J (10): I AM SO TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW. I CAN’T MOVE.
S (11): Why did you climb up here then?
J: I had to!
S: No you didn’t.
J: I had to prove I’m a man.
M (7): Well I climbed twice as high as you and I’m two years younger and I’m two times braver so that makes me (counts on fingers) ten times the man you are.
S: Actually that means you are only six times the man J is. Which is why I’m the smart one. I’ll still be alive long after you two kill each other off racing up mountains. I’m the real man here.
(This convo is 12 times funnier if you can hear it in their tinny prepubescent voices!)
Fear is omnipresent in my life. I put on a brave face but the truth is I’m a scaredy cat. I’ve learned to push through that fear most of the time but the feeling of it – the icy fingers around my heart – is still there. So I could totally relate to my terror-stricken second son this weekend when we took them camping at Arches National Park and he had a panic attack at the top of every mountain. His brothers do not share his cautiousness (indeed we nicknamed Son #3 “danger monkey” since he appears to have been born without a fear chip) and as he watched them race up and down narrow paths with precipitous drops, I could see that he envied them their carefree freedom. He forced himself to do it because he thought he had to but he didn’t enjoy it like they did. He was happiest once we were all safely back on the ground. (And where he got that misguided notion that he had to do it to “be a man” I have no idea – we certainly don’t say stuff like that!)
I can’t say I blame him. While I very much enjoyed the other-wordly views from the top (seriously, if you’ve never been, Arches is like going to Mars), I too was much happier once we were all safely back at the bottom.
Those little specks up there? My boys. I swear they had to climb every rock in the entire national park.
I feel like my fear has held me back a lot in life. While it’s true that I am afraid of falling off tall cliffs (and even more afraid of one of my kids falling off tall cliffs), what I’m most afraid of is failure. (Okay what I’m most afraid of is drowning in an underwater cave but thankfully that one is a pretty remote possibility. Although it’s why I’ll never take up scuba diving. And why I can’t watch submarine movies.)
We all made it safe and sound! You can’t tell from this pic but son #2 is hyperventilating and trying not to weep.
Here’s my confession: I kind of feel like a failure as a health writer. This is very uncomfortable for me to write (ironic, coming from the girl who will publicly talk for hours about her poops, her periods and accidentally eating barf) but the truth is that I know all these things – I read all the research, the books, the stories, the blogs – yet I’m still the girl who binges on jelly beans. And worries about losing ten pounds (and then worries about worrying because I should be evolved enough in my self image to not care about a little thigh chub). I mean if anyone should have this whole health/fitness thing figured out by now it should be me, right?? Why don’t I know the secret formula?!
In a recent interview I was asked, “How has your level of fitness changed from before the blog and to now – 7 years later?”
The question kind of threw me at first because ironically I’d say I’m probably at about the same level of fitness as I was when I started! I started this blog with the express purpose of finding out what my body needed to be its healthiest best self and instead I discovered that I’m… still me. Eventually I answered the interviewer, “I went through a phase for about four years where I was “super healthy” but it made me crazy trying to maintain that so now I just settle for happy and healthy.”
I’m not Super Woman after all. Does that make me a failure?
I know that in some people’s eyes it does. This was summed up in one man’s reaction when I told him what I do for a living. He looked me up and down and then said, “Well if you’re a fitness expert, how come you don’t have the perfect body?”
In hindsight I should have said, “Because there’s no such thing as the perfect body.” (Or maybe I should have spilled my drink on him and walked away.)
In reality what I said was, “I’m not an expert, I’m just a girl trying to figure it out like everyone else.”
We’re sold this idea that perfection is attainable and weakness is not to be tolerated. Yet the more I watch my children try things and fail (because what is childhood if not a series of trial and error?), the more I want them to learn to treasure their failures because they teach us. Not only do they teach us how not to do whatever we’re doing but they teach us humility, compassion, perseverance, gratitude, forgiveness and empathy. And I’ve learned all that and more in trying and “failing” at my fitness journey. So what if I’m physically right back about where I started? Mentally and spiritually I’ve come so so far! Plus I am happier – and that’s never a failure.
Like Jelly Bean’s first attempt to learn how to climb trees. She just couldn’t figure out why this method wasn’t working!
