Can you see the person in this pic? Liu Bolin is an artist who specializes in hiding in plain sight.
Hair extensions, colored contacts, spray tans, cosmetic surgery, tooth veneers, the finale of How I Met Your Mother – in a world that’s increasingly fake it seems like more and more people are seeking out authenticity. Even if the real deal isn’t as “pretty” as the fakery. We’ve seen this recently with the #nomakeupselfie trend, fashion’s embrace of “normcore” as the new It Thing and more and more celebs peeling back the curtain on what they really look like without their glam squad.
Actress Emma Watson recently posted a red-carpet-ready snap with the caption “I do NOT wake up like this.”
Singer Lorde just tweeted before-and-after selfies from the stage, commenting, “I find this curious – two photos from today, one edited so my skin is perfect and one real. Remember flaws are ok.”
And everygirl Mindy Kaling did one of the best interviews ever, telling Jimmy Fallon, “I’m always trying to lose 15 pounds but I don’t ever want to be skinny.” She then added, “People are like, ‘It’s so nice that Mindy Kaling doesn’t feel like she needs to subscribe to the ideals of beauty that other people do.’ And, I’m like, ‘I do subscribe!’…By the way, I run and work out. It takes a lot of effort to look like a normal/chubby woman.”
All of these are examples of ways people are trying to get others to look past the obvious physicality and see them for who they really are – their soul, if you will. Which is a feeling I can totally relate to and I imagine you can too. Having people really, truly see us is, I think, one of the greatest needs of being human. How many times have you wanted to run after someone and be like, “I swear that’s not what I meant! I’m not like that! That’s not the real me!”?
But what really got me thinking about how we hide the outer to show the inner, were these provoking videos posted by Dermablend. For those of you not familiar with all things cosmetic, Dermablend started out (and is still best known) as a makeup that could provide perfect, impermeable coverage. This allowed people to hide large birth marks, embarrassing tattoos, scars they felt were unsightly, beard stubble on drag queens, acne scarring and a myriad of other “flaws.”
I’ll admit that when I first heard about it years ago, I thought it was sad that society was such that these people were forced to hide something that was an unchangeable part of them to fit into our conventional beauty mold. But then I watched these stories. Far from being the makeup ad I was expecting, these “camo confessions” presented a very real, raw and vulnerable portrait. (Seriously, watch these. Each one is so amazing.)
Cassandra’s story:
Cherie’s Story:
Rico’s story (definitely the most surprising one!):
The takeaway message was that each of these people, in their own way, chose to hide aspects of their body in order to help people really see them for who they are – the exact opposite of the bare-everything zeitgeist.
Now, I’m not saying that I think everyone should use Dermablend or hide their “flaws” – to me, these ads were really not about the makeup or the underlying issue at all. They were all about how we teach people to see us. All of us have so many different facets and to be truly seen is as terrifying as it is comforting. Which is why we probably only reveal ourselves to a few close intimates in our lives. And so most of the time, we’re choosing a carefully cultivated side of the “real” us to show.
One of the main criticisms of the #nomakeup selfie and Normcore trends is that people are pretending to not care about the superficial stuff while still working very hard to look as good as they would without it, essentially upping the ante from “I’m a gorgeous supermodel” to “I’m still a gorgeous supermodel even without makeup, suckas!” Even I did this: found the most flattering lighting, arranged my hair, turned my best side to the camera, posed so the bump in my nose isn’t as obvious, pressed my lips together to give them a bit of color etc, etc, etc.
Why? Because even when we don’t care what people think of us we still care what people think of us.
And even though most people would rather say they paid full price for Miley Cyrus tickets than admit they care what others think, this isn’t necessarily a bad trait. People who don’t care at all about others’ perceptions are psychopaths. And people who care too much are The Real of Housewives of Wherever. Obviously the best spot is somewhere in the middle.
This got me thinking about other ways people hide their bodies besides no-makeup/makeup:
– Weight gain or weight loss. Dropping or gaining pounds can be a powerful insulation from cruel comments or harsher abuses of our bodies. I’ve interviewed more than one eating disorder sufferer who traced back the beginnings of their illness to sexual abuse, bullying, or verbal assaults. And the funny thing is, it doesn’t matter whether they were binge eaters or anorexics — the end goal was the same: to transform their bodies into something so impenetrable that no one could ever again hurt the bruised, vulnerable person underneath.
– Clothing. I’ve often said I’m so enamored of my costumes (seriously you should see my vintage dress collection!) because I am horribly insecure. I use them as a shiny distraction for people to talk about instead of talking about, oh, me. And if they hate it and think it’s ridiculous? No matter because it really isn’t me anyhow! In the same vein, I once had a pickup-artist type friend (we’ll discuss that issue another time) tell me that he always picked the girls who wore the most jewelry because the more bling she had on, the lower her self-esteem (and presumably the easier she would be to get in bed). On the other hand, I’ve also seen people intentionally use bland clothing to blend into the background, thinking that if no one notices them then no one can hurt them.
