During a fitness class a couple of weeks ago, a noxious odor seeped through the room, eventually hanging over all of us like a smog inversion, thanks to the poor air circulation of the studio. It was bad but even though my eyes were a watering I couldn’t find it in me to be upset. Mostly because I’ve totally been there before. Who can forget the great Soy Patty Incident of 2006? I was doing an evening kickboxing class and, because I was still a vegetarian then, grabbed a quick soy burger patty for dinner before heading to the gym. As we warmed up, I felt my tummy start to inflate faster than Kanye West’s ego and become more bubbly than a hot tub full of starlets when George Clooney walks in. Unfortunately there was no escape as I was right at the front of the class, packed between friends who I was hoping would still be me my friends after the inevitable happened. And oh it happened! I tried to hold it in but all that good cardio activity plus moves that compressed my stomach from every angle made it ripe for a rectal rebellion. That was the night I discovered both how forgiving people can be and also unforgiving my gut is of processed soy.
But! Back to my stranger-friend who was still fine tuning her anal audio. The other reason I wasn’t as bothered as I might have been was because it smelled exactly like my gas before I figured out I’m lactose intolerant. There is a very, shall we say, distinctive odor that comes after eating dairy and not being able to digest the lactose sugars. And the best part is that it seems to be a fairly consistent and therefore identifiable odor!
As we lay on the studio floor cooling down (and trying to get beneath the smell), I wondered how I could approach the afflicted woman after class. Perhaps she didn’t know she was lactose intolerant! I was 34 before I figured it out. Someone needed to tell her! Think of all the pain and embarrassment I could save her!
Serious question: Have you ever diagnosed a stranger’s illness just from smelling their booty toots? Second serious question: Have you ever told them of your theory?
Yeah, I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t want to embarrass her and also I didn’t know how to start that conversation tactfully. “Excuse me but I couldn’t help but notice you going insane in the methane up there. Did you perchance eat cereal with milk for breakfast?” Nope. Couldn’t do it.
Yet, my cowardice is another person’s job opportunity. Turns out that being a professional fart smeller is a real thing! These people are trained to huff heinie hiccups and then look for signs of infection, disease or disorder in the scent. Smell a niche and fill it, I always (never) say! I’m told that gluten intolerance, Celiac Disease and food allergies can all have very unique odor profiles. In addition, one practitioner of this under-appreciated art explains, “Extremely stinky farts indicate bacterial infection in the patient’s bowels or intestines. A raw, fishy or meaty smell, meanwhile, could point to infection in the digestive organs or even highlight the presence of bleeding or tumours in the intestinal lining. ”
See, you cheek-squeakin’ chick, you might have tumours! And British ones at that! But seriously, playing butt whiffle is a lot cheaper and less invasive than a proctology exam. Maybe I should have talked to the lady?
Anyhow, I was reminded of my stinky stranger dilemma when I got this e-mail today from Reader M:
“I have a big problem and I’m wondering what you know about this. I am flying home to see my family and it’s a 6-hour flight. But here’s my problem. I’m a really gassy person. Always have been. (I’ll admit it!) Normally I try to step out of the room or go to a bathroom but an airplane doesn’t really allow for that. And I don’t want to be that person who everyone hates. Flying is bad enough! I think I’ll try to hold it in but that seems like a really long time. So I guess my question is can holding in my farts hurt me? What do other people do when they have to fart in public?”
Ah, how do you let fly when you’re flying? Dear Reader M, know I love you for even considering the comfort of your fellow passengers! You’re already way beyond most public pooters. But I do understand that your aircraft is not equipped to handle nuclear blasts and so you’re right to try to think of something.
First, put your mind at ease: While many websites listed possible health issues from squelching your thunder down under, when I looked at reputable sources (or at least what passes for reputable on the internet) Dr. Oz, Oprah, the Mayo Clinic, WebMD and FitSugar all agree that holding in your gas – even for very long periods of time – won’t do you any lasting damage. You almost certainly will not explode. Although you will be very very uncomfortable. But even assuming you’re willing to take on the personal discomfort to ensure your fellow travelers’ comfort, it’s very hard to hold it in forever. Before long everyone’s listening to Horton Hears a Poo at storytime. Eventually you will probably relax and when you do, your mouse motorcycle will take off full speed.
Which leaves you with these options:
1. Make a public announcement about your issues and hand out tubes of Peppermint Chapstick for people to swipe under their noses. (Seriously, try it sometime! No matter what the foul odor, I swear a dab of minty lip balm under your nostrils can fix it!)
2. Start a band. With your butt trumpet, the guy who can squeak his underarm and the lady who can play her nose like a harmonica you’ll be working weddings in no time!
3. Ignore it and hope your fellow passengers will follow suit. Which, in most cases, is what happens. People are surprisingly kind. (Although you know who isn’t? Little kids. My children will call out a rump ripper immediately and loudly – although I’d like to point out it’s usually out of a sense of respect. One of their favorite pastimes after all is playing Fart on a Brother’s Face.)
