I need this shirt SO BAD.
“That’s not normal, you know,” the doctor said, tapping the chart lightly with her pen. She was looking at some preliminary test results for one of my sons who I had brought in to talk about his problems at school. (Ironically it’s not the son the school was telling me to test for ADHD – I still think he’s just high energy – but in the course of testing him I began to see the pattern emerging… in his brother.)
“It looks normal to me. That’s how I do it,” I snapped.
She raised an eyebrow at me. “No, it’s really not normal. And I’m using that in the clinical sense of the word. If you and your son both do these behaviors then you’re both outside the range of normal.”
Nothing like watching your kids unravel to put your own issues in a new light.
“I don’t believe you,” I answered in my most calm voice. ( Which actually came out like “I don belief you!” because sometimes my calm voice gets a Spanish accent because apparently I channel Skippyjon Jones when I’m trying to act like a grown-up. Chihuahuas, cheese and crackers, I might want to rethink that.)
What happened next is that me and my big mouth got plopped down in front of a computer right there in her office to take “the computer ADHD test*”, officially known as the T.O.V.A. or Test of Variables of Attention. It’s a computer “game” – and I put “game” in quotes because it is the opposite of fun and quite possibly the most boring, monotonous thing I’ve ever done. You sit in front of the computer for about 25 minutes while you see and hear simplistic directions that require you to press a key whenever you see or hear a certain letter or number. Still, I tried my best. First, because I always try my best. Just the word “test” kicks my hyperachievement gene into overdrive. Second, because I was trying to prove a point: that I am normal.
I am not normal. To the tune of two standard deviations outside the mean.
For those of you who aren’t science geeks or can’t remember your stats class, that means that on a normal distribution 95.45% of people my age and gender who take the test do better than I did. The TOVA analyzes how long it takes you to respond to the verbal and visual directions and then compares you to a like group. They gave me a 15-page printout of my results which the doctor very kindly explained to me. “Not only do you have adult ADHD but you’re one of the most severe cases I’ve seen in a long time,” she started.
Immediately my hackles went up. I may be seven kinds of crazy (okay, maybe now eight) but in the grand scheme of things I’m pretty darn functional. I hold down a job. I parent four kids and mostly do okay. I mean, yeah, I forget everything not written on my hands and I’m very disorganized and I procrastinate like it’s my job and I get lost in a paper bag and I lose things as if my address is 111 Bermuda Triangle but still – my house gets cleaned, meals get cooked, laundry gets done, license plates get renewed and all that other adult stuff. What does ADHD even mean in that context? And is “normal” even relevant when we’re talking about brains anyhow??
She must have seen the look on my face because she continued, “Your results are interesting. On one hand, your ability to maintain attention and respond appropriately is severely limited but you scored off the charts – on the high end this time – for tenacity and ingenuity. You keep trying and you never give up.” I cheered up a little bit at that. She added, “Look, you probably don’t even realize how handicapped you’ve been by this because you’ve been this way your whole life, since you were born! But you’re very smart and you’ve found ways to structure your life to accommodate your unique brain. I don’t think it’s any coincidence you found your calling in fitness!”
Heh. Good point. I’ve always been drawn to jobs that allow for a lot of physical movement and freedom to indulge all my rapid-fire thinking. Waitressing, lecturing, teaching – I adored them all and was pretty successful. In another interesting sidenote, there was one other aspect where I scored very, very well and that was in a fast-paced visual environment. Apparently once the visual cues started really flying I was able to pay attention. (You know how I always complain about how I hate listening to audio books and even people verbally telling stories because people talk so much slower than I think/read and it drives me nuts? Well maybe this explains that. Actually it probably explains quite a few of my annoying tics.)
She also pointed out that she doesn’t think it’s any coincidence either that the only anti-depressant I’ve ever responded to is Wellbutrin – an atypical drug that is often used off-label to treat… ADHD. (Sidenote: When I went off my anti-depressant a year ago, I described my “depression” as feeling like I was standing in one of those money-grabbing booths and while I could see all my thoughts swirling around me like paper, I couldn’t grab any of them. In hindsight that does seem more like ADHD than depression.) “See? You even managed to find the right medication for yourself!” she added. “You’re doing great!” Then she said that in another society my ability to split my attention quickly, my highly attuned senses and craving for movement would be seen as survival skills – so basically I should have been born an Amazon woman.
But I am not an Amazon woman. And neither is my son, whose results mirrored mine so closely that you’d think we were related or something (ahem). So what do I do with this new information?
When I talked to my sister about it she was excited. “This kind of explains everything, really. It sort of ties up all the loose ends that your other mental-health diagnoses couldn’t! You might have found your THING!” She then spent five minutes ticking off all the things from our childhood – we did share a room for many years – that could be explained by me being undiagnosed ADHD. “Plus, have you read your own writing? All those parantheticals! You even write ADD!” The more she talked, the more I realized that if I am ADHD then I’ve definitely been this way my entire life.
It’s true – I’ve spent a lot of years trying to figure out what makes my brain tick differently than most other people I know. And perhaps my sister is right, maybe I’ve finally found my own Unified Theory of Crazy. But I’m more concerned about the practical aspects. What do I do now? I actually took this test about three weeks ago and have since read through my report several times. It does describe my strengths and weaknesses pretty accurately. But other than just added insight into myself, I’m not sure how it helps.
I talked to my doc about treatment options and we both agreed very quickly that with my history of eating disorders and addiction that any amphetamines (like Ritalin or Adderall) are out of the question. Plus, a recent long-term study of ADHD kids, covered in The Atlantic, found that while the children’s ability to adhere to classroom rules increased, their actual grades did not. And isn’t that the end goal? In addition, another study found that using cognitive brain training (either via computer or through special ADHD help centers) is just as effective as medication. So for now I’m staying on my Wellbutrin at the current dosage. And I’m looking into renewing my membership to Lumosity (a brain-training website).
