Yoga as a wet t-shirt contest? Fail, Planet Yoga. Plus, her Bow Pose is really not that well done. Not that I’m judging other people’s yoga practice but I figure if you’re going to be modeling yoga for Planet Yoga you should probably at least try and get your knees together? Although this was my first time ever photoshopping pasties – so, that’s fun.
There was a tempest in the proverbial chai herbal-infused detox teapot a couple of weeks ago when famed yoga guru and self-confessed perv Cameron Shayne put up a post about why it’s not only hot for yoga teachers to have sex with their students but it’s also very cool because it’s, like, relaxing and athletic and a natural bodily function and part of the whole yoga experience and a bunch of other garbage that I couldn’t read because I was too busy pearl-clutching over his atrocious grammar. (Lesson #1: Never trust a dude with two first names.) He argued that the power dynamic between teacher and student that normally makes such relationships verboten isn’t the same in yoga because… yoga.
Have you done yoga? Moreover, have you done hot yoga? Between the teeeeny little outfits and the glistening cleav (both ends!) and heavy breathing it’s a wonder that naked yoga didn’t take off before. Not to mention that yoga guru-guree sexcapades have been causing scandal for the better part of a century. Have you ever read up on Bikram’s history? Yeah. And while Shayne’s (can that seriously be his real name? Or did he adopt it after answering one of those find-your-stripper-name quizzes?) opinion may be a little on the extreme end, he is not the only one attracted to the meditative discipline for all the sexy sexiness.
Take, for instance, today at my kid’s school pickup. As I waited outside I stood next to a mom in teeny Lululemon shorts and a bra top. Did I mention it was an elementary school? At 2 in the afternoon? And 50 degrees outside? But I immediately realized what a judgy mcjudgerson I was being in my seasonally appropriate sweater-scarf-and-jeans combo (ah the mom uniform!) and so I smiled and asked, “Oh did you just come from working out?” Heaven knows I’ve shown up plenty of places in random sweaty workout gear because I didn’t have time to change. Sure I’d probably have thrown a jacket on before going out to a place full of children but… STOP JUDGING, CHARLOTTE, OKAY? Okay.
The woman, interrupting my idiotic inner monologue, winked at me and said, “Oh, I had yoga this morning but I just stayed in my clothes because they’re so comfy. And for all the daddy double takes.” Heaven help me I wish I were making this up. As I snuck a glance around to see how many “daddies” there actually were available to do the ogling, she added, “Yoga just makes me feel so sexy, you know?”
I… don’t know, actually.
On one hand, I get how yoga can be sexy. I even get how it can make you feel sexier. (All that core control’s got to be good for something beyond holding yourself up in a Crow Pose that looks nothing like an actual crow!) And yet I do not want my yoga to be sexy. At all. And I really don’t like how the yoga culture is moving from one of body acceptance, meditation and world peace to one of expensive showy clothes, bored rich ladies and gurus who feel it’s part of the “yoga experience” to “give up your power” to your teacher by having sex with him. (Shayne actually euphemistically wrote in his defense for why he sleeps with his students, “I believe it is necessary [for the student] to relinquish their power, in order to co-create and co-occupy a space for learning. Someone must concede power to the other, in some way shape or form, in order to become the student, employee or underling of the other.” UNDERLING?! See, it’s good for you! Anyone else need a shower?)
I’ll take dirty-footed hippies rolled in incense and talking about my third eye any day over a lady who got a fresh pedi for the class so she can look appropriately bang-able.
I think my main beef with this mentality is that I, personally, don’t use yoga to feel sexual. Of course sometimes I’ve been in a random pose and giggled like a 12-year-old boy because… down dog. But most of the time I’m there because I need (NEED) to chill out, stretch and release some pent up emotion by doing a moving meditation. All of this makes me feel, well, more vulnerable in yoga than I do in other fitness classes. There’s a huge difference for me between kick boxing and yoga and it’s not just that one encourages yelling while the other will get you ejected for yelling. For one, there’s the very hands-on nature of yoga. Between close mats, wobbly balance and teachers adjusting poses there can be a lot of stranger-touching.
