“TJ is a butt turd!” My 10-year-old self sat back to admire my handiwork: drawn in permanent purple, in foot-high letters, right on the front porch. So everyone who came to our house would know exactly what kind of kid my little brother was. To this day I don’t remember what he had done that so incensed me that I thought this was an appropriate response but I do remember being super proud of myself. All the way until my parents saw it (and my brother’s scribbled response on the sidewalk) and made us spend an afternoon scrubbing concrete with bleach.
Ah, revenge gone awry. Good times! (Some other time we’ll have to talk about revenge with unintended consequences…)
But revenge isn’t just a theme for childhood fantasies and TV dramas (that star sweet, vapid Amy from Everwood as Hampton’s ninja Emily/Amanda – I still can’t wrap my brain around that one). Unfortunately as we get older and more aware of the injustices of life, it becomes more infectious. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.
A friend recently screwed me over. On the scale of betrayal (Would that not make an awesome game show??), it ranks just above the roommate who made out with the boy she knew I liked (in my bed, no less) but just below the time a girl rear-ended me going 2 miles an hour and then sued me for extensive injuries a year later (she lost). My friend is no Snowden. And I knew it. So when she finally ‘fessed up, after months of avoiding me, I shrugged and said, “What’s done is done. No worries.”
Except I did worry. And that worry started to fester just a little bit. Not only had she inconvenienced me but now I was out a significant chunk of cash. I tried not to think about it or at least consider it from her perspective but one night as I lay awake, stewing over the hard little knot it had left in my stomach, I realized what I wanted. I wanted revenge. I’m not normally a vengeful person but the money kept gnawing at me. Plus, her response had felt too glib – apparently she’d taken my directive not to worry at face value and had gone merrily on her way, like Lindsay Lohan after a car crash. (Oopsie! How’s my lipstick?)
But I’d wanted her to feel bad about it! Not, like, forever, but a little acknowledgement of the pain she’d caused would have been nice. And because she didn’t have the apparent decency to feel bad, I wanted to make her feel bad. I spent way too much time considering exactly how I could do that – not my finest hour, to say the least – but I couldn’t think of anything that would have the desired effect that didn’t involve property damage (paging Carrie Underwood!). Then I had an epiphany.
This is why revenge never works: Its success hinges on the other person doing what you want them to – which if that had worked, you wouldn’t be in the situation in the first place.
Oh sure, ostensibly you could force the other person to do what you wanted, at least for a moment, but you wouldn’t be able to control how they felt about it and in the end that’s really what you wanted. So everyone loses. (Proof: Every movie Denzel Washington has ever been in. Okay, except maybe for “Mother Goose: A Rappin’ and Rhymin’ Special. Oh yes, he was in that.)
But I tell you this story not to tell you what she did (which I hope I’ve been vague enough about that no one will recognize the situation as it is not my intent to embarrass her) but to tell you what I did. I decided to just give it away. Yes, that meant the money was really gone. But, let’s be honest, it was already gone anyhow. Stewing about it wasn’t going to make my dollars come home unless suddenly teeth grinding becomes lucrative. But making the decision to just give it – freely, unconditionally, with an open heart – turned it from a loss to a gift. And giving things makes me feel awesome. On her end it changed absolutely nothing but on my end it changed everything. Just like magic the knot was gone and my heart was eased. Yeah, it hurt making the decision but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as hanging on to my anger and bitterness did. And I didn’t lose an otherwise good friend.
You’d think I’d have already learned this lesson by now. There was a time in my life when Revenge! was a major theme. During the court case where I testified against my ex-boyfriend for sexually assaulting me (and a bunch of other people) and then when he went to prison, lots of folks made comments along the lines of “Well now you are finally getting revenge (or vindication) for what he did to you!” Indeed the prosecutor even made a comment to me about how rapists are treated in prison and how I could rest assured that he’d get his. “Don’t drop the soap!”
That made me want to retch. Because revenge was not my motive at all. See, my ex assaulted me five years before he was arrested for sexually abusing a different girl. I was five years past our awful breakup. I was five years past his death threats. I was four years (and two and a half kids) into a healthy marriage to a man whom I deeply love and respect. The last thing I wanted to think about was that awfulness in the past. So it wasn’t revenge that drove me to talk to the police. It was simply because I wanted him to stop hurting people, including himself. And the only way I could see to do that was through the legal system. If he’d kept his promise that I was “the only one” he’d ever done that to then I likely never would have gone to the cops. (I’m not saying that’s right or wrong. I’m simply saying that, as a victim, that was my truth.)
