Sorry, had to do it. But he really was amazing, right??
“Who’s Philip Seymour Hoffman?” I asked loudly, interrupting the noise of that football game yesterday that I was so interested in I spent the whole time either re-enacting Frozen using Barbies with Jelly Bean or surfing the web on my phone.
“Game maker from Hunger Games?” my husband answered. “Why?”
As I’m sure you’ve well heard by now, the 46-year-old Oscar winner and father of three died of a heroin overdose on Sunday while the rest of us were making blue and orange fruit skewers* and green and turquoise cookies in preparation for the Bruno Mars show. In reading up about his history and interviews on the subject of his decades-long struggle with substance abuse I found myself relating to him more than I rightfully should. His story has been rattling around in my brain all day today and I was quite confused as to why I have such a feeling of compassion for someone who I don’t think I can even say that I’ve seen one of his movies. He wasn’t personally meaningful to me – but his story of addiction was. And then I read this really amazing piece on drug addiction called “My Life Without Drugs” by Russell Brand in The Guardian. (I know. Yes, that Russell Brand. It’s beautifully written. I’m serious. Go read it.)
In it, Brand talks about his own sordid past with heroin and fraught present with its specter. He begins, “The last time I thought about taking heroin was yesterday.” And then he explains: “It is 10 years since I used drugs or drank alcohol and my life has improved immeasurably. I have a job, a house, a cat, good friendships and generally a bright outlook. The price of this is constant vigilance because the disease of addiction is not rational.”
Constant vigilance. I found myself nodding.
In talking about seeing old video of himself getting high, Brand says, “What is surprising is that my reaction is not one of gratitude for the positive changes I’ve experienced but envy at witnessing an earlier version of myself unencumbered by the burden of abstinence.”
It’s not the same, not at all, but it perfectly encapsulated the brief moment of heart-wrenching melancholy I felt this morning at the gym as I watched an excruciatingly thin woman hop from one elliptical to the next as she kept maxing out the time limit per machine. There was a look on her face – a mixture of determination and fear – that I recognized well. I’m not saying she has an eating disorder (that’s certainly not something I’m comfortable diagnosing) but she made me remember – deeply and painfully, albeit briefly – the time when I was an exercise addict. And, like Brand, I wasn’t scared of her. I didn’t feel sorry for her. I didn’t even want to help her. I was jealous of her: alone in the cocoon of her (perceived) addiction, so wrapped up in getting her fix that she had no space left to worry about anything else. I wanted to be her, even knowing where that path leads. I miss that comfort. The burden of abstinence, indeed.
Brand continues, “If this seems odd to you it is because you are not an alcoholic or a drug addict. You are likely one of the 90% of people who can drink and use drugs safely.”
I’m not an alcoholic or drug addict but, without saying too much, both run deep and wide in my family history. And I do not want to minimize the very real devastation of substance abuse or even compare it to “softer” addictions like exercise yet what Brand described doesn’t seem the least bit odd to me, not at all. Because what I think he meant is that 10% of people have addictive personalities and I am definitely in that minority.
Philip Seymour Hoffman. Russell Brand. Charlotte Andersen. I never thought I’d put the three of us together in the Anne-of-Green-Gables dingy of kindred spirits and yet here we are holding hands and telling tales of life-altering addiction.
Heroin. Ice cream. Toxic relationships. Alcohol. Reality TV. Buttered Pop Tarts. Exercise. Adderall. Shopping. Fill in the blank: I’m addicted to ________ . For some it’s easy to narrow down our favorite crutches, for others of us it’s easier to rule out what we’re not addicted to. Hi, my name is Charlotte and I’m an addict… to lots of things. Sure, I’m most famous (poor word choice, I should say infamous) for being an exercise addict and boy was that one fun! But that’s not the only thing I’ve been consumed by. In the past I’ve also been subsumed by relationships, my job (no matter what my profession – from waitress to system admin to teacher to writer – I’ve always been a workaholic), a certain TV show, food, the internet (yeah, I said it), candy and reading. And when I say I’m “addicted” to these things, I don’t mean in the jokey way that people talk about needing chocolate every day. No, I mean I get obsessed with these things to the point where I’ll lose hours and hours down the rabbit hole, be filled with self-recrimination and then it inevitably leads to me always being “on program” trying to fix myself. Heck, like some of you have pointed out over the years, I’m probably even addicted to being addicted because I spend so much time worrying about how to “fix” myself.
