“Don’t you know how many calories are in that?”
“Should you really be eating that?”
“But you have such a pretty face…”
“I’m just being honest for your own good. I’m concerned about your health!”
Despite what shows like The Biggest Loser and shrieking harpies like Meme Roth contend, shaming people – no matter how politely or well-intended you do it! – is not an effective weight loss tool. And yet books, talk shows, diet gurus and more magazine articles than I care to count advocate shaming your loved ones, friends, casual acquaintances and even perfect strangers into losing the extra poundage. These days it is even fashionable to shame yourself a la Oprah Winfrey’s I’m-200-pounds magazine cover confessional and Kristie Alley’s “coming out” about her unpardonable sin of backsliding on a diet and regaining the lost weight. It’s gotten so bad that one ethics professor, Daniel Callahan, published an editorial detailing his three-pronged approach to curing obesity – one of which was “increased social pressure on the overweight”, a tactic he likened to the campaign against smoking.
Fat shaming – whether we do it to others or ourselves – has one huge downfall: people are only temporarily motivated by negative consequences. Psychologists have long known that while punishment can bring about quick change, it isn’t often lasting change. And in the world of health and weight loss, lasting change is the only thing that matters. In fact, riding the weight roller coaster is actually worse for you than just staying heavy. If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement – most powerfully in the form of love – is the only thing that makes sense. How do I know this? Because science.
A new study published in PLoS one showed that people who felt they were being shamed about their weight not only didn’t lose weight but ended up gaining more weight than their similarly sized peers who didn’t feel shamed. The researchers looked at 6,157 Americans over four years and found that people who experienced discrimination due to their weight were 2.5 times more likely to be obese by the end of the study (or 3 times more likely to stay obese) than their non-shamed peers.
This reminded me of one of the worst PR pitches I’ve ever gotten. Now, in the realm of PR pitches which are already notorious for being bad, this one was bottom of the barrel. It read: “Thought this might be interesting for your blog! I was editor of the book.” Included was the link to the book which I am not going to name for reasons that will soon become apparent. Aside from the fact that if her e-mail writing skills are any indication of her editorial skills then there is little hope for the book, her pitch was impersonal and brief to the point of being non-informative. It is not my practice to slam PR people or the companies they represent as I believe negativity breeds only more negativity but just reading the sample chapters of this book made my blood boil like very few things do. It’s all about how to shame, guilt, cajole and otherwise harass yourself and others into losing weight. It’s about making it into a war between “us” and “them.”
The gist of the book is to define a multitude of ways that thin people think differently than fat people. This in and of itself is not a bad concept – other authors like Dr. Judith Beck have used this technique with much success and kindness – the problem is in the way this Book I Shall Not Give Any Publicity To By Naming It separates the thin from the fat. Here is the opening salvo in the “war” they declare on fat:
“Fat people have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their own behavior, so they blame their diet. That’s no different than a college graduate begging for money on the street and then blaming the school for his failure to succeed.”
I believe he just said that fat people are morally flawed, unable to accept responsibility for their own behavior. Does it matter that fat people routinely hold down jobs that require a great deal of responsibility? Or that they responsibly raise children? Or responsibly serve in their community? Somebody better tell Oprah that she’s better off begging in the streets.
Here are some sample tips with which to self-flagellate:
“Fat people believe diets don’t work. Fit people believe people don’t work.” That’s right – it’s not the diet that’s flawed, it’s you! This hones in on one oversimplification that the weight-loss industry loves to make: that if you just try hard enough you will lose weight. And that may true in the short term. It’s hardly ever true in the long term. There are a lot of contributing factors to losing weight and only one of them is raw willpower.
“Fat people believe 99% compliance is good. Fit people believe 99% compliance is failure.” The book goes on further to say, “Get tough and hold your feet to the fire. 99% compliance is failure. If you’re going to get fit, it’s all or nothing.” I ask you: how often has all-or-nothing thinking actually worked for you? Or anyone you know? Brittle people break. And I say that knowing that I am one. Also, if you comply with your diet 99% of the time, I daresay it will work for you. It absolutely is not failure. Any step towards better health should be considered a success.
