This was taken after my MMA video shoot with the hilarious and talented Jen Sinkler for Lifetime Fitness. She brought me squash which is pretty much the best gift ever. Plus it makes a great weapon.
Vegetables are easy to love. They’re crunchy and colorful and full of yummy nutrients. They’re especially easy to love when you lack the gene that makes them taste bad, like I do. (I think lacking the sulphur-tasting gene makes up for my trigger-happy sneezing gene. Because bargaining with science is exactly how genetics works. Whatever, I’m totally bragging.) But you know what is not as easy to love? Myself. So this last Sunday when I ended up with four giant zucchinis at my door and the opportunity to talk about myself in church, you can guess which one I was more excited about. Delicious squash for the win!
Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about myself. (Thiswholeblog. Ahem.) But what I don’t love is the 5-minute introduce-yourself type of talking. This is because the combination of time pressure and my blabby mouth always makes me say something idiotic. Like the time I told a group of strangers that the best I’ve ever felt in my whole life was when I had my colonoscopy, thanks to the awesome narcotics they gave me. (A really graphic visual is one heck of a mneumonic device, by the way. I’m sure I’m now colonoscopy-drug-addict girl to that whole group. But I bet they didn’t forget my name!) I am the queen of bad first impressions.
I immediately knew what I wanted to do with the zucchini – I have an amazing chocolate whole-wheat pretty-healthified zucchini bread recipe** (chocolate hides a host of sins, er, veggies!) plus I freeze some for zucchini boats and minestrone. But as I sat grating the squash by hand (best way to do it – my food processor is cheap-o and turns the whole lot into baby food), all I could think about were all the things I didn’t want to say in my church introduction. After all, all of the things that have really defined my life – birthing babies, being sexually assaulted, losing a baby, eating disorder(s), mental illness – really aren’t first date material, you know?
In the past I’ve generally resorted to simplifying the whole mess by sticking my hand out and saying, “Hi! I’m Charlotte! I’m crazy!” (Oh yes, I do!) But I’m trying to do better. Crazy is certainly part of who I am but it’s not all of who I am (and honestly I have you guys to thank for helping me see that over the past few years). So instead, as I stood in front of the group of Church Ladies in my done-to-the-point-of-overdone dress, makeup and hair, what came out was this: “True story: When I was a teen, my friends paid a boy to kiss me for the first time because apparently I was never going to lose my VL card without a financial incentive. I’d like to say that’s the source of my abysmal self-esteem but in all honesty I’ve always kinda hated myself.”
Oy. (Which, by the way, explains the perfectly put together dress/hair/makeup. It isn’t because I’m vain. It’s because I’m horribly insecure and I hope that by distracting people with all the sparkly stuff on the outside they won’t notice what I’m lacking underneath. Oh, and it’s also because I freaking love vintage dresses. That too.)
In my defense, it came after this: “Hi! I’m Charlotte. A few things you should know about me: I love spicy food. The spicier the better. I’m obsessed with fuzzy and/or glittery socks. And lip balm. I’ve lost 10 IQ points with each kid and since I’ve had five of them that doesn’t bode well for any of you that will want me to remember your phone number or shoe size. And also? I have really low self esteem.” Which is the point where I launched into the story. I didn’t add that since I’ve moved I’ve been really really struggling with feeling down about who I am. I hate everything – my weight, my looks, my housekeeping abilities, even my writing (it all comes out of my fingers like… crap). My knee-jerk reaction lately to whenever anything goes wrong is to whisper “I hate me” under my breath.
As part of the assignment, I was supposed to bring a few objects that represent me and since I couldn’t find a colonoscopy tube (or drugs) on such short notice, I instead grabbed a little placard given to me by my wonderful friends in Minnesota that read, “I may not be perfect but parts of me are pretty awesome!”
The first time I read that saying my initial reaction wasn’t much. It was just another trite aphorism that people like to paint on wood or slap on Instagram photos. (Instagram = the modern evolution of tole painting. Mind blown.) But then one day, as I sat watching my kids do something that wasn’t annoying, destructive or embarrassing – which of course I can’t remember since apparently I only hang onto the bad stuff – I realized that they are beautiful and smart and talented and every good thing. In short, they are pretty awesome. And they are parts of me. As I mused out loud to the church ladies (whom I’m sure were more than sorry by that point they’d given me the friendship basket*), “Having kids has really helped me see myself better. Because they are amazing and how could I not love the mother who helped create them?”
