!) But now I use them more as an accessory, like jewelry. And now that my real hair is growing back I find I use them less and less. It’s only been a couple of months since I jettisoned the contacts.
While I miss my luxurious hair and show-stopping eyes, now when I get a compliment I feel like at least they’re complimenting me. And every once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself and think I’m beautiful, unqualified with an asterisk about my hair or eyes or anything else. And now Jelly Bean can comb my hair to her heart’s content.
I’m actually afraid to ask you guys what you think! I have this vision of a thousand pairs of internet eyes blinking at me and saying “Why would I want to be anyone but myself?” But I have to know – has anyone else ever had a similar experience with trying to be someone you’re not? How do you draw the line between simply enhancing your natural beauty and faking it? Any of you indulge in some cosmetic chicanery?** Anyone else ever lied on the Internet about how they look??
*Eh that wasn’t his real handle. I honestly don’t remember it now but it seems like every boy on the Internet in those days either invoked Metallica or Insane Clown Posse. You pick.
** I’m NOT saying that extensions/botox/implants/whatever are bad. If you like them and they make you feel better then I’m all for them! They just didn’t work that way for me.
I’ve been thinking about getting clip in extensions, mostly for when I do my hair up, so that my bun isn’t so small.
I have noticed though that when you “fix” one thing you don’t like about yourself, you start noticing others.
I had no idea about the Mirena and hair loss. I lost so much hair after E was born, and he’s two now, and I still don’t feel like it’s come back at all.
I wouldn’t get clip-ins for that purpose. The actual clips take up a lot of head real estate and are actually quite hard to pull up into an updo, especially a bun. BUT they do make buns or ponytail falls specifially for that purpose! And they’re not as pricey as clip-ins.
Also – have you tried a bun form? You can get one for about 5 bucks at Target or Walmart and it’s a lightweight donut-shaped thing that you pull your ponytail through and then just pin your hair down around the form. Works like magic!
I want something that I can braid or twist into my hair before it gets to the bun. I was thinking a couple of smaller pieces. Good thing to think about though.
I have tried the sock trick with a bun, and that worked pretty well. I just need to not use a white sock. 🙂
You are the first person I’ve “met” that has an eye lightening problem! Like you, I was born with really dark brown eyes. However, the older I’ve gotten, the more they have gone to light brown (almost hazel and occasionally greeny with goldish and an undertone of brown – if any of that makes sense). I have *no idea* why they have lightened over the years, but it really annoys me to no end. They used to be my standout feature (along with hair I paid handsomely for, but we quit affording that a while back), and now that’s gone! Gah! So I totally sympathize. I get creeped out by the whole contacts thing, but I do darken my eyes in photos with a little editing.
And if anyone knows how to make them dark brown again, I’m game! (And nope, never used any sort of prescription or drug on my eyes at all.)
Me too! Me too! I started out with almost black eyes and now they are a golden brown…not as pretty as it sounds, either. And if I cry, they turn muddy brown-green. I kind of thought that I was crazy for thinking they were lightening. I also used to have long, shiny, luscious hair that people would literally ask to touch, but after the birth of #2 it all fell out and got dull and frizzy. Boo. I have an actual bald spot in the front of my part. I’m expecting #3 right now and I am loving that my hair is somewhat back to it’s former glory, but I’m dreading the post-baby hair shedding. Just the thing to make you feel super glamorous: extra baby weight, dark circles under the eyes, stretch marks, and Gollum hair…
Ooh my eyes do that when I cry too! So not pretty. And it’s nice to know I’m not the only one with weirdly lightening eyes. (Are they going to be clear by the time I die??) Although I am sorry you two are in the same boat:/ And this: “Just the thing to make you feel super glamorous: extra baby weight, dark circles under the eyes, stretch marks, and Gollum hair…” is as hilarious as it is true. I feel your pain!!
My eyes have done the same thing. They were dark brown as a kid and have changed colors as I’ve gotten older. They’re currently hazel, but turn green when I cry. No mood ring needed, since I have eyes that do the same thing!
In my case, I’m thrilled about the changes because I used to wish dearly for green eyes and it’s pretty much happened!
