Admit it, you’re going to sing this song this way from now on. It’s so much better.
A scream: It’s not fair!
A surrender, a sigh: It’s not fair.
A realization: It’s not fair…
A cry: It. is. not. fair!
A complaint: It’s not faaaaiiiir.
An apology: It’s not fair.
A prayer; a whisper or a wail: It isn’t fair, Lord.
A question: Life – It’s not fair?
This last one, the question, breaks my heart. It is too much to ask of me. How can I know the answer? My human heart cracks under the weight of betrayal. Of weakness. Of illness and pain and suffering and mockery. But this question deserves an answer. And my son, who looks up at me with liquid eyes, deserves an answer. “Mommy, why are some people born rich and others are born poor?” It’s not what I had expected from the child who’d been fighting – with himself – over a ship built out of 4 Legos for the past hour. My other son answered him flippantly, most likely echoing something he’d heard me say, “Because life’s not fair.” Easy to say for someone who isn’t doing the suffering.
“It’s not fair?” my 7-year-old repeated to me. His question was so honest – he was surprised, in that genuine way only kids can be, that life may not actually be fair.
And of course it isn’t. It never was. But I hate being the one tasked with educating these new little beings about the atrocities of life. Just this morning I found myself explaining civil war and chemical weapons to an 11-, 9-, 7- and 3- year-old. That’s what I get for listening to NPR while I make breakfast. I’d rather have the sex talk any day, frankly. Someone has to tell them though. Eventually they’ll see a rerun of Kim Kardashian’s eleventy million dollar wedding and subsequent divorce 76 days later and realize that Star isn’t an astronomy magazine.
For me, my initiation into that knowledge came in elementary school when I read The Diary of Anne Frank. I remember laying on my bed, wracked with sobs. She was my age! She did nothing wrong! And they just killed her! I could not believe I lived in a world that would do that to a little girl. I was sick. I was livid. But most of all, I wanted off and I wanted my money back.
Twenty years later I’m still waiting on that refund but in the meantime it’s been a heck of a ride. So when my son asked me, I knew he deserved a real answer. I knew what he was looking for was the answer implied in every iteration of “it’s not fair”: Why? Why am I sick when others are whole? Why does math come easy to him but not to me? Why do I have to exercise like a fiend and watch every bite I eat just to maintain “overweight” while she eats whatever she wants? Why do I want to throw up every time I see someone take their gloves off with their teeth because I have a weird aversion to teeth coming into contact with fabric? (Just me?) It’s all horribly unfair.
Here’s what I told him. (And, per my usual, I think I was talking to myself as much as him. I’ve been a lifelong foot-stomper on this issue.)
My darling unblemished son, life is unfair because:
1. It’s how we grow. Sure we can learn and grow from the good stuff in our lives but if we’re honest, it’s been the really really hard stuff that’s shaped us. Mistakes are just lessons waiting to be learned and devastation makes way for tender, new growth. And because I believe God is merciful, I think the pain is just enough for us to grow, and no more. (I’ve never liked that saying “God never gives us something we can’t handle.” Frankly I think he gives us stuff we can’t handle all the time – but then he provides a way for us to grow strong enough to deal with it.) I never would have started writing if I hadn’t been overwhelmed with my need to document my abusive relationship with my ex, taking back with my words what he’d stolen from me with his.
2. You can’t have empathy if you’ve never hurt. And if you don’t have empathy, you can’t have charity which in its purest form is the representation of all that is good in humankind. After battling IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and feeling like I swallowed glass for years, I have nothing but respect and sympathy for people who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis. And because I’ve had a small taste of the utter hopelessness of unremitting pain, I do everything I can to help others in my life who are suffering with that burden. Even if that’s just sitting with them while they cry.
3. Sometimes bad things just happen. I hate this answer but sometimes the best you can say is that you got through it and you hope it never happens again. I still don’t know what the point was in carrying a baby for so long only to have her die almost before she lived. What is the meaning of a life that only one person felt? Yet no one did anything wrong. There was no sin, no error, no crime, no one to blame. Just a simple wrong twist on a tiny strand of DNA. While I don’t think my daughter’s short life was meaningless – quite the opposite – I do think there is no shame in saying that I don’t know why some babies live but mine died.