I’ve long been afraid to love myself. Part of it is the fear of unfulfilled expectations – what if I truly have this amazing potential but I’m not living up to it? It’s easier to say I’m lame and then any little thing I do seems like a bonus. But part of it, I think, is fear of what I’d have to change if I did truly love who I am. I’d have to take care of me. I’d have to stop staying up half the night working and I’d have to stop gossiping and I’d have to eat better and I’d have to start folding my clean laundry instead of just stuffing it into drawers. What would I do differently if I really cared about me? I’d have to stop calling me crazy.
That’s a tall order. And I wasn’t sure where to start with all of that until the girl sitting next to me in our little church room raised her hand to answer a question posed during the lesson on service we were having. (Yes, I eventually stopped talking and sat my butt down.) The girl was gorgeous and talented and sweet and conscientious – I’ve hung out with her so I can say these things definitively – and so I was surprised when she started out, “Sometimes I get really down on myself. Like, really down. In a dark place and I can’t see the way out.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised. If covering body image for 7 years has taught me anything it’s that most of us really struggle with our self image, no matter what we look like on the outside. Sadly self-hate has become a near-universal constant.
She continued, “But I’ve found the best way to get out of that is to do something for someone else. I know that sounds like a really selfish motivation to do service – because it makes me feel better! – but it really helps. I always feel better about myself.”
It wasn’t selfish at all, at least not from where I was sitting. It was beautiful. And exactly what I needed to hear. So when I got home from church, I took off the fancy dress and pearls and set to work baking six huge zucchini sheet cakes. Then I put them on plates. (And sprinkled them with powdered sugar to disguise the fact that they still looked like turds. Because everything I cook ends up look scatalogical, I swear.) I wrote some overdue thank-you notes. Then I piled the family into the car and we drove them around to people until we ran out of plates. And then we invited people over to help us eat the rest of it.
It worked. I feel better. About myself. About everything.
The funny part is that not a thing changed. I still weigh the same and look the same. I still feel stuck in my career place. I still get frustrated with my kids. And yet everything feels better. It’s not the first time I’ve had to learn this lesson. (Or written about it.) And I’m sure it won’t be the last either. But because of the constant barrage of negativity we encounter, I think some good things just need repeating. Forgive? This is one lesson that I’ll hopefully be repeating many, many times in my life. Squash optional.
Do you love veggies? What’s your fave thing to do with a giant zucchini?? What little acts of service do you like to do that help you feel better?
*Probably not. LDS church ladies are super duper nice. Especially the ones at my church!
** For those of you who want the recipe:
- 1/2 cup honey
- 3 tablespoons coconut oil
- 2 large eggs
- 1 cup no-sugar-added applesauce
- 2 cups whole wheat flour
- 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa (I used Hershey’s Special Dark)
- 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
- 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1 1/2 cups finely shredded zucchini (about 1 medium)
- optional but yummy: semisweet chocolate chips
Mix, bake at 350 until done (about 30 minutes for a 9X13 cake or 15 minutes for muffins), enjoy!
Yesterday, I had a real low self-esteem day. I felt like I must be annoying to everyone I worked with, that my friends at work were just trying to be nice to me because they felt sorry for me, and that my life was useless because I will never have children. I think this was brought on by church the previous day. Although everyone is wonderful at church, being a single female who lives at home with her mother who suffers from Parkinson’s Disease, I sometimes feel like an outcast and a loser.
Thank you for sharing your piece of advice on serving.
I think you’re amazing, and pretty, and fun, and smart. I can’t imagine you feeling down about yourself. But then maybe that is why I have been drawn to your blog for several years now. I like people who are open about their insecurities and fears and aren’t afraid to trip on their own feet and laugh. It is refreshing.
