And, done! Who says I haven’t accomplished anything?
Things That Happened on My 35th Birthday
– My husband brought me flowers.
– I took mine and my sister’s kids swimming. (Jelly Bean looked at me in my swimsuit and asked why my legs are so “bumpy like a dinosaur!” To which I got to explain cellulite to a 3-year-old.)
– I smiled fondly at all the Facebook “Happy Birthday” messages (and then wondered what it says about me that I only know about 10% of the well-wishers in real life).
– I met all our new neighbors at a neighborhood barbecue.
– My sister baked me a pie.
– I cleaned my kitchen. Twice.
– I went to a church-organized crocheting class even though I already know how to crochet because I was desperate for adult company.
– I did Zumba at my new gym and totally loved the high-energy instructor (I was so sweaty I looked like I’d cartwheeled through a car wash) – only to discover that said teacher was just a sub and doesn’t actually work at my new gym.
– Jelly Bean pooped her pants. Twice.
I turned 35 on Friday. All in all not a bad birthday. The day was pretty much a non-event – we’ve been so busy with the move and the jobs and the four little people that insist on following me everywhere, including the bathroom, for 20 hours a day that we just kind of went on with life as usual. Which was fine by me. Until that night. Because:
You know what didn’t happen on my 35th birthday?
– I didn’t escape death at least 5 times to become the foremost female politician in a country that’s internationally reknowned for its horrendous crimes against women, like Afghani contender for Prime Minister Fawzia Koofi had done by her 35th. (Side note: I’m reading her autobiography “The Favored Daughter” and it is AMAZING. Highly recommend.)
– I didn’t start my own catering company that would later turn into a multi-billion dollar juggernaut like Martha Stewart did when she was 35.
– I wasn’t kissing wookies and flying starships as Hans Solo, like Harrison Ford was doing at 35.
– I did not name my baby North West like Kim Kardashian (32) and Kanye West (35) did. (Side note: After hearing they are calling their daughter “Nori”, I said to my sister “Wow, they must really like sushi!” to which she answered drolly “Or they’ve never had it.”)
In fact, when you look at famous people from Mark Zuckerberg to Sylvia Plath to Eva Longoria, there are a ton of people who are amazingly accomplished well before their 35th birthday. It kinda made me wonder what I’ve been doing with my life. At least I didn’t play a cosmic joke on my offspring and name them after the freeway sign on the way to the hospital?
It isn’t that I’m jealous of all the go-getters, lucky-starred and otherwise successful folks. Nor am I sad about my own life. I’ve done a lot of great things, had a ton of fun and learned more lessons than I have wrinkles. But it does make me wonder what they have that has made them so successful. Sure luck, opportunity, smarts and ingenuity probably play a big part but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about willpower.
Ah, willpower. It’s so immensely important to lifelong success – you remember the “Marshmallow Test” study that asked children to resist eating a marshmallow for 15 minutes to earn a second treat? The ones who resisted were 80% more successful 30 years later than their sugar-snarfing counterparts – yet so difficult to master. Which might partially be because it isn’t what we think it is.
Willpower is often thought of as some kind of superpower – some people seem to be born with scads of it while others of us muddle around playing 30 rounds of Candy Crush while procrastinating an important deadline. I once read an interview with a young woman who had five Harvard degrees by the time most of her peers were graduating from high school. When asked her secret, she answered, “It’s simple. I don’t procrastinate. Ever.” Well I procrastinate all the time. That’s why I’m so awesome at crisis management. (Silver lining!)
In my quest to bulk up my mental muscle and streamline by hamster wheel life, I’ve been reading “The One Thing” by Gary Keller. In it, he makes some interesting research-based observations about what we call willpower:
1. It’s a limited resource. You can actually use up all your willpower. So if you waste it on the little stuff, it won’t be there when you need it for the big stuff. And once it’s gone, you have to wait for it to recharge before you can expect to use it again.
2. It’s better earlier in the day. Probably because of point #1, our willpower is strongest in the morning so Keller recommends doing all your important stuff in the a.m.
3. It’s affected by food. Apparently doing any willpower-intensive activity depletes your blood sugar, lowering your glucose level. Your body’s natural reaction to this is to make you crave sugar to restore it. (Which might explain why I always get the munchies when writing a difficult article?) Keller points out though that it’s better to sustain your willpower with lots of fat, protein and complex carbs rather than risking a sugar crash.
4. It’s affected by sleep. Duh. Anyone who ever ordered something off an infomercial or answered a booty call at 3 a.m. can tell you that.
