Our annual family photo shoot. Wearing blue and feeling blue – I feel a theme for 2013! Being depressed gives you an excuse to wear your emotions on your sleeve…literally. But really who can stay sad when I’ve got that hilarious little photo-bomber right above me?
My brain will always be broken. I know that. I gave up years ago trying to make myself be something I’m not. Depression runs deep in me – through my genes, through my history, through my heart. My family tree is a weeping willow. It is what it is. Sometimes its touch is so light I barely feel the shadow of it. But other times, like now, it pulls me under like a leaf on a river. Learning to accept the push and pull of my sadness is something I’m still working on. So believe me when I say I’m not trying to be glib or to minimize the very real pain and numbness that depression brings. But sometimes even I have to look up and realize how much good comes from bad.
Dead leaves provide so much life! See? Mother Nature’s onto this gig.
What I love about being depressed:
1. You learn how many other people are in the same boat. Ella Wilcox once wrote, ” Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone.” Perhaps that’s true if you’re hosting the Oscars or working as a perpetually jolly mall Santa but for myself I’ve found that’s not necessarily so. There are enough of us going through the same struggles that our arms reach far enough to hold all the hands that need holding. For me, knowing that others suffer doesn’t make my hurt less but it does make it more bearable. You got through some Hard Life Stuff and came out better for it on the other end? Then I can too.
2. You discover how much stuff really, truly is mandatory. And it isn’t as much as you think. Picking my kids up from school? Going to the bathroom? Eating food? All mandatory, yep. But showering? Cooking dinner? Answering the phone? Picking up 7200 Legos? All totally and gloriously optional! There’s something kind of magical about looking at 300 new e-mails in my inbox, saying nope, don’t wanna, and rolling back into bed. Obviously I can’t live that way forever but it’s rather reassuring to see that the world will not fall apart even if I am. (And I can now say with experience that after about a week sans bathing, things start to get pretty itchy in hard-t0-scratch places.)
3. You finally are excused from answering “fine” whenever people ask how you are. My default answer these days – and one I’ve given to everyone from close friends to gas station attendants – is “I’ve been better.” All I need is an Eeyore t-shirt and a little rendition of “I’m just a little black rain cloud…” to complete the picture. Or maybe a Robert Smith picture. I know – I need a t-shirt of Eeyore wearing a fanboy shirt of Robert and listening to The Smiths! (Christmas prezzie, nudge nudge!) Honestly it weirds some people out. But most people get it, they really do. And sometimes admitting I’m not okay gives other people permission to admit they’re not okay either. I had an absolutely amazing conversation with an acquaintance (I think before that point we’d said like 10 words to each other and none of them had gone beyond the weather) about why she was “not fine” that day. We were both better for it.
This is my “destroyer of squids.” He makes me laugh every day. He also makes me ache – because of all my kids, he’s the one who’s inherited the most of my temperament. I’m trying now, early, to teach him how to deal with the darkness.
4. Laughing feels so amazing it almost comes right back around to hurting! But in a good way! Today Jelly Bean came running into my room sobbing. “Mom, my stuffed animals won’t stop calling me stupid!!” When I burst out laughing (I’m sorry, couldn’t help it) she cried even harder, “It’s not funny! They really hurt my feelings!!” (Four is a magical age.) But that spontaneous burst of laughter made me realize how long it has been since I genuinely belly laughed. It felt so good that it made me feel sad I didn’t do it more often. The poignancy of that moment cut right through me but it was good to remember what it feels like to bleed. Bleeding and laughing make us human.
This is her “football helmet”, in case you were curious.
5. It forces you to remember that no matter how independent and self-sufficient you are, we are all still deeply dependent on the kindness of others. Whether it was a stranger touching my face or a friend taking me for a walk or my husband making dinner or my Turbo crew from Minnesota including me in their “neon day” and making a video of everyone saying hi to me, I was so moved to see how many people helped me and often in ways I didn’t even realize I needed help until they gave it! For so long I’ve moved through my life thinking the only way things will get done right is if I do them. That I’m the only one carrying my burdens. Turns out that is beautifully untrue.