So here’s a story I’ve never told anyone. (Except Gym Buddy Allison.) Some time ago, I was taking a yoga class from a very popular male instructor. It was hot yoga in the evening and the room was packed. The yoga guru walked around the room, stopping every few people to adjust a pose – sometimes pushing back on hips to deepen a pose or moving a limb to adjust an angle. Standard stuff. Stuff I’m used to and am not bothered by. But when he got to me – and you have no idea what this is taking me to write right now – he took my hand and put it on his crotch. Not brushing it. Like ON his junk. I was facing away from him so he couldn’t see my face but even if he could have the insane blush probably wouldn’t have shown through all the sweat. After an awkward half-breath where I was still trying to register what was happening, I jerked my hand away. And that was it. Nothing else happened. I spent the rest of the class trying to decide if it was one of those awkward gym moments that just sometimes happens when you get a bunch of people in close proximity and then tell them to do spastic things with their bodies – if you recall, I once accidentally smacked a fellow bootcamper in the crotch when we were running laps and he jumped to avoid something on the ground and ran into me and I wasn’t paying attention and I flailed to avoid falling and … yeah. SUPER AWKWARD. We spent the next mile vigorously apologizing to each other and turning different shades of embarrassed.
But this time? I wasn’t so sure it was an accident. It had felt very deliberate. I’m not dumb. Or am I? By the end of the class, I just didn’t want to think about it. I was completely embarrassed and was wondering if I’d done something to make that happen. I mean, I was friendly with him in class but never more than socially friendly. Was I? We’d never hung out or even had a conversation that went beyond yoga or “How’s your day?” Did I? I wasn’t wearing anything revealing. And yet, had I given him some signal that…? No. Just no. It had to be an accident. I thanked him at the end of class and left telling myself not to be so darn sensitive.
Maybe I should just be glad it wasn’t this.
The next week, however, found me circling the parking lot with a sick feeling in my stomach. Where I had previously adored that class the truth was, accident or not (and I may never know which it honestly was), I no longer felt safe there. All my physical vulnerabilities felt exposed and raw and I just couldn’t do yoga comfortably in a place where I was constantly going to have to be on guard for another “accident.” Because if it wasn’t him then that meant it had to be me, right? And I have long had issues with not being good at enforcing my own boundaries – one of the major factors that made a prime target for being sexually assaulted in college. Could I lie* on my back in Savasana and close my eyes without worrying what he was thinking? Nope. I drove out of the parking lot and went home.
Since that day I’ve never gone to a yoga class with a male teacher. Ever.
And I never wrote about it until my conversation with the yoga mom at the school today. Because I still have a great deal of shame about it. I worry what my friends will think. What my husband will think. Heaven help me, what my dad will think. But I didn’t do anything wrong! I swear I didn’t!! (Maybe more exclamation points will make you believe me? !!1!) Anyhow, the point of this is not to have a Charlotte-is-a-sad-panda/victim moment. Other than some lingering embarrassment, I’m fine. Nothing else ever happened. I ran into that yoga teacher a couple of times afterward in the gym and he asked me why I didn’t come to class anymore and I said I was too busy and we laughed about how life is like that and went on our ways. I took care of myself and kept myself safe. (To be honest I’m really proud of honoring my own discomfort and trusting my own feelings around the event enough to allow myself to quit the class. There have been times in my life where I would not have done that.)
No, I’m writing this because this is exactly why I think it’s dangerous to make yoga about the sex. At its best, it’s a place of intense healing, trust and meditation. It can be very spiritual. But to feel all that, you have to allow yourself to be really open which can make the student very vulnerable. For a teacher to use that to his/her advantage is not only morally reprehensible but I think it should also be against the yoga teacher code of ethics. (There’s got to be one somewhere, right?) And if a student does start to have sexual feelings for their teacher? It’s still their job to recognize the student is in a vulnerable place and that it’s not the same as being approached in a bar.
And yet, not everyone feels this way. In response to Shayne’s post, lots of people commented along the lines of “Hey, you do you!” and “Yoga butts are the only reason I go!” and “Two consenting adults? What’s the problem?” The problem is when those of us who don’t use yoga as a singles mixer get caught in the crossed signals. I’m there to relax, unwind, breathe and be in my own head, not get you off. And say what you will about everyone there being adults but I still think there is a huge power differential between teacher and student – especially in yoga where popular teachers are revered as “gurus” and “healers.”
What do you think – should yoga be sexy? Am I missing an important part of what yoga is because I’m weird about stuff like this? Has anyone else ever had a, um, awkward experience like mine??
*I used the right verb this time!