5. It’s easily drained. I don’t know about you but I was surprised by the list of things that tax our willpower. Keller includes sneaky drains like suppressing emotion, filtering distractions, trying to impress others and coping with fear. Take those together and you basically have my autobiography in 12 words. The end.
Keller suggests however that the trick isn’t to try and make “more” willpower but to recognize that you only need enough willpower to do something until it becomes a habit. (P.S. He adds that the popular maxim of “21 days makes a habit” is totally bogus. Apparently according to research, 66 days is the magic number. Unless it’s something really tricky and then it’s 251.) At first making an important change will require a lot of willpower but the more you reinforce the pattern, the less you need until it’s not driven by willpower at all. To do this, he points out that it’s important to only focus on ONE thing at a time. (Hence the book title.) Direct all your willpower to the one thing most important to you at the time until it becomes a habit. Then move on to the next thing. No multitasking allowed!
People who are highly successful don’t become that way because they have more willpower than the rest of us but rather because they’re better at focusing it.
Does it work? Don’t know yet. But I’m intrigued by the idea. I think I’ll focus my willpower on finishing the book. Hopefully it will tell me how to shave my priorities down to just One Thing as right now that seems laughably insane. But I want it to work. Because next year, for my 36th birthday I’d like to have accomplished Something. Won a Pulitzer. Unpacked all my moving boxes. Or at least kissed a wookie.
How are you with willpower? Do you have any tricks for me on how to stop procrastinating? Anyone else make wildly inappropriate comparisons to other people on their birthday??
What the deuce Charlotte? Are you really writing that you’ve accomplished nothing by the age of 35 from a blog platform of so FREAKING AWESOME that it scored you one (two? I forget, seriously) book deals, earns you a living and that helps hundreds of thousands of people to better cope with their body image issues?
You’re so awesome Charlotte. You help people. You do so many awesome things. Don’t downplay or forget about them.
I have to totally second Malen’s comment; what you’ve accomplished already is AMAZING. I suspect you have an abnormally high amount of willpower; it’s just hard to be superhuman on so many fronts at once. Plus raising a healthy happy family!
But I’m intrigued by the notion of a 60+ day relatively singular focus to build the habit. As someone all over the place myself, flitting from project to project, this makes intuitive sense. Must ponder, thanks!
Ah thank you! I swear I wasn’t begging for compliments with this post but I’m grateful all the same – thank you:) And do let me know where your pondering leads!!
Aw thank you Malin! This is like the nicest birthday present ever! Truly, I didn’t mean to be ungrateful for what I’ve gotten so far – I guess I just always think I should be more?? Thanks for the reminder:)
Oh I didn’t think you meant to! And sorry for coming off a bit harsh? I think you’re really awesome. 🙂
I think though if you always think you’re less than you are at whatever, how will you progress? It’d be like doing beginner workouts forever because you never think you qualify for “intermediate” or even “advanced”.
Keep moving forward and being awesome!
Ps. I cleaned my tiny apartment last week for taking photos for the real estate agent. Holy cow! I am so awed by all the work you must’ve put into your HOUSE if this is how much time it took to fix up my studio apartment. O.o
Belated happy birthday! I procrastinate _all_the_time so it’ll be interesting to read the comments. I also make inappropriate comparisons on birthdays, and since mine is coming up next month and happens to be my 35th… I’m a spinster (seems more accurate than ‘single’), no kids, live as a lodger and I’m a student (again). That’s no dependants, property, nothing to tie me down (if you don’t count lack of funds) and I still haven’t written a book, or a successful blog, or learnt to make dresses, or [insert random skill here]. I’m pretty good at wasting time, though, and living through other people’s blogs. 🙂
I’ve made many an attempt at harnessing my willpower and I have to say that for an instant-gratification perfectionist like me, the most difficult thing is focusing on just the one thing. What about all the other things I want to change?! I never want to start with the ones that I know I _should_, you see. Hence: never kissed a wookie. But it’s an awesome ambition to have. 😀
Good point about the instant gratification! I will totally do things the short-and-shoddy way just to get that instant hit rather than do them the proper way and delay my gratification… Must ponder on this one more! And Happy soon-to-be Birthday! Truly I love my 30’s way more than I did my 20’s so I see good things for both of us:)
1. Happy belated birthday!
2. Agree completely with Malin’s note that you have accomplished a whole lot!
3. Amazing timing for this post to resonate with me. I am doing a different challenge every month this year (see, you have inspired me!) and July is all about tackling my to do list and breaking the procrastination habit I’ve gotten into over the last month or so. I’m going to be sharing lots of articles, tips, and techniques and am really going to get back to being efficient and productive!
