Hello Kitty always helps answer the big questions – kind of amazing for a cat that doesn’t even have a mouth.
“Mom, are robbers tiny or big?” The other day I found 4-year-old Jelly Bean rolling around on her floor, looking at her fingers and and pondering that existential question. “Where does jail live?” she continued, when I asked her what she was doing.
“Well there’s a jail in every town, I suppose,” I answered her. “Why are you asking about robbers and jail?”
“My brother told me robbers are bad guys and they go to jail.”
“That’s true, usually,” I said, still not sure where this was going. Kids ask the strangest stuff. “Are you worried about robbers?”
“Yes,” she said with a little shiver. “I scared of robbers.” But before I could reassure her she added, “Are they sad?”
“Some of them, probably,” I answered.
“Is sad a bad word?” She twirled her fingers.
“No honey, sad is not bad. It’s okay to feel sad.” My heart jumped a little at the question.
“Why sadness?” Again. Kids. Questions. Oy.
“It’s just part of living I guess. We can’t be happy unless we know what it’s like to feel sad too.” Yeah I was answering her but really by that point I was just talking to me. And feeling very uncomfortable. Because I don’t like to feel sad (but then no one does, right?) but also because just sitting there talking about sad made me feel anxious. I squirmed.
“Okay,” she answered finally. Then she looked up at me plaintively, “Mom?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Can I watch you poop?” Aaaaand we’re back to normal!
I always enjoy reading your comments – you guys often make me think, cry and laugh so hard my cat thinks I’m having a seizure and gets that adorable worried look on her furry face (which makes me laugh harder because she has a white curly “mustache” that makes it very hard to take her seriously). But every once in a while one of you says the exact thing I need to hear – as was the case with “Gydle (aka Mary)”‘s comment on my post about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death helping me recognize my own addictive personality. She wrote:
It is so terribly hard to experience pain or anxiety and choose not do anything to numb it. Not reach for the jellybeans and the ice cream, not pick at your skin, not go for a run, not take that drink or light up that crack pipe. The really amazing thing to discover when you just sit with those feelings is that they won’t kill you, even though it feels like they will when you start.
I’m still struggling with this. I think we have been lulled into believing that we can have everything just the way we want it – the light without the dark, the peak without the trough – so when the dark comes or we hit the bottom of a wave, we think there’s something wrong with us and we look for a quick fix. Fighting that urge to find the fix, and instead just sitting with the dark and accepting that it’s also a part of me – that’s the challenge. Let me know if you have any tips or secrets that would make it easier… [emphasis mine]
My sister is always telling me I need to just “feel all the feelings” and I’ll admit that I’ve found that to be dubious advice. I hatehatehate feeling all the feelings. Mostly, I think, because I’m so sensitive (or neurotic or whatev) that even moderately uncomfortable feelings feel overwhelming to me. And if they’re more than moderately uncomfortable? Well I do feel like they will kill me. There was a point in my life where I would get so overwhelmed by (legitimately) upsetting feelings that I would – and I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this – would shake, vomit and cry hysterically to the point where someone would have to take me to the ER where they’d inject me with powerful tranquilizers.
True story: The only way I could deal with my difficult feelings was to be knocked unconscious.
Thankfully I’ve come a loooong way since then. Learning to breathe in yoga helped me a ton. (Who knew you could be a grown adult and not know how to breathe?! But it’s true, I’d start my panic attacks by hyperventilating until I’d see stars. I grew to recognize when a panic attack was coming because my nose and finger tips would get tingly, indicating I was breathing very quickly and shallowly. Yoga fixed that.) Writing gave me a powerful outlet for those feelings (and a way to commiserate with other people who felt the same ones!). Anti-depressants help take the sharp edges off my life. Talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) were instrumental in helping me learn to talk about and reframe my feelings.
But I still don’t like feeling all the feelings. I still work really, really hard to avoid even the slightest discomfort. And, as we’ve all seen on here, I can only avoid it so long before I go all Mount Vesuvius. And I don’t think it’s just me. I feel like our society encourages this kind of avoidance, offering a never-ending array of diversions, games, indulgences, sports and other distractions. We’ve basically made avoiding all the feelings into a high art.
So I’ve been thinking about Mary’s words all weekend and have become hyperaware of all the little things I routinely do to avoid feeling things I don’t want to feel:
– Watching brainless TV. I’ll binge-watch dumb reality TV or old crime series on Netflix not because I’m interested in the program but rather because I can sit there and not think. Plus if the crime story is engrossing enough I can feel other people’s feelings instead of my own which sounds totally creepy and yet I’d rather sympathize with a murder victim than deal with my anxiety about how I’m doing at my job. This is opposed to watching something like a really good documentary or the Olympics or other things I’m generally interested in and feel engaged with.