So, dear Reader M, if none of those options sound good to you I’d recommend a little prevention. I know you said you’ve always been the flatulent sort but have you considered why? It may just be you have a squeakier sphincter than most but I’m guessing since the odor seems to be so noxious that something else might be going on.
– Try simple tricks to prevent gas like eating slowly, chewing with your mouth closed, taking small bites and breathing through your nose.
– Don’t chew gum or drink soda.
– Get checked for food intolerances/allergies. Or just do an elimination diet to see if it’s a food that’s the offender. I have read many accounts where someone with gluten intolerance will notice a relief from the gas within a day or two of removing gluten. Other common gas inducers are beans, cruciferous veggies, eating a large amount of fruit at once, eggs, onions, dairy and meat. Which is not to say you shouldn’t eat those foods! But maybe just don’t eat them right before a 6-hour flight home.
– Don’t OD on the fiber supplements.
– Try some natural remedies. Chewing fennel seeds has been the go-to gas relief for centuries. (I personally love that black licorice-y flavor of fennel but it can be a bit startling if you’re not used to it. So just start with a few!) Carraway seeds, turmeric and cloves are also suggested. And chewing on a piece of ginger (I prefer dried) can also help settle your tummy pre-plane.
Good luck dear reader and let me know how your flight goes! May the flatulent force be with you!
Have any of you ever had gas problems? Any other suggestions for M? Would you have said something to the woman in my gym class? And what’s your tactic when you need to toot in public: Loud & proud, silent-but-deadly or hold until you fold??
So its not just me with the soy burgers eh? I know a number of vegetarians or people who just are trying to eat less meat, and they are always wanting to put soy crumbles in things..but booooy those things do NOT agree with me. Veggie burgers are a little better, but still not good. If I get a veggie burger than is made with something other than soy though, like black beans or quinoa, then its not so bad.
Buwhahahah NO! Not just you! Processed soy is the devil in my humble opinion. I can handle edamame and miso and a little tofu fine but anything more than that is awful. I agree that bean and quinoa burgers are better though – and really tasty!
Activated charcoal underwear!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/24/fart-filtering-underwear_n_4156400.html
It won’t do much about the sound, mind, but does anyone really object to the sound as long as they’re spared the smell?
Hahaha I had no idea this was real! And good point about the smell being the real issue
It may just be me, but I’ve noticed that taking probiotics has really decreased the amount of intestinal gas I produce. And there are always products like Beano to use.
Oooh good idea! That one definitely needs to be added to the list!
I’m the person who walks away and says, “I have to fart, don’t follow me” haha! But only to people I know very well. If I am among strangers, silent but deadly for sure! I am lucky, I teach elementary school. I silent but deadly fart all the time and the kids have no clue because they’re sitting in their desks and I can just walk away. And if they DO smell it, they’re never going to think it was their TEACHER that farted!!!
Hahahah I love you Megan! And having spent the majority of the last decade of my life with little kids I can tell you that they care way less about that than adults and if they do care, they kinda think it’s cool lol.
If M explained to the stewardesses s/he had digestion issues, would they let him/her use the bathroom more often?
Probably! I mean, as long as the turbulence sign isn’t on M can probably go as much as she likes?
Do what I do which is sit at the very back of the plane by the toilet.
Oh I remember those days too! Silent but deadly…that way you can blame it on someone else- just open your eyes really wide and look around coyly. Because no one else in the room wants to be the one that calls it out – the squealer is the dealer! The smeller is the feller! I used to hold it in sometimes depending on the situation, but it always makes it so hard to concentrate on anything.
“the squealer is the dealer”!!! I’ve never heard that one before and I’m totally pulling that one out on my kids! Thank you Reid, you just made my whole day.
There’s a smell I sometimes smell in public restrooms and I don’t know what the cause is, but it seems to come from urine. (Someone is always peeing when I smell it) : A sweet, almost fruity smell, but not pleasant at all. Anybody know what this is?
One symptom of high blood sugar (diabetes; Type 1 or 2) is fruity breath, could be the same smell in urine as well.
Ketones were my first thought too! WebMD says it’s a sign of excessively high blood sugar and may be a symptom of diabetes or sugar shock http://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/features/the-truth-about-urine?page=2
Holding it in can be dangerous. It could lead to having a really loud one rip out and then your cover is totally blown (pun intended).
I blush easily so I’m sure I give myself away when I let an SBD float out. Especially if my husband calls me out. He’ll give me the “did you?” look and I’ll bust out laughing and turn beat red. I still try to deny it but it’s obvious I did it. Sometimes I even get blamed for ones I don’t do because my husband’s “did you?” look is so dang funny.
Loved the headphones comic. I will let them fly loud and proud when I’m wearing headphones. I don’t even care.
I’m giggling just imagining you and your husband! And I’m a blusher too – I feel your pain:)
I just take the hit for wifey.
I am gluten intolerant and my poor husband can always tell when I have stolen a rogue cookie or snuck a wrap into my lunch. The toots have the most horrific odor I have ever experienced.
