“Leaving so soon?” asked one of the personal trainers as my friend and I were leaving the gym the other morning.
“Um, we’ve been here for an hour,” I shrugged apologetically although I really had no idea what I had to be sorry for.
“Really?” he cocked an eyebrow. “Then you must not have been working very hard.” This stung a little bit since he was the same trainer who had laughed when my friend misjudged the weight on the cable-row and fell over when we’d been lifting weights.
“But I’m all sweaty!” I blurted out and as my friend added defensively, “Well you didn’t see us on the treadmill!”
As we bolted up the stairs, I wondered if he was just trying to drum up business or if he really thought we were slacking – and if it was the latter, did he really expect people to spend more than an hour working out? Because – and as a former exercise addict, I can say this definitively – that’s crazy talk.
In the end I decided it didn’t matter – we wouldn’t have stayed longer even if he’d offered us a free personal training session complete with protein powder speech and heavy ropes (I’m dying to use the ropes but you can’t unless you’re with a trainer!) because both my friend and I were sprinting upstairs to the childcare to rescue our kiddos. Oh the kids were fine, it was more our guilt that propelled us up so quickly. Despite constantly joking about using up all our allotted time with the childcare so we can go soak in the hot tub or have a smoothie or something, we never do it. Because both of us have this mindset that we shouldn’t leave our kids one more minute than necessary.
Guilt is such a great workout.
And so it was that I could totally relate to Ivanka Trump (probably the ONLY time I can say I totally relate to a Trump) when she said in an interview with Shape , “‘When I was in my 20s, I felt guilty if I didn’t exercise – now I feel guilty if I do. It’s time I could be spending with my family.”
Is that not the cutest little squishy baby face ever?!
Ivanka had just been talking about her 16-hour days working as CEO of a shoe company. (Which makes some totally adorable shoes. That I had to check out. Because research.) So when she makes it home to her husband and two kiddos, she’s understandably spent. And yet she still felt like she needed to lose the weight she gained from her pregnancies and take care of her health. It’s the whole oxygen-mask dilemma: You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your kids. But kids are (adorable) black holes of need and will suck up every last bit of energy you have until you have nothing left to put on your mask with.
Yet whether or not you have kids, we’re all juggling family, work, hobbies, school and many other priorities. How do you know how much to give to your needs versus how much to give to other people’s needs? How do you strike that balance?
Ivanka’s solution? “We’re modern women! We have to figure out how to make it work, right?”
Of course right. So… how?
I’ve seen as many different solutions as I’ve seen women (and men too – us ladies aren’t the only ones trying to find balance). I found a gym that offered on-site childcare and I take Jelly Bean with me while the other kids are in school. I have one friend who will only work out in the wee hours of the morning, before her kids are up, doing quick runs around the neighborhood. Another friend saves her workouts for when her kids are napping, heading down to the basement to do a DVD. Still another friend hits the gym straight on her way home from work, knowing that if she goes home to grab so much as a towel she’ll never make it back out again. Yet another friend hits Zumba classes on his lunch hour. Another wears a pedometer and takes every little opportunity in her day to add some extra steps on it. Another does workouts with her kids – bike riding, yoga, parks. Ivanka hired a pricey celeb trainer to come to her home and work her out (which is when I stopped relating to her – it had to end some time).
We’ve all found different solutions – there’s no “right” way – but the one thing we all have in common is that all of us make time to exercise on a consistent basis. It may not be every day and workouts often get superseded by last-minute projects or forgotten field trip money. But we all try. And I think that’s important. I’m just going to come out and say it: I think everyone needs to find a way to fit moderate exercise into their lives. (Of course you can do too much. I’ve done that. It sucks. Don’t be me. 3-5 days a week is plenty.) Study after study has shown that regardless of your weight, your fitness level is crucial to your health and well-being. The physical and mental benefits of exercise are immense and not only will they make you feel better but they will help you manage all those other responsibilities better as well.
So why do we feel so guilty about carving out some time for it in our schedules?
The other day at school pickup I was chatting with some other moms, when another woman ran up, still in her gym clothes. She panted, “I’m so late! My yoga class went over!” When another mom pointed out that this happened quite often and asked why she didn’t take a class at a more convenient time she answered, “Because then I’d have to leave my daughter with a sitter – I could never be that selfish!”
Because we’ve been taught that to put ourselves first sometimes is selfish. We’ve told ourselves that we’re the only ones who can do what we do and get it done “just right.” We’ve convinced ourselves that we can do it all and we shouldn’t have to ask for help. We feel like not only do we have to be perfect but we have to make the perfection look effortless. And yet many of us still think that we’re the only ones who struggle.
