I’ve lost myself. Oh don’t worry, it’s not serious. Not like the time I ate the special brownies and tried to join Gwar only to get eaten by a giant cockroach. (lie: I don’t eat brownies unless they’re in ice cream and the only “special” ingredient I’d eat would be black beans. I would totally join Gwar though.) But I do seem to have lost my way a bit lately, lost my sense of who I really am. It’s not a surprise – this happens to me from time to time. It’s one of the downsides of being what psychologists call a “high self monitor” (i.e. a social chameleon). I get so eager to please people and fit in that I immerse myself in whatever they like and try to change myself to fit with what they expect me to be – or at least what I think they expect me to be. Unfortunately the more I try to be everything to everyone, the more I fail to be anything to anyone. It’s been a hard lesson to learn.
Social chameleons are often reviled as sycophants and social climbers but in truth we all do it to some degree; it’s just part of functioning in society. (There was even a really interesting study recently about how one way our intuition alerts us to creepers and sociopaths is that we subconsciously mirror the affect and mannerisms of whomever we are speaking with and so when someone doesn’t do that – as sociopaths often fail to do because they lack empathy – we get this weird feeling they’re creepy, even if we can’t quite explain why. Another reason you should trust your gut!) But it’s a matter of finding the balance between the two extremes: too individualistic (a “low self monitor”) and you lose the ability to relate to others and miss social cues, too chameleon-esque and you lose your own sense of self and come off as insincere.
(Side note: It’s my unscientific opinion that the majority of reality TV stars become such because they fall on one extreme end of this spectrum or the other. On one end you’ve got Elizabeth Hasselbeck and that last Bachelor who was so awful that I now know everything about him even though I never watched the show and on the other end you’ve got every winner of American Idol or America’s Next Top Model.)
Having fallen off this particular log quite a few times in my life, I’ve learned to recognize when I’ve gone too far. It’s mostly born of an increasingly frenzied feeling that nobody likes me but if I just knew what they wanted me to be I could totally fix myself! Of course this doesn’t work. But realizing that I’m doing it (again…) is one thing, fixing it is another thing entirely. I still really struggle with staying “true” to myself but I will say that the older I get, the more rooted in myself I feel. And I’ve picked up a few tips along the way that help me. Or rather, I’ve found that for me it takes a series of small course corrections that I consistently apply to keep me in line with The Real Slim Shady, er, Charlotte.
An inscription on Stirling Castle in Scotland, later attributed to Shakespeare (although I couldn’t find where he said it or wrote it).
How to Find Yourself When You are Lost*
1. Don’t wear masks. When I first started this blog over 7 years ago (WHOA), it was this awful white-text-on-black-background monstrosity and the only picture of me on the entire site was one of me years ago in full goth kit: wig, crazy black eyeliner (all over my face) and all. I was unrecognizable. I didn’t even blog under my own name. Why? Because I wanted to feel “free” to say whatever I wanted without people connecting it to Charlotte. I learned quickly this kind of inauthenticity is a cancer. If you don’t want something that you say to be connected with you, then you shouldn’t be saying it. Whether you wear the mask of anonymity on the Internet or you wear a mask in real life (i.e. “I’m shy” or “I’m crazy” or “I’m Zorro”), this is a cop out. It may be easier in the short run but the problem with masks is that you have to keep them on and eventually that gets exhausting. Or you get mistaken for a bank robber.
2. Live consistently with your beliefs. Lots of people talk about this as if it is as simple as one day deciding “From now on I will only act according to my core principles, the world be damned!” I wish it were. The first part is to decide what your beliefs actually are. Everyone thinks that of course they know what they believe but try writing “I believe…” on a piece of paper ten times and filling in each line with an answer. Just try it – I promise it’s illuminating. And then recognize that being authentic isn’t one decision you make one day and you’re golden but rather many, many small decisions every day.
3. Set goals. Many others have covered this much better than I so I will simply say that there have been many times I’ve been furiously climbing a ladder only to reach the top and realize it was leaning against the wrong building. Hard work without goals is just splitting rocks in prison.
4. Be accountable for your time. Time is a valuable resource just like money, water, oil and the LEGOs with the attached axles. It’s yours and you only get so much of it, so pay attention to how you’re trading it.