4. It all evens out. And by this I don’t mean some cosmic (or karmic?) scale will magically balance by the end of our lives. But what I do know is that when it seems that we never get what we deserve, we need to remember that we seldom deserve what we get. Gratitude is everything. Comparisons are odious.
5. I don’t know. Right now I have two friends struggling with two very different but equally devastating life crises. Their stories are not mine to tell but I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to listen. And they have reminded me that sometimes listening is more important than any answer. I do believe that someday we will all know the whys of our lives but in the meantime sometimes no answer is the answer. There’s a certain freedom in giving up the need to know everything now and a certain joy in listening to what fills the silence.
And so I listened to my son when several hours later he snuck up out of bed, pressed a wad of bills and change into my hand – his life savings courtesy of the Tooth Fairy – and said, “I want you to use my money to buy the poor kids food. Oh, and a flashlight, because they’ll need one if they ever have to fight a coyote.” You will remember that coyotes are his greatest fear since moving to Colorado? I think it’s beautiful that he realized every kid has a coyote and I think it’s brave that what he chose to fight that battle is a flashlight and not a gun. I hope someday I can be as beautiful and brave. We could all use more illumination.
It’s not fair. That I am the one who is supposed to teach them when they are the ones with all the wisdom.
I’m stocking up on flashlights, for the next time I have to fight my coyotes.
Your turn. Help me help my son and finish this sentence: “Life is unfair because…” When did you realize that life is tragically unfair? Anyone else have that phobia of chewing on cloth?? Just watching my babies chew on their blankets made my teeth want to crawl back up into my gums. Gah.
Tough one. Sorry, kiddo, no answer except “Because it is.”
Sometimes that’s the only answer!
Beautifully stated, Charlotte (((hugs))) I don’t think anything else is needed. Sometimes something is just “An is”, something we need to learn from. And we just need to keep fanning those flames of hope and help (and the use of a flashlight – how wonderful!)
And my eye opener? Was a child abuse and death story…it never occurred to me up to that point that this would or could even happen. Broke my heart (and still does, to be honest – I understood even less after having my own).
Gah – the child abuse stories are THE WORST. Since I’ve become a mom I can’t even read/listen to them any more. I just can’t.
I think your reasons that life is unfair are PERFECT. I couldn’t say it better myself. This made my day: “But what I do know is that when it seems that we never get what we deserve, we need to remember that we seldom deserve what we get.” I’m a teacher, and I often have to listen to kids exclaim that “It’s not fair!” for stupid little things… like they didn’t get a turn that day, or they didn’t get to line up first, etc. I always respond with, “Yup, I know it’s not fair. Life is not fair, and as soon as you learn that, the happier you will be when you’re old like me!” They usually smile and nod because they’ve been told time and time again life is not fair so it’s easy for them to hear me say it so flippantly. But it’s always in reference to petty little things that aren’t fair… not BIG things that aren’t fair. I think your list explains the BIG reasons very well. 🙂 Your kids are lucky. They have a great mom!
So true about kids getting hung up on the little petty its-not-fairs! I used to think parents were exaggerating when they said their kids fought over who had more water in their dinner glass. NOPE. P.S. Thank you for being a teacher!! You are doing a hard job and I admire you for it:)
Your son’s words and actions made me tear up. You’re doing a good job with that one.
Thank you Mandy:) I can’t take the credit for the sweet little spirits they’re born with but hopefully I’ll do a good job not squelching it, lol.
Great post Charlotte. How sweet is your little boy to want to give his money to feed the poor children. If we could all be like that, this world would be better.
I am discovering how super annoying and unhelpful feeling sorry for oneself is. I am having a lot of stress taking care of a very sick parent. I am running around like a chicken with its head chopped off. I also work full time. The vast amount of work is placed on my shoulders.
