Who are you?
The moment you first see your baby is supposed to be one of the most beautiful of your whole life. It’s supposed to make you forget all the pain you endured, be grateful for the sacrifice, make it all worth it. You’re supposed to fall in love, right there in that strange hospital room with all those strange people feeling all those strange feelings. But it didn’t work that way for me. Instead, as I held my little strangers, the first thought I had when I saw each one of my five babies for the first time was simply Who are you?
I think part of it was the pain. I had two-and-a-half births with an epidural and two-and-a-half births with no drugs (and of course it’s the two halves that tell a whole story) but all were excruciating. After Jelly Bean’s birth, which was a “natural” delivery, I turned to my husband and said, “We are never having any more children. But if by some freak chance we do, force me to take the epidural! In fact, just flat-out anesthetize me. I can’t do this again.” I was shaking so hard from the effort I could barely hold her. And I did not forget the pain. The next night I woke up screaming with some PTSD nightmare, thinking I was still in labor with its red-hot unstoppable pain. I still haven’t forgotten that pain and I don’t think I ever well.
Another part was my ever-worsening post-partum anxiety. It put me under a cloud that pulled me ever farther from my children even as I clenched them tighter to my chest. I was so worried about them dying of SIDS that I couldn’t enjoy just watching them sleep. I was so scared of them choking that I couldn’t smile as they took their first bite of food. I was so afraid of them strangling that I wouldn’t allow anything with cords or string on it in the nursery, much less anywhere near the crib. All those balloon bouquets people give you to celebrate births and birthdays? DEFCON 1. And that cloud didn’t begin to lift until my progesterone and estrogen started leveling out. It started getting better around four months post-partum but I don’t fully feel like myself again until they are fully two years gone from my womb. Thanks for nothing, hormones.
But part of it really was just this overwhelming sense of not knowing who this little person was. None of my kids were ever born looking like I’d imagined them; I didn’t recognize them. Not yet. Anyone who’s ever had a child can tell you that they all come out with their own little unique personalities, quirks, wants, and dislikes – the concept of tabula rasa (blank slate) is ridiculous – yet in that moment I didn’t know any of these things about them. And I would spend the next two years playing the trickiest game of charades ever trying to figure it out. As I stared into their squished faces (newborn heads get royally squashed coming through the birth canal, do not let TV fool you!), I felt instinctively protective of them and there was love, on a primal level. There was also a measure of I worked so hard to get you here by golly I’m keeping you here. But that deep mother-child bond people talk about so much? Didn’t have it. Not even once.
I tell people I didn’t like any of my kids until they were six months old. They usually laugh because they think I’m joking but it’s quite true. And apparently I’m not the only one just hanging on to the 6-month mark as a recent survey said in print what so many of us don’t say out loud: newborns are often very unlikeable little people. Now, I don’t want people to confuse this with post-partum psychosis, that awful illness that makes mothers reject their children. I cuddled and kissed them. I fed and changed them. I was so so careful in my ministrations. I protected them (maybe too much). I always loved them. But I didn’t like them until they passed the bologna loaf stage. Some people are “baby people” (my husband is one) who adore that brand-new stage. But the older my kids get, the more I like them.
And oh how I like them! I love watching them grow into their true selves, getting a glimpse into how their fantastically weird little brains work. I love seeing them try new things and succeed at some while failing at others. Some things I can predict – their smarts, their eye color, their summer freckles and winter pallor – but there is so much more that I can’t. They surprise me every day, in the smallest of big ways and the biggest of small ways. And today was one of those surprises.
I got some notes home from one of my son’s teachers telling me that while they think he is a lovely child and very smart and helpful, he is – to paraphrase – a huge nerd and the other kids make fun of him. Worst part? One teacher sadly noted that he is so eager for friends that he often doesn’t realize when they are making fun of him.
