Earlier this year I saw P!nk in concert. To say it was magical would be an understatement on par with saying Robin Thicke is a wee bit pervy. I’d always liked her music and admired her moxie but seeing her in the flesh – and girlfriend doesn’t hide much of it! – made me love her in a whole new way. Feel free to judge me for being a 13-year-old fangirl in a grown woman’s body (which, honestly, you should already know from my avowed love of all the Step Up movies) but I loved how confident and real she was. I loved how she interacted with her fans making it feel new even though it was probably the zillionth time she’d done that show. I loved how she sang her own music and her voice sounded even more amazing in real life than it does on her produced albums. But mostly I loved how confident she was in not only her body but in herself. I think it’s safe to say that she is not totally what people consider conventionally beautiful for a woman. She has short spiky hair, schizophrenic style and lots and lots of muscles. In fact, she’s often been criticized for having “man abs” because of how cut she is. But she’s always been not only cool with her strong self but utterly unapologetic about it, gushing about her hardcore workouts and love of the sweat.
Which is why I was so surprised to read this, in an interview with Women’s Health: “I’d love to be 10 pounds thinner, but it’s not in the cards for me.”
It threw me because to me she is the epitome of gorgeous and if she thought she’d look better 10 pounds thinner then what did that mean for me?! (Because everything is about me, duh.) Not only did I suddenly feel like a flaccid cow but I wondered if there was any chance for me to ever give up totally caring about weight crap. I mean if Pink can’t even do it then what chance does a girl like me have?
Then she followed it up by adding, “And I’m okay with that.” Which… I dunno. I’m glad she’s okay with it. I wish she were happy about it. I wish we were all happy about ourselves. But then she added this tidbit which totally restored my faith in her: “I’m afraid of spiders. I am afraid of sharks. I’m afraid of the world running out of cheesecake, especially Cheesecake Factory. And then I would also have to be afraid of the world running out of key limes because key lime cheesecake is the best kind of cheesecake there is.” Sing it, sister! Key lime anything is THE BEST. And spiders are THE WORST. And I love that she eats Cheesecake Factory like the rest of us.
It occurred to me that in reading about someone I loved I’d made myself less than. And as I thought about it more I realized that by comparing my weaknesses to others’ strengths I do that a lot. Like a lot a lot.
“Oh yeah, I gave up sweets 3 months ago and I’ve never felt better! It’s pretty easy if you just put your mind to it. I just told myself I was done and once I make a decision I stick with it. Now cookie dough doesn’t even look appealing to me anymore.” I considered replying to my svelte friend that it doesn’t work that way for me, that telling myself I’m never eating something again throws my mind into rebellion mode faster than you can say “Ben & Jerry’s actually has a flavor named Schweddy Balls?!” – but I was too busy thinking about how awesome cookie dough sounded and then starting a shame spiral because she could go her whole life without ever having it again and I wanted it just from hearing someone say the word. In speaking with a friend I love, I made myself less than.
“I knew it was crazy signing up for this half marathon without training first but I figured I could pull it off and I finished under 2 hours!!” As I read my blog-friend’s amazing race report, I massaged my shins that were so sore I had to walk up stairs backwards so I didn’t limp because I’d run 2 miles that morning without warming up. “How can she run 13 miles without even training and beat my best time when I can’t even do an easy run without prepping for days?” I moaned. In reading a blog I love, I made myself less than.
“Oh the wainscoting was just a little finishing touch I threw on at the last minute to really give this room that special ‘je ne se quois’, you know?” As I admired my friend’s perfectly appointed living room with just the right amount of flair and homeyness balanced with little pops of color exactly how all the style magazines say you should but without looking like it was ripped from a magazine, I stewed over the fact that I have wanted for years to do something similar in my home and not only did she do it in two days but hers looked a million times better than anything I could have done and she described it in French! The only other language I speak when it comes to home improvement is %&#*-ese. In visiting a home I love, I made myself less than.
For being such a small word less is such an immense feeling.
It reminded me of when I got to interview Tony Horton a couple of years ago for Shape. Me being the P90X lover I am, the first question I asked him was, “What is up with the corn-cob pull-ups?!? Can anyone actually do those?” To this day I still remember his answer: “It’s supposed to be hard. It’s a challenge. P90X and P90X 2 are designed to force you to work on your weaknesses. If it’s easy then it’s not working.” True for fitness, yes, but true for life also. Tony Horton gave me an Oprah moment. A-ha XTREME!
