So we bought a house! And I LOVE IT!! (Pics to come!) After an excruciating day of looking at dozens of progressively crappier houses (true story: one house said it “needed a little TLC” but when we got there the ceiling was caved in and there was a massive crack in the foundation… it didn’t need TLC, it needed demolition), I had a very Carly Rae Jeppson moment. As soon as I saw the last house I busted out with so I just met you, and this is crazy but here’s my number, I’ll buy you baby! My husband was a little alarmed at my immediate love for the house and insisted we think about it over night – which meant I woke up every hour terrified that someone else had swooped in at midnight and stolen “my house.” But all was fine in the morning and the house is now in the process of becoming ours (after the 30 years on our mortgage runs out, natch). With a huge sigh of relief, I took out my pen and marked “buy house” off my to-do list. Best moment of my day.
Unfortunately just as I was musing over my love for list making, I came across a Facebook post from a friend who was (justifiably) upset about something I’d done. Worst moment of my day. Call it the Amanda Bynes syndrome: Nothing like the glaring light of social media to make you see yourself differently! Especially at 11:30 at night. When I first saw my friend’s status update on Facebook, my heart froze in my chest. Immediately I knew it was about me and I knew it wasn’t good. Fear, anger, sadness, and defensiveness all shot through me like electricity as tears sprung to my eyes.
But as the feelings settled I was left with just one: disappointment, in myself. People say negative things about me on a fairly regular basis but most of the time I can dismiss them without too much pain by realizing that the person doesn’t really know me and their comments are more a function of who they are than who I am. Except in this case, my friend knew me very well. And she was right about me. As much as I wanted to rage, “but that’s not me! I’m not like that!” the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only was she right about me in this instance but it wasn’t the only time I’d done something like this. The worst part was that it had all kind of happened by accident – I’d become someone I didn’t like and I didn’t even see it happening until I’d hurt someone close to me.
Any realization that comes in the darkest hours of the night is tough but this one was particularly so. These past couple of weeks (er, months) have been really trying. When I look back at this time in my life – that is, if I haven’t blocked it out – I think I’ll be amazed at how I juggled a huge move, my job, my kids and a cat that farts gas so noxious she wilts foliage, without killing anyone or being committed. (We should have named her Agent Orange. Why did no one warn me about cats and their SBDs?!) But right now all I feel is tiiiired. My instinct in times like this is to hang on to everything like a pitbull, not allowing anything to drop and just telling myself I’m going to gut it out until every last thing on my to-do list is done. (Did I mention the moving truck is coming tomorrow? I have “pack whole house” on my to-do list for tomorrow. Sigh.)
Do you have a to-do list? A little about mine: it’s low-tech on a lined notepad with two columns. On the left hand side I write down everything that I need to do. On the right hand side I jot notes about things I don’t want to forget like blog post ideas, birthday present ideas, lessons I’m planning and little pictures and diagrams that help me clarify my thoughts. This notepad comes with me everywhere and I’ve very attached to it. I’m also kind of proud of it – every lifestyle guru says that is one of the primary tools of success and while I don’t follow much advice from gurus at least I’ve got this one down. Even writing something down on my list feels like a small accomplishment.
My dark-of-the-night epiphany after mulling over my friend’s Facebook post: I need a to-be list. There’s nothing wrong with having a to-do list – I’ve lost 10 IQ points with each baby so heaven knows my list is a necessity – but there’s also no point in having a to-do list if it isn’t leading you anywhere. Looking over my to-do list, I realized that while every single thing on there felt So! Important! to me, very few of them would have any impact on me in a year and even less so in five years. (Okay, except the whole moving business. That’s going to basically affect my kids for the rest of their born days. Not that I’m sitting up nights thinking about that. Yes I am.) And you know what wasn’t on my to-do list? Things like watching Jelly Bean try to eat a popsicle without ever touching the cold part or making a fort out of boxes with my boys or having a quiet moment with my husband. Sure I was adding and crossing off hundreds of tasks but what was I really doing other than running faster in my hamster wheel? As my friend had showed me, I was doing a lot but I wasn’t becoming much. Call it the Ernest Hemmingway syndrome: Nothing like the glaring light of pen and paper to make you see yourself differently.
So I sat down and wrote out a list of what I want to be, in no particular order. (I had to limit it to 10 because I’ll make lists all night if you let me.)
