Bounding into my room this morning at still-too-early-o’thirty (official Kid Standard Time), Jelly Bean threw herself across my slumbering back and did a perfect imitation of wee Princess Anna in Frozen, proclaiming, “The sky’s awake! So I am awake! So we have to play!”
My crabbiness was overcome by her cuteness and I cracked a smile. But when I say “cracked” I literally mean cracked. As in something by my lip snapped. And it hurt! I stopped smiling as quickly as a Sharpei at a Botox party. I ran to the mirror and was greeted by my old nemesis – my Bermuda Zit, so named because it sits in that unholy triangle of my lip, chin and cheek. Believe you me, if Amelia Earhart had crashed her plane into my Bermuda Triangle we would have found her before she got her socks wet because any little thing that touches that area of my face immediately prompts a skin eruption that make signal flares look like cocktail poppers.
Several times a year this zombie zit returns to almost the exact same spot to feast on my flesh. And it’s not just any zit, like those dainty commercial kind that can be banished by a blemish cream and concealer. It’s always one of those cystic kind that go deep and painful and last for weeks and make everyone unconsciously wince when they notice it.
But as much as I hate having the acne abomination, I hate dealing with it more. Popping zits is just not my thing. I know that for some people it’s a veritable zitgasm but it only took one time of squirting the mirror while screaming in horror to make me never want to do that again. Plus, I swear popping zits has never made them go away faster and it leaves scars on my wussy skin. So now my general tactic is to do nothing to it and hope that it will nicely go away.
It never does.
But this morning it was more evil than its usual protocol. I had gone to bed Sunday night with a fairly sizable blemish but woken up this morning with a bloody, crusty mess. The reprobate pimple had gone and popped itself. I panicked. I mean yeah, it’s not like my prom today or anything but I still have to see people and if anyone makes me laugh the #$(*@ thing will bust itself open again. And nobody likes to talk to the girl with pus leaking down her face. What was I going to do?!? Which is how I found myself going through the Five Stages of Grief… for my zit.
1. Denial and Isolation. Fine. I’ll just have to go full Joaquin Phoenix and hermit-up in here. Crap, I have to go pick up my kids. But hey it’s not that big, right? People probably won’t notice it. Especially not if I really play up my eye makeup and distract them by making really animated winky faces! Here, I’ll just try and cover it up a bit. Start with some zit cream (more of a karmic gesture at this point), then layer some concealer on. Yep, just a dab. Or ten. Then I’ll take the shine off with some powder. Um, I can still see it. I’ll just add some foundation, some green tint to mask the red scabby part and maybe a little bronzer on top and highlighter on the bottom to contour it and…
2. Anger. Holy heck in a Hermes handbag my zit is SO BIG I CAN CONTOUR IT? It’s not a zit anymore, it’s a seven layer cream cake! With fondant! I am a thirty-freaking-five-year-old woman! If I’m going to break out like a teenager then the universe at least owes me the metabolism of a teenager! WHERE ARE MY JELLY BEANSSSSSS?
3. Bargaining. This happened because I ate all the jelly beans last week didn’t it? Okay, so what if I swear off sugar for the next month – will that make you go away? No? How about I up the ante and promise to go full Paleo for the month – everyone says Paleo/Primal cures their acne right? Could I trade you a wrinkle or two? I’d gladly take a cute little crow’s foot in lieu of never having this cranial carbuncle again! Why has no one invented a laser for this? Would a band-aid look worse or better? Still no? What do you waaaaaant from me?
4. Depression. Dagnabbit, all the ragey screaming made it crack open again. It huuuuurts. Okay, okay, so yelling is out. As is yawning, duck-lipping and smiling. Which is really not that big of a deal because I don’t much feel like smiling or snapping selfies with my sleepy cat anyhow. This sucks. It’s pretty much on the one spot on my face that I can’t hide with my hair (unless I want to make a mock-beard out of pigtails which can be kinda fun…). Ugh I feel so hideous. I’d best just stay inside today watching an America’s Next Top Model marathon because Hulu just uploaded all the seasons from the early aughts and it entertains me to see early 21st century fashion. (So! Many! Whiskered! Low-low-rise! Flared! Jeans!) Plus even wannabe models get zits sometimes and then the camera zooms in on them while the makeup artists cluck their tongues and debate whether they should airbrush their actual skin or retouch their digital skin to make it look like wannabe models never get zits. I’ll fold the seventy loads of laundry I have leftover from camping and pretend I’m being productive. And who cares about sunshine or kids or friends or… crap, we’re having friends over for dinner.