– The Internet. Is there any more powerful remodeling tool than the web?? Two words: Second Life. You literally build yourself from the ground up.
Sometimes we hide our bodies by showing everything and sometimes we hide them by showing nothing at all — all in the hope that someone will catch a glimpse of our inner self and love us, for who we really are. But first we have to answer: Do we really want people to see us or just see us?
What do you hide in plain sight? What did you think of those Dermablend vids?? Can you spot the man in this last pic??
So many thoughts…
First, yes, I spotted the man in every “camo” picture because I am very hard to sneak up on. Its one of my many ways I have developed to protect myself.
Awareness.
One way I DO NOT protect myself, is I try to show who I really am.
For example: Azusmom made the comment on one post awhile back about how guys should not ignore the quiet, nice girls who were maybe not so flashy but quality people who are perhaps insecure.
This is something I have done my while life and the result is fairly consistent. I seek pay attention to such a girl, ask her to dance if at a dance. Have conversations in which she knows I am interested in what she thinks and how she feels and have fun discovering her in all her glory.
At some point in the relationship she becomes less insecure, and more confident in the fact that she is indeed intelligent and witty and charming and the prettiest princess in the room.
Because she has seen herself through my eyes.
Then other guys notice her.
She likes the additional attention.
Then she wonders why she is wasting time with me.
Because I show who I really am, Nothing fake.
BUT…now that the shallow, flashier, richer, better-looking guys notice her, and she can have one or more of them, then my humble offerings are no longer needed. Because I do not offer shallow and fake.
And the “pick-up artist” wins. Those who “hit them and quit them”. And get the girls to think it is a good thing.
I think this is the second time I have seen you mention your pick-up artist friend and the second time you have said you will discuss him another time.
I would like to discuss this issue sometime.
Its one of the many reasons I have a heavy punching bag.
This comes across as really creepy, and really insulting to women. My sister is super quiet and introverted and she sure as hell doesn’t need a guy to “save” her by letting her know he thinks she is beautiful (oh- and that he thinks everyone else doesn’t! Can’t forget that all-important confidence-destroying, dependance-building step!) And she ABSOLUTELY doesn’t need a guy who thinks he “deserves” her just because he was nice to her. Sounds like you pick out vulnerable women and attempt to make their happiness and self-worth dependent on you, and then blame everyone else when they leave. The “nice guys finish last” thing is total B.S. There are a HUGE amount of girls who like nice guys- they just don’t like creeps. But it is easy to tell yourself that they left because you were “nice” than because you were creepy.
Pick-up artist culture is creepy and screwed up…and it sounds like you have bought into it 100%. Just from the “nice guy” angle, not the pick-up-artist angle.
You are viewing my life through some very skewered lens.
First, I never said that I “saved” them.
And I never told them anything that wasn’t obvious for anyone who cared to look. Including themselves.
People can get beaten down to where it is easier to believe all the negative, and neglect the positives. Encouragement is a blessing everyone needs from time to time.
And I never said they “owed” me. Their happiness and self worth were never “dependent” on me.
And my “nice guy” angle also includes NOT HAVING SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE.
So…now how is that “creepy”?
You DID compare me to a pick-up artist, whose goal is SEX.
Duh.
(I’ll pause while you open your mouth to trade feet.)
And all of these females liked me.
Some even said they loved me.
Which is WHY it hurt when they abruptly decided that someone else’s “shallow” was more sparkly fun than my non-fake.
Kind of made them “shallow” themselves.
And if they DID NOT HIDE the fact that they were shallow, if they DID NOT mask that with fake sincerity.
I would have simply thanked them for the dance and moved on.
And my time would not have been wasted.
I have also had truly wonderful women who loved me deeply, but made other choices.
Yay! For them! I loved them enough to want them to be happy and I don’t want to be anybody’s “obligation”.
I also deserve better.
Wow! The weather must be warmer in other places because people do not seem to be at their computers.
As to the Dermablend vids the ladies had things that were in order less changeable and unchangeable.
But the guy did it to himself. He got the shocking (and to some people disturbing) tattoos on purpose to try to GET a reaction, and to try to GET people to perceive him a specific way, and then he thinks himself victimized when their minds don’t immediately go “Hey! THAT’S probably a nice guy!”
He made himself look like someone’s nightmare, 24/7, and then is offended when that is people’s reaction?
That seems insincere and fake as he manufactured the look, the situation and the problem.
The two ladies had NO say in their circumstances, so their struggles are NOT “poor me” attention getters. Their struggles are real.
His are “I worked hard for years for you to see me this way but I don’t WANT you to see me this way. I was just kidding. I am really a nice guy. What you see is me…by choice, but its not me.”