Earlier this month, I would listen to my siblings state how busy they were because they had to go to the state fair, or they are busy traveling to enjoy the weekend.
Needless to say, I would feel resentful and hurt. I was battling negative thoughts constantly until I would just burst into tears. But once I stop the “Life is not fair” routine, I felt so much better.
((huge hugs)) Laura! I’m so sorry to hear about your sick parent. I’ve not been in that position yet (knock on wood!) but I can imagine what a struggle that would be to be the caretaker of both them and yourself. It sounds like you have a great attitude about it (although I do wish your sibs would help you out more!). I hope he/she gets better soon!
Charlotte, I love reading all of your posts, and today’s was especially moving today. You have a wonderful gift of noticing things and turning them into an illuminating story through your writing. Thanks for sharing that gift through your blog. Also, your son’s gifts to help make things less unfair were beautiful and made me cry. (Glad I’m not at work yet.) “Every kid has a coyote” – yep!
Aw thank you:) This means a lot to me!
I’m tearing up thinking of him making the world better one flashlight at a time.
Thank you Helene:)
When my brother and sister-in-law’s first baby was stillborn at 36 weeks my seven year old tearfully asked me why. I said because life isn’t perfect and it sometimes isn’t fair. I told him that I really feel that God will make the wrongs into rights in the future, but until then, we have to just focus on the good that happens to us, because an awful lot of bad happens every day. We also need to help others and be kind and generous so we are part of making someone feel better if they feel like things are unfair. It’s hard to help young ones understand the imperfections and unfairness and down right atrocities of the world, especially if they have had a fairly normal, happy childhood, but if we as parents are empathetic, generous and kind to others, we show our children that it’s not ALWAYS unfair. There is good in the world and we can be part of it. Even though we usually can’t right the wrongs, sometimes we can help the ‘rights’ overshadow the wrongs.
As far as phobias, mine is someone sucking on a popsicle stick, or any kind of wet wood on skin feeling. I can’t eat a popsicle on a stick, or walk across a wet deck barefoot, or use a wet wooden stair railing, or have the doctor use a tongue depressor. It’s weird. It literally makes me wretch.
This: ” I told him that I really feel that God will make the wrongs into rights in the future, but until then, we have to just focus on the good that happens to us, because an awful lot of bad happens every day.” is BEAUTIFUL. I love it:) And the wet wood phobia is super interesting! That doesn’t bother me a bit but change tongue depressor to cotton swab and I will retch on the doctor haha.
I find myself (at least trying, I am not perfect), when I think “it’s not fair” to figure out how I’m going to conquer and do it anyways. A crappy, superficial example is that I eat healthy and train a lot, but losing fat is like pulling teeth for me. Other friends walk a bit more and give up soda and change nothing else and they lose a ton of weight. Fair? No. But it’s reality and I either give up or keep plugging away.
Also, my life is pretty awesome lately, so I don’t think it very much.
And this is reason #4601 why I love you:) I also love that you used this example as it’s super common… I should know;)
Rick Wormeli is an educational writer/speaker/activist.One of his books is titled “Fair isn’t Always Equal.” He writes about this concept in the context of classrooms and students getting what they need, not was is exactly the same. Perhaps we need to reframe the discussion? What if it isn’t about fairness? What is fair, really? Do we ever truly know the weight of another’s burdens (got that one from a tea bag, hey wisdom anywhere I can get it)?
Haha tea bag wisdom is the best! I also really like the sayings on the inside of Dove chocolate wrappers;) And good point about reframing the fair discussion!
I held the tears in until I read the part about your son offering his savings to help other children – you have a beautiful family, Charlotte! I think your answers are perfect.
Aw thank you Liza! This means a lot to me:)
Man, I’ve had more pity parties for myself than I can count! And then something happens to snap me out of it, like a homeless man offering ME his money when I had none to give to him. Or realizing that a co-worker, who was continually getting accolades at work, was going through horrible things in her personal life and really needed someone to listen. Or even that not being thin, pretty, hot, or rich “enough” often leads to being more empathetic, kinder, funnier, and hard-working.