While I’ve long known about my predilection to get (really really) into things, I never really had a word for it until a conversation with a good friend several years ago. “I have an addictive personality,” he said by way of explaining his past littered with substance abuse, gambling, porn, obsessive relationships and other issues. “I just trade one addiction in for another but it’s always something.” As soon as he said it I gasped, “ME TOO!” Maybe I’m just addicted to diagnosing myself with whatever anyone else has – mental health issues are way more fun with friends! Or perhaps everyone has an addictive nature and I’m just now becoming acquainted with the universality of the human condition. Or maybe, like Brand wrote, some people really are more prone to addictions and I’m one of them. Just like my amazing ability to NEVER pick the right size container for whatever food I’m putting away (seriously, I’m missing the piece of my brain that handles spatial issues), perhaps I was born with a propensity for, well, propensities.
According to Wikipedia, the DSM** of the Internet,
An addictive personality disorder may be defined as a psychological setback that makes a person more susceptible to addictions. This can include anything from drug and alcohol abuse to pornography, gambling, Internet, videogames, food, exercise, work and even relationships with others. Experts describe the spectrum of behaviors designated as addictive in terms of five interrelated concepts which include: patterns, habits, compulsions, impulse control disorders, and physical addiction.
Reading the last six items on that list basically reads like the one-line version of my autobiography. And while I can safely say that I’ve never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn or gambling I think it’s more from the (intentional) lack of opportunity than any personal strength. (See? Being LDS, a.k.a. Mormon, has its advantages beyond white teeth and the ability to read Elizabethan English!***) I’m not at all trying to equate my struggles with heroin addiction but I do appreciate the raw insight into addictive behaviors that Brand gives. I still remember the day I got my endoscopy/colonoscopy as the best day of my life thanks to the awesome drugs they gave me. I’m not being hyperbolic: I’ve honestly never felt better in my entire life than I did after that shot of Demerol and Versed. For the first and only time in my life that I can remember, I felt absolutely happy. I couldn’t worry about anything no matter how hard I tried. I was just floating in a cloud of perfect well-being – which is saying a lot considering that I had a tube with a camera shoved down my throat and up my butt and they were looking for evidence of cancer. I mean, if there was ever a time in my life when worry would have been appropriate, that would have been it. (On the upside, I use that story to reassure friends who are nervous about getting one of those procedures done.)
That experience, however, combined with the aforementioned family history of substance abuse, has made me refuse all drugs when possible. It wasn’t that I don’t like them. It’s that I loved them so much it terrified me. Consequently the strongest thing I had during or after childbirth was an Ibuprofen. Just like giving up TV a few years ago, this isn’t done out of some claim to the moral high ground but rather a recognition that there are some things I just can’t do moderation in.
Continuing on in my Wiki journey of self discovery (that should really be the title of my next book),
“People with addictive personalities are very much sensitive to stress. They have trouble handling situations that they deem frustrating, even if the event is for a very short duration. They often lack self-esteem and will show impulsive behavior such as excessive caffeine consumption, Internet usage, eating of chocolates or other sugar-laden foods, television watching, or even running.
Extraversion, self-monitoring, and loneliness are also common characteristics found in those who suffer from addiction. Individuals who score high on self-monitoring are more prone to developing an addiction. High self-monitors are sensitive to social situations; they act how they think others expect them to act. All they want to do is fit in, hence they are very easily influenced by others. Likewise, those who have low self-esteem also seek peer-approval, therefore they participate in “attractive” activities such as smoking or drinking to try to fit in.
People suffering from APD find it difficult to manage their stress levels. In fact, lack of stress tolerance is a telltale sign of the disorder. They find it difficult to face stressful situations and fight hard to get out of such conditions. Long-term goals prove difficult to achieve because people with APD usually focus on the stress that comes with getting through the short-term goals. Such personalities will often switch to other enjoyable activities the moment that they are deprived of enjoyment in their previous addiction.