This guy is amazing.
6. Joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. It sounds so cliche but I’d forgotten what a wondrous thing it is to feel good until I felt bad for so long. Happiness, unfortunately, is something that’s easy to take for granted.
It amazes me we even got him to smile for the family pictures since the day before he was having an abscessed tooth extracted! Kids are so resilient.
7. It makes you a better listener. Normally I’m quite the talker. I love to tell stories. I love to laugh. I love to be in the midst of it all. Normally. But being depressed has made me really withdrawn. All of a sudden I can’t think of anything to say. Or talking just feels like too much effort. Or I’m afraid that the only thing that will come out of my mouth will be a big, dumb sad. And while it really stinks to not feel like myself, I’ve discovered a bright side to going silent. You know what happens when I stop talking? Other people start talking. And I get to listen to them. When they talk about not wanting to get out of bed or not being able to quiet the worry or even about the ignomy of public tears, I get it. I really do. Sometimes I forget what a gift other people’s stories are to me. Sometimes I forget what a gift a little empathy can be. This has reminded me.
8. It really is the little things that matter. As in my four little things. Laying still, slowing down, listening: I’ve got to see them in a whole new light. I’ve been too tired to obsessively check my phone and so instead I’ve sat and watched my two youngest play school for an hour. That was one of the best things I’ve ever done. When I’m so busy trying to be Wonder Woman, they often get lost in the shuffle. But when my energy is severely limited, somehow it’s easier to remember to save most of it for them. (Although I am desperately hoping that they will not grow up to remember me as “depressed mom” always.)
9. Doing something is better than nothing. I’m a massive perfectionist. So much so that I’ll often get paralyzed into inaction by my desire to get everything just right. For instance, I kept putting off getting some lighting for our house (why don’t houses come with overhead lights anymore?!) because I couldn’t decide on the absolute perfect kind that would match the decor that I hadn’t even envisoned yet as it turns out I kinda hate decorating and oh why is everything SO DARK? Then one day my husband just set up some lamps. “Those are ugly!” I moaned. But as he walked away, I realized that now I have light. And the same goes for the everyday stuff. Half-cleaned rooms are better than not-cleaned-at-all rooms! Turned-in work is better than missed deadlines! Pigeons aren’t as beautiful as eagles but they’re hilarious and when’s the last time an eagle ate bread out of your hand? Depression has really made me let go of a lot of that perfectionism.
When my husband goes out of town Luna makes sure to keep his spot warm. And she even lets me be the little spoon!
10. It’s a fight and I’m a fighter. One of my defining characteristics is how much I love a good battle, even if it’s with myself. No matter how far down the rabbit hole I go, there’s a part of me that still wants to prove everyone wrong and claw my way back out. I will not be made a victim. Especially not by my own hand. I’ll take my meds, I’ll do my cognitive behavioral therapy drills, I’ll get sun on my face and vitamins in my veins, I’ll read books and cut out sugar – I’ll do whatever it takes to not let this define me. I will always have depression in me. I will always keep fighting it.
In the end I’m still an optimist. As a depressive I’m not sure if this oxymoron means I’m delusional or possibly a mis-diagnosed bi-polar but regardless, no matter how sad I get, I can’t seem to lose the hope that things will get better. Just like my light is always tinged with my knowledge of the darkness, so my darkness is rendered incomplete by my memory of the light – The light streaming around us as I twirl my daughter through the fall air and listen to the echo of her laugh. Which may be the thing I love most about my depression.
Maybe I should be a mall store Santa after all.
Loved this! Just what I needed to hear. A good reminder to count my blessings. Keep fighting, you can do it! Your pictures are adorable and your hair looks fabulous!
