Kim, no stranger to controversy, fired back at her critics in a recent interview, comparing the attacks to bullying and saying, “People can be so mean! It’s not cool. It’s not fair!”
As I read through the interview, I realized that Kim and I were currently suffering from the same thing: an attack of the “It’s not fair!”s. I’ve been whining about being overworked and underappreciated and she’s been whining about being publicly eviscerated and the net result has been a lot of tears, fist shaking and a lot of, oh yes, It’s not fair. And you know what? It isn’t fair. It never is. It’s just part and parcel of the mortal condition. We all know this. And yet injustice always stings. (Paging karma?)
I’ve actually never seen Kim’s reality show Keeping Up With the Kardashians (See me get all uppity about that? Coming down in 3…2…1…), but every once in a while I get really sucked into some tawdry reality show. And by addicted I mean I can’t stop watching until I’ve seen every available episode even if it means staying up until crazy hours of the morning and enduring endless repeats of the same idiotic Swiffer commercial. And I never manage to get addicted to something like, oh, Nova. No it’s always something juvenile and cheesy and poorly staged (“reality” my Pilates-honed hiney – as if every teen sits down their pregnant friend to ask her, “So, like, do you think you life is going to change now that you’re a mom?”). I won’t further humiliate myself by telling you past addictions (Dance Moms, Judge Judy, Catfish, 16 and Pregnant, People’s Court, I Used to Be Fat – oops that just slipped out) but Kim’s case of It’s-Not-Fair-itis reminded me of one dark night watching Teen Mom.
That night found me with my eyelids propped open with toothpicks, procrastinating a major article deadline, and watching the gazillionth episode – you might have seen it: it’s the one where a high-schooler with a funny accent (do only southern girls get knocked up?) and an adorable innocent baby realizes her boyfriend is a d-bag and her friends don’t want to hang out with her anymore because all she does is whine about her kid and parenting is a lot harder than she thought? – when a profound thought came to my mind. How do they all have such skinny thighs like 2 weeks after popping out a baby? It’s not fair!
I sat up and slapped myself. For the love of little green apples, I’m watching a 16-year-old high school dropout get “proposed to” by her teen-aged “boyfriend” and I have the gall to say “It’s not fair”?! Thank heavens you have those cellulite-free skinny thighs, sister! Use them to walk yourself right out of that trailer park! (Yes, I know what he said about y’all havin’ your own home an’ finally bein’ a famly an’ all but trust me, he’s sleeping with your best friend who also believes the pull-n-pray method is birth control.)
That wasn’t the first time I’d been sideswiped by an “It’s not fair” attack but it was the first time I cognitively realized how idiotic I sounded. Usually the attacks sneak up on me when I’m feeling particularly low about myself. Like when I see a family whose kids all sit quietly through church. Or when I see a friend’s gorgeous new house (or new boobs, ahem). Or when my husband goes to work and has 9 hours to himself while I’m at home working without the benefit of childcare. Or when I see a really thin woman eating a waffle cone with 3 scoops of ice cream at the mall, pushing infant triplets in a stroller. Heck I even think it’s not fair looking at celebs on magazines knowing full well that they’ve been photoshopped within an inch of their lives, not to mention they’ve been on a diet since they were 5 and all they eat are granola bars and yogurt. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve probably even looked at Kim K’s glorious glossy hair and muttered it’s not fair under my breath.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who sings the “It’s not fair” blues sometimes – it’s normal to want something better – but I’ve found that if I don’t stop them right away, they can send me into a serious funk for a long time. By golly I’ve listened to enough country songs to know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wanting what I don’t have (looking at you Garth Brooks!) So in honor of Kim and not-skinny pregnant women everywhere, here are some strategies that I’ve found help me combat an It’s Not Fair Attack:
1. Identify the “It’s not fair” attack for what it is. Sometimes it just takes recognizing what you’re doing and acknowledging the futility of that train of thought to stop the cycle.
2. Focus on wanting what you have, not having what you want. It’s may be a cliche but it’s a cliche because it’s true. Counting my blessings is a one-way ticket back to happyville. It works so well that I actually keep a gratitude journal and write down three things I’m grateful for every evening.
3. Help someone else. Not only does it help you appreciate what you have but it makes you feel so good that you forget all about what you were worrying about before.