Addictive individuals feel highly insecure when it comes to relationships. They may often find it difficult to make commitments in relationships or trust their beloved because of the difficulty they find in achieving long-term goals. They constantly seek approval of others and as a result, these misunderstandings may contribute to the destruction of relationships. People suffering from addictive personality disorder usually undergo depression and anxiety, managing their emotions by developing addiction to alcohol, other types of drugs, or other pleasurable activities.”
That’s a terribly long quote, I know. But Inability to handle stress? Self-monitoring? Low self-esteem? Insecurity in relationships? Mood disorders? Procrastination? Holy crap – I’m either reading the story of my life or the plot line to the best romantic comedy ever.
Like many traits, there is a good and a bad side. Did you see the study that showed that most highly successful leaders – including US Presidents – rank high on the psycopathy index? It’s true, the worst and the best among us are psycopaths, particularly when it comes to a trait called “fearless dominance.” This curse-and-a-blessing factor works for addictive personalities too: My laser focus was one of my first qualities to attract my husband. It was also one of the first to royally tick him off. I am super dedicated. But I also tend to go overboard. (And not just exercise, I’ve had an inordinate number of addictions that have ruled my life in one way or the other.) I feel everything. But I read too much into it and I have a ridiculously hard time letting things go. I can finish a 400-page book in just a few hours (it’s true but I’m not super smart, I just took a speed reading course and anyone can learn to do it). But I will also think of nothing but that book for days.
Even though “addictive personality disorder” is categorized in the DSM-V as legit, not all experts agree on the definition. Says this NY Times piece on ADP
“But not all addictions are equally harmful and not all behavior that could lead to addiction necessarily does. Although Dr. Hatterer is among those who argue that addictions of all kinds are similar, he finds it useful to classify the abuse of alcohol, barbiturates and narcotics as ”hard addictions” because of the quickness with which such substances affect many aspects of behavior, and adversely influence many people around the abuser. Dr. Hatterer terms compulsive behavior such as excessive smoking, gambling, running, spending or work as ”soft addictions” because the consequences are not immediately felt by the abuser.”
Perhaps this is just one facet of being a “highly sensitive person” (a.k.a. an “orchid child” a.k.a. a drama queen) or maybe I’m just a hypochondriac. But whatever it was, it’s felt like a relief to read about it this weekend. And I hope that understanding myself better will lead me to make more effective choices and ultimately become a better person. After all, if I know that I have this tendency toward addiction, I can take steps to prevent it from happening right? I honestly am not sure whether this whole post is a worthwhile discussion or just a strange way to make a stranger’s death about me. (I prefer to think I’m learning from others but tomato, tomatoh?) But while I’m not likely to die from my current addictions (thank heavens), they still greatly reduce my quality of life and capacity to help others. And not all addictions are so soft. Remember my friend, the one who introduced me to the concept of an addictive personality? He’s dead. Like Hoffman, he relapsed into his addictions and died as a consequence.
Constant vigilance is exhausting. The burden of abstinence is heavy. But they’re better than the alternative.
Have you ever struggled with an addiction? How do you deal with it? Would you say you’re one of the 90% or the 10%? Anyone else have all the feelings about Hoffman’s passing?
*
**Diagnostic and Statistical Manual – the book seen as the definitive guide to psychiatric illness. Which doesn’t mean it’s right all the time but it does make for an interesting snapshot of humanity.
*** Lots of people think that LDS (colloquially known as Mormons) have such shiny white Chiclet teeth because we don’t drink coffee or tea but really it’s a religious addiction to tooth whitening strips. I have no research to back this up but I swear Utah has a higher per capita use of peroxide – both of the tooth and hair variety – than the rest of the nation. (Can I still call myself Mormon if I’m a non-highlighted brunette and my teeth look like corn niblets?! Existential quandary, there.) And we use the King James Translation of the Bible complete with words like “thee” “thou” and “asswage” so when I tell my kids to “Get thee hence to thy resting places before I smother you with my mantle!” they know I’m REALLY serious. Middle names are for the uncreative.