“Failing” is a funny thing. People like to say “failure is not an option” but the reality of the human experience is that not only is it always an option, it’s an inevitability. We will all fail eventually – which is probably a good thing. We learn nothing from perfection. But I think the trick is in remembering that we’re no more of a failure than anyone else. Our failings don’t make us worse, they just make us human.
My son’s little legs just dangling there – cracks me up! He looks like a Muppet. And look – Jelly Bean’s gotten a lot better at climbing trees in two years!
“Striving to better, oft we mar what’s well.” – Albany KING LEAR
Then there is the one about the self-made man that quit work too early.
No one is so perfect they don’t have room for improvement, and yet perfection is not going to happen this year, but there is opportunity to add to our measure of capability no matter how small.
Oscar Wilde once said: “This morning I took out a comma and this afternoon I put it back in again.”
Sometimes improvement is all just that incremental.
Perhaps the improvement comes from increasing our enjoyment in what we do in everyday life.
I remember each of my children from when they were born and the days and weeks and months and years of discovery.
How EVERYTHING was just SOOOO fascinating.
And I was fascinated watching them being fascinated…right there with them…understanding the wonder and awe of life and the world and their expanding experiences in it.
And the whole “I can do it myself!” with determination and joy of the learning and trying and trying some more….and doing.
Each day finding a new Everest to climb and then climbing it.
Life as an adventure with breathtaking beauty all around.
And sometimes that means letting go of fear that can rob your mind of acting and reasoning. Letting go of fear that can bar your way to both sweet experience and contentment.
Letting go of the fear that stops you from having joy.
Taking that leap of faith that you ARE allowed happiness.
(Of course, taking this advice from me, you need to forget that I myself avoid dating and the happiness and bliss of a loving relationship for fear of being hurt. But the LOGIC is still sound.
For someone who is less of a wuss.)
There have been times in my life when failure was NOT an option, assuming I wanted to avoid death for myself or someone else.
But 99% of the time it is a happy option. Because it is on the path to learning.
If I only tried things I was already perfect at, there would be very little I would ever attempt beyond tying my shoes.
Movies you should not watch: The Abyss. Conan the Destroyer. Das Boot.
Buwhahahah! Duly noted.
If children worried about failure, they’d never learn to walk. I remember as a kid trying to master something and spending days at it, never thinking about failure, only believing that if I kept at it long enough, I would succeed. We seem to lose this attitude somewhere along the way to adulthood. Life would have few challenges if we were successful at everything the first time. Besides, failure teaches us stuff and builds character. Also, I think most of us are afraid–we just don’t admit it. Sometimes just getting through the day takes a lot of courage.
Children really are the best examples, right? And this: “Sometimes just getting through the day takes a lot of courage.” TRUTH.
Pffft. You’re not a failure. You said it yourself: you’re just trying to figure it out like everyone else.
The difference is that you’re brave enough to admit you don’t know it all. And that, my dear, is a special kind of person, one worthy of love and respect.
Love, hugs, and devout hopes that you guys didn’t tromp all over the living soil and kill it. ’cause, you know, I’m this closet worrier about the environment, especially in Arches. If you were able to get quiet enough, you can hear its ancient voice. 😉
Aw thank you for this: “The difference is that you’re brave enough to admit you don’t know it all.” it means a lot to me! And no, we were SUPER careful to keep our kids on the trails so we wouldn’t wreck the biological soil crust!
Hmmm…. In addition to what others have said, remember that you are a fitness WRITER, not a fitness MODEL. They are not the same thing! Your job is not to look perfect – your job is to write pieces that people want to read. Your job is to take what you know and share it with us in a way that is engaging and inspiring. And at that, you are a huge success in my opinion! Even in this post.
There are many subtle (and not so subtle) lies we are told via the fitness industry, but one of them that I haven’t seen discussed very much is we are told that information and technology are what will really make a difference in our fitness. The truth is that everyone already knows how to get fit, and we all had as much information as we needed in, oh, say, the 1970’s. Move more, do cardio and weights. Eat healthy, which means a variety of real food, not processed. If you are overweight, eat a bit less. That’s really all the information anyone needs to get fit when it comes down to it. And almost everyone already knows all of this!