You know – I’ve thought a lot about what “beauty” is and what I want it to mean for me. I have spent so many years of my life either bemoaning the fact that I was not what is considered conventionally attractive, or practicing disordered eating or obsessive exercise to get to the level of thinness I believed others considered attractive. As I grow into myself, I realize how artificial and fleeting physical beauty is when it’s defined by someone else’s yard stick. I don’t want to spend my life trying to conform to oppressive physical standards of beauty. As the first white hairs creep into my scalp, I welcome them as signs of wisdom; as my smile lines dig deeper roots into my skin, I nod in approval of a life filled with so many smilable moments; as my hips expand, I welcome the sign that I am eating mindfully and no longer obsessing over the “shoulds.” It’s not always easy. But when I think of the beauty I want my future daughter to aspire to, I think of the beauty of strength, intelligent defiance, self love and empathy. I want to emulate that beauty. You are beautiful for sharing your story with us. Thank you
SUCH a beautiful comment! The whole thing gave me chills (seriously, I’m all goose-bumpy now!) but this was particularly moving: ” As the first white hairs creep into my scalp, I welcome them as signs of wisdom; as my smile lines dig deeper roots into my skin, I nod in approval of a life filled with so many smilable moments; as my hips expand, I welcome the sign that I am eating mindfully and no longer obsessing over the “shoulds.” It’s not always easy. But when I think of the beauty I want my future daughter to aspire to, I think of the beauty of strength, intelligent defiance, self love and empathy.” Thank you for saying what I needed to hear today:)
I’m one of those girls who embrace the whole beauty industry, but in a bizarre way. I enjoy the hell out of looking like a raccoon and put on more and more eyeliner until I just can’t cake any more on there, then maybe I’ll use some oil or something to smooth some off. On a similar note, the only reason I have the ombre thing on my hair ends is so I look less like I’m wearing a black hoodie every day. The blonde breaks up all the blackness of my hair roots and my entire wardrobe. It’s my own personal standard of hotness, not someone else’s.
With that said, I’ve had the colored contacts and fake bake and extensions and many other conventional standards of beauty. We all do it. You are human, and therefore much too hard on yourself. Go figure, right?
If I were going to be in a magazine, I’d probably just hire someone else to show up and pretend to be me it would freak me out so badly. So bully for you for showing up at all.
This: “It’s my own personal standard of hotness, not someone else’s.” is the most important thing! And I think your personal style sounds awesome! Thanks for the props and solidarity;)
The thing about female beauty is that it’s directly connected to social status. In the wild, our primate social status has been shown to directly impact how long we might live and even how long our children might live, and whether we have access to enough good food — in short, primate social status is some important shit. And though we might like to pretend we are somehow “above” our animal cousins with our fancy, shoe-wearing lifestyle, when it comes to status we are still pretty much like every other mammal: we are serious about maintaining status. What this means is that when a woman feels her youth and beauty draining away from her in some way, she feels as if a huge threat is happening. It’s terrifying. The more status a woman had to start with, the harder it will be for her when the status which was due to her beauty begins to fade. And if there’s anything she can do to still “feel beautiful,” meaning to feel that her status is unchanged, she will do it. Surgery, botox, extensive makeup routine, mountains of fake hair and nails and of course fake boobs too. Painful shoes, pushup bras, all that.
And don’t get the impression I am saying this is wrong, or that I would not do those things. I mean, I like to think I’d skip the botox. But if money were no object, I bet a full body lift would be on the menu for me. I’m not trying to hate on anyone’s choices. I’m just pointing out that we women have deep reasons for the insane things we sometimes do to stay beautiful.
Particularly since the status thing is a real thing. I was never a really beautiful high-status girl. So I didn’t have a lot of status to lose. But even I was deeply bothered by the total invisibility that happened to me when I was toting my two kids around in public. It was like people, men especially, could not even see me at all. Now that my kids are older and I have a bit more energy to devote to self-care, it’s quite satisfying to be visible again as my beauty-related status improves.
This: “The thing about female beauty is that it’s directly connected to social status. In the wild, our primate social status has been shown to directly impact how long we might live and even how long our children might live, and whether we have access to enough good food — in short, primate social status is some important shit.” is a really important point and I appreciate it. First because it makes me feel less shallow but also because I think sometimes we forget all the forces driving us to do what we do. We don’t operate in a vacuum. Also, this? “ut even I was deeply bothered by the total invisibility that happened to me when I was toting my two kids around in public” YES!!!