****This post officially wins for most post scripts ever on a GFE blog!
What I appreciate about you is that you are always thinking.
I also believe that you think VERY quickly and are ten steps ahead in all things and find numerous rabbit trails…offshoots…and you discover things to worry about that do not occur to many people. If self doubt were not involved you would have many more solutions than everybody else as well.
Very diligent vigilance is a trait of mine…after all “I always think everything is a trap…that is why I am still alive.”
Prince Humperdink said that, but you know The Man in Black (Wesley) lived it as well.
I too think a few steps ahead and it has kept me alive.
But it can be exhausting. Respite does seem nice, but I have to wait and see if it is on my calendar for this year.
(Speaking of Wesley…Carey Elwes was in a movie called TWISTER which you probably saw – He was a bad guy -and Philip Seymour Hoffman played Dusty who was teamed with Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt.)
Pretending weaknesses do not exist is what gives weaknesses power. Also surrender gives weaknesses power.
Charlotte, you yourself identify your weaknesses! You are already on top of it. And you do not surrender. So you are already on top of that as well.. That would mean that you have the right approach. Means you are humble.
Your vigilance is the key.
Tiring to be sure…like a person walking with a pronounced limp…the day is harder and more tiring.
The day David fought Goliath was probably more weary than the day before. And nobody would have blamed David for being tired.
But your Goliath shows up everyday. And you deal. And it is weary-some but necessary.
As a visible minority (half) I cannot always tell when or where it will work against me. Just that it will. And I deal. Just like you. Its a challenge.
Sounds like your issues are also a genetic-sourced challenge. Same as me. We deal as best we can.
I never watched the Superbowl (on purpose) so I never saw the Bruno Mars halftime.
And yes, you CAN still call yourself a Mormon if you are “… a non-highlighted brunette and my teeth look like corn niblets?!”
Me too!
Funny thing…people used to ask me if I ever met the Osmonds…and I would smile and tell them that there are millions of people in the church and sadly I have not gotten around to meeting everybody yet and I probably wouldn’t get to meet them.
And then I did.
And Donny and Marie’s teeth ARE more sparkly than anybody else. I think they have 6 more teeth than anybody else too…but they looked at me funny when I was trying to count them.
Too funny about the Osmonds! People always ask me if I’ve met them/Mitt Romney/Napolean Dynamite/whatever and I’m like you: “Um, there are millions of LDS folks…. so no. Although I’m sure they’re very nice (when they’re not being fictional!)”
Also, love this: “Pretending weaknesses do not exist is what gives weaknesses power. Also surrender gives weaknesses power.”
I am always so happy if I ever say anything helpful!
AND…now you have “one-degree of separation” between you and the Osmonds (actually all of the Donny and Marie generation performing Osmonds and at least one non-performing one)
So now when people ask you can say that you KNOW someone who has met them!
I generally only name drop if it comes up in conversation, and nobody ever asks me specifically about a few others…like Academy Award winning director Robert Wise.
I would add it to my dating profile. If I had a dating profile.
(I had a nightmare one time where I did have a dating profile.)
@Darwin “but they looked at me funny when I was trying to count them.” – You make me laugh ! That would be something I’d do !
Charlotte, I also tend to be addictive, but it’s offset (a bit) by laziness. I know that when I get anxiety over not doing something that I need to dial it back. The last time this was really bad was when I was doing martial arts 3 times per week. If I had to miss a night due to work/illness I’d get really down and anxious. I’d end up shaking. I gave it up completely.
Sometimes I try to harness that propensity in myself to achieve things, but I monitor myself so I don’t go overboard. This year I’m trying to use it to get in shape before a trip to Bali in September.
It was difficult because they are shorter than me! Glad to hear you would have too!
Sounds like you have a handle on things.
I know people who, if they were going to be late, would prefer not to show up at all. If that was my rule, there would be very few places I would go to. But in many cases, the people were disciplining themselves to be punctual.
Then there was a bus driver who blew past every stop…because picking up people would throw off his schedule.
BALI!!! I’m so excited for you! And a leeeetle jealous;) I bet you will have so much fun! And I totally understand your feelings of anxiety and shaking around missing a class. I have so been there! kudos to you for taking care ofyourself and not getting sucked in!