– Endless word games. Sometimes it’s Candy Crush on my phone but not gonna lie, that game gives me mad sugar cravings. Seriously, those little candies look just like jelly beans, right?? Usually I do crossword puzzles or play Ruzzle (an electronic version of Boggle) or other word games.
– Cleaning my kitchen. I love cleaning kitchens. I love laundry. Bathrooms are my Everest, sigh. (Which you would hate cleaning them too if you had 3 young boys who can hit a tree branch from 10 feet outside but can’t hit a toilet bowl to save their lives.) This one at least gets something do – clean kitchen, yay! – but when I’m using it to put off dealing with other things…. you quickly realize that individually removing and scrubbing all the heat registers is nice but you still have that deadline looming and now it’s even closer.
– Reading short articles on the Internet. The web is a wonderful, crazy, inconsistent source of information and anyone who’s ever fallen down the Wiki “random entry” hole will know exactly how I can get sucked in. Of course, I’m not researching anything I need for my work! Nope, I’m just reading random interesting things that will be useful for pretty much nothing in real life. But I’m never at a loss for dinner party convo?
– Listening to NPR. I have talk radio on almost constantly. Partly because as an HSP (highly sensitive person), small noises (or big noises like my kids screaming) drive me bananas so having something soothing to focus my flightly brain on helps me calm down.
– Crocheting/sewing/playing the piano. These are good in that they keep my hands busy but still let my brain work through stuff – and I’ve had some of my best ideas come to me doing one of these things. But. When I’m using them to procrastinate or avoid feeling something, they’re as dysfunctional as the rest.
– Exercise. Thankfully I don’t use this one to excess anymore but I still love to “run away” from my problems!
– Reading. True story: I’ve read the back of my shampoo bottle at least a hundred times in the shower. Magazines, books, newspapers, mail, door hangers, care tags on clothing – anything with print, I will read. Especially when I’m trying to avoid my own thoughts.
– Spacing out. Me. Spacey. So so much.
– Shutting down. Eventually I reach a point where I will literally stop talking to people, answering e-mail or picking up my phone. Even mundane interactions feel like too much. Which is silly because often those things are the ones that would help me the most with my feelings!
So what do all these have in common? Like Mary pointed out, I immediately see uncomfortable feelings as “bad” and I try to “fix” them with various things. These activities keep my brain just active enough to be distracted but not engaged enough to really deal with stuff. True, at least I’m not doing drugs or drinking or putting up Justin Beiber fan sites – and ostensibly these are all pretty healthy activities (with the exception of reality TV, hush) – but anything taken to excess is harmful. And I definitely do these things too much when I’m avoiding myself. Like, I really really do. Because I’ll do anything to avoid, like Mary advised, ” just sitting with the dark and accepting that it’s also a part of me.”
I’m so bad at that! And Mary asked for advice. I only have one tip, I’m afraid. Just sitting. This is why meditation is so so hard for me. I want to crawl out of my own skin. Yet this is why meditation is so so important for me. I can’t make myself do it every day but when I do work on training my brain to just be I do feel a difference. It’s definitely a learned skill. That’s all I’ve got though!
Do any of you have suggestions for Mary and I about learning how to just feel all the feelings? What do you do to distract yourself or numb yourself out? I’d love any suggestions you have!!
P.S. I owe you guys a HUGE apology for that awful foot picture on my sugar post. I haven’t got as many e-mails about a gross pic since I posted that one of the guy with all the boogers! Anyhow, I’ll definitely put a warning next time or – better yet – steer clear of the real gross-out pics! Sorry!!
P.P.S. Don’t forget, you can still enter my $1000 Target Cartwheel giveaway! Just tell me about how you save money on healthy stuff!
You might try classical music for your background noise. More soothing.
I have previously mentioned my lifelong interest in the martial arts. Including the philosophical aspects.
I knew the differences between Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism. IF you ever get the chance view a copy of the “Vinegar Tasters”, a Chinese scroll painted in the classical manner. It is an allegorical painting representing these three teaching of China. The vat of vinegar represents life, and the expressions on the faces of the three men tasting it – Confucius, Buddha and Lao-tse – say much about their individual philosophies.
It is said of Confucius: “If the mat was not straight then the Master would not sit.” Thus Life was a bit sour and out of harmony and the remedy was for precise order to be imposed.