As illustrated above, I have a terrible habit of comparing my weaknesses to everyone else’s strengths. (Weirdly it never works the other way – apparently I’m much kinder to other people than I am to myself.) The obvious problem is that I make myself feel bad. But the real problem is that when I waste time doing this I can’t enjoy the beauty of the incredible things that all of you do and do so well. The real problem is that when I’m so busy being jealous of you that I can’t learn from you. The real problem is that when I’m focusing on your strengths, I’m not working on my own weaknesses. And then I cry and wonder why I never get better at parenting or race running or, heaven help me, wainscoting. I miss out on so much of life when I make myself less than. And it is something I do to myself.
So how do I change the equation from me<you to me+you=something amazing? I think it starts with being consciously grateful for what I have – both materially and spiritually. I think it starts with looking for the good in others, all others. I think it starts with not bad-mouthing others because we’re both on the same side of the equation and if I take you down, then we all go down. And down is only fun at amusement parks. But I don’t know where this ends. Help me?
Do you compare your weaknesses to others’ strengths? How do you combat this mentality? What is your favorite kind of cheesecake?? (I’ve spent the past two hours trying to come up with something to top Key Lime for me but I can’t. That tart-tangy-sweet combo is even worth risking my embarrassingly loud lactose intolerance for!!)
So… Even as I watched you highlight it I was aware of myself slotting myself in below you (I mean I read along your blog and to me you are amazing!) in these little comparisons. It’s bad when the one thing you are positive you are good at is identifying your own weaknesses. I still struggle with it a lot but I try to keep the struggle away from the ‘facts’ (as told by me). As you said as long as you are identifying other people’s awesomeness and your… lack of awesomeness you aren’t making progress.
I focus on not letting myself procrastinate or stagnate too long – which for me often means intentionally taking the low road. I embrace the feeling that I’m terrible at something – because after that everything can only be an improvement. Unfortunately… my plan only works until I’ve mastered the basics of something – I’m still working on a ‘next step’ plan.
This is so me. I mean, I am 45 years old – I should be way, way over this by now. But I’m not.
Unfortunately, to combat this, sometimes I look for some weakness in the other person, e.g., “Her home is always so immaculate, but HAHA I saw some cobwebs in the corner of her living room!” I hate HATE that I do that.
I am much better about it than I ever was though. It’s a work in progress I guess. If you find the answer, let us know.
I don’t like cheesecake, but I do love me some Key Lime Pie!
My mom found a quote the other day: “Social media brings us down because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Sounds like you’re doing that in real life. Which I totally get.
You’re an amazing and HILARIOUS writer and a supremely honest human being (no behind-the-scenes on this blog, we see it all! Which I love!) and a caring, thoughtful responder to your readers’ comments. Don’t sell yourself short. You have a lot of gifts to offer, and you shouldn’t compare them to what others can do. It’s like the old saying, if you judge a fish on its ability to fly, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid.
And who the hell even cares about wainscoting anyway, I bet that’s not even a word.
As I reach my mid-50s, I FINALLY find that I don’t compare myself to others nearly as much as I used to. I go to a bootcamp with a bunch of women who are the age of my children. Trying to compare my abilities to theirs was ridiculous, so it got me out of the habit. And it was even more ridiculous to compare my aging body to their still young bodies! As you mentioned in your post after the Boston Marathon, just be happy for what you CAN do, not sad for what you CAN’T.
I catch myself doing that too…but I see it more i my husband. Watching this suck out the joy from so many good things he does or sees has made me try to step back and appreciate things more. You miss out on so much this way…challenge is not failure.
PS. %&#*-ese? hee hee 🙂
OK, confession time (Sucks in a deep breath): I don’t like cheesecake! Even chocolate cheesecake. I used to love it, but somewhere, somehow, I lost my taste for it.
But in all seriousness, I believe we are raised, at least in Western culture, with very specific ideas of what “success” is, and a big part of that is being “The Best.” I think what Maggie’s mom said is absolutely true: we put out there what we want others to see, not the full story.
And Pink, as awesome as she is {I, too, love her , but have yet to see her live 🙁 } is in the entertainment business, and will probably always be made to feel that she could be/should be thinner. It is an industry that prizes women for one thing only, and that’s how “doable” they are. That is the mindset. As secure as she is, those niggling doubts are nearly impossible top get rid of in that environment.