So… Why are so many of us overweight, out of shape, unhappy with our bodies, and (fruitlessly) searching for more information? Because that’s not what makes the difference. What makes the difference is our willingness to take this on. Our human side, our spiritual side, either feeling like doing it or deciding to do it anyway. And a big part of that is learning to forgive ourselves, to realize we aren’t perfect, there is nowhere we are trying to go. It is a journey of life, just like every other.
You are the only “fitness writer” whose articles I can’t wait to read. The only one that makes me laugh and feel less alone in my struggles. The one who had the guts to put pictures of your tummy in your book and show for realz what you look like.
As you know, anyone who starves themselves and works out obsessively can attain “the perfect body.” But you are one of the few who has the guts to go against the grain and ask if the cost is worth it. Many of your readers likely ask themselves the same thing, and I know I was relieved to know that I am not the only one.
As far as I am concerned, based on these few things alone, you are a success. I feel so blessed to be able to read what you write, and at the end of the day, isn’t that the measure of a good writer?
I cannot thank you enough for this comment Monica – it means the world to me! You also gave me a lot to think about. I’ll be pondering this: “There are many subtle (and not so subtle) lies we are told via the fitness industry, but one of them that I haven’t seen discussed very much is we are told that information and technology are what will really make a difference in our fitness.” for a long time! Thank you thank you thank you:)
BTW, you have to be specially certified to do cave dives – I’m around dive #20 for the last year, and I’m nowhere close to going anywhere near wrecks and caves. Nice open water for me, thanks!
I also think everyone’s version of success is different. I think finding the balance between healthy as possible and happy as possible is a great version of success. Also, failing teaches you WAY MORE than just getting it right the first time. 🙂
You’re a diver too?? Is there anything you can’t do, lady? You are awesome.
I’m a big fan and I love that you put your vulnerability out there. FWIW, I think your writing is fantastic and the subject matter always matches. I think the healthy living blogger arena is a rather skewed place in which to measure success; we’re not always seeing the whole story. Nor is what’s being presented as healthy actually that. It is often excess. So you keep on keeping on with your balanced and honest self!
Thank you so much! And for this reminder: “I think the healthy living blogger arena is a rather skewed place in which to measure success; we’re not always seeing the whole story. ” Truth.
For what it’s worth, it seems to me that you have become so much more balanced now. You have found the life/health/REALness that is lacking is many people out in the fitness realm. Striving for uber top performance is a fun goal for a time, but it’s no way to live…not when there is so much of life to enjoy. Having to step back from fitness just to get well has really made me realise that it’s the journey and the joys in it that are what I need. (Yeah chiseled abs are cool too, but hey…they’re just not as worth beating myself up for anymore…)
To be healthy happy and able to hike around the Arches with your family and enjoy every minute with them? THAT is what this is all for. I love that you are just you with all it brings…lets us all know we’re chugging along fine too with you 🙂
Isn’t that desert gorgeous? 🙂
Thank you! You are one of the few who’ve been with me since the very beginning of my journey so your assessment means a lot to me! This: ” Having to step back from fitness just to get well has really made me realise that it’s the journey and the joys in it that are what I need. ” made me smile and smile:) Love you too!!
Just have to chime in – you are so NOT a failure as a writer. Your writing is fun, easy to read and always touches on something meaningful. I can’t say that about too many blogs I come across. Health is about SO much more than what your body looks like. It seems to me you have made enormous strides in coming to terms with what fitness and body awareness ultimately means to you, and then sharing that with your readers, as opposed to what we’re incessantly told fitness should be about, which always makes us end up feeling like failures because it’s unattainable by the average working stiff/mom. That will nudge people towards health, IMHO, and isn’t that what you’re aiming for here?
Keep up the excellent writing, carry on your journey, and I’ll keep coming back for more laughs and inspiration!
Ah thank you Mary!! You are so sweet! And yes, health is exactly what I’m aiming for!
Oh I forgot, while we’re on the subject of movies – you know my ultimate role model? The girl creature/girlfriend in Avatar. I would love to be able to move around in nature like that. Plus it would be cool to have sparkly blue skin. 🙂
Ha – she is amazing!! She moved like water.
Hardly a failure! As the old Army ads used to say, you do more before 9 AM than most people do in a whole day!