I could go on but you get the point. It’s cruel, infuriating and trite. Yet the thing that bothers me most is how ubiquitous this approach is. It’s not just this one book. It’s endemic in our culture. And it’s what leads people to say things like, “Because I’m fat I’m gross and disgusting.” or “It doesn’t matter what I succeed at in life – no matter if I’m a good mother or a rock star or a CEO, if I’m fat I’m a failure.” or even “If were skinny, then I would be loved.” This breaks my heart.
Fat People are People First
For some reason, especially when it comes to weight and appearance, we seem to focus on the adjective before the personhood. This is evidenced by the multitudes of letters to various advice columnists asking some incarnation of “I’m not attracted to my significant other anymore because they’ve turned into a fat cow so how do I make them lose weight?” I hate these kinds of letters because they reduce a person – a person that you once loved enough to make some level of commitment to – to one single attribute. I’m not saying that it isn’t okay or even loving to want a loved one to lose weight for their health and happiness and I’m not saying that it isn’t normal to have your attraction wane as physical appearance changes. But that isn’t the end of the story – it’s the beginning.
Like any elderly couple can tell you, everyone loses their youthful beauty through some combination of illness, age and life circumstance (yes, even the Hollywood botox queens) so if that is all your love is based on, then it was never love in the first place. “But what if she dies young from being so overweight?” a concerned friend once asked me about his beloved and overweight spouse. “What if she dies thin, thinking your love is conditional?” was my reply. The love of the person has to come first. People who are truly, deeply, genuinely loved will then be open to making the changes that they need and want to make.
Fat shaming doesn’t work. Loving people is the only thing that does. So if loving people is the only thing that works, then why don’t more people use it? Because it takes more time, understanding and effort than just yelling, belittling and shaming. It’s harder. So now who is lacking in willpower?
I’ll admit I feel a little hypocritical writing about this because I still have significant angst about my own body. But maybe I don’t need to be perfect in my self acceptance? Maybe better is good enough? In the end, it turns out that shaming people about their weight (or shaming yourself about your weight) will get you the exact opposite of what you want. Unless what you want is to be a jerk. And then… I don’t know what to say to you.
Have you ever felt shamed for your weight? Does this new research surprise you or just reinforce what you already know? Do you have a good answer to the “…but I’m just concerned about your health!” line??
UPDATE: Reader Tom Levine added a link in the comments to a post he wrote about additional studies (including rat ones – with a picture of actual rat treadmills!!) that give more perspective and information on this topic. I found it so interesting I had to bump it up here so y’all can check it out! http://weightlessspace.com/2013/07/17/schilders-rat-ending-the-blame-game-on-obesity/
Fantastic Article, Charlotte! I wrote a similar article about a scientific study performed on a Schilder Fat Rat. Readers digest version, the study concluded that fat rats aren’t fat because they don’t move…They don’t move because they are fat. It is the obesity, in other words, that causes the sedentary behavior. The fat rat does not choose to sit around and not exercise. He’s a rat. Seems obvious when looking at rodents, but unfortunately, less obvious when we examine the issue with people. It saddens me deeply, the shame, blame, and ignorance of those who do not understand what it is like to struggle with obesity, and we need to understand that these folks truly are suffering. Anyway, great article. Thank you! Sincerely, Tom
Love your perspective! I’d be interested in reading your article – do you have a link for it??
You bet! Here you go…Have a great Wednesday! Sincerely, t http://weightlessspace.com/2013/07/17/schilders-rat-ending-the-blame-game-on-obesity/
Love your article!! I just added your link to the body of my post so hopefully more people will see it and check it out:) Plus, I’ve never actually seen a pic of real rat treadmills before!! Thanks for the additional research info!
Thanks, Charlotte!!!
It sounds rather as if that book is predicated on the idea that all fat people are fat for exactly the same reason and all “fit” (which isn’t mutually exclusive with fatness anyway) people are fit for the same reason. Which is perfectly ridiculous.