But I still have so many questions: How does my ADHD and being an HSP (highly sensitive person) work together (or against each other)? Does this mean my initial depression diagnosis is wrong? What about the anxiety component? Can I “fix” ADHD? Is it an excuse or just an explanation? And, most of all, what does this all mean for my son??
My son’s teacher texted me this picture the other day. He had to move to the floor to do his homework because his desk was so messy and unorganized.
The one major upside I can see to my diagnosis is that it helps me understand what my son is going through so much better. I’ve always said that of all my kids, he’s the one who inherited my temperament so at least now I can help him deal with the curse/blessing I gave him.
I remember the first time I watched the movie Frozen in the theaters, I cried. But not during the scene where the girls’ parents die (Disney princesses are always having their parents offed) nor during the scene where the sisters realize how much they love each other. Nope, I cried during this scene, specifically Idina Menzel/Elsa singing:
Oh I’m such a fool, I can’t break free/No escape from the storm inside of me
I can’t control the curse!/Anna please, you’ll only make it worse.
There’s so much fear!/You’re not safe here
I guess I really related to Elsa’s struggle to figure out what was “wrong” with her and how to explain that to someone who loved her.
But as anyone who’s seen the movie knows (spoiler alert!), Elsa does learn to control her icy powers in the end and makes peace with her “curse”, using it instead to bless her kingdom (and keep the snowman alive for comic relief). And that’s what I’m trying to do too – change my curse to a blessing (albeit with way less cool hair). This probably resonates so much because Jelly Bean is obsessed with this show, constantly singing the music and acting out the scenes with the Frozen dolls she got for Christmas so I have a lot of occasion to think about it.
So the other day when I asked Jelly Bean who her favorite Frozen character is, I expected her to say Anna, because she’s the heroine. (I would have picked her just because of her awesome red hair – seriously I’ve never had CGI hair envy so bad!) Instead my little 4-year-old daughter looked into my eyes and said, “I love Elsa.” When I asked her why she answered, “Because I can feel her heart.” And she touched her fist to her chest, just like Elsa does in the movie.
Girl definitely has heart.
Do any of you have experience with adult ADHD? Any advice for me about meds or brain training or supplements or anything? If you’ve seen Frozen, who did you love more – Anna or Elsa? (I think it’s rather interesting that while I related so much more to Elsa, I like Anna more. Although I also liked Hans and still refuse to believe he’s really a bad guy. Would it be so awful to make a movie with no bad guys??)
*The validity of these types of computer tests for ADHD is apparently a subject of much debate. I’ve also had an interview with a psychologist who specializes in adult ADHD and she agreed with the computer’s diagnosis but I’m still not sure what to think of this at all.
Oh dear I can sooooooooo relate to this. Adult ADD? Got it. Kid with ADD? Got that too. Your description of what you said when you thought you had depression fits me to a tee. I’m a little verklempt over here because someone else is going through the same thing.
I got my diagnosis in 2003. This was before fancy computer stuff…. it sounds horribly boring. My son took a similar test like you took three years ago and scored off the charts ADD.
I haven’t really found any magic thing that works. I’ve tried Ritalin and Concerta and all they did was make my heart race. You can train your brain? Really? Mine is probably untrainable. I will say that when I exercise regularly my life seems to be more in order. Right now I’m training for a 5K. Nothing magical is necessarily happening over here but I feel more in control.
From experience: With ADHD comes great creativity-the problem is being able to harness it!
And for me, the big movie scene is in Mulan, where she sings about her reflection. So I get that. I so get that. And blah blah blah… right? If you want to talk about forms of ADD and ADHD, I’m your girl…
Glad to know I’m not the only one with this! And I agree – exercise is really great at helping quiet my mind. It’s probably a big part of why I love it so much!!
I think there is a line to draw at being ADHD and letting it be a label. Recognize how you react to things because of it and adapt. Like you said, use the drugs that you respond to, let your body continue to manage how you react (unless it needs extra special help) as it really does know best in many circumstances.
I wonder how I’d do as I have always been the crazy topic jumping, brain whirling kid in the family. And I completely relate to Elsa more than Anna. I practically watered plants at your pictured moment and ‘Let it Go’. Still get choked up every single time I hear it. Also cried when the parents died, but I blame my ovaries for that.
Enjoy the freedom of knowing you are crazy and that you can understand your children so well and SQUIRREL! 😉
Thanks Jess! And I’m glad I’m not the only grown woman “watering the plants” during Frozen;)
Have you read your blog? How did you not know you had ADHD? You wrote a book about the year you tried everything.
Hahahahahah TRUE!
I was diagnosed with inattentive style ADHD a few years ago. There’s a fantastic, huge forum of ADHDers online. I’ll have to get the address for you later (but it shouldn’t be too hard to find in an online search). It took me a long time to agree with the therapist and psych-doc. But yeah, I had the symptoms since childhood. It explains a LOT.
Thanks Julie! I’ll google around – I’m sure I can find some groups. This whole thing is just so new to me, I’m not sure where to start.
Hi Julie, It would be great of you could post a link to this recommended adhd forum. I did lots of searching online, there are few small groups and resources . But it seems you are talking about something with much more value. I would love to join. Thanks!
I’m back!
You’ve both probably visited the site already: http://www.addforums.com/forums/index.php
http://Www.addforums.com
I found a huge wealth of info and people going through the same things. Can’t tell you how incredible it was to me to realize I was not the only woman diagnosed later on in life.
Charlotte, you are like a refreshing breath of spring in the midst of a dark and dreary winter.
(more on that later)
First, there is the “Rumpelstiltskin Principle”…naming a thing can make it better.
Why?
Because it gives you another level of power in life.
TS Elliot said: “Between the conception and the creation…Between the emotion and the response, Falls the Shadow.”
And I’m not talking about the crime fighting vigilante dating back from the thirties…I am speaking of DOUBT.
Mixed with a huge heaping helping of fear.
Fear and doubt are linked so strongly together because their power lies in uncertainty. The vagueness.
All the “what ifs”.
Irish philosopher Edmond Burke stated: “No passion so effectually robs the mind of all of its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.”