Its like he always wished he was born a marginalized minority, and since that didn’t happen, he manufactured a fake way to be oppressed and then complain about people’s prejudices which he also manufactured.
Never heard of Normcore before…at first glance sounds like an anti-trend trend…
How I try to hide? When I feel big and fat and wahtever other negative feeling, I hide in clothes. Younger, there was a time when I gained weight and would only wear baggy with long sweaters and a “do-rag” to hide my hair (I had a cute short pixie but when I gained weigh I hated how it looked, my face looked huge) . Normal weight or smaller, I would dress fun to bring hte focus to the clothes… I was one of those (and still am).
Never used make up other than maybe laterly a dab of concealer on red pimples… my mom (wen I was a kid) would say make up is for whores. and promiscusous teenagers if you were younger than late 20s.. literally using those words. (french version) So I never grew up using make up. Bought some last year (hit 40) and I still can’t bring myself to use it everyday for fear of : a) when I don’t wear it people will think I look like crap (if I don’t they are used to my natural look) and b) I feel like a cheat… like I am trying to hide something and it’s not me. Funny huh.
Agree with Darwin about that last guy. I have no sympathy for people who make themselves look as outrageous as possible and then complain when people judge them. Sorry, man, but I’m judging you to be incredibly clueless.
I just want to know HOW that guy hides himself!
I have done the hiding in vintage clothes thing myself, in college. I still have a lot of those dresses, which I can’t bear to part with, but also can’t really wear, after three pregnancies and births widened my waist just enough to make those dresses uncomfortable, and deflated my bust and booty to the point that those dresses just look absurd. Yet I can’t let them go; I treasure my memory of myself in those “costumes,” as you called them (and they were costumes; they were a way to make myself visible, as I always struggled with feeling invisible in those days, something I still rustle with from time to time).
I have also hidden in bland, nondescript clothes, happy to recede into my perceived invisibility, in the many years of early motherhood when I couldn’t recognize my body, didn’t know who I was outside my roles of wife and mother, and was too tired and depressed to figure it out.
After a few years of consistent exercise and emergence from the sometimes dark places of my early motherhood experience, I am once again comfortable and present in my body, and find myself dressing to reflect this. Comfortable, but form-fitting clothes, sometimes accented with the few vintage pieces from my college days that I can still wear, that has become my new uniform. Visible, but not begging for attention. Sometimes I roll out the few vintage pieces I can still wear, but reinterpreted to reflect who I am now.
This has been thought-provoking! Thanks for this post; it’s interesting to think about how we present ourselves to the world and why.
I didn’t get the feeling that the last guy spent a lot of time feeling sorry for himself or hiding his tattoos. He even said that he felt like they were his skin. I was confused by his video because it seems like he DIDN’T feel like he had to cover up. I suspect he just uses the cover-up for very specific situations where tattoos aren’t ok.
Hello?
“People judge everyday. I opened a door for a woman and she went out of her way to take the other door to avoid crossing paths with me.”
Direct quote from the guy. Feeling sorry for himself.
(Helps if you hear what’s actually there and not just what you want to hear.)
Then he followed it up with “No matter what you are faced with in life…” yada…yada…yada.
I love this post Charlotte! You make me feel normal-I can relate to a lot things you talk about. (Not flexibility though!) I’ve been a blender and like to not stand out. I have tried for too long to be what i think people want me to be. Life is too hard and confusing and I’m not living when I do that! As I’m discovering what’s great about me and that my greatness isn’t based on being greater than or less than anyone-it’s just cause I’m me-I’m feeling so free! And I see the greatness in others. When I’m feeling strong like this I see greatness in others and see people with curiosity and love-not fear. Thanks for yet another awesome post.
So much to think about. I guess I’m not someone who hides behind any makeup or particular style. But I do find where I live kind of dictates what I wear. I’d really love to wear cooler, more interesting clothes. But I live in a small town in the country, work at home, and basically see all the other drop off and pick up moms at the school. If I wore anything other than jeans and very subdued clothes, or drove a more flashy car, it would be out of place. Know what I mean? So I kind of create my own slightly boring, but more stylish than most, style so I don’t stand out and look like a city person. Or like I’m trying too hard. Because that’s not cool here. Funny how you describe celebrities and others finally realizing what all of us in the country know is best –live more simply. Be real. Oh, but I do need at least a minimum of makeup each day, not for anyone else’s sake, but I just don’t like the dark circles under my eyes…working on trying to get rid of those! Have not watched the videos yet but will now. thanks!!
I can relate to the small town fashion thing. I used to work in one of the two grocery stores in my town and a lady came in one day wearing high heels with her skinnies. To my eternal shame my first thought was,”Does she think she’s in New York or something, Ms. Fancypants?” (And I LOOOOVE a high heel. And I think heels with skinnies are super cute!) It’s just too much in our town, too which is a shame ’cause I love fashion, but I love fitting in more.
HOW THAT GUY HIDES HIMSELF?