There’s a huge difference between wanting the best FOR someone (“Please be healthy, because I love you”) and wanting the best FROM someone (“Fix your diet so I’ll love you”). It’s every bit as true if the someone is yourself.
This: “There’s a huge difference between wanting the best FOR someone (“Please be healthy, because I love you”) and wanting the best FROM someone (“Fix your diet so I’ll love you”). It’s every bit as true if the someone is yourself.” is BRILLIANT. I love the way you put this. So true.
I agree with JK Rowling. It’s not the worst but it is a thread to you as a person. It is unfair to be judged by you weight. Any one has no right discriminate people especially if it is because of their looks. But fat is a threat and everyone should treat it seriously.
True, but I think the key is that your fat may be a threat to you as a person (or it may not, depending on your health) but that someone else’s fat is not a threat to you. I love what CBuffy wrote above: “There’s a huge difference between wanting the best FOR someone (“Please be healthy, because I love you”) and wanting the best FROM someone (“Fix your diet so I’ll love you”). It’s every bit as true if the someone is yourself.”
So she just copied all the short and mostly meaningless sayings off Pinterest and my old gym teacher’s wall, slapped them in a book with no analysis or in-depth thinking and called it a day?
I’ve heard the term concern-bragging or concern-trolling used. The idea as I understand it is faking concern as an excuse to shame someone else or brag about yourself and your supposed superiority.
Yeah, pretty much. And good point about “concern-trolling” which can be an issue in so many more areas than just weight!
“Fat shaming doesn’t work. Loving people is the only thing that does. So if loving people is the only thing that works, then why don’t more people use it? Because it takes more time, understanding and effort than just yelling, belittling and shaming. It’s harder. So now who is lacking in willpower?”
I love this. I think it’s so true in so many (all?) areas of life.
Aw thanks! I definitely know it’s true with kids;)
You strike a chord, yet again. I’m not at all surprised by the research but I am surprised that the logic behind it simply Will Not Sink In. Where do the self-shaming “if only I were skinny, everything would be better” thoughts live – in spinal fluid? Inner ear? It has to be somewhere difficult to get to because I’m not reaching them and they’ve expressed no intention to leave.
The book sounds fit for burning. 😉 Someone missed the memo on the dangers of perfectionism.
This: Where do the self-shaming “if only I were skinny, everything would be better” thoughts live – in spinal fluid? Inner ear?” Totally made me giggle!! Clearly they’re somewhere impermeable!
SO SO SO SADLY reinforces what I already knew and, again, makes me wonder if ANYTHING will ever change.
It has to eventually, right?? Or am I just showing my naivete? :/
I’m on the receiving end of what I like to refer to as passive aggressive fat shaming all the time. “Just eat healthy and exercise!” So, exercising 5 days a week and eating 1500 calories a day isn’t enough? I have been overweight since the birth of my first kid almost 14 years ago after spending the first 21 years of life slim. I have been trying to lose weight since then. And I just don’t. I don’t even yo-yo. The most i’ll lose is 2-3 pounds before it comes back on. People are well meaning but they have no idea what I’m doing or dealing with. Not going to lie, the other thing that frustrates the crap out of me is that slim and healthy people can be so negative about their bodies. How am I supposed to feel about myself in my size 18s when people who can actually fit in single digit clothing sizes are complaining about their bodies? I get that everyone has their own neuroses, but it sure adds to the complete hate I have for my body.
This: ” People are well meaning but they have no idea what I’m doing or dealing with. ” YES. And thank you for the reminder that we all need to be better in the way we talk about ourselves. I know I’m guilty of this sometimes but I think it goes to show even more that self-worth and -esteem is independent of what we look like:)
I hear you. I exercise all the time and don’t eat poorly but I will never be a single digit girl. I have to be ok with that and be grateful for what my body can do. I can run, bike, lift weights, swim and most importantly my body gave birth and nursed 4 beautiful blessings and I love that. Love your body like charlotte said and maybe love will help you lose or maybe love will help you appreciate what you’ve got.