1) You should absolutely see some Philip Seymour Hoffman films. To get us out of the gloom, I recommend State and Main.
2) His death has affected me much more than any of the other celebrity deaths in recent years. Because I’ve seen and admired his work? Because he seemed like such a non-celebrity, in a good way? Because so many of his characters were so – wounded? I don’t know. But it has brought on a strange sadness.
3) I don’t have time right now to arrange my thoughts on addiction, but this made very interesting reading. I wonder if the (e.g. ED-related) need to always create rules to moderate one’s seemingly out-of-control behaviour is somehow related to addiction. That constant toeing of the line, even if the line sometimes changes direction.
Glad to know I’m not the only one who was affected by PSH’s death. He sounds like an interesting actor and one I need to look into more! And yes, I think there’s def a link between ED’s and addictive personalities – like you said, it’s about control…
PSH had three young kids, not two – ages 11, 7 and 5. To me that is the saddest part of the whole story – that these innocent kids will have to grow up without a dad.
Thanks for the correction!! I fixed it in my post.
Watch Twister back to back with Mission Impossible III. From total goofball to villain you want to die, you’ll hardly believe it’s the same guy.
I definitely do not have an addictive personality. (But I do still have a hard time staying away from sweets.)
Oh sweets! I still wonder about the evolutionary process that gave so many of us such a sweet tooth. And thanks for the movie recs!
We loved him in all the movies we’ve seen him in. An amazing actor and truly a different character in each. There are many horribly sad aspects of this story. One of them is that he was clean and sober for 28 years. Addiction is a CONSTANT companion and one you must be vigilent about all the time. (And you are right, it’s exhausting!) And yes, you can still be a Mormon with brown hair and corn niblet teeth. The REAL question is, do you eat green Jello? (My answer is no, therefore I have a Bishop’s interview scheduled for later this week… lol)
Let me know hot that goes…I have not had green Jello in about a decade.
Hahaha thank you! And no, I hate green Jell-O. I’m actually not a fan of Jell-O at all;)
I have never had drug, alcohol or gambling issues but I do have a propensity for wanting to hide from my feelings and escape anything painful. I just go about it in different ways. After PSH’s death, a friend of mine posted something on Facebook about how anyone who takes drugs is a moron and basically deserves to die. My first thought when I read that was, spoken like someone who has never felt so much horrible, gripping sadness or pain on the inside that you would do anything to escape.
Lol about the Mormon chiclet teeth and blonde hair! I am not a practicing Mormon anymore but I do love me some teeth whitening.
And you have the blonde hair!
I saw some FB posts like that too and it made me incredibly sad and frustrated. While it’s true we all make our own choices, addiction is a powerful demon – esp if you’re predisposed to it. I think none of us can judge anyone else’s personal struggles.
And LOL about the white teeth! I’m jealous – whitening never seems to take for me!
Not sure I have a clearly addictive personality, but I do lean more that way than the other. I tend to think of it more as compulsive rather than addictive. I have adopted a mantra of moderation, and that goes for all things, because otherwise I would find myself in the throws of doing many things to excess (particularly dieting, exercise, and alcohol). The things I can’t do in moderation I give up. One of these things is running races. Training consumes me. I’ll have training calendars and spread sheets for a “fun” run. It obviously loses all it’s fun for me and becomes a requirement, something I have to do to the best of my ability. I hate what it does to me, so I stopped.
I have this saying that is meant to be kind of funny, but is also dead serious: I drink in moderation because I love alcohol so much that if I drank it as much as I want to I know I would have to quit someday.
I love your saying! And I love that you know yourself so well as to know your limits. Had to laugh about your racing spreadsheets though because I have SO totally done that! No such thing as a “fun” run for this girl hahah!
Well, if you break it down into a 90/10 sort of categorization, I wouldn’t classify myself as having an addictive personality… but if it’s a continuum, there are DEFINITELY areas in my life where impulse frequently tends to outshout common sense and drowns it out. I admire those who can resist temptations and take the high road in all situations, but I ain’t one of ’em!