[Optional stage: Irritation. As in nothing is more irritating than when people point out my zit for me. Do I know I have a zit? Are you asking me if I never look in a mirror? Or if I don’t have nerve endings? Or are you simply using me as an eye exam? Because I definitely know I have a zit. Kthanx.)
5. Acceptance. Gird up your loins girl (whatever that means) because you and your face are going to have to be out and about in public today. Go wash off all that ridiculous makeup that only ended up highlight what I was trying to hide. (Charlotte’s only makeup tip: Don’t put concealer over a scab, it just looks like lasagna crust – and not even the good kind.) Besides, in the grand scheme of acne, I really can’t complain. I almost never break out and when I do it’s usually just one zit, albeit one ginormous pus-sucking abomination of a zit. And I feel like as gross as they are, people understand pimples because we all get them. They’re gross but they’re pretty universal so it’s not like people are going to freak out because my face exploded. At least I don’t have a butt zit. Or an inner-ear zit. Or, heaven help us all, a nostril zit.
Or a back zit!
What’s the worst zit you’ve ever had? Are you a pimple popper? Anyone have a great method for getting rid of those really deep owie zits? Anyone just want to commiserate with me?
Cystic zits are just !@#$ing evil.
I went on doxycycline about a year ago, and I AM SO HAPPY I DID.
Seriously, one or two pills every week, and I haven’t had a hellaciously bad pimple fest in *months*, which is saying something for the 30-year-old with teenage acne (doesn’t mean I still don’t break out occasionally, but it is worlds better than it used to be!).
Sometimes a super-hot washcloth can help bring the ick to the surface, where it can…um…relieve pressure. (whichmeanspus.Sorry!) I will also put a band-aid over a nasty zit at night with medicated cream or tea tree oil on it–keeps the medication from wiping off on the sheets while sleeping. Sometimes that is enough to bring the beast down.
Honestly, though? It’s often best to treat a zit like a blister–it has to drain, or it will keep festering. You don’t have to pop it–just sterilize a needle, poke it where it meets your skin, and then try the hot compress and band-aid routine.
…
Also, I will now be binge-watching ANTM. Thank you for that. 🙂
Oh yeah! Hot washcloth. I have told my kids to do that.
You’re welcome! What is it about that show that is so mesmerizing to me?! There’s also the entire set of Felicity on there too… 😉 And thanks for the tips. Interesting about draining it – I hadn’t considered there was a middle ground between popping and not popping!
Go see a derm. A steroid injection into that cyst will get rid of it forever. In the meantime, hydro-cortisone cream will help it heal
I think the consensus here is that I really need to see a derm! I haven’t seen one in like 10 years so it’s probably about time…
THANK you for the early morning giggle. I’d be sitting here at the age of 55, slightly smug in knowing I “never” get pimples anymore as a post menopausal person, and then I remember what showed up on my face last week…… For GOD sakes. In the same place.
Hang in there girl! 🙂
So glad it made you laugh! If my pain can bring you pleasure…;) Although thanks for blowing the idea that I’ll be free from this nonsense once my periods quit!
I’m really not trying to freak you out here, but…I had a recurring zit on the side of my nose that turned out to be skin cancer. Not the nasty you’re-gonna-die kind, but plain old basal cell. I put up with the stupid thing for about 5 years, and by then it had grown gradually large enough that I needed a skin graft from my ear to fill in the huge honkin’ chunk of skin they had to remove.
So, my advice: Hurry up and see a dermatologist before it gets worse, and you just might be able to clear it up with less drastic measures.
Okay, I’m freaked out. But that’s a good thing because it will make me act! Both of my parents have had basil and squamous cell carcinomas removed so I def need to get this checked. I had no idea that a zit could be a sign!! Thank you!
I don’t like popping zits, either. The anticipation of the actual pop reminds me of opening those cans of ready made biscuits. I HATE waiting for that can to pop and I hate the pop. Just like I hate popping balloons. So I just run a washcloth under really hot water and open my zits the gentle way. It only works for ones that are ready, though. The big azz under the skin ones needs to just fester until they get to the wipe-able stage.