Great point Becky. Gosh, we can be so hard on ourselves at times it’s crazy. Gratitude is very underrated sometimes. Good post.
I totally, completely, and absolutely know what you mean.
I, too, can never drop past my current weight, even when I was at the height of my eating disorder (500-700 calories per day, running every night, dancing competitively three times per week…on and on it goes)–nothing changed.
That said?
You are supposed to feel AMAZING about your body.
Look at you, you bad ass, you produced babies!
You have a strong, miraculous body!
You are incredible, and don’t you forget it.
*hug*
I have lived this concept personally. During my first marriage, my husband constantly belittled me about my weight (among other things) and I did at one point lose a significant amount of weight but gained it right back because I was only dieting to be skinny for someone else to love me. After leaving that toxic relationship I regained myself and my self-esteem, which took a long time. I was still overweight when I met and married my best friend and soulmate. With his loving encouragement I have lost 40 lbs and significantly improved my health, which is now my main goal. Even if I never lose another pound, I know my husband loves me, but I now want to be a healthier wife so that we have many more (hopefully!!) years together.
Aw this whole comment just made me grin and grin! Your husband sounds like a gem and I’m so glad you two found each other!
Having angst about your own body is a TOTALLY different thing that fat shaming- and I think it adds to the conversation rather than detracts. Would you have so much angst about your body if there weren’t so much societal pressure to be thin and if being fat weren’t seen as a moral failure?
I think a huge part of why people don’t see the problem with fat shaming is all the fear-mongering the media does. Everyone is so terrified of getting fat themselves, or that their children will get fat, that they don’t stop to think about WHY they think being fat is bad, or even the people themselves. Media coverage puts the fat first and dehumanizes the people.
I also think that regardless of WHAT the final research says (aka fat= terrible thing that will kill you OR fat= not necessarily bad), when people are seen as less than human, that is the most important thing. I think there are lots of important discussions around nutrition and exercise that North America needs to have. I also think that we need to have them totally outside the discussion of weight until overweight people are seen as human and no longer get discriminated against. When being overweight limits the care you get from doctors and makes people automatically view you as lazy or slobbish, you don’t need a discussion of your eating or exercise habits. I’ve seen a bunch of articles by doctors saying some version of “being fat isn’t a moral/willpower/etc failure and fat people try really hard BUT”, which still puts fat people in the amorphous “fat people” box where everyone is the same and you aren’t recognized as real, individual, people.
Just, wow. This whole comment. What she said!! You make so many great points. I love this: ” Would you have so much angst about your body if there weren’t so much societal pressure to be thin and if being fat weren’t seen as a moral failure?” (SO true, especially since I’m such a people pleaser to begin with…) And this: “which still puts fat people in the amorphous “fat people” box where everyone is the same and you aren’t recognized as real, individual, people.” is so important. Thank you Nicole!
AMEN, Charlotte!! I am totally with you, and I appreciate you speaking out so persuasively on this! And, yes, I have been shamed for my weight…many times. I remember thinking while growing up that I would be the perfect child, totally accepted by my parents, if I were just skinny. I’m not entirely sure how I got that message, but there was no doubt in my mind. I also recall very vividly a time in college when a friend said at a party, while I was partaking in dinner with everyone else, “Oh, Kristen. Girls like us don’t eat pizza.” Seriously?! Girls like us?? Totally us versus them. And I was so shocked, I didn’t even respond. Anyway, I agree we need to get rid of the shaming too; we can only lose weight (for the long haul at least) in the context of acceptance and love anyway. 🙂
Oh Kristen! My heart hurts for your little child self! I understand that message though as I totally felt that same pressure. Even now I have to constantly remind myself that people won’t love me more if I’m thinner and don’t love me less when I’m bigger. Thanks for sharing your story!