Buddhism was altered a bit by Chinese optimism, but the gist if it was that Life was out to get you. Life had a bitter taste, as Life had a lot of ill winds trying to sideswipe you off course, which was the path to “Nirvana” – not the rock group – but great harmony, stability and joy. “Nirvana” literally means a state of “no wind”.
Taoism finds the natural harmony, working with whatever happens in day to day life. Be grateful and appreciating life for what it is and learning from it because when Life was understood, it was sweet.
In the ‘Vinegar Tasters” Lao-tse, tasting Life and representing Taoism, is smiling.
This also fit better with my personal belief system. Life is sweet and happy.
But I am not a Taoist.
I think it is VERY telling that scripturally, in the New Testament, when Lazarus died and his family came up to Jesus crying and said that they new if he had been there, Lazarus would not have died.
The telling thing is that Jesus didn’t say…”Chin up ladies! I am about to cure Lazarus from being dead by raising him from the dead.”
Jesus wept WITH them. He was SAD and he MOURNED with them.
THEN he raised Lazarus from the dead.
The point being that feeling things is important.
It IS important to feel sad.
And THEN deal with the problem as best you can.
Working with life in whatever happens.
I run. LOOONG runs. But not to run AWAY from a problem, but to ponder upon it. Gain new perspective. Find a solution.
My background has been one where of necessity many times I had to confront, face, deal with a present problem…
…or die.
It is a actually a luxury to be able to take time to think a problem all through carefully.
It is nice when I get to take the time to cry to feel first and cry first…then act.
I actually wrote a response to Mary’s comment:
Back when I was a kid…Broadway tunes were regularly on the radio. One such tune had a very profound impact on me when I was very young, and it has stayed with me all of these years.
The Impossible Dream. (going from memory here)
To Dream the Impossible Dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love, pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When I’m laid to my rest.
And the world
Will be better for this
That one man (woman) scorned and covered with scars
Still strove
With his (her) last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
Anyway…that song impressed me so much it became a part of me. And when things get horrible…I know what I have to do.
Bear with unbearable sorrow…all of it. Everything the songs says. And it will hurt but I will survive.
The words alone are amazing but a great singer does it more justice.
Look on youtube for The Impossible Dream from the Man of La Mancha studio cast recording, sung by Ron Raines.
I have always loved the message in that song. It speaks the truth.
Yes! Very profoundly.
Unfortunately there are few sounds more irritating to me than violins. Even expertly played I find them unrepentantly screechy. Sometimes I listen to simple piano music but most symphony pieces set my teeth on edge. I’m weird, I know. However, The Man of La Mancha was my grammy’s favorite musical and I knew all the songs by heart by the time I was 5! I still sing this song to my kiddos sometimes:)
Well there you go! Non-violin musicals!
Or opera…THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE – the violins are so subdued, one might not notice them.
And I am so proud to have the same great taste as your grammy! And I too knew this song by heart by the time I was five.
Except I got to five first.
I didn’t notice the foot the first time through on that post. I had to back and look at it…while I am eating. Amazingly enough, I am still eating. lol
hahah you have a strong stomach!
Oh, the foot picture. Honestly, I couldn’t stop looking. Even though it’s super gross.
I think yoga helps, a lot. And any exercise, really (but you knew that, right?). Sometimes, when I really need to feel the feels, I watch a super sad movie. And then let myself be sad. Sometimes it’s easier to let yourself show emotion when it’s not feels about your own life, you know?
Good point! Sometimes I do think I seek out something that will intentionally start the tears, just so I can get them out!
I read something once that basically said, “Even Jesus felt pain and sorrow. How am I so arrogant to think I should be free from discomfort?” While I don’t particularly like the phrasing, it did make me stop and think. Why do I believe on some level that I should have a discomfort-free life? Do I think I deserve it? And if I had it, wouldn’t it separate me from all of humanity? So now (mostly) I remember that when I want to run: I remember that part of being human is experiencing pain and sadness, and I try and look at it as a moment to connect with humanity in general, if that makes sense.
When I remember to do that, it’s almost lighter – like a burden shared. It reminds me that these feelings are temporary, and that I’m part of something bigger, even in my smallest, saddest moments.
I hope that make sense. I suddenly feel like I’m writing bad poetry. 😉
I love this sentiment Marste! It is definitely helpful to keep a larger perspective. And I think your prose is lovely;)
I can see how hard it is to allow yourself to feel certain feelings (especially knowing that there was a point in your life when doing that could send you to the hospital). I occasionally get in a major funk (especially in the winter) for no true reason. I don’t enjoy the time spent in the funk but I know that not all times in my life can be sunshine and rainbows.