Oh wonderful! I will get me over to your blog, stat! I need all the tips I can get! And knowing the premise of YOUR blog, I know they’ll be good – speaking of someone who has accomplished a lot – 50by25 ahem;)
The problem with 50by25 is that it doesn’t tell me what to do AFTER 25 🙂 Thanks for the kind words!
Already been said, but… You published a book by the time you turned 35. That’s a big deal.
Ah thanks:) I swear I wasn’t fishing for compliments with this. Anytime I need to be taken down a notch, I go read the reviews of my book on Amazon….
How many of the review writers are published writers? (I mean really published-writing reviews for amazon doesn’t count.) you’re a great writer Charlotte, so don’t forget it! 🙂
HAPPPPY BELATED.
you know me.
I really do have NO WILLPOWER.
I have the WILLINGNESS to do what it takes and, if I dont have the willingness in an area Im kind to me.
It must not be a priority right then…and I move on.
This: “if I dont have the willingness in an area Im kind to me.It must not be a priority right then…and I move on.” is such an interesting thought! I honestly have never seen it from that perspective. I’m one that thinks if I don’t have the willingness then I must be broken or something…. I love how you are able to shift my perspective with just a few well-chosen words!
One thing I learned while preparing a presentation on motivation is that activities that are intrinsically motivating require almost no willpower to do, while activities that are not intrinsically motivating require a ton of willpower.
Hmmm, how can I make the dishes intrinsically motivating?
So I want to read your presentation on motivation!! As for dishes, I find loading the dishwasher to be like putting together a (wet) jigsaw puzzle and so I actually love it. I’ll do your dishes if you clean my bathrooms? 😉
Ha ha. I hum the Tetris song almost the whole time I’m loading the dishwasher…and commence Tetris ear-worm.
How is it possible to have 5 Harvard degrees by the time her peers are graduating from high school? Harvard generally doesn’t let people in unless they are 16 years old and have a high school diploma. My 3 Harvard degrees took me 11 years, and that’s okay. I could have finished in 8, perhaps — 3 (BA) + 5 (MA+PhD). Besides, what other degrees is she getting? MD? JD? MDiv?
Whoa – you blew my mind at three Harvard degrees! As for the girl I’m not sure – I tried hard last night to find the link to her interview and couldn’t:( So it’s totally possible I misremembered. Mostly I was just caught up on how someone could NEVER procrastinate. Although it sounds like you have a good handle on that??
Ha ha. What am I doing now? 🙂
You’ve accomplished a whole heck of a lot!
(And Happy Birthday! :))
I think sometimes we forget or overlook our own accomplishments because, to us, they don’t seem like a big deal. But they are.
I’ll be 44 in 30 days, and while I never made it to Broadway or even had a speaking role in a major movie, I had a pretty great acting career while it lasted, I’m still teaching, and I have a terrific family.
And, in a way, I HAVE kissed a Wookie! Goerge Lucas based Chewbacca on his malamute. We used to have a malamute, to whom I gave many kisses, hugs, and belly & ear rubs.
So all you have to do is find a malamute. They’re pretty friendly…
Happy birthday!!!
I think that you have accomplished a lot to be so young!!
You are a great wife and an amazing mother!!
You have been published.
You educate and inspire many people every day!
I know what you are saying because I sometimes wonder what I’ve accomplished but then I have to remember that I do have accomplishments they just aren’t the kind that make national news and that’s OK!!!
“How are you with willpower?”
Better than most. Not as good as some.
“Do you have any tricks for me on how to stop procrastinating?”
Yeah: Do something. Anything, just do it. It’s the old writer’s trick generalized. You know the one, just write something every day, even if all you can do is write “I don’t know what to write” over and over, don’t just think it, sit your ass down at the keyboard and write it. Sooner or later you’ll write something else before you’re even aware you’re doing it.
So, just taking an example, dust the coffee table. Then dust it again, even though you just dusted it. Dust it again. Sooner or later you’ll find you’ve gone and dusted the whole damn house, perhaps the whole damn neighborhood, without even realizing you’d begun.
Do you see how that worked? You didn’t need to summon the will power to dust the house. Just to dust the coffee table. Dusting the house came strictly as a by product of having the dust rag in your hand and moving a bit. The small activity becomes the larger, which becomes the habit when repeated.
A lot of people try to summon their willpower by thinking about their goal, and that certainly has a place in motivation, but I find that focusing what I’ve already accomplished is more effective. (This may be different for other people.) Let’s use running as an example: Say Susie is training for her first marathon. Thinking about 26.2 miles might be motivating in a way, but it also might be really overwhelming. She wonders if she’ll ever be able to reach her goal, and gets all up in her head about “what if I can’t do it? What’s the point in trying?” But if she turns her attention instead to “Well, a month ago I couldn’t even run a half marathon and now I can do that…a year ago I could only do 10K and now that’s easy for me! Heck, two years ago I probably couldn’t have run a single mile without stopping. Doing what I’m doing now would have seemed overwhelming back then, but I did it…I can do this, too.”
