Dear Kirstie Alley,
I got your press release about how you’re going back to your first diet love, Jenny Craig. (I really appreciated the personal touch of including the pictures of all your diet products. Apparently JC will now be carrying your line of diet drinks in their stores so, um, way to play it from both sides?) I wish I could say that I’m happy for you but watching you publicly yo-yo your weight up and down for years is starting to make me deeply uncomfortable. Not because your weight is fluctuating – that’s a totally normal part of the human experience – but because of how uncomfortable it seems to make you.
Take this statement you made in a recent interview in People where you explained the reason for your returning to Jenny Craig, after a 7-year hiatus: “I was good for awhile and then I wasn’t good, and the weight crept up. Like I say in the ad, I’m not circus fat. I didn’t hugely screw up. I didn’t gain 75. I gained 30.”
Whoa, girl. You’re good! You are. I don’t know you personally and may be the only person on the planet to have never seen an episode of Cheers but I think I can state definitively that when it comes to being a human being, you’re doing just fine and that has nothing to do with what you weigh or what you ate.
Second, I’ve worked out with quite a few circus folk and I can tell you that they are remarkably strong and fit regardless of their size. After watching my not-Hollywood-sized teacher dangle by one leg entwined in a piece of silk 80 feet up in the air, all I can say is if that’s circus fat then sign me up! But of course you didn’t mean that kind of circus fat. You’re talking about the poor woman who sat on a chair in the sideshow of turn-of-the-century circuses. You mean this:
I’d like to introduce you to Celesta Geyer (a.k.a. Dolly Dimples) who was considered to be the premier “fat lady” of her day. You shouldn’t be so quick to judge her, especially as you two both make a living based entirely on your ability to gain weight and lose it. Frankly you kind of are the Dolly Dimples of our day and not because of what you weigh. She was “The World’s Most Beautiful Fat Lady” in the Barnum and Bailey circus. You had a show called “Fat Actress” (which I’ve also never seen). You’re both seasoned show-women who use their weight as their celebrity. And of course there’s the weight-loss gig — at 40, she lost 440 pounds in one year (I swear I did not make that up) — and, like you, wrote a diet plan about how she did it and made a living selling it to the public.
Okay so her promo pics aren’t as cool as yours.
But this is what I really want you to know about Celesta/Dolly: By all accounts, while she was sad as an overweight child (she was relentlessly taunted), as an adult she managed to make a very happy life for herself both as the world’s fattest lady and as one of the world’s slimmest. But this is my favorite part: her husband Frank loved her devotedly through both thick and thin – literally. I tell you this Kirstie, to point out two things that can be as true for you as they were for her: You can be happy regardless of your weight. And those who love you will love you no matter what you weigh.
You don’t have to lose weight to be “good enough.” But, that said, if you want to lose weight then good for you – I’m not going to tell you what to do with your body (or your endorsement deals – mama’s got a mortgage!). I hope this old-new Jenny Craig deal goes great. I hope you get what you need as much as what you want. I hope you find a way to exercise and eat heathfully that makes you as happy as Miss Dolly.
I would only offer one piece of advice: Drop the fat shaming.
Seriously, if a picture tells a thousand words, this one is an entire term paper for Women’s Studies 101.
Despite what shows like The Biggest Loser contend, shaming people – no matter how politely or well-intended you do it! – is not an effective weight loss tool. And yet books, talk shows, diet gurus and more magazine articles than I care to count advocate shaming your loved ones, friends, perfect strangers and even yourself into losing the extra poundage. And these days the more public the self-flagellation, the greater the absolution, right? (It’s not legit weight loss until you’ve got a magazine cover in a bikini!) It’s gotten so bad that one ethics professor, Daniel Callahan, published an editorial detailing his three-pronged approach to curing obesity – one of which was “increased social pressure on the overweight”, a tactic he likened to the campaign against smoking.
But fat shaming – whether we do it to others or ourselves – has one huge downfall: people are only temporarily motivated by negative consequences. Psychologists have long known that while punishment can bring about quick change, it isn’t often lasting change. And in the world of health and weight loss, lasting change is the only thing that matters. In fact, riding the weight roller coaster is actually worse for you than just staying heavy. If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement – most powerfully in the form of love – is the only thing that makes sense. How do I know this? Because science.
A study published in PLoS one showed that people who felt they were being shamed about their weight not only didn’t lose weight but ended up gaining more weight than their similarly sized peers who didn’t feel shamed. The researchers looked at 6,157 Americans over four years and found that people who experienced discrimination due to their weight were 2.5 times more likely to be obese by the end of the study (or 3 times more likely to stay obese) than their non-shamed peers.