But he didn’t stop himself. So I had to. (Me and the other girls who testified as well. They were amazingly strong – I don’t want to make it sound like I was the Lone Ranger or something.)
I’ve written before about my ambivalence about testifying. It was a 9-month nightmare that was absolutely the worst time of my life – and that includes all my eating disorders and the death of my daughter. I had horrible PTSD. I got hate mail from strangers calling me a slut or worse. I had nightmares every single night and most days to boot. I remember watching the sentencing video from my bed while holding my 2-day old son and wondering how I’d make sure my boy didn’t end up like that boy. And yet I’d probably do the same thing over again. Not for revenge. Not to hurt him. Not to make him sorry for what he did (which, judging by his statement at his sentencing, I’m pretty sure he isn’t). But simply to make him stop. Get help. And since he hasn’t reoffended (that I know of), perhaps my sacrifice worked? I hope so.
I bring this up now because I recently got an e-mail from a sweet girl in a similar situation – and I get an alarming amount of letters like hers – who asked me: “In the end, was it worth it to you to get revenge?”
No. A hundred times no. If you are considering pursuing legal options because you want revenge then you will likely be disappointed. Even when it goes exactly as it should (Does that ever happen?) our justice system can still feel horribly unjust. Because even if he actually goes to jail – which is rare enough – and he is forced to pay some physical penance for what he did, you still can’t make him feel sorry that he hurt you. You can’t make him feel anything.
I remember one of the lowest moments for me in the court case was when the prosecutor told me my ex was challenging my testimony because he didn’t even remember me. I’ve been left in the years since to wonder if I really was so inconsequential to him that he could shatter me and then step over the shards as if nothing happened or if it was one more way he was still trying to manipulate me – to tell me I was so below nothing that he wouldn’t even acknowledge I existed much less was a person he hurt.
If that’s one thing I learned from the court case it’s that I never was a person to him. I was a plaything, to be used and abused, and then thrown away when I no longer served my purpose. That the love I had honestly felt for him was a total farce on his part. And how do you get revenge for that? How do you make someone feel the pain of being willed out of existence? You can’t. No amount of jail time will fix that.
So, sweet reader, am I telling you not to press charges? Not to testify? No. I do actually think there are many good reasons to take him to court. I just don’t think revenge is one of them. Revenge never works. (Unless you’re Austin Powers, in which case sally forth.)
The only way I’ve made peace with my past is forgiveness. And I don’t mean forgiving him – although I’ve done my best to do that too. I mean forgiving me. The court case was almost as much about punishing myself for all my mistakes both in the five years previous and for not coming forward sooner and sparing all the victims that came after me (and yes I’ve had a lot of therapy since to disabuse me of that guilt) as it was about punishing him. It’s taken way more work to forgive that scared, hurt, young girl who was in over her head and didn’t know to do anything but cry. But one of the ways I honor her existence and humanity is to keep talking about this.
To you, dear e-mailer, (and to all of you who haven’t written it out but think it): I love you. You are strong and brave and beautiful. You are more than this moment and some day this will be just one footnote in your life book. Whatever you choose is the right choice for you. Believe your own voice, even if no one else does. And if you choose to speak out about this – whether it be in a court room or a chat room – know that I hear you. You are not alone.
And someday – not today and maybe not for a lot of days (and that’s ok!) – you too will be able to say “What’s done is done. No worries.” And mean it for yourself. There is peace to be found.
***
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted revenge? What happened? Anyone have advice to add to (or correct) mine, for the letter writer?
P.S. I really worried about posting this. It’s not that funny. It gets a little preachy. And mostly because I don’t want you guys to think I’m making myself out to be some kind of saint or something. Rather I hope that by reading this – and knowing how much I screw up – you will realize that if I can work through my revenge fantasies then you can too! I mean, especially with my friend in the first example, it’s not like I’ve never disappointed someone or been a jerk. So yeah, we’re all in this together…
Charlotte, anyone who has read your blog for ANY length of time knows that you are not preachy or that you think of yourself as a saint. As I read this post and came to the end, I wanted to stand up and clap and cheer. I would have woken people up, so I just clapped and cheered on the inside! I am glad you are continuing to talk about this…and anything else that is on your mind.