1. Kind & Compassionate
2. Honest
3. A loving wife
4. An attentive mother
5. A wise teacher and a wiser student
6. An inspiring writer
7. A daughter of God
8. Healthy
9. A genuine friend
10. In the Cirque du Soleil
Comparing my lists side by side I realized that almost nothing on the to-do list was getting me any closer to the items on my to-be list. Not only that but quite a few of my to-do’s were making me into someone I didn’t want to be. Let’s be honest (ha!) and look at my list. Other than #7, which is a gimme, I’m a long ways off from being who I want to be. As I sat mired in my own blindness (and distracted by a strange poop smell that turned out to be a two-day old yogurt cup that had gotten wedged behind the door – gah) I started to realize what is not on my to-be list: Skinny. Beautiful. Cut abs. Perfect thighs. And yet how much time do I devote to thinking about those things? Um, an embarrassing amount.
First task was to add a different #10, because let’s face face it, that ship has sailed. Because sewing vintage dresses, playing the piano, doing crossword puzzles, reading and cooking all make me happy (even if I’m bad at them, which I am), my new #10 is “well rounded.” I started looking down my to-do list and anything that didn’t get me closer to my to-be list got crossed off. I was surprised at how much got scratched out. (Although I later added “laundry” back on. Sigh.)
The next day, instead of doing more work, I took my kids, bought two bouquets of flowers and went to apologize to my friends for what I’d done (#2 and #9). And then I took my kids to the Farmer’s Market (#4 and #8) where I had visions of letting them wallow in all the fresh organic produce I could buy until we got there and I realized we still live in Minnesota, not California and therefore the only things the farmers are currently selling are jerky, honey, homemade soap and bread priced at $6 a loaf. So we got a loaf of bread and had expensive toast for lunch, saying a prayer thanking God (#7) for Chilean grapes, Alaskan salmon and the biodiesel that’s keeping Minnesota farmers in business since nothing else grows here but corn and soybeans.
I make a lot of mistakes. A lot. But never say I don’t learn from them (#5)!
Any other list-makers out there? What’s on your “to-be list”? Anyone else ever bought a house after seeing it once??
*I know I didn’t come up with the concept of to-do versus to-be lists but heaven help me I can’t remember now where I got that from. If you know, feel free to link it in the comments!
Dearest Charlotte, I don’t know you, which is why being a blog reader is often confusing. I feel as if I know you, but we’ve never met, and you wouldn’t know me from Adam (or Eve, as the case may be.) I just want you to know that I find you extraordinarily honest, and kind. Yes, that is only what you allow me to see as a writer, but I don’t believe it’s all that easy to fake compassion, kindness, gratitude, and generosity of soul – it’s something that has to be cultivated over a long period of time.
Be well!
Kat
Ha! Number 4 on that bucket list literally had me spitting out my drink.
Funniest house we ever visited was what my husband and I call “the dolls house”. It was a house in miniature: tiny door, ceilings so low we couldn’t stand up straight in the living room, a staircase so weeny my slim-to-average frame nearly got wedged. The ceiling for the bedroom had sloping sides and was so low – about half the normal height, and I’m not referencing high stud here – you had to launch yourself from the staircase to the bed in order to get into the room. Best of all was a real estate agent showing us around like there was nothing weird about the house at all. I have to give him credit.
I’ve seen it dozens of times since, but at the time that we put in the bid for the house which we’re still waiting for (short sale), we had only been in The House for a grand total of 10 minutes. Unless the inspection shows that it’s ready to get swallowed into the bowels of the earth by a giant sinkhole, I still want it.
Have you ever read “Jane of Lantern Hill” by L.M. Montgomery? The way she just knows a house is to be hers is how I hope to recognize my house…which, I have recognized a few during my lifetime. Problem is, they seem to get torn down when I go back to gaze and dream about someday living there. That makes them sound like they’re meth houses or something, doesn’t it? Alas, they’re simply old houses with a glorious yard that get torn down for stupid cookie-cutter neighborhoods. 🙁 I just need to move to P.E.I.
Those moments where you get a cold dose of reality? I’m grateful you were humble enough to see what was going on and made amends for it. I love you more for sharing that.
Love this. And how about seeing a house NO times before buying? I was dead set on this one neighborhood, and it was the only house available, so my husband flew down and put in an offer. I didn’t see it in person until after closing. No regrets!
I don’t think your friend should have called you out on fb. I don’t care what you did, it is not cool to publicly shame someone! But anyway, What a great idea, to write a “to be” list. I often get caught up in thinking I should do more and then feel guilty when I don’t. I think a “to be” list could be really grounding for that impulse.
I’m sure someone has already told you this – but I heard it first in General Conference a few years ago:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/what-manner-of-men-and-women-ought-ye-to-be?lang=eng
Charlotte, I love your idea of a to-be list! But at work I would never survive my day without a to-do list! On the house note, we put in an offer on ours right after we left from seeing it. When I walked in, I knew it was perfect for us. Also, it was very mature of you to apologize to your friend, but I wish she hadn’t called you out on facebook. That is not cool. It should have been between you two and not public.