Ahhh good point! A continuum makes much more sense than a 90/10 split. Me and my black-and-white thinking strike again;) And I ain’t one of ’em either!
Not sure. Is there a 20 %, or something? I am certainly addicted to work, and I have done a lot of other things in excess as well, like eating and exercising. But I am not sure if I belong to the top 10 %.
My son, however, seems definitely to be the addictive type, being treated for his ED and excessive exercising. And every time I see an addict, I worry about him. I am so afraid he will get into other addictions later in life. He is now 18 and lives like you. No alcohol, no coffee. Just books. Lots of books. And school-work. And films. (I bet he has seen all Hoffman’s movies…). I can see his addictive personality in everything he does. Oh, so scary… We talk a lot about it and I constantly warn him.
Thank you so much for the update on your son! I was just thinking about him the other day when a friend was telling me about her teenage son’s eating issues. I’m so glad to hear he’s doing better. He’s so blessed to have a mom who can see it in him and help him deal with it in a loving way! I only recently identified this in myself even though I’ve clearly been this way my whole life…
I couldn’t identify with this more if you had peeked into my life and decided to a do vignette about it. Scary stuff, but awareness is a big step too…thanks for this post, I really needed to read it today.
I’m SO glad you commented! So many people look at me like I’m nuts or kind of laugh when I tell them this but it is kind of scary and it is a real issue for me. So glad it helps you too!
Russel Brand actually has a lot of nice, thought provoking writing.
I’m discovering that! Wondering how I missed it all these years….
Very thinky post. I was really saddened by this one too, and I’m still not sure why. I suppose it is the fact that even a very famous, successful, and rich movie star with a family, who’s not just a stupid kid, still is that unhappy.
I’m not sure what this qualifies for me to be considered, but I find that when I make something a habit, it’s hard for me to stop that inertia. Sometimes it’s for the best – I lost about 100 lbs and got into doing triathlons that way. Sometimes it’s not as productive – I feel WEIRD if I don’t have some drinks on Saturday night (Sunday races are the worst), Monday night fro yo is a hard habit to break, and I swear someday I’ll be able to go to a party and stick to the healthy food but that day was NOT this weekend (this is why potato chips are not allowed in my house… :P).
At least you know your limits! And Monday night fro yo sounds like a divine habit, frankly. I love me some fro yo!!
I really really resonated with this post. Addiction runs in my family (my parents met in AA!) and I have seen it show up time and again in my life with relationships, exercise, food/restricting food, and alcohol. I am definitely in the 10% and sometimes struggle to explain what it feels like to somoene who isn’t!
Charlotte, sometimes (all the time?) I read your blog and wonder how you managed to channel my own thoughts and feelings into your words. I feel like we could be the same person (except that you have way cuter clothes). I too have a highly addictive personality. I have also been saved from the more traditional addictions of smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc, but only because of my good girl complex. I am still struggling with my own exercise addiction and eating disorder but am much further along the path of recovery than I was a couple of years ago, and I still feel insane guilt and envy when I see someone thinner/sicker/more addicted than me. Thank you for showing me that I’m not the only person who feels this way!
I’d love to post something more meaningful than my usual . . . oh my goodness, I love your blog! But I do. I relate to so much of what you write and love knowing I’m not the only one living with this brand of crazy going on in her head!
I LOVED Philip Seymour Hoffman. He generally played some creepy characters, but MAN he did a great job of them.
And totally get that envy – disordered eating (just like any other addiction) isn’t something you “get over” with time.
I have to admit that hearing about PSH brought tears to my eyes and actually made me feel sincerely sad (heartbroken?) in a personal sense and in a way that it hasn’t ever really resonated with me when other celebrities have died. Wonder if the addiction component is part of that?
Thank you, as always, for the post, Charlotte!
I was once addicted to cardio… but I think that was more of a control thing. The more I look back, my disordered eating and over exercising was more about control than anything. My older brother, however, does suffer from drug and alcohol addiction. It is sad. Because of this, he has spent most of his adult life in jail. Then there’s me… the sister only 18 months younger who can enjoy a glass of wine each night because I DIDN’T get the alcoholism gene and he DID. I feel bad for him. I know it is about choices, too. Whether he is more predisposed to it or not, it’s his CHOICE to use. But, for reasons that aren’t his choice, it is harder for him to make the right choice than it is for someone like me.