I’ve never been a beauty, so I’ve always had to depend on my great wit and charm to maintain my spot in the social hierarchy, hah!
I don’t “do” make-up, it’s just not me. My only concession to the beauty industry is to change my dirty gray hair to Revlon Medium Golden Brown.
I’ve got the same eyes you do, listed as Hazel on my driver’s license. As I get older they’ve gotten lots of silver flecks to go along with the rest of it.
Ooh – see, silver flecks sounds really cool to me! Now at least I have one thing to look forward to with aging!
Alice said “when you “fix” one thing you don’t like about yourself, you start noticing others” and I totally agree with that. I’d also like to add that when you start “fixing” stuff you also start to cause other problems you don’t expect – like you explained with the extensions causing your real hair to thin/break off. Seems like it’s always that way in life – correct one thing and break 3 others. With so many options especially when it comes to appearance, it’s hard to resist though. I must admit I look instantly better when I put in my green contacts, even though I can’t see as well 🙂
Ooh so do you wear the actual tinted contacts or just the enhancement kind? How does the blinking thing not drive you nuts?
I have Fresh Look color blends in green… but I also have clear contacts for when I actually want to see 🙂 The color blends are fine for going out to dinner, shopping, whatever. But they do make it harder to see if you’re doing work on the computer or reading, etc. For me they’re just for fun, not every day.
Ha, what does it say about me that I read this and I was like, Ooh, colored contacts might be fun?
I’m not really one for a lot of the beauty-enhancement type stuff, mostly because I am too lazy and cheap and not willing to put out the effort. I do admire women (and men) who put a lot of effort into their appearances, especially when it goes so far as to be performance art of sorts, with the body/face as canvas, you know. If there is a line in my thinking, it’s when the physical alterations are less about using your canvas to create something different and beautiful and more about trying to make up for perceived flaws. The former is an act of creativity that is chosen out of pleasure, the latter an act of self-loathing. The end result might be the same, but the motivation is all different, and I think that’s what makes the difference in my eyes.
Of course, I really have no idea what’s going on underneath a lot of people’s decisions. I might be all wrong in assuming that someone who looks like they use makeup/enhancements/clothing as creative self-expression isn’t doing it out of a need to compensate for some kind of perceived flaw.
So true about the motivation being a key factor and not knowing what goes into people’s decisions. I too love watching performance art!!
I always thought you were beautiful because you come across as so real! I think the “new” picture you posted looks like all the others with the “enhanced” hair and eyes. I guess I don’t see any difference. Is that good??? 🙂 PS- Love the post!
Haha thank you! You are so sweet!
I dunno – I think that whatever makes you feel good about yourself is the right thing to do. And if your contacts & extensions stopped making you feel good then it was time to let them go.
Personally – I think its fun to play with your look. My hair has blue highlights – that used to be pink. I’ve never changed my eye color but only because colored contacts didn’t come in my prescription. And I really want clip in bangs.
I think the trick is to not become a slave to it – you make the changes because its fun & makes you feel good. Not because your trying to conform to some beauty industry standard.
I think blue highlights would be a riot!! And I agree about controlling it and not letting it control you. A previous commenter pointed out that motivation is everything and I love that point – if you’re just having fun with your look then it will feel fun but if, like me, you’re trying to “fix” yourself from the outside in, it will never do want you want it to!
My eyes have also lightened as I’ve gotten older! They started out a beautiful dark fudge brown and are now hazel. And like you, I didn’t realize it til my MIL said something about my pretty hazel eyes and when I looked in the mirror I realized she was right! My eyes had turned to hazel and I never realized it. And my wonderfully dark wavy hair started becoming salt and pepper in my 20s, so I colored it for years…1st trying to stay with my original color and then playing with any color I wanted, because I could…and ended with blonde because my hair grows very fast and then I wouldn’t have to recolor or touch up roots every 2-3 weeks. 2 years ago I stepped off that particular fashion train and have let it go natural – gray/white. Its actually very pretty, altho no longer wavy, but every time I see my FIL he mentions how much he liked that blonde color. Altho I got lots of compliments as a blonde, it just didn’t ‘feel’ right. I guess I gotta be me 🙂
I love that you let your gray hair show! At the moment I don’t have any gray hair (except for one strand that stubbornly grows straight up on the top of my head) but I’ve long admired the women with the beautiful silver/white tresses and I hope that when my hair makes the shift I’ll be confident in it, like you are!