Sometimes, in yoga class, I get jealous of my fellow yogis who are thinner, stronger, and more flexible. At a Bryan Kest workshop last November, I learned the importance of keeping my eyes/mind on my own mat (unless I need to look at the instructor), but I still catch myself eyeing others sometimes. I have to remind myself that if I’m gonna look, I may as well admire that strength/flexibility rather than envy it. ‘Cause watching someone lift her leg over her ear while in side plank is actually pretty cool. 🙂
And, last confession: I envy YOU, Charlotte! You’re a fantastic writer, you’re raising FOUR happy kids, and you’re gorgeous! And you deserve all the happiness (and key lime cheesecake) you can get! <3
What an honest and relatable post, Charlotte… Thanks for sharing because I think we all compare others’ strengths to our weaknesses. IF we’re going to compare, wouldn’t it be better to compare strengths to strengths or weaknesses to weaknesses? How will we ever “win” if it’s always our weaknesses that are being magnified. But that’s IF we’re going to compare. Comparing totally does take joy away from moments, experiences, relationships. What a great reminder to move away from comparison; crazy how often it happens and I don’t even realize I’m doing it! Thanks for this today. 🙂
PS – I just saw this in my news feed this morning! http://livewell360.com/2013/09/6-ways-to-beat-the-comparison-trap-and-own-your-unique-awesomeness/
What a great post! I remember a long time ago my mother in law told me “You can’t compare the front of someone else’s cross-stitch with the back of yours.” (Hello 1980’s Relief Society lesson!) but I’ve always remembered it. If I’m going to compare lives I have to remember that if I want that strength I also have to take their weaknesses, their family, their situation, and when you look at the big picture like that it’s easier to keep things in perspective. You’re not looking down on them or looking for bad things in their life, you’re just remembering that they, like you, are more than the sum of your best traits.
The more I learn to love who I am the less it bothers me that other people are better at stuff I’m bad at, it still bothers me, but I have more confidence in myself and my ability to be an individual and to be okay with the strengths and weaknesses I have.
The first thing I had to think when you mentioned those examples was – is that really the whole story? What people say (and how they say it) is only part of the picture.
Your friend that ran a half marathon supposedly without training – does she run on a regular basis? And more then 2-3 miles? That could be considered training of sorts.
That perfect room wasn’t done in 10 minutes but probably took a lot of time and effort.
What surprises me is this ideal of “it comes easy to me”. As if that would be better then saying “I run 3x a week and that let me run a half-marathon” or – “I spent hours to get the room just right”, as if that would be worth less then making it seem effortless.
What I’m trying to do is not lessen their accomplishments but to put them into a context – a context a lot of people and I find especially blogs don’t mention. When reading or hearing those things it can be easy to feel “less then. I think it’s not just a personal but also a cultural problem, especially when it comes to women. Unless things (seem) to come easy they are worth-less.
I often put myself down and it’s something I’m working on changing. But it wont happen over night and I struggle with it. What has helped me is to become more conscious of how I think and talk about myself. The friend analogy is a good one – because I wasn’t being a friend to myself.
I guess I’ll see in about 10 years if I can reach Grace’s attitude, but I’m turning 40 in a few months, and still do the comparison to tohers. Worst part is really that the comparison is to person a’s this, person b’s that, etc. not even thinking yeah but person a doesn’t have that and b, this… you get the point… Soemtimes I tell myself, yeah, but they are 10, 20 years younger as an excuse, but do I believe myself saying it…? Nope. Still get bummed out. Goes for workout abilities, looks, etc.
Cheesecake: my faves have some caramel or white cho Admittedly, I never tried key-lime flavored cheesecake… colate flavors. Not a big fan of chocolate-flavored things.
I love P!nk, too, and hope to see her in concert one of these days. She’s always seemed to real and honest to me…and I love running to her songs.
To be completely honest, I’ve tried for years not to compare myself to others because we’re not supposed to be alike! How boring would that be?! If others didn’t do some things better than us, we would miss out on the motivation to strive for better and the experience of others to help us in our own journey.
Sure, I fall into the comparison trap once in a while, but I’ve got SO much to be thankful and I try to remind myself of that often. So what if I’m a slow runner, I’ve only read a few books so far this year and I’m not an amazing cook (a few things that I wish I did better)? I give back to my community through volunteering to the tune of 6 hours per week, I have an amazing husband, and I have time to spend with my fantastic stepson (thinks I’m sure other people wish they had/did better). It all balances out.