It works for me.
As someone training for a half marathon in a month’s time who’s feeling a bit overwhelmed, this is just what I needed to read!
AHHHHHHH! We’re birthday mates! I had my flirty thirty on Friday. You must not have mentioned your birthday last year. Or you did and I’m self absorbed and forgot that little tid-bit already.
It makes sense that willpower (or any trait really) is a finite thing; I’m very disciplined about some things but oh-so-lazy and apathetic about others. I must have used it all up. And I love to procrastinate on things until I’m anxious about it, do it, realize it was so easy and chastise myself for not doing it sooner and saving myself the neurosis.
Dude, (why am I calling you dude? I have no idea) you may compare yourself to others, but others compare themselves to you. I have thought on more than one occasion that you’ve accomplished a lot, from book deals to making great friends to having many beautiful children to having a popular blog, to writing for (part of?) a living, etc. I’ll be 34 in a few months and I have accomplished none of those things. No kids (yet), no book deals (yet?), no popular blog, not many great friends that I see in real life, etc. And maybe there are people who compare themselves to me? I’m married, I have a job that’s pretty good, I’m finishing my master’s degree in Health Education, I’ve been to New Zealand and Hawaii and lots of other cool places, and am often covered in cat hair.
I’m not sure what my point is, but reading your post struck me as funny, as I guess we all just compare ourselves to others and find reasons why we come up short. Or maybe that’s just me? Anyways, happy belated 35th birthday, and keep up the procrastination since it seems to be workin’ for ya!
Well said, Jen. And yet another reason why Teddy Roosevelt’s “Comparison is the thief of joy” has been my mantra all year!
I recommend THE book about willpower. The Willpower Instinct. It was originally a class at Stanford and was then made into a book. It is awesome and for good measure, Talent is Overrated makes some really nice points about the 10,000 hours thingy.
Um not sure how giving your child a weird namr qualifies as an accomplishment? You have had lots of children in a stable relationship (whom you could have named any number of odd things) so ms kardashian does not belong on your list. Happy Birthday!
I have been reading your blog a little bit for a a short time now. It may seem a somewhat off topic but I like you…you are cool!
Happy Birthday 😀
Happy Burthday Charlotte!
Glad you’ve found yourself a gym. Hope this place is starting to feel a bit more like home.
Happy birthday!!
As I was reading this, I was thinking: Didn’t she write a book and get it published? From the comments above, it sounds like it’s been way more than that! You are an amazing writer, and from what I can tell, an amazing mother too.
If willpower is a limited resource in the short term, is it also a limited resource in the long term? I feel like most of my life, I’ve been motivated and focused. Now, at 36 (although beginning in my early 30’s), I’m just tired. I’ve often wondered whether this is just getting older or if I used up my limited resource of willpower in my first 30 years.
Happy Birthday – sometimes the most underrated lives are the most important ones.
Or I may be in denial. I only have 5 years to make my life blockbuster movie worthy so they can make a movie about how Kate Middleton and I are besties.
I can’t remember what I was talking about. Oh yeah, Happy Birthday.
That’s so interesting about willpower becoming habit. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but when I went dairy free, it took willpower for the first couple weeks, but now I honestly don’t even want it, the habit is so ingrained. I’m now on paleo, and getting there too…it’s less about willpower for me now then it is about making sure there are things I can eat when I go out! Living in a big city definitely helps…when there are options (coconut milk ice cream, for instance), I’m not going to be tempted to go dairy.
Charlotte, I can relate, both about the procrastinating (I still haven’t finished reading The Procrastination Equation, yet I’ve already started a new book on the same general subject, The Willpower Instinct… and now you’re tempting me with yet ANOTHER!) and about all the things I haven’t yet achieved before my most recent (in my case, 45th) birthday. Like finishing one of my (hmm, 11) novels-in-progress, or finally organizing _______ (insert: my recipes, the basement, my closet, our DVD collection).
But it’s okay, in both of our cases. We’ve gotten a lot of other things done, things we probably don’t even realize. Like loving people. And other actual, tangible stuff… but you know, I think the loving is pretty important. The point is, our accomplishments are enough. They are! And furthermore, I think you’re awesome, just in case you didn’t already know that.
Lots of love and I hope you’re still celebrating your birthday, because a singular weekend simply isn’t enough! xo
Sounds like a nice bday! Actually sounds quite similar to mine.