I won’t say I’ve got it all figured out. I exercise most days and I won’t let my kids infringe on my workout time because it’s very important to me. I need it to feel like me. And yet there is a part of me that feels a little guilty and wonders if I’m being too rigid. My kids are only little once, right?
The other problem is that it’s so hard to talk about this subject without making other people feel judged for their choices. We all have the same 24 hours in the day – so do we take away from family time to exercise? From work? From sleep? From relaxation/fun? What are we willing to sacrifice to stay healthy? And when is it too much? Then there’s the flipside: So many people feel guilty for not working out. My point in bringing this up is to hopefully help people ditch the guilt and start the discussion. We’re all in this together. Life is too short to waste it feeling guilty. (At least about exercise. Feel free to wallow in it if you murdered someone, stole the Hope diamond or watched The Hangover III – you know, stuff that rends the fabric of society.)
In the end, I think this is something we each have to figure out for ourselves – what works for us, for our families and for our health in this stage of life (and recognize that it will all change when we hit that next milestone). So I’d love to hear how you guys find this balance! When do you find time to work out? Do you ever feel guilty about that time or are you able to embrace it happily? What would you have said to that personal trainer?
When my sons were little I found a gym where I could workout while they were doing taekwon do. I had to cut my workouts short ’cause they needed me at the beginning and end of their lesson to help them change clothes, but it was better than nothing. I also sometimes resorted to the babysitter, I don’t think that’s such a terrible thing, if you can afford it economically.
First of all, that personal trainer was WAAAAAY over the line – he would’ve gotten my best Mom/Teacher face and reminded to back it way down. We don’t all spend our entire day in a gym – thank goodness! It’s one of the many reasons I quit the gym thing. (I workout with T-Tapp DVDs in my spare room- we don’t have basements in Florida…) And guilt comes in all shapes and flavors. When my kids were little I never did ANYTHING without them in tow. When they went to school and I went back to work, I required ME time to keep my sanity. So I started riding horses. 20 minutes on a horse wandering through the woods (sometimes with the kids, sometimes by myself) I could just feel all the stress and angst dripping out the bottom of my boots. It made me a better person, wife and Mom. Like anything – moderation – but we Moms have got to take better care of ourselves. Both mentally and physically. And being outside, whether it’s a walk, a run, a bike or horse ride or whatever, seems to hit both nails on the head. (I’m also a HUGE fan of the Savasana pose out in the grass until the thought of creepy crawlies drives me indoors again – sprawled out like a dead person is NOT slacking – it’s YOGA! LOL)
Now, wait a sec, you guys are taking that comment the wrong way. I frequently tell people “Are you leaving already?” when they head for the stairs. It’s just my way of saying hi if I didn’t have time to interact with them earlier, and gives them the opportunity to tell me what they’ve been working on. I guarantee you I do not keep track of how long anyone has been working out.
These days I’m all about trying to squeeze in my workouts while taking care of CHICKENS. I used to work out after I worked, but now I’m in a big hurry to get home and let the chickens out of the coop! Which means that I now have to get to the gym at 4:45am to get my workout in!
That’s a good perspective on the commetn, dind’t think of that…
The follow-up comment (“you couldn’t have worked very hard”) seems to point toward a less benign intent.
That trainer sounds like a douche. I can’t imagine saying that to someone.
We have a workout room in our basement and I workout down there with my two little ones right there with me. Sure, I would rather not workout with Elmo singing and the smell of a poopie diaper wafting in the air but it gets the job done. I do belong to a rec center with workout facilities and child care but i feel like the time it would take to get two kids ready to go, drop them off, pick them back up and load them back in the car, could be spent doing other things. Plus, the at home workout has the added adrenaline rush of trying to keep myself from getting clubbed in the head with a weight when a “helper” tries to bring me gear and the added comedy of watching my 2 year old trying to copy the squats I just did on the Bosu. (Apparently that cute toddler pot belly is not the best core balance tool.)
I think we all struggle with this. I don’t have kids yet but I know it can be hard for me to find the balance. When I worked until 5pm and then had an hour plus commute home it was challenging to find that time. When I worked until 4pm with a 10 minute commute it was less hard. And I felt so much better working out. My husband put it, “you’re better to be around when you’re working out regularly. We’ll always find the money for a gym, you just have to make the time.” And he’s right. I just started a new job where I’ll work til 5pm with a 35 minute commute home. I’m eyeing a new gym near my job that has a bunch of 5:45 classes. I want to get home to be with my husband but I know I need those workouts, both physically and mentally.