I grew up feeling shamed about my weight. Friends and family made many snide comments about it, some genuinely thinking that if they pointed it out to me I’d suddenly notice and change immediately (like I didn’t know I was fat?? sheesh…). But I do say this – the only comment I took freely and without pain was the occasional “I’m concerned about your health!”. Because they *were* honestly concerned about my health. It wasn’t an appearance thing or a shaming thing…it was genuine concern. And when it mattered it wasn’t tacked on to a lot of other negative things – it was truly meant. I do feel this now for a relative who I am genuinely concerned for…but because of what I experienced, I am very careful to keep comments positive and try and be supportive.
I found for me it is absolutely critical to love yourself as you are for any sort of positive change to be made in your life. I think that feeling bad about your health is different than fat shaming. To me they were/are totally different animals, and for me it was looking at my health and loving myself that helped me get healthy. I wouldn’t lump it in with insults when sincerely said. What it boils down to when I think more on it is that for me comments made from people who have never been overweight aren’t coming from the same place…and maybe are not as valid for me perhaps? If you look at someone and all you see is their weight….well then you’ve got your own issues!!
Great point about the motivation being important. Love this: ” for me it was looking at my health and loving myself that helped me get healthy. I wouldn’t lump it in with insults when sincerely said.” Thanks for helping me see it in a better light!
Might be similar for smoking cessation. Outside pressure never works as well as intrinsic motivation. We do it for ourselves, not for others!
Good point!
When I was a teenager going through puberty, I constantly heard “You’re going to be fat, just like the rest of your father’s family”
When I was a newly married woman (and probably 50 lbs lighter than I am now) I had a doctor tell me “You have such a pretty face”
And then we wonder why I am a disordered eater!
Fat shaming doesn’t work, no news to me… but why did I spend so much energy doing it to myself for so many years?? Then you feel like a failure, and say, what’s the point (then hide, binge, and fall asleep coz you can’t stand to be yourself – I mean the pain of the distention in my stomach!) So why would anyone do that to someone else? I don’t know, but sometimes I just want to slap people who do in front of me… especially when said to a child, a CHILD people, why do I see/hear that so often?!?! (Ok, I am angry and sad now) And the thing about the pretty face! You know what, that means they are pretty! Period. Pretty! Some people actually look better with a bit more weight than too little (especially true as we age, as mentioned in a previous post, if I remember correctly, something about choosing booty over face?) I’m “facing” it right now … Weight is just weight, we would have so many more “healthy” people if people stopped caring about the number, many “overweight” people have nothing wrong with them, but we all know that…so I am just “preaching to the choir” here… 🙂
Sooo I just have one objection here, and it’s the obvious “I sound like a jerkass” one: I would not want to date a significant other who suddenly becomes unattractive to me. Sexual attraction is important to my relationships, and I will not be happy being with a person unless I can find it there. :-/ Presumably as I age, I will adapt to my partner aging, but I would certainly hope that I would not be judged for trying to be with someone to whom I am attracted enough to have a healthy physical relationship.
We don’t use shame to fix other problems (successfully anyway) so why should we do the same with fat?
I am someone that since I’m relatively fit people would consider “thin” and yet if I’m 99% at something I feel successful too. Does that mean I’m fat inside? Like that quite from Pitch Perfect “Even though some of you are really thin, I think you have fat hearts.” I think part of being successful is realizing when perfection isn’t necessary without beating yourself up about it. I think when we let people think perfection is necessary we are basically telling them it’s not worth even trying.
I think confidence about yourself and a knowledge of who you are goes a long way in helping a person, no matter their weight, stay healthy. I think any major life change has more to do with the inside than the outside. The outside will change against our will no matter what we ultimately do, but we can always improve the inside until the moment we die. I’d rather be beautiful inside, which is something I can control, than beautiful outside which I can dress up and slather with various colorants but basically I have no control over.
oh yeah, forgot to comment on the 99% thing… even that is aiming high, seriously, right? Why can’t 80% be good enough, and on days, go 20%, let yourself slip once in a while… (By you, I mean the collective you, not you personally)…
So glad you blogged this! I kept seeing the headline in all my news feeds and just wanted to say “duh!” Oh social science 🙂
I know I’ve said this before but I think we all need to just stop. I think commenting about anyone’s weight (positive or negative) is so unnecessary. I’m guilty of it too but it’s so bad. Even worrying out loud about someone’s health when it’s weight connected. I can’t think of a single case where this would be beneficial. I swear I break out in a rash any time anyone mentions anything weight-related. Ugh.