My prayer for all of us is to focus on the things we have, the things we can do, and the things we’re awesome at and be thankful for them…and to never let ourselves feel “less than.”
I wish for very few things as much as I wish I hated sweet foods. I really wish I had no desire to eat dessert ever, and that I didn’t honestly like food much, like my friend who is super thin and is told that he needs to eat more but he just *doesn’t like food.*
If I didn’t like food, I would look the way I wanted to. 🙁
Said only because 1. I’m a big fan of your writing style and 2. so that you’re never intimidated by French idioms again (!!):
it’s actually “je ne sais quoi.” verb is savoir (to know).
Very much a fan of the ‘Take what you need’ flyer.
One thing that I tell myself after I’ve come out on the losing side of a social comparison is that slow and steady wins the race. As in, if something is important to me I can work on improving in that area, or that things in that aspect of my life may change (for example, improve my 5k time or get a new job). So what may seem like a weakness at the present time doesn’t have to stay that way, if it matters enough to me to try to improve in that area. Otherwise I try to let some things go. And I find that practicing gratitude helps a lot.
Comparison is the thief of joy – right! That old saying & I struggle with it too but better in some ways & not as good in others but I try my best & that is all I can do…
Lots of the no sugar & no this food & paleo for all things, I have no probs with – I do what is right for me with food & exercise.. I am OK with that now. Other things I am not as good with.. 🙂
LOVE the take what you need – I see that a lot –
Not a huge cheesecake fan. 🙂
The question I would ask is why do we feel weaker in comparison rather than inspired to ride up and become more rather than feel less?
It’s kind of amusing that when I read your blog I envy your ability to write and use words so creatively, and I envy your thighs and how thin and fit you are and your successful career and how you cope so well with four children and I had so much angst with just one. I’m sure that it’s an evolutionary thing to compare ourselves with others, but it does make life more challenging. I do look to you for motivation, however, both in working out and in writing, so it can’t be all bad, can it? And I’m sure you get lots of motivation from people you compare yourself too as well.
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I wanted to respond to this yesterday, but didn’t get a chance. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my sister recently. You know, the “what’s new? what have you been up to?” kind of chat, and my sister seems to always have a lot going on. I said something along the lines of: nothing new, I never do anything…Then I stopped because that’s not really true; I just tend to think that what I’m doing is not interesting enough or important enough to bother telling people about. Or, I’m not good enough at what I do in my spare time to make it worth mentioning. Or, I just don’t like to draw attention to myself.
Probably a couple of weeks after that conversation, we went out to dinner with friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while and of course what’s the first thing that is said? “What’s new? What have you been up to?” How do I respond? “Oh, nothing much.”
This seems to be a hard lesson to learn.
I love cheesecake. For me, it’s more about the quality of the cheesecake than the flavor. 🙂
Okay, this is going to sound a little religious zealot(y) but my pastor talked about this a few weeks ago and his words have been so helpful to me. “You have all the tools you need do do the job you’re intended to do” As in, you’re perfectly crafted. I’m in academics and its easy for me to get caught up in intellectual comparisons (and outside of work, all sorts of other nonproductive comparisons where I come out “less than”). I try to remind myself that I’m not defined by my ability to do X, Y or Z but rather that my ability to do anything is a result of Grace.
Cheesecake is possibly the only dessert I don’t care for. Cookie dough though, I can take down some cookie dough.
I wonder if men do this as much as we women do? I never hear my husband talking about how seeing his friend’s ripped abs makes him feel “less than” but I fight that tendency all day long. On a 12 mile bike ride this past Sunday, I spent almost the entire time feeling fat, frumpy, and SLOW in comparison to the riders who kept zooming past me instead of celebrating the fact that I was able to ride 12 miles with a headwind and not die. I couldn’t even walk 15 minutes at the beginning of the year and now I run and bike and do Pilates – why don’t I focus on that and my own self instead of everyone else?
On the more important topic, though, I am a devoted fan of chocolate-caramel turtle cheesecake, but I am equally certain that there is no such thing as a bad cheesecake flavor!
never heard a girl say they were 100% happy with their body unfortunately! I saw Pink 4 weeks ago in Sydney. man, great show. Not sure I will be hanging from my ceiling from a ribbon but very inspiring!
I really hate humble-brags. Those comments that sound like humble claims but are really bragging.
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Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!
原来任督二脉并不是人体经络系统的唯一代表，只是人体经络系统中奇经八脉的一部分。
现金网皇城国际线上 http://imgur.com/CmChwdS