I feel odd saying this, but I honestly can’t tell the difference…you look lovely Charlotte. You always seem so sincere and happy in your pictures, which is what I take away from them. 🙂
To me, if it makes you feel confident, do what you need to do…and if it bugs you, then stop. In the end, looking in the mirror and being happy with yourself is the important thing. I dye my hair a more reddy brown than natural, so I’m not one to talk 🙂
I’ve always wanted red hair! And with my natural black, when I have tried that I end up with a reddy brown;) And thank you:)
Don’t feel odd Geosomin I cannot tell the difference as well from the real thing compared to the fake.
I used to work with a horrible woman who also happened to have a weave and veneers. Whenever someone compliment her on her looks, I just wanted to scream, “She’s fake, fake, fake!!!” The thing is, she was fake internally as well as externally. I think if she’d been a nicer, genuine person, I wouldn’t have given her “fakes” a second thought.
Good point about how it’s way more important to people how you act then what you look like! And… I’ve totally had that same impulse with a person or two, lol.
I think we all go through this in various levels. We are always our own worst critic! I’ve thought about colored contacts just to see what I would look like with another color eyes, like green, but my natural color is unique so I haven’t bothered with trying contacts. Plus the whole touching your eyeballs thing. I love make up but I don’t use it to make myself look pretty, I use it to enhance what I already have or when I do something really fun it’s just for myself. I use it to show my personality – colorful! However when I get compliments, I know someone is being honest in telling me I’m pretty, but because I don’t believe it myself I have a very hard time believing them. I believe they *think* I am. But all I can think of is what I wish was different.
Eh you get over the whole touching your eyeball thing pretty quick! And I love your attitude about makeup. I also think you speak for a lot of people with this: ” I believe they *think* I am. But all I can think of is what I wish was different.” Very poignant, even though I wish it wasn’t true – for any of us!
I loved reading this post. You are so beautiful Charlotte contacts or not. From what you said about quitting the extensions I think you were extension free when I met you and I thought you had great hair!
When I was younger I used to color my hair black or red. I quit coloring about 10 years ago but when I start to go grey I will prob color again. I’ve never tried extensions except for waist length fire red ones I was wearing the night I met Brent along with homemade beaded eyelashes. 😉 Nowadays I stick with make up and padded bras though. Occasionally for a very special occasion I might wear false eyelashes although it’s been at least 2 years since I’ve done that…living on an RV I don’t have many uses. National Park Rangers won’t be impressed!
I so so wish there was a picture of that night you met Brent!! I bet you looked amazing – you are one of those people that could pull off any look. You are so gorgeous! And yes, when we met, I’m pretty sure my hair extensions were gone but I still had the contacts in. I remember you complimenting my eyes too. I can’t remember what I said back, lol. Is it terrible the thing I remember most about that initial meeting was what freaking awesome vintage dresses we both had? Man, I miss you. And too funny about the park rangers – they are def. a low maintenance bunch!
I loved reading this post. You are so beautiful Charlotte contacts or not. From what you said about quitting the extensions I think you were extension free when I met you and I thought you had great hair! When I was younger I used to color my hair black or red. I quit coloring about 10 years ago but when I start to go grey I will prob color again. I’ve never tried extensions except for waist length fire red ones I was wearing the night I met Brent along with homemade beaded eyelashes. 😉 Nowadays I stick with make up and padded bras though. Occasionally for a very special occasion I might wear false eyelashes although it’s been at least 2 years since I’ve done that…living on an RV I don’t have many uses. National Park Rangers won’t be impressed!
I’m still peeved that my hair darkened. When I was a kid, I had glorious golden hair, and combined with my blue eyes it basically meant I was the stereotypical Southern belle look and my parents were thrilled to have a kid who didn’t have “brown hair brown eyes like everybody else.” (No offense to those who have them! It’s just that my family obsessed over the rarer traits for whatever reason.)