We all have fears. The trick is to not let the fear dictate your actions.
Fear thrives in darkness. The best way to defeat a fear is to drag it kicking and screaming into the light…to see it for what it really is.
Learn something about your fear, and the light of that knowledge will take away its power.
Part of the “Rumpelstiltskin Principle”.
(This is why your sister was so excited about your news. Smart girl, your sister.)
So lets address all of this good stuff!
“my highly attuned senses and craving for movement would be seen as survival skills – so basically I should have been born an Amazon woman.”
You know I applaud this. Standing ovation.
I have had to intervene SO. MANY. TIMES. for people who dismissed the need for such things. And they also mocked me for developing them.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I personally have avoided death already. And suffice it to say there have been people who sought to take away my life.
You have also been attacked and you have had you life threatened.
So your Amazon woman tendencies are a HUGE celebration in my eyes.
Talent for Splitting attention?
Such A GOOD THING!
Picture this: Huge store, my then-wife and I shopping while she is explaining something she experienced and her resulting epiphany in a step by important step process. While listening and contributing, I note a man a few aisles over in a long coat with a bulge walking rapidly and I casually identify the two plain clothes security people closing in on him from different angles and project that the convergence of all of these paths to be a point where my then-wife is now standing.
I smile at her and pull her close (out of the aisle she is standing in) and turn her so I am between her and the abrupt take-down.
Startled, she stared past me.
“How did you do that?”
I smile.
Quoting your article: “you scored off the charts – on the high end this time – for tenacity and ingenuity. You keep trying and you never give up.”
I give this an enthusiastic standing ovation as well! Repeatedly!
And then lets combine that with this one:
“But you’re very smart and you’ve found ways to structure your life to accommodate your unique brain. I don’t think it’s any coincidence you found your calling in fitness!”
You recall your martial arts training?
What happens when you drop your left? Or your guard…depending on which hand you use for that?
You leave yourself open.
What happens if you have a “tell”…a habit which proclaims WHEN you are about to leave yourself open?
ie.. Perhaps you drop your left shoulder just before you use your right hook so people know when you will right hook so they duck underneath it and uppercut.
The problem is named, and the solution? Stop telegraphing.
This next example dates me, but you can still picture it: Being great at doing a spinning back-kick won’t help you if you are fighting with somebody in a phone booth.
You need ADDITIONAL tools.
AND OF COURSE YOU CAN LEARN THEM.
For example: “rapid-fire thinking – people talk so much slower than I think/read.”
You know their point before they get to it? You can finish their sentences for them?
You have acting experience.
Communication is MORE than just words.
So you know the words that are coming.
What are their EYES saying? What do their facial expressions say about how they are feeling? What does their body language say about how they are protecting themselves in case someone is dismissive? Is there any tinge of despair? Or is there so much joy bubbling beneath that it is fighting to be contained? What words or subjects trigger an inaudible gasp or hesitation or cause them to visibly withdraw because of some past pain?
There are LAYERS to read.
I have watched some people struggle to express their thoughts and feelings and I can tell they are pleased because with the effort they are SO much more at ease with such things then they were before. And I rejoice with them.
I can tell they sometimes when are picturing things first before they say them…because that is how their minds work. And I can tell when they are making an effort to communicate what they are feeling without being able to put it all into words.
There is SO MUCH subtext in EVERYBODY.
Take joy in reading BEYOND the words.
I mentioned previously Charlotte, you are like a refreshing breath of spring in the midst of a dark and dreary winter.
You have so many fascinating layers to read.
I love your tenacity…and your hopefulness and your helpfulness and your capacity for love.
“Rumpelstiltskin principle”!! Love this – thank you Darwin!
*smiles* You are MOST welcome.
Hi Charlotte
I love the comment by Darwin, such insight!
I don’t have personal experience but I’m sure I have read that fish oil can make a difference to children.. maybe in line with the brain training?
Hope you can help yourself and your son find peace with your diagnoses and cunning ways to maximise the benefits and diminish the challenges 🙂
Lydia
Yes! I started myself and my kids on “gel” Omega-3 supps as they’re supposedly better absorbed. And thank you!
Wow! Two women (you and Charlotte) who love my comment!
I’m blushing.
Thank-you
Normal to me is almost synonymous with boring, and who wants to be that? I like strange, quirky people whose brains can jump quickly from one thing to another. Why do you think I’ve been hanging out here so long?
My quibble is that when we discover people who are not smack-dab in the middle of the bell-curve (of whatever behavior we’re testing at the moment) we want to “fix” them. No, no, no! The cure is not to change the person, but the environment. Once you find your niche, everything is golden. That gets tricky when a person’s perfect niche is a desert island or the middle-ages, but then you just need to get more creative and improvise.
Aw, thank you!! And I agree – it’s all about finding the right fit. Which, at this point, is much easier for me to do than for my son who still has to deal with the rigidity of school…
I have no experience with adult ADHD but my 14 year does have ADHD and we do medicate it for him. It was tough for me to make the decision to try medication but as my husband so rightly pointed out, I had no trouble giving my 12 year old with asthma Singulair so why does something mental health related cause such hesitation? I will say for my son, a high protein diet seems to help.
I will say you deserve major kudos for handling life so well with ADHD. My sister and brother in law both had undisguised ADHD as kids and both ended up with drug addiction issues (a common thing with untreated ADHD). So the fact that you do keep up with all that you do says you are kind of awesome.
I like what Naomi said in her comment and I read this thing years ago that said that “normal” is like the horizon, the closer we get to it the more it recedes. Meaning none of us ever get there and we should just try and enjoy the view from wherever we are planted.
*undiagnosed (apparently typing at 5:30 am on an exercise bike is not my strong suit).
I love that quote! And thanks for the tip about the high protein diet -our doc mentioned that as well…
I think we all have our traits and quirks, and not everything necessarily needs to be “fixed”. Both you and the psychologist have said, you’re functioning on the antidepressant that seems to suit you the best, so to an extent you’re already fixing yourself . The other thing I would say is that even if you do have adult ADHD, I don’t see how this precludes you having depression alongside it. You’ve been through such a lot both recently and in the past.