Thank you Leilani! You are so sweet:) I am the queen of the teasing comb haha
Thank you for this Charlotte – it means a lot at the perfect time 🙂
And thank you for this Terri;)
I look at all these pictures and I see a beautiful, trim woman with a fabulous family. I know you say you have gained weight, but you look great! Maybe it is weight you are supposed to have. I’m sorry you are battling those demons, but you seem to have figured yourself out. Maybe all the sun in Colorado will help some.
Ah, thank you Grace! You are so kind. To be honest, I gain weight in my hips and legs first which is why I picked a fit-and-flare dress;) Like I’ve said before, I really should have lived in the 40’s!! And yes, I think the extra sun will certianly do me good!
This is so oddly timed as I actually had a FB message ready to send to you yesterday just to make sure you were okay–you had been quiet–but never sent it (crap on me.) I saw you had blogged a couple days ago and figured you were okay. However, I still blog through my deep depression (which is the past few months) so perhaps I should have known better and sent it anyway.
This ramble is to say that this post is very well-timed and much, much appreciated. I hope you’re hanging in there. In my eyes, you’re always a rock star.
Thank you Abby!! Both for this comment and for the FB message! And for your beautiful and hilarious post:) It means a lot to me that you’d check up on me, especially when going through your own stuff! Love you!!!
I love your headband! You pull off feathers in the best way ever!
Haha thank you! It was like 2$ at Forever 21 and I’ve worn it soooo many times. Yay for costume jewelry!
I love your headband! You pull off feathers in the best way ever!
I needed to read this today, thank you. It wasn’t until recently that I really felt what depression is. That feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin, and crawl into a hole is all new to me, and I am learning everyday how to deal…or not deal with it. I hate it, and fight it as hard as I can…when I can. It’s good to read that someone else goes through this, and it does get better, or that there is some sort of light to look for. Thank you 🙂
Thank you Adrienne! While I am sad that you understand, I’m also very grateful that you do! Your comment means a lot to me today – we’re all in this together:)
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you so much for this! It feels so good to know that I’m not alone. Keep writing. Xoxo
Air fives!! You’re definitely not alone! Thank you, Sarah:)
Thank you for this. I have sadness in my family, too. These days I have some extra reasons, and it’s hard to remember to look for the light and the joy. But I will keep looking.
Thank you Carol! And (hugs) to you – we’re all in this together!
I very rarely would tell anyone when I was down, but the typical response was ‘not bad’. Not quite lying or divulging. I am happy to see you find the silver lining in that cloud!
I like that answer, Jess!
“no matter how sad I get, I can’t seem to lose the hope that things will get better.” And this is what keeps us fighting! There was a time that I thought I was losing hope. It was a dark time. I felt many of the same things you described. I didn’t want to even get out of bed. I didn’t want to keep on fighting. But somehow, I managed to grasp onto a little bit of hope and hang on. I’m so sorry you are feeling down! We need to get together and go out soon!
Thanks Angie! We definitely do need to get together soon!
Great pictures of one of my most favorite families in the whole wide infinity. Love forever and always!!!
Aw thanks Mom:)
Thank you for this. Really.
As a lifelong fighter of anxiety and having experienced my share of depression along with it, I needed this permission to not be ‘ok.’ Just this morning I was feeling sad and energy-less. Instead of accepting it and realizing why so I could move past it, I mentally berated myself for not getting things done, etc.
Thanks for the timely reminder. Hang in there!
And thank you for this, Stephanie! It’s nice to know I’m not alone (although I do wish you didn’t have to go through it too!). Thanks for the support – it means a lot to me today!
Charlotte-
I too went through a bad period of depression after a move. I felt like a hermit and made little effort to make friends. Things got much better after I found a great church to get ‘plugged’ into. I met other young Mom’s who ‘get’ me (coincidence? I think not) and have become great friends. Plus, I need a lot of spiritual encouragement or I WILL plunge into depression. I have also found that reaching out to try to help and bless others always gives me a wonderful fresh breeze of JOY, thankfulness, and contentment in my life.