Except you do it with humor, grace, pathos, and a ton of empathy.
I am also afraid all the time. It makes life harder, but also contributes to our understanding of others, I believe.
Haha thank you Alyssa! I love this: “It makes life harder, but also contributes to our understanding of others, I believe.”
One person’s failure may be another person’s success. Think of all the incredible discoveries which have come about as the result of a failure. If you never fail, you will never succeed.
That park looks amazing, though I’d probably be just like your son and be terrified… haha.
And that man? You should have probably spilled his drink on him (but only if your kids weren’t looking!). I actually don’t understand what he meant–I see you doing amazing athletic things on your blog and think you’re absolutely inspirational. And you’re a great writer, to boot.
Thank you Rosa!
You are healthier, honey.
You have grown, developed, and changed for the better, since I started reading your blog…six years ago?
I am always happy to send friends your way, because I know that they will find a writer and fitness guru who is full of compassion, humour, and grace instead of a berating, muscle-bound, diet Nazi.
You are incredible, and you make people feel welcome. Good job.
Ah thank you Beck!! That means so so much to me from you. Truly.
A few weeks ago I went to a math training (I teach a 4/5 combo and we’re in the process of switching to Common Core), the instructor told us that we need to teach our students that “errors are gifts”. We learn from our mistakes, and it teaches us to persevere. For so long we’ve trained our students that the end result, the correct answer, is the ultimate goal. Now we are teaching them that the process and the “why” is just as important as the “how” and the outcome. And shouldn’t health and fitness, and life, be the same? For so long I was only concerned with the outcome, the result… The perfect body… Then I would be happy. But that day never came. But I’m not a failure, and neither are you! I read (and recommend) your blog because you advocate for the process, not an end result. Because really, what do you do when you achieve the “perfect body”? And what exactly is perfect? My dad always said to me “Practice doesn’t make you perfect, it makes you better.” I don’t think you’ve “failed” at anything, I think you are wonderfully amazing… And I love every word you write! Keep up the good work, and continue sharing your “process” with us!
Thank you so much!! I’ve said it before but your students are so blessed to have you! And I love this: “Now we are teaching them that the process and the “why” is just as important as the “how” and the outcome. And shouldn’t health and fitness, and life, be the same? For so long I was only concerned with the outcome, the result… The perfect body… Then I would be happy. But that day never came. But I’m not a failure, and neither are you! ” Beautifully said.
SO many rebloggable, tweetable quotes in this piece. So much inspiration! You have it right, failure is how we grow- I tell my students that often. We have to fail to learn (I am an art teacher).
Social media gives us the false impression that some people are doing it “right”, that some people do have perfect bodies, but that is really a mirage. No one, indeed, is perfect. We just do the best that we can, or not, depending on the day.
Keep up the really good work! I look forward to reading your blog every night. thanks!
Thank you Deb! This means a lot to me!
I’m reminded of the saying that if you’re feeling depressed, first check that you aren’t surrounded by jerks. This guy probably induces eating disorders in everyone he meets. I think it’s crazy that anyone would ever tell a woman who is fit and not overweight that her body is not perfect. Period. Even if you were plus-sized, that would be the wrong thing to say. But it’s even more ridiculous that you’re not even close.
“I’m reminded of the saying that if you’re feeling depressed, first check that you aren’t surrounded by jerks.” Ha I love it! And thank you:)
Yes, to fail is to be human & I guess I am good at being human!!! 😉 Failure has held me back though – fear of it…
I think I posted my comment mid-word. Perhaps I will learn and grow from this comment-posting failure?
But what I really wanted to say is that I think we might be the same person in alternate universes. I have three girls, and daughter number two is very cautious and unlikely to engage in any risk-taking behavior. My #3 was also born without a fear chip. Add to that that I also have a huge fear of underwater caves and no desire to ever, ever go scuba diving, and the fact that we were born 6 days apart, same year, and I find myself marveling at the similarities. Weird. How about crossing bridges? Does that freak you out, too?
Bridges are okay. I don’t love them but as long as they’re not swaying in the breeze I don’t freak;) Your girls sound adorable – kids teach us so much about ourselves, right??
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I want to smack the man who asked why you didn’t have a perfect body…. {mad face}