In the UK I’m not even sure there that Adult ADHD is a “thing” – I’ve never heard of it here although I’m far from an expert and might be mistaken (I know that the prescribing of drugs such as ritalin for ADHD in children started in the US much earlier than it did here). I’m not trying to belittle your diagnosis by saying that, but trying to show that maybe it’s another label that someone has created that you might not even have been made aware of under other circumstances.
In many ways I’m the opposite of “ADHD” as I’m quite placid, normally pretty good at concentrating and I’m one of those people who is completely oblivious to the world around me once I start reading (much to the annoyance of my fiance). But then again when I was at school in classroom reading aloud lessons, I wanted to claw my own face off because I was so frustrated at how slow everyone else was going, as I just wanted to read ahead at my own speed. And I procrastinate like it’s my job, and have some of the HSP traits you’ve described (eg people-pleasing, perfectionism but paralysis once I realise someone is scrutinising me). And yay for writing with parentheses!
You make a good point – ADHD does seem to be a rather uniquely American thing. It’s also very recent. I have so many mixed feelings about this…
You sound like you could have Inattentive. What that means is you don’t show hyperactivity in the classic “only little boys have it” way. You hyper focus, shutting out external stimuli, and the energy often goes inward. Have you had trouble sleeping? Do you work best in a coffee shop type atmosphere and not a silent library where your mind goes all over?
Look for a book called Understanding Women with AD/HD and Women with Attention Deficit Disorder.
What it really is, is a DYSfunction of the Executive Function in the brain. Poor memory, hard to stay on track, difficulties with detail work…there’s a lot more to it.
By the way, the ADD forum has people writing in from all over the world, including England, New Zealand, South Africa, Scotland, Norway, all over. So it’s not a uniquely American thing. 🙂
I don’t think anything needs to change as a result of this diagnosis, other than a deeper understanding of yourself and why you react the way you do in certain situations. You are beyond functional, you are successful. You are a mother of 4 for heaven’s sake, can you imagine NOT being able to function and thrive in chaos? Also, this test doesn’t sound like something I would even WANT to do well at. Think about it, who excels at blindly obeying irrelevant directions? Do you want to be like everyone in this context? Count yourself as one of the lucky 4.55% who is a more creative thinker and take the notion of this being a “handicap” with a boulder of salt.
As an aside, does it say something that my brain was involuntarily zoning out reading your description of this test, and that I was immediately grateful that I didn’t have to take it? (Mental note: how can I avoid ever being a situation where I might have to take that test?) Also is it telling that I never noticed that there was anything unusual about the way you write because I think the same way with all the parantheticals and everything? On second thought, don’t answer that.
Hahahah good point about the test! And I love that our thought processes are so similar;)
You can look at being diagnosed ADHD as a disability or a blessing. So basically you can either have ADHD or you can HAVE ADHD. Own it girl. You have abilities that the rest of us struggle with. You’re able to multi-task like nobody’s business. You can think outside of the box in solving problems. You have the energy and stamina to be a professional in the fitness industry for crying out loud!!!
There are times I look at my son, Bill (has ADHD), and wish just for one day I could drain some of that energy into my own life. When I’m faced with a situation and I can’t figure out what to do, I call Bill into the room and 9 times out of 10 he comes up with a solution I would have never thought about.
Of course having ADHD comes with its own challenges. So does having bad eye-sight or bad hearing or a breathing disorder or whatever other ailment some people live with. You work your life around it. My father, for instance, has only 10% hearing in one ear and is deaf in the other. He wears a hearing aid to help the 10% ear. When my mother would gripe at him about something, he would look at me and say “There are days I love being deaf”. Then he would reach into his ear and turn his hearing aid off!
You are an amazing writer. Had it not been for the ADHD, maybe your writing wouldn’t be so great. I see from your posts that you’re an amazing mother. You balance a lot of responsibilities and yet you are still able to entertain and educate all of your readers. Maybe you wouldn’t be able to handle all of that responsibility without the help of ADHD. That’s right…I said help.
ADHD makes you who you are…and we all love you. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Hahah thank you Tammy! You’re right – I’m going to OWN being ADHD. And good point about my mental health stuff definitely influencing my writing;) Love that story about your dad and I’m so glad your son is doing so well with his ADHD!
You and I are way too much alike! 🙂
I have lifelong depression and anxiety. I’m most definitely an HSP. And I was diagnosed by my physician father with ADHD almost 8 years ago after he found out he had it. My younger brother also has depression and ADHD, and my dad thinks that my grandfather probably had it as well. It explains sooooo many things about my childhood and adult behavior and coping skills. Sometimes I marvel at the fact that I can even function in the real world!
I highly recommend books by Ned Halloway, Driven to Distraction and Delivered From Distraction. I’m on Wellbutrin as well as some other meds for my mental health issues and have been on ADHD meds off and on over the past few years. Such a huge help.
So — you’re not alone.
Thank you for the recs Becky! I actually have read both of those (after posting about my son’s possible ADD) and they were very helpful. So glad that you are doing so well with your ADHD now – it gives me hope!
Um, that sounds awfully familiar. Two books I found very helpful: https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=Qm7F2-ZL5IEC&source=productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1 and http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0966036646/ref=pd_aw_sim_b_7.
Email me if you want to commiserate.
Very cool!! I haven’t seen these before – will def. check them out and thank you for the offer, I may have to take you up on it!!
It may be a great blessing to your son that you have the same diagnosis as him. It’s scary to be ‘diagnosed’ with something but it can also be very isolating, especially as a child. You may not have chosen it yourself, but you could look at it as a way to help him learn how to handle it in life. You’ve done amazing things – no reason why he shouldn’t too!