At the moment I want revenge (and my money) from my scumbag ex-landlord, who I need to take to small claims court to get back my security deposit. 10 years of being dream tenants, and he’s trying to keep our $2,000 to do basic maintenance he should have done 10 years ago. I want his credit rating to plummet. I want everyone in the neighborhood to know what an a$$hole he is. I want him to suffer major indigestion and constipation because he never knows when that summons is going to be delivered.
About a year ago, I had an incident with my next door neighbor. It was awful and ugly and the way she behaved was so far removed from how rational adults behave that I was just completely stunned. For a good 6 months afterward I had a knot in my gut over the whole thing and an intense hatred of her. Finally though I realized that I was giving her way too much of my time and energy. I read somewhere that hating someone or wanting revenge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. It just doesn’t do any good.
Charlotte, I think that you put it so well by saying that what we really want in “revenge” is for the other person to feel a certain way. I’ve had numerous situations of friends betraying me and me feeling utterly wrecked by their actions and then by their callousness. Three very upsetting incidences stands out for me that taught me exactly what you described (and they happened to occur simultaneously in inter-related incidences, lucky me).
For two of the offending parties I tried pleading with them and then expressed anger at them, but eventually I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make either of them right their respective wrongs or to even apologize for the emotional pain and financial stress they had caused me. In one of the cases, I had to swallow it and move on, there was nothing left to do. In the other, I had to seek police help and legal representation, not out of revenge but because he escalated the situation such that I was afraid he would do me physical harm. I’ve forgiven both of them, one on the level of being able to chat if we are around each other, and the other on the level of the past is the past but I hope I never see him again.
The third case was an emotional betrayal by my best friend, related to an incidence I referred to above. I think, though, by that time in this whole saga I was too hurt and broken to want revenge or to try to make her understand how much she hurt me. But also I think that by that time I had learned the lesson you portrayed here, that what is done is done and that you can’t make someone feel a certain way. Six years later and it still comes up once in a while and it still stings, even though I’ve long since forgiven her and we’re still close friends.
Once upon a time someone I love very, very much did something that hurt me very, very badly. It wasn’t directed at me, but the choices they made affected everything in my life and I was so mad at the hurt they caused me. I started treating them badly in an effort to make them hurt as badly as I hurt. I didn’t think they were sorry enough. One day they looked at me and said “Just because my pain doesn’t look like yours doesn’t mean that I’m not suffering the full weight of the consequences of my actions.”
That taught me a huge lesson. Just like you said you can’t make someone else feel as bad or the way you feel. Sometimes they continue their bad behavior to try and put off the consequences of their actions, but that is a nightmare all on its own. Most of the time, in their own way, and in their own time, they are hurting worse than you.
Interesting post. I’m not a revengeful person at all. I take my distances to protect myself, that’s all.
Charlotte, this is the embodiment of everything good in us that comes from G-d, or the Universe, or whatever we believe in.
2 recent encounters have opened my eyes to the fact that some people are too narcissistic (in the psychological definition) to be able to have any empathy. And trying to bring them around to any POV other than their own is not only an exercise in futility, but a way of continuing to hurt ourselves, as well.
One of these incidents made me SO angry that I could barely function for a few days. I wanted the other person to suffer. Badly. I imagined numerous ways of making that suffering happen. In the end, I realized that a) I don’t want to be the type of person who willfully and purposefully hurts someone else, b) I didn’t want to be responsible for the collateral damage and c) This person is to be pitied, as are those around them. Finally, this is a person I have to see on a regular basis. But I no longer will waste any time or empathy on them. I will be civil, but we won’t have any more lengthy (and mostly one-sided) conversations.
There will never be peace in revenge. But truly letting go and finding forgiveness (especially for ourselves) WILL bring peace.
Please don’t be worried about posting this! I loved it.. I bookmarked it for later in fact. I enjoy all your writing (well researched health info? Yes, please!) but it’s your writing about all the tough stuff you have been though that I truly love. Revenge is such an ugly thing.. sounds like a fine idea at the time, but it does seem like it comes back and bites you in the butt in the end. Making peace with yourself is definitely the way to go. Thank you for the great read 🙂
Thanks for this. I didn’t take mine to court, though in retrospect maybe I should have. And while I still struggle with anger issues (and a host of other issues besides) that it all happened to me, I don’t want revenge. Because you’re right, I can’t make him feel that what he did was wrong, and that’s the only thing I’d want from him.