I went to a place where he couldn’t hear me and cried so hard I almost made the notes unreadable. I would do anything to save him from that pain. Because I know exactly how it feels. When I was in school, I was so earnestly unaware that the other kids spit on me. And not just spit but hawked loogies into my hair. They slammed doors in my face, dumped sloppy joes into my book bag during lunch and inflicted a million other tiny paper cuts. And I never knew the why of why me.
My husband and sister both pointed out that my son’s situation is different from my own horrific school experience in one major way: He has me. True. Yet I have no idea what to do. The way I solved my problems was to rebel in high school and then grow out of it when I went to college and found out how to reinvent myself. My husband added that I’ve learned how to turn my sensitive nature from a curse to a (mostly) blessing. Perhaps I can teach my son that kind of compassion. Deep down, I kind of expect him to teach me a few things about living a life with an open heart – because that’s just the kind of kid he is.
Yet.
There’s nothing quite so unnerving as looking into your child’s liquid eyes and asking Who are you? only to hear:
I’m you.
Oh Charlotte!
I had such horrible times in elementary school and it’s a deep, deep fear of mine that my children will experience the same thing.
I am so very sorry you got such a note and am crying a little bit with you.
Thank you Bethany!
Your school doesn’t have one of those nifty anti-bully campaigns that I’ve been hearing about in the news? Maybe it needs one.
Hahah oh it has one! Remember, my son got busted under it for throwing snowballs. SIGH.
So true! I have been struggling with this issue as well, since my son got his ED. He is like an exponential version of me. His ED has been a lot worse, he has even more anxiety, he is even more sensitive and more obsessed, but he is also smarter, funnier, much more mature and lots of good things! So the bad things come with a lot of good things! And I am sure that is the case with your son as well!
I am also happy that I have suffered myself, because it makes it easier for me to guide him and encourage him to learn how to handle his anxiety and all the other things. And it must be the same for you and your son.
Finally, I just wanted to say that I have thought a lot about what your wrote to me about someone suspecting ED in a teenager. When my son returned from Kansas last summer, his fat percentage was down to 5 % and his kidneys were no longer working properly. He had an exercise addiction and did not eat anything “unhealthy”. Today, his fat percentage is 16 % and he shows no signs of ED anymore. I am so happy he got professional help so fast!
I have thought of you and your son often since reading of your struggles. I am so glad everything is getting better.
Oh I am SO HAPPY to hear this Emma!! You and your son have been in my thoughts ever since you first wrote about him and I am so so relieved to hear is recovering. Thank you so much for the update! So proud of you and your son!
Anybody who goes through so much to co-create a new life…each and every Mom…deserves their own hero parade at Disneyland.
And then someone who remembers exactly ALL of the physical, mental and emotional pain and anguish in precise detail and then does it more than once, is a superhero.
THAT my dear girl says EXCEPTIONAL LOVE of your children LOUD AND CLEAR even BEFORE they are born! You knew the excruciating sacrifice involved and you did it anyway.
You Charlotte, are a superhero (but NO CAPES – Edna Mode;)
And this, “But that deep mother-child bond people talk about so much? Didn’t have it. Not even once.”
Reminds me of a line from THE MUPPET MOVIE (the first and original) when Kermit and Fozzie Bear meet Gonzo and his girlfriend Camilla the Chicken and they ask where Gonzo and Camilla are going and Gonzo replies: “We are going to Bombay India to become big stars!”
To which Kermit states: “You don’t go to Bombay India to become big stars! You go to Hollywood like us!”
Then Gonzo says: “Sure, if you want to do it the EASY way!”
You WERE NOT ABLE TO DO IT THE EASY WAY. Barriers, obstacles made it all extremely difficult.
But you still did it. YOU succeeded!
My Dad lost his left hand before I was born.
My Dad is the one who taught me how to tie my shoes.
He would still play with me, pick me up, play airplane, toss me up a little and catch me when I got bigger, my Dad could do everything.
SO much so that I never noticed his left hand was missing.
Until…
…a friend from school had come to visit and pointedly asked me how my Dad lost his hand.
My puzzled reply: “What are you talking about?”