And then my hair turned what my mom called “dishwater blonde,” which is basically a drab color one step from brown, a flat muddy tan shade. I am a little afraid to grow out my hair now without getting bleached highlights in it, because if it does end up a kind of flat and dull near-brown…well I dunno, my hair used to be such a hallmark of beauty for me, and I don’t like too much else about my body much of the time, so I don’t want to lose it. 🙁 So yeah, I fake. I think if I went out in the sun more (Boston does not like this idea, apparently, what with its weather), I’d get at least some natural highlights back, but we can all wish.
Oh I totally get this. While I’ve never been blonde, when I was in college I had waist-length curly hair and it was basically my defining feature. Then one time I went rock-climbing and got my braid stuck in the figure 8 and had to hack it off with a pocket knife. When I got to the bottom I sobbed on my roommate’s shoulder “I’ll never be beautiful again!!” Although it turns out my hair actually looked better a bit shorter (It ended up about collar-bone length). You can always try hair dye! Personally I think brunettes with blue eyes are very striking (and rare!) too!
I have so much hair that it’s too heavy for a lot of hairstyles anyway, so I’ve never been tempted to have extensions (even though I have bouts of alopecia areata). I have been tempted by a lot of other “enhancements” but for the most part even if I follow through and buy them I’m far too lazy to actually use them. I just don’t feel as comfortable even if I “look better”.
I admire women who value their own physical comfort enough to not do stupid/painful things in the name of beauty. I’m addicted to my high heels and a doc recently told me I need to stop wearing them, like ever, to help my foot pain heal. I wore heels yesterday. And now my foot hurts. Sigh.
I totally identify with feeling that it’s not me. Going to an extreme, I didn’t even want to use a hair/make-up artist at my wedding because I didn’t want to look in a way that I couldn’t do myself.
I’d never heard of Nioxin before reading your post, but it sounds terrific. From the Amazon reviews, it sounds like there are two versions: the old one works, and the new one (now sold on Amazon) doesn’t, maybe because of a reformulation. Where do you get yours? My husband has just started losing some hair and he’s hoping not to lose more.
On your pictures: I can’t tell the difference, either.
I get my Nioxin from my hair dresser. (She gives me a sweet discount – that stuff can get pricey!) And I’m pretty sure it’s the new stuff. I read the Amazon reviews too and they said to check where it’s manufactured. If it’s made in Mexico (like mine is) then it’s the newer and less-effective version. If it’s made in Atlanta/USA then it’s supposed to be the good stuff. And I will say that when I started with the level 1, I really didn’t see a difference. Maybe my hair was falling out a little less? Maybe? But I eventually skipped up to level 4 and I swear it’s making a difference! Not a huge difference but I think it’s helping. So maybe there is just less of the active ingredient than there used to be? I say it’s worth a shot for your husband. Since the effect can be subtle, maybe try taking an aerial shot of his head, up close, then doing one course of the Nioxin (perhaps try just starting at level 4,5 or 6?) and then take another pic to see if there’s any difference. Definitely let me know how it goes!!
Thanks for the comprehensive reply. We’ll give it a try.
I think all the body ornamentation is okay as long as we don’t take it too seriously. I’m a hardcore nature girl, but every winter (November-ish), I like to brighten up my locks with a dye job (officially known as my “Christmas hair”). My hair was strawberry blonde when I was younger and is now a darker blonde with some grey, and the hair colour brightens up the drab Canadian winter and lifts my mood. Why not? People are at their most beautiful when they feel good about themselves, enhanced or othewise.
Regarding your eye colour, survey-debunker Denise Minger provides a possible explanation for the change in her own eye colour on her blog: http://rawfoodsos.com/about/. Perhaps it’s diet related?
I love the idea of hair color to lift your mood! I guess, in my mind, I don’t really consider hair color in the same category as some other enhancements. Probably because so many people do it? Or maybe because it’s temporary. But I LOVE playing around with hair color. I wish I had more options. (Trying to dye over black is ridiculous.)