This is such a horrible story of addiction which provided us with a scary reality check when it comes to living with addiction. Hoffman was sober for 20 odd years and with one twist of fate this talented man is taken from us. A recovering alcoholic myself, I feel like I know some of the struggles that he must have been facing, but the truth is, “addiction is a very lonely place”, and its sad that it ended up this way. RIP
I also read the Russel Brand piece and was very deeply touched. Like you I also recognized myself when he wrote about seeing the film of his earlier self and not feeling disgust or relief that he’s no longer there, but envy at the numbed-out single-mindedness of the experience he was having. You wrote about that feeling as if you were in my brain! I’m also a jellybean addict (my blog logo… well, I won’t go there now). I haven’t “used” in a long time but I know if there was a bag in the house I’d be on the couch, popping them in one at a heavenly time.
It is so terribly hard to experience pain or anxiety and choose not do anything to numb it. Not reach for the jellybeans and the ice cream, not pick at your skin, not go for a run, not take that drink or light up that crack pipe. The really amazing thing to discover when you just sit with those feelings is that they won’t kill you, even though it feels like they will when you start.
I’m still struggling with this. I think we have been lulled into believing that we can have everything just the way we want it – the light without the dark, the peak without the trough – so when the dark comes or we hit the bottom of a wave, we think there’s something wrong with us and we look for a quick fix. Fighting that urge to find the fix, and instead just sitting with the dark and accepting that it’s also a part of me – that’s the challenge. Let me know if you have any tips or secrets that would make it easier…
Back when I was a kid…Broadway tunes were regularly on the radio. One such tune had a very profound impact on me when I was very young, and it has stayed with me all of these years.
The Impossible Dream. (going from memory here)
To Dream the Impossible Dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love, pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When I’m laid to my rest.
And the world
Will be better for this
That one man (woman) scorned and covered with scars
Still strove
With his (her) last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
Anyway…that song impressed me so much it became a part of me. And when things get horrible…I know what I have to do.
Bear with unbearable sorrow…all of it. Everything the songs says. And it will hurt but I will survive.
The words alone are amazing but a great singer does it more justice.
Look on youtube for The Impossible Dream from the Man of La Mancha studio cast recording, sung by Ron Raines.
Pingback:What the Controversy Over the “Skeletal” Winner of The Biggest Loser Says About Her – And Even More About Us
I am in the 10% with you. I’ve never tried drugs, basically because I know I’d become addicted & lose what fragile grasp on reality I have now. I do drink socially, but I would definitely drink more if alcohol were calorie-free. I’m a failed anorexic, current food-abuser who’s fat. And hates herself for it. What can I say? I’m more complex then a puppy wrapped up in a cupcake.
Pingback:How Do You Feel All the Feelings? Learning To Be Okay With Not Being Okay.
I rarely comment, however i did a few searching and wound up here How Philip Seymour Hoffman
Hey very cool web site!! Man .. Excellent .. Amazing ..
I will bookmark your site and take the feeds also…I’m happy to
find so many useful information right here within
the put up, we’d like work out more strategies in this regard, thank you for sharing.
Someone essentially help to make severely posts I might
state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and so far?
I surprised with the analysis you made to make this particular submit amazing.
Excellent job!
I was studying some of your blog posts on this internet site and I believe this internet site is rattling informative!
Keep putting up.
I’m still learning from you, while I’m trying to reach my goals. I certainly liked reading all that is posted on your site.Keep the posts coming. I liked it!
You can definitely see your skills in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times go after your heart.
In addition towards the extra axle, the opposite striking additions for the 6-wheeled H2 carries a body kit, a whole new exhaust system instead of one or two, but a complete
dozen lights which adds shine to the front with the car.
One of countless ways of saving fuel is via
your car or truck. Automotive equipment distributors offer the
needed tools on the market at their outlets or on their websites.
I think the admin of this website is genuinely working hard in favor of his web site, for
the reason that here every stuff is quality based information.