5. Create a sacred space within yourself. A while ago, a friend came up behind me and put his arm around my shoulder and neck, pulling me back towards him. I stiffened – I do not like surprises and I do not like people touching my neck – and noticing my discomfort he laughed, “I just crossed all your boundaries didn’t I?!” So what did I answer? (Warning: you’re going to want to smack me.) “No worries! I don’t have any boundaries!” But I do have boundaries and not just physical ones. I believe every single person is born with a divine spark within them that is uniquely theirs. It’s what makes you, you. It’s what makes you beautiful. Nothing can change it or take it away or break it but sometimes it can be hidden (either by us or by others). Finding that sacred space in your own skin and being able to love it is the key for knowing where others stop and you start.
6. Light attracts light. All those people who claim that “like attracts like” are scientifically confused. (And probably the same people who say “a pound of muscle weighs more than a pound of fat”) On a very elemental level, it’s opposites that attract. But a bright light, on the other hand, is a powerful attraction, leading others (and moths) out of the darkness. Find those people who are beacons for you – you know who they are – and then follow them persistently. Eventually you’ll have enough strength to be a beacon for someone else. But realize that those who are light to you are not always those who are most like you; be careful about seeking out only those who would agree with you.
7. Do not fear opposition. Pain hurts. It’s pain, duh. But it’s always pain with a purpose: it’s only through the struggles that we grow. We have to tear down muscle fibers before they can knit back together stronger. It’s the same with our inner muscles (and I’m not talking the kegel ones). The only way we’ll ever know what we’re really made of is if we have to use it.
8. Learn to love those closest to us. Social media junkies unite! It sounds counterintuitive but it can be so much easier to love those far away from us whether they are blog friends or old college buddies on Facebook at the expense of the people sitting right next to us. Part of this is that with the Internet we get to choose exactly with whom and how we associate but in real life we’re just thrown together. But our parents, siblings, spouses, and children are not only going to be the ones we’ll have the longest relationships with but they’re also the ones who know us best – the real us – so it’s worth cultivating those relationships and putting them first. Even if they insist that peeing in the general vicinity of the toilet is sufficient.
9. Learn from history. Learn from your personal history. Learn from mine. Learn from books. There are so many smart people in the world! (For example, this post was inspired by this talk by Quentin L. Cook.) To paraphrase George Santayana, those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it. And be grateful. One of my favorite things about reading my past journals and blogs is seeing how blessed I was in that moment, if I couldn’t see it then.
10. Seek correction. It takes a strong person to accept criticism but it takes an even stronger one to seek it out. Being humble and admitting our faults can be so hard but we can’t keep our spark if we’re not willing to trim the wick and clean off the wax every once in a while. The flip side of this is not being easily offended. Ask for ways you can improve, let go of slights (especially intended ones) – do whatever it takes to stay teachable.
I know this sounds like I’m giving you all advice. I’m really not. I wrote this post entirely for me (selfish moment! Sorry!). But I can’t be the only one who struggles with remembering who they really are? Some of you have noticed and even commented lately that I don’t sound like myself or that I seem off. You’re right. I am. (Or it might just be that part of my lunar cycle. TMI.) Either way, I’m grateful that you love me enough to point it out and I hope you’ll be patient while I get the ol’ ship back on course.
Of course I’d love any advice you have for me! Where do you fall on the scale between social chameleon and staunch individualist? What do you do when you feel like you’re not yourself??
P.S. Black bean brownies are actually really yummy.
“Deannadh gach neach a dhicheal.” Is apparently an old Gaelic proverb motto that when translated sounds like Shakespeare. But…that’s just what I hear.
Word on the street, as it were.
What I DO know that it was EDMOND Burke (as opposed to Edwin Burke) who said, “Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.”
I am known (and often derided) as the “quote king”.
And to quote YOU quoting Shane..your “…rakishly handsome neighbor [from your] freshman year of college: “You’re prettier but she’s way sexier.” Thus started one of the worst back-handed compliments I’ve ever received. “She just knows how to use what she’s got. You’re… kinda spastic.”
Warning: Shane is someone I would like to smack.
Shane wanted you to assume some sexual predatory role “using what you’ve got” in COMPETITION with your then roommate.
Translation: He wanted you to chase/seduce/ambush him naked. He was playing a head game with you to convince you to “put out” more. Trying to use your insecurity to facilitate his sexual conquest of you.
Did I mention the whole wanting to smack him thing?