I’ve lied on the internet about my looks, highlighted my hair (it seriously got DARKER one summer!), dyed my hair (red, purple, black), and I’ve worn spanx (had to, gained 20 lbs before my wedding and didn’t have time to let the dress out…breathing was kind of optional that day lol). My eyes are hazel-ish…they never actually mixed together, so I have brown with some flecks of gold rimmed with green. Weird.
But even knowing about all of the options for “improving” my looks, I still thought extensions, colored contacts, and fake eyelashes were for special occassions – until I heard several of my friends and coworkers say they do these things on a daily basis. And then I realized why I don’t (can’t) look that perfect. They get up like 4 hours before work to do that! I like to sleep. I don’t begrudge them that, though it did make me realize that even my best looking friends put a ton of effort into it, so I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them. And, I’m lazy. =)
I love my fake eyelashes but I could never wear them every day. And I agree about learning what my beautiful friends do to maintain their look can be really eye opening. Def. good to learn not to compare! And I don’t think you’re lazy – purple hair sounds awesome!
First off, I just want to say you are FABULOUS!!!!!!! It just comes naturally to you, even if you don’t always see it.
I think we ALL obsess over aspects of our appearance. Just yesterday I had my face threaded, waxed & plucked. And I PAID for that torture! And I’m STILL obsessing over the fine hairs on my chinny-chin-chin that none of the above-mentioned methods were able to remove. Lord knows I obsess over my weight, and have done so for nearly as long as I can remember. And for 2 1/2 years I’ve had this THING on the corner of my right eye that won’t go away. (I REALLY need to get to the dermatologist & figure out what it is & how to get rid of it.)
The thing to take away from all of this is exactly what you’ve written: Perfection doesn’t exist, most of the things we don’t like, physically, about ourselves go completely unnoticed by others (unless one is a model or actress), and even the people we think ARE perfect have insecurities.
So well said, Alyssa! Thank you!!
I totally understand where you’re coming from.
Here’s my take on the whole “natural” beauty vs. artifice thing:
Anything is fair game if it makes you smile,
as long as you know that you don’t *need* to do it.
(Caveat: Surgical enhancements *generally* seem like a bad plan, since they aren’t permanent,
are expensive, and you don’t know how your body will react to them.)
I’m a theatre-makeup-costume nerd, so that makes a biiiiiiig difference to how far I’m willing to go to seek a specific look for myself (or a character I am playing).
I have a work face.
A going-out face.
An opera face.
A renaissance faire face.
A work-out face.
And wigs for several of those!
There are just so many …me’s… I can be,
I’d hate to limit myself to just one!
I also have pink hair.
I never really liked the way I looked until I dyed my hair pink,
and I have absolutely no plans to go back to my old brown hair.
I actually kinda resent it when people ask what my “real” hair color is.
Pink IS my real hair color,
because it IS the color that my hair is NOW.
(goshdurnit!)
Your weave made you uncomfortable, you took it out.
That’s awesome!
If it didn’t do anything to make you feel deeply great about being you,
get rid of it!
I am thinking about wearing fake eyelashes on a more regular basis,
because I LOVE how they look, and because my eyelashes are super puny on their own.
If I end up not liking them,
out they go!
I may get Botox or Juvederm because I really dislike the way my forehead wrinkles look with my pixie cut. (And long bangs just aren’t my friend.)
Honestly?
Artifice is what you make of it.
Some women hate wearing makeup.
They should never be forced to wear it.
Some women (hello! me!) LOVE wearing makeup,
and taking it away, or accusing them of not being “natural” is just cruel.
I love it when I’m complimented on the way I look,
because I want my craft of makeup/hair/wardrobe to be pleasing to the eye.
I never feel like I’m lying or faking because I got a compliment while wearing carefully contoured foundation, or because my hair is not a “natural” color.
(BUT if it makes *you* feel unauthentic, it’s okay to change whatever it is you are doing.)
…
I think this might be the crux of the issue:
As long as your behavior and attitude towards others is genuine,
I really don’t think any amount of makeup, tanning, capped teeth, weaved hair, or colored contacts matter.
So so much I love about this whole comment! This nails it: “Anything is fair game if it makes you smile, as long as you know that you don’t *need* to do it.” I also LOVE your wigs, your pink hair, your costumes (you KNOW I love me a good costume!). I wish I lived by you – I’m dying to learn the whole “contouring foundation” thing! Do you know of any good tutorials?