I’m about to become a mom in roughly two weeks, and I am still in that “I’ll just strap the baby on and find time to exercise, no problem!” phase of illusion. My workouts have plummeted since I’ve been pregnant, which I’ve been fine with and (mostly) haven’t felt too guilty about, but I’ve figured I’d get back to at least very regular walking pretty quickly after she’s born, and then hopefully strength training and then maybe some HIITs within 6-8 months after she’s born (is that realistic??). I guess I will just take one thing at a time and focus on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Or I’ll try.
Just focus on keeping your head above water the first year. Seriously. Do. Not. Feel. Bad. if you can’t find time or energy to workout for months. Also, don’t feel guilty if you DO work out. Just, basically, don’t feel guilty. (Yeah, right. All you do when you become a mom is feel guilt lol!) I ran every day and on top of that worked out to DVDs every other day before number 3 was born. Now 6 months later, I am lucky if I get a shower let alone a workout. That sounds like hyperbole, but it’s not. I wonder if I’ll ever have desire to work out again, but I know it will come with time and sleep, neither one of which I have any of at the moment. (I’m not kidding. My FitBit says I get between 3 and 4 hours of VERY broken sleep a night.) Good luck with your little one-to-be! May your labor be short (but not too short) and your bubby be healthy and strong!
I should clarify, i ran every day before I got preggo. I was too sick to workout with this last pregnancy. My comment made it sound like I worked out hard until #3 was born. That was SO not the case. : )
Do be careful not to overdo it. Don’t plan ahead too much as it will make you crazy if it doesn’t work as you had hoped. I was so upset about not losing the weight right away that I made the big mistake of pushing myself to keep running just a couple of months after my 2nd child was born, even though I had a cold. Well it developed into pneumonia and almost put me in the hospital and was very tough on the whole family. With hindsight, it was ridiculous. With both my kids, as soon as I stopped nursing them (at about a year) the weight finally came off. All that worry for nothing. 🙂
A miracle invention called a double stroller the only way right now, but I must admit that I go on walks, not runs, and I do it as much for my sanity as much as for exercise. I only just had my 3rd baby 5 1/2 weeks ago, so I’m not looking to lose weight. I just need to be able to get out and move.
Double strollers are a gift from the heavens! I never would have survived my kids’ baby/toddlerhoods without ours!
I used to workout almost every day. Then stopped going to the gym on weekends, (my hubby and I would go together) after I had first kid. Now i’m pretty much going 3 days during the week and once on the weekend…when I can swing it. Hunny and I switch mornings on the weekend. Do I feel guilty, yeah, for not ging enough and for not spending more time with kids both… I wil lsay though, they love their childcare and playing with their firends, it’s jsut that they are there mroe than with us 🙁 You know, in the awake state… sigh
After giving birth, things change really. Its like you can forget about everything but your child. I do have a channel though, I can dance for hours while cuddling my baby especially back when she was just a two months old. And it was sort of a work out.
Love your opening picture! So appreciate your dilma. There are so many fitness things I want to do (I teach Zumba twice a week + need to prep for that, I want to strength train, become a great hula-hooper, take twice daily walks with dog, do yoga-type exercises). If I sit down and try to build a schedule I realize it totally takes over my day and I can’t do it all.
Between exercise and trying to work in the amount of prayer/scripture time I need to feel peaceful, I feel like I run out of time to do the really important things–like laundry. 😉
That trainer should know that it’s about what you do with your time, your intensity…I can spend an hour+ on an elliptical and not break a sweat. Is that better than your 30 minutes on the stair machine set on 10?
I run with my sisters and a few friends at 6 am EVERY SATURDAY unless there is a snow storm or unless the temp drops below 20. At 6 am there are NO excuses, no childcare concerns (unless husbands are away) and we can all get home in time to clean up the breakfast mess. During the week I *try* to get in a Spin class and a run; although left to my own accord I am torn between exercise and getting errands done with my few hours *off* (kids in school and me not at my paying job). It’s guilt, It’s laziness disguised as guilt depending on the day…
How wonderful to get to the point where you feel that you are working out too much….umm…that sounds strange. But that is my life. For me, an endurance runer taking up cycling and triathlon, there is a lot of work(ing out) to be done and it takes a lot of time. I have been an endurance mother in varying degrees for over a decade- with 4 kids- 8 marathons and a Boston Qualifier behind me countless smaller races and a few triathlons and bike tours thrown in there. When my surrounding allowed it I was a baby jogger mama. 8 milers with frequent park stops and time to talk to horses and dogs, we even graduated to the double jogger. Those were the days when we lived in a large city with lots of very wide bike lanes and public parks. Of course there are the times when I workout when the rest of the world (my family and little ones included) were asleep. And currently I am mixing up the early mornings with late morning TV time. My 4 year old loves it and asks when I will be workingouting! Then she gets her 2 hour (yes- that is too much) daily allotment of TV while I run, cycle and lift weights. This is also the time when my 18 month baby naps and my older two are in school. And often she combines tv watching with jumping on her mini tramp or just plays barbies instead. Although she LOVES it when I workout so she can watch TV i feel guilty that she is missing out on her only chance for one on one mom time (needed when you have 3 others vying for your attention too). So I am torn. Early mornings=tired mommy. 🙁 Early mornings is my best bet. Also, some mornings I can get in a run when the kids are awake and my husband is still home to wipe bums and make breakfast! So, I understand the guilt totally! Glad I am not the only one.