I let my farts go silent and deadly on a steady stream which working out when the belly starts to rumble. It’s awful but what is a girl to do?? And it’s true, the louder my music, the less I care. I think earbuds smell proof my farts!
Yep I still love ice cream! And it still doesn’t love me. Everyone knows when I have some… lol.
I am gluten intolerant and my poor husband can always tell when I have stolen a rogue cookie or snuck a wrap into my lunch. The toots have the most horrific odor I have ever experienced. I let my farts go silent and deadly on a steady stream which working out when the belly starts to rumble. It’s awful but what is a girl to do?? And it’s true, the louder my music, the less I care. I think earbuds smell proof my farts!
I kept chuckling while reading this because I definitely fart (SBD) a lot while running / working out in general and if my husband is running next to me, especially on the treadmill, he’ll give me that look of “I KNOW that was you” as soon as he smells it. I can’t even look at it him because I’ll just laugh.
I have a pretty sensitive stomach, both on what comes back up (regular heartburn, random vomiting from fatty foods) and what turns into noxious gas out the other end (biggest culprit: eggs). When I have occassionally found myself with a terrible case of gas when there was a party to attend I have tried GasX or some other OTC remedies with some success. The last time I can remember really needing it, a few years ago, GasX definitely helped. Might be something for Reader M to check out – before the flight, to make sure there aren’t any unexpected side effects from it.
I had a gym buddy who will remain unnamed (aHEM) who always got the farts when we ran. We used to joke she was gas-propelled lol. And good point about the OTC remedies!
Although this won’t help the scented air, Poo-Pourri REALLY works in preventing further scented air in public places (or home, I have one on my toilet too) and helps hide the fact that you’ve been doing nasty things in there. They also have a fabulous commercial on their website. http://www.poopourri.com/
Yes that commercial is hilarious!!
I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL!!! They also have a blooper reel if you look on their youtube channel!
I’ve been discovering the new world of chemo farts…fun fun.
Beano helps. But mostly, just awkward shuffling and apologizing…:)
Oy. I didn’t know “chemo farts” were a thing. I’m so sorry, my friend:(
I don’t toot too much I am more of an unexpected burper! I haven’t found any of the over the counter remedies do anything for me. I should try some of the remedies suggested. I’m pretty comfortable with it. Everybody does it, so I just fess up if it’s me.
In a plane situation I would be tempted to wear a strong minty scent in an effort to cover up any smells.
Good point about everyone doing it! Very true.
Carbo vegetalis helps settle my tummy when I’m feeling gassy. You can get it at any hippie dippie grocery store in the section where they sell the tiny pills that dissolve under your tongue. Also, I find my stomach does less flippy floppies if I eat easily digestable carbs (aka, stuff I eat right before a marathon/long distance race), but that trick only works for a day or so before I feel like crap in other ways.
Hippie dippie grocery stores are my fave!! I’ll have to look for this stuff. And SO true about simple carbs being easier going in but wreaking havoc once they’re there…
DGL has helped me a lot and I carry a little container of it for when I eat out at restaurants. Similar to Fennel Seed, it is a licorice root extract. If you don’t like the flavor there is a chocolate version out there as well. The most helpful thing I found was and elimination type diet to figure out the triggers (mostly processed foods because of the preservatives). Also, when I have a serving of kombucha in the mornings my stomach is more forgiving with the foods I consume.
http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&page=1&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Adgl
Thanks for the rec! That and the kombucha (or other source of probiotics) are both fab ideas!! Thank you!
I swear by Tums when I’m gassy!
Activated charcoal caps – I swear by them!! Can’t imagine leaving the house without them. If I eat out I take them. Tummy makes one little weird move I take them. Feel that bloated, it’s going to go up or down feeling I take em.
OMG this hits home since so many things make me toot! 🙂 I am so thankful to work out when many don’t so… 🙂 As for public, I try to get away from people… what can ya do.. 😉 If on a plane, maybe surround your whole lower bod with the blanket & hope for the best! 😉
The skill I never wanted:
Walking into a room and knowing which of my 3 sons farted based solely on smell. Where does that go on my resume?
For me, it’s never okay to discover that you are having a problem with gas and stay in a workout. No one should be mad at a fart. An hour of GI stylings starts to feel more like an assault. It’s okay to miss or leave a workout if you have gas (please pass this on to people who are sick and sneezing coughing all over everything too).
Reader M, I flew for 10 years and can tell you that most Flight Attendants have serious gas issues thanks to gas expansion from take off and landings. Tricks of the trade are to drink lots of peppermint tea and water, walk up and down the aisle ‘crop dusting’ and a few squats in the loos. The worst thing you can do is stay seated for the whole flight.
P.S. most Flighties find farts hilarious! The other passengers, not so much.
I love your blog! Helping real people with real issues and I’m not being sarcastic! 🙂 I hope this poor reader comes up with a solution, how embarrassing and uncomfortable to be a routine tooter’