I’m just me, faults and all. I feel like I gain more enjoyment, more sense of self, more self esteem by spending my precious time DOING, rather than primping. I used to do elaborate things with my hair and makeup when I was younger, then things just started to fall away until my morning routine started to take about 10 mins. If it’s an issue of looking better and one more mile, I’ll take the mile any day :).
I do love getting fancy, but I save that for special occasions. Even then, that just involves a full face of makeup, hair straightening and/or curling, and very occasionally some spanx.
You know, it’s funny, I used to think wearing make-up or “enhancing” my hair color was cheating (I used that exact word on a number of occasions). Now, I still don’t do much, but when I do, I like to think of it as polishing.
I think you are gorgeous. I ‘ve been a lurker here for quite a while, and I often wonder why you pose with you rmouth open, or tongue out, or some other “goofy” face, when you look amazing with your “regular” face on!
I love your honesty . This is a great blog.
The more I read your posts, he more I realize, we are, many of us, the same… I started losing my hair long before preganncy, it was ED-related. Deprice nutients, hair falls out. It has never looked the same. I msut say, I had hair cahnges at puberty similar to pregnancy (got curlier).
My eyes did not lighten, but definitely hcanged with age, they went from blue to gray-blue-smokey boring color. Much like my hair. I call it “mouse” color (my hari), that is the one thing, like many, I change on a regular basis, blonde, red, brown, just never to the extreme blond or black, jsut coz my skin color couldn’t handle it (I would look so washed out!).
Funny thing about make-up, I feel fake every time I wear it, but I am noticing that now, I need it more and more…and only wear some once in a while…I would love to be and feel beautiful, but am lazy and like you and others who commented, don’t want to feel fake. I think my mom brought me up that way, because I never feel any of my firends or other women look fake with make-up, or extensions, or contacts or whatever enhancer… 🙂
I think I felt most fake, but prettiest, was when I had my eating disorder. How sad. While I loved the attention I got (I dropped 20 lbs and got rid of my college years braces simultaneously) a part of my didn’t trust it. You weren’t interested in me when I was heavier with metal mouth, what do you want from me now. I’m the same person! Luckily my boyfriend has been with me through the past 20 lbs I put back on, and seen me through my recovery, and still tells me I’m perfect. Even if I can’t always believe that, I know he genuinely does. And more than I want to be skinny and pretty, I want to be loved unconditionally. So I’ll take it.
I can relate to his comment 100%!
*this
I’m too lazy to be beautiful. 🙂
I feel better when I wear makeup and my hair is freshly done – because I think I look better. But, on a day to day basis I would rather sleep late and be comfortable, so mostly I only bother when we’re going out on the weekend and I have time.
My hair is naturally red & curly. When I was younger it was a beautiful coppery colour, which has now darkened to auburn. For a while there, it seemed like every time I saw my mother she’d ask if I’d coloured my hair, and a few other people asked as well. But nope, it’s just my hair.
And I’ve had one of my male cousins and my father-in-law both make comments about how they didn’t like curly hair because they don’t think women should get perms or be fake (not those exact words, but that was the gist). Apparently it never occurred to them that curls can happen without perms or curling irons. Though to be fair, since my hair is curly, I do use the best products & techniques for curly hair that I can find. Is that cheating? I don’t know.
So you feel bad for fooling people with fake hair, and I have people thinking my real hair is fake. I think we just can’t win. 🙂
I had no idea about the extensions, but honestly I think your real hair looks great in that last picture 🙂 I think everyone has a little something they do to help them feel a little more beautiful, whether it’s a little extra concealer under your eyes or an extra fancy professional hair iron. (Actually, most of the things people do to themselves, other people probably don’t even notice that it’s not 100% “natural”, whatever that means!) In any case, I think it’s more about how you feel about yourself (should always love yourself!) than what you’re showing the world.
I totally knew there was going to be that sweet Charlotte disclaimer at the end that you aren’t hating on people who get extensions. 🙂
What’s funny is when you first posted those pictures for your Ellie review, I thought that was the most adorable you’d ever looked! Real you is the cutest!!!