I need to remind myself that a happy me = a happy mom. The arena where my youngest son practices hockey has a nice community fitness area. Rather than stand around “wasting” an hour watching him practice, I drop him off, head upstairs and work out. As much as I like to chit chat with the other hockey families, I needed to find the time to exercise. It’s the best solution for my busy family.
And I never, NEVER leave for work in the morning without my gym bag. If it’s a non-hockey night, I’ll head straight to the gym after work. I don’t want to have to go back home to grab my stuff because I know the guilt will kick in and I’d never get to the gym
This is something I’m only learning to do. I finally had to admit that carrying 30lbs of baby weight, having knee pain (from the weight), and not being able to properly romp about with the kiddos isn’t doing them any great service. I’m a working mom, so I started working with a personal trainer for an hour at the very beginning of my work day and then I work through lunch to make up the time (and eat at my desk). On weekends I walk or jog with the kids or sometimes put on a workout DVD in the playroom so I can still interact with the kids while exercising. I honestly believe that (me) feeling good and being in shape, is a benefit to the family so I don’t feel guilty doing it. Working out with the kids might not be quite as focused, but last time I worked up enough sweat to beg my 3-year-old to go find me a towel :).
I struggle with this guilt, especially since my work outs are after work. This means my daughter goes from regular day care straight to the gym’s day care. What helps me is that she loves going to the gym. In fact, she pitches a fit when she thinks we’re going home instead (yes, she’s a high-energy kid). I also tell myself that taking these few hours during the week to take care of my health may give me somany more years to enjoy with her.
As others have said, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy!” My workouts keep me sane. I also remind myself that I’m taking care of my health, which will (hopefully) mean I’m around longer for my kids.
As for that trainer, well, I would’ve grabbed my kids, found him, and said “Thanks for volunteering to watch them while I extend my workout!” 🙂
I struggle both with feeling like I don’t work out often enough and feeling guilty about leaving my kids to work out. I do have two days during the week when I’m not working while the kids are in school. One of them is mine and mine alone, so I make sure to get a good workout in (weights + cardio, or a run + yoga). The other day is my school volunteering day, during which I can usually fit in a workout as well. I try to get in a weekend workout as well, but sometimes those get postponed in favor of sleeping in a little and getting to all the various weekend activities (which seem to multiply as the girls get older). But if I can get in three good days, I’m that much more even-keeled). I’d love to work out 5 days a week, but I don’t know when that’s going to happen!
It’s not on the exact same topic but this TED talk addresses the point of not turning your kids into an excuse for not taking care of yourself (he’s talking about finding your dream job/purpose/whatever but I think it also applies to self care of all kinds).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKHTawgyKWQ
If you take on the role of a human doormat, always in service to everyone else, unwilling to care for yourself in a healthy way, that’s what you are modeling for your kids as the role of mother/wife. That said the opposite is also true. If you workout obsessively, and/or spew hatred of your body (e.g. “Oh I’m so fat,” “I have to lose this weight!” “No way can I eat that cookie,”) you are modeling something as well. Kids are sponges. I think the key is to be good with where you are, and shine bright, little star.
My co-author and I devote a section to Mother Guilt in Hot (Sweaty) Mamas: Five Secrets to Life as a Fit Mom (http://hotsweatymamas.com) and our solution to managing mommy time and fitness time is the Make Time, Take Time, Share Time, Snare Time approach. My bottom line on mommy guilt and exercise is this: The kids need to know you exercise because they need to grow up knowing that it’s important to you. By osmosis then, they are likely to adopt that value themselves. My two cents!
“Because we’ve been taught that to put ourselves first sometimes is selfish. We’ve told ourselves that we’re the only ones who can do what we do and get it done “just right.” We’ve convinced ourselves that we can do it all and we shouldn’t have to ask for help. We feel like not only do we have to be perfect but we have to make the perfection look effortless. And yet many of us still think that we’re the only ones who struggle.” This is the greatest obstacle to achieving any fitness training goals. It is important to remember, that first and foremost, for maximum results to be realized, one need to be totally relaxed in mind. But, how can you do so when your mind is jammed with all those unnecessary thoughts. Thank you for sharing this.