I think pretty much all women have these tendencies and I am no exception. One of my most poignant memories about my grandfather was him saying: “You’re so pretty Sugie!” To which I would reply: “Pretty ugly and pretty likely to stay that way!” This little litany became one of our special sayings, but it really underlines how I still see myself in many ways. That being said, I have realized (after turning 40!) that I talk to myself in ways I would never speak to another human being. And I certainly would never allow someone to talk to my children, family, or friends the way that I talk to ME! I have come to the conclusion that we really need to treat ourselves with the same love, kindness, and compassion that we show to other people (or should be showing!!!). In that light, I’ve really tried to be nicer to myself and to realize that God doesn’t make junk. Every time I put myself down or belittle myself, I am belittling God’s work. And in my book that is just wrong! Love yourself and love God. He doesn’t make mistakes.
Aw you need a hug! What a huge transition you are going through! My Mum always told me the same the – the key to happiness and feeling good is to help others! Things will get better and easier and fall into place. You are awesome! Hang in there! And housekeeping smousekeeping, such a bleh thing anyway. THe only person I know who does it well is my MIL and she is not a happy lady so there!
I feel bad about myself quite regular like- but I figure, in the words of Joyce Meyer , God made me this way and He knew what He was getting into- so carry on .
I think there are parts of us we all dislike about ourselves, but as I focus more on the awesome and less on the other stuff the more I like myself. The bad stuff about me in no way cancels out the good stuff in me. In fact, sometimes I’m so impressed with myself that I can do the good stuff despite the bad stuff that I pat myself on the back. (FYI: Pat myself on the back means eat an entire carton of ice cream.)
First….I adore zucchini…I can eat them any way I can fix them.
Second…I’m not surprised that doing a service for others can make your feel better. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but I like to sit quietly and pray the Miraculous Medal Novena (its a Catholic thing) as my meditation mantra, and soon friends and family I know will appear in my minds eye….and I always figure that they are the ones needing the prayer intervention. It calms the monkeys chattering in my brain and it feels good to offer up prayers for others.
And Third – And Most Important! You need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy! When that is hard for me….I simply say “Every day, in Every way, I am getting better and better” We are all worthy, plain and simple. ((((HUGS))))
I love zucchini! I am not nearly as talented as you with that green club so I just cut it up and cook it a bit.
When I was a teenager my best friend was on Weight-Watchers and he told me one day that he could eat all the Z he wanted with no points accumulated.
At the time, it sounded very strange, lol!
Why, why, why do we have to learn the same lessons over and over and over again (that three repeat thing was intentional, trying to be cute, here)? Nothing more profound to add than that – I hear you, sister, preach.
I had no idea you were struggling with the move, though anyone in your position would be. I can’t imagine what you are going through, and yet, you still sound so positive in a weird way. Coping mechanism it may be, but there is something to be said for that whole “fake it til you make it” cliche.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing something because it makes you feel better, especially if it has an added bonus of making others feel better, too. Internal motivation makes you do it, but the external satisfaction lasts just as long, and spreads!
Also? squash is never optional. Since my zucchini plants starting fruiting, I haven’y gone a single day without one. I grill them daily. My favorite way to use the monsters is to make zucchini chips. Dehydrators are so worth the money just for those chips and beef jerky.
Colorado is lucky to have you!
Moving & settling in is never easy, but add 4 young kids to the mix and oy vey!
I know it sounds cliche, but when you catch yourself having a negative thought, try and add a positive one. It’ll create those new neural pathways that give us joy. <3
The most common way we eat zucchini is grilled with some olive oil and spices. The way my wife prefers to use zucchini is in a mock apple crisp. Not so much for the way it tastes (which is just like apple crisp). She loves it because she can feed it to people who have veggies (or just zucchini) and then spring it on them after they declare how good the apple crisp tastes! I swear, she just loves tormenting people.
Life will improve. You will feel better about yourself. This many people wouldn’t follow your blog if you didn’t have something real to offer. That is a good think. And so are your kids, even when you want to kill them (or beat them with a zucchini). Wait until you see your daughter walking around with an absolutely enormous zucchini sticking out of her pants and enjoying the laughter. Enough to make her parents proud. (True story.) But they are good kids. Because you are doing a good job.
God Bless.
I and my 2 boys love veggies too. but what I do is cut up 2 or 3 eggplants, string beans, some cabbage, saute’ them in butter with plenty of garlic, white onions and bacon bits and pour in a couple of cups of coconut milk and simmer for a few minutes. If I may say so myself, the taste is absolutely great! You could add on some fresh prawns if you like to have a bit of a seafood flavor in it.