4. Do something else. I’m a magpie – oooh shiny! – so distraction usually works well for me. Playing the piano, calling a friend, tickling my kids, wasting an hour on Facebook… you know, whatever it takes. Actually maybe don’t go on Facebook – that sight has single-handedly launched more It’s Not Fair attacks than any in history, I’m guessing. Better yet, find something that makes you smile. Like right now I have a serious case of the grins because I got to look through Reader Cheeky Pinky‘s glorious wedding photos! (I hope you don’t mind the link, Beck, but I had to share because you are SO CUTE! I’ve never met you but any girl who uses baby hedgehogs as a cake topper is instantly my bestie.) Weddings. Babies. Cute old couples. I don’t mean to be a total girl here but they never fail to make me smile until my cheeks hurt!
5. Reason through it. During a really pernicious attack, sometimes I’m so far deep into my own self-pity that I can’t do the above tactics. So instead I call up my sister and she helps me take apart my simplistic thought and understand why I’m really upset. It turns out I wasn’t really jealous of the mall mom’s physique but rather I felt slobby and incompetent as a mom with my screaming kids and sweat pants and to me her perfect body represented the super-organized and put-together mom I wish I was. Plus, Super Mom probably has her bad days too. Maybe she’s chugging that ice cream because the triplets kept her up all night and she can’t have a Diet Coke because she’s nursing (oh land, can you imagine breastfeeding triplets?) and so she’s going for a sugar rush? Eh, I know it’s a stretch but it makes me feel better.
Do you have an “it’s not fair” trigger? How do you survive an attack? What is your go-to source for no-fail grins? What do you think about the non-stop Kim Kardashian body snarking – cruel bullying or warranted since she makes her living being gossip fodder??
P.S. If you need another reason to smile, check out Kid History vids. They’re not terribly new but if you haven’t seen them they’ll make you laugh until you pee.
(Click through to watch the video if you are reading this via your reader or e-mail!)
I’ll admit it, I despise all things Kardashian. (As I’ve pointed out elsewhere, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of the most evil alien races encountered by Capt. Picard et al on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” were called the CARDASSIANS!) But I don’t think the body snarking is cool. At all. And I think the media should be ashamed of themselves for the focus they put on women’s bodies in general, but especially pregnant/postpartum women.
My whiner triggers are legion: When Hubby goes out on Friday night to rock climb with his friends (because I have no friends and no social life. Probably because I complain too much.) When I see a woman on screen paired up romantically with a man who’s at least a decade older and no one bats an eye, AND the fact that we never see the reverse. If I have to watch reality TV (other than cooking/singing/dancing shows, where folks have to rely on talent and skill and not backstabbing). And, yes, when I see thin moms. Because I am fat, and nothing I’ve done over the past 4 1/2 years since I became fat has changed that fact. I fear I am going to be fat for the rest of my life. And anxious. And depressed. And that I’ll never figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
And, yes, I would like help with childcare.
So that’s when I click on over to LOLCats/Dogs/The Daily Squee. Or watch “Corgi Stampede” over and over on YouTube, because it’s impossible to be sad while watching a herd of corgi puppies run straight toward the camera. 🙂
Haha I just smiled just THINKING about a corgi stampede! And this: “And, yes, when I see thin moms. Because I am fat, and nothing I’ve done over the past 4 1/2 years since I became fat has changed that fact. I fear I am going to be fat for the rest of my life. And anxious. And depressed. And that I’ll never figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
And, yes, I would like help with childcare.” makes me want to hug you…
I’ll take it!!!!!
The hug. 🙂
I get ‘it’s not fair’ attacks too–triggered by anything ranging from a traffic jam (and there’re lots here) to my favorite sushi place being closed (that was the best sushi place I found in all of Delhi)! However, it’s easier to get things into perspective when there are ragamuffin children who beg for money on most traffic lights.
I kinda avoid the North American tabloid gossip now that I live in India, but I feel bad for Kim Kardashian if they’re being mean about her pregnancy. A famous Indian actress called Aishwarya Rai was pregnant sometime back and gained a bit of weight–the Indian press was horrible to her.