I have, unfortunately, had a very similar experience. In India. It was completely awkward in all respects, since I was also the rich, western woman. Someone told me afterwards that it was sort of a male prostitution going on at this place. I am not sure – but it was terrible! And I never went back to that yoga centre.
Being a prof myself, I am allergic to sexual relationships between teachers and students and I agree with you. It is the teacher’s responsibility. You can never, NEVER, use your power over a student for sex! Unfortunately, it is not uncommon in the academic world that some professors act like Shayne, although they would not admit it openly, since that would – thankfully – get them fired.
The question about yoga, or even fitness, and sexual attraction is also interesting. I know many, including myself and the princess of Sweden, who have found themselves attracted to their personal trainers, for example. The princess even married hers, who one day will become the king of Sweden. But that is of course another topic… 😉
Why on earth does everything these days have to be about appearance, sex and competition??!! Instead of keeping things simple, society seems hell bent on stressing itself out. All you need for yoga is a mat…it doesnt matter what you wear or if your toenails are painted a pretty pink. The reason you are there is to nurture your body and soul why does something fun and enjoyable always have to get twisted into something that is psycho analysed to the extreme. We are such a selfish society! I am even hearing women saying they go to certain church groups in the hope of meeting eligible men…HELLOO???!!!!! That is SAAADDDD!! We need to stop doing the “right” things for all the wrong reasons!
What pose were you doing that there would be any way in which your hand would get put on this guy’s crotch by accident? That yoga teacher sounds like a creep, and I can’t imagine how you could mistake the situation. Glad that you got away and never went back. That said, we can all name wonderful male yoga teachers who are perfectly appropriate: I have known 2 for years.
Also, you wrote, “I have long had issues with not being good at enforcing my own boundaries – one of the major factors that made a prime target for being sexually assaulted in college.” I know that’s how you might feel, but is it okay to label yourself that way? If you had never been sexually assaulted, would you still think that about yourself? Is that a round-about way of blaming yourself? It’s not like there are people who always have perfect boundaries — everyone has momentary lapses due to sleep deprivation, loneliness, adjustment to a new situation, or bullying by mean people.
Do NOT feel bad Charlotte! Of course you didn’t do that or cause it. And it doesn’t really matter whether he meant to-you felt uncomfortable and you took action to change that situation. Good for you. I had a yoga teacher who just didn’t sit right with me-he never did anything, but something about him just… Bugged me. If you’re getting more tense because of the teacher, ts counter productive. And whether he did it on purpose, not your fault!
I’m also pretty much with you on this one. If I’m going to go there and stick my butt in the air, I want some reassurance that my vulnerability won’t be taken advantage of. And there’s a power dynamic with teachers and students that isn’t there if one student asks another out that somehow makes it worse.
Let me add that if going to class makes you feel empowered of sexy, great. And if there’s obvious mutual flirting between two parties, great. I think the thing that gets me is this attitude that I feel sexy and find other people sexy so I’m going to get enjoyment from t or act on it-whether it’s reciprocal or not.
“I think the thing that gets me is this attitude that I feel sexy and find other people sexy so I’m going to get enjoyment from t or act on it-whether it’s reciprocal or not.”
I think you nailed it right there.
Yup!
I love your blog, but I think this is a bit like telling women that wearing revealing clothing is a reason they were assaulted. Wearing tight, revealing outfits to yoga and embracing one’s body and sexuality may be empowering to some, while others may honor the tradition and spirituality behind yoga. To me, it doesn’t matter what you get out of it as long as it safely benefits you and psyche. Those people who take it too far and use it as an excuse to abuse their power, well, they’d do it if everyone was wearing sweatpants. I don’t think I need to tell anyone it’s about power and control, not sexuality. We all know that. I just think it’s a wee bit judgey to say that there’s only one mindset to have to practice yoga, and if you bring the sexy, you endanger or disrupt the practice of all those people with the opposite mindset. I totally see where you are coming from Charlotte, but this night be a case were you are projecting a bit of your insecurities. In exercise, can’t we all be free to be you and me?
We can be free to be you and me as long as ‘me’ doesn’t infringe on ‘you’ or vice-versa. And, like it or not, a person is judged by the way they dress,speak, and act. That’s just how it is. Is it fair?Maybe not, but if person A can bring their feelings of sexiness in yoga to the table, why is it ‘judgey’ for person B to bring their insecurities to the table, too? Both are valid feelings. This discussion is one of the reasons I now enjoy working out at home. Its only my kids there and they don’t care how sexy or insecure I feel in my capris. That’s really freedom.