Huh, I just wiped a zit this morning come to think of it.
I used to get the deep down ones a lot more but they’ve given me a break since I started eating healthier. But when one does come a calling, I just suck it up and wait for it to be wipe-able. Sometimes I try to lure them out with some over the counter zit cream.
Yeah the hot washcloth trick helps for sure! And your comment about popping biscuit cans cracked me up – I always wince too! Usually I end up banging it against the counter. to force the pop!
Ugh yes I have one of those. It always shows up on one side of my chin and sits there FOREVER. I always start off saying that I’ll medicate it and leave it alone, but always end up losing my mind and trying to pop it, resulting in an embarrassing scab. Blegh. Usually it starts around PMS time, which means I’m in the perfect frame of mind for a hideous, painful Zitzilla.
Zitzilla – I’m totally stealing this!
Oh girl, I feel you. I get those from time to time. My best remedy is a dab of undiluted tea tree oil twice a day and a bentonite clay mask. The tea tree oil kills the bacteria and the Clay mask dries it up. But, like someone before me said, have a dermatologist check it out. It may just be a really deep bacterial infection that needs a little shot of cortisone to make it go away forever but best to make sure it’s not serious. Us fair-skinned people have to be careful!
But do you eat the bentonite clay mask when you’re done?? Kidding. Not kidding. No seriously, do you eat the clay? So curious about that.
Hee! No, I never have. But ever since Shailene Woodley started talking about it I remembered that some cultures around the world regularly eat clay, so I’ve been thinking about it.
Always a little wary of writings posted on April first, except for yours Charlotte!
But I am surprised that YOU of all people don’t know what “gird up your loins means”! (It is, after all, based in COSTUMING.)
In Biblical times guys wore skirts of varying lengths that even THEY knew were impractical for work and travel and running from lions and tigers and bears.
Oh my.
For some reason, instead of inventing pants, they wore GIRDLES.
For real.
These so named girdles were sashes. And when they worked or traveled…or ran, they would scoop up the skirts and tuck them in under the sash to free their legs for practical movement.
Thus their loins were girt up.
Now it makes sense doesn’t it?
As to your “zombie zit” I am pleased and proud to call you my friend, and I would happily be seen with you in public AND to talk to you even with puss streaming down your face.
Blah. I’ve always struggled with acne and it’s recently flared up again since I went off birth control pills. Luckily it’s all relatively little red spots, not the big stuff I used to get in my teens and early twenties. I do have a spot though. Right at the end of my jaw bone, below my ear. I get a big one there every so often. Luckily my hair covers it but that doesn’t help at the gym when I put my hair back. I just try to remind myself that if people are staring at my breakout, they’re not working out hard enough. Helps a little.
But I can’t tell you how many of my friends have recently complained to me about being in their 30’s (or almost 30’s) and still breaking out. It’s not just for teens anymore!
I am jealous of your jaw zit. I never thought I’d write those words!
LOL and ewwwwwww! I am not a popper of one-of-those things. Just typing that makes me have to repress a gag! Not remembering a horrible one-of-those things. I will just feel bad for you! I did laugh outloud at where your brain goes with the lump on back because, so me!
I used to get these but I don’t any more. I feel them coming on but they never surface. I attribute this to jojoba oil – counterintuitive, but put it right on the affected area.
Also, see if your doctor will prescribe you Bactroban or a similar extra strength topical. Once they’ve scabbed, it’ll help it heal much more quickly
So interesting! I never thought of jojoba oil!!
AND DID YOU SEE THIS????
“New Zealand pop star Lorde has posted a picture online showing a comparison between her natural face and a digitally edited picture as a warning to fans over the use of airbrushing.”
Her quote: “I find this curious – two photos from today, one edited so my skin is perfect and one real. Remember flaws are ok.”
So REMEMBER Charlotte…flaws are okay!!!!
I don’t know anything about Lorde, but I saw her Tweet yesterday and LOVE her for it!
Exactly!
I am not an expert either, I have only heard her one song ROYALS and seen her perform on a talk show..but the snippets of interviews and quotes I have heard make me think she has an intelligent perspective on some things.
Including the above mentioned quote!
“Remember flaws are okay.”
Wonderful!