I also wonder if suggesting you can ‘fix’ ADHD is like suggesting you can ‘fix’ your personality. It only needs ‘fixing’ if it’s getting in your own way, so beyond that, the diagnosis is just a tool for more information. Please don’t feel you have to change now that you have an ‘answer’! And I say this because your blog has given me huge insights into my own personality (I’m not ADHD, but I’m most definitely HSP, among other labels I could reel off) and you’ve helped me to understand that there is no holy grail of a finished product of a person. We just work with who we are on any given day, and perhaps move, little by little, in a direction that makes us have happier days.
I think so, yes. I don’t know if he sees it that way yet but hopefully I can help him!
More thoughts (as you tend to awaken such;)
It is also no surprise that with your brain running in its highest gear all the time that you find the need to stay in bed all day at times. High gear is exhausting.
You might also use an audio book to help you picture beyond the words…the environment the book is speaking of urban rural…sounds sights and smells that come with that. This may, while you are gathering/imagining the additional data make the audio not seem so slow.
My talent for splitting attention and my highly attuned senses were LEARNED…acquired through your old adversary MEDITATION and training.
There was a television show entitled KUNG FU that was first meant to star Bruce Lee but wound up starring David Carradine due to Hollywood bigotry. I quote:
Young Cain: You cannot see.
Master Po: You think I cannot see?
Young Cain: Of all things, to live in darkness must be worst.
Master Po: Fear is the only darkness.
Master Po: [After easily defeating Young Cain in combat] Ha ha, never assume because a man has no eyes that he cannot see. Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Cain: I hear the water. I hear the bids.
Master Po: Do yo hear your own heartbeat?
Young Cain: No.
Master Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Young Cain: [Looking down and seeing the insect] Old Man, how is it that you hear these things?
Master Po: Young Man…how is it that you do not?
(Your son may just find this approach exciting! means to a pretty cool end!)
Meditation…being aware of everything and nothing, can also help you to pinpoint and focus and help you to concentrate.
Ah meditation, my arch nemesis, we meet again…
*thinks*
…Charlotte…
Have you ever tried meditation while (wait for it)…moving?
Tai Chi
I recently decided that new diagnoses are not going to change the way I do anything, currently. I think I’m coping fine the way things are now, I’m actually living. I’ve balanced the way I can, and I’ve got a handle on things. If, in the future, I don’t – then I will re-evaluate. But for now, we’re good.
That’s a good attitude to have! I’m still not sure what to make of this…
I don’t know about the accuracy of these diagnosis’s. You always hear about people being diagnosed with this and that, bi-polar,depression, ADHD…I watched a documentary on youtube about this guy who made up some symptoms and went to see 5 different counsellors – each counsellor gave him 5 different diagnosis’s. Since then I became very sceptical with regards to the competency of counsellor’s and their diagnosis’s.
That’s a valid point.
I have also ADHD and my two daughters perhaps.
Anxiety can be a way to cope with ADHD, it keeps part of your brain busy so it is easier to concentrate. Well it is hard to explain, but scribblin or moving around or even reading something easy while listening makes it easier to concentrate and with anxiety it is the same.
As a supplement, vitamin b (b6 especially) and zinc help me a lot, but perhaps it is because I have a deficit.
And sport helps to, i prefere swimming and Jujitsu. Usally 3 to 4 times a week.
Sometimes I take Ritalin, it helps when my thouhts are caught in a loop but i don’t realy like it.
I plan doing a hair analysis for my children to see if they have some deficits too as zinc has made such a difference for me.
Very interesting about zinc! I’ll look into that! And thanks for the other tips as well Gabri!
Your son’s school desk looks like every desk/work surface I’ve inhabited. I hope his bedroom doesn’t look like mine growing up.
I was just diagnosed with adult ADHD this summer, after I spend six months talking with a counselor and my clinical depression wasn’t getting better. My doctor disagreed with the diagnosis, though she didn’t really probe any farther than to say I could either have a prescription to Welbutrin or go get a psch eval. I choose the Welbutrin and it has made a significant impact. I’m still not 100% where I want to be, but I actually have periods where I can concentrate long enough to accomplish tasks.
The diagnosis was a relief, I always knew something was wrong but anytime I tried to speak to a doctor or psychiatrist I was told that in order for them to screen me I had to be referred by my school or work. I am high functioning enough for there never to be a serious problem so I always though there was something wrong with me, some reason why I could never do better in school or stay on top of my work load. When my sister decided to commit to school she was diagnosed with ADHD and she does leaps and bounds better in school that I did–mainly because she can concentrate for longer periods of time and she has developed coping skills to succeed. When talking with her and my mom, we often laugh at a lot of my dad’s quirks, so it is pretty likely he is also ADHD, but he commercial fishes so it has never really held him back.
I am more interested in non-drug ways to help my brain function better. I might pay for luminosity or look at other things that might help concentration. So far I’ve noticed that if I remember to take my meds and a host of vitamins (multi, vitamin d, pro-biotic, fish oil) I find I can concentrate and work better than if I forget to take those things. I’m also reading some books to help develop ways to organize so I’m not prone to losing or forgetting things. I need to start exercising more consistently because I feel better when I do. I’m not sure if it helps my concentration, but at least my depression and anxiety are lessened.
I say you don’t have to label yourself if you don’t want to. My counselor was really sweet and said that she didn’t believe in labels, but was more interested in helping me develop ways to work with my strengths–which I think you have done in spades. (I’m actually super jealous because I have a hard time remember my keys, wallet, and phone in the mornings.) I have friends who might be ADHD or OCD but aren’t diagnosed and I take their crazy as part of them. If it works for you, then who cares?
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Kate! It really gives me hope that I can get to a place where I’m comfortable with all this. And you’re right, it’s (mostly) working as is so I have plenty of time and space to decide what to do with it!
All so interesting. I relate a lot to ADHD stuff (my brother is severely ADHD, struggles with depression, and is also highly sensitive, but doesn’t manage to be quite as successful at maintaining a “regular” life) and so this is really interesting.
I apparently also write like I have ADHD. I really want to take that test now.
Hahaha ADD writers unite!