Fat people (just like infant people and sick people and disabled people and cranky-on-airplanes people) are people first. For some reason, especially when it comes to weight and appearance, we seem to focus on the adjective before the personhood. This is evidenced by the multitudes of letters to various advice columnists asking some incarnation of “I’m not attracted to my significant other anymore because they’ve turned into a fat cow so how do I make them lose weight?” I hate these kinds of letters because they reduce a person – a person that you once loved enough to make some level of commitment to – to one single attribute. I’m not saying that it isn’t okay or even loving to want a loved one to lose weight for their health and happiness and I’m not saying that it isn’t normal to have your attraction wane as physical appearance changes. But that isn’t the end of the story – it’s the beginning.
Like any elderly couple can tell you, everyone loses their youthful beauty through some combination of illness, age and life circumstance (yes, even the Hollywood botox queens) so if that is all your love is based on, then it was never love in the first place. “But what if she dies young from being so overweight?” a concerned friend once asked me about his beloved and overweight spouse. “What if she dies thin, thinking your love is conditional?” was my reply.
Let me be clear, I’m not blaming you. In a world wallpapered with tabloids and paparazzi hiding in the bushes, I’d want to look perfect all the time too. I just want better for you. And while I’m being totally honest here, I’ll admit that I’m telling myself this as much as I’m telling you. I too have bought into the idea that to be loved one has to be thin and beautiful. But the truth is, you are beautiful when you are loved.
In the end you’re a businesswoman, Kirstie. And perhaps all of this is just one more way to hock product by playing on our insecurities. But either way you need to know your words have meaning. Don’t shame yourself. Don’t shame us either. (What about all the women reading your words who are bigger than you? Are you calling them freaks?) And while I’m at it, don’t shame circus people either. Fat shaming doesn’t work.
Love,
Charlotte
Daniel Callahan is way off comparing “fat shaming” to the campaign against smoking.
Smoking negatively affects the health of everybody else within range. My asthma developed from being around smokers, people have developed cancer from second-hand smoke.
So there is legitimate guilt to be bandied about. Shame even.
Being overweight only affects the health of the overweight person.
Which means it is all up to them.
“I love you. I am concerned about the whole ‘bad health-death thing’ in regards to you. How do you think I can help? IF you even want me to? Did I mention I love you? I am here always. Let me know if you ever need me in this.” – has gotten a positive response. It has also gotten a delayed response. When they were ready.
It not at all something another person can “control” for an overweight person.
Someone I love dearly has lived her life overweight, smoking and drinking and gotten asthma, had heart attacks, and now has cancer and they cannot give her chemo or radiation treatment because her damaged heart will not take it and they basically sent her home to die.
It tears my heart out.
But…
I have always loved her, and let her know she is loved.
And that is what I shall do now.
Smokers are also people, and shaming them is just as inhuman as fat shaming. An saying that overweight people are only responsible for their own health is not exactly fair, given that overweight parents damage their children’s health by feeding them junk food/too much food, and also simply by their bad example – just as smokers damage their children’s health if they smoke around them.
As for adults, they make their own decisions: if you don’t want to eat unhealthy food, you just don’t. If you don’t want to be around smokers, you just avoid them. As far as I know, all public buildings, bars, restaurants, pubs are smoke-free in the USA and many other countries of the world, so the chances of an adult being forced to be around a smoker are close to zero.
I disagree that “overweight parents damage their children’s health by feeding them junk food/too much food” is grossly unfair on more than one level: assuming that overweight people eat too much and too much junk food (several studies have challenged this assumption) and even if that is the root cause of a particular person’s weight problem, assuming that they would automatically feed their children too much and too much junk is also unfair. Sometimes you know you have a problem (with chips or chocolate or ice cream) and it is either hard to stop eating that particular food once you start, or hard to say no to at all. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t aware and struggling to overcome that problem. And it also doesn’t mean that you are heaping those foods on your children’s plates. I’m not saying that is true in some cases, and I have witnessed it myself, but I think it’s a pretty unfair generalization.
Perhaps I am showing my age, but it also wasn’t that long ago that smoking was allowed in restaurants and on planes so it wasn’t nearly as easy to avoid then as it is now.
And yes Holly!
“Perhaps I am showing my age, but it also wasn’t that long ago that smoking was allowed in restaurants and on planes so it wasn’t nearly as easy to avoid then as it is now.”
Very true!
And also this: “assuming that overweight people eat too much and too much junk food (several studies have challenged this assumption) and even if that is the root cause of a particular person’s weight problem, assuming that they would automatically feed their children too much and too much junk is also unfair.”
Also true!
To quote you: “Smokers are also people, and shaming them is just as inhuman as fat shaming.”
And to quote you again: “If you don’t want to be around smokers, you just avoid them.”
I find it curious that you do not recognize the fact that ostracizing is ALSO inhuman.