I get what you’re saying, but I’m saying it that you can’t necessarily blame an individual for contributing to a “culture of sexy” when it comes to yoga. So what if one mom wears yoga hot pants and a midriff top and rocks it and feels sexy and great? So what if 100 do? I just think the argument in the post went like this:
-Woman wears tiny outfit and talks about how yoga makes her feel sexy
-Musing on how yoga culture is moving towards the sexualization of yoga, where some people don’t really worry about that and focus on the practice and thought intended behind it (Also a valid point)
-A rapid jump in logic from the above to sexual passes and even assault (what I call it when a male grabs a woman’s hand and places it on on his crotch)
I guess I think it’s reaching to think that because there’s a focus on wearing cute clothing to feel sexy somehow leads to inappropriate behavior by instructors. We shouldn’t give men the pass that we, as women, create a sexual culture where men just can’t help themselves and act like perverts. We need to give men more credit and assume that they can control themselves even in the face of women in tight pants, and also call groping behavior what it is, assault, not just someone being a creep and letting his hormones overrun him in the face of too much female sexuality. We can’t blame other women’s dress for how men treat us…we should just put the blame squarely on the men who objectify and harass women.
Just suppose that instead of a mom, Charlotte ran into a dad at the school pick-up zone wearing nothing but a Speedo, and he commented that he liked all the mommy double-takes. Do you also think this would be OK?
Yes – excellent reply!! And . 🙂
Ummmm, that’s not an “awkward experience,” it’s sexual assault. (Unless, as you say, it was an accident, but it sure doesn’t sound like an accident.) And the guy who wrote the article is a creep…let me tell you, as a teacher (who teaches adults as well as children and has been asked out by several adult male students), that whole thing really pisses me off. It is so unethical to date a student! I can’t believe this guy is trying to legitimize it!
Wow. I’m shocked by your story but not shocked at the same time. Not shocked because the setting is ripe for it (person in place of power taking advantage of underlings) but still shocked (holy, crap, he wasn’t even subtle or anything. . .what a brazen PIG!).
I think my personality helps insulate me from a lot of things, like women competing with each other over how cute their yoga clothes are and things like that. I avoid “popular” yoga studios like the plague because I’m not a big fan of people in general. I found a good studio that has later evening classes so there aren’t as many students and they’re mostly older folks (I’m getting closer and closer to being “older” myself–if “older” means 40+).
The one male instructor I’ve practiced with regularly has a mostly hands off policy. He’s very good at helping folks adjust their poses without touching them (or only touching a hand/foot/ top of shoulder).
Good lord, Charlotte, I am SO SORRY that happened to you. That is awful and that teacher should be ashamed of himself. Truly. It seems like so often these male teachers have a cult of personality around themselves and have no sense of boundaries or other people’s HUMANITY. For me, that’s what it boils down to: do you see the women in your class as human beings or as places you want to put your penis? I am so saddened by that story and I wish I could hug you and then we could go together and put a flaming bag of dog poop on his porch. High-fives would ensue.
I can understand why exercise in general can make someone feel sexy, that’s fine..I’m on board with that, I guess. Maybe it’s my conservative upbringing, but the word sexy makes me feel awkward so I will say “attractive” and “confident”. Exercise does make people feel more confident and attractive.
The yoga-sex teacher, Shayne, he just needs to control his hormones. period. His entire article gave me the creeps..like when a college prof. dates his/her undergrad student.. sure consenting adults, legal, but you can’t throw morality or even ethics right out the window like that. Just because there aren’t rules or regulations on the matter, it doesn’t make it right. (it would be different student-student, teacher-teacher, member-member; the issue is the authority-subordinate relationship)
As for yoga itself being sexy;… I don’t think the gym should be a giant show. I get the wearing cute clothes, decent hair, but reality: you should be there to workout.. if you want to look hot and glam over working out go to happy hour. I just ignore it, its not negatively impacting me. It doesn’t bother me until those people complain about “no results” or “gain so much weight since joining the gym” or “OMG! Why does everyone stare at my butt/make sexual remarks to me?” (okay, so some people can’t do the tiny outfit = more stares math, I get that, but after a few months, it should be really obvious…) Anyways, for me: gym = not glam/hot chick time–real, unretouched me; happy hour/club/bar/date night = glam/hot chick disguise time.