I don’t know if I feel better or worse that pregnant-lady snarking isn’t limited to the US… But that’s awesome you avoid the tabloids! I really need to start doing that…
I try to focus on something I CAN change. It may not the be thing bugging me, and it may not be something I can change overnight, but being able to change SOMETHING helps.
And it’s not fair and it’s not ok that Kim Kardashian is being treated so differently from the princess, but what did she really expect? KK made herself famous with what, a sex tape? And maintained it by making herself a sex symbol famous only for her looks and body (and vapidness). And she’s surprised that she’s being held to a different standard than a literal princess? KK herself had definitely fed into the mindset that women are only valuable for their looks and sex, and the tabloid body snarking. Hopefully this is a wakeup call to her.
Oooh good idea! That is exactly how my closets get organized!!! And yeah, maybe this will help change her for the better… but I’m not holding my breath, lol.
NUMBER THREE.
it got me through packing moving unpacking and living here 😉
and it realllly helps reframe the seven year old’s perspective too.
I love that you used it as a teaching moment for both of you:) *takes notes for future reference*
Every morning I tell myself how amazing it is that I’m able to have a fresh-brewed cup of coffee from the rainforest, an orange, and two pastured eggs, all in the comfort of a warm, clean dining room. From the viewpoint of History, I’ve hit the jackpot. I remind myself of that when I’m singing the It’s-Not-Fair Song about whatever “unfairness” I’m suffering.
As far as KK, it’s totally fair. The way she’s lived her life, what other reaction could she possibly expect?
This: “From the viewpoint of History, I’ve hit the jackpot.” is SO TRUE. I kind of want this on a t-shirt now.
Yep there are plenty of things in life that are not fair
It’s not fair that Kim makes soooo much money by constantly demonstrating how little talent she has. She would say its not fair that the press compares her to an actual princess and finds her wanting.
So you can either indulge in a pity poor me party or follow those 5 great tips, and just get on with it
I seem to get more reminders of this now that my boys are older. I just tell them that it is a learning experience! Funny how we never completely “out-grow” the “it’s not fair” syndrome.
True story! You’d think this is something that as adults we’d have all figured out… /sigh
I had no idea that the Kardashian girl was pregnant!!!! Living in our RV is a lot like living under a rock and I love it!!!! The older I get the less I struggle with “It’s not fair.” I really am most of the time very content and super grateful for my life so much so that my bigger struggle is being afraid of losing what I have. I’m speaking of people, health, and our freedom to travel as we please not material things because we don’t own much. Once it a great while I’ll think of Brent traveling in band in his 20s and if I’m feeling especially tired from homeschooling, cooking, etc (you know) I’ll feel like it’s not fair that he got to follow that dream and I was taking care of babies in my 20s. It usually passes very quickly and the thing that helps the most is to think of my true purpose and remember this physical life is only temporary….see the big picture. (please ignore typos I’m on my phone) 🙂
I love SO much about this comment. This: “so much so that my bigger struggle is being afraid of losing what I have.” is so true and every once in a while I’m paralyzed by this same fear. Especially with my kids. You know, when you love someone so so much, the possibility of losing them is… overwhelming. And this: ” is to think of my true purpose and remember this physical life is only temporary….see the big picture.” is beautiful. So well said!
We drive by a Housing Hope apartment complex on the way to work each morning and that’s when I have my it’s not fair moment. It’s not fair that these girls got knocked up as teenagers and now the government is paying for their apartment and food stamps and I have to wait until it’s fiscally responsible to have a baby. But I just have to remember that I have a really good life and the babies will come and I have a husband to take care of me so I don’t need welfare. Which is pretty good, I guess :p
And, oh my gosh. That wedding dress. Every inch was something interesting and beautiful!
Wasn’t it?? She’s a wedding/party planner for her day job and you can definitely see she has a gift for it! And good for you for being responsible for your kiddos even before you have them!
Excellent tips!
I’d been feeling a bit smug about getting much better about this over the past few years, until I thought about it and realized that it’s probably more about the fact that I’m spectacularly fortunate! And the whole “life isn’t fair” thing is, for some reason, working to my advantage and giving me way more goodies than I could conceivably deserve. To waste a second manufacturing made-up reasons to feel aggrieved would be totally stupid in my case.
But I really do feel for people who ARE actually dealing with unfairness! I just don’t happen to be one of ’em anymore.