He looked at me funny and then walked over to ask my Dad.
My Dad told him that he was eating a peanut butter sandwich too fast and forgot to stop, which got my friend laughing long and loud. (the truth was kind of too scary for young children)
The point is: The cause, although helpful, may not be as nearly as important as finding a solution and learning to cope.
My Dad did and does.
And Charlotte, you always have as well.
And this is VALUABLE. A treasure trove of information for your children and life for them will not be as horrific as it was for you.
I mentioned in previous comments about being attacked by a pack of five wolves.
I certainly do not want my children to experience that, but if that ever happened to them or something on the same plane of experience…the biggest lesson I would want them to have is not to lay down and die.
Don’t accept defeat.
Because they are much to precious, their existence too important for them to just give up on themselves.
I’ll pass on the superhero title, cape or no, but I’ll definitely take your dad’s advice! Love this: “The point is: The cause, although helpful, may not be as nearly as important as finding a solution and learning to cope.” Thanks for sharing your story.
Ah, nothing can strip you to your rawest quite like parenting. I am sorry about you worries about your little guy. With my oldest having a disability and being cognitively impaired, I have done my fair share of crying in the closet. The worst being the day he came home crying and telling me that he thought he was the dumbest person in his class and that he hated his brain. I then trot out my God values diversity and if we were all the same this world of ours would be quite boring speech but it always seems inadequate. It sucks and it’s hard to see them struggle.
Could you find an outside activity for him with some like minded nerds where he might find a friend or two? Lego robotics, chess, something of that sort.
Oh heather – my heart hurts for your little guy too! And we’ve tried a few activities with him but so far the only think to stick is skiing… which is awesome but also sucks because that’s like the most expensive and time consuming sport ever lol.
Beautifully put! I have to admit…my daughter is far too much me, only with an even stronger willpower. Why that worries me is that I know the trouble I got into as a teen, often simply to “show my parents.” I have a feeling her teen years will equate to little sleep for me!
Yeah I worry about that whole “me X ten” thing too… yikes.
Hi Charlotte! I am not a fellow blogger, just a long time reader and huge fan of yours! I am not a person who usually leaves comments, but I just HAD to with this one. First of all, I thank you for your amazing blog. By sharing your life and experiences, you are helping SO, SO many of us who are going through the same things (quietly, secretly, by ourselves… until we found your blog, that is!!). I eagerly wake up to read your words and more times than I can count, have felt like your post was written just for me. I am a mommy, wife, friend, professional… trying to navigate my way through this life the very best I can, with brain chemistry that sometimes works against me (sound familiar?).
With that said, I just had to address this post. First of all, your kids are flippin’ awesome!!! I know that you know this, but don’t let anyone, for one second, make you question if the rest of the world doesn’t see what you see in your kids. Your stories convey how smart, unique, inventive, and really just how plain awesome they are. The thing is, when you’re a kid, you are (for crazy, unknown reasons), not supposed to be any different than your peers. I remember calling my friends and asking what they were going to wear that day so that I could wear the same thing. How ridiculous is that?! Kids want their friends to have their same opinions, likes, dislikes, etc. (which is often just the same opinions, likes, dislikes as the “popular” kid that they are trying to emulate). Your son is different. Different in that he is already, at such a young age, his OWN person!! He is not afraid to be different and that shows how beyond his years he really is. What makes him a misfit now will be his biggest asset and strength as he gets older. What attracts adults to other adults (be it as a friend or in a romantic way) is intelligence and someone who is NOT like all the rest. His differences will be what makes him interesting and intriguing to friends and the opposite sex. I absolutely hate that his teacher felt it necessary to point these things out to you as if they are negative traits. I LOVE hearing your stories about the kids, I really feel like you could write a book on the horrifyingly, hilarious things they have say and do and make a lot of money!! Keep your chin up and keep being the proud mama that you are. This season of his life will pass and I guarantee that you will all laugh about this someday. He is cool as heck and he will show the rest of the world what a “nerd” as a kid becomes when they are grown (most likely very wealthy with a beautiful wife).