Yes, you can find some one to date at the gym; just like dating someone you met at the library or church; you already have something in common. This is OK, even dating a trainer or staff member is fine; as long as the person isn’t your trainer or instructor. I find too many trainers and instructors use the gym as their hook-up grounds. It makes things awkward for everyone. As a person working in the industry, I have dated a few members (not my clients and we typically run into each other somewhere besides the gym before we actually talk and they have to be pretty freaking special 😛 hahaha). But, most of the time nothing came of it and we just remained friends–waaaay more friendships have come out of my job. Rambling, anyways, it’s okay to date someone from the gym, just realize someone may get hurt and the gym may get awkward, so pick and choose wisely, especially as someone employed by the gym.
Well, from my experience I have found that I really get a lot out of the larger environment of the community while doing yoga, and that different places I’ve practiced have had very different communities. One studio near my house made me feel as of everyone there was more interested in being “seen” doing yoga in their cute/sexy outfits than in practicing. That studio is not for me. And in general I’m not interested in a sexy vibe while working out.
I will say that I don’t find student/teacher relationships automatically horrifying, though I totally agree Shayne is creepy. At my studio the teachers tend to emphasize they are guides, not instructors, and while they are knowledgeable and well trained, for most of them teaching yoga is a side job, not a profession. They are moms and teachers and small business people who also teach yoga, and for me these factors lesson the superior/subordinate relationship that could be taken advantage of. Also there is no sexy vibe in class, where one gets the sense people are treating the class like a singles club, so if it did happen I would think yoga was only a means of introducing them.
It’s not a surprise to me I guess that yoga is being sexified – practically everything in this culture is, particularly if it’s in a magazine. But the yoga I know and love is so far from sexy that I can’t find this idea anything but repulsive. Almost as repulsive as the idea of dressing sexy to go pick up your children from school.
I think that consenting adults should do what they please. And wear what they please, and be sexy OR not in yoga class or at the gym (or, odd as we might find it, picking up your kids from school!). Charlotte, I have to disagree with you for judging other woman on what they choose to wear, even though the way you talked to her showed me what a wonderful person you are anyway.
I also have to disagree with you about the incident in your yoga class, IF you think that in any way that was your fault. That sounds like a completely inappropriate thing for the instructor to do, no matter how friendly you might have been to him. It is NOT your fault. He sounds like a creep, just like the author of the article.
I guess I’m saying, let’s judge the creepy men, rather than the women who might want to wear something that they deem comfortable even if we don’t. And not ourselves either.
Dear girl, what do I think? I think the guy was being a perv. I think you did nothing wrong. Of course, sweating in spandex with strangers isn’t my thing, but that’s another story! Always luv you, Dad
I have serious, serious issues with people wanting everything to be sexy. That’s just disgusting. Do we really want people we don’t know to be sexually aroused when they look at us all the time? Is that really a feeling of power to them? Because honestly that would make me feel so disgusting and creepy knowing that every person was looking at me like that. So. Gross.
Also, let’s stop describing inanimate objects as sexy. Like curtains, or dishes. Not sexy. I hate the misuse of that word.
Lastly, I would have had such a hard time not punching that woman in the face. Seriously. I know it sounds like an overreaction (and it probably is because I tend to do that) but why is that okay, and “fun” to do? Sure, some of those dads may be single, but most of them probably are married. Why would you do that? Would you want to encourage men to look at you like that? (Note: One of my biggest pet peeves about modesty discussions is when we tell girls that how they dress controls how boys act. We can never control another persons agency, no matter what, but that’s a topic for a different day.) I do not understand that attitude at all.
Apparently I have issues.
I take that last line back. I am not apologizing for my opinions. I know, for once, I have my head on straight with this one. Maybe a little overly passionately, but it’s straight.
Amen, sister. I feel similarly. I find it very selfish when anyone, man or woman, uses others without their consent to feel better about themselves…such as dressing sexy on purpose to get others to stare at rhem, thus boosting their ego but maybe making the married guy looking feel like a jerk foe looking. It seems so sneaky.
*married or committed guy or girl, I should say. It goes both ways.
Hmm… I guess I get the “don’t judge women by what they wear” idea, but on the other hand, surely there are places where dressing in a sexy and revealing way is clearly inappropriate? None of us have been appointed to be the outfit police, and obviously there’s no clearly drawn lines. But would it be acceptable for this woman to pick up her preschooler wearing a string bikini if she thought it were “comfortable?” Would it be OK if she were picking up her highschooler and mentioned how she likes all the teenager double takes? It is true that women are judged harshly in our society based on what they wear, but IMO it is ALSO true that women shouldn’t feel as if they can wear anything they want at any time and not be judged to be creepy. In my opinion, this particular woman is over that line, especially since she mentioned that’s part of why she’s doing it.