I don’t have any words of wisdom though and am sorry for the rough patches!!!
Ah winters are hard for me too! I often tell people that Hemingways “The Winter of Our Discontent” was written for me!
I have had a few panic attacks. I find breathing is the key and distraction. Sinking into my emotions is something that would probably bring on an attack for me. I don’t like that I live my life trying to avoid the heavy emotional things, but I feel I am just not equipped to deal with it without falling apart.
I feel you Cindy. Sometimes distraction really is the best policy. My issue is when I use it indefinitely as I can only put off the feelings for so long before they demand my attention. It’s all about finding balance- something I’m admittedly not good at!
Spectacular problems altogether, you merely gained any brand completely new audience. What would you advocate in relation to this page for you to created a 1 week prior to now? Almost any good?
Beetlejuice mohawk teddybear. Thing finding tomorrow jazzy yesterday. Noodle.
Joemama!
Hi! Hope you are well!
I think the above comment refers to perhaps similarity of problems/discussion (within a week) and different audience (new day – new responses) to similar post topics, and they are asking if anything has improved or something knew has been learned compared to the first time it was discussed.
I know many people who have English as their second of third language.
Actually it’s a spam comment. They sneak through my filter sometimes! Normally I just delete them but I’m so tickled by yours and Darwins’ responses that I think I’ll just let it stand!
as a veterinarian I struggle every day to deal with my emotions following seeing cases of abuse and neglect and of course the numerous euthanasias. I am already on medications for depression and anxiety -feel like I need another addition. Right now I can’t be alone with my thoughts at night. I go home, crawl into bed, spend hours on the internet while eating papa johns, mcdonalds. whatever is my poison of choice that day. it is exhausting and I hate myself for it. But I wake up each day and do it all over again.
Oh honey, I wish I could give you a big hug! This will have to do for now but I hope that you can find someone in your life you can talk to about this! That sounds like a soul killer. Please don’t hate yourself for this – you’re handling a difficult situation the best way you know how right now.
I am not ok and your post illuminates that starkly for me.
I didn’t even realize that I do this until reading your post. (Hm. I should think about this, but first I need to go clean up my kitchen.) But seriously, this post just alerted me to a huge part of my personality I didn’t even know existed. Your posts have changed my life for the better more than once, Charlotte. Thank you for writing about the things you do.
Oh thank you! Seriously, this means a lot to me:)
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This couldn’t be more timely…my whole family has been sick off and on for weeks, including my 10-year old daughter who was just laid up on the couch with fevers for 3 days straight. I live in MN where winter has a stranglehold on us–too cold to be outside, too much snow to run safely and no sun for days at a time (it wasn’t just you Charlotte, MN is still a tough place for anyone to winter;) and I just felt sad yesterday…even tho the kids are getting better, we had no responsibilities to attend to and we just got to lie around and regroup.
Lucky, right?
All I could think about was how fortunate I am and what a baby I was being–how other people fight real diseases every day and I’m emotional about being housebound with my cold-ridden kids. I finally decided that I didn’t care–I was sad and was just going to let myself be that way, whether I “deserved” it or not. Once I embraced the notion that I wasn’t going to snap out of it and was nice enough to myself to allow the sadness, (also I had a good private cry, those are the best!) I felt better…still sad, but better, and hopeful for a better day next time.
Hope you and your family are feeling better Lori.
I think we’re told we shouldn’t feel sad in our daily lives over seemingly small things because others are worse off, but in fact that hinders us if we don’t let ourselves feel down. I definitely run away from feeling the sadness, partly because I hate dealing with that feeling and partly because I don’t think I deserve to feel like that.
Many thanks, we are on the mend and getting back to normal!
I always tell my friends, family, kids, etc. to be nice to themselves when things feel overwhelming. It’s so rare that we allow ourselves that indulgence–which shouldn’t be seen as an indulgence really, when having those feelings are part of being human.
I hope your family is feeling better Lori! And I know what you mean about comparing your struggles to other peoples’. One of the things I’ve learned through doing this blog is that you just can’t compare pain – everyone suffers and when you’re hurting it doesn’t make someone else hurt less so neither is the converse;) Love what Jo said too!
I have found that the bad helps me appreciate t he good more. I am naturally optimistic and have trouble dealing with sad bad feeling…but I find when I finally take the time to open up and feel them so they wash through me I can take a step back and move forward, even if I still feel it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and in time I will see why life throws me things…some day.