Charlotte, you’re not preachy, you’re just real. That’s why we read you 🙂
Hm. I don’t think, after much reflection, that I am a vengeful person. I don’t like “getting even” and I’m not sure I’ve ever tried. Maybe I’ve just never been burned badly enough (just kidding!) or maybe it’s trying to follow the advice in the bible of forgiving, but I have never been one to ‘get someone back’. I worked with a woman who was a genius when it came to revenge, and I really disliked being around her. It was a horrible personality trait and when I thought about how much good she could’ve done with her smarts and how much time she wasted getting offended, thinking up revenge, and then carrying it out, it would almost make me physically ill. (Talk about walking on eggshells all the time! She was a nightmare to work with.) I’m not saying that if you’ve been legally wronged you shouldn’t take proper legal action, but I think in personal life far too many people hang on to hurt far to long and yearn for retribution in unhealthy ways. It’s only for your own peace you let go. The other person may never come ’round to your way of thinking, so why waste the time…
Oh no! Grammar! “…far TOO long”… I also ended a sentence with a preposition. Will you ever forgive me!? : )
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There was a story last week on NPR about forgiveness along these lines. Been on my mind alot. It said that the key to forgiving was being able to know that the person was not going to do you any further harm. So, you either had to remove the harm…or you had to make yourself immune to the harm. Letting go of the relationship, or giving the money freely might do that for you. In my case, I don’t seem to be able to let go of the relationship that is hurting me…so I am still waiting for the next time the person hurts me. I can’t figure out how to let go and move on. I don’t believe they will stop their hurtful behavior, as they have not shown any desire to change, so the change is all up to me. So hard.
I am going to try to find this story on NPR. Sounds really insightful!
I used to have a lot more anger and vengeance in my life. Since then I’ve realized if someone keeps you up at night like that, it’s probably time to let them go from that inner circle (or completely – that’s NOT FUN AT ALL but sometimes you have to draw boundaries). I feel like it’s bad karma to wish negative things against people, so I try not to do that (though I am certainly not perfect), but sometimes you just need to give people space to do their thing, if it’s not jiving with your thing.
I’ve also learned (the hard way) not to lend anyone money that I wouldn’t be comfortable not getting back. Had quite a few friendships ruined over that, being young and responsible with money/my credit card/savings, and friends who were, shall we say, not so. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to give people what they want, even if it’s within your power to do so, because it means a lot less to them if they didn’t earn it.
Thanks for the Friday think! 🙂
Charlotte, you are such an amazing, inspiring person. I love you!
You wonderful woman.
Thank you for a reminder I very badly needed today.
Charlotte, you are truly amazing, inspiring person. you are so open to share your experiences with your audience too.
Keep doing as you have been doing already.
My feeling is that anger, resentment, nurturing revenge is (as variously ascribed by Nelson Mandela, Gandhi and my Dad) like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.
It is all a poison that saturates every aspect of your being and existence, shaves your soul and taints everything in your life.
I also truly believe that, as the scripture says…vengeance is God’s…
He knows when it is justified…(and He can do it better than me). So I leave it in His hands.
That being said…there IS the aspect of justice…and the guilt you, Charlotte Hilton Anderson, have felt for not coming forward sooner and “sparing all the victims who came after you”.
Let me help to disabuse you of that by giving you this to consider:
In the justice system…it rarely goes as it should…and he may not even have been convicted with your evidence alone.
As is often pointed out in the television show CRIMINAL MINDS…they often need MORE “data”…MORE “evidence”…and that usually sadly translates to more victims…in order to make a case and get a conviction.
Had you pursued action at that time…and it fell short…it may have worked in his favor further down the road….an acquittal or a dismissal…tainting the case against him that he was later arrested for.
But the combined strength of all of his victims…the ones who were willing to testify against him…including you and the ones who came AFTER you….were what shut him down.
When you look at it from THAT perspective…I think you have to look at the probability that YOU Charlotte Hilton Anderson…DID IT RIGHT.
No guilt necessary.
I think revenge is appropriate in certain cases, when it is more on the justice side of the spectrum. For instance, stopping abuse by reporting a crime/abhorrent behavior. On the other side of the revenge spectrum, when it is risky, non-beneficial and/or impulsive, it just hurts everyone involved and creates a cycle of revenge. Initially, no one likes to be on the forgiving side; long-term though, it’s the most peaceful, as the other side will eventually feel remorse, the pain of their anti-social l and destructive behavior, and/or at the very least have some worry about that someone they hurt someday coming back to get “theirs”.