P.S. Your kids are SO adorable and precious.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3. I also love- “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5 ok, sorry just one more…. “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11 🙂
Thank you Sierra – both for the encouragement and the Bible verse! I love the Ecclesiastes one because it reminds me that sorrow deserves its time just as much as all the other stuff! It’s not bad. It just is. We’re here for the whole human experience:)
Charlotte,
Have you had your genetics done? (23AndMe is only $99 now…) I think I mentioned this before, but 60% of Americans have a deviant gene that does not let folic acid fully metabolize in their bodies. One of the signs: depression/anxiety that runs in families.
When my doctor added a fully metabolized form of the vitamin to my regime, I suddenly knew what it felt like to feel “normal” instead of just feeling like a treated depressive.
Okay, so ever since I read your comment this morning I’ve been reading up on the MTHFA gene variation and… I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW, DEB. I did have my genetic workup done a year ago through 23andme (loooved it!) but apparently they don’t test for this folic acid thing because it’s still “experimental.” So after pouring through the forums there I found a 3rd party site to analyze my genetic results and it gave me a lovely long list that I am completely unable to interpret. I’m seriously driving myself nuts with this!! If you have a site you can recommend with a clear explanation I’d be deeply, deeply grateful!
Charlotte,
23andme DOES test for the genetics, they don’t report it.
The easiest place to see this is at GeneticGenie.com (I’m hoping this is the site you used?)
They have methylation results that tests for a wide variety of differences. The results are printed in a chart. The 3 to look at are listed in the first column as MTHFR. Then their SNP (or actual gene location), the the actual alleles (whether these are A,C,T or G). The LAST COLUMN tells you the news.
If that column contains any plus marks (+/+, -/+) then you have a genetic variant that can complicate depression (among other things). On the website, these show up colored RED.
IF YOUR TESTS SHOW any plusses in these columns, print the test off and take it which ever doctor prescribes you anti depressants. (assuming you’re taking them). Ask for Deplin to be added to your regime to see if it helps. Additionally, probiotics and “gut support” seem to help us..
If any of these genes are +/+, then know that you have passed on the genetic variant to your kids. Don’t sweat it, but later let them know that. If your variant is +/-, then there is a 50% chance you have passed on the variant.
There is a lot of talk among mothers about this. Don’t let it send you into a panic.. it’s just another tool…
Thanks Deb! You are a wealth of knowledge!! I did use geneticgenie and I have no red MTHFR but I do have one heterozygous mutation highlighted in yellow. The site says methyl-folate supplementation MAY be indicated. So does that mean I should get a blood test to see what my folate levels are at? I actually have a doctor’s checkup tomorrow morning so I plan on bringing this with me:) Thank you SO much for the tips!! I also have the CBS mutation so I need to read up on that one more as well…
And just think how much great art and how many great works of literature we’d be missing out on if no one was depressed!
I share many of your struggles and I also fight–I fight hard to keep depression at bay, but it never fully leaves me. But I also embrace it as part of who I am.
Thanks for writing this!
haha True! Happy Rembrandt alone would have been a massive loss to humanity! And thank you for the encouragement!
I love this post. I love your family pictures. (would your photographer fly to utah?) And I love you.
I love you too Liz!!! (And our photog was Jason’s cousin’s daughter – she’s still in high school! I think she did a fab job!)
I think you have a beautiful spirit – it shines through all of your writing!!
Awesome family pictures!!!
I hope this week is a great week for y’all!
Thank you Kim!!
“Just like my light is always tinged with my knowledge of the darkness, so my darkness is rendered incomplete by my memory of the light – The light streaming around us as I twirl my daughter through the fall air and listen to the echo of her laugh.”
What a beautiful turn of phrase, coupled with a photo of you and Jelly Bean that’s absolutely radiant.
I’m normally a devout but silent reader of yours, but today, you’ve smoked me out of my hole. Although I dodged the bullet of the mental illness that exists on both sides of my family, what you say still carries truth for all of us. Thank you for the humour, wisdom and light you bring to all that you do.
Aw thank you Maxine! Your comment just made me grin and grin. You are so kind and you have no idea how much this means to me today!