You have your own unique-to- Charlotte-kind-of-sexy that your spouse knows all about.
Hugh Jackman’s wife has said he is the most sexy when he is taking out the garbage.
Whether she was kidding or not, it truly is the everyday things, everyday activities, personal idiosyncrasies, about someone we love…that touch us deeply and move us to passion.
But that would take more time and effort from a hit it and quit it kind of guy than he is willing to invest.
And it is NOT something that can be sold in a bottle or a jar or styled into your hair or provided in the latest spring fashion.
Its all about who you are.
Alfred Hitchcock once said: “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
More an more people seem to want all drama all the time. Dramatic look, provided by the mask of makeup, dramatic costume to make people look and think of sex, dramatic personality to captivate attention and draw it away from others. Dramatic statements and declarations to be memorable, dramatic and provocative acts and actions to be talked about.
But life is truly about the “dull bits”.
And who you are in the “dull bits” shines.
THAT is the quality core.
And if people don’t like that you, then they don’t like you. So who needs them?
Which comes from thinking less about how or why you can make people like you (because you can’t and you shouldn’t want to) but more from… “This is me, accept it or not. Your choice.”
I got/get along with all types of people, nerds, jocks, beauty queens, chess club, theater majors, opera people (who are QUITE different from theater majors) business majors, political activists, musicians, farmers, ditch diggers, executives, famous people because I first accepted them and they accepted me.
But I didn’t have to become a farmer…or a business major, or an executive, or a famous person…I didn’t have to change to have such friends.
Neither do you.
And the ones that want you to change?
You don’t need them.
Finding yourself means admitting that you don’t really like or want certain things or certain people in your life. It’s really hard to admit those things. For me, some examples included admitting that no, I do not really want to write a novel (which I thought was my goal in life), and that no, I don’t really enjoy some people’s company (whom I thought were great friends).
Once it’s admitted, you don’t need to make a public announcement (I am not for hurting people’s feelings), but you do feel relieved. 🙂
“Finding yourself means admitting that you don’t really like or want certain things or certain people in your life.” SO TRUE and I’d never quite thought of it that way before! Love it when you make me think:)
*laughs* This is kinda like what I said…in my previous comment, only less verbose!
So in this sense, is “finding yourself” akin to un-cluttering your inbox?
For example, I LOVE Charlotte’s posts!
Entertaining words of wisdom from an intelligent and charming woman!
And each post was like a lovely letter from a very appreciated and admired person showing up in my inbox.
And I mentioned previously that Charlotte’s picture of herself joyously oil-pulling with her cheeks puffed out made my morning when I found it in my inbox!
But I turfed it. Along with all the rest of Charlotte’s posts. I have not kept any of them. And my inbox is much less cluttered!
The comments I tend to keep, when notified. Not that deleting them as they show up is any great cardiovascular effort, but they help me to remember articulations of my thoughts
which were extemporaneous at the time of typing, and they highlight for me the inadequacies of my efforts to communicate.
But nothing should be read into my deleting of Charlotte’s posts! Not saving them does not mean that I do not appreciate them!
Charlotte’s blog along with the comments section all go a LONG way in facilitating people’s efforts to “find themselves”.
I think Charlotte should be applauded.
I know that I am grateful.
Charlotte has been of great help to me personally.
So appreciating Charlotte in my life does not include keeping a mountain of her posts.
Thus there are varying levels and degrees of “liking” or “wanting” which also have to be considered.
yep.
yep.
there too.
yep.
I’m smack-dab in the middle. I know how to fit in/kiss up when I need to, but I’m quite aware of it when I’m putting on an act, and can’t wait to get back to being myself.
A bit off-topic here, but I remember when we “found” each other on your blog after I had lost track of you from participation on another blog. I don’t remember the goth picture, but the first pic I remember is of you doing an impressive splits (split?) while bouncing on a trampoline. Not sure, but weren’t you using the name Cheery, or was that someone else?
I wasn’t Cheery but I do remember her! Nice girl. And that pic is at the bottom of my “about me” page: https://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/about 😉 I still love that we knew each other first from that body-building board! Good times.