What the holy hell.
Seriously, lady, don’t EVEN start to question your behavior in that situation.
You did nothing wrong–NOTHING.
He is the creep and douchecanoe in this situation, and I hope someone reports his wildly inappropriate ass in the very near future–he is taking advantage of students, who are vulnerable *by definition*.
I…just…RAGE.
1) That yoga teacher was a creep! You did NOTING wrong!
2) Your dad ROCKS! 🙂
3) Cameron Shayne skeeves me out.
If 2 consenting adults want to have a relationship outside of class/the studio, fine. But leave it at the door. And no, no one in a relationship should EVER “give up their power” to the other person.
When I did my (uncompleted) yoga teacher training, it was made clear that we were there to guide. Not to become gurus, not to be the be-all/end-all, and to keep it professional. Not that we couldn’t have friendships with the students, or hang out, but during class and while at the studio/gym, there were boundaries. We were representatives of the studio/gym. If we wanted to go for coffee or on a date with a client, it was to be done outside, on our own time.
As for that other mom, well, I just find it kinda sad. She probably has a lot going for her, but thinks people like her mainly for what she looks like. Just my humble opinion.
you did nothing wrong, that guy is a creep.
Also, you should be able to do your yoga in a safe environment in which you feel free to just do yoga. That is to say: without having to worry about how sexy you appear to others, without having to worry about the yoga teacher and without it becoming all about appearance or anything.
This whole yoga-is-sexy thing makes me careful about where and when I do yoga, I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all doing yoga in front of men. I’ve seen to many memes on the internet about how (some) men think about that.
Uh, I so feel you on this one. I DO feel sexy doing yoga but that doesn’t mean some perv should feel free to try to whatever me.
I’m so sick of men abusing their power to take advantage of girls and women. We should be able to trust professionals. I don’t think I know a single woman that won’t see a male (fill-in-the-blank) for this reason. Masseuse, yoga teacher, doctor, personal trainer. And most of us made this rule because of a bad personal experience.
There IS a code of yoga ethics, and even a very well written book explaining the “Ethical Practice of Yoga”- they are called the Yamas and Niyamas. I tried to read the piece by Shayne, and had to stop because of all the dry (and not so dry) heaving it induced. I am no guru, but one of the Yamas is non-possessiveness. This means that all of the crap he was spewing about giving up power means he is trying to take power. He sounds a lot like he is not interested in the spiritual act that he claims sex with his students is, and instead is interested in possessing his students. I practice on a regular basis, and there is no part of me that feel like sex should be involved. You nailed it when you said that it is a vulnerable space, and in order to get the most from your practice you really have to be comfortable and not feel like your yoga instructor is sizing you up or might make a pass at you! That is so shameful! I am really sorry that happened to you, but I don’t think you are being weird at all by feeling uncomfortable! Something like that would make me complain to the studio owner (or at least one of the female teachers I trust).
I agree with Emily, that the result of yoga and exercise can make you feel confident and attractive, but it shouldn’t be the reason we do any of these things. Yoga is meant to be a spiritual practice that helps bring you closer to the real you- not about the “yoga butt” phenomenon or wearing sexy expensive clothes! I happily practice in one of 2 pairs of pants (I am a broke grad student) and any one of a number of old tank tops that I have had since probably high school.
I really would love if it wasn’t becoming the gross meat market it sounds like others use it for, but it makes me super thankful I have a safe space where I can practice in peace and all of my full grungy glory!
I really feel you on frustration with tying to make everything sexy – adds a level of pressure that I don’t need. Sometimes yoga makes me feel sexy; but really, moving my body makes me feel sexy. So yoga just brings it up sometimes. But only sometimes, cuz other times?
Other times yoga makes me feel stiff; and inflexible, or really throws in my face how out of connection I am with myself and I spend 75% of the class in child’s pose trying to get my breathing down.
In the sex positive world I run into this phenomenon a lot with the phrase ‘consent is sexy’ – and it can be; but it can also be awkward and nervous, and insecure, and all sorts of other things. It’s funny/ frustrating to me how often we move away from one box and right into another.