This was such a great post. I love that you are trying to look on the bright side even when things are hard. You are so strong. It’s hard to picture you feeling down when you are so amazing! Seriously, you are good at everything you do and beautiful too!
You are such a good friend Emily – you are so sweet even when I’m a total nut. Believe me when I say I’m not good at everything (or even most things) that I do but I really, truly appreciate your love and support!
you’re a very strong woman.
And I absolutely love you and your family. You all look like wonderful people.
Thank you Paula!
Hi Charlotte, I am so sorry that you are having a rough go of it. I feel you pain- (“bad”) change and winter both equally suck.. I love your entire list but numbers 8-10 really resonate with me. Also- could you kitty be any cuter?
Hang in there 🙂
Thank you Jen! And I agree – Luna’s adorbs!!
You and your family are gorgeous! And hilarious! I’m so sorry you struggle with this, you deal with it so well though and this was a beautiful post!!
Thank you Jess! You are so kind!
I needed this today. Thank you for putting into words what I feel too depressed to say myself.
Thank you Kendra! We’re all in this together:)
“It’s a fight and I’m a fighter.” <– Loved this. Thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.
Thank you Liza!
Oh, my beautiful friend.
Thanks for writing this–sometimes I think the best thing to know as a human is that we are not alone. You darling. 🙂
Thank you MY beautiful friend:) Love you!!
Don’t know what else to add that hasn’t already been said…but I’m pulling for you Charlotte. Your family pictures are fantastic, you look lovely and your kids are a riot.
I’ve not been seriously depressed for a long time, but remember it well. I used to tell people it felt like drowning; not scary, just sort of heavy and quiet and almost peaceful. But being able to see the surface juuuust up there made me realize it was’t normal and that I should fight to get up there and take a breath. I hope you get a few breaths here and there until you can swim again.
Wow….what a beautiful family!!! Miss you!!
I absolutely love this, especially #10. I can completely relate to so much of what you said and it’s nice to read something like this. Not nice that you needed to write it, but that you have the courage to.
GORGEOUS family!
What’s the saying? It’s always darkest before the dawn? I try to remember that when I’m stuck in The Quagmire. It’s not always easy. But I LOVE your perspective! All too often it can feel as if the depression will never end. But it does, and we emerge stronger, smarter, and, hopefully, more empathetic.
Like you.
What a well-timed post—I’ve been walking around with a little black rain cloud over my head the past couple of weeks and am finding a lot of people have been feeling the same way. I’m chalking it up to November (and cyclical blues-iness). Thanks for finding the silver lining, Charlotte. You’re not alone and depression has its upsides as you pointed out—for me I start knitting, taking lots of introspective walks and reading a lot of blogs 🙂
Great post! There is positive in everything, even depression! I was skeptical when I read your title, but what you say in it is so true!
BTW, love your bangs. So pretty.
beautiful post – thank you! love the unique perspective of loving depression – i’ve never heard it phrased like that and it’s like someone flipped a coin for me. it’s nice to see something differently and come at it another way. there are so many negative and scary things about depression. but you are right, it helps us seek out the good even more.
it makes me realize that sometimes embracing the thing that scares us the most can actually bring us comfort. taking the fear out of the equasion.
thank you.
This post is as lovely as you are, Charlotte. Your generosity of spirit knows no bounds. Thank you!! <3
Thanks for the poetic post, Charlotte.
I’ve been more or less depressed for the last 30+ years and sometimes I don’t even recognize when I am. But I think easier when you get older – you gain more perspective and become a little less perfectionist.
You’re right in that many things aren’t absolutely necessary. I can wear the same makeup for two or even three days, drink boatloads of Pepsi Max and eat junk. And watch bad movies and read books in bed 🙂
I loved your headband, and Jelly Bean’s dress and her pretty curls. She’s so cute she’s practically edible!
Zoloft+counseling+sunshine+exercise+dark chocolate–sometimes it works sometimes not. Thanks for this post & I love your dress.