I love how you differentiate between being an optimist and still feeling sad – so many people think they’re mutually exclusive and if you’re optimistic that means you’re never sad. But I too consider myself an optimist and you’re right, sometime you just need to remember sadness is part of the whole experience! Thank you!
Oh man, I have no idea how to fix this, but I do the same thing. The anxiety and crazy thoughts are so bad that I watch tv shows non stop…..homeland, sons of anarchy, breaking bad, Ray Donovan, walking dead, now dexter. I have to watch something so I don’t “think”. 🙁
I’m totally the same with binge-watching stuff!
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I have a mind that does.not.stop. All day long it just goes and goes and goes, so I have to patrol my own mind quite a bit. It’s part of my anxiety and depression and I accept that. So for me there’s got to be a balance between feeling all the feelings and just doing something to escape (and I think of myself as being quite the escape artist). To distract myself I calculate and recalculate again 100 times the calories I’ve eaten each day (part of my ED history, of course, but I realize it serves a purpose), I take long walks, I mess around on the internet reading random stuff, I watch bad TV. When unpleasant feelings come up I just have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel that way and that it’s better in the long run if I just sit with it and don’t panic about it, and remember I won’t feel that way forever. They really do move along much faster that way.
This sounds SO MUCH like me too: ” So for me there’s got to be a balance between feeling all the feelings and just doing something to escape (and I think of myself as being quite the escape artist)” Thank you for giving me something else to think about too!
I read that phrase earlier this year when I MOST DEFINITELY WAS NOT OK and it shifted how I think.
it is ok NOT to be ok.
more than ok.
You are one of my favorite examples of this type of mindfulness!
No real advice to offer but I can totally relate. I was just thinking about this exact topic last night because February is a hard month for me and I am coming up on the anniversary of something that happened when I was 14 that basically made it so I never wanted to feel anything again. Most of my adult life, I had thought I just wasn’t a very emotional person and that I just didn’t really feel things as strongly as a lot of other people. I had a major blow out a few years back and went to therapy and soon discovered I have all those same feelings everyone has, I had just become a master at shoving them aside. Therapy has definitely made me more aware and sometimes, like when I am crying at the worst possible time, I am like “argh! These stupid feelings!” I am still not great at dealing with them and would prefer them to just go away but I don’t run from them like I used to.
I’m so sorry Heather – I know well how difficult anniversaries can be. Kudos to you for knowing that in advance! I swear I’m always surprised by how emotional I can get on certain days. And it sounds like your therapy was a great help to you!
Geez – Thanks. I didn’t realize I had a problem until you pointed it out…. I watch TV, play scrabble on my phone, drive, walk, look longingly into my pathetic refrigerator; and to my daughter – try to distract her with shopping or food or some other activity when she is having a bad day… SO I not only avoid my own feelings, I try to help my 14 year old (who is already challenged with a mood disorder) avoid hers! I am an enabler and it never occurred to me! EXCELLENT!
Um, you’re welcome? Seriously though, I want someone to take me shopping to distract me;)
I’ve been avoiding thinking at all costs lately. Instead of doing parsing out everything that is going on into manageable packages to tackle individually, I’ve just shut down. I found myself sitting on the couch, purposely zoning out in front of the TV the last couple weekends, which is something I never do when I’m dealing with things properly. It was obvious to me, and my husband, that I was just completely avoiding dealing with some major life decisions I need to address. I think this time around I’ve just been thinking about these things for months now, constantly thinking about how to move forward, the best way to do it, how I feel about it, how it’s going to affect my relationships, etc. And I’ve made a lot of progress, but I think there are just so many things happening and moving so quickly, and so many life changing decisions that still need to be made, that I’m finding it very emotionally exhausting. And so I bowed out the last couple of weekends to dampen the never ending cycle of thoughts. And you know what? It’s not all that helpful to avoid all those thoughts. But maybe I needed a break.
My ways to zone out…. tv shows (even good ones), pinterest, crafts… There are times when it just feels like emotions are so confused themselves that I don’t even know what I am feeling, but it’s strong whatever it is. It hurts, it’s numbing, it’s debilitating. I used to try and listen to music to help, but when I’m moody, moody music really just digs it in deeper. I’ve realized that now and avoid that escape, but being willing to let myself feel and acknowledge what I’m feeling isn’t much easier.
Btw, I feel asleep last night thinking about this and “I used to think my life was just emotions passing by..” was thoroughly stuck in my head. Some how I got stuck in generations previous to my own…. 🙂
“Baby I’m A Want You” by BREAD.
They have a few wonderful songs.
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