I really like feeling a multitude of different ways about the experiences of my life, without added pressure from external factors.
Also? For what it’s worth I’m really sorry that you lost that safe space of your yoga class for a seriously not okay and jerk move on the part of your instructor. I hope you’ve found another class or space where you can get that chill out space you need.
In Sharon Osbourne’s accent “I Would’ve kicked him in the balls”!! On serious note though… I would have kicked that instructor in the balls!
Wow! Great post!
So sorry about your terrible experience – hope sharing it here helps you see you should take NONE of the blame for that teachers poor professional judgement and reprehensible personal character.
I thought your post was very well written and illuminating.
Honestly, I never really thought about yoga making me feel “sexy”. It makes me feel lots of other things: sore, exhausted, sweaty, sleepy, and/or like a rubber band (depending on the style), but “sexy” doesn’t come to mind. But I see how it could.
I’ve never been in quite your situation (although I have stopped attending a class because the male instructor “assisted” too vigorously – pushing, bouncing, and smushing me, when I specifically told him I was already at my limit). However, I have been in classes (especially in Asia) where the male instructor has everyone close their eyes, then asks anyone to raise a hand if she will feel uncomfortable with him touching her to adjust pose. This seems like a nice touch in a society where some cultures are pretty conservative about male/female contact.
HOWEVER – in a tangentially related matter, I have recently attended several free, public yoga classes put on in a busy nighttime spot. At 7:30 PM, 100+ of us spread out our mats in an area full of popular, busy restaurants and bars. The number of passersby who stop, stare, sit and watch, and take photos is actually quite astounding. And I will admit that lots of them don’t bother me. But when a group of guys walks by (I keep my mat on the perimeter for claustrophobia reasons) and starts joking about this being “their lucky day”, and hold up iPhones to take video or photos, I have second thoughts about what we are doing.
Am I participating in some kind of great, group om-fest under the stars, or am I providing videotaped fodder for who-knows-who to watch later? The idea of being a sexual spectacle for somebody is somewhat unnerving, despite my choice of modest tank and capris (not everyone is wearing quite that much, however). I am torn, and for the time being have decided to “Live and Let Live”. But I can’t help feel just a tiny bit icky about the whole thing – especially now that I read that so many people find yoga sexy…
I personally would not feel comfortable going to a class taught by a male yoga instructor. Just not my thing. In fact, I’ve felt uncomfortable having a male in class right behind me in yoga, which is probably why I limit my yoga experiences to very small studios…less chance of a creepy guy.
My husband finds it sexy when I’m doing yoga in the living room, but he’s the only one allowed to think that way about MY yoga moves! Yoga, however, does NOT make me feel sexy…mostly because I’m sweating so much!
First of all let me say how sorry I am for your experience with the male yoga teacher. (Being a yoga instructor I always feel the need to apologize when someone tells me their yoga horror story.) I wish you would have mentioned this to the owner, because he shouldn’t be teaching, I’m horrified that he may be doing this to someone else and just giving yoga a bad name. But no guilt or anything you did what you needed to to take care of yourself.
I struggle with this kind of stuff all the time…yoga, at least in the US, has a shady side when it comes to gurus, they have made some very poor choices, especially when it comes to sex. So I have chosen to not assist people “manually” in poses, unless I see something really dangerous. When I go to yoga classes others will use their hands to assist me and sometimes it really helps or deepens the stretch. (sometimes I think they’re just doing it because that’s what they “should” do. lame.) I feel like some people may be missing out from my way of teaching. But then again, I’ve now probably got some people in class who come to my class BECAUSE I don’t walk around and touch them all the time. And like you said some of the poses put the yogi in such a vulnerable place, I don’t even want to be walking around during those poses. So least to say I talk and explain A LOT in class.
And just one more point…the clothes that are popular for yoga I’m not super fond of either. Just the other day me and a friend were talking about how we’d like a loose pair of yoga pants, because the current ones we have are 5-7 years old and looking very worn. (We both have bigger thighs and would rather not show them off.) We can’t seem to find any that fit or look nice. I’m thinking about looking into some martial arts clothes, at least they haven’t started wearing ultra-form fitting pants yet.
I’m glad you’re still practicing yoga, I hope it continues to help you relax and find your inner peace.
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This post … It makes me angry that he did this to you. It also makes me angry that we, as women, encourage this with our need to be approved of. You are awesome Charlotte, and you are better than he is.
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