Aw thank you so much for this Lisa! I’m so grateful you broke your commenting silence – this really means a lot to me! And I do think he’ll grow up to be an amazing, compassionate adult but it’s just hard to watch him go through all the stuff to get there… And I love that you called him “cool as heck”:)
I am feeling a little “verbose” today. *grins*
A concept we do not always grasp as children is that it is better to have no friends than false and/or abusive people to hang with.
My parents taught me that at a young age.
I was also always taught by precept and example and instinctively always knew that family was most important and everybody else was just gravy.
Just gravy…if it is good, but rancid swamp-water if it was not.
Because I ran for miles and miles and worked out at home with weights and was at one point in gymnastics and loved martial arts I was the best athlete in my high school (according tot the coaches/gym teachers) because no on else did these things.
But I was STILL always picked last.
If I was the smartest…nobody cared.
The rules that worked for everybody else to become popular did not help me at all.
But I did not need rancid swamp-water anyway.
I held out for TRUE friends.
I had a couple in public school, none in high school, and multitudes in university.
My entire family are “baby people” including me. And babies know it.
Babies in strollers in malls will spot me approaching and then lean out far to twist around and continue to watch me. And their expressions are like: “I think I know you. Or I should.”
But I come by it honestly. The same thing often happens to my Dad.
Yes to this: “I was also always taught by precept and example and instinctively always knew that family was most important and everybody else was just gravy.” I love that. If I can instill just one thing in my kids I hope it’s this!
Recently my stepson started getting picked on at school. He went into middle school this year and it’s been a hard adjustment from his elementary school where everyone got along with everyone. Some girls were being mean to him and he was really struggling for a while. I was so worried about him having the same school experience that I did. This went on for about 6 months, and then just this last week he told me that things had gotten completely better. He had started instigating conversations with them, and being friendly to them, and the girls had responded in kind.
I was so happy, not only that he had found a way to stop the meanness, but that he had done it in a way that was entirely his own (and much more mature than I could have ever done).
This gives me so much hope! And it’s what my son keeps telling me too – that I should let him handle this himself. Part of me thinks he isn’t capable but then I think if his own mom doesn’t think he can handle himself then he’ll believe that about himself too. Sigh. It’s so hard knowing when to intervene!
I’m so sorry, Charlotte! I don’t know why some kids torture others.
Who was it who said that having a child is like letting your heart walk around outside your body?
Truer words.
So true! And thank you:)
We’ve not had kids so I have missed out on this experience personally, but I have watched a niece who is so very openhearted and sensitive grow up and try to deal with the world. It hurts me to watch sometimes, but I love that she has never lost that side of herself.
I too think children get so much more interesting at about 6 months as they start interacting with the world 🙂
I’m so glad your niece is handling it so well – I too hope my son never loses that tender side of him, no matter how hard the world tries to beat it out of him…
This whole aspect about babies younger than six months not interacting with the world puzzles me.
My experience was that my babies interacted with me while yet in the womb. They would respond to my voice.
They would also respond to Elvis singing, excited by songs from BLUE HAWAII while yet in the womb also.
While in labor with my oldest I told my wife to get tough and growl and push…and I growled, and my babygirl came out growling and grinning and she looked at me and I melted.
All four of my babies came out alert with eyes wide open and breathing on their own and happy when they saw me and heard my voice. And they each in turn melted me.
My oldest was born in October and two youngest in December and they all interacted, noted and reacted to Christmas decorations and Christmas lights and sounds.
And my second oldest was born in July and he reacted to trees and flowers and birds and other sounds as I took him around and shared these things with him.
When they cried at night I would go to them and they would often stop mid cry…
“Wahhhhhhh…oh good its Daddy!”
And they all reacted to my parents and extended family right away, and quickly distinguished between stranger and someone who loved them.