I used to have a lot of the deep cyst-like pimples. I went to a dermatologist, and he told me to take Allieve twice a day to reduce the inflammation. Now whenever I can feel one developing I take Allieve a few times, and it seems to stop it from forming.
Interesting – I’ve never heard that tip before but it makes sense! And it’s cheap and easy – my favorite kind;)
I once popped a mammoth zit inside my son’s ear. The size is no exaggeration. Most disgusting thing ever. The pus spewed all over me. And now you know.
Hey you’re just doing what moms do! The things we do for our kids…
Do you know that people make money by posting zit popping videos on YouTube? Seriously.
I have skin similar to how you describe yours – sensitive, not too acne prone, but when I do get a pimple, it’s a doozy. I’ve had many pop themselves over the years, and I’ve had the recurring-next-to-my-mouth zit, too (out of that cycle for the time being, knock wood). I always rolled my eyes at beauty magazines’ recommendations about camouflaging zits; they SO weren’t written about the kind of pimples I get.
WHAT. NO. And I refuse to google zit-popping videos! Yikes.
I am self-confessed zit-popper. I can’t help myself – it’s almost like bubble wrap. I am also plagued by zits. I have acne on my back, and my love of popping the zits has meant I now have lots of dark blemishes all over my lower back. Sadly, the acne isn’t bad enough that I qualify for medical treatment, so I have to do my best with off-the-shelf products to keep it clear. It doesn’t always work 🙁
I laughed reading this. I have a scar from a horrible zit I had in that same spot. I have my own routine for zits. I have less now since I oil cleanse my face and less blackheads. I pop zits with a safety pin then dab with hydrogen peroxide on a cotton pad. Then i follow up with a warm compress. Multiple times. I think the peroxide cleans the pus.
Oil cleansing… I do not know what that is! Off to Dr. Google!!
I have had cystic acne since the hormone change – it is horrible!!! I say a dermatologist. I had no health insurance so .. waiting for mine to kick in now but not even sure this is covered…
Oh man – I was hoping you would tell me it gets better with less hormones! I hope you get your insurance figured out soon – that’s so stressful:(
Do you take a zinc supplement? I started taking 50 mg a day several years ago, and haven’t had a zit since.
No but I’ll get one! Not hard to do! Thanks, Grace!
I will commiserate with you. I kid you not, but literally as I was reading this post I felt a weird bump on the inside of my lower lip. It is a zit. In my mouth. I don’t even . . .
Buwhahahah! I’m sorry! (ALthough I’ll take the company). Hope it turns out to be nothing!
Oooh, I like Grace’s tip about zinc! I am a popper – whenever I find myself mindlessly searching for blackheads I know I must be deliriously tired and go to bed, but I also have a semi-pathological aversion to stuff in my skin. I’m like the little cleaner bot in Wall-E: foreign contaminant!! As a kid I couldn’t leave scabs alone either. I do the lance and hot compress thing and make up my moisturiser with coconut oil and tallow for unctuousness (unctuosity?) plus teatree and lemon myrtle oils for disinfection and vitamin E and aloe for healing. Mostly for me it’s about my skin being so dry that the sebum gets sluggish and stuck, though, not so often a cystic thing. The recurring aspect of yours is curious, and probably worth an expert opinion.
Yeah I think the consensus here is I need to see a derm! And now unctuosity is my new fave word:)
I’ll admit I’m a compulsive pimple popper. I have a little extractor tool and use it all the time because it’s just so satisfying to get rid of that stuff.
The cystic ones though drive me nuts. I tend to get them in my earlobes for some reason, and I’m constantly tempted to drive a needle through and lance them out. Can you do that — cut open a cyst and drain it, then clean it up? ><
Post surgical constipation had led to the discovery of your hilarious site and I have to admit I am a chronic blackhead and pimple remover. I have no pores so never had pimples until I got on synthroid and usually the one xit is enough to satisfy my popping needs. Luckily, my hubbie had huge zits so washing in the tub includes the dezitting. Remember the Mommy Dearest moment when she puts her face over steaming water with a towel over her face? I make him do that after pricking the whiteheads with sanitized needle, followed up with very gentle clean and clean facewash and then I dab toothpaste on the oozing ones. His face is so much better, especially his nose and no scars. Dermatologist has told us be gentle and fir women, do the sweat at night followed by gentle facewash and no astringent to fast mAkeup off.