I really want to pursue getting tested for ADD/ADHD. I see a lot of it in myself, but I was always a straight A student so people tell me frequently “ADD people don’t get straight As they can’t focus through school”
But it does feel so normal for me, it’s not that something has changed, it’s that people around me as an adult have begun noticing and commenting on it.
What it affects the most is my driving. I seriously think I’m a threat. I didn’t get my license until 23 because I just couldn’t focus well enough to be comfortable on the road. Even now that I do drive, my attention is too scattered to be good. I’ll look at a billboard then back at the road then theres a colorful car driving the opposite direction, then OMG TRAFFIC STOPPED and my brakes squeal to a stop. Or I’ll be at a stop sign intersection dizzy about what I need to pay attention to, do I look at the traffic from this side or that side? Is there another street over there? That car is inching forward. Is it my turn? It’s stressful, I hate driving.
Hey I was valedictorian of all 3 graduating classes I’ve been in. I’ve never got less than an A grade in anything, ever. (Perfectionistic much??) I actually think this is more evidence that ADHD in women manifests differently than in men. And maybe you’ve also got the high tenacity part too:) Let me know what you find out!
P.S. I’m a terrible driver too. It’s kind of a joke with how many things I’ve run into…. sigh.
I have been diagnosed with so many things in my life, some accurate (like depression and scoliosis) and some completely wrong (like bipolar) and I will tell you one thing: not once has a diagnosis helped me. Not. At. All. In fact, every diagnoses has only made things harder for me. It started with depression. I’d been so happy to finally be on the road to recovery! They had all these fancy drugs and therapies; something had to work, right? Nope. All I got from those drugs is a stack of bills I can’t pay and an irrational fear of roller coasters (from a bad experience with anti-depressant withdrawal from when my shrink went out of town and left me without a re-fill).
Scoliosis? You’d think knowing my back was wonky would help me; it certainly explained why I found it uncomfortable to stand for long periods. Nope. I started using it as an excuse, mostly in fitness. “What do you mean my form is off! My back literally can’t go that way!” “Oh,” the instructor would always say, “We’ll have to keep an eye on that.” But just last week I had an epiphany in my Insanity class (that is honestly what it’s called) when I was the only one who showed up and it turned into a free session with a personal trainer. She worked so hard with me, helping me do a squat properly for the first time in my life. Turns out, my back CAN do that. Turns out, my lunges don’t suck and hurt my knees because, “bad knees run in my family boohoo” like I’ve always said. It’s because I was doing them wrong! If I’d kept clinging to all my diagnoses I’d have been limiting myself. I’m sick of limiting myself! I’ve stopped using “my scoliosis!” as an excuse in my fitness classes since last week. Of course, I do know there are things wrong with me; my entire skeleton is far from normal. I’ve just turned it from, “I can’t!” to “I can’t yet, but if I go slow I will.”
The of course there was the “bipolar” debacle. I was CONVINCED I had that. Why else did the 5+ antidepressants I tried not work? But I knew a diagnoses from a psychiatrist who barely spoke English should be questioned, and in the end not only did the meds not help, but they started killing off my white blood cells and almost killed me. Oh, and of course i don’t have it. I shrink who actually spoke English told me so, and I trust her more.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say with this rant is that if what you’re doing is working for you, you should probably mostly ignore the diagnoses. I don’t know what to say about your son. I suppose, if he’s high functioning, I’d ignore it for him, too. Of course, I’m not a parent, and I’ve never met him, and you never did say what specifically made you take him to the doctor. I will say I was a complete mess as a kid; everything I touched looked like your son’s desk in that picture. However, as an adult I’m very clean and organized. So, people can grow out of stuff like that (not that everyone does, and that’s OK, too, because it gives people like me employment opportunities in the house-cleaning business!)
Frozen made me cry, too. For me it also wasn’t the parents dying; it was when Anna was begging Elsa to play with her, and she was so confused as to why her sister had abandoned her. Gosh, I’m tearing up right now! I was also very emotional for the scene you brought up. When Anna said to Elsa, “It’s ok! You can just unfreeze it!” it reminded me so much of all the well-meaning people who hear about my depression and dismissively say, “It’s ok! You just need to think more positive!” I’ve always thought that was the cruelest thing you can say to someone with depression. Might as well tell someone with cancer, “Just tell your cells to stop mutating, silly!”
This is such an interesting story and I’m so glad you shared your experiences with your many diagnoses. I’m so glad that you are doing so well with all of it now and that you are taking strength from your ability to adapt! I hope that I won’t use this newest string of letters as an excuse to limit myself so I appreciate your warning!
ADHD + HSP is awesome because things irritate you but you quickly forget about them, until a few seconds later you remember but then you get distracted again. The hard part is the emotional fluctuations, I know you knee what I mean. I think they go with these, but if you can cope I think they are both awesome. You can multi task like a beast and you notice things in your environment that no one else ever does, which just makes you more life Sherlock Holmes (but then you forget it, cause hey, a squirrel!).
Hahahah true! It’s like a superpower! That… makes me get lost a lot;)
I’m an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), so I made it through college and grad school without knowing I have ADHD. My mom has it as well. We just always thought she was rude. Because she would always interrupt and change the subject mid-conversation. 2 of my nephews also have it. One would have never discovered his love of drawing and art had he not been diagnosed and medicated. He couldn’t sit long enough.
In my humble opinion, the best way to tell if you have ADHD is to take an amphetamine based medication (short acting, with a dr. assistance of course) and see how it affects you. The first time I took an Adderall all of the sudden I just stopped what I was doing and thought to myself, “It’s so quiet in here.” It was LITERALLY like someone took a radio station in my head off of static and put it on the station. I know I have ADHD because Adderall calms me down. It doesn’t just make me focus better, it calms me down.