Wow. This is definitely something to think about. I definitely rock the “to do” lists (although mine is a lot more chaos and typically in my brain), but that “to be” list is a good question. I think a lot of my to dos coincide, but I haven’t really thought about it that way.
Also – we saw our house once and then bought. We put in our offer and it was accepted 2 hours before someone else’s came in for full asking price. Talk about timing! No regrets, love the house!
I love the idea of a to-be list! I love lists of all sorts and often write things on my list after the fact just so I can mark them out!!
Great post! I just started reading your blog so I am not sure if you have mentioned it in the past, but a great book and blog is by Gretchen Ruben, The Happiness Project and http://www.happiness-project.com. Your blog reminded me a lot of things similar to what she has covered as well. Highly recommend if you have not read it. Thank you for yours and safe travels to Colorado!
Hi Charlotte,
Regarding #10, I’m in Albuquerque and I know that Denver has a pretty flourishing aerial/acroyoga community because people down here are always driving up to Denver for the weekend to do things. Check out http://www.aerialdanceoverdenver.com and http://www.aerialfabric.com and just google acro yoga groups. There’s a bunch of them. Aaaaand if you ever make it down to the Albuquerque/Santa Fe area, I’d love to introduce you to our crazy aerialist group at Albuquerque Aerialist Collective.
Oh cool, Charlotte, you can add it back as #11!
Congrats on the house! That is a huge thing to cross off a list!
Also, I hate social networking sites for exactly that reason. No one should call out a “friend” in public like that. It’s tacky. No matter what you may have inadvertently done a real friend should have privately expressed her hurt to you. I read that account and said aloud, “Put your big girl pants on and talk to Charlotte face to face, lady…” So many people revert to middle school behavior when using it, yuck.
Good luck in your move, in your life, and hang in there.
Yay! House! I think when you know, you know. I have many many friends that bought their houses on a whim, half weren’t even really looking so much as browsing.
I saw Cirque recently, and it was spectacular. I saw Amaluna, which is like 60% women or something, and it basically inspired me to do more stretching, and strength training, those women were so hardcore, I loved it.
Andddd, I’m not saying you were in the right (because I obviously don’t know the circumstances- nor am I asking), but if your friend was annoyed with you, s/he should have spoken to you about it, not called you out on on Facebook- particularly as I cannot imagine you were in any way being malicious (you honestly always seem like one of the kindest bloggers), and so giving you a chance to apologize in person/provide an explanation would have been the right thing to do. That is one of the many, many reasons why I don’t do facebook. The other big thing is too much “keeping up with the joneses”, instead of just doing what I think is best for me.
I should work on a to-be list, I think it would be better for me than a to do list…though I bet some things on the list would overlap. E.g. Be a volunteer, be a traveller, be a runner instead of volunteer more, travel to x places, run two 10ks this summer, etc. To do lists also seem more definite, and can have checkmarks. How could I put a checkmark beside be a better sister? It would be a lifelong project, and boy, do I love me a checkmark beside a to-do.
First – LOVE that first list & I am going to share – we all need to laugh! 🙂
Second.. we all have done this Charlotte! I beat myself up all the time for not learning the lessons but thankfully another day comes around to try again… love your to be list!
HUGS!!!
good luck with the move! i’ll miss you guys at the library.
when i was house hunting i almost talked myself into what i lovingly referred to as the “hobbit” house. at 5’1 i was the only one who could walk through the upstairs of the house without ducking!
btw- if you haven’t already, switch the cat to natural cat food – one who’s first ingredients isn’t corn. my cat had the same SBD problem and when i went from the cheap kibble to the expensive natural food, it went away instantly.
Kudos for finding a house so quickly! We have been actively looking and putting offers on houses since August!!! We have gone so far as to put offers (full price offers most of the time!) on houses just based on the photos, not even seeing it in person first!!! Bummer, we keep getting outbid. 🙁
I’m a veteran mover. 9 times in my 7 years of marriage and we’re trying to move AGAIN (only this time we wouldn’t be renting!!!) Best of luck with your move!
Oh, and that to-do list… HILARIOUS!!! I couldn’t stop giggling! I had to re-read it a few times just to keep the giggles going. LOVE!
I had a vividly orange marmalade foster cat who showed up at random on the doorstep of some acquaintances who I named Agent Orange. He had a terrific presence about him and got adopted quickly. I’ll tag you in a picture of him on facebook when I remember.
I love the lists. There may be a process to go back and forth between the two lists because probably some of the “to do” items help with goals that you may want on your “to be” list.
Don’t beat yourself up over comments on facebook – says more about them really than you i think.