They would interact with my Mom’s necklace and earrings with wide eyed wonder, and all babies adore my Mom, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. And my babies would smile and outright laugh when my Dad made funny faces for them.
All before six months.
With all due respect, a mother’s experience can be quite different than a father’s as you’re not dealing with the extreme hormone crash and physiological changes that come with it;) But I’m glad that yours was so positive! Your mom sounds delightful.
*smiles* My point was not about babies interacting with fathers AS OPPOSED to mothers.
My point was about babies interacting with the world around them before six months.
Actually I was responding to this: “This whole aspect about babies younger than six months not interacting with the world puzzles me.” I was trying to help you un-puzzle:) I believe the previous commenter was speaking to her perception of her baby’s interaction, not a textbook definition. When you’re in the haze of post-partum whatever, it can be easy to miss the little things. I know you didn’t mean it this way but I just don’t want that commenter (or other women struggling) to read your comment and feel guilty that they didn’t have the same experience you did. You had your experience and it sounds truly wonderful and I’m so glad it was that way for you. But that isn’t how it is for everyone and yet we constantly get the message that it should be that way and if it isn’t then we’re a failure as mothers. Like I said, I know you didn’t mean it that way though.
“I believe the previous commenter was speaking to her perception of her baby’s interaction, not a textbook definition. When you’re in the haze of post-partum whatever, it can be easy to miss the little things. I know you didn’t mean it this way but I just don’t want that commenter (or other women struggling) to read your comment and feel guilty that they didn’t have the same experience you did.”
I see what you are saying! And you are correct, I did not mean it that way.
Perhaps knowing I am slow of mind… my children were less than subtle about it. Fours days out of the hospital a home nurse came and had my oldest babygirl on a blanket on her tummy on the table and proceeded to check her hip alignment by raising her legs.
Babygirl did not like being partially elevated and pushed her arms and did a feet elevated pushup.
Didn’t involve me or her Mom. Except to stun both us and the nurse.
So no, I did not mean it that way.
a year ago I got an e-mail from my mother with a TED talk video in it. I’ve watched it and cried in the end.
The woman who gave the talk had struggled with the issue of vulnerability. She hated to feel vulnerable and as a scientist she took the opportunity to research it. She got really in trouble with herself when she found out that the people who felt the most secure were those who dared to be vulnerable. In the end she discovered that those people who dared to be vulnerable were those who had the feeling they deserved to be loved. (This is the point where I cried, I did not feel at that time I deserved to be loved. I have a history of being bullied and some misinterpreted stuff from the bible in my church that gave me that feeling)
The lady finished her talk by talking about parents. How a parent wants to protect their child from harm. That a parent with a baby in their arms often says: you will be wonderful, go to Harvard, be happy, have a nice house etc.
Instead of saying that, she continued, you should say: You are worthy of love, you will have pain, you will know sorrow, things will go wrong, you will make mistakes, but you are fantastic and you are worthy of love. It is the most important thing for a person to know.
(I don’t remember her specific words)
I would not have wanted to be spared all the pain and sorrow in my life, it brought me where I am and I have gotten stronger, wiser, more caring, more compassionate and even happier because of it. Nowadays I know I’m worthy of love, like everyone.
I can only to an extend imagine the pain for a mother to see their kids suffering and it is not my intention to tell you what to do or how you should feel, especially since I don’t have any kids, but I do wish to share the above story with you, maybe it helps.
And I think you are a very loving and caring mother and you are capable of understanding what your kids are going through, that makes you even more capable of helping them.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me Paula! I looked up the TED talk you referenced and it’s this one by Brene Brown right? http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability Beautiful. Thank you for this.
That is exactly it 😀
thank you for finding it, I put it in my favorites.
You’re welcome, I’m glad you like it.
What was the teacher trying to accomplish by sending you that note? Seems like the jerks who are taking advantage of your sweet boy deserve the attitude adjustment.
That said, there are surely other awesome nerd-types who are you son’s age in Colorado. Perhaps there are some clubs he could get into where he could explore his passions? I personally satiated my geeky nature with computers growing up, but this was back when the concept of limiting screen time was nonexistent.