I haven’t read all the comments because, frankly, I get annoyed with everyone’s opinion about ADHD. Everyone has an opinion about amphetamine based medications and ADHD being over diagnosed and yada yada. Maybe all the comments on this board are supportive and wonderful, but I’m not going to take the chance of getting pissed off 😉
I functioned ok without medication. And medication doesn’t fix it completely. But my quality of life is better. I don’t interrupt in meetings as often. I don’t cause as many car accidents (oh, look!…something shiny!….crash). At one point my insurance was $3000/year because I kept rear ending people. I’m not kidding.
As for your children: I worked with adolescents for a long time and one thing I saw constantly were kids (especially boys) who had ADHD who weren’t diagnosed or their parents wouldn’t put them on meds or whatever. By the time they were teenagers they KNEW they were bad kids. They’d go into class with every intention of being a good boy and before they knew it they were in trouble. What kind of message would you receive if this kept happening to you? Undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD is a self esteem KILLER. Personally, I’d rather risk some unknown physical side effects than risk a child’s self esteem. But that’s just me. Because I was that kid.
Obviously I have a lot to say on the matter. The bottom line is that ADHD can explain a lot. At least for me, it was why I got chubby as a kid (I was always bored so I ate…and speaking of boredom, it is freaking unbearable for someone with ADHD), it was why I never listened to anything a teacher said so I had to teach myself everything, it was why I never felt all that great physically or emotionally.
And as far as the benefits of having ADHD, yeah they’re great, I guess. But ADHD makes you feel like crap. It’s an energy suck. Sure you can hyper focus and multitask and all that. But who cares if you feel like crap? Being diagnosed and medicated was a God send. Literally. And maybe it will be for you, too 🙂
p.s. girls and women tend to show symptoms differently than boys. Of course there are exceptions but girls aren’t always as physically hyper. As a result, girls and women are underdiagnosed. So don’t think that because a girl isn’t jumping out of her seat she isn’t ADHD. She may not be listening to a word being said. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your powerful experience Alesia! You definitely make some good points about self-esteem – which is why I’m still pursuing the testing and treatment options for my son. I definitely don’t want him to think he’s “broken” or “bad”! As an adult I’m in a different place with a lot more control over my environment. Unfortunately he doesn’t have that. So it may take some medication or extra help for him to get through school and if that’s what it is then I will be more than happy with it! Right now this is all just so new so I’m still trying to learn everything I can. Thank you!
I have no doubt you’ll make the right decisions for your children! You’re a thoughtful and inspired mother, no doubt!
My mother-in-law has undiagnosed, but very obvious, ADHD. Her dad, my hubby’s granddad, explains her thusly: “One explosion propels her to the next.” She is simultaneously indispensable and annoying as heck. She knits to quiet her brain down. The counting and repetitive motion gets her streams of thoughts going all in the same direction.
Hopefully your diagnosis leads to, at the very least, a peace with who you are, not that you don’t already have that, but also your addendum.
Oy, Yeah I definitely don’t want to be that MIL someday! Although I think my kids already think I’m as annoying as heck;) And thank you for your kind words!
Sigh…I was diagnosed with ADD about 12 years ago when I was 30. Since then my sister has been diagnosed and though there is no diagnosis, I’m fairly certain my mom has it. At the time when I first found out it was hard because it did explain a lot in terms of things that I have always struggled with but could not explain, disorganization, losing things all the time, being unfocused. In the end however, I think the diagnosis helped me. Having a reason for why I lose my keys, wallet, phone, every single thing ever, forced me to create rituals of where I put things, double and triple check that I have everything before I leave a place. Also- when I get stressed I become a total maniac, so you should see how much I plan every little thing to try to avoid stress- it may seem like I’m crazy but it works for me. Living in chaos is so stressful and I try really hard to keep things cleanish and organizedish so that I don’t get stressed out and go all insane on my family (unfortunately this still happens). (I have 2 sons and a husband. They are super messy.)
The hardest part I think is seeing it start to play out in your kids. Do you know that Ben Folds song where he says “You’re so much like me, I’m sorry”? I think about that all the time with my sons, my 6 year old reminds me so much of me, it’s kind of awful. My youngest is 3 and just got kicked out of preschool (although he sounds a lot like your other son that gets in trouble, so maybe he’s just high energy?) Maybe by understanding what it is like will make it easier for us to help them? I don’t know… please let us know when you figure it all out.
I am reading Smart But Scattered in an effort to understand how to consciously train my daughter in executive skills that I also lack. The authors run an ADD clinic, and say that the suite of symptoms is a specific combination of executive skill deficits. Again with the Rumpelstiltskin Principle, knowing I am weak in time management (well duh, but that it’s one of 12 axes of executive function, and not a personal failing) is very freeing. Now it’s just a characteristic that can be worked on or accounted for.
I also stumbled on Carole Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth program. I didn’t find a whole lot of new information there about how I should dress, but the way she conceptualises personality types included a ‘secondary type’ which none of the other systems I’ve encountered did, and THAT was big: I lead with a very introverted, structured style, but my secondary is basically a Jack Russel terrier on coke. Lots of starting and darting, which my linear side finds shameful but she can describe in positive terms. Again, a reframing for de-shaming.
Ken Robinson says in one of his on-line talks that most kids diagnosed with ADHD can concentrate on something they love just fine, and they should really be diagnosed as suffering from childhood. I think you’re right on the money that classroom compliance is not the goal over educational success, so as long as his methods get him where he needs to go, so what? And clearly you’ve developed ways to succeed which you can teach him. I say you’re in like Flynn and can just use the diagnosis as shorthand explanation as needed.
Though I do take Alesia’s point about being ‘that kid’ (I was in my own way too), my tactic is to plant them where they’ll bloom, rather than call in the Roundup to try to get them to bloom where they’re planted.
Charlotte, have you ever taken the mbti personality test? In addition to being a HSP and having clinical ADHD, you may also have a personality type that is prone to distracted attention. I can’t imagine you, of all people, haven’t taken the mbti 🙂 It’s a test!
I just stumbled onto a site about gifted children that pointed me here:
http://borntoexplore.org/overexcite.htm
It’s about “overexcitabilities” predicting giftedness in children. Perhaps you and yours are gifted instead of ADD? I love at the end of the article how it explains that different MBTI personalities show giftedness in different ways…Something to consider.