Do you honestly feel it is not inhuman “to exclude, by general consent, from society, friendship, conversation, privileges, etc”?
You feel it is more loving to “banish” smokers from hearth and home?
Or stop visiting people you love because they smoke?
The person I mentioned now dying from untreatable cancer because of her long standing and ongoing unwise health choices, by your logic, should now be abandoned in her darkest hour?
Because she still smokes?
Because then I also would have missed decades (since she was a teenager) of her life by “just avoiding” her…ostracising here…because she was a smoker…as per your logic.
And her weight gain DID NOT start because of her parents damaging her health by feeding her junk food/too much food, OR by their bad example.
So that was an inaccurate assumption on your part.
As Charlotte stated: “If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement – most powerfully in the form of love – is the only thing that makes sense.”
You cannot do that if you are NEVER around them. If you ostracize them. If you exclude them.
But that also means that smokers need to be made aware of the negative health effects on others and also learn to be not only cognisant but also considerate as in your example of smokers damaging their children’s health if they smoke around them.
And the health of their other family and loved ones.
I have never given even a hint of advocacy for her smoking. Nor did I ever condone it.
But I never ostracised her.
Nor did I ever stop loving her.
And I am so glad of that on both counts as she is about to die.
I am one of the aforementioned overweight people you say who is doing “damage their children’s health by feeding them junk food/too much food, and also simply by their bad example”. This is a grossly inaccurate and insulting assumption. If anything, I go out of my way to feed my child very healthy foods, with a few fun treats in reasonable amounts, so he is healthy and does not end up overweight like myself.
Why? Because people like you are out there making wild assumptions about not only my eating and exercise habits, but evidently my parenting skills (and probably work skills, ethics, motivation, drive, and so on), based largely on my weight/appearance and I don’t want him to suffer the same judgement I have.
Hmm. Have you already heard about the craze going on in UK where folks take pictures of women who eat in public and then post them in a FB group? It supposedly doesn’t have anything to do with fat shaming but I have my own doubts..
This is HORRIBLE!
Yo-yo weight loss/gain of so many pounds is A) not normal, and, B) widely agreed to be worse for one’s health than remaining overweight. Alley clearly cannot commit to a lifestyle chain so she goes for quick fix packaged meal plans and hiring slavedriver trainers (and, yes, probably takes diet pills and laxatives and does every other unhealthy WL trick in the book) so she can have dramatic “before and afters.” Why is it incorrect or wrong for a person who is obviously overweight to describe themselves as such? She IS fat. Most Americans ARE fat. It’s an adjective. It’s accurate. If anything, she’s being kind to herself, as she has certainly regained more than 30 pounds. She’s a C-list has-been desperately trying to keep her name in the news…why glorify her with any attention?
*lifestyle CHANGE; 5:45 not a good time to rant.
am I jaded?
cynical?
when I was hit up for quotes on this by a few places all I could think was PRESS.
SHE WANTED PRESS.
KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING.
SHES WON.
WE’RE TALKING
Celebrities going on public diets (like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers) is the new sideshow.
It’s really not much different than Dolly Dimples fetishisizing her size back in the day. And Dolly was selling fat shaming just like Kirstie is selling it now. Dolly Dimples may have been billed as “the most beautiful fat woman” but we all know folks weren’t coming to see her beauty. They were coming to be shocked and horrified by how fat she was (shaming her). No different than folks looking at Kirstie and thinking “yeah, she needs that Jenny Craig”.
Doesn’t make it “right” but I think it’s a bit off to praise Dolly Dimples as if she was some kind of fat activist when she’s really no different than Kirstie (especially when Dolly then went on to hock a weight loss system herself). In fact, I’d almost argue that Kirstie is “better” than Dolly because she’s not trying to be “hollywood thin” when it’s all over. She’s looking to lose 30 lbs which won’t get her back into the skinny pants of her youth by any stretch. She’ll just look like a regular sized (12 or 14 pants?) everyday woman. The “real” women we’re all supposed to be so thrilled to see on t.v., right?
What irks me more than any accusations of “fat shaming” by Kirstie is her hocking some energy drink along with shilling for Jenny Craig. While I’m no fan of Jenny Craig style pay to lose diet systems, Kirstie taking on some drink that may or may not be safe for consumers makes her look all the world like a predator, attacking people just like her (overweight folks).
I don’t have the same view on Kristie Alley and shaming. I think she is selling a product with the words that will make the most sales. We don’t have any laws against manipulative sales practices so it is going to happen. Our only defense is to point out the manipulation when we see it. Who knows what she actually thinks.