The note was part of a larger assessment of why he’s been struggling at school. I’d asked his teachers for their suggestions. I was still surprised but I asked for it… Hopefully I can figure out a way to help him now that I know. I’m actually not sure what I want his teachers to do. It would be nice if they cultivated an atmosphere where singling kids out and making fun of them isn’t acceptable but I also remember very well what school was like – teachers can only do so much.
oh, that made me feel so sad… tears in my eyes… one part of me is glad the teacher gave you a warning, but what about other kids who are doing this (as other people said)… hugs to him and you. (my mom always called me the one who would protect hte rejected… weird I started doing it in first grade, msut be the emotional part of me)
Thank you! I love that you are a protector:)
Yes, until they could sit up and interact with me face to face without me holding them, I hated motherhood. Fortunately, #2 sat at four months because I’d prop her between my legs while I sat on the floor and played with #1. And now, as one’s a teen and the other still a tween, I am more in love with them than ever. You are right: watching them develop is amazing and awe-inspiring. Laughing with them is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done.
That said, your son will stop trying so hard to make friends once he has one. The anti-bullying programs at school are utter crap. All talk, no follow-up. I complained for SIX YEARS that my son was being bullied on the bus. Not only did they not do anything (this district that brags and wins awards for its anti-bullying program), they put them in the same classes!!! The other kid finally grew out of it and now the two are … well, not buds, but they coexist perfectly. My son says nice things about the former bully.
Part of why the bullying stopped, I think, was that my son found his groove and the bully realized he was only making a jerk of himself. My son stopped caring about the other kid — and the kids who watched it happen but never spoke up. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen until sixth grade, so that doesn’t help your son right now. What might help is if you can help your son feel good about himself. Reinforce the right and wrong ways to be a friend. Have you thought of Scouts at all? That helped my son, especially once he crossed over to Boy Scouts and found a niche there, too. The more my son has fit into the world, the better he’s gotten. He’s a cool kid and the other kids at school and his teachers have grown to adore him.
I agree with you assessment of anti-bullying programs. They are trite and platitudinous and, in my son’s experience, not helpful.
Yes, I can’t say we’ve had any good experiences with the anti-bullying programs. Sigh. I’m so glad that your son was able to work his issues out. That gives me a lot of hope. And yes, actually all my sons are in Scouts.
My middle child, D, was the one I had to worry about with bullying. We always told D’s teachers that he marched to a different drummer, which unfortunately made him a prime target. In elementary and middle schools, there was a group of boys who picked on him constantly. D didn’t like it but I don’t think it bothered him nearly as much as it bothered me. One night, the doorbell rang in the middle of the night. When we got to the front door, there was no one there. But we could see that the front yard had been tp’d. Now, sometimes this is done as a means of including the target. But this was obviously not the case because the bullies had spelled out “LOSER” in the grass with the paper. We went back to bed, intending to clean it up the next day. About five minutes later our older son came and got us and said he saw the bullies in the front yard taking pictures of themselves in front of their handiwork. Since we now knew for sure that theses boys had done it, I had no problems calling one of their mothers the next day and she made sure that they came and cleaned up the yard. I felt better about it but it probably made things worse for D. We have always lived in the southeastern part of the U.S. D went to college in the southeast also, about seven hours away from home. Even at that point in life, his quirkiness made him a target. For graduate school, D went to Stanford. There, he finally found his niche. Out there, they get his quirkiness. They see it as an attribute. He has chosen to stay in the San Francisco area for the foreseeable future. I don’t think D will ever live in the southeast again. I hate that he is so far away, but I am glad he is happy and has found his spot.
Over time, most of us find our spot in the world and learn how to live with who we are. Just keep telling your son how special he is and give him emotional support through the tough times. That really is all we can do as parents. If we do too much, I think the kids pay for it in the end.