Thanks for another great post! I totally agree that shaming, criticizing, bullying, or otherwise attempting to coerce a behavior reduces our potential for joy. Having said that, I wonder if it wouldn’t be worthwhile to consider that there are many reasons people overeat. Habit, boredom, fear, fatigue, stress, thirst, and the pure yumminess of good food all come to mind as reasons I overeat. And I expect that criticizing my weight would have different effects depending on what motive is primary at the moment. No? Yes? What do you think?
That is a good point! Your comment just took this conversation to another level.
Hmmmm. Got to think it over for awhile.
I guess I am totally out of the loop because I didn’t know that anyone, anywhere, thought fat shaming worked in the first place. I mean, I’ve seen Biggest Loser but even there I feel like they recognize that they make the most progress with clients when they focus on their achievements and recognize that with the right tools they’ll be successful. We are all stronger and more powerful than we sometimes give ourselves credit for. When coaches/mentors/diet counselors can tap in to that everyone wins. We all can take those big strides toward health and fitness, no matter where we start off. Berating someone is not only just not right, it isn’t effective either, so why go there. Great article.
(I’ve missed you btw. Sorry I’ve been such a lame-o this summer. Lots going on here. Oy veh. 🙂 Hope you’ve been having a good summer.)
Gaye
Some time ago I learned that it’s almost impossible to build something you like in life (like a strong body or successful business) from a negative view point. It’s much easier to go after things you love and enjoy rather than fight against the things you don’t want. If you go after the good things in life then the bad stuff kind of just gets pushed out.
-my 2 cents 🙂
FIrst of all, having just googled MeMe Roth (even her name is self-centered; is it deliberate?), I’m disgusted. She is the epitome of all the “bee” girls I ever had the displeasure of knowing in junior high, and her disgust at anyone over a BMI of 18 is not helping ANYONE lose weight. And this book you describe, not that I’ve read it (or plan to), takes personal accountability way too far. But…
Schilder’s fat rats didn’t start out fat, they got that way by eating too much hyperpalatable food, when their genetic makeup predisposes them to gain weight easily. Obese children are created by parents (and other frequent caregivers), not born that way. And previously thin adults who become obese are clearly personally responsible for taking in more calories than they can expend, usually for years on end. My personal bias is that it’s way easier to prevent obesity than to treat it once it’s present. I think one of the more effective methods in the psychological armamentarium is societal values. Yes, the analogy with smoking cessation is right on. As a culture, we only made substantial inroads in the war on tobacco when the level of righteous indignation against both the consumers AND the companies purveying the poison reached a sufficiently high volume. By analogy, a certain level of “fat shaming” is necessary. The key, I think, is to underline the unpleasantness of the condition (“you can’t move easily, you can’t breathe comfortably,” even, “you can’t find attractive clothes that fit”) without disparaging the person. And, far more important, to hold accountable the purveyors of “hyperpalatable human chow” and point out at every turn how these companies manipulate basic human biology to serve their bottom line. I think if there’s a real role for fat shaming, it is to shame Frito Lay, Nabisco and Coca-cola into coughing up millions of dollars for educational anti-obesity programs in the schools and demanding they put warning labels on all their packages of pseudofood. And to tax the h*ll out of them.
I sure do not support shame or stigma towards people who are obese!
That said, the studies that say these things make people gain weight (as in being the victim) do bother me.
That book you got the PR on does sound awful. And I love this quote of yours: “If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement – most powerfully in the form of love – is the only thing that makes sense.” Very generally applicable advice. .