Thanks so much for posting this. I needed it and I love all the tips. I was just telling my husband a few weeks ago that lately, with 4 kids, two of whom are two years old, I feel like a faceless workhorse. Just a machine that changes diapers, cleans up, makes food, runs to Costco and so on. Like I can’t find “me” in any of that. I am trying to work on finding my center again. I have been working a lot on your tip #3. I found I was using the few hours of downtime I have in a day scrolling through Facebook or looking at Pinterest things that in retrospect do nothing to nourish my soul and in fact, tend to make me feel stressed. I have been making a conscious effort to put down the phone and read a book or blast some music I love in my earbuds while I clean. Things that make me feel more like me.
YES to this: “Just a machine that changes diapers, cleans up, makes food, runs to Costco and so on. Like I can’t find “me” in any of that.” It’s so easy to get lost inside the wind tunnel of motherhood. So glad you are taking those moments for yourself:)
Good comment. It always takes me 18 to 24 months post baby to feel like I have my own two feet underneath me again. I am not me, I’m Joe, Jack and Louie’s mom.
I get caught in a slightly different version of losing myself. It’s not so much what others want me to be, but what I think I should be or are capable of. I find myself stuck in patterns in which every second is booked and every moment is about making myself better, stronger, smarter, cleaner, more organized, thinner, healthier…. The list goes on and on. At some point I wear myself out and have to check in and say to myself, “Why do you feel like you need to extend yourself so much? What is your goal?” And as far as I can tell, I am not actually trying to improve myself **for** anyone else, it’s just the state that I gravitate toward.
This makes a lot of sense. I totally relate to this, too: ” I find myself stuck in patterns in which every second is booked and every moment is about making myself better, stronger, smarter, cleaner, more organized, thinner, healthier…. The list goes on and on. “
Well as far as I know I haven’t weirded anybody out yet, but I am very uncomfortable about pretending to be what I’m not unless everybody knows we are playing a game of lets pretend. It feels like lying to me and I am pretty sensitive to it. It has hurt me some in my career because I work fair amount in the investment community where butt kissing is breathing and I can’t do it, my throat just closes up when I try.
Like Sarah said I am guilt of pushing myself to be better, stronger, faster all the time and it usually blows up in my face and I am too hard on myself for not doing my best.
I am definitely a social chameleon, but when I do connect with people, I’m more worried that they don’t believe my sincerity. I think if I tried to figure out my own brain’s inner-workings I would get lost. But I think my main need is to connect and so I try to find a way with almost everyone. Some people it just doesn’t come, even ones I would think I could get along with well. However, the more I connect with in different areas, the more lost I become. Am I doing this solely to connect? Am I actually interested in whatever I am connecting with? Am I just so insecure that I can’t just be me and let people connect with Me? But I still enjoy it…
One way I try to grasp hold of who I am is focusing on my favorite things. Even if I have been teased about them before, they are Me. Then I take a couple slow days and just enjoy the life I have without rushing to get something done. I usually accomplish more anyway.
Maybe I should try out Krav because I have a serious neck being touched phobia. And I’m a fraidy cat of what’s in the dark.
We really really need to get together! I totally understand everything you just wrote.
I am a social chameleon – and that is why I get so tired when I am with other people. I need to keep a balance between solitude and solidarity (as Camus once wrote, although it works better in French; between being “solitaire” and “solidaire”), otherwise I get lost.
BUT I really see this as a strength! Since I get along with almost everyone, I have a really easy time conducting interviews as a researcher. And my job also makes me spend a lot of time along, thinking, reading and reflecting, which I also need. So it is a perfect match.
I believe the important thing is how you use your strengths/weaknesses (which usually are the same).
I agree – it can definitely be a strength! It’s just about finding that balance:) And I’ve never made this connection before: “I am a social chameleon – and that is why I get so tired when I am with other people. I need to keep a balance between solitude and solidarity (as Camus once wrote, although it works better in French; between being “solitaire” and “solidaire”), otherwise I get lost.” So, thank you for this!
Great tips!
But, um, what’s wrong with Elizabeth Hasselback?
Oh nothing! And there’s nothing wrong with the other reality TV people I listed either – I was just looking for examples that represent each end of the spectrum and I think Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a perfect example of someone who is not a social chameleon, is the same person no matter what the context or who she is with. She’s kind of known for always speaking her mind, yes?
Yes, she is known for speaking her mind in her current job on talk TV–but it seems like that’s what they hired her to do. In her Survivor season, I didn’t think of her as being particularly opinionated.