And I am so happy that you have made your way to this place! I know it hasn’t been an easy road for you:)
I’m the queen of it’s not fair. I don’t know at what point I got it in my head that things should be exactly how I want them to be, but it’s there and I have a hard time dealing with things when they don’t go my way. I’m working on getting better at accepting things the way they are but it’s a slow process for sure.
Just recognizing what you’re doing is a huge step – I think you’re better at this than you know;)
I’ve been a lot of “it’s not fair” moments since I lost my job. I try to take a step back and recognize how I am blessed, job or no job. As my mom used to say, “life is not fair.” Gosh, I miss my mom. It’s not fair that she died so young . . . .
As far as Kim is concerned, she needs to get over it. She has made her very good living in the public eye and this is all part of that. Plus, she doesn’t exactly wear the most flattering clothes.
I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry that you lost both your mom and your job – that is some seriously hard stuff. And if anyone has a right to say “it’s not fair” it’s you:) ((hugs))
Well I’m sure that this is probably a bit bigger than not having thin thighs (I’d kill for abs-I’m human), but as a now 27 year old woman, who was perinatally infected with HIV, and lost my mother to AIDS at the age of 5, I feel like I could write the book on “It’s not fair.” But I learned to remind myself that “It could always be worse.” My father is still with me (though is battling 2 types of cancer), I have a wonderful job with supportive co-workers, two degrees (at 22), an amazing boyfriend who I will be moving in with next month :D, and am currently considered “undetectable” (HIV cannot be detected through a blood test- however, this is not a cure, this is managing the disease). I am lucky. And I say that with sincerity.
It kind of annoys me when people complain about trivial crap, blasting it on facebook like people should feel bad for them. Granted, I have my days, but there is always someone who has it truly worse than me, than you, and I try to remember that. There’s a line from a Kate Nash song, “but i wont regret cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.” And that’s how I have survived, and thrived. Although everyone’s entitled to a pity party now and again, I wish people would realize they don’t have to be a victim to their circumstances.
Sorry for getting so serious on ya. XO -C.
Don’t apologize! This comment is beautiful from beginning to end and I’m so glad you shared a part of your story. And yes, it sounds like if anyone has a “right” to say it’s not fair, it’s you. So it means even more that you’ve worked so hard to overcome that instinct! Thanks for the reminder and for (cheeseball alert) being you!
As someone who gained 40+ lbs while pregnant and felt pretty icky about it, I don’t think it’s “fair” or helpful to criticize a woman while pregnant. That said, the Kardashians have built an empire around Kim’s body – her booty, her hair, her chest – and for most of us, all we know her for us standing on a step & repeat, being on the cover of magazines like US Weekly, and so on – and when you build your career around your looks and then your look changes dramatically, for whatever reason, people are bound to talk about it.
Totally agree with point number 2 about being contempt with what you have. My grandma used to tell me a story when I was younger. I don’t know if its true but it’s the moral of the story that is important.
Basically to cut a long story short, there was once an old man who’s shoes where ripped and battered and he always used to pray for new shoes but he never got them.
So as you can imagine he was upset and used the “It’s not fair” approach to life until one day he walked past someone in his ripped shoes and the person he walked past did not have any feet.
It was at this point the old man realized that he should be contempt with what he has because there is always someone who is worse off.
An enjoyable post, thanks.
I think Western culture in general could do with a big shot of empathy and consideration into how difficult life can really be.
When a massive percentage of the global population doesn’t even have access to clean drinking water or food to feed their families it seems our “1st world problems” are insignificant.
Be thankful for what you have and help others that are less fortunate than you.
So much of what I belly-ache about translates to “first-world problems”. FWP as a refrain is as cliche as any other these days, but man, it’s true, right? I try(and often fall short) to see the ceaseless juggling of family, work, and “me” time as an illustration of the richness of my life: wow, I’ve got a fabu husband, interesting daughters, a forum for my writing, and an outlet for my teaching-self; eh, sometimes somebody or something gets dropped, for the most part – so far anyway – everyone seems to bounce, not splat when that happens…
All of us have our “it’s not fair” moments in life. It’s important that we see the good things in life, and be greatful for all what we have.
A timely article to remind us to cherish what we have in life…..not what we don’t!
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