I’m so glad that D found his happy place and that you were able to help him do that! Reading his story made me teary – I am so sorry that your whole family had to suffer like that. Thank you for this: “Over time, most of us find our spot in the world and learn how to live with who we are. Just keep telling your son how special he is and give him emotional support through the tough times. That really is all we can do as parents. If we do too much, I think the kids pay for it in the end.” I will try to remember it:)
Oh Charlotte, I’m so sorry. I know you figure out the best thing to do. Good luck!
Thank you Carrie:)
I don’t have children and I don’t have solutions for people I wish I did!! This just reminded me so much of my sister-in-law after each of her children were born. I kept telling my mother and my brother and her mother that something wasn’t right and that my sister-in law needed help. It was like she had been erased after each birth. Well I was poo pooed each time and I accepted that. I wasn’t the expert. A few years ago we had an honest conversation and she talked about how she suffered after each birth, not connecting with her children or anybody else and trying to hide her problem. I should have made more of a stink I realized so we could have gotten her some expert help.
This sentence has been haunting me ever since you wrote it: “It was like she had been erased after each birth.” What a perfect, perfect way to put it. I felt that. Your sis-in-law is lucky to have you in her life – don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t do. I hope she is doing better now!
What a thoughtful post. I love that someone mentioned vulnerability and finding happiness in being yourself. I’ve struggled with 3 different kids now-you’d think I would have learned the first time. I’ve learned I need to show them love and embrace who they are. And embrace who I am:)
I love this so much, Melanie: ” I’ve learned I need to show them love and embrace who they are. And embrace who I am:)” Thank you!
The newborn stage was rough for me each time until they could smile. Before that happens they’re like a very loud, very fragile treasure that you’re not sure you should be in charge of holding.
I felt the overwhelming love straight away with my first son (a 3 hour labor with epidural), not quiiite right away with my second son (an 18 hour/drug-free labor), and quite a long time afterwards with son number three(a 29 hour/ drug-free labor). In fact I worried viscerally, deeply that maybe I wouldn’t love him like the others. But I did after all. It just took awhile. Maybe the severity of the labor process has something to do with it?
As for your son, I actually gasped reading it. We had conferences for my oldest son today and his teacher pointed out the very same thing in him (which we’ve always been aware of). My husband calls him “aggressively friendly”. It makes him such a target for other kids and it used to be that he was oblivious to the other kids making fun of him, but now he’s starting to notice and it’s worse. So much worse. It breaks my heart into teeny tiny bits to think our sweet, friendly, tender-hearted boys get teased for being exactly how they should be. And I, too, do not know what to do because I am immediately mentally whisked back to school getting chairs pulled out from under me and being tripped and laughed at and it is paralyzing. I keep telling myself that I must pass on what I’ve learned to my son to fix this for him. But all I really learned was that kids can be horrible and it will be better “someday”. Not terribly useful advice for a child whose only time frame is the “now”. I would give anything to make him (and your buddy) not experience what I did in school. Please hug your son extra tight tonight for me. You don’t need to tell him some random internet lady wishes him happier days ahead but you can if you want to, from one mom with a sweet, friendly kid to another sweet, friendly kid and his mom.
This: ” Before that happens they’re like a very loud, very fragile treasure that you’re not sure you should be in charge of holding.” YES. And I’m tearing up for your son. And mine. I did give him extra hugs from a random internet lady and he didn’t even blink;) Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me – it means a lot to me. I’m sorry that you understand my feelings so well but grateful that you do!
Aw, I’m sorry about the note. I don’t know anything about parenting, but I know a lot about being an oddball. If it makes you less worried, I was also super nerdy and awkward and could only make about 1 friend at a time. And I grew up into a more or less adjusted adult that is really really awesome.* I think the only thing you can do is to continue being a supportive mom and to give it time. 🙂
*awesome may or may not be an objective evaluation, haha.
Hello everyone, I am a new mother and I am trying to get my three month baby to sleep through the night. At the moment I am lucky to get three hours rest a night. Bless