I think it was just that in the previous paragraph you seemed to lay out the two ends of the spectrum as social chameleon vs. psychopath, which would seem to put Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the psychopath side.
Yep. I feel this right now too. It’s like I’ve been away form the regular life at home alone a lot and soon will have to leap right back into “regular” things…only I’ll have gone through crazy life changing things and everyone else will have been doing their thing. I’ll be a different me with a different health level… it makes me wonder what I’ll want to change and do differently once I’m back in there. I don’t think I”ll know completely until I’m there. I’m an introvert so it should be an adventure 🙂
Introverts unite! You are certainly at an interesting crossroads in your life – I’m impressed with how well you’ve thought this out and how aware you are of the choices you have coming. Please keep me posted on what happens next:)
Hard work without goals is just splitting rocks in prison. – Love this. Rings so true around here lately.
It’s an interesting subject. It’s weird, I never really feel PRESSURED to be a certain way around certain people, but it just happens. A little bit. Not so much I lose myself (though I think I have in the past), but enough that I definitely feel a little shift when worlds collide. And I really feel like I’m a pretty authentic person for the most part – what you see is what you get.
One thing I have noticed is that at work I am kind of the cruise director – outside of work, I definitely do a lot more listening than talking since it feels nice to be in that position.
I struggle with who I am, what I want and where I want to be all the time. Great post!
I totally get this. I am also a people-pleaser type, always trying to fit in, to figure out what the other person wants and then make it sound like that’s what I wanted all along, just so everybody’s happy. I hate confrontation. I am deathly averse to being criticized. But I have come to realize that relationships built on me acting like a human doormat/chameleon just to be the nicest/most compliant person in the time zone aren’t really all that soul-satisfying (for me, anyway). I never really feel like I know who I am, deep down. Am I just a reflection? A part of someone else’s image of themselves? Where do I stop and the other person begins? I have moments of panic when I realize I am pushing 50 and I’m not sure what I am really about, much less have I Made A Major Contribution.
One thing that helps is realizing that I don’t have to fix this right away. Baby steps. I’m doing some mindfulness meditation. I’m doing a lot of yoga – and for the breathing, not the toning. My kids are almost all out of the house and that really helps. I love them dearly but I am really, really tired of taking care of people all the time and feeling solely responsible for their health/success/happiness. I am trying to tune in to myself and see what feels right, not what I think looks right, or what I should be doing. It’s hard, but I think I am going in the right direction. Take time for yourself, set some boundaries, get rid of the “shoulds” and nurture your “loves.”
Thanks for being so honest here on the blog. It helps all of us introvert/chameleons know we’re not totally crazy and/or alone!
It’s actually the first time I’ve considered my own problem in this light. I used to think all my being lost was due to the fact i had two little kids that don’t leave any time for soul searching. Now they’re school age and behave like they’re preteen age, and for the first time in 10 years I get to look around and think about my own future. Who do I want to be? All the hobbies and aspirations I had before kids seem kind of lame now. After all, who needs a 35 year old wannabe guitarist? The idea of directing plays doesn’t really appeal to me any more. I don’t need to get famous to find a person who will marry me. The things that saved my sanity – like crafts and knitting, and sewing, and embroidery isn’t functional any more once your kids are past the age when you can make them wear anything you’ve “created”, and anyway – that’s way too sedentary if your job is sitting in front of a computer for 14 hours a day.
So who am I? What should I be? What should I become at the age when the opinion of other people should not rule my mind?
I loved your post. And one thing that really helped me was this book (http://www.amazon.com/Could-Anything-Only-Knew-What/dp/0440505003). I quite dislike self-help books, and this one was not much better than others, but I did take one thing from it that has the potential of changing my life. It says that you don’t have to find the one thing you want to be. You can be ten things, just not at the same time. You can be a writer and write one morning a week. And you can be a gardener some other mornings. And you can be a guitarist once a month on a Friday night with the audience of your kids if you find something to punish them for. You might not even like writing every day for years and years, who knows? Or being an extremely helpful neighbor every day (I just noticed my social “chameleonness” in the word “neighbor”. Any other time I would have used the British spelling since I’m from Europe and that’s what I was taught at school, but as you are an American, I tried to blend in.)
And I really love you for your people-pleasing ways. I feel so secure when reading your posts. I feel like you are my friend. So there are benefits. For me as well.
What a great comment.