From your post i think you are pretty much covered 1 to 9
You could probably cover 10 by being in the audience – its pretty much “being in” when you are there. You gotta go!!
Top of my list is being a great husband and father – takes a lot of constant work but getting there!
HUGS HUGS HUGS as you know I totally get it.
xoxo
Try as hard as we want, there will always be a ‘wake up call’ that brings us back to reality…acknowledge and move on (which sounds like you did!)
I’m a huge list maker! I’m also the person that takes the list of birthdays for the year and buys all the cards at once (Dollar Tree and Dollar General – not Hallmark!) and then I sit and sign all the cards and address & stamp them all, and they are in a box in chronological order on my desk to have notes or gift cards added when time to mail. I* know, takes the idea of a list to a whole new level. But I LOVE receiving cards in the mail, therefore, I assume everyone else does too.
As for a To Be list…years ago I took a Franklin Covey Time Management Course for work, and as part of the course they had us take an afternoon to write up a personal mission statement – the To Be list of today. I still have this list, I carry it in my work calendar to remind me of what is truly important – and it looks a lot like your list 🙂
Good luck with you move! Happy Travels to your gorgeous new state ((((hugs))))
Congrats on buying a house! That is amazing! And huge!
And secondly love this idea! Beautiful. I’m so sorry you had that happen, I’ve had similar things where a friend has called me out and I’ve realised “she’s right”. Feels crappy. Way to put it in perspective and make it a positive.
*ok, your list minus the “In the Cirque du Soleil” ….they creep me out, like clown creepy!
Congrats on your new house Charlotte! And Welcome to CO!
That first item on the first to-do list reminded me of a guy at a sushi restaurant who filled one of the soy sauce bottles with flat cola. When his family came in for lunch he popped the top off the bottle and drank the whole thing down.
The look on their faces was priceless!
Hooray for the house. Good luck with everything!! Moving is so tough, and I don’t even have one child! HUGS to you. I like what you’re already being, and love that you’re always aspiring to more. Very inspiring! xoxo
Ok, this is my very favorite post of yours in AGES! Funny but honest and not very flip.
It’s making me think about what I want to be! (that’s a good thing).
LOVE!
I had looked at the house we live in for about 10 minutes. LAUGHED at it! Made jokes about it. But when it came time to buy a house, it was the best choice on the market. And I’ve lived here longer than anyplace else except my childhood home.
The first house we bought, I knew would be ours right away. I call it instinct, or intuition, but sometimes you just KNOW.
And I LOVE the idea of a “To Be list”!
I just finished a book you might like. It’s a novel called “The Pull of the Moon” by Elizabeth Berg. It’s a quick read, less than 200 pages.
Maybe after the move, lol!
Sending you HUGS.
<3 <3 <3
Nice list! congrats on the house – good luck with the move!
Can’t wait to see your pictures:)
Love this post! Yes, I’m a list girl too 🙂
Dam it! I’m a sucker for lists too! Now I’ve got to write my “to be” list instead of writing a very long (and of course interesting) article about being flexible!
1. I wanna be a slug.. (it’s a UK thing)
2.
You know I am ALL about the to do lists. Think I might try out this little exercise though as I’m sure my “to do-ing” could use a restructure…
I saw my condo several times before I bought it, but it was the only one I went to see and I knew the moment that I walked in the door that I would put in an offer 🙂
Happy house buying!
I love this post, it is so honest and inspiring. I am definitely a list maker, I have plenty of to-do lists as well as a to-be list of sorts but the former definitely outweighs the latter. Your post has put into perspective for me which way my focus should flow. Thanks for sharing.
And yes, I have brought a house after seeing it just once. My Mum brought one after seeing it online!
A “to-be” list! What a fantastic idea! I really liked everything you had to put on there. I agree: the to-do list often doesn’t reflect the to-be list. Definitely a reflection of our culture and on-the-go mentality. Kudos to you for sitting down and getting some perspective!
And congrats on the house!
Congrats on the house! Though, I’m a little sad that I never got to meet you since we’re (currently) both in the southern Twin Cities!
I’m a huge to-do list maker, especially at work. I find that I never get much done on my at-home list (cleaning, organizing, etc.) because I’m WAY too busy volunteering and spending time with my husband and stepson. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I do have a cluttered house and car because of it. Oops.
I love the idea of a to-be list. The more lists, the better! I’ll add it to the to-do list, shopping lists, bucket lists, etc.
Hopefully things are better between you and your friend(s).
Okay, I have to admit that my favorite line in your whole post is about losing 10 IQ points with every child. Seriously, people told me that I’d get these back within about 6 months postpartum…what the heck were they talking about??
In all seriousness though, I love your post. Great way to help focus on what really matters NOW. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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