I have no help for you and ADHD but as far as Anna or Elsa, I couldn’t pick…but my daughter LOVES Elsa, because she has magic… Though I like Anna’s dress better LOL
I don’t have any advice on medication or anything, but I can give some advice that was given to my husband and I when our kids were diagnosed with autism: You have a name to go with the behavior, and that’s the starting point. Information is power, and now that you know, you can find the path that suits you best.It’s not a definition of who you are, it’s simply a part of you, like eye and hair color.
<3
I am not a diagnosis person. That being said, my son has all of the signs of ADHD, and in second grade, things were so tough for him that I brought it up with our pediatrician . This was after our principal suggested ADD medication for our son because he was not finishing his work in school, and frustrating his teacher with his sixth-grade reading level and perfect tests (actually she was annoyed that he would “overthink” questions and explain why the question she asked could actually have several answers. Or, one time she asked a question about eating candy bars, and in his answer he wrote that he would never eat six candy bars because that would make him sick; and he preferred apples to candy bars, especially green apples. As adults, we knew what the teacher was looking for, but E could not get past wanting to write the answer that was true.
Anyway, his doctor said – he is not ADHD, he is gifted and he needs to be tested, and that my job as a parent was to fight and advocate for him. I was in the middle of having him placed in another school because his particular classroom happened to have a high percentage of children who were not able to read at grade level, so E was not able to work with his teacher on reading, he was just given books to read quietly while she held reading groups with all of the other children. When we met the new principal, she talked with E for ten minutes and said, has he been tested for the gifted program? This school has a gifted program? We had him tested, and the results were that he was significantly gifted (our psychologist said that she had run out of questions for him, though she would have loved to keep asking just to hear his answers).
He went into the program with a bunch of kids who think just like him ( and you and me if I’m not stepping out of bounds for saying so), and it was so affirming to have him be lifted up in school. To have the material taught in a manner that was accelerated as well as having interdependent subject curriculum because gifted children have a knack for making connections (as do ‘ADHD’ children).
The prologue? My son’s gifted program ended after fourth grade, where budget cuts moved all fifth-graders to one school in the district. Gifted kids were “clustered” and given to teaching teams that would ‘get’ their needs. Sixth graders had slightly less oversight, and middle school would have no consideration.
So he has been mainstreaming since sixth grade. Guess what happened? Disorganization, daydreaming, not getting ‘boring’ work done, or not turning in finished assignments because he didn’t notice everyone else doing so. We have to be diligent to be on top of what is going on, what is assigned, what is being studied at all times in each of his classes, with each of his teachers. With all of that, he still misses turning things in on time because they weren’t listed on moodle. We could enroll him in the $20,000/yr school that caters to gifted students, or we can go ahead with the other diagnosis so that he can be medicated to ‘fit’ better in a mainstream environment. I never thought I would be making this kind of choice, but we can’t afford private school. I firmly believe that what is called ADHD is a gift. Just because one person’s brain works differently than another’s doesn’t create a need to pathologize them. My son’s artwork is simultaneously beautiful, funny, touching, cute, heartbreaking, etc. A ‘normal’ brain could not create what he does. When he was diagnosed as ‘gifted’ I secretly wished that he was dumber and normal for how much easier it must be to live without the feeling your skin is turned inside-out and that you will never be able to just be ‘normal’.
We have been talking about the medication. My 14 year-old son has a very tight-knit group of very smart, very sensitive, very funny friends. When some of these friends go on ADHD medication their grades get better, their parents get off their backs ( a bit), they hate how the medication makes them feel physically; but it is a trade-off they want to make so that their extremely stressful lives are a little-bit less-so. I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to agree to drug my kid for the last quarter of this school year so that he can swim in the mainstream a little better. I am going to agree to drug him to make it easier for him to survive the institutionalization that is currently and historically public schooling.
TLDR: My son is gifted, aka ‘ADHD’, we are going to drug him so that he can survive high school with some sense that he is a valid person intact.
I ruined my whole book by writing prologue instead of epilogue. Ugh.
NON-MEDICATION HELP FOR DEPRESSION
Has anyone mentioned neuro feedback or brain biofeedback to you? It is commonly used to improve ADHD, but more than that It can help with depression. I know that because I have both.
I first investigated neuro feedback for depression. (Medications only kept me from sliding completely into a hole but didn’t bring me up to feeling even OK.) I had had a suspicion about being adult ADHD as well, but stimulants didn’t turn the lights on for me as they do for some folks.
A QEEG, the process that measures activity across the entire brain, showed that I did have ADHD and a couple of indicators of depression. It also showed evidence of a mild head injury I wasn’t even aware of having had. It seems that many people carry around the deficits and impairments of falls and knocks that result in learning problems and mood disorders and other miseries.
Unfortunately there is no program you can do at home. Someone with specific training needs to map your individual brain activity and give each portion of your brain the feedback it needs to alter its function so it all works together better.
If you like to read up on things, you could look at A Symphony in the Brain by Jim Robbins.
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I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Here is what I have found helpful so far: 1) Vyvance, an “all day” stimulant medication helps immensely. I noticed a huge difference 30 min after taking my first dose…all the “noise” in my head, that I’d been living with all my life, suddenly stopped. My mind felt like it could finally run at the speed it had aways wanted to. Even if a person is dead-set against taking ADHD meds long-term, I think a short trial run is probably a very good idea. If nothing else, it will give you a reference point of sorts from which you can better recognize and understand your ADHD symptoms. 2) A low carb (ketogenic) diet has been helpful to me. People with ADHD metabolize glucose in their brains 6-8% less efficiently than people without ADHD. A low-carb diet allows your brain to use ketones as an alternatve brain fuel instead of having to rely only on glucose. I switched to a low carb diet about a year before my ADHD diagnosis and, in addition to losing weight, I could think a bit more clearly + had steadier energy thoroughout the day. Helpful 3) EPA/DHA (fish oil) for omega 3s