I did like explanation of reducing a person down to one single attribute, their size. I am obese and I am often made to feel like that is the sum total of who I am by others. It is hard to feel you can never be seen as smart or witty or hard working or generous by some people because all they see is fat and they can’t get past that. It is particularly hard when these people have know you for years and seem surprised every time you demonstrate something outside their perceived character of a fat person.
Unfortunately, due to all of the press on dieting recently, I think we also have started a trend towards “diet shaming”. You even see it a bit in the comments here- the commenter who mentioned that the problem was that Kirstie couldn’t commit to a “lifestyle change”. Dieting has become almost a bad word. But here’s the thing- we still put INSANE pressure on women to be skinny and beautiful. So yeah, diets maybe don’t work, but in that case, “lifestyle changes” won’t work either. And I have trouble blaming any woman who wants to go on a diet. We have this weird double standard where women have to look beautiful all the time, but god forbid that they are on a diet or eating the way they do specifically to lose weight/stay skinny. Because that’s just superficial. Supermodels still have to be incredibly skinny- but God forbid they admit to unhealthy eating patterns, or say the word diet! It’s the stereotype of the woman can go out and eat hamburgers and fries with the guys without giving it a second thought, but never gains a pound. Some women are like that, but some aren’t. So don’t make fun of or shame the woman who eats a salad.
I think both fat shaming and shaming people for caring about what they eat (salad comment above) are things commenters and Charlotte are very aware of, but it also seems that the community focused on healthy living can sometimes be blind to the other ways in which we shame women. Lifestyle change has been the catchphrase, and anyone who “diets” is either taking the easy way out, superficial, or unhealthy by virtue of following a diet.
Very interesting piece, Charlotte. When I found out that Kirstie was going to sign on again to Jenny Craig, I was actually happy because I thought that this will make it so easy to spark conversations about the failure of diets. I mean, to me, we can use her example didactically–do you want to spend your life toiling like Sisyphus to be skinny, using your time on this Earth to continually push a boulder up a mountain only for it to always come back down and bowl you over? Or, would you rather just give up the dream/nightmare of skinny and dream bigger?
Your phrasing above is telling though of some inherent bias, which, I thought interesting to point out. You write, “Fat people (just like infant people and sick people and disabled people and cranky-on-airplanes people) are people first.” What does that mean? You are clearly against fat-shaming, but this analogy is very patronizing. You wouldn’t compare someone with brown hair to a disabled person or a sick person.
We should all strive toward seeing “fat” as a neutral physical descriptor, just like “short,” “tall,” “blue-eyed,” etc.
I think Kirstie has a great opportunity to do something wonderful for the world with her fame and she’s wasting it on something that is not only harmful, but it’s also just plain tired and boring. Another celebrity diet crusader? Been there, done that. Kirstie could still be a great businesswoman without selling body hate. She could instead, for example, write a book about how she’s giving up dieting. She could work with Evelyn Tribole or Dr. Rick Kausman to learn about and promote intuitive eating. She could align with socially-conscious food companies that are working to improve the politics around our food.
Kirstie, you have such a HUGE opportunity to change the world–don’t waste it!
This is connected to yesterday’s post: The way to market oneself or one’s product is with snark. Ms Alley is a woman in her 60’s trying to look the way she did when she was 30. She’s still young, but she has spent SO MANY YEARS competing with her youngER self, and that’s sad. It’s also what our culture, and Hollywood in particular, does to women. And Nicole makes a good point: If you are a woman, you’re darned if you do, darned if you don’t. If we eat healthy and exercise, we’re narcissistic. If we slip up, we’re lazy and weak. If we’re anything less than picture-perfect at all times, we’ve “let ourselves go.” But a beautiful woman who meets all the societal criteria? Oh, she must have had “work done.”
We can’t win.
60 years ago women were supposed to have a clean home, perfect children, and a happy husband, and to do it all in pearls and heels, with a big smile. Nowadays our homes can be messy and out kids less-than-perfect, but our bodies have become public property, held up for scrutiny by anyone with a camera phone ans internet access.
Sad.
AMEN. So well put I almost stood up right here in my living room and applauded. However, I maintain that we are still expected to have the perfect home, children and husband, work at a fulfilling career AND effortlessly look like a model. I get caught up in the hype periodically and feel like I’m failing in all quarters. It’s insane the pressure put on women to be ‘just so’.
I dont’ think it’s fat shaming to call yourself fat if you *are* fat. It’s not a bad word. It’s a word to describe your physical body. Nothing more.
But honestly – I’m cynica; but I think this is a ploy on her part for publicity for Jenny Craig, herself and her new diet drinks.
“‘But what if she dies young from being so overweight?’ a concerned friend once asked me about his beloved and overweight spouse. ‘What if she dies thin, thinking your love is conditional?’ was my reply.”
Now THAT is a great response.
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