I really do love this post Charlotte but at 55 – I WANT EVERYTHING thew docs & dermatologists & hairdressers can do! 🙂
Since I work at a medical spa, the staff got free botox and filler (Juvederm) as a Christmas bonus. So I figured, hey, it’s free, why not? The problem is…I really loved the “fake,” unwrinkled me, and I can’t afford to keep it up on my own. (The filler is still good three months later, but the botox has pretty much worn off.) And to be honest, no one else even seemed to notice, not even my husband, until I mentioned it.
So I guess my point is that it’s fine to enjoy being artificially “enhanced,” but it as some others have pointed out, it does tend to lead to a slippery slope, with being unhappy with one’s normal self and finding new flaws to “fix.” And to be honest, I’d much rather learn to be accepting of the way I am naturally. Especially since I can’t afford to keep “improving” myself!
You look amazing for having 5 kids!
I always love your posts. This one resonated with me so much. I think our “looks” are something we feel like we can control (to a certain extent). So if we are given the option to “look better” then why wouldn’t we.
I think you look beautiful but I also know that it doesn’t matter what others say, it is truly how you feel. There are so many aspects in one’s life that effect their self-esteem and your physical attractiveness gets the most attention.
I just suffered a miscarriage and its not my first or second time. I am a bit “numb” this go around but dealing with it as best I can. The reason I’m sharing this is because I decided to “indulge” in all the things one can’t do when they are pregnant – so I made a list: botox, teeth whitening, skin lighteners, etc. I’m not sure why other then this is the only thing I can control right now.
Please give yourself some credit for being a “normal” attractive woman who wants to feel pretty. I LOVE that you shared your story. Thank you!!!!
I think you are too hard on yourself, Charlotte. I don’t think enhancing what you already have is fake. You look wonderful, and you seem like a really nice person. I’ve never read one of your blogs and thought you sounded “fake”. I think you are more open and honest than most people.
Interesting post for me today, since I just went in yesterday to get my extensions moved up and have been basking in how great they look! I had never even heard of hair extensions when I told my hairdresser I wanted to grow my hair out but would keep cutting it at that really bad stage and she suggested the extensions. I have had them for almost a year and I love them. I never really think much about me being “fake” as I tell anyone who comments on my hair that I have extensions. But I agree with the above comments…if they weren’t making you feel good anymore than it’s time to take them out. This is one little beauty luxury I do for myself, and it has been fun and given me a small boost of confidence for whatever reason.
I have dyed my hair for ages now and started in grade 10- dying it very dark brown to cover my red. I hated it because people ridiculed it. Now I’m over that and slowly returning to a lighter colour but not my natural haha. I tint my eyebrows. But would never think to change my eye colour. I’d like a nose job though 😛
I totally get what you mean. Especially the whole thing about how sometimes doing something to enhance / fix can make the initial “issue” intensify (the way that eyebrows seem to get thicker after you’ve been plucking them – I’m pretty sure mine would be really frightening if I ever let them grow completely out at this point).
Thank you for sharing this Charlotte! Hugs.
First off, Charlotte, you are gorgeous–without all the extensions and other changes!! Second, I totally appreciate your honesty. Even more though, I like your integrity. A lot of people wouldn’t think twice about it being “the real me,” unless they actually hit the surgery stage. There’s so much pressure in our culture to “enhance our natural beauty” that we don’t even stop to think about how fake these efforts can be/become. Thanks for being a voice of reason, calling us to stop and notice, in this crazy world.
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” I’d become so caught up in the delusion of perfection that I’d hot glued someone else’s hair to my head.”
Thank you for that line. My laugh of the morning.
And yes, who hasn’t done weird-o stuff in an effort to look better. Everyone has, right? Right? Okay, well, at least I have. I have a similarish post in the works (meaning I’ve been mulling it over for a month and your post has given me the push to maybe (maybe) actually write it. 🙂
Gaye
Right here is the perfect site for anybody who wants to find out about this topic.
You realize so much its almost tough to argue with you (not
that I personally will need to…HaHa). You definitely put a fresh spin on
a topic that has been discussed for decades.
Wonderful stuff, just wonderful!
I love my extensions hair and lash and my airbrush tans! 🙂