Or reading about a child wanting to feed the poor with his money. Now that’s a GREAT kid! His parents are doing something right, with ALL of their kids! <3
I love all your examples! Especially this one: “Or even that not being thin, pretty, hot, or rich “enough” often leads to being more empathetic, kinder, funnier, and hard-working.” You have such a big heart!!
Regarding #1: BRAVO…another standing O!
Regarding #3: I had to come to that conclusion when my youngest was stillborn…sometimes these things just happen because they do. Here’s my thought about “why carry for so long”….I miscarried at 15 weeks before carrying Kelli. I didn’t get to hold him or really even look much because I was in a lot of pain and didn’t think about holding him for longer than it took to think it and then dismiss it because of the pain. I am very grateful that I carried Kelli as long as I did..I had that much longer with her…and I was able to really hold her.
Aw, now I’m crying! That is such a beautiful expression of your faith and love for your kids. So true about getting to spend more time with them, however that comes!
I’ve spent like the last month studying affliction in the scriptures. I never really noticed the word before, but I’ve grown to love it. Not because of what it is (affliction is usually pain or difficulties that are independent of the consequences of your own sins) but what I’ve learned from reading about affliction is awesome. Seriously awesome.
It’s a little heavy for a blog comment so that’s all I’ll say right now. But it’s awesome. And it reminds me that life isn’t fair, but mostly it’s not fair in my favor.
So true – the scriptures are packed with affliction. I love your idea to study that concept specifically, I’m going to try that! (I needed to shake things up with my study anyhow, so thank you for the idea!) And I’m so glad that it’s helped you so much:)
Here’s a little sumthin sumthin about that “god doesn’t give you more than you can handle phrase”, it really cleared up the confusion for me 🙂
http://www.bloggingtheologically.com/2009/07/20/everyday-theology-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/
Oh this was fantastic! Love how they pointed out the misquote on the scriptural reference. Thank you for the link (and the new blog to read)!
You’re back to laying instead of lying. I’m disappointed.
Life is fair. It may not be equal, but it is fair. The two are not the same.
If this is the worst way I ever disappoint you, I’ll be happy;)
Beautiful, Charlotte. Thank you.
Thanks Shellie!
Life is unfair because for generations many people have chosen to gain everything for themselves with no thought about how their decisions affect everyone around them. The consequences of these choices build and build until it seems to almost suffocate us. In the darkest hour, however, is when we can see God’s light. I also believe like you Charlotte that he gives us strength to overcome. I used to ask why he didn’t just fix it, but now I know that he is giving us the will and the strength to bring light into others lives.
I don’t even remember when I learned life wasn’t fair. It was probably at the same time I learned about the circumstances of my birth and the loss of my first childhood friend to juvenile diabetes. That puts it at about two/three. I have vague memories of before, a flash here a laugh there, but for me it’s just always been ingrained right alongside God’s love. I think it says something that while I don’t remember learning life is unfair I do remember the first time I saw light in the darkness. Light always overcomes the darkness. Light brings more joy in a single second than despair that darkness can bring for a lifetime.
This: ” I think it says something that while I don’t remember learning life is unfair I do remember the first time I saw light in the darkness. Light always overcomes the darkness. Light brings more joy in a single second than despair that darkness can bring for a lifetime.” is absolutely beautiful Ame! Thank you so much for sharing!!
To me it’s all about balance. Good things happen and you cherish them. Then sometimes the awful things in life happen. They teach us. We grow strong leaning on each other and when the bad times end we remember them and they make the good things shine that much brighter. Sometimes life is very very unfair….but sometimes it’s glorious 🙂
I love your blog and style of writing. So glad to have found it today. It’s just what I needed. Thank you for sharing your gift
I have the teeth on fabric thng.
Oh my God! Charlotte! It’s YOU!!!!!!! I haven’t even read the article…
I am glad you are back. I don’t know when you came back, but here you are!!!! XXXXXXOOOOOO Shelley Dowl